VII
The Next Day
Kara knew that she couldn't simply lie here in this big, comfortable bed-the bed that she and Laura would share-drowning her sorrows. She was alive, and off that hellish planet. Her wife and daughter were here, along with people that would lay down their lives for all three of them if it came to that.
Yet despite the joy of being reunited with her new wife and her daughter, Kara's mind rebelled against the comfort, her subconscious harking back to the hell that had been that prison. Kara Thrace had always been the type of person allowed her demons to get the better of her, at the worst times, but she knew she couldn't afford that. She was married, and had a daughter to take care of, and she would also be expected to get back in a Viper and take out Cylon Raiders when they visited.
The only problem was that she had no idea how to simply put it behind her. She had been raped, sodomized, forced to perform oral sex on more than one person. It had been a terrifying, humiliating experience. How do you get over that?
She wasn't sure.
She knew she had to try, and her first step was seeing the two people who were as close to family as she had, before Kacey and Laura had become her family. Right at the moment, she didn't want to see anyone other than Bill and Lee Adama. The rest of her friends and colleagues would have to wait for her to get her bearings. She and Laura still needed to sit down for a long, quiet, private talk.
Kara was still weak from her ordeal, but she was getting real, decent food now, and clean, fresh water. She still hurt from her bruises and cuts, but she had felt far worse. When the two Adama's arrived, she was sitting at a table set up for the Roslin family. The two men smiled warmly at Starbuck, their faces obviously relieved that she was doing better.
Without a word, she stood up and made a beeline for the Admiral, neither one saying a word, simply wrapping each other in a consoling hug, Bill in his own way letting Kara know that her ordeal was over.
Laura and Lee both teared up watching the silent exchange. It was an affirmation of the bond that the elder Adama and Kara had shared. They had gone through some rough patches in their personal relationship, but since she had dated Zak, Bill Adama had thought of her as his daughter. Now his daughter had come back from a terrifying ordeal, and with a daughter of her own. That wasn't lost on Bill.
After five minutes at least, Kara broke the embrace, smoothing out his uniform, then wiping at your eyes. "I hope you got the gun and brought the cat in while I was gone."
Bill let out a jolly laugh, that broke the tension in the room, all four of them laughing, the Admiral giving her another sweet hug.
"An Admiral takes care of the little details, Starbuck", he said in turn. He kissed her lightly on the cheek. "It's so good to see you again, Kara. I've missed you. Oh, and congratulations on becoming a bride and a mother."
"Thank you, sir", Kara said with a blush. "See what happens when you let me out of your sight. I go off the reservation."
Bill chuckled a little more. "Well, it looks like you done good. Your daughter is beautiful, and your wife isn't too bad looking, either."
"Hey", Kara said, lightly thumping the Admiral on the chest, "no flirting with my woman, got it?" She laughed as she looked over at Laura, who simply rolled her eyes.
She hadn't really noticed Lee in the room, even though she knew he was there, so immediate had been her desire to embrace the Admiral. She looked over at her sometimes friend/sometimes enemy/a few times lover, and gave him a tender, but fierce hug, again not saying any words for a long moment.
"It's good to have you back, Starbuck", Lee said with a shaky voice. "I can't believe I said that." He felt Kara shake with a laugh while still in the hug.
"I've missed you, too, Lee.", Kara said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "But I hear you trashed a Battlestar."
Lee laughed while his face turned red. "Yeah, uh, well, sometimes in the line of duty, you know, you have to make those split-second decisions." Kara laughed right into another hug.
When she calmed down, she became a little more serious. "I hear you were the hero of the day? I'm proud of you."
Lee didn't know what to say to that. So her turned to comforting his friend. "I'm so happy you and Laura found each other, Kara, and that you have this...absolutely gorgeous little girl, but...I am so sorry you lost Sam as well."
Again, Starbuck's demeanor broke. "I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, Lee. I was in that frakin' prison then as well." She righted herself quickly. "He didn't die in vain, I'm convinced of it. And, fortunately, I found my saving Grace down there as well." Starbuck grabbed Laura's hand as the redhead moved in beside her, Lee smiling at both of them.
For the next hour, they chatted, trying to keep their mind off the last eighteen months, but realizing that was impossible. Kara did bring up a subject neither Adama wanted to approach at the time.
"So I assume there's a CAG position waiting for me if I want it?"
Lee turned to his dad, passing the cubit to the Admiral. "That's the key part-if you want it, Starbuck. We're in no hurry right now. What's more important is getting you healthy in every way possible, and figuring out what's best for you, your wife and your daughter. I have to tell you", he added, "that Hot Dog, Kat, and Racetrack really grew up in these eighteen months, and they were beyond outstanding in planning the rescue."
