In the end, The Three Jokers were able to come to a mutual agreement with the ninja assassin and film director Martin Scorsese. In exchange for giving him the Cure for the Coronavirus, they would get to keep their lives. He stiffed them on the payment, but it was no biggie, because the loot they looted from Wayne Manor in Chapter 6 was more than enough to satisfy them for the time being.
That was one week ago. So this was one week later.
Martin Scorsese released the Coronavirus Cure, and had become the hero of the world. Using his newfound fame and influence, he was able to influence the UN to give him the rights to all superheroes and thus superhero movies and other media ceased to be - except for the ones that could be reimagined as gangster stories. Scorsese finally won the war against Marvel (and DC too I guess). The nerds of course were upset but the rest of the world had finally had it with their shit and had gotten back to shoving the nerds into their natural habitat – the lockers, this time throwing away the combinations.
The decade of escalating influence and cultural acceptance in the mainstream for nerds that was the 2010s had proven that really they were no different from the jocks in toxicity, but at least the jocks had six packs and other muscles.
It was no biggie to the Mickey Mouse Corporation. They still had Star Wars to milk, because for all their whinging about prequels and sequels and the in-between, the fanatics would always be back for more. There were plenty animated films left to remake into live-action, and they probably already had a family friendly Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator cinematic universe in the works.
As for the Three Jokers, they had still been living together as three very good friends all this time. But all voyages, even the heat-forged friendships, must come to the end. And it seemed uncertain if it would be the good kind of end like the Enterprise sailing off into the space sunset or the bad kind of end wherein a bridge falls on Captain Kirk.
"What do you mean you guys are moving out?" Phoenix Joker said in disbelief as they sat at their kitchen table eating Pop-Tarts untoasted cause they were bad guys and drinking hot chocolate for breakfast. "I mean, life's gonna get back to normal. Eventually. Or as normal as America can be."
"That's just the thing, bro. Ooooooh, that burns so hot." Leto Joker said as he poured some hot cocoa on his dick, for some reason. "We only shacked up with you this long cause we couldn't risk bringin' back the Rona to our own universes."
"Now that we're cured… what's there to stick around for?" Ledger Joker shrugged as he broke his Pop-Tart in two. He ate the parts with the filling and set the crust aside. "No offense, Joaquin, but your just Joker universe is kinda boring. Jared's got like a whole universe of superheroes, and at least I got Batman."
"Well… can we at least go on one final adventure together? To strike a definitive blow against society? For friendship?" Phoenix Joker looked at his fellows with hope in his eyes. The other Jokers looked back at him, their minds flirting with consideration.
"Fuck no lol." Ledger Joker said almost instantly and ran out the door, without looking back for a goodbye.
"What about you, Jared? C'mon, bro, you and me. We're the New Jokers on the Block! Let's show this town a night it will never forget!" Phoenix Joker reached to the tattooed Joker who was staring down into his half-eaten pop tarts and cocoa-stained pants, like he was afraid of looking his fellow in the eye.
"Sorry, Joaquin… it ain't you… it's me." Leto Joker mumbled half-assedly. "You see, I been thinkin' bout what you said. How we only need each other and our video games, not women. But I think that's a load of baloney. Masturbation can only get a guy so far in life. Y'know, like the song goes – a maaaaaaan needs a womaaaaaan."
"You're leaving me – our video games and the friendship we made – for a woman?"
"A woman can like masturbate a guy for him. With her hands, with her mouth. It just feels less shameful than doing it yourself, y'know. And then, that's to say nothing of how a woman can actually fuck a man."
"Jared, guys can do that too!"
"Yeah, but it's gay when guys do it! I got nothin' against the gays, but I ain't gay!" Leto Joker waved his arms around frantically.
"You weren't like this in the last fanfic we did together! You suggested we jerk each other off, and we did!"
"That shit ain't canon to this one, bro!"
"Jared, don't you remember – your Harley left you!"
"That was cause I didn't have my pimpin' pimpmobile the Purple Lamborghini then. Now I got a new one with my share of our payday. Chicks dig the car, I got her back for sure." Leto Joker insisted, but it sounded like even he needed convincing on that part. Leto Joker moved to the door, but Phoenix Joker pushed him back into his seat.
"You're no alpha male with hussies hangin' off your arms, Jared! Stop pretending you are!"
"Mang, you're pretending that I'm pretending!"
"Well if you're such a tough alpha male, why did I catch you on Monday watchin' Grave of the Fireflies and weepin' like someone shot your mom?"
