Author's Note: Thank you everyone for your patience as I work through some things. This chapter no doubt will be short but it will be focusing more on the interactions between Sakura and Kakashi as opposed to some of the previous chapters. I don't own Naruto, otherwise things would've turned out so different for so many of the characters but please enjoy my own version of events.
WARNING: DESCRIPTIONS OF TORTURE, HINTS AT RAPE, PTSD, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. RATED M FOR A REASON.
TRIGGER WARNING
Sakura stood, stilled in the doorway looking out on the street as she had been for hours. Patients and healthcare workers streamed in and out around her unmoving form, paying little attention to the inner war she waged with herself. It was the little things she was taking in just now. The simple freedom of being able to walk in and out of a door, the comfort of watching civilians live in complete obliviosity, the familiarity of the streets laid out beyond this clear glass door.
Why was it so hard to walk out that door? She knew, deep down, that she was afraid the fragile, beautiful image surrounding her would shatter into a million pieces. That despite months of mental strengthening and secretly whispering 'Kai', morning and night, it was all just a cruel lie. Or maybe that it was inevitably going to be taken from her once more.
A familiar presence appeared in front of her, a sad little half-smile evident in his single coal eye. "Today's the day, ey?" His head was cocked to the side slightly, giving him a boyish charm that Sakura had never fully appreciated until recent. It was one of the things she had come to appreciate about her former teammate.
Her bubblegum pink head bobbed in assent, but her feet never moved, and neither did his. She wasn't sure how long they stood together, watching the doors open and close, people flowing in and out like waves of an ever-churning ocean. She took a calming breath in, taking in the antiseptic smell that was tinted with hints of teakwood and something softer she couldn't quite place. Another thing to appreciate about Kakashi was his scent, apparently. It was subtle but comforting. Why hadn't she noticed it before now?
Her lips turned down, her gaze becoming less focused as her thoughts turned more inward and reflective. So caught was she in the trap of her mind, that when a warm hand pressed against the lower curve of her back, she flinched quite hard and immediately recoiled. Her gaze snapped to the man who was now at her side having moved her out of the way of a gurney carrying a bloodied body.
Her skin felt like it was on fire, radiating from her lower back through her entire body sending every nerve into a screaming frenzy. Her breathing turned irregular into little pants as she struggled to overcome the overwhelming urge to 'run, run, run!' that coursed through her body. Kakashi glanced in her direction, sensing her panic and immediately dropped his hand from the small of her back.
Kakashi's mouth dropped open, ready to apologize for his apparently unwelcome touch but she was on the move, a pace that was above a walk but less than a jog. He debated extensively inwardly if he should follow, or if he should let her be, but his concern inundated whatever logic there was in leaving her alone and he quickly bound after her, making sure to keep a reasonable distance between the two. He vaguely felt the presence of her two ANBU guards some ways away, likely giving her the illusion of privacy if nothing else. They wouldn't interfere, he knew.
And so he followed, as she weaved through back streets and byways with an ease that would have an alleycat jealous. Her movements, though frantic and impulsive, still retained the graceful tint of a seasoned kunoichi.
Where the hell is she even going?
Where the hell am I even going?
Vaguely, in the back of her mind, she knew she was being tailed by her ANBU guards, and Kakashi's comforting scent was still in her periphery. Suddenly, things just seemed too close and closing in fast. Every thud of her heart jumped into her throat, suffocating her. Her eyes widened, breathing coming out in strangled gasps. Despite the chill that ran up her spine, she could feel the beads of sweat forming at the back of her neck.
Objectively, she knew she was experiencing a panic attack and the clinical means for controlling them, but in this moment, all of her knowledge was meaningless. She knew she should control her breathing, count the seconds for her breaths, slow down and confront the feeling but running from it all just seemed like the best idea at the time.
As the streets turned more and more deserted, her pace began to pick up until she was in a dead sprint heading towards a thick patch of training ground forest. She didn't stop as she broke through the first line of trees, or when her foot slid forward unexpectedly upon running through a slick patch of muddied ground.
"Sakura, stop!" Kakashi's voice cut through her inner turmoil, and for half a second, her body hesitated before doubling its efforts to keep moving forward. Logic told her to stop. She really should because now her body was protesting for legitimate physical reasons and not just psychologically induced reasons.
"Sakura!"
A flash of silver appeared in her peripheral vision and then suddenly, he was in front of her, standing still while her momentum carried her forward uncontrollably. Kakashi braced for impact but at the last second, he saw her eyes widen and her body twisted around him before careening into a tree.
