TEDDY

Days after I made the decision not to give my children up for adoption I was allowed to hold Allison. It was a magical moment. My perfect Christmas gift. With everything that had happened I didn't realize that my children were born almost at Christmas. December 15 to be exact. From now on, Christmas won't be the same.

Even though Allison was still connected to dozens of wires, feeling her soft skin against the skin of my bare chest again was an inexplicable sensation, for a moment terrifying memories of the day she was born came to my mind, but having her on my chest, listen to her make those quiet baby noises, curled up in my chest made my heart burst with love.

From time to time I still felt guilty, I remember all the little prenatal care I had during my pregnancy and how I was willing to give them up for adoption, it still kept me awake at night, but soon there was no time to think about anything except my children, especially Henry.

While Allison improved day by day and had no major problems beyond a slight arrhythmia and apnea that made me go crazy, Henry... every day I prayed for Henry, I needed comfort and I found it in God, every day I went to the hospital chapel to pray, to ask God or the Virgin Mary that please, to not take my little angel. I even got him and Allison baptized.

"I know I've never been exactly the most religious person, but it's never too late, isn't it? I... I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and... maybe I am the least indicated person to ask for things, but... he's a baby, he's my baby, they're my babies and they're all I have in the world, please don't take them from me".

The days and weeks kept going and while Allison improved day by day, it got more and more aching for Henry every day.

Of all the possible health problems that a premature baby could present, he had them all. Infections, respiratory distress syndrome, intraventricular hemorrhage, patent ductus arteriosus, bronchopulmonary dysplasia, retinopathy of prematurity, among many other conditions that kept him constantly surrounded by doctors putting all their efforts to keep him alive while I cried helplessly at the impotence of not being able to do nothing to help my little boy.

The more problems Henry presented, the more I turned all my attention to him, even forgetting Allison, which caused me immense guilt when I remembered my little girl, but then I didn't have time to fall into my hole of guilt because Henry came up with a new health problem. And so the cycle went on for months.

Conrad did everything possible to be present and support me as much as he could and I didn't have enough words to thank him for everything he was doing for me and my children. He was being like a father to them.

I won't deny it, I thought of Owen many times, more times than I would've liked. And again the guilt, I blamed myself for spending my time thinking about Owen when I should be thinking about my children.

This was a nightmare for me. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. I lived in the NICU unit 24/7, the doctors had even allowed me to sleep in an on-call room that had practically become my bedroom. Not only was I losing weight but also my mind, until a nurse advised me to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

That same day Henry was rushed in the OR for heart surgery. That made me hit rock bottom. I swore to fight for my children and I wasn't doing it at all.

I asked for help. I started with therapy. I organized my schedule to be with Allison and Henry the same amount of time. I kept praying. I thought less and less about Owen. Until all my efforts and those of the dozens of doctors and nurses who worked for months in keeping my babies alive paid off.

Allison was discharged two and a half months after her birth and although we didn't go home and instead we settled in that on call room-home, to finally have my little girl to myself, free of wires, eating from me, of my breast, was more than enough to keep fighting and keep getting up every day to keep going, for her and for her brother.

And Henry, my little warrior, all the doctors swore he wouldn't survive, but he clung to life. After 4 visits to the OR and countless health problems finally, 6 months after his birth my baby boy was handed to me in my arms in a furry lamb onesie.

I cried with him against my chest for what seemed like hours, finally my boy had won the war, my little warrior would finally go home, to our real home, with me and with his sister to sleep in their respective bassinets next to me bed. To be a family.

There was only one small-huge detail, due to all his complications Henry was affected with deafness and probably in the future his vision would also be compromised. It was a low blow, but the doctors assured me that his deafness could be corrected with a hearing aid device and his vision with glasses or surgery. It was sad, it was sad to think that my little boy would have to deal with all of that all his life, but considering everything he had gone through this was the least of the problems.

The day Allison, Henry and I left the hospital was an emotional day for everyone. The nurses and I cried with joy because finally they would go home, but also with sadness to lose them. The nurses and the doctors had grown fond of the twins so it was very hard for everyone to say goodbye, but it was a sweet goodbye and we promised to visit them regularly.

