*TW* mentions of depression, therapy and related medicine.
After a few minutes, Kurt heard voices coming from the end of the hall and he perked his head up. He saw a group of people walking down the hallway towards them and he sighed. Blaine heard the noises too so he asked Kurt what it was since he couldn't see that side of the hallway. When Kurt told him, he reluctantly pulled away from Kurt's embrace and stood up while holding the wall. As Blaine started walking down the hallway, Kurt walked next to him and surveyed his body up and down as he walked.
Blaine looked worn and a little unsteady but he seemed determined not to have an interaction with the people so he walked quickly. Kurt had to pick up his pace to keep up with him.
When they got to the door of Kurt's apartment, Blaine stopped abruptly so Kurt did the same.
Blaine bit his lip nervously as he stared at the door handle.
"If you don't want to go in, we don't have to," Kurt said.
"No I do, I just-I don't know."
"Well we can try it and if you want to leave or if you want me to leave I can. Just tell me what you want to do and we'll do it."
"I want you. I...I want you to stay with me" Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand as he spoke and Kurt looked down at their hands surprised. He squeezed Blaine's hand reassuringly and then looked up at him.
"Okay. I'm not leaving then" Kurt said solemnly.
They walked inside together, holding hands and Blaine's eyes looked over every inch of the apartment. He took a deep breath and stared at the couch. Kurt noticed that Blaine had tensed so he tried to soothe him by rubbing his shoulders and speaking softly.
"It's just a couch, B. It's just a room and it's just furniture. It doesn't have to mean something bad and it doesn't have to mean anything at all. It means whatever you want it to mean."
Blaine nodded and moved to sit on the couch. He wasn't letting go of his vice grip on Kurt's hand so Kurt maintained his grip too and followed Blaine's lead. When they sat down, Blaine exhaled and they both leaned back into the couch. Blaine rested his head on Kurt's shoulder and Kurt smiled to himself. He missed it when Blaine did that. They sat quietly for a bit as Kurt was giving Blaine space to recover and say anything he needed to say.
After a few minutes, Blaine spoke, his voice heavy with emotion.
"I need time to get used to all of this. To get used to th-the apartment and you and everything."
"Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere."
"Do you mind if I sit out here for a while? I don't think I can go into the bedroom."
"Of course, B. You just do whatever is best for you and your mental health. Don't worry about me or being polite or anything."
"Thank you."
They sat in silence again but Kurt had a million questions bubbling around in his mind. He was piecing together everything Blaine had said and done for the last two days and he felt like he was missing something. He knew Blaine said he needed time but how much time did he mean? And in terms of talking, what was off-limits and what wasn't? Kurt figured the only way he would know was to ask. So after another few minutes of silence, Kurt decided to speak.
"Blaine, is it okay if I ask you a question about what you said before? If you're not ready then I completely understand and we don't have to talk about it." Kurt looked down at Blaine's face and saw that he seemed to be thinking about it for a second before he replied.
"It's okay, I don't mind. I wanted to tell you everything anyway."
"Well first, thank you for confiding in me. I know it wasn't easy but I'm really glad you told me what hapened. The thing I was wondering about was that...uhm..why you hesitated at the hospital when the doctor was talking about medication, depression and anxiety. I know you mentioned you were depressed and you saw a therapist but I just wanted to make sure I'm not missing anything. And if this makes you uncomfortable in any way you don't have to answer"
"No, it's okay. I uh-I'll tell you." Blaine sat up straight and rubbed his eyes before looking down. He fiddled with his fingers and the couch while he spoke.
"When I went to the therapist, she diagnosed me with situational depression and I had a few sessions where she taught me how to deal with it. She suggested medication but I wasn't sure about it. I had a really hard time sleeping so she recommended sleeping pills but I did-she didn't want to give me too many, so I couldn't use them all the time. I didn't like them anyway because they made me feel really spaced out and I couldn't concentrate in school. I stopped taking them before my exams started so that's why I hesitated. I was trying to remember if I had taken them recently."
Kurt gulped as he tried to fight the urge to burst into tears. Just when he thought his concern for Blaine couldn't get any worse, he felt it increase tenfold. Kurt didn't want to think about why the therapist didn't want to give Blaine too many sleeping pills, it was too scary to imagine. He also figured that if Blaine had stopped the pills, he probably wasn't sleeping and that's why he had slept so much at the hospital. He probably finds it hard to sleep without drugs, Kurt thought.
Kurt closed his eyes as he digested all the information and when he opened them again he looked at Blaine seriously.
"Wow..uhm..thanks for telling me. That's really scary to go through alone. And again, I'm so sorry I wasn't there."
Blaine nodded and gave Kurt a small smile.
"It's okay."
