Chapter 15

I dressed ready for bed and then as I sat against the head board I took out the package with my name on it. I wasn't too sure if I was prepared for what might be inside, it was almost like receiving a message from the dead. I carefully opened it up, amazed at how secure it had been fastened, but knowing at least that Mooner hadn't opened it. There was a load of bubble wrap before I came across a rolled piece of paper. I unrolled it surprised when something dropped onto my knee, something that had obviously been inside the paper. I picked up the gold plastic turning it around in my hand, recognizing that it was a small hard drive with the words Kanguru Defender 3000 written on it.

My attention went back to the paper, so I carefully unrolled it. It was thin, poor quality paper but my heart went into overdrive when I saw that it was indeed from Ranger.

Babe. You need to keep safe. Don't trust anyone. Mission successful but too many after info. Hide this, don't try to open, encrypted. Love C.

I reread the few sentences written down and then picked up the hard drive to look at it again. Was this why Ranger had died? But why did he miss his check ins if his mission was successful? What had me looking again at the paper was how Ranger had signed off. Did that mean that he knew that I'd read his letter, but then would that mean that he knew he'd been listed as dead? Or had Ranger died after he'd sent this package? Had Ranger expected to get home and deal with it?

So many things went through my head the last one being where the hell I could hide this damn thing where it would be safe and then for how long? That had me bringing the original packaging out from my bag, the one that Mooner had found in the hallway.

Mooner's words came back to me as I looked at the label with his address on it. He'd liked the stamps on it, and I had to agree with his assessment. There were several with different colors but each one was a depiction of a butterfly with writing around it. Some of the writing was obviously foreign because there was no way I could decipher what it was saying but there were words written with letters that I could read. "Etat du Cambodge" and a round motif where it looked like they'd been stamped with an ink stamp. The printed stamp was circular with red and blue on the outside and a sphere in the center with a picture of an envelope. It was the words next to it that had me feeling both elated and deflated at the same time.

The parcel had been sent from Cambodia.

Shit, I had no idea of where Cambodia was. I quickly got up and went into the lounge to pick up my laptop and then stopped. What if someone could see what sites I was looking at, I mean I'd seen that happen on films that I'd watched but didn't know if it was possible in real life. Not wanting to risk it I replaced my laptop back on the table and went back through to the bedroom.

I picked up the original wrapping and looked at the post mark again, turning it as I tried to figure out if there was any other information to find. As I turned it around it was a bit smudged, but I was sure that the numbers had to mean something. Then it occurred to me that what I was seeing might be a date, a date when the package had been posted from Cambodia. I was so used to seeing the date written with the month first, followed by the day and year, that I had almost missed it. I turned to my phone to check the date for today and tried to remember when everything had started, not really knowing when it was that Ranger was reported as KIA.

As I laid in my bed sleep was elusive. There were so many things going around in my head. Ranger could have posted the package before he had died or even asked someone else to do it for him. It didn't change the fact that Tank had said that he'd been identified through DNA from his hair and blood and that was what had me so confused.

I didn't think talking to Tank would help, he'd probably tell me it didn't matter now, Ranger wasn't coming back and hadn't Ranger said not to trust anyone. It wasn't that I didn't trust Tank, I did and knew Ranger did as well. The thing was that Tank might pass on that hard drive to someone else and maybe that was what Ranger was afraid of. The only information that could help me now was where Ranger had been. The problem I had now was deciding where to keep the hard drive where it would be safe. After tossing and turning I eventually fell asleep, deeply at first but not deeply enough to stop the dreams that came to haunt me. These were different, in some ways more like memories, memories of times when Ranger had saved me.

When I woke, I could still remember some of the dreams and lay there going through what I'd seen before they disappeared. Falling from a cupboard into Ranger's arms, being pulled through the cold water of the Delaware after falling from the bridge, holding me in his arms after a car explosion. The one though that really hit me hard was seeing Ranger's face as he looked at me when he'd walked into my apartment to face Scrogg.

