Renesmee
"Two souls are sometimes created together and in love before they're even born." – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Jake leads me back the hallway but pauses to move what look like sheets over to the dryer. Our next stop is Sam and Emily's bedroom.
The bed is barren, but I can see – and smell – the remnants of a large blood stain. It's extremely light pink now, and to a normal human it's likely undetectable. In the attached bathroom I see the tub tinged pink as well.
"I had to clean it up. I didn't want anyone else to see it," he explains, studying my face.
"It was this bad?" I brush his knuckles with my fingertips again, wishing I could see what he'd seen. The intimacy of this moment, the fact that we're alone for the first time in hours, the way he's studying me, makes my heart pump faster. He nods. "Well, then, I think we could use some hot chocolate."
I curl up on the couch, blanket wrapped around my shoulders and mug in hand. Jake sits next to me, and we are quiet. I study him in the light of the Christmas tree. He'd been so brave today. He would have no issue running both packs. I thought about mentioning it to him now but decide against it. "If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?" I ask, keeping my voice low as I tuck my feet under me.
"Here," he responds, turning his head to look at me. I want to ask him what he means, but there's a look in his eyes that's intense enough to make me afraid of his answer. "What about you?"
I'm not sure how long we sit on the couch, wrapped in conversation – favorite childhood memory, favorite color, least favorite Christmas movie. Eventually, we return to the topic of Sam, Emily, and the baby.
"Do you know what they're going to name it?"
"Not officially, no. Sam won't even consider the possibility it could be a girl. He thought about boy names once on patrol, though. His great-grandfather's name was Levi; he likes that one." He starts chuckling, and continues, "Emily's grandfather's name was Arapoosh. I think that means stomachache," he says through his laughter, and I start to giggle as the meaning sinks in. Soon we are doubled over, tears streaming, laughing so hard that no sounds are coming out. It felt good to laugh like this after a day like today.
A throat clears, and I see Leah standing at the base of the stairs. "Shit, sorry. Did we wake you up?" Jake asks, trying to reign in his belly laughs.
She shakes her head. "I'm going to relieve Embry."
Jake glances to the clock. "Three thirty? Jeez. Alright, thanks, Leah." After she is through the door, Jake stands. "I should run you home."
"I want to stay."
He shakes his head. "Nessie, tomorrow – er, today – is Christmas. You need to be with your family."
"You are my family, Jake. These people are my family, too," I say, rising to my feet. My words must have caught him off guard, because he doesn't respond. "I can make my own decisions. I'm staying." I cross my arms, cementing my place in front of him. I watch him run through scenarios in his head of protesting. By the time Embry walks through the door, Jake has exhausted them all and sighs in defeat.
"Interrupting something?" Embry asks, biting back what feels like sarcasm.
"No," I say to the both of them, letting Jake know the conversation is over. Embry grabs a muffin on his way upstairs.
Jake checks his phone and sighs with relief. "Jared texted. Emily should be coming home tomorrow. It's only a partial placental abruption. She and the baby should be fine, but she's going to be on strict bedrest until the baby comes."
"That's great news," I say. Jake heads outside to let Leah know, and I go to find something of Emily's to sleep in. By the time he returns I am changed.
He points down the hall. "There's one more bed down there on the left." Somehow it was unspoken that no one would be sleeping in Sam and Emily's bed.
"We can share if you want," I suggest, both terrified and excited that he might agree. We'd shared a bed before, but I was drunk that night and didn't remember most of it. And this time, for some reason, this felt much more significant.
He chews on his lip briefly before shaking his head. "I don't think that would be a good idea." My heart falls, and as I pad down the hall, I try to will my tears away. There are plenty of rational explanations for his refusal, but I don't want to entertain any of those.
I barely sleep, my mind racing. As soon as the sun starts to ascend over the horizon, my feet are on the floor. There's no sense in fighting it. By the time Quil shows up, I've already made Sam and Emily's bed with the sheets from the dryer and cleaned the tub of the remaining blood remnants. I hand Quil a leftover muffin.
"I think Leah's been on post since three thirty. Can you go tell her to come in?" I ask Quil. I'm not even sure if it's my place to ask this of him, but I feel bad for Leah. It's snowing.
His mouth is full of muffin, but he nods and heads outside.
Quil returns, and a few moments later, Leah skulks in through the door and goes upstairs, wordless. "She's so cheery in the mornings," he comments, pulling out a chair at the table. I chuckle, nodding in agreement.
Breakfast is nearly ready by the time Jake stirs on the couch. "Merry Christmas, sleepy head," I call from the stovetop.
"Is that bacon?" he asks, standing. He is still shirtless after his slumber, and his muscles ripple as he stretches his arms over his head.
"And eggs, and pancakes," I say, placing the plates on the table for no other reason than to have something to do besides stare at Jake.
