What's The Harm In Having A Harem?

"To hammer, you hold the nail in place with your fingers like that, and then pound it in carefully at first so you don't smash them―oops! I'm sorry! Are you okay?"

"Don't worry, Phin-baby! It doesn't hurt when you hold my hand like that… In fact, feel free to kiss it better!"

Phineas was showing the clumsy Yandarian Phoebe how to hammer a nail properly, and had accidentally hit her thumb on their first swing.

"Seriously, how tough are you? You can walk in this gravity like it's nothing, and you shrug off hammering your finger like it's a pinprick?"

"Well, we did grow up here, so we're pretty used to it. This gravity feels normal to us. Anyways, most people can acclimate to stronger gravitational fields within a few months. But, you know, I don't mind helping you walk, even after you acclimate!" Phoebe said with a squeeze, nuzzling her cheek into Phineas' back.

"Uh, thanks?"

At that moment, Galexia interrupted. "Hey, Phoebe! It's my turn to work beside Phineas! So hurry up and switch places with me!"

"Are you kidding me? You know I'm too clumsy to hammer without Phineas guiding me! So the only option is for us to continue working like this!"

"Huh? Weren't you the one who built that treehouse back when we were younger? Don't give me that 'I'm too clumsy' schtick! I bet you even told him you'd never hammered before! Cassie! Phoebe isn't giving me my turn with Phineas!"

"Phoebe!? Let Lexi have a turn with the man!"

"No! My turn still has a few more minutes!"

"Look! She's changing her story! She was giving me the old 'I'm too clumsy' speech five seconds ago!"

"Phoebe! You were there when we all agreed to take turns spending time with Phineas. You had your turn, now pass him along. It's only fair. You can have another turn later."

"Who put you in charge anyway, Cassie? You're not the Queen yet!"

"Are you disputing my authority as the eldest?"

"I suppose I am!" Phoebe glared at her sister.

"Don't make me come over there!" Cassie glared right back.

"It's okay," Phineas interrupted, not wanting to be the cause of a fight. "Phoebe, you just keep practicing swinging that hammer for a bit while I go check up on how Alexia's section is coming along." After giving her control of the hammer, he grabbed onto a nearby iron bar of scaffolding to support himself as he shuffled down the plank.

"Awww..." Phoebe pouted before turning to finish hammering in the nail like she was a pro.

Alexia clutched at her chest as Phineas approached her. "My heart's beating really fast for some reason! Phineas just chose to be with me out of all my sisters! Does this mean he likes me?" Her hands flew to her face as she blushed.

"What'd you say about someone liking you?" Phineas asked, having just caught that last part by the time he reached her.

"Oh―it's, um… I was wondering, do you like me?" she breathed.

"Of course I like you, we're friends, aren't we?" Phineas said in his typical, laidback voice.

Alexia blushed more and had to wipe a bit of drool from the corner of her mouth. "Ehehe!"

"Wow, your welding job looks great!" Phineas said, inspecting the support beams behind her. "Just be sure that the steel melt on this bar gets a little thicker, like how that one looks over there!" he offered.

"I see… Can you―give me some other pointers?"

"Sure can," Phineas grinned, and before long, Alexia was happily supporting him from behind while he welded, in much the same way Phoebe had been previously.

Isabella, unable to work as the Yandarians were quite uninterested in holding her frame up, merely sat at the lounger and looked on from the beach, both elbows jutting into her knees as she unhappily rested her chin in her hands. "There he goes on to the next girl, like he's in one of those speed-dating games they throw at singles parties," she muttered bitterly, half wishing they would all just fall into the ocean.

Dressed in a wetsuit and flippers, Ferb leaned backwards over the side of the bobbing rocket ship and fell into the ocean, quickly biting down on his breathing apparatus. He descended into the water until he came across a pink-skinned, mermaid-like alien with webbed appendages, gills, and fins. Once he had its attention, Ferb showed the aquatic alien a picture of Phineas and Isabella. The alien, after taking a good look, shook its head, and returned the photograph.

Ferb gave the thumbs up and swam back to the surface.

"Well done, everyone!" Phineas congratulated as they stood on the beach, looking upon their creation. The water slide was finished, consisting of an escalator that ferried riders up to the apex, where the tubes began their twisting, turning descent, ultimately plunging into the ocean. It was a far cry from some of the other slides he had built in his day, what with being handicapped by the gravity and not having Ferb around to help. That made it no less impressive to the six sisters, however, who oohed and awed, starstruck.

"Wow, this slide is incredible!"

"And we built it so fast, too!"

"I can hardly believe my eyes!"

"It seems Phineas really is a handyman with these things!"

"I am so in love right now!"

"I bet a man like that provides the same amount of attention and devotion to everything he cares about in life!"

Isabella just rolled her eyes.

"Well what are we all waiting for?" Phineas asked rhetorically. "Let's ride!"

"Yeah!" The six sisters pumped their fists in the air.

At long last, Phineas finally turned to speak with Isabella for the first time in over an hour. "Isabella, are you coming?"

She turned her nose up from where she sat on the lounger. "Humph! No thanks! I'm still tired, so I don't feel like getting up!"