I shook my head to rid myself of those memories as I tried to figure out what to do today. Thinking last night had helped me to formulate a plan so now I had to work out the best way of doing it. It wasn't helping to have someone with me all the time or that there may be someone watching Rangeman and even me. Somehow, I had to put some distance between me and Rangeman, to give the impression that I was no longer associating with them. Maybe then whoever was following me would lose interest interest in me because the last thing I wanted to do was to involve Rangeman. Don't get me wrong it wasn't because I didn't trust them, it was because Ranger had told me not to trust anyone. And let's face it, if I suggested what I was thinking of doing they really would have thought I'd lost it. No, involving anyone from Rangeman wouldn't work and they'd try to talk me out of it and the last thing I wanted was for one of them to get hurt because of me. Keeping my plan from everyone wouldn't be easy to do because the last thing I wanted to do was in any way hurt any of them, especially Les, Tank and Bobby.

I was feeling melancholy this morning. The content of the dreams still plaguing me. For some reason there were places that I wanted to go, places that I hadn't dreamt of, places that held a special meaning for me. I wanted to visit the vault in Ranger's apartment so that I could collect some things from the box and to leave the hard drive there. I couldn't think of anywhere else where it would be secure, and I was pretty sure no one else could get into it. I wasn't too sure that I'd get there today because there were other more pressing things to do and people to see. I wanted to start to sow the seeds that I couldn't stay in Trenton.

I was dressed and ready and waiting, not patiently, for a Rangeman to show up at my apartment and was surprised when it was Bobby standing at my door. As I was ready to go, I just walked out into the hallway and locked the door behind me.

"What are we doing today Steph?"

"I, err, want to visit some places"

"Okay, you just tell me where you want to go"

Today was for me to try and capture the times that I'd been with Ranger.

As we climbed into the Cayenne, I gave Bobby an address, realizing that he didn't know the significance of it. He managed to park outside the diner, almost in the exact place that I had done so many years ago. Of course, with it being a public place Bobby came inside with me. I turned to him as we moved between the booths, looking ahead pleased that the booth at the back was empty.

"Bobby, can I be alone please. I won't leave and I'll stay in your sight"

Bobby nodded his head though I'm sure he had no idea what I was doing here. As he took a seat at a table by the wall I continued to the booth, sitting down where I had done before. When the waitress came over to me, I only ordered a coffee, my stomach was churning too much for me to eat anything. I looked across at the empty seat opposite me, in my mind remembering the first time that I had laid eyes on Ranger.

I closed my eyes as his image came to me, the black hair pulled back into a ponytail, the black clothes and the diamond stud reflecting the light. But it was his eyes and intense look that had both frightened and challenged me. I wasn't going to let some street thug intimidate me, especially one that was so ruggedly handsome. Playing our words in my head I almost smiled at how he must have viewed me. I was definitely naïve, inexperienced and probably a bit arrogant. I was both surprised and pleased when Ranger had agreed to help me, calling me Eliza Doolittle to his Professor Higgins. I never could understand why he'd agreed to help me, maybe he thought that I wouldn't last very long or be totally hopeless. Little did he know.

As I finished my coffee, I left money on the table, something that Ranger would always do and stood up to walk to the door. Bobby was with me and he opened the door for me, not saying anything about what had just happened.

"Where to next Steph?"

"Bonds office"

He drove being extra vigilant with what was around us, but I didn't feel that we had anyone following us. Not that I was in any state to notice. At the bonds office Bobby parked up, just down from the entrance but exactly where I wanted to be. Once on the sidewalk Bobby started to walk toward the front door, but I stopped him, laying my hand on his arm.

"I'm not going inside Bobby. I'm just going ten feet into the alley"

"Steph"

"I'll be okay, you can see me from here"

I walked with purpose to the place where I needed to be and then lent against the wall with my back. In my mind Ranger was there, the feel of his body pushed closely to mine, the feel of his hands through my hair and the touch of his lips against mine. I opened my eyes quickly because I was now regretting doing this, how could I have been so stupid to go to places that were so intimate between us and not have known the effect it would have on me. My eyes watered but not a single tear fell.

