Chapter 7

Paris, December 15th, 2368

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"Hey!" A bright grin spread across Palis' face when she saw him waiting on the sidewalk next to the entrance of her ballet academy, a thick muffler wrapped around his neck and his hands stuck into the side pockets of his coat. It was icy outside, and he could see his breath white before his eyes when he waved at her, waiting for her to make her way over to him through the crowd of students filing out into the cold December air.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with red cheeks and a sparkle in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek.

"I thought that every once in a while it would be a nice idea to accompany you home after your training session," he smiled. He didn't mention the fact that getting some fresh air had also been an attempt to get to grips with the persistent headache that had accompanied him ever since he'd been released from hospital one week ago. Most of the time, he managed to handle it well enough but every now and then the pain would grow so unbearable that he was hardly able to think straight. He'd tried about everything he'd been able to come up with, from fresh air to some herbal tea Palis had bought him. He'd even consulted René who'd presumed that it was some aftereffect of the injury he'd sustained. Palis' father had him undergo a row of tests, but the results had all come back frustratingly unsatisfying. However, the older doctor seemed convinced that it was only a matter of time until Julian was back to his old self and that he only had to hold out a little longer…

Palis waved at some friends who'd left the building with her before she took Julian's hand. "Thank you, Julian. That's so sweet!"

She kissed him again, and he felt himself blush a little. "I'm on late shift today, so I have the afternoon free. Do you want to take a walk?"

She smiled as he took her training bag and slung it over his shoulder. She linked arms with him as they walked through the busy streets full of lights and people. The wind was icy and the sky a dull grey and it almost looked as if it was soon beginning to snow.

Palis snuggled up to him. Only after a while, she suddenly said: "Julian… how are you getting along with my father?"

He shot her a quick side glance. Her gaze was directed straight ahead, and there was a sad shadow clouding her usually serene features. He couldn't help recalling the conversation between her and Michael he'd overheard in hospital some days ago.

"Well…" he began but thought it best to stick to the truth. "It depends. Your father's rather demanding. He knows exactly what he wants and I daresay that his expectations on his staff are quite high. I manage to get along with him quite well most of the time – but there are times when I wish he weren't so strict…"

Palis finally turned toward him, concern written plainly over her face. He felt sorry for giving her any reason to worry about him. Sometimes he forgot how good-natured a person she was. She wore her heart on her sleeve and she was unable to hide her feelings which always immediately showed on her face.

She grimaced. "When you were in hospital… I had a talk with Michael."

Julian involuntarily tensed. "You mean the one where you were secretly talking about me behind my back?" he joked, trying to make light of the matter. But Palis didn't smile.

"He's worried about you. He told me that my father's really hard on you. Too hard sometimes. Michael is worried that sooner or later, it'll become too much…That Papa will somehow cross a line…"

Julian sighed. "I can manage."

She looked at him, and for the fraction of a second there was an earnestness to her features he'd rarely seen there. "You always say so. But I'm worried. I'm afraid that my father is going too far…"

Julian stopped, and took her by her shoulders. "Palis, I'm all grown up. I can put up with your father. Michael is right that there are times when I don't know what your father's thinking. But I can manage. A doctor's job is not always easy."

She looked barely convinced so he added: "And besides, I owe him so much. After my horseback riding incident, he tended to me like I was family. He didn't leave my side. He was there, all the time. I'm really grateful for what he did for me. And even now, he's adamant to help me recover from the accident. He's having me undergo regular check-ups to make sure that I'm okay. And he said himself that he wants us to be happy. I'm convinced he'd do anything in his power just to make it happen."

Palis gave him a sad smile. "I know…" She snuggled up closer, leaning her head against his shoulder. "It's just…" She sighed. "I don't know…"

He put an arm around her. "Care for some cinnamon rolls?" he offered with a grin, trying to lead the conversation toward a more pleasant topic.

Her somber expression finally lightened. "Only one," her lips drew into a reluctant smile. "I'll see Maman tonight and she promised me some gorgeous dinner treat."