The first days at home were difficult, although Conrad helped me and was there in each and every one of the free moments he had, he couldn't be with me all the time and I was left alone to deal with two newborns. I was about to fall again, but seeing their faces and remembering all our long way until that moment made me get up and keep going for my children.

I soon got used to barely sleep, changing a lot of diapers, breastfeed two babies at the same time, washing and sterilizing dozens of bottles, lulling them to sleep. I became a master of multitasking, nobody could beat me. I felt so proud of myself.

Finally, after spending so much time in depression, the moment came when I felt proud of myself. Almost alone I was raising two babies. A year and a half later I went back to work, again it was difficult, but nothing that I couldn't handle, making my pride in myself grow even more. I was finally doing it.

Months and years went by, the birth of my babies seemed so far now.

4 years.

My children were growing and that caused me nostalgia, but at the same time immense happiness. They were beautiful, in personality like day and night, but perfect.

Allison. All red hair, freckles and huge green eyes. Outgoing, bubbly, always full of energy and lover of playing outside even if it was snowing.

Henry. All blond hair and crystal blue eyes behind his adorable glasses. Introvert, quiet, lover of legos, puzzles and coloring books.

My greatest treasures, the true loves of my life.

OWEN

Emptiness. Emptiness is all I can feel. I feel empty, nothing excites me anymore. I've lost the passion to live, to work. I don't remember the last time I worked. How long has it been? 2 years? Three? I don't remember, I don't care either.

I don't remember what it is like to feel the adrenaline of attending a trauma case, of working against the clock in the OR. To be respected. I don't remember what happiness feels like.

I've been alone for more than four years. Again Amelia and I crashed, it was to be expected. We didn't know life without Leo and Betty, when they left, we collapsed. Not to mention the constant fights we had and that I couldn't stop thinking about Teddy. She blamed me for not being one hundred percent in with her and Betty, I blamed her for justifying Betty's addiction, she called me out for my lack of sensibility.

The breaking point was after Betty's death due to an overdose. Her parents took Leo, Amelia and I were left completely alone, we took refuge in work, everything in order to spend the least time alone under the same roof.

One night while drunk I told Amelia that I loved her, that I loved her as I had never loved, that I had always loved her from the first moment I saw her, that she was the love of my life... but I called her Teddy. I saw Teddy's face in Amelia. She took her belongings and left.

Since then I've been alone, I've had little adventures, but nothing more than one or two nights. Nothing fills me, nothing motivates me. I've been about to go back to Germany to look for Teddy, to apologize, to beg her to at least allow me to be her friend again, but no, she didn't deserve to see me again, she didn't deserve to be hurt by me again

"All you ever do is hurt me, Owen!"

I still remember that day as if it had been yesterday, the day I was in Teddy's bed. If I close my eyes and concentrate I can still feel her soft, warm skin against my skin. Her soft hair between my fingers, her sweet scent of jasmine. Everything disappears when I open my eyes.

I'm lying on the sofa looking at the ceiling waiting for Megan, she would be visiting for a few days. Her excuse was my mother, but I know she did it for me. Good luck with that, I'm beyond help.

"Owen? Owen, are you home?" Megan comes into my house calling for me.

"I'm here". I say monotonously from the sofa.

She goes and sits down next to me and looks at me worried. "Hey." She tells me, softly.

"Spit it out. What do you want, Megan?"

"Ok, you want me to go straight to the point, I will. I came to help you; you can't continue like this!"

"Like this, how?"

"Depressed, without working, leaving yourself to die!"

"Would be the best".

She gets up from the couch and looks at me angrily. "Do you really think it would be the best?! I was captive for 10 years wishing to see you again only so that now you decide that it's better to die?! Man up! You have everything to be happy!"

"You have everything to be happy!"

This makes my blood boil, she doesn't know anything about me, she doesn't know that I don't have anything to be happy, that I don't have her, Teddy. She is the only thing that would make me happy right now.