Little red flags went off in Phineas' mind, indicating that something was off. They had just made up right after they got to the beach, so surely Isabella couldn't still be mad at him, could she?

Before he could ponder that thought, the sisters were crowding around him. "Phineas, c'mon! Ride with me first!"

"No, ride with me! I already have an innertube, see?"

"No fair! You spent more time working with him than I did, so I should ride with him first!"

Isabella was pushed to the back of Phineas' mind as the ladies dragged him over to the bottom of the escalator. "Calm down, everyone! We'll just have to take turns!" he resolved.

"Whee!" Phoebe clung to the crook of Phineas' arm the whole ride as they slid down together.

"Haha! Yeah!" Stella held onto Phineas' hand so they didn't get separated around any of the bends.

"Woohoo!" Cassie kept both arms raised high in the air as she rode human-train style between Phineas' legs.

"Ahhh!" Miranda hugged Phineas tightly across his chest, keeping both eyes tightly shut as she braced against him the whole way down.

"Mmm, this is the best!" Alexia rode human-train style behind Phineas, locking her arms around his waist while nuzzling his shoulder from behind.

"Eh, woah!" Luna, small as she was, managed to fit on Phineas' lap for the duration of the slide.

Isabella grinded her teeth from her lounge chair, managing to tear in half the beach towel she had been holding in a death grip.

After having ridden the slide over and over, Phineas was starting to feel drained. He floated on his back without an innertube, bobbing along the waves serenely like a human beach ball. In accordance with Archimedes' principle, his body was far more buoyant here than it was on Earth, because the volume of water he displaced weighed so much more on Yandaray's surface. It effectively canceled out the planet's extra gravity to be in the water. "Whew, what a day!" he said, taking a deep breath. Casting his eyes back to the shore, the six sisters were busying themselves with spreading a blanket out and setting up picnic supplies. After a short time, Cassie yoohooed and waved at Phineas.

"Hey, lunch is ready!"

"Okay! Be right there!" he shouted, and proceeded to swim the length back.

Cassie turned around. "That goes for you too, Isabella. We have enough sandwiches for everyone!"

Isabella frowned and crossed her arms. "I'm not hungry," she stated flatly before her stomach grumbled, giving her away.

"C'mon, don't be such a fuddy-duddy! Join the group!"

Heaving a sigh, Isabella managed to lift her body out of the beach chair, feeling grateful she had done so many squats at the gym during soccer season.

She was joined by Phineas as they struggled to walk over the shifting sand, compounded by the extra weight they felt from the intense gravity. Upon making it the short distance to where the picnic blanket was spread, they plopped themselves down and had to catch their breath from the exertion.

They were quickly joined by the other six girls, all of whom were still as energetic as ever. "Oh man, I've starved!" Phoebe said, rubbing her tummy.

"Me too!"

"Don't hold back and eat up, everyone! Miranda packed plenty of sandwiches!"

"Thanks, Miranda!"

"Don't mention it…"

The sandwiches and a handful of juice boxes were passed around until everyone had some, and they all munched away happily. It would have looked like a normal picnic, if it weren't for the fact that just bringing their sandwiches up to take a bite was like trying to eat dumbbells for Phineas and Isabella. After just a few bites, Phineas' biceps were already sore. Every time he lifted his food, his arms would shake visibly.

Seeing this, Cassie scooched next to him. "Here, Phineas, say, 'Ahh!'" She held up her sandwich close to his mouth.

"But that's your sandwich, Cassie," Phineas balked. "You already bit there!"

"I don't mind!" she replied with a gentle tone.

Casting a neglectful look at his own sandwich and the long and arduous journey it was wont to take, Phineas hesitantly opened his mouth and accepted a bite of hers. "Ohm!" he chewed.

Cassie smiled and brought the sandwich to her own mouth, biting right over Phineas' teeth marks. "Mmm! So good!" She held her stuffed cheek full of food with her other hand, paying no mind to the half dozen looks of unabashed jealousy every other girl was shooting at her.

Suddenly, all the girls were climbing over each other, trying to offer their sandwiches to Phineas. "Here, Phineas! Have a bite of mine!"

"Don't you want to try some of mine, dear? It's grilled cheese!"

"I also want to try yours, too!"

"Say, 'Ahh!' Open wide!"

"Are you thirsty? Have some of my juice! Go ahead and use my straw!"

At the bottom of the pile, Phineas winced. "Oof! You're all crushing me―ohm?!" His opening his mouth was the opening they were all waiting for, and multiple sandwiches were shoveled in, puffing his cheeks out like a squirrel. Now attempting to chew all this food without choking, he had to shut his eyes to concentrate.

Meanwhile, Isabella's head was no longer cartoonishly exploding. It was going full-blown supernova. She viciously tore into her sandwich, pretending to ignore everyone the way they were all ignoring her.

"They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Stella chanted, looking on as Phineas munched away.

"Does that mean he likes one of us now?" asked Luna.

"He probably likes the one whose sandwich tasted the best," offered Miranda.

"So whose sandwich was the best?" Alexia prodded.

"Yeah, whose?" added Phoebe.

After taking adequate time to chew and swallow properly, Phineas paused for breath. "They were all good!"

"But whose did you like best?"

"C'mon, don't be shy!"

