8

James told his chums all about it while they were walking from one class to the next.

"There were these clowns. I don't know where they came from. Just came in on unicycles when I was watching the telly. In retrospect, it might even have been all that acid."

"That is weird!" said Sirius. "Was it scary?"

Hiccup.

"I'm not a fan of clowns to begin with. But they chained me to an iron dungeon and threatened to take my eyes out. Somehow they made me realize, that maybe clowns aren't so scary after all."

"I'm glad! And... I suppose you didn't find a litlle surpriiiise? In your bed?"

"Oh, the chicken head? How did you know about that?"

"You found what? A chicken head? In your bed? Was it bloody?"

"No. It was plucked, and sort of looked like it came from the abattoir. It was covered in worcestershire sauce."

"It was blood!"

"I certainly thought so at first. It looked very real. When I see blood it really makes my head go woo. I accidentally got a taste of it and it was worcestershire sauce. I wonder if that's what fear is. Could fear make my head go woo?"

"Yeah I think fear can definitely make ones head go woo."

"Hm." Hiccup. "Then I guess I must have a fear of low blood sugar levels."

James was shouting out party invites as they were walking. He had been doing that all day. His party was going to be awesome.

"It's going to be a gas! I'm invting everyone. Except for Slytherins of course. Nobody cares about that other party now because everyone's coming to mine! I'm telling you uncle Egbert has everything to cover all my party needs."

"Great," said Sirius as he watched two Cool Kids walk by. "Your party sounds lame."

The Cool Kids heard that and began to whisper amongst eachother, to James's horror.

"What did you say THAT for!"

"Um, sorry! What I meant to say was: What a shame. I wish we could be there. But we can't, because of our hemogoblins."

"Well watch what you're saying! If you go around calling my party lame nobody is going to come!"

"YOUR PARTY SOUNDS AWESOME! HAPPY NOW?" Excessive winking.

"It's like you're trying to ruin my party but why would you want to do that?"

"Look I'm sorry! It's my damaged hemogoblin. It makes me say weird things."

"Your party sounds cool!" said Remus.

James was on the verge of screaming.

"Don't SAY that!"

"Why not?"

"If you say my party sounds cool, people will think it's going to be lame!"

"I can't say your party sounds cool?"

"No it'd be like my grandmother saying my party sounds cool!"

"Or a brickhouse inspector," said Sirius. "They're SUCH nerds. What are you doing to my hot sweet backside? Or a picnic basket sniffer, or an impersonator of old ladies, or a..."

"Exactly Padfoot," said James. "Seriously guys do I honestly have to ask you to watch what you say when we're in a public space and literally everyone can hear us? UGH it's like you don't even CARE! Look over there, two grade 7 witches that I know are cool and popular. I'm going to invite them!"
Sirius grabbed Remus by his wrists so he'd stop pinching his hot sweet backside.

"Gloria Hill and Donna Gregory? THEY'LL NEVER WANT TO GO TO YOUR LAME PARTY!"
"YOUR PARTY IS GOING TO BE SO FUN!" Peter cried.

At his wits end, James grabbed Sirius by the collar and shoved him against the wall. Then he left to charm Gloria Hill and Donna Gregory, forbidding Peter to follow him.

"No. Stay. No. Noooo. Staaaay."

To Winner he only had to say no once. (How he missed that son of a Bichon Frisé.)

Sirius rubbed his hot sweet backside.

"Nobody is going to that party now. Have you thought about what we should do?"

"I have," said Remus.

"Well you shouldn't have bothered because your ideas are rubbish. Now I made a list of nasty things:"

Unfold list.

"Ants. Rats. That's all I got. Let's pour fleas all over him!"
"I suppose that's an alternative."

"It's the ONLY alternative!"

"Have you heard about the Japanese lard beast?"

"I have now."

"It's a walking lump of faceless lard that stinks. But if you eat it, you wll be granted eternal youth."

"That's nice. Have you heard about the Filipino winkydink?"

"No what's that?"

