Entry 9: Money Matters
How exactly am I supposed to respect Tony's financial limitations when I am directly responsible for his income? If Tony doesn't have the money to send Sam on a trip, it's because I don't pay him enough to send her. How am I supposed to watch him deny her something she deserves when it's in my power to see that she gets it?
I don't like this one bit.
I know Sam is not my daughter, and I know Tony is as financially well-off as anyone in his job could hope to be, but a part of me wants so badly to share everything I have with them. It broke my heart to nearly have to watch Sam miss out on a school trip because Tony couldn't come up with a measly $250. I have shoes that cost more than that!
If my father hadn't been wise enough, and able, to set up a trust fund for me, I never could have gone to the schools I did and then on to college. It's not Tony's fault he didn't have those same advantages. And my desire to help him is rooted in more than a simple sense of charity. I like him, and I like Sam, and I want to help him do as much as he can to give Sam that better life he moved here for. He is a spectacular father, and has worked so hard for all he has. If it's in my power to give a bit more, what's wrong with that?
What I learned though is that Tony may be able to work for a woman, and he may respect and even admire my success, but his macho, male ego kicks into high gear as soon as dollar signs enter the picture. Exactly what harm would it have done to let me pay for the trip? It infuriates me that he would rather sell the autographed baseball his father spent a year collecting signatures for rather than let me help. I remember how only a few months ago, he stood in his father's apartment holding back tears of pride as he told me about that ball. Is his pride that strong that he'd sacrifice such a valuable possession, and I don't mean monetarily valuable, for a weekend trip for his daughter? Thankfully, Sam had better sense.
However, to be perfectly fair, I guess I owe it to Tony to put myself in his position. He's not the type of person to make careless decisions. I guess his main argument would be that if he allows me give him money for Sam's ski trip, where does it stop? What if I then begin to pay for new clothes, extra-curricular activities, trips to the mall with friends? What happens when Sam asks me for something that Tony doesn't want her to have, but I do? I also know he wants to teach Sam not to expect to have things handed to her. Aren't I teaching Jonathan the same thing?
I know I pay Tony well, certainly well above the industry average, but it's well worth it and he earns every penny. And as much as I hate to admit it, he's probably right about this. I don't want money to be a boundary between us, but as long as he works for me, we're going to have to face the reality that there will be certain times when something happens that I can take part in, possibly with Jonathan and Mother, that he and Sam can't. It's going to kill me when it happens because we've been doing so much together, and I don't want that to stop. But as conducive as our situation is to fostering feelings of family, there are separate, distinct parent/child relationships, an employee/employer relationship, two pseudo-guardian relationships (Sam and me and Tony and Jonathan), and growing friendships, not the least of which is between Tony and me. But ultimately, I can't sign a permission slip for Sam, and Tony can't authorize medical treatment for Jonathan (heaven forbid). Those are the realities of our situation.
Tony is teaching Jonathan things that no money in the world can teach him; Sam is, in turn, getting a better education and a more privileged lifestyle; and we all are creating a more stable home environment than we'd have on our own, which, as clichéd as it sounds, is so much more important than a ski trip. Sam will never be my daughter, and my relationship with Tony, growing though it may be, is still predicated upon his employment here. As emotionally entwined as our lives are becoming, there will always be boundaries that will be respected and lines that won't be crossed. Money is only one of them.