Kurt stared intently at Blaine's face and he felt like he was looking at a whole new person. Not that he looked at him any differently or that he judged him but there was this side of him that Kurt just didn't know about. There was this struggle and pain but there was also resilience and strength. Kurt knew that Blaine was a strong person but Kurt was getting anxious just thinking about what he had to go through. Blaine was dealing with therapy, sleeping pills, panic attacks, and failing classes all on his own, while still managing to put a smile on his face. All Kurt has done recently was feel proud of himself for acing his exams. He felt ashamed and he added his 'uncalled for proudness' to the list of things he felt guilty for. He had done nothing in comparison to Blaine.
Blaine looked up and caught Kurt staring at him. Kurt's eyes had started to water but he blinked rapidly while rubbing his eyes to try and hide it. The look that Kurt was giving him made Blaine feel extremely guilty so he grabbed Kurt's hand and put on a brave face as he spoke.
"You don't have to worry about me now though. I don't see the therapist as much anymore and it was really just school that was stressing me out recently. I haven't taken the sleeping pills in a while and I actually wasn't doing too bad in school, I just didn't ace my exams."
Kurt felt a tinge of anger at hearing that because he knew that Blaine was hiding how he really felt.
"Is that why you didn't tell the doctor you were depressed when she asked?" Kurt asked.
"Well, yea. I mean it really hasn't been that bad recently and the reason I wasn't eating was because I really was just stressed about school, and my throat hurt. I'm mostly fine now, I swear." Blaine smiled widely up at Kurt and squeezed his hand reassuringly.
Kurt gulped as he saw straight through the facade. Did he really just say that? Kurt knew that the line between stressed and depressed was thin but what had happened to Blaine was not just stress and it was not fine. The way Blaine was talking about it made Kurt even more concerned because he knew the voice that he was using very well. It was usually reserved for distant relatives or acquaintances who needed reassurance that everything was calm and happy when the truth was usually that Blaine was anything but. Kurt had seen Blaine use that voice with people he wasn't close to and he was hurt that Blaine felt the need to use it with him. Kurt wished he didn't have to say what he was about to say, but he had to be honest. He took a deep breath and looked at Blaine seriously as he spoke.
"Blaine, I know you. I know you, and right now you are not fine."
Blaine's fake smile turned into a look of confusion and surprise as Kurt continued speaking.
"I mean you seem fine and yes you did stop the pills but have you really slept since you did? I know school stress is a lot but it's not enough to cause what happened to you yesterday."
Blaine opened his mouth to say something but Kurt looked at him pointedly and he shut his mouth.
"Blaine you've lost weight and you look like you haven't slept in weeks. At the hospital you couldn't stop sleeping, that's not okay."
"They gave me drowsy medicine, what else was I supposed to do?"
"Ok fine. Maybe you were tired because of the meds but do you remember why you had to get them in the first place? It's because you weren't taking care of yourself and I found you- I found you basically passed out in the bathroom because you hadn't eaten in days, maybe weeks. And today again I find you about to pass out in the hallway. So don't tell me you're okay and everything's fine because it's not!"
Kurt took a huffed breathe to make sure he didn't get too angry but Blaine had already sensed the tension in Kurt's voice and he didn't want to say anything to make it worse. Blaine just looked down in shame while Kurt let his fear and concern for Blaine take over as he got more riled up.
"Passing out is not fine. Going to the hospital is not fine. Forgetting to eat and sleep this often is not fine. What happened in the hallway just now, not fine! None of this is fine, Blaine!"
Blaine flinched when Kurt raised his voice. He looked away before whispering, "Please, don't shout."
Kurt immediately softened his tone when he realized what he did.
"Oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Blaine, I didn't mean to," he put his hand in Blaine's shoulder and rubbed reassuringly.
Kurt was mortified. Why do I keep doing this? He mentally cursed himself as he spoke softly.
"I'm not mad at you, B. I'm not mad at you at all. I just- I hate seeing you in pain. I hate that you had to go through all of these scary things and I hate that I wasn't there. I'm mad at myself actually and I want- I need you to be okay. I know that depression sometimes doesn't go away but I also know that if we're gonna get through this together, you HAVE to be honest with me. Your pain is my pain and I can't sit here and listen to you saying you're fine when I know you're not."
Blaine nodded, finally understanding the reason for Kurt's outburst.
"I know, I'm sorry too. I don't mean to hide things, it just sort of happens. I guess I'm not used to this whole 'sharing everything with your best friend' thing."
"Well get used to it because I'm not going anywhere"
Blaine nodded.
"I mean it, Blaine. If you feel anything, you come to me."
"I will, I promise."
"I feel like we have this same conversation all the time. We can't keep going in circles, B." He rubbed Blaine's back and gave him a half-smile.