"Yeah, which of us do you like the most?"

"Huh? Are you asking about the sandwiches, or about something else?"

"The sandwiches! No, us! No, the sandwiches!"

"Just tell us your choice!"

"I don't know, I liked all of them!"

It suddenly went quiet as everyone sank back into their spots, acting like they had been rejected.

"...So you really don't like any of us?" Stella asked.

"What? No!" Phineas denied. "I literally said I liked all of them equally, how did you even come to that conclusion? (Besides, when you stuff five different sandwiches in my mouth all at once, it makes it kind of hard to differentiate flavors...)"

"But we're asking which one of us you like!"

"I like all of you! How many times do I have to say this? And even if I didn't like your sandwiches, I would still like you as a person!"

The girls all looked up. "Really?"

"Of course! You've been nothing but kind to Isabella and me ever since we arrived!"

Isabella snorted at that, but Phineas didn't notice.

"So, in a hypothetical situation," Cassie cautiously asked, "if I asked you to come hang out with me, you'd say yes?"

"Absolutely!"

"What if, again, in a purely hypothetical situation," Stella responded, "I was locked at the top of a tall tower, does that mean you'd come rescue me?"

"Without hesitation!"

"Suppose I wanted to go rock climbing with someone," Phoebe proposed, "would you go with me?"

"Of course!"

"And what if I needed some help folding laundry?" asked Miranda. "You would be there for me, too?"

"Totally!"

"Sometimes my back and shoulders get some nasty knots," Alexia chimed in. "Would you massage them for me when they ache?"

"In a heartbeat!"

"It's―it's not like I ever need help with anything," Luna standoffishly pouted, "but if we're talking hypotheticals here, would you help me if I ever did?"

"You betcha!" His supportive and encouraging words left all the girls swooning, with heart icons visibly showing in their pupils.

Phineas followed up by giving them all a thumbs up. "We're friends now, and that's what friends do!" In that one line, all the romantic tension that had built up in the air came crashing down, with all six girls getting friend-zoned at once by this world's most oblivious and only boy. The six sisters all fell on their backs in shock.

There was a soft sound from Phineas' side. Isabella had snorted in trying to contain herself, ultimately failing as she rolled onto her back in a fit of laughter, kicking her legs wildly in the air. "Serves you all right, you're ten years too late! You have no idea how much of his obliviousness I had to wade through before I got through to him! Ha haha!~"

Phineas looked around, startled. "What obliviousness? Did I say something strange?"

Stella broke out of her stupor and raised her voice. "If he's really that oblivious, then I suppose I will just have to stop beating around the bush! Phineas, let me tell you my true feelings!" She lunged forward and grabbed him by the shoulders. "I want you to be mine!"

"O-kay," Phineas said, uncertainly. "Be your what?"

"No, listen to me before you give her an answer!" Miranda pushed Stella aside. "Phineas, whatever the other girls say, I definitely li―li―li―" At the last moment, the girl became too shy to continue.

Phoebe used the lull in conversation to make her move. She grabbed the picnic basket by the handle and flung it into the air. "Whoops! There goes my clumsy side again! Oh no, it's going to fall on you, Phineas!" she said in a tempered voice of theatrical revealment as she dove on him to protect him.

"Oof!" Phineas was suddenly thrown on his back, with Phoebe laying on top of him, gazing in his eyes.

The basket softly landed clear on the other side of the blanket, nowhere near where they had been sitting.

"Are you okay, Phineas? That was dangerous!" Her face was inches apart from his. It was at this moment he realized that these girls were acting kind of strange. Phoebe's toned, athletic body was pressing against his chest, making his heart rate increase. Phineas felt his blood pressure spike and involuntarily began drooling. He gulped to swallow some of it down.

"You know, Phineas, compared to the other girls, I think you and I have the greatest connection."

His breathing became very shallow as she leaned in closer. Holy guacamole! Is she trying to kiss me? Wait a second, have all these girls actually been hitting on me this whole time? Even after I told them Isabella was already my girlfriend!?

Phoebe licked her lips, which were just inches apart from his.

I'm sorry, Isabella! I didn't realize this was going to happen! I just thought they were having fun building the slide and hanging out with us! I was a fool, I didn't mean for this to happen!

"Get off him!" Just like that, Phoebe's weight was yanked off of him.

"Hey, what gives you the right to―!"

"I'm the one he belongs with!" Phineas' arm was nearly ripped from its socket as he was whipped up so high his feet missed the ground and he came crashing back down, face first.

"Oof! Ow ow ow…" He had landed on something soft. When he opened his eyes, they immediately met up with Alexia's, making him suddenly realize he was now laying in the opposite position, directly on top of her.

"I can't ignore my feelings any longer," she whispered gently in his ear. "Phineas, I swear I will make you fall for me! You will be my groom!"

No! Isabella is already my girlfriend! All these girls are gorgeous, but I already promised myself to her, and I can't cheat on her now while we're still in the middle of our first date! He thought that, but he couldn't raise himself off Alexia's body even the slightest, due to the planet's gravity. It took all he had just to lift his head an inch or two so that his lips wouldn't make contact with hers.

"Just give me your answer," Alexia continued. "Do you love me?"