Once back in the car I could see that Bobby was worried about me, but I was sure he didn't really know what to say.

"Where now Steph?"

"The catholic church"

"Not the cemetery?"

"No, the one in the Burg"

I had no memory of Ranger at the cemetery so why would I consider visiting there? The church though, that was special, the day that I played bridesmaid at his friend's, Robert and Amanda's wedding, when Orin was after killing them both. As we pulled into the front of the church Bobby got out with me, this time he didn't need to be asked to stay with the car. I walked up to the large wooden door and walked inside, the silence and darkness enveloping me. I knelt and crossed myself at the start of the aisle and then started to walk, remembering that day so long ago.

It had been the rehearsal for Robert and Amanda's wedding, and as I'd started to walk down the aisle my attention was totally on Ranger. Ranger had stood to the right of the alter with Robert next to him and now I could picture that scene in my head as I'd walked, step stop step stop, replaying the scenario in my mind. Ranger had watched me walk toward him, his expression so serious. For a heart stopping moment I'd imagined myself walking down the aisle to marry Ranger. I was so focused on him that I'd almost stepped on the woman in front of me and that had evoked a smile from Ranger. He'd scanned the church, just his eyes moving, then he was back looking at me.

As I reached the front of the church, I shook my head to bring it back to the present. Hell, even Amanda had commented on how Ranger had looked at me and assumed there was more between us than there was. Maybe there had been, certainly from my perspective. It was as we were outside the building where we were attending the official pre wedding meal that Ranger had admitted that he came to my apartment when I was asleep. I became more aware of that happening and had always wondered why he did it, never wanting to ask in case he stopped.

I left the church to find Bobby stood by the car waiting for me. He never said anything, maybe he didn't know the significance of where I'd been and just assumed that I'd wanted to go inside the church as it was local to where I'd lived as a child.

I felt that I'd revisited enough memories and was ready to move on with the next part of my life. To do that I still had seeds to sow so messaged Joe to ask him to meet with me at Pinos at 5. He replied quickly in the affirmative making me hope that he didn't think the invitation was anything other than two friends meeting.

Sat inside Pinos took more out of me than I cared to think about. The place was fairly full, and I felt like everyone was looking at me. I wasn't sure if gossip about how I'd reacted to being told that Ranger had died was the reason or not or whether having Joe sat with me was causing speculation. Joe had already been there when I had arrived, and I knew he was well aware that Bobby was with me even though Bobby had taken a seat at the bar to give us some privacy. I didn't really know what to say to Joe without him taking offence and was pleased when he started up the conversation, though not with subject.

"Why the Rangeman Cupcake?

He said looking over to where Bobby was sat.

"He's worried about me"

I wasn't prepared to tell Joe that Tank was taking safety precautions against the possibility of an unknown threat. That would be like adding fuel to a fire as far as Joe was concerned enabling him to justify his warped idea that anything to do with Rangeman was dangerous because of who he thought they were.

"What's to be worried about?"

Of course, Joe just had to push for the reason, so I needed to come up with a plausable excuse.

"That I could regress into the mess that I'd been in before"

"Is that likely, hell Cupcake, you can't exactly say that you were that close to Ranger"

I couldn't believe that Joe had said that to me but refused to react. I looked down at my hands on the table unable to look at him.

"You know that anyone who I know well dying affects me Joe"

"I could look after you, give you a place to stay, to help you"

Yeah, like that was going to happen. It was strange really because months ago I might have taken up Joe's suggestion. Months ago, I felt that maybe there might have been a chance for our relationship to settle down. Then, even though Ranger hadn't been on the scene, I'd started to see that a relationship with Joe wasn't what I wanted, and I just couldn't bring myself to commit to him. That whole ordeal with the FBI situation still sat heavily with me. I didn't love or trust him enough to let it go and fall back into that unhealthy relationship and I certainly didn't want the life that both he and my mother thought I was destined to follow. I needed more, even if it wasn't with Ranger, even if I never found a man that I loved enough. No, I wanted to fly as Ranger had said and that was what I was going to do.

