Elsa sat there on the floor absorbing the long forgotten sensation of warmth. Anna was warm. Anna was cuddled up into her lap touching her and she is safe. Elsa never thought this would ever happen again, and now that it had she never wanted to lose this. She liked warmth and the weight of Anna on her. When she was little Anna was quiet clingy and there were times that having her little sister hanging off of her was annoying, but now she couldn't find the reason why. The amount of trust Anna placed in her to relaxed enough to doze off and trust all of her weight to be supported by Elsa blew her away. Though Anna didn't know that she shouldn't trust her. She didn't know that the person who had hurt her the most was the person she was laying on. Oh God what was she doing? She shouldn't be this close to Anna. She was putting her in danger. She then realized that her hands were touching Anna, she stiffened and yanked her hands away from as if they would taint her baby sister if they stayed there a moment longer. How stupid was she? She knew better than to let herself touch Anna especially with her hands! Your powers have been listening lately and the acute ache in her chest where it all was collected was agreeing not to move from there right now. She was technically safe right now… NO! That doesn't matter she doesn't know how long that was going to last and beside it was better safe than sorry.
"Elsie we're okay. Relax… not as comfy when ya all tensey-stiff. Whatever it is it doesn't matter to me. Yes I know you are over thinking, now if you feel comfortable enough I liked it when you held me.."
Elsa smiled a bit as Anna pulled her back and distracted her from her thoughts. She let herself relax a bit and when she did Anna snuggled closer, patted her haphazardly while also muttering, "Good Elsie" then rewrapped herself around her sister. Elsa threw caution to the wind when she felt Anna exhale and nuzzle her head against her and said, "You smell nice like fresh snow… like home." Elsa threw her arms around her sister and pulled her as close as she could without crushing her and then bent herself to curl around Anna in her lap finally resting her head on top of Anna's.
Anna was wide awake now. She kept the startled yelp from escaping her lips. She was terrified that she would spook Elsa away, but she really didn't expect Elsa to initiate that much physical affection. She had hoped that Elsa would put her arms loosely back around her like before, but never expected never mind hope for this. Anna quickly tangled her hands in the loose folds of Elsa's dress and gripped it as tight as she could in her fists. She didn't want to lose this ever again, but knowing Elsa after they detangled from their embrace it would be a while before Elsa allowed this again.
This is how Gerda found the girls when she came back in with their dinner. She was slightly concerned when her knock on the door went unanswered, so she slowly opened the door and entered the room unnoticed by its two occupants. A grin took over her kindly face as she took in a sight her heart had missed. This is how things should have been like all of these years, with the girls together. A tear escaped her misty eyes, when she realized how Elsa had a tight grip around Anna. Elsa had not allowed anyone to get close to her, let alone touch her in a few years now if she could help it. That girl was terrified of making any sort of mistake with her powers she had taken the isolation to a whole different level. An unhealthy level if anyone asked for Gerda's opinion on the matter. She didn't know how Anna managed to accomplish this feat, but that girl had once again worked her magic on her sister. It was also rare to see Anna so still and content anywhere for any length of time. That girl was always on the move like a raging inferno, but now she was completely calm and still. Somehow just being with one another calmed and soothed them like nothing else could. It was like the girls were two extremes that needed the other to balance out.
Gerda hated the idea of disrupting the girls and making her presents known, but Elsa really needed to eat. She knew that the past two days all meals that she had brought up for her have gone uneaten. She was getting nervous for the young princess. Apologizing in her mind to the two girls she made herself know.
"Princesses excuse me, I have your dinner."
Oddly enough Elsa was not the one to react like Gerda thought. It was Anna who tried to shift, but was stuck in Elsa's arms.
"Elsie I love this, but Gerda is her with food. We can do this again laters. Right now I wanna see what smells so good!"
Both Gerda and Anna heard a soft sigh come from Elsa.
"Alright…"
Elsa slowly allowed Anna to be untangled from her. When Anna went to get up, she stumbled back a bit and was surprised to find that Elsa was refusing to let go of her left arm. She smiled back and pulled her sister up with her to then drag her over to the small table Elsa had in her room where Gerda was setting their dinner for them to eat. Gerda was beyond shocked to see that Elsa was refusing to lose physical contact with Anna at all. When the girls got to the table, Anna felt Elsa's hesitation so she grabbed her chair and dragged it right next to Elsa's and plopped down in the chair and smiled at Elsa. Gerda watched in awe as the girls silently communicated with one another like they did it everyday. Anna dove straight into eating her meal, while Elsa just sat there with her side pressed against Anna as she stared at her plate. Gerda was going to prod the girl in hopes of getting her to eat a bite or two, but Anna reacted faster.