"THAT PROVES NOTHING!" Jared Leto's Joker punched a wall for emphasis. "I wasn't cryin', I was cold-sweatin' from my eyes! Cause, I was like totally porking a pint of Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream while I was watchin'! And brr was it cold!"
"Wait! That is my Ben & Jerry's! YOU DO WHAT TO IT?" Something almost left Joaquin Phoenix Joker's mouth, involuntarily.
"Yeah, I do. No regrets. That's why you don't need me to stick around, buddy. Gotta save what's left of the Americone Dream, bro." But even this still wasn't enough to convince the heartbroken Joker.
"Why, Jared, why? Why are you leaving me? You're my friend, my fellow Joker-in-deck! I need friends, man, otherwise society's gonna get me!" Phoenix Joker shook Leto Joker hysterically.
"Sometimes, bro, you gotta be cruel to be kind. I think now's one of those times." Leto Joker got up and pushed past his fellow Joker, to the door.
"You're lying!" Phoenix Joker tried to block the doorknob. "It's never kind to be cruel! American Foreign Policy propping up dictators, The War on Drugs, trickle-down economics, No Child Left Behind - they all proved that!"
"It ain't the end of the world, friend-o. You'll meet new friends someday."
"But I don't want new friends! New people are scary! It's hard to make bonds! I want the friends I already have and love! JOKER, YOU ARE TEARING ME APART!" Phoenix Joker let out an anguished wail before he collapsed like he'd been stabbed in the gut.
"Dude, seriously? A reference to that?" Leto Joker looked disappointed. He opened the door and stepped over the fallen Phoenix Joker.
This morning, there were three Jokers. Then there were two. And now there was one. Maybe by the end of the day there'd be none.
Heath Ledger's Joker found himself in a fancy high-rise penthouse part of town. He was meeting with the cheapest PS5 scalper he could find on the Internets, a man named Patrick. Patrick had insisted on doing the transaction in person, and normally, Ledger Joker's suspicion meters would've gone off but goddamn he really wanted the PS5.
Patrick was a sharp-dressed businessman, if bordering four decades outta date with his fashion sense. He seemed well-off for himself with all this fancy furniture lying about the place, Ledger Joker thought, so why did he feel the need to horde and resell PS5s for exorbitant prices? Perhaps the thrill of the power was just as sweet as the financial prizes.
There was something familiar about Patrick, Ledger Joker thought, as he sat down on a couch in the man's living room. But he couldn't quite place it. Still, the man seemed a hospitable enough host. There were free cigars and free booze. Even if he was taking his sweet time getting a PS5 to The Joker.
The booze had tasted of sweet honey-crisp apples and primrose that had bloomed gently in the black of night. It gave him a funny, laid-back feeling in his head and all-over. Ledger Joker let his guard slip as he relaxed. He looked to his right. Patrick was posing next to an elaborate sound system that had a big CD player, another relic of the past, hooked up to it.
Patrick flashed Ledger Joker a CD case. A familiar cover with a group of four bland white guys in front of a monocolor background.
"Tell me, do you like Weezer?"
"Eh, they're alright."
Patrick looked disappointed. But then his face shifted. Like he had prepared a whole shallow spiel about Weezer in case Ledger's Joker was anything less than a believer.
"Their early work was a bit too nerdy and naval-gazing for my tastes. But when The Green Album came out in 2001, I feel they finally hit their stride both artistically and commercially." Patrick explained.
Patrick strolled around the room, before he stepped off into a different room. Ledger's Joker was so drunk and high at this point that he didn't really care. Patrick, wherever he was, was continuing to orate about Weezer. Ledger's Joker was starting to drift into his own little world and he didn't hear too much of what Patrick was saying.
And this is totally not because the author of this fanfic has no idea how to analyze and write about music.
"Something something sound, something something professionalism, that really gives the songs a big boost." Patrick said. It sounded like he was getting dressed. And drinking water?
"Hey, Patrick, where the deuce is my PS5? I can reminiscence about the music from the good days in my own time." Ledger Joker asked as he looked behind him upon hearing Patrick reentering the living room. His vision was a bit blurred from the booze but he could tell that Patrick was wearing something large and black over his shoulders.
"They've been compared to the Pixies, Nirvana. Google said those when I googled similar bands to Weezer. But I think Weezer have a far more cynical, self-aware and poetic sense of humor."
"Man, I'm askin' ya – where PS5? I dyin for it, pretty boy."
"All in good time, friend Joker. All in good time."
"Hey, Patrick, is that like a cape or somethin'." Ledger Joker slurred. Was Patrick wearing Kevlar body armor or something too? What was that shape on his chest? The Joker was a bit too wasted to make it out clearly.