"...!" Phineas strained, just concentrating on not letting his head droop any lower. "I―"

"Hey, just what are you trying to pull?" Phineas felt his body pulled up yet again, but he managed to land on his feet this time. There was a thud, and Phineas looked up to see Alexia rubbing the top of her head.

"Ow! Luna, what was that for?"

"You know exactly what! We all saw what you did, Alexia! You purposely made him fall on top of you, how despicable!" Luna exclaimed.

"Well what do you expect me to do after Phoebe pulled a stunt like that?"

"Shut up! You know he's not used to Yandaray's gravity yet, you could have hurt him!"

Phineas felt a rush of gratitude for the first person to finally understand his feelings. "Thank you, Luna!" he said while placing a hand on her shoulder, making her blush.

Alexia stopped rubbing her goose egg and put on a smug face. "Oho, so even you have fallen for him too, Luna?"

Luna blushed even more. "I said shut up!" she turned away and folded her arms tightly.

Cassie, the eldest, stood up and assumed center stage. "Ho hum, that was certainly entertaining, to say the least. I guess there's no hiding it any longer. Phineas, all six of us have fallen madly in love with you. So, which of us do you pick?―

"Is what I should say, but the truth is that I can't stand the thought of losing this battle to any of my sisters! You will be mine!"

"―Eh?"

Before anyone could react, Cassie swept Phineas up off his feet in the honeymoon carry and dashed off in the direction of the lush rainforest. "Sorry sisters, but as the oldest, I deserve to be the first to be married! It's only fair!"

Just like that, she disappeared into the dense foliage, carrying Phineas with her.

"Hey!" The five remaining sisters and Isabella all shouted in unison.

"No fair, Cassie!"

"That was way below the belt!"

"So much for all that talk of being the most mature out of all of us!"

"When I find her, I'm gonna kill her!"

"Agreed!"

"Let's get her!"

"Hey wait, don't leave me here all alone!" Isabella called, but in a flash, they had all taken off at full speed into the jungle. In contrast, Isabella slowly and shakily got to her feet and began putting one foot in front of the other, her legs about to buckle at any moment under the intense strain just walking put them under. After a few steps, she paused to catch her breath and realized how futile it was.

She looked in the direction of the jungle and clenched a fist. "This isn't over!"

After having been carried some distance into the lush vegetation, Phineas was set down. "What's going―"

"Shh!" Cassie laid a finger over his lips, silencing him, before diverting her eyes back into the depths of the rainforest. All her senses were cranked up on high alert, judging from the way her eyes darted back and forth and her head turned at the slightest noise. She was even sniffing the air a little. Phineas cast his eyes around as well, wondering what she was looking for, when suddenly―

"Get down!" Cassie pulled Phineas onto the ground, and not a moment later, a couple of darts sunk their way into the tree trunk directly behind them.

"Hey, sis!" From the shadows in the foliage a few feet away, a shape emerged and turned into the form of Galexia, who was grinning so widely it made her look like a crazed lunatic. In her hand was the pipe she had apparently used to blow the tranquilizers. "Hand over the boy and I might let you live!"

"I don't think so!" Cassie picked Phineas back up and made a run for it, narrowly avoiding another couple of darts as they bounced off a mossy boulder.

"Gotta get to the castle!" Cassie muttered under her breath, checking over her shoulder as she sprinted down a narrow pathway through the jungle. Carrying Phineas didn't seem to slow her down in the slightest.

"Hold on, Cassie! Wait!" Phineas tried. "I don't like this! Whatever you and your sisters are doing, it makes me feel like I'm some sort of prey!"

"Just hold on tight, Phineas! I'll keep you―"

Whoosh!

"―safe?"

"Ah-hahahaaah!" A dark shape swung out of nowhere on a tree vine and snatched Phineas out of Cassie's arms. Phineas watched in a daze as innumerable branches and tree trunks were careening past in a blur when it clicked and he realized he was swinging through the canopy.

"I got you!" Phoebe said, shooting Phineas a toothy grin as she cradled him tightly with one arm, grasping onto a vine with the other.

"Phoebe, thank goodness! Cassie and Alexia are acting crazy! We need to―uh, Phoebe?"

A dark shadow crossed Phoebe's face. "Don't worry, Phineas, dear! It will all be over soon! Once I make you my groom, they won't be able to lay a finger on you!"

Phineas gulped. Not her too!

Just then, Phoebe noticed another shadow leaping from branch to branch not far behind, seemingly keeping up with them. "Get lost!" she called over her shoulder. "This is my husband!"

"Not if I marry him first!" Miranda retorted, close on their tail. "Hyaa!" With a flick of her wrist, a pair of throwing stars shot from her fingers and sliced cleanly through Phoebe's vine, sending Phineas and her tumbling.

In this intense gravity, even short falls could be deadly, so Phineas braced himself―

Only to be caught in the waiting arms of Miranda, as Phoebe crashed to the ground in a crumpled heap. "Ow ow ow…" she winced, one of her legs twitching in the air.

"H-hi, Phineas," Miranda shyly blushed. "Could you please hold on tight? I can't afford to―"

"You snooze, you lose!" Phineas felt the whiplash as he was stolen once again, this time by Stella. "Sayonara, sistas!"