"Elsie aren't you going to eat? I promise it taste amazing. Nothing on your plate will taste bad, so you have no reason not to eat it."
Elsa stared at Anna for a moment before she got up and started pacing the room.
"Elsie?"
Elsa ignored Anna and Gerda for a moment as she tried to gather her thoughts on what she needed to say. She was afraid this wonderful moment with Anna was going to come to an end once she told Anna the whole truth, so she tried to hold onto the contact to Anna as long as she could before that was lost to her once again. Gerda was here now, so she could help Anna leave once she decided she wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Now she just had to spit out the truth to her baby sister. She just didn't know how or if it really was a good idea to do so. Maybe she should just stay quiet. God she was so confused.
"Gerda… Is…Is it right to tell Anna everything? Do I… Should I just… I… I… don't…"
Elsa stammered as she tried to find the courage to face the truth. She wasn't even sure if she should even disobey her parents to that extent. She was already breaking so many rules… She couldn't decide if that meant she shouldn't cross anymore lines today or if she might as well just brake one more rule.
"Princess if you mean what I think you do, then I think you should. I think it is something you both need."
Elsa nodded her head as Anna sat silently watching trying to gauge if she needed to jump in and help Elsa if she really started to panic instead of doing her thought filled pacing. Elsa finally stopped walking back and forth and stood in front of Anna a few paces away, just in case the truth made Anna uncomfortable to be anywhere close to her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she looked into Anna's eyes and spoke the first words of the explanation that fell off her tongue.
"I almost killed you when you were five and since the accident I have been locked into my room since then."
Anna stared in shock at her sister never in her wildest dreams imagining those words ever falling from her sister's lips. This was her sister that felt bad when she killed a bug, who forgave people who never deserved it to begin with, her sister who was kind to a fault! Her attention was pulled back to the present when she heard Elsa start to ramble.
"It was an accident, I swear. I would never hurt you on purpose, but I missed and lost control of my powers when I slip when we were playing in the ballroom one night. It was an accident… You woke me up like you used to when the aura borealis were too bright because 'the sky's awake, so I'm awake, so we have to play!' and like always that got me out of bed. We went to the ballroom for more room to play like you wanted. You used to love it. You made me think my powers were amazing… How could I not when your face lit up…"
Tears streamed down Elsa's face and Anna stayed glued to her seat as fuzzy memories began to resurface in her mind.
"You made the snowman inside for me… You'd fill the ballroom with snow… Once you turned the whole room into an ice rink for me to learn how to skate…"
Anna's eyes widened as she started to piece everything together. It was all starting to make sense. In a flash Anna closed the gap between them and thew herself on Elsa.
Elsa luckily caught Anna and was able to hold her weight without the two of them hitting the floor. She was shocked and didn't know what was happening. This didn't make sense. Anna wasn't running away and calling her a monster like she thought she should be.
"Anna I don't think you understand… I'm cursed… I'm a monster that almost killed you."
"Shut up! YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER! I don't care if you have magical wintery powers. You are my sister and I love you. Plus what happened was an accident and I seem to be perfectly fine. I am right here! ALIVE!"
"NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Elsa yelled as she tore herself away from Anna to the other side of the room, "I SHOT YOU IN THE HEAD WITH MY ICE! THAT WHITE STAND OF HAIR IS BECAUSE OF ME! YOU ARE ONLY ALIVE BECAUSE OF SOME TROLLS!"
Elsa broke down and huddled in a corner cry, "I'm a monster" over and over again while slightly rocking. She clutched her head wailing as her mind trapped her back at that night being forced to watch her sister get hit and die by her ice over and over again. She couldn't breath… Maybe she didn't want to breath anymore. It would be so much easier to stop fighting and just let go…
Anna and Gerda stood there shell shocked for a moment before they could register what had just happened. Gerda went to move forward, but quickly stopped knowing that Elsa was about to lose control and went to pull Anna in to the secret passage until Elsa calmed back down, but Anna had already rushed over to Elsa and fell to her knees in front of her.