The bark snagged at her cloak and she ignored the small ache in her lower back from the impact. Had she been using chakra and been going much faster, the impact would have been more than just the annoyance it was now. Sakura allowed her body to slide down, her bottom resting on an exposed root.
"Sakura." He was in front of her now, ten feet away and squatting low, elbows on knees with his hands dangling uselessly between his legs. Sakura clenched her eyes closed, unwilling to let her emotions be betrayed by her emerald eyes.
"Sakura, look at me." Kakashi's voice was even and calm. He wasn't even out of breath. For a moment, Sakura was jealous of his lack of apparent exertion before schooling herself quickly. Of course he would be in better shape than her. It was to be expected. "Sakura…" His tone softened, barely audible over the hum of cicadas and chirping of birds.
The pinkette willed her breathing to slow and her body to stop trembling before coaxing her eyelids up to look into both of Kakashi's eyes. When had he even pulled his headband up? She'd always thought the crimson red Sharingan was the color of blood, but today it seemed like there were more dimensions amongst the colors. There were darkened gold streaks around the outer edge of his iris with russet flecks scattered throughout. It was odd, she never really noticed that before.
The cicadas hum rose to a crescendo before lulling momentarily. She blinked suddenly, drawing herself out from the lure of the Sharingan.
"I'm sorry." Again, his tone was so soft, she barely registered he was saying words. "I didn't mean to frighten you. I should have realized you wouldn't appreciate being touched." His hand reached up to run through his hair. A nervous habit that was so hard to break. The silence enveloped them. Kakashi didn't have the right words to tell her to make things better and Sakura just didn't have words.
He waited until her breathing leveled, and the random spikes of adrenaline fueled chakra died down before rising to his feet, taking a few steps back so he wasn't towering over her. "We should get you back to your new place though before it gets too dark and you can clean up."
Sakura was thankful that he had stepped away from her trembling form. Her body had reacted to his touch on pure survival instinct even if her logical side was telling her it was Kakashi, her mentor, her captain, her teammate, someone she innately trusted with her life. She hadn't cried, but she could feel the sting of salt in her waterline and cursed herself inwardly for her display of unbridled weakness. Her eyes drifted down to her clothes, slightly tattered and muddied from her wild sprint before letting out an exhausted sigh.
Emotions were draining, even a short outburst of them, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up on a futon and sleep, even with the prospect of facing some unpleasant memories. Without much ceremony, she stood on her shaky legs, unused to the limits of her current body and her knees nearly buckled with the strain. Kakashi flinched as he fought his natural response to collect her before she fell, but let her steady herself against a tree before joining him at his side for the short journey to the barracks.
The silence was… awkward, but Sakura wasn't going to be the one to break it, so Kakashi took on the burden of alleviating the tensions, or attempting. "I have some old clothes that you can borrow while you get those cleaned." His eyes drifting to her slightly hunched form as they neared their destination. Kakashi had never felt the need to pay substantially more for an apartment out of the shinobi district so he too resided in the jonin barracks. After all, he was infamous as a lazy cheapskate and moving was both tiresome and costly.
And now, his lodgings gave him another excuse to be close to the seemingly fragile kunoichi which he was still debating on whether this was a good idea or a selfish one. She had a way of making his heart beat harder and while he had a heavy reason to believe it was a heavy dose of guilt making his insides drop every time he saw her, but there was always the slim possibility he felt more.
Kakashi chastised himself. There were lines, clearly marked, drawn in bold, red characters and that was one of them.
Their yellow building loomed ahead, most of the lights were out in the building giving it a distinct deserted vibe and he could sense more tension building inside his kunoichi. "Ah, the boys are gonna be excited to see you again. It's been a while." Sakura nodded, though the movement was wasted on Kakashi as he was leading. "Bull retired. Shortly after you… well, were gone." Wow, Hatake, way to add to the tension. "Shiba and Uhei joined the Inuzuka Breeder Program, so they're rarely around. You'll notice a few new faces here for training."
He kept talking about the hounds as they wound up three flights of stairs, and down the long stretch of hall to his apartment. Under normal circumstances, he would've used 'shinobi highway' and walked up the wall to his little terrace, but he had no way of knowing if Sakura would be able to manipulate her chakra like that at this moment.
His hand rummaged around his green flak jacket, finally finding the little jagged silver key that had found its way in the bottom of the deep pocket. His eye crinkled in mock embarrassment as he turned his head slightly to his pink-haired companion as he unlocked the door. Behind the wood, soft thuds could be heard and he knew the ninken could sense Sakura's presence. He just hoped they would behave themselves for once.