"You're seeing Marie?" he said as they made their way toward Palis' favorite café. She nodded but didn't look at him, as if she was afraid that he'd read something in her face he wasn't supposed to. "Yeah. There's something I wanted to talk to her about. And as you're on nightshift tonight…" she didn't finish the sentence, but he got the clue.

He kissed her on the head. "Say hello to your mother for me, will you. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"There you are!"

Startled by the sudden voice behind him, Julian whirled round, and half spilled his tea all over the floor. He silently cursed under his breath but to his great relief, it was only Michael who stood in the door to the break room, an amused smile on his face. "I was searching for you," the other doctor offered apologetically as he came over to the replicator to get himself some coffee. With a quick glance at Julian's mug, he lifted one eyebrow.

"No coffee today?"

Julian sighed and shook the spilled tea off his hand. "No. I'm still on medication and coffee is unfortunately off limits for the time being."

Michael grimaced as if he knew exactly how hard it was for a doctor not being able to rely on a good shot of coffee. "I see," he chuckled but almost instantly became serious again.

"You know, that's exactly what I wanted to see you about. I'd like to do a check-up on you. It's been a week since you were released from hospital and I'd just like to make sure everything is fine. It's just a simple routine check-up and it won't take long. I thought that we could do it tonight, whenever you have some time to spare."

Julian looked up at Michael's words, puzzled. He wasn't sure why Michael saw it necessary to do a check-up on him. So far, Mr. Delon had made a point of having him undergo regular check-ups every other day to make sure he was okay, the results of which were automatically uploaded into his medical file. Why would Michael bother with another check-up when he was able to access the official information on Julian's health condition anytime online?

"My next official check-up with Dr. Delon is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon," Julian offered slightly unsure with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Michael didn't face him and took a sip of his coffee. "I know. René's quite busy so I promised I will take over for him. When I checked your examination results this afternoon, your medical file said you're still on medication…"

"Yes, I still get some neural stabilizers to help repair the nerve damage…"

Michael nodded. He leaned against the table, suddenly watching him with a frown. "I overheard you complaining to Magdalena about your headache yesterday. I didn't know about the headache. There's nothing about it in your medical file so I just wanted to check if it could be due to the medication and if there's something we can do about it."

Julian gave a wry smile. He couldn't shake the feeling that there was something the other doctor wasn't telling him. "I already talked to Dr. Delon about it and he said that it must be a side effect from the accident and that it'll pass in a few days. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much anyone can do about it."

"I see. Can you lend me the hypo René has given you?"

The question took him off guard. Even if Michael didn't say it aloud, he got the underlying message – especially after having overheard the secret conversation between Michael and Pails. It was pretty clear that Michael no longer trusted René when it came to Julian's wellbeing. Why else would he want to have Julian undergo an own examination to check how he was doing? Julian didn't know if he should feel reassured or worried about the fact but either way he unfortunately was of no great help. "I don't have anything with me. Dr. Delon always administers the shots directly during the check-up," he frowned, feeling all at once quite uncomfortable.

Michael's face grew dark. "Okay." There was obviously more he wanted to add, but whatever he was about to say was drowned by the sudden beeping of Julian's messenger. Apparently, Dr. Delon had chosen the same moment to request him to come to his office. Michael seemed a bit crestfallen about the sudden call and that their conversation was so unexpectedly put to an end. But then he sighed and just said: "We can talk later about it. Just tell me whenever you're free!"

Julian promised to give him a call later that night and hurried off toward René's office. When he entered, though, he knew immediately that something was wrong. He cleared his throat and when the older man turned behind his desk, there was a hard to interpret expression on his face. He gestured for Julian to have a seat, making the young man feel as if he were back to being a student, summoned by his teacher because he'd done something wrong. Even though Julian had no idea what that could have been.

"You wanted to see me?" he reluctantly broke the heavy silence between them.

René sighed and suddenly pushed two padds that were lying on the table toward him. Perplexed, Julian stared at the padds, an unpleasant feeling churning in his stomach.

"I was wondering," the older doctor said, "if you could tell me why you lied to me about your medical history."