"Yes it is!" Patrick replied enthusiastically. Ledger Joker looked around. Come to think of it, why were there a bunch of newspapers on the floor? And what was all the furniture, including this very sofa, covered in tarps?
Patrick walked over to the CD player. He slid in a new CD and hit play. "In 2005, Weezer released Make Believe – their most accomplished album - and what I believe to be their undisputed magnum opus on an album filled with masterpieces: Beverly Hills. A song so catchy, most people don't listen to the lyrics. But they should!"
Patrick danced along to the music, which was very amusing to Heath Ledger's Joker.
"Listen to Rivers Cuomo as he sings 'Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be" in Beverly Hills. These succinct lines of verse bely a deeper meaning beneath their simplicity. You see the song's not just about the insatiable materialism and the self-destructive 'it's all about me attitude' that pervade the American Dream but also a deeply personal statement about the frontman himself." From where his voice was coming from, Patrick sounded like he was right behind The Joker. Then from outta nowhere, Patrick shouted. His voice had changed, like he had just smoked an entire factory's worth of cigarettes.
"HEY, JOKER!"
Heath Ledger's Joker turned around and saw Patrick had pulled something over his head. A black hood – no that wasn't the right word. Cowl, maybe. Stupid word, cowl. It rhymes with owl. And Artemis Fowl. Man, was that a shitty movie or what? And on top of the cowl were little tiny points. Like horns or ears on some kind of animal. Maybe a goat? He then saw Patrick was holding an axe in his hands.
And suddenly, Heath Ledger's Joker realized that this person in front of him probably wasn't Patrick at all. It was Batman!
"OH WTF. How did you get here?" Heath Ledger's Joker said before Christian Bale's Batman began whacking him with the axe over and over again. The force of the blows sent him to the floor. Batman started murdering the Joker as Beverly Hills by Weezer played at full blast and drowned out the screams.
"I'M BATMAN, MOTHERFUCKER!"
"Owie owie owie!" Ledger Joker whined as the axe embedded itself over and over in his flesh. "There was never a PS5 here, was there?"
"LOL NO. YOU TOOK THE BAIT YOU STUPID SUCKER. JOCKS RULE GAMERS DROOL."
The axe split his head to the brain.
"C'mon, Batsy. Didn't I spend an entire movie pushing you to the edge so you could prove you don't kill? Don't kill me!" Ledger Joker pleaded.
"I'M NOT KILLING YOU. THE BLOOD YOU LOSE FROM THE WOUNDS I GIVE YOU IS KILLING YOU. YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF. LOLOLOL ROLFMAO." Batman laughed as he continued dismembering and splitting apart The Joker before him.
"Um… Martha?" Ledger's Joker suggested as a last resort.
"JOKER, WE'RE FROM A CHRISTOPHER NOLAN MOVIE. WHERE ALL WOMEN ARE NOTHIN BUT ONE DIMENSIONAL LOVE INTERESTS, DAMSELS, DEAD OR ALL OF THE ABOVE. MARTHA IS NOTHING TO ME."
"Fuck me!" Ledger's Joker cried before raising a middle finger in defiance. "Well fuck you and fuck Weezer too! They suck!"
"THAT DOES IT. TRY GETTING A PS5 NOW, YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARDAAAAAAAAAARGH." Christian Bale's Batman chopped off the bird and then finished making The Joker's kill himself with bloodloss. Afterwards, he sat back down on the couch covered in Joker's blood and lit himself a cigarette while the CD Player switched over to Perfect Situation. Watching Heath Ledger's Joker's corpse for a while, he then pulled out his Batphone and dialed a number.
"HEY BATFLECK, IT'S ME. YOU WANNA GET FIVE GUYS LATER?"
"WHAT THE FUCK? YOU WANNA GET IN-N-OUT INSTEAD? HELL NO. FIVE GUYS IS BETTER."
"BATFLECK, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BURGERS ARE BETTER AT IN-N-OUT? BURGERS ARE JUST A SIDE DISH, FRIES ARE THE REAL MAIN COURSE IN THE FAST FOOD. HOW'D YOU SUPPOSE IT'S ALWAYS THE BURGER KINGS THAT CLOSE BEFORE THE MCDONALDS WHEN THE ECONOMY GOES BUST? AND YOU DON'T GOTTA DROWN FIVE GUYS FRIES IN SAUCE AND CHEESE TO MAKE 'EM EDIBLE EITHER. WE'RE GOING TO FIVE GUYS AND THAT'S FINAL."
