Chapter 7:
When You're Angry Eat Something Sweet. Or Maybe Don't.
Hijikata had done something stupid.
More than just 'something', actually, and it had all happened the day before. Not only had he he let a lunatic and unhinged nutty-job like Katsura escape, but he had also- as if things weren't bad enough already- let a lunatic, unhinged and nutty-job like the permhead do whatever he had wanted.
And, alright, out with the whole truth, maybe it wasn't the idiot's fault, not completely. Because if Hijikata had really wanted to, he could have just socked him in the face and be done with whatever that was before it had even started.
But the thing was... he had done nothing to stop him.
Why had he done nothing?
He did not have an explanation for it, as such had simply been the circumstances, or so he told himself. First of all, as the Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi he had a duty to carry out, the moron had seemed to be injured, so he did his job and, well, tried to keep him safe, and there was that. But even so, things had escalated from this to that almost without warning, and somehow Katsura walking in had distinctly felt like they'd been caught red-handed even if nothing had really happened... (could that be really called nothing?)
Shit. He really did not want to think about this, it only aggravated him because from every angle he looked it from the situation only appeared frustrating. He had just let the idiot maneuver him however he pleased, and instead of fighting back he'd ended up giving in.
And in the end he... he... the jerk's hand had been right there and- something in him had almost desperately abhorred the idea of losing contact... and he... that kind of touch...
"Fuck!" He yowled, slamming his fists down on his desk. He felt undoubtedly angry, for more than one reason.
There was a hasty knock on his half opened door and a tuft of dark hair could be seen poking in through the small opening. "Fukucho, is everything alright?" Yamazaki worded the question nervously, obviously afraid that the Vice-Chief would take his anger out on him, follow him around the barracks and threaten him to commit seppuku.
Hijikata ignored him, shouting orders already. "Yamazaki! Bring me the biggest bottle of Mayonnaise you find, and bring Sougo here! We have work to do!" He craved the safe haven the side-dish was, as it always managed to calm him down no matter what the situation.
"Yes sir!" Saluted Yamazaki, sprinting out the room almost frighteningly fast to carry out the orders.
.
.
.
Once Hijikata had his stomach half full and his palate felt heavenly from the taste of the deliciousness that was mayonnaise, he had to admit he felt slightly better... but he was still in a bad mood.
"Ne, Hijikata-San, if you keep feeding yourself such poison you're eventually going to get sick and die. Or do you want me to help speed up the process?" Sougo joked -(no, not exactly)- as he breached the comfort that was Hijikata's room and witnessed his Vice-Commander slurping down what he called 'food'. If Sougo were anyone other than Sougo he might have gagged (he did in his mind).
A bazooka already snugly fitting on his shoulder, the boy was looking in the viewfinder as he released without any warning whatsoever a projectile that zinged right where Hijikata's head had been a second before.
"...Tch, next time I'll do better." The boy promised to himself in a grumble as he put away his favourite weapon.
"What was that?" Hijikata mustered all the calm he had in that moment and more, not having energy to waste with such a brat.
"It was just a joke, Hijikata-San. You have been scaring all the new recruits today, and Zaki too, so I tried to lighten up the mood." Sougo replied as normally as ever in that monotone of his.
"A JOKE MY ASS! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME! IF YOU TRY THAT AGAIN IT'S SEPPUKU FOR YOU AND I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT!"
...In his defense, Hijikata might have more pent up energy and frustration stored inside himself than he would like to acknowledge, which made Sougo's actions that much more irritating today. He was usually capable of keeping his feelings and thoughts pretty well-concealed, but if even Sougo had seen through him (this quickly), then it meant this was bad. With a quiet scoff, he went ahead and lit himself a cigarette, practically crunching the stick between his teeth, the need for a smoke was more intense than ever today.
"Move already, let's get going. You're not paid to stay still." He muttered as he walked out of his room, feeling distant and lost in his thoughts already.
Without another word, Sougo followed right after him and they set on their rounds for the day.
Things were fairly calm, people's chatter whilst attending to their daily business being the only noise around the two as they patrolled. Hijikata had fallen silent and Sougo didn't mind keeping to himself either.
This was the span of time where he started thinking again. More specifically, thinking about certain events from the previous day. Again. The Shinsengumi had been tipped off about decidedly illegal affairs happening between certain elite amantos and government representatives, so of course they had had to intervene.
