Some wine tonight? My place after your shift?
Harry picked up a quill with a sigh, and scratched out a reply, claiming he was quite tired due to extra shifts lately. Maybe in a few days. He reattached the scroll to the eagle owl's leg, and sent it back to Draco.
Ron was watching him from the other side of the table, sipping a beer. His plate was empty. "Is that Malfoy's owl?"
Harry took another bite of his sandwich, not really feeling that hungry but needing time to decide how to reply. "Um, yes. You know we've been seeing each other, right?"
Rolling his eyes, Ron let out a scoff. "The whole world knows. Your first dates were covered by all the papers. But they haven't reported much for a while. Is it still going on?"
Hmmmm... good question. Harry shrugged a shoulder. "It's a bit different dating men instead of women, I think. Not that I'm that experienced with either."
"Different how?"
It was hard to put into words what he'd struggling to figure out himself. "Well, I think men are more comfortable having a casual relationship. They don't push for it to be more serious."
Ron chuckled, picking at the paper label of his beer. "Are you expecting him to propose or something?"
Harry let out a frustrated huff. "No, no, it's too soon for anything like that. I guess I'm not sure what he wants. Maybe it's just physical for him."
"Well, it's probably best you enjoy it while it lasts then. Get him out of your system. I think you've been a bit hooked on him since Hogwarts."
Harry was surprised at the remark, but tried not to show it. Ron thought Harry liked Draco back then? Had that been part of it?
There was no denying he had been attracted to Cho, and then to Ginny. Had liked kissing them, being with them. But Draco had always been on his radar. How often did he glance his way during meals or in classes? Fly against each other in games? Spy on his movements in the hallways? Had part of that been an attraction that he hadn't been self aware enough to understand?
He could recall thinking that those girls had been very pretty, and seeking out ways to be alone with them. He really couldn't remember having similar thoughts about Draco until the castle. Seeing him lying on a blanket in the sun after they had eaten, looking relaxed. He could remember noticing his skin, his eyes, his hair. Feeling the urge to touch him. It was mixed up with talking, and doing those silly things together, like skipping rocks. Hearing Draco laughing with him, instead of at him.
"Harry?"
The voice jarred him out of his thoughts, to find Ron giving him a bemused look. "Sorry, just feeling a bit confused about it all."
Ron shrugged. "Well, feel free to talk about anything. Ever since Charlie came out to the family a few years ago, I'm used to hearing about things like that."
"Thanks," Harry said, and meant it. Although strangers had sometimes shouted unkind things at him, his friends and co-workers had seemed unfazed when articles about dating Draco had first appeared. It relieved him of the need to come out more directly with them, in a way. It wasn't treated as a big deal by most people.
He doubted Ron would be much help here though. Should he seek out some gay or bi men? Charlie? Talk it out with them?
Sighing, Harry finished his drink. "I think I'll just go home. Feeling a bit tired."
...
Two days later, Draco was at the Ministry, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the main hall. He stood up as Harry was walking towards the floos, his normal route after his shifts.
Harry felt a surge of feelings at seeing Draco, a confusing mess of them. Excitement, his heart pounding a bit faster, wondering why he was there, and what he wanted. Attraction, as Draco looked very good in a teal dress shirt and black jeans. But also an urge to avoid him, make his excuses, and leave.
Maybe Draco saw this last emotion flit over Harry's face, because he pressed his lips together, stood a bit taller, and walked briskly to him. "You've been avoiding me."
The direct statement took Harry completely off guard. He searched Draco's eyes, and could see the determination there, plus maybe a bit of hurt. It said a lot that he could read him better now than a few months ago. How many dates had he gazed at his face over a table at a restaurant, or at a bar or a game? How many times in a bed?
"No, no," Harry quickly said, searching for what to say next. He had been avoiding Draco. "I, um-"
"Save it. Gryffindors have nothing on Slytherins when it comes to lying," Draco snapped, and looped his arm through Harry's. He dragged him to one of the large fireplaces, and floo'd them to his place.
By the time Harry stepped away from him, brushing the floo powder from his clothes, Draco was practically spitting fire. "Tell me what the fuck is going on, Potter. You aren't leaving here until you talk to me."
Harry had rarely seen him looking so frustrated, and it raised similar emotions in him. A mess of unvoiced, unresolved stuff. "Do you really have no idea?"