"Elsa! I'm right here! You are not a monster! I forgive you! Do you hear me? I FORGIVE YOU! It was an accident… I'm right here safe and alive. I'm okay, you're okay… I need you to come back to me. I need you to breath… Please Elsa… I don't know what to do… I'm scared."
Anna shifted forward a bit until she was close enough to grab Elsa's hands. Anna grabbed onto Elsa's hands and held on to them while she rubbed circles into the back of them with her thumbs.
"You feel that? Focus on that… That feeling is my hands on yours. I am right here…"
Elsa latched on to Anna's hands as she tried to slow down her own breathing. She grounded herself in the reality that was Anna right there holding her hands. After sometime, Elsa collapsed forward and laid limp against Anna as her breaths still shuttered past her lips. Anna caught Elsa in her arms, and was quite panicked and held her sister as close and tight against her as she could.
"I got ya Elsie. I got ya."
Anna stroked her hand through Elsa's hair, and she wasn't quite she if she was doing that to soothe Elsa or herself with that action.
"I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for. You locked yourself away for years trying to keep me safe. I may not agree with it, but I can't thank you enough for the sacrifices you made for me. I love you so much."
"I'd do anything for you… Sometimes I feel like I haven't done enough for you. That I haven't made up for hurting you. I have failed for so long. I can barely control my powers. Please understand that I am still not safe to be around.. I am still dangerous, but you seem to need me, even want me around so I will do anything to make myself safe enough to for you."
"Your powers might be unsafe, but YOU are not dangerous. That I do not believe that one bit. If you really were dangerous you wouldn't be hurting yourself trying to keep everyone else safe."
Gerda let the tears stream down her face as she watched the two girls interact with each other. She quietly turned and left the room feeling that she was not needed and that the girls needed to have this moment alone. She would come back later and check on them. For now she knew the girls would be okay. With that she tried to quietly slipped out of the room unnoticed, but when she closed the door behind her both girls glanced toward the newly closed and locked door.
"I guess we made Gerda uncomfortable…"
"No I don't think so… I think she was just trying to be nice and give us sister time."
Elsa nodded her head and then moved back so that she was sitting on the floor just a few inches away from Anna now. The girls sat there content to just be near each other for a bit until Anna's stomach got the better of her. It made a loud rumble that reverberated in the room causing Elsa to softly laugh.
"I think we need to feed that monster in your belly there Sunshine."
Anna nodded and quickly scrambled up onto her feet and stood waiting for Elsa with her hands extended out to help her sister up. Elsa almost chocked up when she saw that Anna still cared and wanted to be near her even after she final told the whole truth. Elsa hesitated on placing her gloved hands in Anna's awaiting ones. Once her hands were gently placed in Anna's she felt Anna lightly squeeze her hands in reassurance. A soft wistful smile graced Elsa's lips as she allowed Anna to help her up and lead her back to the table that held their food.
Gerda had left domed covers over their food allowing the food to still be warm. Anna was ecstatic that their food was still warm and heartily dug into her plate. She quickly noticed though that Elsa was just sitting next to her pushing the food around her plate and looking at her through her lashes. Anna stopped eating and turned her attention to her sister. What could be distracting her now? Before Elsa was pent up with the need to tell her the whole truth, but now she couldn't understand why Elsa wasn't eating her food.
"Elsie aren't you hungry?"
Elsa's head fully snapped up to look at her as she dropped her fork to her plate and shook her head no.
"Did you have something earlier or something?"
Again Anna watched as her sister shook her head no and glanced away fidgeting like she was hiding something.
"Elsie… What's wrong? You can tell me. No judgments I swear on all of the chocolate in Arendelle."
This statement brought a small smile back onto Elsa's face as she sat there playing with her hands in her lap as she tried to find the words to explain it to her sister.
"I haven't eaten my past few meals… I just don't feel like I can. This happens when I can successfully control my powers for any length of time. I just can't stand the idea of food among other things, but at least for that block of time my powers aren't an issue."
Anna sat there and stared at her sister in horror. Did anyone realize what this was doing to Elsa? It was making her sick… no it was killing her slowly. Elsa was in pain. She quickly grabbed both of her sisters hands and held them close to her.
"Elsie that is not okay! You aren't okay like this! What exactly do you mean by controlling your powers?"