"Stella! Has the whole world gone crazy, or is it just me?"

"Oh, you're not crazy, Phineas! You're my Prince Charming, after all! As soon as we get to the castle, we can finally begin our own happily ever after!"

"...The whole world, then?" he repeated blankly.

Stella was galloping up a mountain path now, and the lush tropical jungle was beginning to thin. Phineas could tell he had been brought a substantial distance from the beach already, and none of these girls seemed the least bit tired.

"Okay, I'm trying to wrap my head around this," Phineas announced, putting together all the pieces of information he had. "You're taking me to a castle, where I'm guessing your mother is since she's the Queen, and you all want to marry me? And where's Isabella?"

"Don't think about the other girls, beloved. There's no need for you to worry about anything except for―a flying boulder!" Stella dug her heels into the ground, skidding to a halt. An instant later, a large boulder the size of a refrigerator smashed down into the pathway a short distance ahead of them, blocking the way.

Stella about faced and shouted, "Hey! That almost crushed us!"

Luna was approaching them from down the mountain path, cracking her knuckles. "Then you should really be more careful where you step."

"As if that had anything to do with it!"

Just then, a rumbling sound rattled from nearby, caused by another huge boulder being pushed aside. Miranda emerged from the spot onto the path. "Don't think you'll be settling this without me!"

"Ah-aaaaah-aaaaah!" Swinging from out of nowhere on a tree vine while whooping like Tarzan, Phoebe launched herself through the air and landed on the pathway beside them. "Don't worry, Phineas, dear! I'll take care of these pests, and then we can begin our honeymoon!" she said, rising from a crouch.

"You'll 'take care' of us?" Alexia chuckled with a twittering laugh that she half covered using the back of her hand, taking up a position in the circle they were forming. "As if!"

Last but not least, Cassie appeared out of the forest side of the path and took up a stance as well. "Oh, look! We're all back together again!"

All six sisters stood in a circle, facing each other. The tension in the air was so thick, Phineas figured it could be cut with a knife.

"Things are about to get messy, so here, you might want to take a step back." Stella gently placed Phineas down on his feet before returning to face the others. "Ah, so, this is it, huh? The final battle to determine which of us will be wedding Phineas?"

"Last one standing wins?"

"That's fine by me!"

"Yeah!"

"Me too!"

"Hyaaaah!"

All together, they charged the center of the circle they had formed, and in no time the area had become a puffy cloud of dirt. A mismatching hodgepodge of arms and legs were visibly swinging through gaps in the swirling dust.

As much as Phineas disliked violence, he had bigger problems. This was a matter of life and death. Trying not to be seen, he tiptoed along the edge of the pathway, using the cliff face to steady himself. If I could just sneak past them without being noticed, I might have a chance to escape and get back to the beach―he thought that, but the gravity was still too strong. After taking just a couple of steps, he was already beginning to feel winded and light-headed. His progress was further halted when Miranda smashed into the embankment directly in front of him, scattering small rocks and pebbles and severely cracking the base of the cliff.

She didn't seem harmed; in fact, she thoughtlessly extracted herself from the impression her body had cast in the solid rock, dusted herself off, and leapt back into the fray.

Phineas had to put his eyes back in their sockets after seeing this impressive display of strength and durability. "This is nuts! These Yandarians are scary strong!" He restarted his journey around the edge of the skirmish, muttering, "I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!"

There was a conveniently sized branch laying on the ground nearby. Phineas thought he'd try using it as a walking stick, but when he attempted to lift it, it proved far too heavy to be of any use. Casting that thought aside, he continued his trek empty-handed.

Meanwhile, the free-for-all continued. The noise of the battle was truly, air-rendingly, earth-shakingly terrifying, to the point that some of the impacts were causing Phineas' bones to rattle.

"Kamelamela!"

"Radouken!"

"Hasengan!"

"Serious consecutive jabs!"

"Idaho Smash!"

"Falcon Crunch!"

At the six battle cries that rang to the sky like claps of thunder, he turned to see all six of the girls punching each other at once, sending a mighty shockwave through the air. It rippled and roared, creating a huge burst of energy, the wind of which caught Phineas. With nothing to brace himself with, the shockwave and subsequent blast of wind tossed him into the sky, like a baseball being hit on a home run.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" His silhouette turned into a distant speck in the sky.

"Phineas!" six female voices shouted in unison, all shocked by what they had accidentally done.

By some miracle, a river cutting through the mountain pass appeared below Phineas at the end of his fall, and he landed in the water with a splash. He paddled for air and broke his head out of the water, catching his breath.

"We're coming, Phineas!" he heard from somewhere nearby, but when he turned his head to look around, he realized how swift the stream's current was. The banks of the river on either side were rushing past. He was being swept away!

"This should take me back to the ocean," he told himself, and began doing the breaststroke to keep himself from hitting any of the rocks jutting out of the water. Glancing over his shoulder, the six sisters were ninja-running down the riverbanks parallel to him. He quickened his stroke, hoping to leave them behind and escape.

Then he noticed a sort of horizon line in the water ahead. The current was accelerating, and Phineas immediately knew what was about to happen next. "Oh no, oh no!" He swiftly turned about and frantically paddled the other way, but it was too late. The waterfall was quickly approaching, and within seconds, he reached the edge and tumbled over.

