Chapter 7

Jon had made several visits to Trip over the days in sickbay, but he wasn't too sure if Trip even knew that he had come to see him or even remembered any of their conversations. Phlox kept Trip medicated for pain, which made him pretty loopy when he wasn't sleeping. At one point, Trip kept insisting that a cat would visit him, lay on his chest for a while before leaving again. Phlox had told Jon that there was no cat coming to sickbay and that Trip was hallucinating.

When Jon contacted Mrs Tucker to give her an update to her son's condition, he joked about the "cat," only to discover that when Trip was a child, they had a cat that would sleep with him at night, and whenever Trip was sick, the cat would stay at his side until he was better. Jon had a fleeting thought of getting Trip a cat.

Jon was relieved when Phlox finally decided to allow Trip to stay on Enterprise for his rehabilitation, being swayed by the throngs of personnel that stepped up to volunteer to help Trip in every way they could. A schedule was made for everyone to take shifts in caring for Trip during his recovery, some even offering to help Phlox with the physical therapy so that the doctor would be available to give attention to the rest of the crew when needed. This in turn, also ensured that their Captain could be available to tend to his duties without having to take a leave of absence.

It was evening when Jon walked into his quarters. He pulled out the storage container of the old data cards and selected the red one. He put it into the card slot on his computer, sat down on the couch and pressed the play button, waiting for the message that he had watched thousands of times over the years.

A younger Trip's sullen face appeared on the screen.

Hey Jon. Got your last message. Not sure when you'll get this, but… (There was a long pause.) So, according to your message, you'll be out another 4 months? Dammit Jon, this 3 month mission has been over a year now, and now you say another 4 months? What will your next message say? Couple more weeks, another year? Who knows. Jon, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hoping that you'll be home soon only to hear through some recording that you won't be.

(The tears showing in the younger Trip's eyes.) I love you honey, I really do love you, but this is killing me. I've already packed my things and will be moving into my own apartment in a few days. Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on your apartment until you get back. (Jon winced at the wording "your apartment." To this day it still hurt that Trip hadn't said "our apartment.") Jon… what I'm saying… it's over. We're over. I'm sorry I had to do this in a recording, but I guess there really isn't any other way to do it, and if I wait until you come back to Earth, I'll only spend the next, however long, pining for you. I need to move on, get back to living again.

Please don't respond to this, I don't think my heart can take it. Please, just go on with your life, find someone more patient and tolerant of you being away so long. I'm sorry that I can't be that person who will watch the days and stars go by waiting for you. I hope, at the very least, we will still be able to be friends. I'll always love you Jon, just remember that, but I need to move on. Take care of yourself.

Jon sat a moment, feeling the hurt as fresh as the day when he watched this message for the first time, then hit the replay button.

He had been watching the video over and over when his chime rang. He hit the pause as he got up to answer the door.

He was surprised to see Trip standing with his crutches, and a young ensign next to him. "Trip? Phlox let you out of sickbay? He didn't call me to say that you were being released."

Trip gave a small smile. "I know. I told him not to call you, and Ensign Jenkins was stopping by to say hi at the time. She said that she could help me back to my quarters."

Jon gave a glance at the Ensign, who shrugged. "He insisted that he come see you first. Actually, he gave me an order to bring him here."

Jon chuckled. "Yeah, Trip has a way with getting what he wants… most of the time. Thank you for your help Ensign, I can take it from here."

She nodded. "Sir." She said before walking away.

Jon helped Trip into the room and onto the couch. "You need a pillow or something for your leg?"

Trip shook his head. "No. I'm fine, thanks."

"You sure? It's no bother really. I can pull the chair over so you can prop your leg up if you need to."

Trip again shook his head. "I'm fine, really. Just sit down and relax, will ya."

Before Jon had a chance to sit, Trip noticed what was on the computer screen across from the couch. The frozen face of his younger self perplexed him for a moment, then a lump came to his throat. "Jon? Is that… ?"

Jon turned and quickly pulled the data card from its slot. "I… uh… I was going through some old files and… well… I didn't know it was still in the files. I was about to delete it."

Trip gave Jon a long look. "You know you could never lie to me… especially to my face."

Jon nodded as he looked down at the card in his hands. "Ok. I know. Ok, I kept this and have watched it so many times over the years."

"Why?"

Jon slowly sat on the couch next to Trip. "To remember. To remember how much pain I caused to you. To remember what I once had. To remember what I screwed up."

Trip looked at him sadly. "You weren't entirely at fault. I was younger then, had dumb ideas that I, we both could have a career in Starfleet and still have a happily ever after. I'm older now, and understand that the words Starfleet and family don't go together."

Jon looked up in shock. "That's not true, Trip. Plenty of people in Starfleet have spouses and even children. I'm sure it's not easy, takes a lot of work, but it is possible."