Of course it had to be raining. This was supposed to be a sad scene in the narrative, it just wouldn't be as effectively sad if the sun was out and a-shining. Joaquin Phoenix's Joker was leaving the building where his weekly Social Justice Group meetings were held. This week the latest target of their cancellation culture was interracial marriage.
"Loving v. Virginia is problematic. Marrying a different race is like totally like self-hatred of your own and a celebration of white male supremacy. Segregation is woke, actually!" So said the white SJW leader as they talked over actual minorities in the room, before they went to tweet this "wisdom" on their verified Twitter account. The fact that that many interracial marriages had minorities as the man or didn't involve whitey at all didn't seem to be considered.
"Now let's move onto our next item on the agenda: martial arts. Have you ever thought like non-Asian people doing martial arts is like totally cultural appropriation and that's like problematic! We should only let Asians learn 'em, amirite? But well, I also had a realization - there's like a stereotype that Asians know martial arts and that's so problematic too! Martial arts are just problematic! Ugh, we ought to cancel the UFC and the MMAs and the karate kids and all of 'em!" The SJW leader bellowed.
It was then Phoenix Joker sighed and left. He had heard enough. It seemed social justice had been too deeply infiltrated by performative nutjobs. You just couldn't tell these days who actually cared and who just wanted the likes on social media. Maybe Tumblr had done to people on this side of the aisle what Facebook and Fox News did to conservative old people.
Phoenix Joker thought of something Leto Joker had ranted to him about once, how in every bleeding heart liberal there exists a frothing fascist just waiting to cut loose. He had asked what gave him the grounds to make that kind of accusation, and Leto Joker had replied that it was something he knew from the heart.
Thoughts of his friends, his fellow Jokers, just abandoning him like he was a flip phone kept running through his head. Phoenix Joker was just down, down everywhere. He took out his portable radio and tuned into Gotham's The Needle Drop, the station that always plays a song that conveniently matches (and sometimes very badly don't match) the current situation.
The song they were currently playing was "The End of the World" by Skeeter Davis.
He was walking sadly to where he had parked his car, with his shoulders sadly slumped, when suddenly a police bar blaring its siren and flashing its lights smacked into him as he crossed the street.
"What the fuck, pigs? You wanna fuck with me? C'mon, I'll make Canadian bacon outta you!" The Joker screamed in a barely coherent rage as he scrambled up. He then pounded angrily on the hood.
The police officers got out of their vehicle. The Joker threw some awkward, predictable haymakers at them. The cops laughed and began beating the Joker with their nightsticks until he had fallen to the ground in a broken wreck.
Then they peed on him.
Jared Leto's Joker hadn't expected it to feel so weird, being back in his home universe. Even though he had spent a lost year in the parallel Earth that Joaquin Phoenix's Joker called him, Leto's Joker hadn't anticipated such a feeling of non-belonging. Like everything had moved on and left him behind while he was gone.
He drove through jammed Gotham streets in his shiny new Purple Lamborghini, blaring NWA. The Joker sang along to the lyrics, but made sure not to say the N-Word when those parts came. It seemed some of those talks about social justice that he had with his other Earth's counterpart rubbed off on him.
"Maybe I should've stayed a bit longer… but we couldn't have. The only way we coulda stayed together if there was some big convoluted stupid DC Comics event that merged all our multiverses together into one Earth, one timeline. And let's be honest – that kinda crap just creates more problems than it solves." Leto's Joker muttered under his breath, looking directly at the reader after he finished the sentence.
It had been a dick move, bailing on a friend like that. But he had been eager to get back home, back to his life. But now that he was back, he was wondering why he had been in such a rush to get back. There was no place like home, so they said. But there those like the nomads, the wandering ronin, who made new homes.
"Eh, I'm sure I'll be back to feeling a-okay after some good Harley revvin'." Leto's Joker drove back to his pad and parked his ride. As soon as he hopped out of his Lambo, he heard footsteps. Very feminine footsteps.
"Well, well, well." Said a voice that sounded a lot like Margot Robbie. "Look who decided to come crawlin outta da gutter at last."
From the shadows of a nearby alleyway emerged an angry looking blondie, her hair done in short pigtails, dressed in a yellow jumpsuit. Ah, his old flame Harley Quinn. Though she definitely didn't look as hot as she did back in the Academy Award winning Suicide Squad.
"Harley! Am I glad to see you!" Leto's Joker ran up to her with his arms open.
"So am I, Joker! So I could do this!" Then without warning, Harley Quinn swung her big mallet into his nuts.