"It's a walking rump that eats other rumps. If you eat it, your rump will get a beautiful singing voice."

"I believe you are making that up."

"Actually scratch the fleas because I don't want to catch fleas. Think! Must be some way we can scare him shitless!"
"I've been trying very hard to come up with something that could give Prongs the heeby jeebys."

"Honestly don't bother and just leave it to me. Unless of course, you got a heeby jeeby in your pants?"

"I don't."
"I'd like to go to Japan sometime. Or the Philippines. Hang on. Philippines. Feel-a-penis. Heureka! I have cracked it! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Probably not. That's never happened."

"There's a first for everything! Think! What would scare Prongs shitless? If he lost his willy! Would that frighten you?"

"If Prongs lost his willy?"

"You know bloody well that is not what I meant."

"He's the one that's meant to be frightened."

"It's brilliant! You can't deny that!"
"How are you going to make his willy disappear?"

"Easy! Sex-change potion!"

"Hm."

"I know, right!"

"Wouldn't that come with... added benefits?"

"You could be onto something. Yeah... he'd have a field day fondling himself. And he already has that. Oh! I know! What if his willy became microscopically small?"

"Hm."

"I know what you're thinking. How would that differ from how his willy is now?"

"Do you have any idea that doesn't involve his willy?"

"A chap treasures his willy more than anything! Is there anything you treasure more than your willy?"

"I really treasure you?"

"I really treasure you too, Moo! Would you sacrifice your willy to save my life?"

"Now when you say 'sacrifice'..."

"It means to give up and never get back!"

"There are probably... reconstructive potions..."

"There aren't!"
"There are!"

"Would you let somebody hack it off with a blunt knife-"

"This conversation is making my head go woo."

"Mine too."

They both had to sit down for a bit.

"I think your idea is probably unbeatable," said Remus. "Definitely better than anything I got. All I had was, I just thought it would scare him if everybody hated his party and left."
"That might also do it. Do you have fairy that ruins parties?"

Roy walked by, flashing a smile.

"Hey chaps! Hoping to see you at the party!"

"Do you have a fairy that ruins parties?" Sirius asked again.

"A fairy that ruins parties? Maybe as a consequence."

"Awesome. That's plan B. Do you have a fairy that eats willys?"

"No."

"Do you know where there are fairies that eat willys?"

"No."

"Are there fairies that eat willys?"

"Not that I know of. Never heard of such a fairy."

"Come on, think! There has to be SOMETHING that eats willys!"
"All I can think of is Casilda."

"What's a Casilda?"

"There once was a young woman called Casilda. She would go and bathe naked in the lake. This bloke liked to watch her, when she was naked in the lake. She said to him: Stop peeping on me, please. He said: I have to warn you, your husband is cheating on you with your mother. Casilda ran back to her house and caught her husband in bed with her mum. Absolutely furious she stabbed them both to death with a machete. Her mother, with her dying breath, cursed Casilda. She said: When you die, you will wander the land, seeking out chaps that have peeped on naked ladies and offer them your body. And after you have done that, you will devour their hello sailor."

End of story.

"Is that it?"

"Yes that's it."

"That was a great story, Moo! Your best one so far, because it had sex in it!"
"I did not invent that story."

"Now that's a story I really think could give Prongs the heeby jeebys! Where does it take place?"

"It happened in Venezuela."

"No, Venezuela is no good. Too far away. Let's make it Hogsmead."

"Ok."

"The Casilda, right?"

"It's not the Casilda. It's just Casilda."

"La I like how that sounds. We should decide, if there are more Casildas?"

"Were you not listening?"

"Yeah, yeah, some bloke peeped on a girl when she was naked and her husband was shagging her mum. Does everybody, who are peeped on, and then kill their mums, because their mums shagged their husband, do they all become Casildas?"

"There's only one Casilda."

"Ok but what I wonder is, are there actual penis eating ghosts that you based her off?"

"I based her off Casilda."

"Hey I know! Let's go and find out if there is such a thing as ghosts that eat penises!"