But never would he have thought about not only Katsura being there, but also the Yorozuya. How had they caught wind of it too? Hijikata was certain Kondo might have touched upon the subject, but he couldn't really remember now (it might have involved something stupid, no doubt). From what he could tell though, his Commander had been overall alright with letting Katsura go, something about a meeting the two of them had had that Hijikata had not been able to pay much attention to, because he had had other... things occupying his mind.
It was a sour mouthful to feed to his pride. He had understood that Katsura had, somehow, someway, managed to... help them. But it did not mean this fact had to sit well with him. Although this still was not the reason of the bad mood he found himself in. After the, let's call it 'encounter', he had with the Yorozuya leader, Hijikata had not been able to focus on anything else. Last night he wasn't even able to sleep! He just couldn't wrap his mind around the curly-haired, loud-mouth moron's actions, didn't understand the meaningbehind them. And it wasn't even all about yesterday.
For some time now he had felt a subtle shift between them, how almost a week ago things had started changing (a/n: reference to chapter 1). And he didn't know how to feel about it. Since the whole witnessing affair he had not been able to keep his mind off of it. The idiot could have said anything, absolutely anything he wanted, but he chose to defend Hijikata's actions... and in turn Hijikata had shown concern for him, like a bigger moron. what. the. heck.
He didn't know why, but now, even unconsciously doing something that could affect to Gintoki to a negative extent, ended up affecting him... negatively too. Maybe, just maybe, it was because their 'I'm-gonna-make-you-regret-you-were-ever-born' actions (usually stemming from something utterly stupid) were always concious, and of course there is to say that the perm head was almost always the first to pick a fight with him.
But now, even the briefest of contacts shared between them sent shivers racing down his spine.
The experience at Cafè too, that had made everything, well, that much worse. They weren't obliged to stay in each other's presence, but they had chosen to and, again, Hijikata had not pulled away, had not even wanted to pull away. He had fallen back in the warmth of the contact instead. That never happened, not in his line of work, not with idiots lurking around and trying to screw up his life- no. But with Gintoki... he let himself relax, felt at ease almost, and as much as he kept questioning himself he couldn't find a rational explanation.
And of course yesterday had been the worst, too, because he could still feel the whisper of strong arms and hard muscle surrounding him, had not wanted for it to end- pushing him to push himself in doing something utterly stupid when Katsura had 'busted' them. Maybe he had simply wanted the idiot to feel what he felt whenever they ended up parting ways (at least in this strange week) and in a-spur-of-the-moment-decision he had prolonged the contact, drawing a line with his finger down Gintoki's hand, this way hoping he wouldn't be the only one left feeling awkward. There is also to say, until then they'd always had a sort of goodbye thing between them, like a 'see you later' gesture, and as much as Hijikata hated himself for it now, he really had wanted to make sure the idiot knew because in most cases a goodbye is sooner or later followed with a hello. And Hijikata had wanted to see him again... . Damn. Why was this so complicated? The strange thoughts brought an uneasy feeling in his stomach.
Sougo, thankfully, chose this moment to break the silence. "So, is everything ready for tomorrow?"
Right. Focus. They had an incursion tomorrow. The Shinsengumi had been spending two weeks getting ready for it, as it was not expected to exactly be a walk in the park. A while ago there had been an accident, involving a few dangerous amanto who had established an alliance and the word spreading was that they planned to create a weapon that would no doubt have catastrophic effects. The first trade was supposed to take place tomorrow, somewhere incospicuous, so in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town away from everyone and everything. The thing about this new, experimental weapon was its nonconventional nature, instead of firing bullets it could incapacitate the individual it hit in another way, by taking control of their mind through the advanced technology the aliens possesed. And if something went wrong, whoever was on the other side of the warfare was, well, to put it simply, utterly and royally screwed.
Unfortunately, with this technology being experimental and everything, they had yet to even come up with a cure to counteract its effects. Fortunately, it wasn't easy to come up with such precise technology on such short notice as the Shinsengumi had caught wind of this while it was still in the starting process, and even if the mind-control aspect would already work, it could never be on as big a scale as Oedo was, the best they could do with the weapon was, at best, maybe 'hypnotize' ten people at a time.