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYY." Leto's Joker cried, his lips puckering like a lemon had been shoved down his throat. Harley Quinn then smashed the side of his head with the mallet, knocking him down.
Harley Quinn then stuck some fingers in her mouth and whistled shrilly. From the shadows emerged other women from the pages and screens of DC Comics: Black Canary as portrayed by the lovely Jurnee Smolett-Bell, Huntress as portrayed by Mary Elizabeth Winstead gracefully aging from cute girl next door to a still gorgeous thirtysomething, and "Cassandra Cain" a half-Chinese character portrayed by a Filipina actress because all Asians still look alike to Hollywood producers I guess. It's no fault of the actress, she did great with the material given.
And Ewan McGregor as the Black Mask, who was a much better acted villain than Jared Leto as The Joker.
"My solo movie, The Birds of Prey, bombed cause of your stinkin' shit Suicide Squad taintin' it just by association! We coulda had sequels, spin-offs on HBO, but fat chance of any of that happenin' now, thanks to you!" Harley Quinn ranted. "Now you're gonna pay, ya tattooed jackass!"
Harley Quinn and her pals all proceeded to beat on The Joker while he was down.
"Help!" The Joker cried before Harley Quinn stomped on his head. Getting beaten up by hot women and Ewan McGregor was way less hot than it was in his fantasies at night.
"Did someone say help?" Said a voice that sounded like Will Smith. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked to see Will Smith as Deadshot from Suicide Squad leading the other characters from Suicide Squad. "Sure, Harley, we'll help you fuck this motherfucker up!"
"Help yourselves!" Harley Quinn laughed as everyone began beating up the Joker again.
"[OFFENSIVE SLUR], you ruined our movie! James Gunn didn't call half of us back for the sequel!" Deadshot ranted as he pistol-whipped The Joker.
"And he's probably gonna kill everyone not named Harley in the other half for lulz! Ya blasted drongo, it's all your fault! Bleed, ya bleedin' piker, bleed!" Captain Boomerang added as he stabbed The Joker in the back with several boomerangs.
"I died in the first one so I don't even got sequel stakes but you suck and I don't mind pilin' on the dog!" Slipknot, the man who can climb anything with the power of climbing, began strangling The Joker with his rope. That he uses for climbing.
Jared Leto's Joker couldn't believe this was happening. He hadn't expected a grand reception upon returning home, because he was the criminal mastermind The Joker after all, but to be scapegoated for DCEU woes and set upon by an angry mob like this? That hadn't been in the goddamn cards!
The pain was so overwhelming it was becoming numb. All swirled into a sludgy haze as the blood ran wild.
His lover had rejected him definitely. His old friends were his enemies. In his delirious, beaten state The Joker thought about the many great cinematic romance films for bros. Such as David Lynch's Wild at Heart. Tony Scott's True Romance. Michael Mann's Miami Vice. Sion Sono's Love Exposure. John Woo's The Killer. Wong Kar-Wai's Fallen Angels. Roger Avery's The Rules of Attraction. Rainer Werner Fassbinder's The Marriage of Maria Braun. Alex Cox's Sid and Nancy. And the best of them all, Joel Gallen's Not Another Teen Movie.
Maybe Top Gun too, but Top Gun was kinda gay. Was The Joker gay? Uh, scratch that.
It was what he was expecting to live when he got back with Harley.
"Damn, I thought gettin' back together with you would be one big Hollywood love story." Leto's Joker groaned as he looked up at Harley Quinn before she stomped on his face again.
"But whatever love there was between us, babycakes, there's only hate now." The Joker tried to say through broken teeth.
Some of his attackers had moved on to trashing his beloved Purple Lamborghini. One of the hits activated the radio, and tuned it to Gotham's The Needle Drop, a convenient and sometimes inconvenient radio station that stretched across multiverses.
The song was Love Hurts. The bloody haze of his vision cleared to "Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks." It was heavy-handed and stolen from Rob Zombie's Halloween movies, but subtlety and originality are for little mop bitches. A shining hallucination in gold, heralded by horn-blowing and harp-playing angels, formed itself right in front of Leto Joker's eyes. It was his You. The other half of his great bro romance.
It was time to unscratch Top Gun.
Suddenly, the strength rushed back into his body. He sprang up in a flash. Swinging his arms out wide, The Joker threw all his assailants off of him. Then gathering all his spirit, he let loose with a great shout the name of his true love as a massive erection sprang to life against the constraints of his pants.
"JOKEEEEEEEEER!"