Draco rolled his eyes, and paced around the room. "No! Things are going great! We are dating publicly, and no one seems to really care. We are getting along great, having fun. And suddenly it's lame excuse after excuse from you."
His skin was a bit flushed, his eyes burning with anger, and his hands were waving around. It was the complete opposite to the cool, remote Draco Harry had mostly seen in recent years.
"Having fun. Was that what we were doing?" Harry shot back, anger flaring inside him too.
His response had Draco narrowing his eyes, a bit surprised. "I seem to recall you enjoying yourself. Or were all those orgasms faked somehow?"
"The sex was good," Harry said, unable to deny it. Even now, he could feel a strong pull of attraction, seeing Draco like this, being in the flat where they'd had sex so many times. He turned away, moving to the window. Trying to slow his breathing and think more clearly. If they were going to talk this out, he needed to bring up what was bothering him.
"But...? Obviously there is something wrong, something-" Draco started, his anger fading, a pang of hurt coming through more.
Harry turned, leaning against the wall, feeling awful at the expression on Draco's face. They had come too far, done too much, for Harry to ghost him now. Leave without talking. Maybe whatever was happening would be the end to this fragile thing they had started, too much for what they had built up. It couldn't withstand much of a storm.
Sighing, Harry took a few steps forward. "I'm a bit confused. That's why I've needed some space."
"Confused about what?" Draco asked, coming a bit closer to look into Harry's face.
Harry swallowed hard. "Things were going good, dating, getting more comfortable with each other," Harry said, waving a hand in the air as he fumbled for the words. This was completely new and strange to him. Awkward as hell.
"But...," Draco prompted him.
"Some things concerned me. Made me wonder if I was more into this than you were," Harry confessed, the words coming out in a rush.
Draco dropped on to the sofa, his face turned away as he took in what Harry had said.
Eventually Draco turned his head to look at Harry. "What things gave you that impression?"
Harry could tell Draco was upset, barely holding it together. They had to get through this. Clear the air. He sighed, looking away. "How about after all this time, you still call me Potter? How am I supposed to take that?"
Draco blinked up at him, a bit stunned.
"And why do you want to tie me up most of the time? You say it's just a kink, but I wonder sometimes if you still don't really trust me," Harry continued, running his hands through his hair. "If the stuff from the castle or from before is still there, fucking things up. A dark shadow hanging over us."
Draco stood, walking over to Harry, looking a bit uncomfortable now. Had Harry said too much?
"Um, tying you up isn't about trust," Draco started, pausing as he looked for the right words. "I just find it, um..."
He looked very young like that, fumbling for what to say. Unsure, instead of his typical cocky demeanour. They were still virgins after all. Well, maybe.
"What?" Harry prompted.
"Hot," Draco said, stepping closer and giving Harry a light kiss. A test. When Harry didn't move away, a tight hug came next, and a kiss by Harry's ear. "Just seeing you like that. I think about it when we aren't together."
The words and the warm breath against his ear, plus Draco so close, had Harry very aware of how long it had been since they had been naked together. How good it was. "What else do you think about?"
Draco chuckled lightly, no doubt noticing that Harry's voice had been a bit rough. He gently bit Harry's earlobe, flicking his tongue over the trapped skin. Savouring Harry's gasp. "Hmmmm... gags, ropes, paddles, whips. All sorts of naughty things. Would you let me try them on you?"
It took a lot, but Harry shook his head, stepping away. "Everything is getting mixed up together. I think we need to be able to be together without any of that stuff before we experiment more." He was still breathing fast, and tried to push down his baser urges.
"Potter...," Draco groaned, sounded annoyed now, and putting a hand on his shoulder.
That he used that name after Harry had said it bothered him felt like a slap to the face. "No," he said firmly, stepping away from Draco's touch. "I need to feel more comfortable with how we are. As a couple. Not just some guy you have kinky sex with."
...
The shower was maybe a bit too hot, but Harry didn't care. He had been shaking, feeling a bit cold, when he had floo'd home. And if his face was a bit wet, it was just from the shower, right?
Again and again, Draco's face flashed through his mind. That frozen, hurt expression. The way his eyes seemed to dim, his posture slump.
And Harry had just left. Spun on his heel and marched over to the fireplace. Escaped. Only to be haunted by every second. Replaying it over and over in his mind.
Fuck.
...
-A/N: Talking it out a bit, but not doing that great a job of it...