"No Joe. We've been through this. It's not what I want"

"What do you want Cupcake?"

"I feel hemmed in here, as though there are so many things pushing at me from all sides"

"What do you mean?"

How the hell did I explain something like this to someone who had such a narrow outlook on their life?

"I hate that everyone thinks that they know me, that everything I do is like being in a sitcom. Remember that film "The Truman Show"? That's how I feel"

"What's wrong with that, having so many people around you that care about you?"

"They don't care about me, what I want or how I feel. I want to be in control of my own destiny, just like Truman did"

"What are you trying to say Cupcake?"

"I'm going to leave Trenton, maybe for a short time or maybe longer, and explore the opportunities out there, beyond this Trenton bubble"

"What about me, your family and friends?"

"I didn't say that I was breaking all bonds"

"And Rangeman?"

"The same. They're amazing guys Joe, even if you don't like them"

"Why now. Is this about Ranger?"

Was it? I suppose in some ways it was. I'd lost one of the most important anchors keeping me here and he'd given me the opportunity to do what I wanted to do and that was to be sure of what had happened to him and find what Grandma had spoken about.

"Not really. Him not coming back started me to think about my own life. All the things that just seem to happen around me, how I'm living my life through other people's expectations"

"What will you do for money or even a job?"

"Vinnies is ramping down on who they bail out. Harry looks to be taking more control and doesn't like how Vinnie is making decisions"

"I heard that, he hasn't been bonding out as many of the low bonds as he was doing. I thought maybe that would have you moving in another direction, settling down, maybe with me"

"No Joe, I'm not prepared to just settle down because that's the only choice I have and you of all people should know why"

I hadn't wanted to be so forthright with Joe, but he had to know how I felt and looking at his face it seemed that he was eventually getting the message.

"I'm so sorry for what happened, I just wish that I could turn the clock back. What will you do?"

"I want to find and make new opportunities for myself"

"I didn't expect this. I just thought you'd, I don't know, go with the flow"

"I still want us to be friends Joe, but that's all it could ever be between us"

"I think I understand. I mean you never were that type of person and I can see how you need to follow that dream. I want to stay friends Cupcake and maybe when you've exhausted those explorations you'll come home"

"Joe, find yourself a woman who you truly love, that loves you and your way of life. Don't wait for me because you'll be full of regrets and disappointment"

I could see by looking at Joe that he was coming around to how I was feeling, that maybe he was beginning to understand me. It was sad that it took Ranger disappearing for me to come to this conclusion as well. As the waitress appeared with a coffee for both of us, I felt that I'd said all I needed to say to Joe.

"What are you going to order, meatball subs?"

"No Joe. I need to go to my parents and talk to them as well"

"Good luck with that"

"My Dad and Grandma will understand, my Mum, well she's had her time of trying to manipulate me and she'll just have to get over it"

"What will you do with your apartment. You're not giving up the lease, are you?"

"No. I have an idea for that"

As I stood to leave Joe was quick to stand up with me and he surprised me by pulling me into his arms.

"Good luck Cupcake. I'm always here if you need me"

"Thanks Joe"

Walking away and out of the restaurant was one of the most difficult things to do, I was walking away from people and places that were comfortable and safe and I could feel the eyes on my back watching me.

Bobby soon appeared next to me as I walked out to the car, he had a very somber look on his face as though he knew what I intended to do.

"Where now Steph?"

"My parents for dinner"

He didn't say a word as he drove through the familiar streets of the Burg and the closer that we got to my parent's house the more nervous I became. Breaking the ties between Joe and I was easy, it was something I needed and wanted to do. The ties with my family would be far more difficult, because I wasn't sure that my Mum would understand what I was doing or how I felt. She'd take it as a personal insult and be as concerned about her own feelings as she was about what the neighbors would think.