Of course it was still dangerous, because if someone of the higher ups was caught in the crossfire, the amount of trouble they'd all be in would give a headache to even the most moronic idiot out there. Or if they somehow found a way to amplify the effects before they could stop them, not only the nation, but the whole world might be endangered under the control of those cruel freaks. The ideal choice of action would be to take custody of the cursed weapon, but if the worst comes to the worst then destroying it would be the surefire way to go.
"Things are proceeding, for now. We'll discuss details and wrap things up in the evening. Don't underestimate this, kid." There was a slight reprimanding (concerned) note somewhere in there, because Hijikata was still the first to get aggravated (again, concerned) by Sougo's behaviour (for his well-being), particularly when the brat felt like he could shoulder everything on his own and ended up putting himself at risk.
Sougo almost scoffed in answer, his flippant tone ever-present. "Hijikata-San, please, that would hurt my feelings. If I had any."
Hijikata's eyebrow twitched.
"Of course I will be on my best when it comes to kicking alien's ass." The boy continued, a smirk that could be considered evil for all to see played on his lips as the words left his mouth.
The Vice-Commander muttered something under his breath and sighed to himself, but, well, at least you could count on the brat when it came to matters like this one. He had to admit though that he was almost excited himself. After all the possibility of focusing mind, body and soul, and blow all the steam and stress he had accumulated the past week was practically being served to him on a silver platter. (no implied meaning or pun intended)
Right as they were walking by, a sweet smell was quickly spreading in the air. Near them was, in fact, a stand of dango.
"Hijikata-San, let's stop here. I want to eat some dango." Sougo drawled as he glanced at him, expecting an answer. "I'll have you know that if you do answer with no, I am still going to take a break. And find a way to waste our whole day." He lazily added as an 'incentive'. He sounded very sure of himself. He also sounded eager to stop, more than usual, as if he had somehow seen something that'd been worth capturing his attention.
Hijikata let out another sigh, Sougo was definitely great when it came to messing up plans, especially if it was Hijikata's plans, the kid would definitely keep his word if he didn't agree. "Fine. We can stop here, but only for a short while." In the end he easily agreed, not really having it in him to argue. And he supposed a snack break wasn't that bad of an idea since all he had eaten today was the Mayonnaise Zaki had brought him earlier, and even if it tasted delicious it didn't quell his hunger completely.
They approached the stand and took a seat on one of the benches outside, the place was incredibly un-crowded, probably given the hour. Even if it was a warm and late spring kind of day, the sun wasn't shining, its rays were instead shadowed by a few gray clouds and the temperature had dropped some, a cool breeze blew past every now and then. Hijikata thought the weather matched how he was feeling.
An old and kind woman came out to take their orders, shortly after leaving to get them ready and while the dango were being made, the two were enjoying the rest. Hijikata spared a moment to close his eyes, inhaling and exhaling smoke in peace. He was tired, he really was, the lack of sleep might probably be the likely cause. Maybe eating something might fight the sudden wave of exhaustion and wake him up some.
As the smell of dango was invading their nostrils, a high pitched scream tore through the air, not very far away from where they were.
"What are you doing here you stupid idiot?! Do you want me to kill you!? Huuh?!"
Hijikata knew that voice, and when he opened his eyes he confirmed that yes, he actually knew the person it belonged to. And yes, that was a massive rock aiming straight for his head that he narrowly avoided, only later realizing he wasn't the actual target, his subordinate was. The auburn haired girl had made her arrival known, her two colleagues trudging behind her. The Yorozuya trio.
'No! Not today too!' Hijikata all but screamed in his head, exasperated beyond belief. He had really hoped against hope that he wouldn't see the idiot today, apparently that was too much to ask for. Seeing his face was enough to heighten the annoyance bubbling up in him.
"Pff- and you call that a throw, China? A baby could beat you." Sougo- who had managed to avoid being hit by the rock (more like a missile in Kagura's hands)- being his wonderful wonderful self, had to of course yank on the low hanging fruit and taunt her, putting everyone in the vicinity in danger just because he felt like messing around. The smugness in his voice was something out of the ordinary, something Hijikata had only really ever heard directed towards her.
Which brought on the questions, had this been somehow Sougo's plan? Was this what had captured his attention? Hijikata bit back a groan, he was too done already to deal with the troublesome kid. Well, kids.
And of course Kagura would be easily riled up by whatever he had said. "You want me to show you how I can throw you around the planet, you jerk?!" Her voice raised a few octaves, clearly showing how affected she was by Sougo's childish insults.