For a moment, he wasn't sure he'd heard right. His confusion must have shown on his face because Dr. Delon propped himself with both arms on the desk and leaned forward. He took one of the padds and quickly thumbed it on.

"You told me that you once were with your father on a foreign world and got sick so that you needed to be treated in the local hospital. You told me that it was only a fever and nothing serious." He pressed his lips into a tight line before he went on: "You must know yourself that doctors – even on a foreign world – won't give you an IV just for a simple fever. I found it strange, so I did some investigations."

Julian felt his heart miss a beat. "You did… what?" he said almost reflexively.

René arched one brow. "I contacted your father. He told me that you were on a planet called Invernia II when you were ten. It wasn't really difficult to get some more information from there. I searched the database and this," he held the padd demonstratively in mid-air, "is what I found."

Julian stared at the padd, his mind racing.

"You had an accident. You fell down a precipice and suffered severe internal bleeding and had to be operated on. That's where you got the IV. It wasn't a simple fever. They said you were in quite a bad shape when you were brought in and that your condition was critical. You were barely conscious and had lost a lot of blood already. You obviously had to stay in hospital for several days…"

Julian felt a cold feeling growing in the pit of his stomach. Something was clutching at his heart.

"Tell me, Julian, why doesn't your medical file say anything about the incident?"

He didn't meet René's gaze, his face flushing. "Because… my father didn't want it to show up. He didn't report it when we came back home," he simply said even before he could even think about it.

"And why is that so?" René asked with arms crossed across his chest.

Julian tried to find a way out of this. But he knew he was trapped. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He didn't want to share this particular memory with René, but he was painfully aware that René knew too much. He wouldn't be able to fool him.

He kept staring at the floor when he finally said: "Because he was worried about me. He knew that it would have disconcerted my mother. He didn't want her to worry about me and he wanted me to put the incident behind me as quickly as possible. That's why he refrained from reporting it."

René took a deep breath, as if he were pondering his answer and deciding if he was telling the truth now.

"Okay," he finally said, pointing at the other padd. "Then tell me about your accident at the Academy three years ago."

Julian's head involuntarily snapped up at this. He stared at René.

As if he was sensing that Julian wouldn't be forthcoming about this topic either, he tapped his finger on the padd. "You had an accident at Starfleet Medical which led to some critical damage of your neural pathways. You suffered a neural shock and had to spend several days in ICU afterwards. That's where you were treated with Lorasine. Why is there nothing about the accident in your medical file?"

Julian felt his cheeks flush even more. Distress was warring anger inside him. Where on earth had René gotten the information? It should have been classified. Only few people knew of the truth. He slowly felt anger gaining the upper hand. His hands unconsciously balled into fists. He felt like he was standing with his back against the wall.

"Because," he finally said deadpan, still not facing René, "one of my teachers abused me for his unauthorized experiment. It went wrong and I almost died. I was lucky they were able to patch me up again. My medical file doesn't contain any information on the incident because it would have been very inconvenient for Starfleet Medical if anything about it appeared on my official record."

René's countenance suddenly softened. He looked genuinely troubled. "I'm sorry," he finally said.

The older man sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Julian, don't get me wrong. I'm not angry at you for lying to me. I'd rather you trusted me far enough to tell me the truth. We are family after all."

When Julian kept silent, René sat down in his chair. "You didn't tell Palis either, did you?" There was no reproach in his voice, just a profound sadness.

Julian felt like a small child caught in the act. He shook his head. "No… I haven't."

"Why not?" René asked sympathetically. "She's your fiancée. Who can you trust if not her?"

He didn't meet Mr. Delon's eyes, the older man's words burning themselves deep into his soul. It wasn't that he didn't trust Palis. He knew that he could confide about anything in her. But there just were things he couldn't share. Things that were too dangerous to share. Or perhaps René was right. Perhaps he really was unable to trust other people. He'd once given his trust to another person, and he'd had to learn the hard way what a mistake it had been. Perhaps, after all his life in hiding, he'd simply lost his ability to trust.

"You should tell her," René finally said with a sad smile. "It's not healthy to keep too many things in. I just want you to know that – whenever you feel like talking – I'll be here. I'm just worried about you, Julian, that's all. Let us be part of your life. You don't need to carry every burden alone."