Jake comes over to me – still shirtless – and leans close to me. I can smell him; musk, pine, and cinnamon fill my nose. I take a deep slow breath, staring up at him with wide eyes as he reaches behind me to grab a pancake, breaking into a goofy smile.
I feel Quil watching our interaction and think I see him snickering out of the corner of my eye. I push Jake away gently as I hear someone start to come down the stairs. I'm sure my face is beet red. I didn't need more witnesses to my torture. Embry rounds the corner, followed by Seth and Katie.
Seth and Katie grab a quick bite to eat before heading out. They have a flight to Montana later today to see her family. Eventually, after breakfast, Jake finally decides to put on a shirt. Thank God.
The rest of the morning is spent in anticipation of Sam and Emily's return. I move around the house at superhuman speed, unable to stay still. Jared, Kim, Paul, and Rachel return around noon, and they join in the waiting as well, filling us in on last night. When I finally hear tires crunch snow in the early afternoon, I am at Jake's side in an instant.
I watch through the glass door as Sam runs around the car to open Emily's door and scoops her up. In true Emily fashion, she tries to protest before ultimately melting into his chest. I see her smile up at him, hand cradling her swollen stomach. It is a relief to me to see her still pregnant.
Jared slides the door open as Sam approaches. Sam nods in thanks before carrying Emily back to the bedroom. I perch on the side of the couch next to Jake. Leah comes downstairs, likely hearing the commotion.
When Sam returns down the hall it's as if the room lets out a collective breath. Sam clears his throat. "Thank you all. We appreciate this." There is a silent message passed as Sam looks at Jake. Jake nods curtly, and Sam continues. "You are welcome to stay, but you can go if you please."
As everyone relaxes around the room, I approach Sam. "There's leftovers in the fridge. You guys should be okay for a few days."
His usually harsh eyes are softer, and his face holds more wrinkles than the last time I'd seen him. "Thank you, Renesmee."
I acknowledge him with a tiny closed-lip smile and shrug. I turn away as he goes back down the hall to the bedroom, and see Paul and Rachel heading to their car. Jake is standing by the door, waiting for me, and I know he won't let me delay my departure again.
As I start to head toward the door, I hear Sam ask Emily, "What can I do for you right now?" I grab my jacket from the back of the chair and observe Jared and Kim in the kitchen. Kim's back is against the counter, and Jared's arms are on either side of her. He's whispering something in her ear, and she has her head thrown back in laughter.
I can't do this anymore.
I look back to the door, but Jake is already outside, heading to the truck. "Jacob!" I yell for him, sliding open the door and trying to slip on my jacket and shoes at the same time.
He pauses and turns, worried that something is wrong by the use of his full name. "What?"
"Do you love me?" I yell. I balance on one foot as I shove my heel into my boot. I skip a stair as I bounce off the porch toward him.
"What? Of course I love you, Ness. You know that." He looks confused. Over Jake's shoulder I see Rachel and Paul watching us, car doors open as if they were about to get in but thought better of it. I'm sure by now everyone else in the house has found a vantage point to watch me make a fool of myself, as well.
"No, I mean –" I struggle for words. I am breathless as I continue crossing the clearing. "Do you love me like Sam loves Emily?" I gesture back to the house wildly. His eyes grow wide. "At Seth's wedding you said the wolf wants to move heaven and earth for their imprint. That feelings could change. That it was up to me." My voice breaks as I point to myself.
I have pressed down these feelings for so long that there is no room for anything else. I know after this conversation Jacob and I will never be the same again, but I don't care anymore. I can't. "I have to know," I continue even though tears well in my eyes, "do you love me the way Sam loves Emily? Do you love me like Jared loves Kim, and Seth loves Katie, and Paul loves Rachel? Do you love me like that?" My hands fall limp at my sides, out of fight and out of words.
I watch the confusion fade from Jake's face. He knows how I feel, what I am asking. He stays silent. The longer we stand, the longer he does nothing besides stare at me, the more doubt fills my mind. I'd just ruined our friendship.
"Do you want me to?" he asks. What kind of question was that? He may as well have asked, Was I supposed to? My heart crumbles.
I have no energy to pretend I don't. A hot tear falls from the corner of my eye as I nod, whispering, "Yes." I am afraid that if I speak any louder, I will break apart.
In three long strides, he closes the distance between us, and grabs my face between his hands. My breath catches in my throat. The way he's looking at me now, he's looked at me this way before. Seth's wedding, and the night he told me Emily was pregnant. Waking up to him the morning after the bonfire. Yesterday in his house. Yesterday at dinner. Last night when I asked him where he wanted to be. So many memories come flooding back to me all at once, of him, looking at me in exactly this same way. My heart thumps hard in my chest. I know he can hear it.
He rests his forehead on mine, eyes closed. "Ness…" he trails off, and then words fail us both as he finally brings his lips to mine.