"They planned it?"
"They did", Lee affirmed. "It was bold, risky, and somewhat complicated, but they made it work.
"I'm gonna have to talk to them sooner or later", Kara mused out loud.
"When you're ready, honey", Laura said helpfully. "Let's take it a day at a time right now."
"Yes, Madam President", Kara said with a cherubic smile and wink at her wife, making Laura roll her eyes again.
"I will need some time to sort through everything that has happened, guys", she said honestly. "I'm still trying to come to terms that the nightmare we all went through is over. I ask that all of you just be a little patient with me?"
"We can do that", Bill said, clasping her hand gently, and kissing the back of her hand.
I'm gonna get through this, Kara thought to herself, although still unsure of how long it might take.
That night, Laura was able to get the Chief and Cally to watch Kacey for the night. Kara hated to send her away, even for one evening, but she and her wife needed time to talk, reconnect, and take stock of where everything was at.
They had eating a nice meal with Kacey before she left, so the young girl was in a good mood when she was taken over to the Chief's quarters. That left the two woman along for the first time in over a month.
There was tension in the air, both not knowing, at first, what to really say. Kara was still healing, so this wasn't about making love to Kara, but to gauge Kara's mental state. Kara was well aware of that.
Laura, being the older of the two, knew she had to take the lead.
"To begin with, honey, I'm so glad-beyond glad-that I've got you back, and you're home safe." Laura held her wife's hand gently, simply wanting to reassure her younger spouse. "That entire month...I can't imagine what you went through, but if and when you're ready, I hope you'll open up to me about it."
Kara had trouble meeting Laura's eyes at first. She felt humiliated in what she would tell her wife. But she wouldn't make the mistake of clamming up again. That only took her to a bad place, and she knew it.
"Laura, I'm ready to tell you now, to be honest." She kissed Laura's hand. "But it isn't going to be easy. In fact, this is going to be the worst conversation I've ever had."
"I get it, baby", Laura said, trying not to sound condescending. "Again, I don't want to rush you."
"You aren't, Laura. Trust me. If I've learned anything from being on New Caprica, it's that life is too short to bottle everything us. That only frak's me up in so many ways. I need to let you in-it's the one way to keep me sane." She looked down for a moment. "But can I begin with a question for you?"
Laura nodded. "You can begin however makes you comfortable, Starbuck."
Kara took a deep breath, wondering how Laura would receive what she was about to say. "Do you think...do you think you and I rushed into getting married? By that, I don't mean", she added hastily, seeing the look on Laura's face, "that I don't love you to pieces-I do. I know that. But everything happened so fast-from us becoming so close, to making love for the first time, followed right after that by the Epidemic, and the Cylons taking me away. I don't want to be unfair to you, or to me. Do you think...do you think we were ready for this?"
Laura hadn't really thought about how quickly they had fallen into this. When you live a life that could end at any moment, especially during a war, you didn't want to wait for happiness to settle in-you took it and grabbed it with everything you have. That's what she and Kara had done.
"Do you believe we rushed into this, Kara?"
Kara shrugged. "I don't know, Laura. As I said, things happened so godsdamned fast! I know I had been falling for you over the last few months, I knew that. But we hadn't lived with each other, and really don't know what makes the other tick. I know I love you, very much, and I want to be with you, but I'm wondering how this will affect us, long-term."
Laura kept her composure, wondering if Kara was trying to back out of their marriage on New Caprica. Part of her understood it completely. But another part loved this younger woman like no one before in her life. He rebel spirit, her passion, her bravery-all of it awed Laura Roslin.
"I love you, too, Kara, of that I have no doubt. You're the most fascinating, incredible person I've ever known. You're bright sunshine, and a hurricane, all wrapped in one package, and it's breathtaking to be with you. Are you saying you want us to back off and slow down?"
"I don't know, Laura", she said with some desperation. "I'm still afraid...you'll find that I'm simply not in your league." She gave a bitter laugh while saying that. "Also, I'm having trouble coming to terms with..." He demeanor cracked at that point. "I'm having trouble coming to terms with what happened to me in that place, and if I will be able to love you, after what they did to me."
Laura's blood turned to ice hearing the fear in Kara's voice. Laura had never seen Kara fear anything, as long as she had known her. But her young wife had an almost crazed look in her eyes, thinking back on her time as a prisoner.
Laura took Kara's hand, and led her onto the bed, simply so she could be closer to the blonde. "Tell me, Kara. Tell me what they did to you? Don't bottle it up."
"I don't...gods, I'm afraid you'll hate me."