Trip thought for a moment. "Yeah, I guess. Maybe if you're planet-side it could work, but not deep space like we are. How many divorces and break-ups have there been among this crew?"

"A few, but-"

"A few?" Trip challenged with a raised brow.

Jon blew out a breath. "Ok, more than a few, but Trip, we could have made it work. We're on the same ship, just like I intended for it to be. It could have worked for us. Maybe… still can."

Trip winced a little. "Jon, at the time there wasn't a guarantee that we'd end up on the same ship. Hell, there wasn't a guarantee that there was going to be a ship. You going off on that mission was an eye-opener for me. It showed me that with Starfleet, nothing is guaranteed. Either one of us could be reassigned at any time and could spend years, maybe decades apart. That was never the type of relationship, or marriage that I envisioned for myself. Jon, I want a husband who will come home at night, spend time with me and be there to watch our children grow up, not just someone who drops by in-between missions."

"I know, that's not the kind of relationship I want either. Trip… why do you think I never got serious with anyone else after you? Because I know that I can't promise to be home every night for dinner. I can't promise that I'll be there to see my child take its first steps, or be there to comfort them when they have a nightmare, or see him or her walk across the stage for graduation. But most importantly, I haven't gotten serious with anyone because… I still love you.

"In the shuttle, you said I don't know what it's like to wait for someone to come home. You're wrong Trip, I do know what it's like, I live that everyday. Trip, I love you and I'm still hoping that you'll come home, come home to me. I'll never stop hoping for that. If I could go back and do things differently, I would have turned down that mission, even if it meant not receiving my Commander rank as quickly."

Trip shook his head. "We can't change the past, what's done is done and wallowing in self pity for the rest of our lives won't make things any better. I guess… we both need to figure out a way to put the 'what-ifs' behind us."

Jon looked back down at the card as he thought about what Trip had said. "You're right, and I guess I can start with this." With some effort and determination, he broke the card in half.

Trip nodded an approval, but he was still bothered by something. "Jon, in the shuttle, you mentioned crawling into a bottle. It felt like there was more to say, but you didn't. Talk to me?"

Jon was silent for a few moments and Trip could see the range of emotions crossing his face. Shaking, Jon looked up at Trip with shame and sorrow in his eyes. "When I got this message, I felt like my life, my entire universe had shattered. I'm not really sure how it happened, but I started drinking to numb myself of the heartache. As long as I had alcohol in my system, I couldn't feel or even think about the pain."

Jon swallowed at the lump in his throat a few times as Trip kept quiet, giving the man as much time as he needed. "It was my fault Trip. It was my fault that they died."

Trip was now completely confused. "What are you talking about? Who died? When?"

"On the Yosemite. Trip, I stayed half drunk all the time… even on duty. I think Captain Aziz might have suspected, but he never said anything. Hell, I think there were times he might have been half drunk too. Like I said, morale was very low on that ship and we all did things just to try and get through another day, at some point, we all stopped caring about regulations and protocols. We were all just drifting from one day to the next waiting for it to end.

"We were in an area to set up the next beacon. There was an asteroid belt nearby and Captain Aziz had me take the helm because our pilot wasn't as experienced with that situation as I was. I didn't know that Aziz was going to put me at the helm and I didn't bother to tell him that I had drank down half a bottle of scotch just before reporting that morning. I was drunk. Trip, I was so drunk I didn't see it and they died because I didn't react fast enough."

After a moment of silence, Trip took Jon's hand into his and gently coaxed. "Tell me Jon, tell me what happened."

Jon sat staring blankly as he recalled the events. "There was a proximity alert. I assumed that it was from the belt and steered the ship away. I was wrong. I steered the ship directly into an asteroid. Without haul plating, the asteroid hit the forward section, the systems started blowing, there was depressurization to the outer haul and 4 of the crew that were in that area at the time were killed. On the bridge, Aziz and 2 others were severely injured when the systems started to blow. Aziz died a few hours later from his injuries."

Jon sank his head into his hands and began sobbing. "I killed them. It was my fault. I killed them no more than if I had pulled the trigger on a phaser."

Trip shook his head. "Jon, I remember reading that report. It was a rogue asteroid, and there wasn't a proximity alert. You couldn't have known that rock was there until the last second, and by that time, it was too late to avoid the impact. In fact, if I recall the report correctly, the bridge crew all testified that you did everything possible to minimize the damage and there would have been more people killed, maybe the ship destroyed if you hadn't acted as fast as you did. You saved dozens."

Jon gulped. "That report was a lie. With Aziz dead, me being the first officer, that put me in command. The records were altered to delete the entry of the alert and the bridge crew concocted the story of my quick thinking. I didn't ask any of them to cover for me, they just did. We had all gotten very close to one another out there and we all covered for each other at one time or another. I just went along with the cover-up. Only thing to come out of it was a slap to the face that got me to come out of that bottle… mostly."