As Bobby pulled to a stop outside the duplex that had been my family home forever, I watched as the curtain moved from an upstairs window. The house looked the same as it always had done. Repainted years ago, to a dowdy brown. In some ways it epitomized the way of life here, that feeling of fitting into a mold, never looking to explore any further. I didn't want that life and could never understand how my Mum did. To be so stuck in routines that never changed.

As I got out of the car the door opened with Grandma stood there. No internal radar just her knowing I was here from looking out of the window. How sad was that, her world now revolving around other people's coming and goings and what was being said. Bobby made sure I was accompanied up the steps but then made a hasty retreat back to the car, I didn't blame him.

"Baby girl, we weren't expecting you here, we thought you'd be having dinner at Pinos"

Yet another reason why I hated being here, everyone knowing where you were and what you were doing and probably who with.

"No, I just had a coffee with a friend"

"I'll let your mother know that you're here"

As I walked past the front lounge my Dad came out, no doubt on his way for his dinner.

"Pumpkin, didn't expect to see you here"

I didn't reply because the hallway wasn't the place to start a conversation, I followed my Dad into the dining room and heard Grandma tell my Mum that I was here. Grandma brought through an extra plate and cutlery while my Mum carried through the food. Once sat down it was as though I'd never left the house, my Dad carved the ham joint while we passed around bowls of vegetables, mashed potato and the inevitable gravy. Once our plates were full there was the inevitable silence as we all started to eat. I shouldn't have been surprised when my Grandma started speaking, but the content did.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking this week and I've come to decision"

My mother looked up from her plate and even my Dad stopped moving, his fork part way to his mouth. The room went deathly quiet as we all waited for Grandma to finish eating.

"I'm moving out"

Wow. That was not what I'd been expecting at all. Dad looked as though he was going to crack out laughing while my Mum had a frown on her face.

"Why, why would you do that?"

"Well Ellen. I need my own independence and a place where I have access to friends or activities if I want it. Also, my own bathroom"

The last bit she said looking at my Dad. He was definitely happy thinking about that.

"But you're happy here aren't you?"

"To be honest Ellen, no. I feel like a child with you constantly harping on at me, demanding to know where I'm going and who with. Hell, you even try to stop me doing things that I want to do. No, this is best for everyone"

My head was moving between my Mum and Grandma, trying to work out what else was going on, because for some reason I was sure that I was missing something.

"A policy came through that Harry and I set up years ago. When we took it out, we agreed that when we had access to it then it would probably be the right time for us to move into better accommodations"

"But"

"No Ellen. I've paid my way here for years, don't think that I don't appreciate what you've done, but this time this money is for what I want to do"

It registered then what had been happening and why my Mum wouldn't want Grandma to leave. It meant my Mum wouldn't be able to control what Grandma got up to and also that she wouldn't be getting any additional money. I was so pleased with what Grandma had said and looked at her, seeing that she was determined for this to happen.

"When do you move Grandma?"

"Next week. It's all arranged, the furniture is included so I just have to pack my personal things and my small apartment is waiting for me"

"It sounds good, where are you moving to?"

"It's a new building, not far from here. I'll have a lounge with a kitchen area and a bedroom with an attached bathroom. If you want to get involved there's a common room and there's organized activities. There's even a warden on duty if you need any help"

"But"

"I already told you Ellen, it's a done deal. I can get up when I want, eat when I want, go out when I want and use the bathroom all day if I want. We all need to find what's important to us. Don't we Steph?"

I wasn't too sure what she was meaning by saying that to me, but her winking across to me made me realize that she wasn't the only one who wanted control of her own life. Was this the opening I needed to tell them that I was also going away for a while?

"I think that's a great idea Grandma. I was going to tell you all that I'm going away as well"

Grandma's beaming face showed me that she was pleased with my decision, even though she had no idea just how far I would be going.

"I think that would be good for you Pumpkin. Trenton just strangles everything out of you"

That my Dad had said that surprised me, I mean he'd never even hinted that he thought that about Trenton. My Mum, well she'd already finished her first glass of iced tea and was now pouring another full glass from the jug sat next to her.

