Shikamaru moved his king before giving his father a tentative look.
Shikaku Nara had always had a relaxed face when he played Shogi with his son. While one would think that a day of tactical work would lead to a form of relaxation without thinking, the Nara clan head always relaxed by running circles around his son with a game of Shogi.
Except he usually did this with a 12-year-old genin, not a chunin who'd already taken down an S-class ninja and fought in a war.
Shikamaru smiled nostalgically as his father's brow creased and his breathing changed. He'd made the same face the first time Shikamaru had beaten him in a game. Shikamaru had identified it as his, 'I may lose, but I won't make it easy for you' face. He liked to imagine it was the same face he made before he died and communicated his final plan to them.
Shikamaru smiled at that before he remembered Sasuke's instruction. He needed to experience extreme emotion. Relaxing with his dad was not what he should be doing. And yet…
Shikaku finally moved his piece. Shikamaru knew he could beat him in five moves.
He snuck another glance at his dad, trying to memorize his face as he did so. Who knew when this genjutsu would finally be over and done with?
Eventually, Shikamaru won. It didn't feel as good as when he'd done it the first time. But just being able to be with his father meant the world to him.
Now, if only the downside wasn't so annoying.
"Gomenasai musuko." Shikaku said. "My Keikaku was no match for your Keikaku." He smiled.
Shikamaru nodded dumbly. It couldn't get any worse.
"Daijoubu. How about another game?"
Shikamaru opened his mouth to respond.
"Shikamaru-kun! Ohayo!" Ino's voice cried out.
Shikamaru almost rolled his eyes out of his head in apprehension before looking at the girl who was walking up to them. Then he fell out of his chair in shock.
Ino's hair was somehow even blonder than normal. She was in a gaudy hot pink tank top with a tiger skin jacket loosely hanging off of her shoulders, a jeweled cap she wore backwards and an absurdly tight black skirt. But most shocking was the fact that her skin had a brown, almost burnt color to it. It looked ridiculous on the 12-year-old.
Ino took the lollipop out of her freakishly red lips. "Nani is the matter Shikama-kun?"
Shikamaru looked around for help.
"Ino-san, leave him be." Choji said.
Shikamaru looked at his best friend, though he had a feeling it would not provide him with any comfort.
Choji was wearing a white jacket, pants and hat. And covering every inch of his clothing were drawings of girls in what could only be described as the throes of ecstasy.
His jaw dropped.
"Aww," Ino said. "You look so Kawaii Desu with that dumbfounded expression, Shikama-kun."
Shikamaru blinked. "Why…are you wearing that?"
Ino looked down. She looked back at him. "Nani ever do you mean?"
Shikamaru shook his head. "Whatever. So, why are you guys here?"
Ino shook her head. "Shikama-kun, you're such a NEET. You should get out more. We're here to take you out."
Every bone in Shikamaru's body told him to run. But Sasuke had said that extreme emotions made tracking him easier. "And where do you propose we go?" He asked.
"To a barbecue." Choji said simply. "Don't you naruhodo, Baka?"
And now his curiosity was peaked. "Okay," he said. He looked at his Dad. "Is it okay if I…"
The man was gone. So was the Shogi board.
"Where did he go?" Shikamaru asked.
"Probably overseas for a business meeting." Choji answered.
Shikamaru stared at the boy. Then he looked back at where his father had been before taking a deep breath.
Choji shrugged. "Gomenasai."
"Soto ni ikou," Ino said, spinning on her heal. "I wonder if Sasuke-kun will be there. He makes my heart go doki doki. I wonder if he'll look at my oppai. Sakura has no oppai, unlike me, though my oppai are very kawaii moe. Though that may mean Sasuke-kun is a hentai. Could I go out with a hentai? Will he want to see my pantsu? I want to be seen as more Kawaii than Ecchi. Anata wa sore ga ri ni kanatteiru to omotte kore o gūguru shimashita ka?"
Shikamaru facepalmed. This would be harder than expected.
/
Sasuke stared at the fake Naruto. If he didn't know better, he'd have said that he had even more chains on him. At least he wasn't trying to kill him anymore. Maybe.
He glanced around the training ground observing potential escape routes.
