Chapter six:
Going back to her life was Hell. The absolute contrast of leaving Jack, after such a beautiful and passionate moment to the contents of her life as an engaged woman made her stomach bubble from nerves and utter dread, of the reaction which awaited her and if Cal was awaiting her still without emptying the contents of brandy down his neck.
Each step was causing her to tremble even more than the last. There was fear but also, knowing of what would await her there; Cal was not a man to be uttered a cross word with and Rose felt there would be more than words exchanged.
However much as Jack had pleaded to return with her, she had refused. His very presence would stir up a lot more trouble than she even dared to think of. He could wind up hurt. She had to face this alone. Rose had made the decision to leave and so, she would face that decision without the aid of another.
Her eyes were stinging tired, her hair a mess of tumbling curls and yet Jack had still held her as they had said goodbye. Rose's appearance was a far cry from the vision she had been the night she and Jack had met, or even the last time which they had met.
The need for her return pulled at her, but she owed her mother at least some sort of explanation of her leaving even though part of her wished to run and never return to the world which she had been born into. Would that have been such a travesty?
As soon as Rose entered the sitting room, she sensed his lingering presence. The time read that it was after midnight. The hope that he had calmed sat within Rose but she knew that more than likely it would not be the case. He never did cease to stop until either of them were wrung through; this didn't happen often, but when it did, it would linger for days.
''I have awaited your return for seven hours.''
Rose felt his voice prickle up her spine. He wore the same less than lavish suit which he had worn hours previous, his hair had rapidly fallen out of place and hung almost desperately in his eyes. He was tired, sluggish and although Rose sensed he hadn't touched a drink in hours, the smell of it still lingered about. Her Mother would have been abed for some hours and for that she was thankful, for now.
''How thoughtful of you,'' her reply came as a lash of disgust toward Cal. Her body seemed to stand taller than before, her shoulders back and weightless. As soon as he saw the difference in her, instantly he stood. His stance frightened Rose, or at least the pace of it; quick and cat-like, about to attack its prey.
''You seem to not learn from the talk we had before you were allowed to leave earlier on this evening. You chose to eat elsewhere-''
Rose pressed her lips together, feeling the anger rise within as she cut off his words instantly. She would not be reasoning with him at this hour, she would instead be laying out her own rules and taking the control of her own life.
''Cal, I am not a child,'' her voice raised, ''I ate elsewhere. The events of the last few days have reduced my appetite.'' That much was the truth. She started for her bedroom, one foot and then the other...
''Do not just walk away from me.'' He warned, his voice raising within seconds. ''You look at me when I am talking to you-'' His hand reached out to grasp her own but she pulled it away, snatching herself away from his grip.
''Put your hands on me like that again and I will scream so loud that you will not know what has hit you.'' Her eyes were in flames, severity in them, warning him away like a red light.
A slight smile escaped. ''Oh, you would have no idea what has hit you if you played such a game.''
''Another game! Why is everything to be played like a game? This is people's lives. People have died. They have lost people who they love so dear and yet, you are here, worrying over what?''
''Oh, I worry for nothing. I clearly just need to rein in the leash on what is mine.''
His face was red, anger bit at him. At himself more than anything. Perhaps for allowing it to grow this wild and untamed.
''Well, I hope you find what is yours, Mr. Caledon Hockley for it certainly is not me.''
Raising her left hand, Rose removed the absolute hideous diamond which had sat on her finger and bound her to him since the day he had placed it there. The chains had been broken. The ring was hurled at him and before he could catch it; Rose started again for the bedroom. He made no attempt to retrieve it, but it only caused his lividity to accelerate.
''Do not walk away from me when I am talking to you.''
Her body was pressed against the door once more by the strength of his body. She didn't fight as his hot breath came against her cheek. Her eyes gained contact, seeing how much he was seething beneath that cool exterior which Philadelphia society seemed to know so well. Outwardly, he was a polished and put together man about to turn thirty years old and yet, here was a man about to fall apart due to not getting his own damned way; just like a child. Studying his reaction ensured she feared him less. What could she fear only his upper hand? A cut and bruise would be gone in a few days. He would never do more than that for fear of his own reputation been in tatters.
''Rose, I have given you everything. Look at the damned suite on Titanic!''
''You can have it! Your money doesn't impress me, Cal. It never did. You think you can just bully me into doing whatever you deem is right for me to do. You chose my clothes, my food, my drinks...''