"Do you really think I'm happy?! You don't know me anymore, Megan! You don't know what happens with my life, my dreams, my hopes. You don't know anything! So stop acting like you know all about me!"

"Then tell me! Help me to understand! I want to understand why my only brother is letting himself die in this way!"

"Because I lost everything!"

"Oh well, I'm glad to know that Mom and I mean so much to you".

"I don't mean you two".

"Then?"

"I lost my son and the love of my life".

She huffs. "Please, Owen, you knew that Leo was just your foster kid. And Amelia? I'm sorry, but everyone could see that you were the least compatible couple in the world. How can you call her the love of your life?!"

"I loved Leo, he was my son... and I don't mean Amelia... I mean Teddy!"

Megan looks at me in shock. I never told her about my night with Teddy, she always rooted for Teddy and me to be together, but I never told her of my true feelings towards her, especially after what happened in Germany. She would hate me if she knew what happened that night. She kept asking me if I had any idea what was wrong with Teddy, she didn't answer her e-mails and she had changed her phone number. Teddy had cut off all contact not only with me but also with Megan and my mom and that hurt my soul. My mother and Megan loved Teddy and because of my stupidity I took them away from her.

"WHAT?! Teddy? Owen, you never—"

"I never told you anything? I know. But I love her, I've always loved her and I... I did something stupid and she kicked me out of her life forever".

Megan takes my hand and we sit down on the sofa again. "What did you do, Owen?"

"I can't tell you, Megan... I'm too embarrassed to talk about it".

"What could've been so bad? You two always fix your differences, you don't know how to be upset with each other".

"This was different... I hurt her, badly". I say, quickly wiping a tear, I'm ashamed that Megan sees me cry.

"Is that why she cut off all communication with all of us?"

I nod solemnly.

"Oh Owen... I, I'm so sorry, brother. If I could I would do anything to fix this".

"I know. And now I don't know what to do without her, I don't know life without her, she has been the only constant in my life... I will never forgive myself for having hurt her".

"Was it why you came back with Amelia?" Megan asks, tentatively.

I doubt a few seconds. "More or less". Megan looks at me expectantly, I sigh, I can't hide many things from Megan. "I went to Germany... I declared my love, I told her how much I loved her and for how long I had loved her".

"So? What went wrong?!"

"I had been in bed with Amelia only 24 hours previously". I answer, ashamed. I wait for Megan's rant, but she just looks at me sympathetically. "I was stupid, she was furious and rightly so... she kicked me out of her house".

"And why did you come back with Amelia? If she was the reason why you lost Teddy, why did you come back with her?"

"I... I don't know, it was everything. Leo came to me unexpectedly, she jumped in to help me without me asking her, I missed Teddy like crazy and she was there, she was perfect and I had no Teddy... "

"Oh brother, you screwed it olympically".

I nod. "And now my life is a misery".

"Owen, you can't go on like this... I'm not saying you should get over it overnight, but... do it for mom, seeing you like that is breaking her heart".

"I know and that breaks my heart too, but... I don't know how to do it, I don't know how to get out of this".

"To start, get out of here, sell this house, start over, I don't know, go on a trip".

Megan was right, a new start doesn't sound so bad, the problem is that I don't know how to do it, I know I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it either, I'm very proud to do it. "It is almost Christmas". I say, out of nowhere and Megan looks at me confused.

"It's November 15, Owen". She answers me, frowning, but I ignore her.

"Teddy loves Christmas and snow... I probably ruined the snow for her".

"Owen!" Megan exclaims to get my attention. I'm lost in my thoughts, remembering Teddy's face that time I brought the snow machine to Iraq, her huge green eyes shining more than the hot sun. I remember how she preferred to give the soldiers a chance to enjoy the snow near their faces even when I could see how she was dying to put her face in front of the blower and feel the snowflakes on her cheeks, but she just looked at the soldiers smiling, always so selfless.

"What?"

"So?"

"You're right, I'll make a trip". She smiles at me and gives me a light arm shake. "Megan".

"Yes?"

This was too difficult for me, but I hoped that saying it out loud would make it easier. "I think I need help".

"I will help you in everything you need... you are not alone Owen".