"I'd like to see you try, with those pathetic noodle arms. It's a wonder how you can even lift something. Why don't you just go home and let the real men do the work? Oh, don't tell me you can't because you don't even know how to behave like a girl? Shame." Sougo tsk'ed, incredibly unperturbed by the situation as a whole if the small smirk stretching his lips was any indication.
Hijikata almost rolled his eyes. Whatever was going to happen next, Sougo had brought it on himself and he wasn't going to do a damn thing to help him. Seriously, he should really talk to Kondo about problematic kids in the Shinsengumi one of these days.
Apparently the brat hit a nerve because the next thing they all saw was a chunk of cement being ripped off like it was nobody's business, an almost dark aura coming out from the girl of the Yorozuya as she showed off her strength, and matching annoyance, trying her hardest to hit Sougo. Multiple times.
"Ha-ha-ha!" Her laugh sounded forced, but her strength was definitely a force to be reckoned with, and not for the first time it made Hijikata wonder if they could just replace Sougo with her- hey, at least she was more tolerable than him and wouldn't attempt at his life on the daily. "Don't make me laugh! You a real man!? The only thing you can do is sleep and piss people off, you're a wimpy sadist-o!"
Not for the first time, Hijikata also found himself agreeing with her when it came to his subordinate. And of course, just like that, the fight ensued. The kid with glasses tried to calm down the two at first, he really did, though it didn't take long for him to give up on them- not like anyone could blame him.
"I'm sorry about her." Shinpachi bowed his head to him with an apologetic frown settling on his face. "When Kagura-Chan gets like this it's... impossible to stop her." He stared at the two out-of-control-menaces with a dejected look, almost nervously laughing it off, because if you can't cry just laugh right?
"That's fine." Hijikata shrugged off the polite apology. "It was Sougo's fault anyway." True, Sougo always picked fights with her practically whenever he could, it was like making her angry was a personal goal for him, a little beating from her would only do him some good in Hijikata's opinion.
However, this was not the problem now. Not at all.
The real problem was a certain moron with gray/silver curls and usually lazy, red and mischievous eyes, and how those now unreadable eyes were boring into his now. It was just a second, only for a second.
Hijikata had expected to see his trademark nonchalant expression, but when their eyes crossed he found surprise etched on his usually deadpan face. And just for the slip of a moment he was sure he saw something glinting in those eyes, beneath the surface. But it had lasted a second only because the jerk had disappeared inside the stand, to probably place his order. Ignoring him so clearly and completely as he walked right past him, the air of indifference surrounding Gintoki returned instantly, and Hijikata had expected that from the start, should have expected this from the start, so why was he suddenly feeling so pissed off?
Maybe, it was because, how could he just act so indifferently, like nothing had happened-
Hijikata halted his train of thought, stopping himself in the middle.
No. No, no, no. Of course nothing had happened. Why would it count as something in the first place? They acted as usual, just like they always did, there had only been... a few decidedly weird moments between the two that had thrown both of them off track. But simply because they were not used to being alone-together that much, since they were almost always surrounded by other people, maybe that was how they took their frustrations out on each other, with getting... closer?
Hijikata didn't know if he wanted to bark out a laugh or simply scream at himself because of such a ridiculous thought invading his brain, so he settled for hanging his head and sighing to himself in defeat.
Something struck him then. Maybe to the Yorozuya it really was nothing. He had most probably passed it off as one random antic of Hijikata's instead of one of his own. The concern Hijikata had shown for him, the contact, how he still couldn't shake off the feeling of them in that closed off room, the way Gintoki held onto him, his face pressed against his neck... did it mean nothing to Gintoki?
He should be glad, he really, seriously, should be. He could forget all about this and pretend it had never even happened in the first place. But he wasn't. He was angry instead. At who he didn't exactly know, most probably himself.
The idiot made his reappearance then, trying to balance plates on both hands and arms. "Hey, hey! If you brats don't stop now, Gin-San will have all the goodies for himself!" He called out to the still fighting kids.
Kagura and Sougo immediately stopped, mid-fight, her fingers on his throat trying to strangle him, while he held her arm backwards trying to break it. They sprinted to the benches like it was a a race, whilst Shinpachi was already munching on his treat, cautious enough in case the two decided their portions weren't enough and tried to steal from him.