"I totally beat you."
"Yup."
"It was a massacre."
"Sure was."
"I am superior to you in every way,"
"Whatever you say."
"Now your life's goal is forever unfulfilled."
"Of course it… wait. What?" Sasuke blinked.
"I have beaten you, and you will now spend the rest of your life futilely trying to regain your position at number 1."
Sasuke blinked in confusion. "Do you think being stronger than you is my life's goal?"
Naruto nodded like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"You aware of my broth…" Sasuke stopped talking.
Itachi was alive in this genjutsu.
Suddenly Ino's actions made more sense.
"What about your brother?"
Sasuke stared at the genjutsu construct.
"Sasuke."
Sasuke glanced at Kiba. He and the rest of the rookies, as well as Rock Lee's team were approaching them. "Oh great, one clown wasn't enough… the circus is here." He muttered. "Yes Inukuza?" He asked out loud.
"I want to challenge you to a fight. Now that Naruto's knocked you down a peg, I want to test my abilities against you."
Sasuke felt very confident that he was not going to win. "No thanks."
"Ha, you're just afraid I'll beat you."
"Yes." Sasuke turned around and walked away from the sputtering dog boy, keeping his hand on Kusanagi in case he needed to avoid another surprise attack. Fortunately, it hadn't reverted back to Naruto when he got back in the genjutsu.
"Sasuke."
Sasuke stopped at the sound of Sakura's voice. The Pinkette ran up to him before looking down shyly. "Thanks for saving me." She said.
Sasuke looked off to the side. He had no idea how to deal with young Sakura. "It's nothing." He said.
"And don't worry, I know you can totally still beat…" Sasuke covered her mouth.
There's the rub, he thought. I can accept that I'm a lot weaker than I am in the original world, but I'm not supposed to. And Sakura's just delusional. Eh, who cares.
He let go of Sakura and began walking away.
"Where are you going Sasuke?" She asked.
To find Shikamaru, he thought.
"To meditate." He said. Then he paused. "Want to come with me?"
The Pinkette froze and stared at him. Then she began vibrating.
"Sakura?"
Sakura shot into the sky like a bird and began doing loop-de-loops and whooping in excitement.
"Well, that happened." Sasuke said.
Sakura crashed down in front of him, beaming at him. "Okay, let's go."
Sasuke didn't fight the smile that crawled onto his face.
/
Sakura looked at the gasping boy in front of her. If any of this was real, she'd definitely be running to his side to heal him.
The fake Sasuke, covered in various lacerations, bleeding out before her eyes, stared at her with contempt. "Well?" He asked.
"Hmm?" Sakura asked. "What are you looking at me for? I'm useless remember."
The two stared at each other, Sasuke barely able to remain on his feet, Sakura wondering if he would really die before he asked for her help.
She broke eye contact, looking at the battlefield. The Missing Iwa-nin that attacked them had been brutal. They'd also completely ignored her in favor of her teammates, all of whom were now critically injured. And she had the only first aid kit. Because of course she did.
Naruto and Kakashi had caved first and were already treated. They watched the two genin stare each other down.
"You just have to say three words." Sakura said. "And I'll fix you up."
Sasuke seemed to actually be contemplating death as an alternative to doing what she asked.
Sakura walked up to him. "Well?" She asked. "Anything you want to say?"
He mumbled something.
"What was that?" Sakura asked.
"Help…"
"I didn't quite catch that."
"Help me Sakura." Sasuke yelled, his Sharingan activating before he flinched and deactivated them.
Sakura put on a thoughtful look, even as she began mentally evaluating how to clean his wounds.
"Hmm, well, since you asked so nicely." She smiled as sweetly as she could. "I'll make sure to take good care of you."
Sasuke, intimated, stepped back.
"That's better." Sakura said.
/
Short chapter I know, but in my defense… writing several bad Naruto fanfics while trying to make them genuinely funny is harder than I thought it would be.
With that said, feel free to suggest what other bad tropes you'd like to see explored and which characters you want to see explore them.
Also, because Google translate apparently refuses to accept Romaji, here's the Katakana of what Ino said for the curious:
あなたはそれが理にかなっていると思ってこれをグーグルしましたか?