"Hate you? For what?" Laura gently grabbed Kara's shoulders, turning her so they were facing each other. "Hate you because they violated you? They took advantage of you? I could never hate you for that. Please tell me, Kara. Right now, I'm your wife, and I have a need to know what they put you through."
Kara again took a shaky breath, and for the next twenty minutes she told Laura all of it: being forced into oral sex by both a Sharon and Leoben; the anal and vaginal rape, including fingers being violently inserted; the beating with a piece of wood; being punched, in the face, in the stomach, and the pain that came with it. How she tried to take her mind somewhere else during the assaults.
Doctor Cottle had told Laura that Kara had been sexually assaulted, and had told her of the bruising and lacerations in her rectum and vagina, but even so, what Kara told her almost made her become physically ill.
Kara was sobbing by the time she finished, shaking at the mere thought of the torture she had undergone. She wouldn't wish what happened to her upon her worst enemy. She knew that what she had endured couldn't help but negatively affect her.
"What I'm worried about, Laura", Kara said, as she began to calm, "is that when...when you go to make love to me...that I'll shy away, and not let you touch me. That's part of the reason I wondered if we rushed into things. I'm frightened of how it will affect me when I'm with you."
Laura's heart felt like it was dissolving into nothing, the pain of Kara's words physically affecting her. She brought Kara to her chest in a protective, comforting embrace. "Listen to me, Kara", she said, while rocking the younger woman, "we will get through this together. I am not going to let you go through your recovery alone. I will let you set the pace as to when, and how, we have sex again. I won't rush you. You can lean on me through this, Kara."
She broke the embrace, kissing Kara on the forehead, then looking into her eyes. "And for the record, I know I'm certain that I want you to be my wife. Yes", she said, with a small smirk, "our courtship was a little brief." That made Kara laugh a little. "But I've never felt for anyone in my heart, what I feel for you, Kara Roslin."
The use of her married name made Starbuck's eyes widen. The tenderness, the sincerity-the love-that was evident in Laura's eyes, took her breath away. Without another word, Kara brought Laura into a deep, desperate kiss, their lips coming together for the first time in what seemed an eternity, Kara not wanting to have it end. They embraced each other tightly as the kiss went on and on, two damaged people, trying to heal that which they had endured.
It went on for over a half hour, just the two of them kissing, hugging, and crying. They finally had to break it, just to calm down.
"I love you, Laura", Kara said with tears streaking down her cheeks. "I really do. I just need you...to be patient with me. I want to have sex with you, but I think, before that, I should see a psychiatrist, just to get my bearings."
"I won't rush you, baby", Laura repeated. "I'm with you every step of the way. I know Doc Cottle is aware of a few professional psychiatrists in The Fleet. We can get his recommendation."
"How do we go about breaking the news to The Fleet?" It felt like a strange question after the emotional outbursts they had just shared. "I mean, you're President again, and sooner or later, I'm gonna be CAG. The optics of that will be...strange."
"Do you want to tell The Fleet now? Or do you want to keep it under wraps while you try to deal with the aftermath of your imprisonment?"
"What do you think?" Kara laughed when she finished. "I used to be so sure about so many things, Laura, but not right now."
"Honey, I can give you advice, but I'll let you set the pace."
Kara thought for a minute, Laura still holding her tight. "I think we should tell everyone as soon as we can. I also think we should let The Fleet know what happened to me, and to others who were in that prison. I think it will help in the healing process for everyone."
Laura beamed at her bride. She had felt, for quite a while, that Kara Thrace was perhaps the most fearless, and bravest individual she had ever known. The dirty work, for lack of a better word, that she had done for Laura during her first term as President, was proof positive of that. Now, she was so proud of Kara Roslin, her wife. She almost burst at the feeling of love that coursed through her.
"Then that's what we'll do." Laura kissed her sweetly this time. "I'm so proud of you, Kara. I'm proud of how courageous you are, and proud that I'm married to you."
"I guess that answers the question about staying married", Kara said with a sudden sense of humor, making Laura laugh delightedly. Another beautiful kiss ensued.
"I have no doubt that I want you as my wife, Kara Roslin. You aren't alone, baby. You were never alone. I love you."
"My love for you got me through the worst of it, Laura. Thinking of you and Kacey kept me sane in there. Thank you."
"Since Kacey is spending the night with the Tyrol's, why don't you and I sleep together tonight? No sex", she added, regretting the need to do that. "Just holding each other and falling asleep in each others' arms?"
The tears evaporated that moment for Kara. She looked strong and confidently at her wife, cupping her cheeks with her hands. "I can't think of anything else in the world I'd rather do right now, than fall asleep with you, my sweet wife.
They kissed a little longer, then made ready for bed. The cuddling was sweet and gentle, and before long, both women were sound asleep in each others' embrace.