"Keep your goddamn critically acclaimed box office flop, Harley. You need it more than I do." Leto Joker said his farewells to his one-time love. He shoved Harley Quinn aside and beelined into his Purple Pimpmobile. As he ignited the engine, he gave one last word to his world: "Me, I finally learned something I shoulda learned a long time ago – bros before hoes. Love hurts, but friendship is magic."
The Joker backed his ride out of the driveway, with his haters angrily pounding on the sides and windows of his car. He rolled down the windows, and flipped them all off.
"So what if we have the same mother!" Jared Leto's Joker sang, referring to DC Comics/the Warner Brothers. "Tonight, I'm gonna fuck my brother!"
"Gross!" Harley Quinn and everyone else made disgusted faces. Deadshot even vomited inside of his helmet.
"And gay! Eeee-yuck." Black Mask waved the air in front of his nose. Whatever respect they might've had for their Joker evaporated, not that there had been much to begin with.
"And you know what gay means – fucking happy, that's what." Jared Leto's Joker waved them off. "Chew on that, ya sweet tarts."
The Joker then drove off, back to the Multiverse Portal that had brought him home. But this was home no longer. It was time to make a new one.
Meanwhile, back in his Earth, Joaquin Phoenix's Joker looked out the window of a cop car with melancholy etched in his face. He was cuffed and stuck in the back, while the cops in the front laughed and jeered at his misfortune. It wasn't the end of his world, but he could see it from here.
"Ha ha Joker you are finally ours and we didn't even need a Batman to do it!" The cop in shotgun said with mockery.
"Boy oh boy, will you be gettin' the meatball sub special tonight!" The driver added with a snort. He turned back to look at Joker to mimic dick sucking at him, which explains why he did not see the Purple Lamborghini headed their way for a full-on collision.
"COWABUNGA!" Jared Leto's Joker screamed as the force of the crash shot him through the windshield of his car and towards the cop car. Whipping out two Magnums, he fired bullets to shatter all glass in front of him, while simultaneously perforating the two cops until they were more holes than flesh.
The wreck of the cop car and Lamborghini skidded to a stop. Surfing on the hood of the cop car, Jared Leto's Joker blew smoke from his guns before holstering them with a twirl. Behind them, traffic piled up in crashes and explosions.
"Jared! You came back! But why?" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker asked as Jared Leto's Joker gently took him out of the back of the car and shot his handcuffs off. The crash had left him a little bumped and bruised, but nothing that wouldn't heal in time.
"Shush. And listen." Jared Leto's Joker took out his smartphone, and began playing a tune over Spotify with volume at max.
The Joker then began to sing to The Joker.
"Love me tender, love me sweet~"
Leto's Joker scooped Phoenix's Joker up, holding him in his arms.
"Never let me go~"
"Um, what's goin' on?" Phoenix's Joker was completely lost as the other Joker began to gently sway him like a branch in a breeze.
"You have made my life complete, and I love you so~"
Leto Joker continued singing Love Me Tender to Phoenix Joker.
"Love me tender, love me true~
All my dreams fulfill~
For my darling, I love you~
And I always will~"
The Joker looked deeply in The Joker's eyes when he finished.
"Be my lover, be my friend - I don't care. As long as we're together – I ain't damaged." The damaged Joker put a palm on his tattooed forehead and when he peeled it away he revealed a new rub-on tattoo above Damaged. "I'm Not."
"But your girlfriend… what about her? And the life you have back in your universe!" Phoenix Joker said as Leto Joker set him down.
"They were what my head told me I needed… but I listened to my heart. And my heart told me what I needed more than a girlfriend, who would love me more than a lover, was a real friend." Leto Joker formed a heart with his hands.
"That barely makes sense, Jared."
"Hey, but neither does the world. Yet somehow, we keep on hangin' on." The Jokers found their hands had worked into a position of holding, longer than they had ever held anything. "Who says you need common cents to buy into happiness? Happiness is the eye of the beholder, and before me I behold my happiness. Joaquin, my bro, I'll even watch Star Trek for you."
"You would? Really?" Phoenix Joker couldn't believe it. Yet his heart beat so, swelling with hopes against hope. One might say The Joker had faith, faith of the heart.
"You betcha. Let's warp home and hit up that Netflix." At that moment, The Jokers embraced in the wind as the burning police car and Lamborghini finally exploded behind them.
"Uh, how we gonna get home? Your ride's gone."
"Joaquin, bro, you don't play GTA since Vice City and not pick up a few tricks."
A while later The Jokers were on the way home in an open-top Camaro. Jared Leto's Joker drove while Joaquin Phoenix's Joker was in shotgun, playing Super Mario 3D All-Stars on his Switch.