"Food! Finally!" Kagura exclaimed almost desperately, as if she had been starved. "Gin-Chan! I was starving!"
"Thanks, Danna." Sougo nodded at the samurai gratefully, having absolutely no trouble whatsoever being a decent human being with Gintoki since he was one of the very few people he actually liked and admired. Kagura scoffed (pouted) at his 'arch-enemy', but by that point she was too busy scarfing down whatever was on the plate to really spare her attention to anything else.
"No problemo." Gintoki replied airily to the kids, with that joking sort of attitude he possessed.
As the others dug in, Hijikata was busy staring a bit bewildered at the scene. It seemed Gintoki had been gone long enough for both of their orders to be ready, and went out of his way to bring them theirs too, even if he didn't really have to. In fact, one plate of dango was placed on the empty space near Sougo, where Hijikata had sat, waiting for him. It was such a small, small gesture, it should be meaningless, something down out of plain politeness, but it made something in Hijikata's chest swell, and he couldn't just shake off whatever this was.
As if right on cue, the loud ringing of his phone cut off the uncomfortable thought and feeling. He was more than happy to take the call, practically scrambling to his feet trying to find a somewhat private spot. Honestly, he just needed to stay away from the moron a while longer. Not too far off from where they were stood a narrow alley between two buildings, and he took off in that direction. He didn't notice Gintoki's eyes following him.
Once inside the safety that was the narrow, dirty and private alleyway, he pushed himself against the wall and answered the call, Kondo's cheery voice soon filling the other end of the line.
"Toshi! What are you up to? Is Sougo with you?" Hijikata was about to reply, but the Commander continued without waiting for an answer. "Don't worry about patrol and just get back to the barracks now, we need to go over a few details-" There was a loud smash, followed by a shrill voice and a few more indistinct noises here and there. "-f-for tomorrow's- ah- no- wait!" The loud noise made Hijikata close one eye on instinct while keeping the phone at a certain distance.
He sighed, again. "Kondo-San... are you bothering that woman again?"
"I'm not bothering anyone! There is no shadow of anything bothersome going on here! This is a show of affection! My undyiiing love- aaah- no- wait- Tae-Chan- that part of me could very much dieee-"
Hijikata stared up at the sky, a gray line between the two buildings. He shook his head to himself, he could only imagine what was happening on the other side.
"A-Anyway! The plan! Tomorrow! Have to go over it-" Kondo's static and somehow panic filled voice came through the receiver after half a minute. "-and you need to rest! Don't forget this one might be tricky, we all need to be on our top form- woah-"
Hijikata deadpanned. "Kondo-San, are you still alive?" It's not like he wasn't worried about his friend, best friend really, but just like Sougo, Kondo tended to actively go and look for trouble. And while the kid most of the time came out unscathed, the same couldn't exactly be said for the man.
"Pfff, of course I am! Who do you take me for, I'm a- aaaaaah-!"
Hijikata quickly tore the phone away from his ear, least his Commander's voice tore apart his eardrums. Once the ruckus had mostly died down and he deemed it safe enough for his hearing, he brought the phone close to his ear again, answering even though he wasn't certain Kondo could hear what he was saying. "Don't worry Kondo-San, we were just finishing our rounds, we're on our way. But with all the training and research we've done these past few weeks, I'm sure everything will go according to plan tomorrow. And-" Hijikata paused, considering what was happening on the other side, before clicking his tongue. "-and you're being beaten to death."
"Whaaat? What are you talking about? I'm perfectly capable of holding my own in a battle- wheee-!" The squeak of his Commander's voice didn't leave much to the imagination.
"When you're talking about a battle while you are visiting the... 'woman of your dreams-'" It was always weird to refer to Otae as such, but Kondo insisted she was all the time. "-then there is something supposedly wrong."
"Toshi." Kondo's voice came off much more serious this time, taking on a note of profundity and Hijikata thought he would be subjected to one of the rare but admirable moments of wisdom that made him respect the man all the more- when Kondo spoke again. "Nothing can be deemed as wrong in this battle we call... love."
Hijikata suppressed a scoff. If it had been anyone else, he would have just replied with 'Please, for the love of God, just shut up already', but since this was Kondo, he bit back on the retort. "Whatever you say."