"Phineas!" someone called, but he was too busy waiting for his impending doom to turn and see what was happening behind him.

It was a cartoonishly long fall before he hit the water and blacked out.

He came to with a groan. Phineas opened his eyes and found himself in a lavishly decorated bedroom. He was laying on a four-poster bed, resting in between exquisitely soft sheets that felt like the finest silk.

"Good afternoon, master!"

He glanced at his side. A stunning brunette girl about his age was standing over him. She wore a strangely familiar black dress and accompanying white apron―the cliché outfit of a maid. High on her forehead, a cowlick caused a strand of hair at her crown to stand straight up. She flashed him a courteous smile and bowed. "Do not be alarmed! I am Callisto, here to serve you during your stay at Queen Lyra's castle. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask!"

"Callisto?" Phineas asked in a groggy voice.

"Please call me 'Callie!' Everyone does! Because of my cowlick, see?" She pointed cutely at the spot on her forehead. Just like all the other girls he had met on this planet, she was a knockout, and Phineas almost drooled in spite of himself.

"Callie, how did I get here?" he asked instead.

Callie gave him a warm smile. "The princesses brought you here. They said it was their fault you were knocked unconscious and wanted you to get rested up until you were feeling better."

"Oh, that's right," he said, remembering. "Well, it was their fault I nearly drowned, but if they saved my life, I guess I can't be too mad about it."

"Splendid!" Callie the maid clapped her hands and turned to a metal gurney. "If you are feeling up to it, I have prepared a small meal for you." She raised a silver lid from off a tray, revealing a steaming platter of hearty stew and instantly unleashing a pleasant aroma of food.

"Today's entre is twice-smoked boeuf bourguignon with fresh vegetables and herbs I picked this morning from the royal garden. To go with your dish, I have provided a variety of hand-kneaded and freshly baked bruschetta rolls topped with an olive-based vinaigrette and our head chef's signature fried seaskunk sauce. For the salad I hand-tossed some of our finest green-leafed koisogn stems with brachioberries and added a hint of lime, and to drink, lunksome gurglewarsh with a dash of sweetening cider. Please enjoy!"

Phineas blinked. "Did that whole line just roll off the tongue?" Then he smelled that heavenly aroma, and his stomach growled. "Well I am feeling pretty hungry, so I guess I'll dig in! Hrgh!" He tried to sit up, but was reminded that the planet's gravity was impeccably strong and didn't make it anywhere.

"Here, allow me!" Cassie helped him sit up with a smile, then passed the tray of food over and set it across his lap.

"Thanks," Phineas offered. "Um, where are the girls―I mean, the princesses?"

Callie tilted her head, ever smiling. "They are currently in an audience with the Queen. Once you are finished eating, I have been instructed to show you to the throne room to join them."

Phineas took a deep breath and nodded. "Right."

Taking a final bow, Callie let herself out of the room. Phineas reached out to grasp the nearest spoon―and found it too heavy to even lift.

"Callie?" he called.

"Yes, master?" she said, poking her head back in.

"It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm not used to this gravity yet, and, well, I couldn't even lift the spoon…"

"Allow me to assist!" She happily scooped up a bite of boeuf bourguignon, then softly blew to cool it and held it up to his mouth. "Here, say, 'Ah!'"

"Wha? The 'Say "Ah!" Game' again?"

"Your majesty, our guest has arrived. The Queen welcomes Phineas Flynn!"

Phineas was brought to a magnificent court with embroidered tapestries hanging from the walls. Massive stone pillars lined the hall, and the thick burgundy carpet underfoot was exquisitely soft. He passed through the golden archway at the entrance and lumbered down the aisle, barely managing to cross the court before needing to catch his breath. Callie accompanied him, and when they stopped, she dropped to her knees before the throne.

"Your majesty," she genuflected.

Phineas tried to do the same, shakily lowering his body, but ultimately losing the fight against the gravity and falling splat on his face. Now he could tell how squishy and soft the carpet really was. "Your majesty," he grumbled into the floor.

Callie quickly helped him stand back upright, and Phineas lifted his eyes.

The old woman seated on the throne was short, squat, and shriveled. She removed her thick grandma-style glasses, which had a necklace attachment, to breath on the lens and clean them with a handkerchief before placing them back on her wrinkly nose. Then she peered at Phineas more closely.

"Hmm," she hummed, before rising from her seat. Standing up, she was even shorter than when sitting on the throne. She reached for a walker at her side and, one step at a time, pushed her way down the six steps to be at his level. "Hmm."

She was scrutinizing him very intensely, and Phineas started to break into a sweat. Using her walker, she carted her way around him, never taking her eyes off him, getting a good view from every angle. Phineas, feeling more uncomfortable with each passing second, glanced around the room and saw the six sisters sitting on cushioned chairs to either side of the throne, all watching the proceedings with bated breath.

"Hmm." The Queen had almost finished her inspection, now standing at an angle behind Phineas' left shoulder. At last, she finally spoke. "He certainly is a handsome one, isn't he? What did you say your name was, son?"

"I'm Phineas! Phineas Flynn."