"I really ought to stop letting Nintendo sucker me outta my money like this. It ain't too much bang for the buck." Phoenix Joker sighed as he collected Shine Sprites in Sirena Beach. "But damn that forced scarcity really just turned my knees to jello. And I gotta admit, it's nice bein' able to play these classics without havin' the dust off the good 'ol boys."
"Hey, you able to reach Heath? I figure he coulda had a change of heart, like I did." Leto Joker asked. Oh, Heath Ledger's Joker did have a change of heart that these Jokers were unaware of, but it wasn't the change of heart that one came back from.
"Nah, he ain't picking up his cell. For all we know, he's probably back in Nolanland."
"Huh. Might as well put on some Gerard Way, so he can be with us in spirit." Leto Joker mused. "Now most of that MCR stuff was too two-thousands emo for my tastes, but Danger Days? Now that was a masterpiece. What a bang to go out on. Too bad I never brought the CD."
"Why don't we stop over at a record store and buy one now?"
"Are you kidding? Buying CDs ain't cool anymore. My rep's already shaky enough as it is. Vinyl's back in fashion, but I ain't got a player." Leto Joker refused. "Let's just tune into Gotham's Radio Needle Drop. I'm sure the DJ will be playing just what we need."
The radio was playing Brother from Gerard Way's solo album Hesitant Alien. The Jokers silently bopped their heads along to their beat, in remembrance of friends absent.
As the song winded down to a close, Leto's Joker saw something in the road ahead that chilled his blood and made him abruptly hit the brakes.
"Woah!" Phoenix's Joker, who had been stuck in one of those secret levels Shadow Mario dumps Mario in after stealing Mario's FLUDD, was thrown forward before being jerked back into his seat thanks to the seatbelt. "Jared, keep your eyes on the road."
"I did. That's why I stopped." Leto Joker said, his voice stone-cold.
Phoenix Joker put his game on pause and looked forward. "Jesus Pudding Poppin' Christ."
Up head, a massive roadblock had been set up. Police lights were flashing and sirens were blaring everywhere. Cops, the FBI, and the national guard were all lining up behind cover. But what was scariest of all were the sleek black cars and massive black tanks that were in the center of the roadblock. And in front of those black chariots of doom were men in black with pointy ears.
Could these be the infamous Batmen Phoenix Joker had heard so much about?
Indeed they were!
Holding an AR15 in one arm and a Five Guys strawberry milkshake in the other was Ben Affleck's Batman. Next to him enjoying a Five Guys bacon cheeseburger with all the fixings but mayo was Michael Keaton's Batman, with a bazooka and a pack of bubble gum in his lap. And leaning against the big black tank all casual like was Christian Bale's Batman, drinking the Five Guys Cajun Fries outta a cup.
There was also a new Batman climbing out a Batmobile that was like a sexy muscle car that very moment that the Jokers had never encountered before, who was in body armor like Bale's but even darker knighter. His skin sparkled in the dying sunlight of the sunset. It was Robert Pattinson's Batman from the upcoming The Batman. He was wielding semi-automatic pistols akimbo style.
Ben Affleck's Batman threw his milkshake over his shoulder before picking up a big megaphone. He snapped his fingers and a big spotlight shined on a very thin chalkline that had been drawn in front of the Jokers on the road. Presumably this was a threshold and crossing it would change everything.
"Hey, Joker. Feelin' lucky, punk? Well, we're gonna make you bleed. Then make you die. Go ahead, make my day."
Leto's Joker had his own megaphone ready, and he took it out of his pants.
"If it isn't my 'ol nemesis, Batman! I get why you and Keaton are here, you bad dudes substitute the blood of your foes for milk in your morning Cheerios. But why the fuck is Christian Bale's Batman here? He spent like an entire trilogy saying like "ooh la la oh I don't kill! How special am I!'"
Christian Bale's Batman took the megaphone from Batfleck. "I'M NOT GONNA KILL YOU JOKERS. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO SAVE YOU EITHER LULZ GITFUCKEDUFGTS."
"Shit. I knew he was gonna exploit that loophole again." Leto Joker said to Phoenix Joker, off the megaphone. He then put the megaphone back to his mouth. "What about Pattinson? We don't even know if he kills cause his movie ain't even out!"
"I just want to belong." Battinson shrugged before Batfleck tossed him a fast food bag like the passing of the torch. "Cool, is this Five Guys for me? Thanks, Bat-Bros. You're the best. But wait – Five Guys? There's only four of us."