Trip looked down for a moment. "Oh shit. And you've never confessed, just kept this covered up all these years?"

Jon shook his head. "No. Before it was announced that I would be promoted to Captain and given command of Enterprise, I confessed to Forrest privately. I told him everything that had happened and was prepared to stand trial, if that was what would happen. He spoke to some of the other Admirals and it was decided that since so many years had passed, they would let sleeping dogs lie as it were. Truthfully, it was a political move, I'm not too dumb to understand that. I know they had always planned to have an Archer in command of the first warp 5 ship, they wanted my father, but I guess I was just as good as a substitute. As long as there was an Archer name attached, that's all that mattered. They also wanted to keep this quiet from the Vulcans. If the Vulcans knew what had really happened out there, they would have used that as proof that humans aren't emotionally ready for deep space exploration."

Trip wiped a hand down his face. He looked around the room as the information slowly sank in when he spotted the half empty bottle of bourbon sitting on the desk. "Jon… have you been drinking today?"

Jon looked up as he followed Trip's gaze to the bottle. "No, not yet. I… I was thinking about it before you stopped by."

Trip gave a cold glare at Jon. "I'm going to ask you something, and I want the truth. While on Enterprise, have you ever reported to duty while under the influence?"

Jon looked down shamefully. With a small voice he answered honestly. "Yes, I have. Like I said, I'm really good at hiding it, but yes, there have been times that I was buzzed, but never as bad as I was back on the Yosemite."

Trip's head rolled back as he looked up to the ceiling. "Oh dammit Jon! You really put me in a tough spot here, y'know."

Jon nodded. "I know. If you report me, I won't blame you, I won't be angry. Trip… I… I need… I need… help."

Trip looked at Jon for a moment, debating with himself if the statement was genuine, or just one of those things someone says when they think it might get them out of trouble. The pleading look in Jon's eyes was one of a lost and desperate man searching for someone to rescue him.

Trip nodded. "I think you know what you need to do."

Jon blew out a shaky breath before standing. He walked over, grabbing the bottle. As he started to head towards the bathroom, he reached out and grabbed a second bottle, that Trip didn't see, from behind some books.

From the bathroom, Trip could hear the liquid being poured down the drain. When Jon came back out, he placed the now empty bottles in the trash recycling. "I guess they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem and need help."

Trip nodded. "Yep. Only 11 steps left now. Jon, you need more help than what I can give you. I'll be here to support you, keep you from falling again, but you need professional help."

Jon nodded an agreement. "I'll talk to Phlox first thing in the morning."

"Why not now? It's not his sleep cycle, so he's still awake. I'll go with you."

Jon shook his head. "I'd rather just stay here and talk with you some more… if I can."

Trip nodded. "Ok. We can talk more, you just say whatever you want to get things off your chest. I'm here for you. Uh… Jon? Do you have any more bottles stashed around here?"

Jon sighed and pointed towards a cabinet. He knew Trip would be shocked as he watched the young man open the door.

Trip's eyes grew wide with the collection of Earth libations; whiskey, scotch, tequila, bourbon and others. Then there was the alien alcohol; Andorian ale, Rigelain rye, Klingon bloodwine and an array of others that Jon picked up at various ports they had been to.

Trip sadly shook his head. "Oh Jon. Is it really this bad?"

Jon buried his face in his hands, ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry Trip, I'm so sorry. I really don't know how it got this far, this out of control."

Trip limped his way back to the couch, setting the crutches to the side and grabbing Jon into a strong embrace. "It's ok honey, we're going to get you the help you need now, we're going to work on this together. I'm here for you."

After a moment, Jon let out a small huff. "You know, with your leg and all… I'm the one that's supposed to be helping you. Guess I can't even do that right. I let you down again."

Trip cupped Jon's face. "No, you haven't let me down, I'm glad you told me all of this. It's long past due for all of these things to come out. Maybe if we had this talk years ago, it wouldn't have gotten to this point, but now it's out in the open and we can fix it. Ok?"

Jon nodded before standing with a determination.

After he and Trip dumped out all of the bottles, they settled back to the couch. Jon found comfort snuggled in Trip's arms, and a little surprised that Trip allowed it. "Trip… I still love you."

"I know honey, I still love you too, but right now… I don't think now is the best time to try and rekindle that old flame."

Jon thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe… someday though."

Trip looked down at Jon's hand and chuckled. "You're still wearing the ring? I thought I dreamt of putting it on your finger."

Jon shook his head. "You were panicking. Somewhere in your rant about Phlox amputating your leg, you slipped it on there. Just kept it on my finger so it wouldn't get lost."