"Thank you," was everything Julian brought forth, not sure if he should feel grateful for René's words or upset at the older doctor for sticking his nose in things that were none of his business. He only prayed René would leave it at that and stop digging up things of his past. He didn't dare imagine what would happen if he ever found out about Adigeon Prime…

"Then I'd say off you go. I won't keep you from your duties any longer. It's going to be a quite eventful evening. But I would be glad if you'd take my words to heart."

Julian only nodded, his cheeks still flushed a bright red. He left the office without another word and quickly made his way back down to the regular ward, trying to force his mind on other things. Unfortunately, his headache was back full-force and that he felt like he'd been awake for ages didn't really help either. There wasn't much time to dwell on it, though. No sooner had he come back down from René's office that emergency after emergency had him race up and down the corridors until the conversation with René was completely driven off his mind.

It was not until way past midnight that he finally came into the break room and dropped heavily down onto a chair. He took his head into his hands and tried to take long and regular breaths. But it didn't help. His head felt by now as if it was going to explode. His headache had grown so unbearable that he could barely concentrate any longer. He'd somehow managed to get through the evening so far but he doubted that he was able to go on like this until morning. For a moment he thought about reporting sick and going straight back home but then the doctor in him took over and he told himself that it were only a few more hours and that he would somehow manage. His patients were relying on him. René was relying on him…

With a heavy sigh, he set the hypo he'd brought along onto the table, regarding it for a long time. He knew that Dr. Delon had said that he wasn't allowed to take any other medication and that he had to refrain from relying on other substances like coffee to bring him through the day for the time being. But he had reached a point where he was no longer able to function properly. He'd checked his medical file several times, especially the notes René had left there about the neural stabilizer and had made sure to choose a painkiller that would not interfere with it. Some inner voice was still nagging at him that he better not defy René's order but right now it couldn't be helped. In his present condition he was of no use to anyone and there were still some hours to go until his shift would be over.

He quickly drew himself up and went over to the replicator to get some more tea. When the sparkle faded, he reached for the mug and brought it over to the table. Then he took up the hypo and turned it in his hands, forcing himself to make a decision. His hands balled around the small device and without giving it another though, he brought it up to his neck to inject him with the dose of painkillers.

He heard the familiar hiss – just as the door whooshed open and a familiar face appeared in the door frame in front of him. It was Michael.

"Julian! I was searching for you. It seems as if the situation has calmed down so what about doing the check-up as…" the other doctor began but suddenly broke off when he noticed the startled look on Julian's face. Then his eyes flicked to the hypo the young man was still pressing to his neck.

For a second, Julian stared at Michael with a feeling as if having been caught in the act. But before he had the time to say or least of all explain anything, his vision suddenly blurred, and everything swam out of focus. He felt a pang of vertigo, accompanied by a heavy wave of nausea and a subsequent stabbing pain in his chest. The next thing he knew his legs gave out beneath him and he was collapsing forward, against the table, knocking his mug and a stack of padds off the table on his way down.

He hit the floor without being able to break his fall, a strangled cry escaping his lips when the wind was knocked out of his lungs. His heart was racing in his chest and his head felt as if it was being crushed by some invisible force. His whole body suddenly felt as if it were breaking apart and it was all he could do to curl up on the ground, gasping heavily for breath.

"Julian!?"

A moment later, Michaels shocked face came into view as the young man bent hastily over him, grasping him by the shoulders and turning him over. "Julian, are you okay? What happened? What was in that hypo?!" the other doctor almost shouted, his eyes searching for the small medical device that had skidded over the floor and was now lying an arm's length away.

Julian couldn't keep his eyes open. Everything spun around him, so wildly that he felt his stomach clench convulsively. It took him several tries until he finally found his voice. "Painkillers…" he moaned, fighting the growing urge to throw up his dinner.