"I know. I'm sorry"
"It's okay. And I'm also really sorry I shouted. I honesty- it's just seeing you get hurt and knowing that I can't help you makes me really mad. And when you lie about it, it just makes me feel worse because I want to be that person that you shouldn't have to lie to. But I know it's my own fault that you can't trust me and I know that it'll take time for that to change."
"I want to tell you everything, Kurt. It's just hard sometimes. I haven't really talked about this with anyone before and I'm still...I don't really know how to feel about this-" Blaine lifted up their intertwined hands and smiled at Kurt before he continued, "-or about us anymore. I'm trying to figure it out though."
Kurt smiled back and nodded.
"Thank you for trying. And again, you can take however long you need to figure out whatever you need to. Just know that when you want to talk, I'll be here to listen and you don't need to hide anything."
Blaine nodded and let out a big sigh of relief before leaning back into the couch.
Kurt did the same and they sat quietly for a while. Soon Kurt noticed that Blaine kept looking at the front door, and seemed to be deep in thought.
"Did you actually have something to do today or did you just want to leave earlier?"
Blaine looked at Kurt guiltily and Kurt got his answer.
"Do you want to do something? Like is there anything that you want to do for fun or to relax today?" As Kurt finished his sentence Blaine let out a massive yawn. "Do you want to take a nap?"
Blaine shook his head but his tired eyes seemed to disagree. "I'm tired of sleeping all the time"
"Ok..well you should still rest. Do you want to watch a movie? Or a TV show or something"
"Movie sounds great"
"Ok! Movie it is."
Kurt reached for the remote for the DVR and named a bunch of movies for Blaine to choose from. When he decided, they started the movie but about halfway through, Blaine started drifting off to sleep. He shivered slightly and Kurt grabbed a few blankets to wrap around him while he pulled him in closer. Blaine finally fell asleep on Kurt's shoulder and Kurt planted a small kiss on his forehead.
After the day he had, Kurt found it very hard to resist the urge to cuddle with Blaine and drift off into a peaceful nap. It would make him happy but it wasn't what he really needed to do right now. His mind was swarming with ideas of things he could do to help Blaine and he knew he had to get on it. He couldn't fix everything but that didn't mean he wouldn't try to fix as much as he could, in any way he could.
He made sure Blaine was lying comfortably on the couch before he got up and grabbed his laptop. He did some research on NYADA's policies for repeating exams and taking sick days. He then called Blaine's doctor to get all of the details of his treatment and a note to confirm what happened.
The next thing he had to do was a risk but it just might pay off how he wanted it too. He glanced over at Blaine, thought about everything that happened today, and felt himself tear up. He tried to remember all of his acting lessons and training to exaggerate his crying before he picked up his phone and called Madame Tibideaux.
He was sobbing into the phone as he explained to her that Blaine was in the hospital from burnout and that he was extremely worried about him. He told her that he had sent her a doctor's note with all of the details and he lied a little about how long Blaine had been sick. He told her that the reason Blaine wouldn't say anything was because he was ashamed and didn't know how to ask for help. That part was actually true. He asked her if there was any way Blaine could redo any of his exams but she seemed to be at a loss for words. Kurt let out one more theatrical sob for good measure and she started telling him to calm down and stop worrying. Somehow he got her to give Blaine the week off to study and a chance to redo all of his exams after that. Kurt thanked her profusely and told her some made-up story about how she had saved both of their lives.
When he put down the phone he couldn't stop smiling and he chuckled to himself as he wiped his tears away. He went to check on Blaine and was surprised that he hadn't woken up from all the noise.
Kurt sat back down on the couch and put Blaine's head on his lap as he did some research on depression, medications and anything else he and Blaine had discussed today.
Kurt knew he was supposed to be relaxing. His exams were over so he could technically be doing whatever the hell he wanted. But he knew his mind wouldn't rest until Blaine's exams were over and he was doing better. It was the only thing that mattered to him right now.
Kurt shook his head as he thought about the dumb excuse he had come up to explain to his new friends why he couldn't hang out with them all week. When he texted it to them, they didn't seem to believe the excuse but Kurt realized that he didn't really care what they thought. Blaine needed him and suddenly he didn't care who he lost, or who stayed his friend with when it was all over.
Kurt looked down at Blaine's sleeping form and smiled as he ran his hand through Blaine's very messy curls.
It still amazed him how this one boy could turn his world upside down in a day and leave him utterly defenseless just by calling his name. This is crazy. I can't believe the things I would do for him but I guess...that's love, isn't it? Kurt thought to himself. He realized that this vulnerability and lack of control that came with loving someone so much is what had scared him before. But now, sitting there with Blaine's head in his hands, Kurt realized that's he wouldn't have it any other way. He would take the helplessness that came with love any day if it meant spending more time with Blaine.
It was worth it. He was worth it.