''As a fiancé should. A woman has very little choice in this world, you know that. You were to obey me and allow me to protect you-''
''Protect me?'' She laughed. Her hand slipped her hair behind her ear to reveal the mark upon her face from his strike upon her cheek just hours before. ''Yes, you do protect me.''
''You forced me into that. Your Godamned temper and unruly state drives me to do the things which I do.''
''Yes, it was always my fault wasn't it? The adolescent pistol who cannot be handled correctly by the man she was about to marry. It was actually a little bit funny.''
Cal's eyes darkened; his body weight increased upon her. Rose allowed him to hurt her, to instil the fear within herself for she knew that she would never look in those dark eyes again and feel frightened any longer.
''You knew just how to behave in front of the wonders of Society and yet, still chose to embarrass me, your mother and yourself.''
''How foolish of me,'' she breathed, ''how callous of me to enable others to think of me as something else other than an inanimate object, a piece of furniture or some pretty bauble you once purchased. You showed me off like prized cattle-''
''-to be proud of you.''
''No, to show ownership.''
''Yes. I do own you.''
''No. You own nothing of me.''
''That would have changed if you would have allowed me into your bed and not been as frigid.''
Rose's hand came up and slapped Cal straight around the face and it caused him to back away immediately, fuelling his anger tenfold. Cal touched his cheek, it stung. He had only been hit once before and that was by his father for his adolescent disobedience although with this strike, he could feel the force behind it; he felt her hatred and the need to find out where it originated pecked at him more. Rose was not just a woman walking free of an engagement; she was changed, somehow. If not in body but in mind.
''Yes, you would have only been too happy to peel away my clothes and allow me into your bed to become some sort of whore for you.''
''Do not have such a filthy mouth-''
Regaining her stance, Rose cut him off. ''No, that would have been saved for the nights in your selfish bedchamber wouldn't it?''
''Selfish? You know nothing of how to act in the bedroom unless you have managed to find a place here to exercise yourself...''
As he said the words aloud, realisation seeped into his body. The steely black of his gaze seemed to increase. The moment was broken by the intrusion of two maids entering the sitting room, both unaware of the situation until they sensed the absolute silence within and they both recoiled.
''Do not feel the need to exit, for I am leaving myself.'' Rose turned her gaze to them, needing them to see and hear this for themselves. Perhaps with witness eyes upon them, he would finally manage to comprehend that she was in fact leaving. Fixing Cal with a determined stare, she lowered her simmering anger but could see his own rise but she knew full well that he would never act in front of others; not with the door ajar into the corridor also. That much would allow his reputation to fall into tatters.
''My Mother took full advantage of my interest in you. She was only too happy to marry us off at the earliest convenience. I should have turned a blind eye, looked the other way...''
''And yet you agreed.'' He came closer to her, so that only she could hear his vulgarity.
She cringed at his presence so close to her. ''I was young when I accepted your proposal. Too young to understand what a marriage entails. Now I cannot bear to think of it.'' She breathed out a deep sigh. ''I don't love you, nor did I ever.''
If the words were like taking pins then Cal didn't show an ounce of emotion, or sentiment. Perhaps, the only thing which could take a beating was his own damned ego. The ego which he had worked so hard to become invincible. Rose had known from the start how much Cal disliked the word no.
''You wouldn't see your mother out on the streets or taking work as a seamstress. I know that you still wouldn't want to see that.'' He raised his eyebrow. ''Women like yourselves wouldn't find work.'' He laughed at the notion. Rose should have felt it was like taking a bullet but it wasn't. She watched how he sat on his own high horse as though he could never come back down. She would not stand there with him. She would not allow herself to be thought of in the same breath as he. ''If I left you, then there would be nothing for you to do than become a common whore to that gutter rat.''
''It'd be damned well better than being your wife!''
Cal narrowed his eyes, then they opened in realisation. Yes, of course it would be, wouldn't it? For that was where her silly little heart seemed to be laying these days. The two maids could not remove their eyes from the drama which was laid out before them. He regained his composure and knew that he would dismiss them, with no pay if they so much as breathed a word of this. He could instil fear into them and ensure they would never work again by just opening his mouth. That would scare the two women like the mice which lived in his old school yard.
''Yes, you would like that very much, wouldn't you?''