"Against your headache?" Michael grabbed for the hypo, quickly flicking his tricorder open. His eyes flew over the small display as he scanned the residual substance. Then he turned to Julian, running a quick scan on the young man. He checked his pupils, then his pulse. Finally, he frowned. "It's an overreaction to the painkillers." It was clear that Michael was at a complete loss what had triggered it, though.

Julian couldn't bring forth another word. He felt so sick. His heart was still racing in his chest. He felt Michael hoist one of his arms over his shoulder and slowly drag him up from the floor. The movement made everything only worse. "Come, you need to lie down. But not on the floor."

He would have laughed at Michael's comment, but couldn't bring up enough strength.

Julian tried to help as best he could when Michael walked him over to the couch at the other end of the room and gently eased him down.

"There. You'll be feeling better in a few minutes," he heard Michael's strained voice as he made him lie down the length of the couch, propping up Julian's legs on the arm rest.

"I… double checked my medication…" Julian whispered with closed eyes. "I… Dr. Delon told me not to administer any other drugs… but the headache was… unbearable… I chose a painkiller that… would not interfere with my medication… I really don't know… what happened."

A hand squeezing his arm. "It's okay. We'll figure it out." Then he heard a familiar beeping. Michael had obviously flicked his tricorder open again, muttering under his breath. Julian just lay there, unable to open his eyes, unable to do much but wait for Michael's verdict. Finally, the other doctor blew out a long breath.

"It's clearly an overreaction to the painkiller you took earlier, the only problem is that I have never seen simple painkillers cause a breakdown like this. I'll just run another scan in the lab and see what I can find out." With that, Julian felt something cold touching his neck. Probably Michael taking a blood sample. "There, that should be enough."

"I'd better report this to Dr. Delon…" Julian said miserably under his breath, not at all thrilled at the prospect of having to tell René that he had overrode his judgement and administered some painkillers even though René had told him to refrain from doing so. He could vividly imagine René's reaction and the sermon that would follow.

"No," Michael suddenly said, "there's no need to inform René. I'll bring you home as soon as you're feeling better. There's no harm done and there's nothing to do but wait for the effect to wear off. You need to rest. I will talk to René tomorrow and tell him that I sent you home early because you weren't feeling well due to your headache."

Julian didn't have the strength to argue with Michael. He felt so awful that he only wanted to sleep.

It took another half an hour until he felt strong enough to get back onto his feet and on his way home. As Michael had promised, he walked him all the way back home and made sure that he was safely seated on his couch before he said his goodbye and went back to work.

When he was gone, Julian just curled up on the spot and almost instantly fell into a deep and dreamless slumber.

When he woke, it was already bright day. Sleepily, he groaned and rubbed his eyes. To his great surprise, his headache had dropped back to a somewhat bearable level and everything else seemed back to normal as well. Even the roiling sensation in his stomach had stopped. How long had he been out?

"You're awake," a gentle voice suddenly came from above, tearing him from his thoughts. He blinked.

Only now he realized that he was lying on the couch in his quarters, a blanket tugged around him and his head bedded on Palis' knees. He was lying on his side, with his back to her, her soft hand gently stroking his hair. He inhaled deeply, trying to banish the tiredness out of his mind, and wondered how late it was.

"I found you fully dressed in your medical uniform asleep on your couch when I came over to invite you out to lunch," the disembodied voice behind him said as if in explanation. "It's almost noon..."

He closed his eyes, still too groggy to move. "Yeah, it was a very long night…"

She continued stroking his hair. "I thought so."

For a long moment, neither of them spoke. Palis must have sensed that there was something the matter with him because usually she would make a comment on him working too hard, reminding him that he needed to wind down every now and then. But instead, her hand just kept stroking his hair, as if she was waiting for him to tell her what had happened. Her touch was comforting and warm and he wished he could stay like this forever. For a long time, he kept silent, and just listened to her steady and deep breathing.