A beat.

Two beats.

Three.

"Well, that's the brightest smile I've seen all day, sunshine!" The Queen spanked Phineas' behind and roared with laughter, then pushed herself back up the stairs and retook her seat. Another maid, dressed identically to Callie, quickly moved the walker back to where it had initially been, back within reach at the Queen's side.

What in the world? Phineas stood frozen to the spot, not knowing how to react to what had just happened.

As soon as she was settled back into her seat, the Queen closed her eyes and took a deep breath, relaxing. Then she reopened them and looked at Phineas with renewed interest. Tilting her head, she said, "My, my! You certainly are a handsome one, aren't you? What did you say your name was, son?"

"Mother!" Cassie jumped to her feet. "This is Phineas, the boy I brought home!"

"The boy WE brought home!" The other five girls quickly shouted.

"Ooh, you brought a man home? Good girls!" The Queen showered her daughters with her granny-like smile. "Oh, that takes me back to when I was a young, beautiful maiden! Oh, the men just couldn't keep their hands off of me! Of course, I remember the first man I brought home after returning from my first planet subjugation, oh yes, now that was a handsome man! Say, Cassie, dear, when are you going to go on your first subjugation?"

"Mother, the Galactic Hub doesn't let us subjugate planets anymore, remember?" Cassie said patiently.

"Really? Well, back in my day, we didn't give a hoot about any of that lot's boisterous boasts. My mother would not have tolerated those pencil-pushing peabrains for a single parsec." The Queen turned and saw Phineas, now looking at him like it was her first time meeting him. "Oh, you certainly are a handsome one, aren't you? What did you say your name was, son?"

Phineas was utterly confused. "Okay, what is going on?" he asked Callie under his breath.

Letting loose a sad sigh, the maid offered, "The Queen's condition has been getting worse and worse lately. Her memory isn't nearly what it once was."

Phineas deadpanned. "You're being ruled by this old fogey with Alzheimer's?"

"I'm afraid so," Callie explained. "And if a new Queen is not crowned in time, our society could crumble."

"Callie, my ears aren't working as well as they used to, what are you saying?"

"Eh?" Callie turned red and bowed. "Apologies, your majesty!"

"Aren't you going to introduce me to this handsome young man? Oh, he really is quite the looker!" The Queen leaned forward and fixed a strand of her thinning white hair. "By chance, are you diabetic? Because I'll raise your blood sugar for you, baby!" She wagged her eyebrows at him while gyrating her shoulders suggestively.

"Blrgh!" Phineas had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from vomiting. "I think I might be sick…"

"Mother!"

The Queen chuckled and waved it off. "I kid, I kid! (But really, who is this man?)"

Cassie rushed over and grabbed hold of Phineas by the crook of his arm. "Mother, remember how you said that whichever of us brought home a man first got to marry him?"

"I did? Well, I think I remember saying something like that…"

"HEY!" The five other girls rushed forward, each of them grabbing at a part of Phineas as well. "We all brought him here together!"

"Yeah, Cassie, you're back to using dirty tricks again!"

"Mother, don't let Cassie take all the credit! We really all worked equally hard to bring him home with us!"

"Yeah, don't listen to Cassie!"

"Hey, don't all of you try so hard to make me sound like some trickster!"

"Ow, ow ow! You're all sort of crushing me, I can't breath!" Phineas gasped.

"Hmm," The Queen struck a thoughtful pose. "Yes, one of you will need to become Queen after me, and you are all at a marriageable age. But if it was a six-way tie, then who should get the husband?"

Phineas took advantage of the pause to interrupt. "Could we please not talk about me like it's already been decided that I'm going to marry someone here?"

"What are you talking about?" The Queen stated. "We haven't had a man visit our planet since I was their age. Naturally, you will be Yandaray's next King. The only question is, who will be its Queen?"

Phineas' jaw dropped. "But―but―but―" he but-butted.

The Queen clapped her hands together, as if she had come to a decision. "All right! This boy shall be wed to my oldest daughter, Andromeda!" she announced to the court.

Everyone shared a concerned glance. "But Mother," Cassie raised her voice, "you banished big sis Andromeda two years ago!"

"I did?"

"Yes! But if you want Phineas to go to the eldest, then I will be more than happy to―"

"What did I banish Andromeda for again?"

Everyone in the room fell flat on their backs, aside from the Queen and Phineas.

"So you're telling me that not only can you not step foot on that planet because you were banished by its Queen, but also that if I go down there, I'll be forced into marrying one of the princesses and become its new King?"

Andromeda nodded her head at Captain Jabberwock's satisfactory summary.

"Well that's not so bad, is it? After all, Yandarians are well known for being some of the prettiest women in all the galaxy. And just imagine how rich I would become if I were King of an entire planet!" He looked intrigued by the prospect.

"You would have nothing. Men have no rights or wealth on Yandaray―not even the King."

"Then what's the point of having a King?"

"The King's purpose is to provide offspring for the Queen. A single Yandarian Queen can lay millions of eggs, but there is one problem―they are all female. That is why there are no male Yandarians. But the species evolved to have great genetic adaptability, so the Queen is reproductively compatible with virtually any male life form. That is why Yandarians are so strong and beautiful; we have an extremely diverse genetic code, accumulated through many generations of conquering and acquiring the best parts of other species' DNA across the Milky Way."