His grin revealed perfect white teeth behind a snarl. Her breathing started to become unsteady, her anger rising once more. She stole herself for a second or two, remembering the eyes which were upon them. On the floor, beneath her foot sat the diamond which she had removed from her finger; the one worth enough to feed and clothe possibly the entire ship for a month. To her, it was worthless. Money made for misery and Cal was nothing more than the ordinary man.
''Goodbye, Mr. Hockley.''
Rose barged past him, silently and the only sound was of her heels clacking upon the wooden floors. If she was angry then her composure remained collected.
Inside, she felt like screaming. The entire contents of her head were swimming about and nothing seemed to make sense any longer. The fear of leaving this life behind no longer bit at her and as she passed the two maids who had helped her dressed for the majority of her life, she felt the shackles loosen before falling away completely. She didn't glance back at Cal, for he had no place in her life anymore.
Reaching the door which had been open to allow their voices to travel into the corridor, she slammed it closed with one swing. She turned upon her heel to slam into Trudy, who stood, with watery eyes and very shaking hands. Silently, she thrust a worn, brown leather bag into Rose's arms with just one strap.
''Take this. Do not come back. Or look back.''
The weight of the bag caused Rose to sag back against the wall but she regained herself a second later. A sadness crossed Trudy's face before she nodded, turning to enter the stateroom which she occupied and clicked it closed in Rose's face. Her breathing had stalled and then stopped. Her senses seemed to have taken leave of her body.
Freedom. This was her freedom. Trudy had packed her some belongings to enable her to leave. Her shaking legs seemed to regain some feeling and she started to walk, one foot before the other. The destination was unknown. The future was unwritten.
She found an exit onto the deck and felt the wind outside. The rain still drizzled as darkness fell over the sky. She pulled her coat further across her body, as the wind blew harshly in her face; cold and damp.
She stopped at the rail for just a moment feeling the motion of the ship and in the distance, she could see what appeared to be land. Was it New York? She felt content. The lights...it was a place when she first started this trip that she was dreading the site of and now as she faced her home, she couldn't help but wish she was already there with her feet upon solid ground.
Just over a week ago she had boarded the Titanic as the fiancé of a millionaire's son. Her life had been lavish, money was the centre of everything and she had sacrificed her own happiness for that of her mothers, to ensure the family name was respectable. A week later she couldn't comprehend the events; she was leaving her former life to live freely with a man she had known barely a week.
Rose was no longer engaged to be married. The dreaded wedding would no longer take place. Caledon Hockley would no longer be the cause of such misery in her life. Her Mother would have a home to go back to, but whether or not she would afford the bills were unknown...but Rose could not live her life on her Mother's wanting. What life would that be for her? If Ruth DeWitt Bukater wanted the lavish life, then damned if Rose was paying for it with her own life. Her Mother would have to pay her own way, to earn it herself. As a woman should be able to do. Why should a man be the one in charge of the affairs?
As she grasped the rail, her watery eyes watched the lights in the distance; they appeared to be still. Perhaps it was land or just another ship...but she knew then that whatever was in front of her; she would survive it. Even without Jack by her side, Rose would find a way to live freely. Behind her, she would shed her former self and leave it with the grave of the Titanic and take with her just the lessons learned and the memory of what it felt like to be suffocated, abused and controlled.
Even now, alone, just taking a sigh of relief felt unweighted and standing in the harsh ice wind felt beautifully freeing.
As free as how she felt within Jack's arms, how they circled her waist and how his kiss made her every sense soar, miles above the ocean as though she was a bird taking a great flight above the waves. How was it that only he made her feel that way? The notion was new to her; yes, it felt the way a fairy tale romance should and even though her innocence in the ways of the world shone through, Jack was honest, reliable and trustworthy. He was handsome, caring and...loving.
Her teeth chattered as another icy wind hit her. It caused her senses to dash about and whirled her hair about her face, sending it whipping around as it came. Once it died down, it seemed to have stripped away some of the last remainders of her old self. The stress which she had carried within her chest for as long as she could remember had gone away, leaving a clear and untarnished path for her to follow into whatever life on land would hold for her.
Jack would wait for her to step off the ship with him. As friends, or perhaps lovers? The latter caused her to shiver. His kiss had awakened something within her. Something which she knew was the beckoning of womanhood which she had yet to experience. Dry land would open doors for the pair of them; good or bad? One was yet to find out, but there was a longing to step into her destiny. Freely. With him.