Elsa was startled by the contact and went stiff as she quickly tried to suppress more of her powers inside of herself.
"What do you mean by that? It's normal to me. And you know what I mean by control… being able to hold all of the ice in. If I can master that I will be allowed out. All of the rules will be lifted and I could go anywhere in the castle with you."
Anna was shocked and beyond angry. How was any of this allowed to get this far? Could no one see what they were doing to her sister?
"Elsa that is NOT control! That is suppressing your powers… denying who you really are! No wonder why you feel terrible and can't eat! You actually hurt too much… You probably loose control because you are trying to hold something that should be let out! Hear me out here and tell me if it makes sense. What you are doing is like trying to put on the cap to hold something in a bottle that is too full and that bottle keeps on being filled. Sure when the bottle isn't all that full it isn't that difficult, but the more in the bottle the harder it is. Eventually the pressure is too great no matter what it leaks out!"
"That actually… That really makes sense. So you think I shouldn't be trying to hold it all in?"
"Tell me this, did you ever have trouble controlling it when you were younger and used your powers all the time with me?"
"No.. It was never a problem until after the accident. All the problems came after the accident."
"So maybe we try a new method. I think we need to use your powers more. I think like anything you have to actually PRACTICE using them to master it. I mean you didn't pick up a book and just know how to read immediately you have to practice and work on it until you can. You know what I mean?"
"This actually makes sense to me. I… I think you might be right."
Elsa looked down at her hands in Anna's in wonder. Was it really that simple all this time? Anna gently flipped Elsa's hands over in her own and cradled them allowing Elsa's palms to be facing up.
"Elsie do the magic!"
Elsa was startled to hear the familiar phrase once again, and was scared to do anything with her powers this close to Anna. Anna must have seen the terror in her eyes.
"It's okay! Breath! If you want I will stand on the other side of the room if that makes you more comfortable."
Elsa quickly nodded her head. The two girls got up and went to two different corners of the room. Elsa was still worried on using her powers with Anna still in the room, but she couldn't find herself able to disappoint her sister. Anna looked so excited at the thought of seeing her powers. She was almost vibrating in the corner. After a deep breath Elsa removed the gloves from her hands and allowed her magic to flow back into her finger tips and felt her shoulders slightly drop in relief. The pressure in her chest lessened and the hum of her powers in her fingertips seemed to be whispering to her that it promised to behave. With a quick flourish Elsa made a small snowbank in the center of her room between herself and Anna and created the snowman from their childhood. After she finished she quickly focused in on Anna slightly afraid that she was going to see fear, but instead found pure joy, wonder, and pure awe as Anna stared at what her sister just willed into existence. A moment passed before Anna sprinted up to the snowman and dropped to her knees.
"He is exactly how I remembered him… Do you remember what we always used to name him?"
"Olaf. You named the first one Olaf and every snowman since we have named them the same."
Elsa walked behind the snowman and dropped down to her knees and grabbed at his icy arms to make them move as she talked in a funny voice, "I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!"
A wet laugh escaped Anna's lips and before Elsa knew it Anna lunged around the snowman and tackled her into the snow.
"I like warm hugs too. Thank you for making him."
Elsa wrapped her arms around Anna and held her tightly for a moment, before she pulled both of them back to the table for the third time that evening.
"Eat, I know you must be still hungry. You were almost inhaling all of it earlier before I distracted you."
"Do you think you can eat now? I don't want to see you skipping food because you are in too much pain. Do you need to used more of your powers first? How badly do you still hurt?"
Elsa grabbed Anna's face and caught her gaze with her own.
"I'm okay now. I just ache a bit now, but I can manage it. I can stand the idea of eating now so I will. There is no need to worry or panic now okay? You are helping, and we can play or experiment more after I know you are properly fed. Now eat before your food gets too cold."
Anna nodded her head in her sisters bare hands. Anna didn't say anything unsure if it would make Elsa panic if she brought attention to her lack of gloves at the moment, so she turned back to her food and waited. She only started eating once she saw Elsa beginning to eat from her own plate. Anna was still concerned that Elsa was still in pain from a backlog of her powers in her system, but they knew how to manage that now. Anna kept an eye on Elsa from the corner of her eye as she ate. She knew they had a long way to go, but she would make it better. Elsa spent too long suffering trying to keep her safe the only way she knew how. Now it was her turn to take care of her sister.