"Yeah. Kilmer and Clooney got into a big bitch-fight at brunch over who would get to represent Joel Schumacher's films." Keaton Batman explained as he finished his burger and burped. "They're both in the ER, last I saw."
"What even gives you the right to kill us?" Phoenix Joker yanked the megaphone from Leto's Joker. "We haven't done anything wrong!"
"WE DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER YOU!" Christian Bale's Batman screamed. "YOU'RE NOT A REAL JOKER WITH A REAL BATMAN, YOU KING-OF-COMEDY WANNABE."
"Tell that to the peeps who gave me a billion dollar box-office!" Phoenix Joker shot back.
"Aren't preemptive strikes just magical? If there's even a one-percent chance you Jokers are gonna get back to Jokerin', we Batmen gotta take it as an absolute and destroy you for good." Batfleck took the megaphone again.
"But who gave you permission? This can't be legal! We're still American citizens, we got rights goddamit!" Phoenix Joker insisted.
At that moment, a Limo pulled to the Jokers blasting Hail to the Chief. The window pulled down to reveal a familiar angry bloated orange face – the face of President Donald J. Trump, who wasn't taking the last days of his fetid reign easily.
"YOU STUPID JOKERS! I WAS COUNTING ON YOU TO GIMME THAT CURE! BUT YOU DIDN'T! NOW YOU'RE GONNA PAY! YOU'RE ALL GONNA PAY! I NEED BE PRESIDENTY MORE THAN SLEEPY JOE BUTTHEAD!" Trump wept. He then stuffed a McRib in his mouth before the window rolled back up and the limo turned around and drove off. "LUH-LUH-LUHOOOOOOOOSEEEERS!"
"Crumbs. That explains it." Phoenix Joker sighed. "Huh, we really shoulda waited until January 20 before we publicly gave the cure away."
"Yeah, hindsight's a bitch. And now we're gonna die." Leto Joker looked back at the Batmen, who were all impatiently tapping their feet and checking their Batwatches.
"We… we could always run." Phoenix Joker looked over the Batmen and their cohorts, and he didn't like how the odds were looking.
"Yeah, we could run. We'll never stop running." Leto Joker put the car in reverse and was about to back away. However as they did that Radio Needle Drop began to play Freebird.
Suddenly, Phoenix Joker felt compelled and put his hand on Leto's Joker without thinking. Holding the shift gear in their hands, Phoenix Joker moved the car back into drive.
"No, Jared, we've spent our whole lives running from society. Like your Japanese car- animes say, we gotta row row and fight the power." Leto Joker found himself looking into Phoenix Joker's eyes and he spoke where a magnificent fire blazed.
As Freebird played, The Jokers found themselves remembering their memories of better time past spent with each other and the friends that were no longer there. And how fitting that they went to the end with each other.
"We ain't gonna make it, ya know." Leto Joker pointed out. "There's four Batmans there and only two of us."
"So what? If someone's gotta die to show the people that they don't have to let the silver spooning one percent of society and their private 'law and order' Gestapo control their destinies, let it be us. Better to burn out, than to fade away." Phoenix Joker calmly said, his mind at peace, before looking at the reader. "But don't weep for us Jokers, because rock and roll will never die."
"Uh… aren't the two of riding into Batman's death trap exactly letting him control our destiny?" Leto Joker pointed out.
"Dude, you're ruining the moment. Now we gotta salvage it."
The two Jokers, hyped up on their emotions as the end drew near, closed their eyes and kissed.
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST." Christian Bale's Batman whispered as The Two Jokers did tongue. Battinson simply shrugged, he seemed to find the sight rather kinky by the way his body subtly composed itself in reaction.
"The SJWs are never gonna let us live this down." Batfleck sighed before motioning to the other Batmen and their army of goons. "Alright, boys, get locked and loaded."
"This is gunna be Bat-tastic." Keaton Batman blew a bubble and popped it, then loaded his bazooka.
Gunbarrels numbering in the millions trained on the Jokers.
"Vamos a matar, companero." One Joker said to the other.
"Vamos a matar, companero." The other Joker affirmed.
Phoenix Joker reached into the glove compartment and pulled out an M16 with a grenade launcher attachment. As Freebird hit a fever pitch instrumental Leto Joker lit a bong and took one last hit. He then slammed down on the gas and the car blasted over the chalk line towards the fate of two Jokers.
"Goodbye, cruel world." Phoenix Joker flipped the big bird and with M16 in hand, opened fire on the roadblock. From there arrived thunder and cataclysm.
Two Jokers, upon a road of fire, drove their way into hell to reunite with the fallen Third and from there they became legend.
The End (?)