"You know…" he finally said, not opening his eyes. "When I was fifteen, I had a hard time with my parents. I was growing up and my parents often had different ideas of what was good for me. We had a lot of differences, and sometimes I wasn't even sure how to get through one day…"

He heard his own voice like from far away as he said: "One time, I had a row with my parents… I ran away from home. It was December and freezing outside. I didn't know where to go, I just knew that I couldn't go back to my parents… One of my teachers found me. But instead of taking me back home, he brought me over to his house. He put me into a hot bath to warm me up again and allowed me to stay at his place without pressing for information. It was not until the next day that I finally told him the reason for my running away from home. He listened patiently. He was just there for me. He never judged me or told me what to do. Finally, I agreed to go back home. But from that day on, he was the closest friend I ever had. He was always there for me. Whenever I had a problem, he would be there to listen. He would give me advice whenever I didn't know what to do. I knew that I could always trust him to be there for me."

"When I left school for the Academy, a strange twist of fate had it that he would start a research program at Starfleet Medical at the same time. I was so happy to see him again. I went through a hard time with one of my teachers at the Academy. I just got the impression that I was never able to measure up to his expectation, no matter what I did. But again, my former teacher always had an open ear and would listen to every problem I had. He helped me a lot during the first years at Starfleet Medical."

Julian swallowed, still not opening his eyes. "One day, he asked me to help him with one of his research projects. Of course, I volunteered. I was thrilled to be of help. It was the first time he ever asked me to assist him, and I felt so indebted to him. He was like a father to me. He asked me to take part in one of his experiments and there was no question I would do it. So we got down to work. He explained the procedure to me and connected me to the medical scanner. It was supposed to be a simple test. But when we started the experiment, I soon noticed that something was not right. The procedure was painful, and so unlike what I had been told to expect."

He noticed that Palis had stopped stroking his hair.

"I told him that I was in pain and that something was not right. But he would just reply that everything was alright and that I shouldn't worry. And that was when I realized that he knew. He knew that I was in pain. He knew what the experiment was doing to me. And he had no intention of stopping it."

Julian's voice was barely above a whisper now. "I begged him to stop, I told him that I couldn't take any more, but he just told me to hold out. That it would all be over soon. Finally, the pain grew unbearable. I thought that I was going to die. At some point I must have blacked out. One of my teachers found me half a day later. I was barely conscious, lying abandoned in some deserted research room and almost dying from the neural overload I had suffered. He brought me over into the infirmary. They transferred me to ICU and put me into an artificial coma to help me recover from my injuries. When I woke up again, I was alive. And all alone. My former teacher had left the Academy without a word to anyone the night when I almost died. I never saw him again…"

"Julian…" He didn't need to see Palis' face to feel the sadness in her voice. He was glad that she couldn't see the open anguish in his face either. He'd never told anyone the truth, not until today. All at once, he felt so vulnerable.

"I'm so sorry…" He felt her warm touch. "I… never knew…"

"Few people do…" he said and winced at the sadness in his own voice. "It's nothing I usually discuss with others…"

"What… happened?"

He kept his eyes shut tightly. He knew what she meant. What happened that suddenly changed your mind?

"Today in hospital… There was something that reminded me of the incident. And of the fact that I've never really spoken to anyone about it. Not even you." He inhaled and slowly opened his eyes. "I just realized that I wanted you to know. You were there when the accident happened. You must have heard from Marin. You must have noticed that I disappeared for three weeks without some real explanation. But you never asked where I had been or what had happened. You never pressed for information. I just wanted to tell you the truth. And I'm sorry that I haven't been open about this particular part of my past to you."

He finally turned to face her and was surprised to see a tear glistening on her cheek. She quickly wiped it away, offering a smile. "Thank you, Julian. That means a lot to me."

He reached up to stroke her cheek. Then he smiled tentatively. "How was your dinner with Marie?"

For a moment, she seemed taken off guard by the sudden change in topics, but her good-natured expression quickly returned. "She kept her promise. The dinner was gorgeous!" she simply said with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. He knew that there was something she wasn't telling him, but he decided not to press her.

He drew himself up.

"What about going out for lunch? You must be starving by now," he said as he bent toward her and they kissed. "And besides, you said that you wanted to search for something to wear to your father's Christmas party. The party is in little more than a week, so we better hurry."

She searched his face. "Are you sure, you're okay, Julian?"

He offered a weak smile. "No, but eventually I will be."