Although he had to admit, hearing the voice of his best friend, and knowing he was up to one of his usual shenanigans, was enough to ease him a little of the stress. This was right, what they had been doing, what he had been doing, everything led up to Kondo, who had led every single one of them to a better life. Hijikata was supposed to focus on his job and do it to the best of his abilities so he wouldn't let any of his hard-working colleagues down. It was time he erased everything else, especially the past week from his mind, and started paying attention to his faction like he'd always done.
They talked a bit more, Hijikata making sure Kondo was still alive- he was, sort of- and then hung up with the promise of seeing each other soon. He pocketed his phone and closed his eyes again as he rested more of his weight on the wall, letting himself have another almost blissful moment of peace and quiet to clear his head, reflecting.
"Your dango is either going to get cold or eaten if you waste any more time here."
Hijikata jolted when the new voice invaded his private moment, eyes snapping open in astonishment. It was Gintoki, of course it would be him. He really didn't feel up to talk to him now, or even see him for that matter, the confusing anger laying dormant inside him stirred up again. He quickly took out a cigarette, maybe the smoke would help in keeping him calm.
"And what's that to you?" He finally spoke to him as he asked back, voice cold, frustration taking the best of him.
"Nothing." Gintoki shrugged. "Just thought I'd give you a heads up before Kagura ends up devouring your treat." He answered normally, his eyes were as usual nonchalant and dead-fish like. He knew Gintoki couldn't care less if Hijikata's portion got eaten by his protegè, then why was he here at all?
"Doesn't matter. We're going anyway." The Vice-Commander was ready to step out from the alleyway, but the Yorozuya's next words stopped him in his tracks.
"Tomorrow's gonna be a big day, huh?" Despite the seemingly casually asked question, this time Gintoki's tone was anything but casual.
Something inside Hijikata flared up. "That's none of your business! How much did you even hear? It's illegal to listen to other people talking on the phone!"
And, he was properly angry now. Again. Why had the Yorozuya's expression changed when asking about tomorrow? He didn't even have any say in this, and it should not concern him what Hijikata did or didn't do. It was his work for fuck's sake! After messing with his mind, he was going to do it with his job too? The last thought alone was enough to make him have a conniption. Just who did he think he was?
"Oi, oi, don't accuse me of something I didn't do! I was just coming here to warn you about your food, like any decent person would do and I ended up catching a bit of your conversation." Gintoki quickly defended himself, and for once he could say this was 100% the truth. "By the way, I'm pretty sure it's not illegal to unconciously overhear people talking on the phone!"
"It is when it involves the police! And why would it even bother you what happens to my food? Your kid with the monstrous stomach or Sougo were gonna eat it anyway!" Hijikata raised his voice back, almost not even aware of it, or what he was saying. "Now move, I have to go!" He was going to walk as fast as he could out of here, not wanting to remain a second longer.
That was, until Gintoki grabbed hold of his arm.
Did the guy seriously like grabbing other people this much? It seemed so, since lately he had been doing it an awful lot with Hijikata...
"Wait!"
"No! Let go!"
"Moron!"
"Idiot!"
Hijikata violently yanked his arm out of the idiot's grip, he really, seriously did not want to stay another second, but the action wasn't enough to deter Gintoki's efforts.
"I said wait!"
Hijikata felt himself being dragged and pressed against the wall, his cigarette falling from the impact, Gintoki's hands on both sides of his head, caging him in. After the initial surprise, an indignant glare had taken over Hijikata's face, he was so ready to rip him a new one-
"What's gotten into you?"
But Gintoki beat him to it, although nothing about him screamed 'angry' like it did with Hijikata. His question was asked in a low, quiet voice, eyes looking straight at him.
Hijikata tried to move, to get away, though it was no use. The idiot was keeping him in place and everytime he tried something Gintoki only ended up getting a little closer as he trapped him in, making sure he wasn't leaving. After a while of this Hijikata lost most of the fight in him, ceasing any more sprinting actions. They were both breathing heavily now, one from exertion and the other from rage.
He snapped. "Go away already!"
"No." Gintoki's voice was quite the opposite, but it was firm.
And Hijikata didn't know what to do. Only yesterday they had been in such close proximity, and now Gintoki was not even touching him, but he could still feel the heat emanating from his body, only a few inches of distance between them. He could still feel the exact place where he had been grabbed mere seconds ago, his skin was almost throbbing now.