Apparently, he didn't need to worry. As the door swung open, his eyes shot across the room. A majority of the ninken were lounging throughout the small apartment, all with the exception of Pakkun and Bull. The small brown pug had taken up residence on his kitchen counter and the massive bull mastiff had planted his large self firmly at the door, staring at him with unnervingly deep, black eyes. Of all his ninken, Bull had taken Sakura's death the worst for whatever reason, and Kakashi suspected it had something to do with his retirement.
"Yo, Boss-man." Pakkun greeted. "Boss-lady." He dipped his head at the two humans in greeting.
"Yo." Since when did he call Sakura, Boss-lady? Kakashi slipped around the larger dog's unmoving body, moving deeper into the apartment and leaving Sakura in the doorway. He wouldn't be long to gather the old clothes and escort her back down to her new place.
Sakura peered down at the solid mass of ninken curiously. Bull had always secretly been her favorite of all of Kakashi's partners. He looked up at her with an unspoken question gleaming in his eyes as he shuffled forward slightly, while still managing to stay seated. The pinkette's lips twitched upward as she silently answered his question. Slowly, her hand moved forward, turning so the palm faced outward to the ninken. Warm breath washed over the sensitive skin of her scarred palm before being replaced by a cold nose pushing into her palm, followed by his fur covered head.
That's how Kakashi found them when he emerged from his room. Heat spread through his chest unexpectedly catching the man off guard. What was that anyways? It felt… nice to see her slight half-smile, like she wasn't just the shadow of her old self. And then, she looked up at him. Her smile widened fractionally, all caught and memorized by his Sharingan eye. There was that heat again, budding inside his chest, overwhelming his senses.
He opened his mouth to say something clever, but the words never manifested. He blinked stupidly at her before trying to regain his composure. "Um, let's get you to your place. I'm sure you're wanting to get settled in." The smile dimmed ever so slightly, but it was still there, and it was directed at him and she nodded her assent.
She turned away, giving him a view of her backside as she glided towards the stairway. Her apartment was a floor below his, which was fortunate for him. Not for any perverse reason, but it did mean it would satisfy that itch inside himself to be close enough to keep an eye on the woman. He followed her absently, noting with mild surprise that Bull had followed at her heels like a hulking shadow. Interesting…
214. Kakashi made a mental note of her room number, not that he didn't have other ways of identifying her space, but it was always nice information to have stored away. He paused several lengths behind her, careful not to crowd her space, as she pulled out her issued bronze key and opened the apartment.
The air that seeped into the hallways smelled extremely stale to his sensitive nose, but he said nothing as the kunoichi strode into her new apartment, immediately moving to the windows to air the place out. He was grateful for that, not that he intended to stay for long.
When she turned towards him, and consequently Bull, her face was carefully arranged in a blank mask. "Ah, I'll just leave these with you." He shifted the bundle of clothes in his arms before settling them on the kitchen counter. It was a standard jonin studio apartment, designed for the 'unattached' shinobi. "We'll let you get settled in. You know where to find me if you need me." He gave a light-hearted crinkly-eyed smile, though inwardly he was reluctant to just leave her side.
"Come on Bull." He called as he turned and began walking to the exit only to pause at the lack of his canine companion at his side. Peering back over his shoulder he observed with veiled contentment that the large ninken had taken residence at Sakura's side, unwilling to budge from his new post. "Hm."
Sakura glanced down at the mastiff before raising her emerald gaze to Kakashi's thoughtful gaze. Her mouth fell open, and if it wasn't for her trepidation of speaking, she might have said something but instead she allowed her lips to move, trusting Kakashi to read her lips. 'He can stay.'
She had caught him off guard, she knew, because his form was so still one might have thought he was caught in a Nara jutsu and he blinked confusedly before quickly recovering with another eye-smile. "Of course. Good night, Sakura-chan."
A small plume of smoke was all that signified his retreat.
Author's Note:
Some housekeeping and general information pieces:
- In my mind, Kakashi is a tormented guy. He lets guilt and duty guide him and in this fiction, his guilt is driving him closer to Sakura but it won't always be that way. This is supposed to be a story of growth and not just for Sakura.
- As for Sakura's relationships with others besides Kakashi, I do want to mention that in my world, Sakura chose a different path than her friends. ANBU is an isolated and dangerous path, whereas her friends chose the family lifestyle adopted by so many in canon. I personally hated that everyone turned out so… domesticated and just plain boring. Like come on, how predictable for Sakura and Sasuke to end up together and how pathetic is their relationship? *gags* Anyways, being partners in ANBU, Sakura and Kakashi are naturally closer than many of her childhood friends.