"I get it, I get it. Look, you can stay here in orbit, but I'm going down there to get our bounty. If I don't get her those kids, the Shipper won't give me the amulet, and I'll be stuck with my 'condition' forever. So it's a risk I'll have to take. I'll be back in three Necturtian shakes."

With no more discussion to be had, Captain Jabberwock took the rental ship's spare pod and ejected, headed for the planet surface.

Once the ship's scanners indicated he had entered Yandaray's atmosphere, Andromeda lowered her head and whispered, "Please be careful."

"Mother, Andromeda isn't on Yandaray anymore, remember?"

"She isn't? Well, of course I remember! My memory is like a steel trap!"

"Riiiight. But as the second-eldest, I suppose that makes me next in line, so to speak―"

"No fair, Cassie!"

"You always use your age to get what you want!"

"Phineas would definitely be happiest with me!"

"Get a grip, Stella! With your cooking, you'd end up poisoning him! He should have a wife who is a good housekeeper, like me!"

"I think he'd actually prefer a tomboy who likes roughhousing and doing manly guy stuff with him!"

"Owowow, please stop pulling on me, everyone! I feel like I'm about to be ripped in half! Don't I get a say in this?"

"The boy has a point," The Queen said, putting an end to the fighting. "Well then, which of my daughters will you pick for your bride?"

Phineas gasped upon being released, allowing him to finally catch his breath. Rubbing his shoulders, he declared, "I already have a girlfriend! I told you all earlier, Isabella is who I want to be with!"

Phineas shuddered at the number of death glares now being sent his way from every angle.

The Queen rose to her feet. "How bold of you to refuse all of my daughters," she glowered, sending frightened shivers up Phineas' spine. "You must have quite the strong resolve if you can stand up to the Queen of Yandaray!" She paused and allowed a smug grin to cross her face. Wiping a tiny amount of drool off her face with her sleeve, she declared, "If that is your choice, I suppose there is only one way to settle this. Young man, by my decree, you will be marrying all six of my daughters, so that you can raise up all the more seed for my kingdom! You may hardly be able to stand in our planet's gravity, but you have shown that you possess tremendous strength of a different kind! Pass that strength on to my granddaughters, and make the proud Yandarian race a people who are feared throughout the galaxy once again!"

In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 7: What's The Harm In Having A Harem?

Preview

"All six of them? I can't marry six girls at once! That's gotta be illegal, right?"

"There are no laws forbidding polygamy on Yandaray."

"That's right! Whatever the Queen says goes!"

"Fufufu, Phineas dear, I can't wait until our loins unite!"

"I want you to give me lots of strong and beautiful daughters!"

"I already have the first million names picked for our children, Phineas!"

"M-m-million? Just how many children can Yandarians have?"

"Fufufufu!" x6

"There will be a lot of mouths to feed. I hope you are ready to work hard to provide for our families!"

"That is, when you aren't busy attending to your other Queens in their bedrooms!"

"Fufufu!" x6

"...AAAAAYYYYYIIIIIEEEEE! I GOTTA GET OFF THIS PLANEEEET! Isabella, saaave meeee!"

Next time on Lovetopia: We Who Are About To Wed Salute You!

Fan's Notes: Character Bios

Queen Lyra
Homeworld: Yandaray
Species: Yandarian (Note: Yandarians are always female)
Ht: 4'5"/1.35 m. Wt: 81 lbs./36.7 kg. Age: 43 Yandarian years/41.3 Earth years. Eye color: Black.
Queen of Yandaray and the Matriarch of all living Yandarians. Once highly feared and loved throughout the galaxy, Queen Lyra lived a life full of adventure and romance, until finally losing the battle of the Crab Nebula to an alliance of nearly 1,000 systems in the Galactic Hub, ending Yandarian expansionism. She now battles her greatest enemy, Alzheimer's Disease. Likes strong men and the smell of victory after battle.

Fan's Notes: Galactic Geography

Planet: Yandaray, Libra Formation
Period of Rotation: 27 hours
Distance from star: ~1 AU (93 million miles/150 million km)
Period of Revolution: 338.2 Yandarian days/380.5 Earth days
Surface gravity: 3.0 G's

Yandarians were an aggressive colonial society specializing in warfare until the Crab Nebula Treaty brought Yandarian colonization of the Milky Way to an end. This Amazonian, all-female society is split into three groups. First is the queen Yandarian, who stands as the matriarch of the whole species and governs absolutely. Sometimes, there are multiple queens, although this frequently leads to internal fighting between the queens, even when they are ruling from different worlds.

A queen can lay as many as 10 million eggs a year, which quickly hatch into the second and largest group, working class Yandarians. Though infertile, worker Yandarians develop quickly and are already highly skilled in both domestic and military affairs by their first birthday. Worker Yandarians are fiercely loyal to their queen, not hesitating to sacrifice their lives for the colony if necessary.

The princess class Yandarians account for the third group. When a queen passes on, all her working class daughters expire soon after, and the colony starts over with a princess class Yandarian becoming the new queen. It is she who assumes the task of repopulating the planet.