Gintoki was looking at him with such a vivid glimmer of determination in his gaze and- had his eyes always been this red? A little closer and Hijikata would count the shades of colour inside his irises.
It was too much.
He lowered his eyes, head cast down, but still, it wasn't enough. In a way or another, as much as Hijikata loathed himself for this... it wasn't as satisfying as it had been the day before. This time it felt plain wrong. What the hell, he was almost craving the feel of his touch again, his arm being yanked was apparently not enough for him, and just why the fuck was this so hard?
There was a small, insignificant part of him that he tried to suppress, that just wanted to feel like he had yesterday. When it had seemed like nothing mattered, when it had been just the two of them. But now they were surrounded by people, and he was an officer, he had a risky job awaiting him, and Gintoki was a good-for-nothing Yorozuya, who had somewhat of a risky job- honestly, depending on the clients- too. They should have never crossed paths in the first place and that had also been Hijikata's fault... as usual.
It was as if Gintoki could sense his inner thoughts, because his expression changed, his face open and almost readable as he showed a sliver of concern. It was as if he wanted Hijikata to stop berating himself, it was as if he cared.
"...Let go." Hijikata's voice came out in a whisper. There was still some leftover anger in there, but it was more subdued and not as detectable now.
However it sounded unsure, something he had not been in a long while.
It looked like Gintoki had caught his uncertainty too, of course, he always caught on to the smallest things, and he inched his face closer to his. He neared just a few millimeters of distance, but Hijikata already felt like his breath was being punched out of his lungs. He could feel Gintoki's gaze on him as he avoided it, focusing on anything but him.
"Not until you tell me what's going on with you." Gintoki said in a hush. His voice had an almost petulant quality to it and in any other occasion it might have even made Hijikata hide a smile.
Today, however, he really did not want to. There was a part of him that knew it would be just so easy to vent out his frustrations, to just get it over with and tell Gintoki everything.
And ask him if his head felt as much of a mess as Hijikata's did. If he had been able to sleep these days. If he had lost his appetite too. Or if what had happened between them had been nothing but a trick of his own mind.
...If he could still feel the ghost of warmth lingering on his skin, his touch.
But Hijikata couldn't bring himself to inquire, he really couldn't. What good would come out of admitting this to who was supposed to be his rival anyway? The most he would get was a laugh in his face, and that would be putting it mildly (at least, this was what he thought).
"Nothing. Everything's fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go." He uttered instead. The words came out normally and neutrally this time around, he himself couldn't almost believe he had even been able to hold Gintoki's gaze as he said so.
He felt his chest squeeze, air missing for a second, as if he had just done something wrong. But he pushed down on it, feeling distant, as if he wasn't completely aware in the moment.
Gintoki stared back at him, shock splashing his features for a long, unexpected moment. Before he retracted his hands, arms dropping down by his sides again. The way he stepped away from him was slow, but the way he turned away and left without even glancing back was way too quick.
Without his warmth trapping him, Hijikata suddenly felt cold.
After getting himself together, he stepped out too, finding that Gintoki was already sitting down and eating his dango, his head downcast just like Hijikata's had been before to hide his expression. The kids were fighting again, not even noticing they had been missing.
"C'mon, give me some of them at least!" Kagura was shouting as she tried to grasp at the treat being waved in front of her, but when she was close enough Sougo pulled it just out of reach again.
"Forget it." He mocked just as smugly as before."These are all mine. Stop stuffing yourself or you'll end up becoming a pig."
"Shut up! I'll stay young and beautiful forever!"
Their loud voices and Shinpachi's calmer one as he tried to break them apart filled the air.
Gintoki was just a silent participant in the act without doing anything to contribute, but his presence still filled the open space.
And yet again, it was like nothing had happened.
Hijikata needed to get away from here.
"Sougo, get up. We're leaving." He barely spoke through the mumbled vowels, fingers itching to light up a cigarette.
Sougo heard something in Hijikata's voice that made him follow without protest, and after taking the last stick of dango left in his superior's plate- the other two had been inhaled by Kagura- he got up. The brat went to talk to the old woman, probably telling her to add the treat to their bill, and with a final "Bye Danna", at which Gintoki only nodded, a nod towards Shinpachi and a sneer directed at Kagura, who responded back with one of her own, he followed right after him.
Hijikata didn't glance back either, keeping his distance from Gintoki.
He thought it would be better this way, it had to be.