Lucien brushes the tear from her face, the soft pad of his thumb tracing the lines of her cheek. "Please tell me Jean."
"I was going to leave, I even had a train ticket bought for Sydney." She tries to turn away from him but Lucien's firm grasp on her hip anchors her to him. His eyes pleading for the truth. "Life happened Lucien. It was just after the New Year. I went looking for Christopher to tell him what I thought was the most exciting news."
Jean turns to the fire, this time Lucien's hand drops from her waist. He is unable to fully break the connection from his love, coming up behind her, hands resting on her arms protectively from whatever demons she is awakening.
"It probably wasn't fair of me to go to him with my dreams of leaving but he was the one I always turned to."
"Jean, I'm sure he wouldn't have had it any other way. I know I certainly want to be the one you rely on and confide in above all else." His hands squeeze her shoulders reassuringly.
She leans into him finding strength in his presence. "Yes, well, I don't know about that but I did go to him that afternoon. He was working near the old grain shed. His mother passed on the winter before and his father could barely get out of bed let along work the farm. He was twenty-one and did everything. It was as if any trace of his youth was gone."
"It's unfair when young men and women are thrust into a life of responsibility before they're ready."
"Mmm." Jean nods and walks towards the window. "It was one of those hot humid summer afternoons. The kind of day where the air is so heavy that even the smell of the land clings to you."
"Christopher, there you are!" Jean's chestnut curls bounce as she makes her way to him, weaving between the lettuce and beans.
Her smile instantly makes his day better. The low grain supply, the broken tractor, the insects plaguing the tomatoes all disappear with that smile. "I'm here. What can I do for you, Jeannie?" He wipes the sweat from his face with his shirttail anticipating the kiss she will give him.
"I did it!" she gives him a quick peck on the lips.
"Did what?"
"I filled out the paperwork for my passport. I should have it in six to eight weeks." Her eyes are wide, head tilting back and forth imitating the receptionist at town hall. Jean's smile fades at the sight of Christopher's face. "Chris?"
"So you did that?" The annoyance and displeasure that are in his eyes takes her back.
"Of course I did. I've talked about this for years. You know that." Her excitement fades. She can feel her own anger building in her stomach.
"I know you've talked about it. I just thought things had changed, that you changed your mind by now." he throws his hands into the air. "I thought we were going to get married." His head hangs low, feet kicking the ground to release some of the frustration.
Jean's eyes flash like the lightning that is above them. "I haven't changed my mind about anything. How could you think that?"
"So you are just going to leave Ballarat, leave me? I thought we had a future together."
"Christopher, I'm not leaving you. That isn't it at all. I need to do this." The crack of thunder nearly drowns out her plea to make him understand. "Come with me."
The rain starts quickly, big heavy drops fall around them. Another bolt of lightning and a roll of thunder that shakes the ground.
"Bloody hell, come on." He pulls her along running into the old grain shed.
The water drips down their faces. The rain hiding the tears that are falling. Christopher's tears are from the fear of losing the only girl he ever loved, hers from the realization that she can't have it all.
"You could come." Jean states again, quieter almost as if whispering a prayer.
"Jean, you know that I can't. My place is here." He moves closer to her, close enough for her to lean her head into his chest for support.
"If you want to go I won't stop you."
Her body trembles as she looks up into his face. This man who has grown up loving her, loves her enough to let her go. "Will you wait for me?" She holds her breath afraid of the answer he may give. Is it asking too much for him to put his life on hold while she lives hers?
"You're my girl, Jeannie. I'll wait for you." He kisses her with earnestness.
Jean deepens the kiss, encouraging him by allowing her tongue to slip between his lips. The combination of emotions and heat cause her to lose herself. Her fingers twine through his hair pulling him down farther into her.
Christopher's years of restraint wash away with the rain and the fear of losing her. The pelting of the water echoes on the old rusted tin roof, muffling the sounds of the outside world. In one swift motion he lays her on the burlap sacks never breaking their connection.
"Christopher we shouldn't." Jean whispers in his ear but her body betrays her words.
"It will be alright. I promise." His voice and his growing hardness unable to hide the yearning he feels for her.
Jean ignores the feelings that this wrong, that she is betraying her faith, herself by giving her body to the man she loves. He is willing to give her everything. She tells herself this is the least she can do for him and despite herself she is shameless with her want for him.
Jean continues to stare out the window lost in her thoughts, remembering how she gave Christopher her future that day in the old shed. She doesn't tell Lucien everything that happened under that tin roof. Some memories are too dear, too intimate to share with anyone even Lucien. She turns to her dear fiance and by reading his face and knowing his heart she doesn't need to explain any further.
"My passport arrived six weeks to the day after I filled it out. I was so thrilled that I went right into town and bought a train ticket to Sydney, leaving in a fortnight's time. I figured that would be as good of place as any to start my adventure."
Lucien takes a few steps closer, opens his mouth to speak but hesitates. Instead he pours a tumbler of whiskey, handing it to Jean.
"I had felt off that morning but didn't pay too much mind to it." She takes a large sip of the amber liquid. "By the third morning of vomiting I knew. I just sat on my bed with that train ticket in my hand sobbing."
"You were pregnant." Lucien speaks softly, saying the words that Jean couldn't.
She nods. "I had your father draw blood to confirm it for me. That was the last day I worked for him till after the war."
"He dismissed you because you were with child." Lucien's ire towards his father surfaces.
"Lucien, I left him no choice. I was nineteen, unmarried. He didn't want to but that is the way things were, still are. He gave me two months wages and took care of me when he didn't have to."
Jean watches Lucien pace, putting pieces together that may not fit. She continues before he gets too far ahead of the story in his own mind.
"Your what?" Christopher's mind is processing the words she has spoken. If it wasn't for the fact that Jean's face is stained with tracks from her tears and eyes swollen he would have thought she was teasing him.
"You heard me. What am I going to do?" Jean's tears that she thought were dried up flow once again.
"WE! We are in this together. We will get married and everything will be alright."
"That is what you said seven weeks ago in the grain shed." Her tears are replaced with rage. Her small fist pound on his chest, "well it's not alright, Chris. What am I going to tell my parents? What are people going to say?" She sinks to the barn floor, "I am supposed to leave next week."
Christopher has no answers for her. "We should see Father Morton as soon as you're up to it." He walks out of the barn the weight of the world on his young shoulders.
"I didn't speak to Christopher for nearly a week. There was a part of me that was so angry with him. I blamed him, felt like he wanted it to happen so that I wouldn't leave. I even packed my suitcase thinking I'd show him. I stared at it for all day. I woke the next morning, afraid to move so that the nausea wouldn't start and knew the only trip I would be taking was down the aisle of Sacred Heart. It was just as much my fault but it was my shame to carry."
"There is no shame in losing your innocence to someone you love."
Jean runs her hand along his chest. "Oh Lucien, You should know better than most. Innocence isn't lost the moment you have sex for the first time. Innocence is lost slowly through hardship, pain and grief. It's lost when you learn that the world isn't always a kind, fair place." She places a finger over his lips to stop him from protesting. "But with that loss of innocence we gain wisdom. That despite all of that, life can still be wonderful, cherished and beautiful."
Lucien runs his hand through her loose curls. "It must have been difficult for you with the church and all."
She nods. "The thing is it doesn't matter that it only happens one time people only see what they see and think what they want. I need some air." She makes her way out of the studio.
Lucien finds himself standing alone. Jean's confession certainly clarifies some things for him. But new questions arise as he goes over her words. He finds himself quickly following her footsteps afraid that he will lose her confidence if he lets another night pass. There must be more to this woman that has stolen two men's hearts by simple being Jean.