"Stephanie, why would you do that, your friends and family are here"

"I know, and they'll still be here. I need time away to reassess what I want to do and where I want to be"

"You can do that here, you don't need to leave Trenton to do that"

"Ellen, she's a grown woman. There's a whole world out there to explore. Just because you like living the Burg life doesn't mean everyone else has to"

Oh boy, the look my Mum gave Dad would have been enough to have had me cowering. He didn't take any notice though and even had a retort to throw back at her.

"You didn't mind when Val moved on"

"Look at how that ended up"

"So she came back. It was her decision to make, not yours. Stephanie may come back as well"

I pushed my empty plate away from me as I listened to the conversation around me. I knew that this was going to be difficult but knowing that my Dad was supporting me had made it easier than I thought it would be.

I didn't really want to stay much longer but in my head, I was saying that this could be my last chance to eat one of my Mum's desserts. I wasn't disappointed when she brought out a beautiful looking chocolate cake and waited quietly while she cut into it and served it out. I was surprised that nothing more was said about Grandma leaving the house or me leaving Trenton, though by the look of my mother's eyes I'd say that there was probably an empty bottle in the trash can in the kitchen. Grandma and I helped to clear the dishes from the table, while my Mum sorted out leftovers into plastic boxes. She handed me a bag with them inside as we left the kitchen.

"I'll see you next week then Stephanie"

Then she turned and walked back into the kitchen leaving the three of us watching as the door closed.

"Come on Pumpkin, I'll drive you home"

I looked at my Dad wondering why he would offer to do that, because he'd never done that before. Besides Bobby was outside waiting for me. I gave Grandma a hug knowing that I'd miss her the most.

"Go find what you need Baby Girl and don't worry about me"

"Just behave Grandma because I won't be around to help you out"

As we walked from the house and down the path, I looked for Bobby where he'd parked when we got here but couldn't see him. That Bobby wasn't here surprised me because I was sure that Tank wouldn't have left me on my own.

"I told him I'd drive you home"

Was what my Dad told me, obviously aware that I'd been looking for Bobby. I got into the passenger seat and waited as Dad got in and started the car, reversing down the drive to turn in the street. That's when I saw the black SUV parked further down the street and actually felt relieved that I hadn't been abandoned. I expected us to ride in silence, but it soon became obvious that taking me home had been my Dads way of talking to me alone.

"I take it that Morelli's out of the picture?"

"Yes. We'll stay friends but that's all"

"Good, never did like that boy. So where are you planning on going?"

"I'm not sure yet, not that far that I can't come home when I want to"

"But far enough if you don't want to"

"Maybe"

"Pumpkin, if you need anything, money or just someone to talk to give me a call. I'll worry about you, especially now that Ranger guy isn't around"

"I'll be fine Dad, honestly"

And to be honest if Rangeman weren't seen around me then maybe I could avoid anyone that had an interest in them and possibly me.

"I've found somewhere to stay that's safe and it'll give me a chance to look around and explore"

"Okay then. It sure will be different with your Grandma and you not around"

"You'll have the place all to yourselves"

"Ah hell, Pumpkin, that means I'll be the one to be in your mothers sights"

"You've always got the lodge"

"I suppose you're right"

As we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment, I kissed my Dad on the cheek before getting out of the car and watched as he drove away. Turning I saw Bobby standing in the entrance way and walked over to him.

"You didn't need to come here Bobby"

"Yes I did, nothing's going to happen to you on my watch"

Once Bobby had checked my apartment and left, it allowed me to finalize some plans. I'd ditched the idea that anyone would be interested in where I was going and if they did know then I'd have a few surprises of my own. I'd booked myself into a small hotel two nights away, for a minimum stay of two weeks. Giving me tomorrow to sort out the arrangement for my apartment and collect the things that I needed from Ranger's vault. The following day I would be on a train heading out of Trenton.