Trip gave him an amused look that said he wasn't buying it. Jon cracked a wide grin. "Ok… maybe I have been having a little fun watching the glances of the crew while they try to figure out when and who I secretly married."

Trip gave Jon a playful slap on the arm. "I'm pretty sure the day you get married, there won't be any secret to it and you'll make sure the entire world will know about it!"

Jon laughed. "I'm sure you're right. You've been carrying this in your pocket all these years?"

Trip nodded. "In one way, it keeps you close to my heart. In another way, it reminds me that as long as I wear this uniform, there's no room for someone else. I'm married to Starfleet."

Jon shook his head. "That's not true, Trip. Hopefully someday I can prove that to you, once we both get ourselves straightened up."

He pulled the ring off and held it out for Trip to take. "You can give this back to me one day, the way it was intended for me to have it."

Trip eyed it for a moment. "Did you read the inscription?"

Jon's brows crinkled. "Inscription? Truthfully, I haven't taken it off since you put it on me."

Jon held the ring out and tilted it towards the light, reading aloud the engraved words. "My best friend. My heart. My soul. My universe. From now until eternity."

Jon's eyes watered at the meaningful words. He gave Trip a gentle kiss on the lips. They sat with their eyes closed, foreheads pressed against one another as they each silently contemplated the past, present and possible future.

Trip quietly whispered. "You keep the ring. It was for you to have anyways."

Jon shook his head as he laid the ring in Trip's hand. "No, you hang on to it. Give it back to me when you're ready. When we're both ready."

§§§

Jon helped Trip back to his quarters, then helped him out of his uniform. One thing Jon was correct about, Trip was pretty defiant about having someone help him to use the bathroom.

Jon stood outside the door, leaning against the wall waiting for the inevitable call for help. When it finally came, Jon chuckled softly. "Didn't you say you're a big boy and don't need anyone to help you potty?" He called through the closed door.

"Ok, ok. You proved your point. Just get your ass in here and help me off the toilet… will ya!"

Jon couldn't resist to continue the teasing. "I don't know. Did you number one or number two?"

"Does it matter!? You gonna leave me stuck here all night? Seriously!"

Jon laughed while opening the door. "Just wanted to know if I needed to hold my breath."

Trip rolled his eyes. "Haha. Some caregiver you are. Ow, ow! Easy." Trip hissed as Jon helped him to stand, a little too fast for Trip's liking.

"Stop being a baby or I won't tell you a bedtime story." Jon grumbled in a tease as he helped Trip with his crutches.

Trip shot him a look. "Yeah? I got a story for you. Once upon a time, a guy damn near got his leg cut off and it hurts like hell!"

Jon chuckled as he helped Trip to the bed. "When can you have your next dose of painkillers?"

"Phlox said at bedtime, so I guess now. He also said to change the bandages before bed too, just make sure not to put any antibiotic ointment on it. There should be a container in the kit he sent with me that has some kind of cream that's supposed to kill the organisms."

Jon looked through the kit bag of the supplies Phlox put together and found the bandages and cream. "I thought he flushed out the organisms while you were still in sickbay."

Trip nodded as he shifted to make room on the bed while Jon changed the bandages. "Yeah, he said it's a precaution just in case. He wants me to use the cream for another 2 weeks to make sure it's completely gone."

Jon carefully pulled the bottom leg of Trip's boxers up and gently removed the old bandage. It was the first time he had seen the wound and his face paled at the long cut from Trip's groin to the side of his hip. "Oh my god. I knew that me and T'Pol got to Phlox in the knick of time, but… "

Trip reached up and gave a squeeze to Jon's arm. "Hey. You made the right call. Now that I've had time to process everything, I would rather have lost my leg than my life. I was just freaked out at the time, but I'm glad that you were able to speak up for me, make a better decision than what I could have at that moment."

Jon gave him a smile as he finished changing the bandage and giving an injection of painkiller from the prefilled hypo. "You get comfortable, I'll just sit in the chair and read for a while. If you need anything, I'm right here, don't try to get up."

Trip looked up at Jon. "You don't have to sleep in the chair. I can make room in the bed for you."

Jon gave him a smirk. "Would you have made the same offer to Ensign Jenkins?"

Trip shrugged. "Sure, why not."

"Uh-huh. Sure you would have. You just close your eyes and get some sleep now. I'll be right here." Jon leaned down and gave Trip a kiss to his forehead.

As Jon sat in the chair reading, he heard the soft breaths from Trip that said he was in a blissful sleep. Jon let out a content sigh as he watched the young man breathing in and out. It would be a long road, but in the morning, the healing would continue… for both of them.

End.

To Be Continued In The Next Installment...

Thank you all who have read and enjoyed this story. Your kind reviews and support are greatly appreciated.

Until next time, my dear friends. Peace and Love be with you.