Trigger warning suicide mentions. Disclaimer—I don't own Merlin, only the schools/hospitals/kids
It's so quiet here and I feel so cold. This house no longer feels like home...
28th May 2019
"I've never had to rent out a flat before" Merlin commented.
"Well neither have I" Morgana shrugged. "But my flats worth quite a lot. I think an extra £750 a month sounds great".
"It sure does" Merlin agreed. "I mean did I really need this much shit?".
"Apparently so" Morgana rolled her eyes as she set Amhar down on the floor. "Well at least the tenants will appreciate it".
"If they ain't annoying stressy people" Merlin muttered.
"We should get going" Morgana sighed as she checked her watch. "Amhar has his CDH checkup. You coming?".
"Of course" Merlin replied. "I just need to put my clothes in the car".
"Be quick" Morgana muttered with a roll of her eyes as she took the baby down to the car. Merlin loaded up his car as they went down to Birmingham once more.
As they exited the hospital and walked to the car park, Morgana was lifting Amhar in the air as she cooed "who's a good boy? Amhar!".
"I think it's brilliant" Merlin remarked with a grin. "The all clear, only having check ups once a year".
"He's a very good boy" Morgana cooed as she held the baby close to her. "That's some very good news. I'm glad we finally got some good news in this difficult time".
"Me too" Merlin smiled.
29th May 2019
The next day they had to continue getting on with packing up their flats. They visited the estate agent and decided that they would rent out their flats and thus had to take photos of them (and actually clear them up—given that they were messy).
"Fucks sake" Morgana sighed as she walked outside the nursery and slammed the door. She leant against it and hid her face in her hands as sobs wracked her body. Amhar wasn't sleeping again. She could hear him crying in his cot but she couldn't go back in. Why did she have to parent him? Why? It should've been Arthur and Gwen.
"I'm supposed to have a daughter but I don't cause Sophia killed herself and the baby went too!"
Arthur's last words echoed around her head. The daughter. Gwen's miscarriages. Her miscarriage. Arthur and Gwen weren't here. She'd tried to deny it as long as she could—yet she just couldn't. She couldn't. They were gone. The dead were gone and at peace. Arthur and Gwen didn't have to deal with it anymore. Deal with the consequences.
No mum. No dad. Ex-boyfriends that betrayed and tried to kill her. Friends that were busy and never around anymore. The conversations and the endless "oh I'm fine". Why did everyone have to leave? In the end everyone would leave though no matter what. That was the problem. Amhar continued to cry inside the nursery. It wasn't his fault. He was grieving too. Maybe there wasn't anything in particular that her needed.
Morgana went back into the nursery and sat down in the rocking chair. She held Amhar and popped his dummy in his mouth while he lay his head on her chest. She gently stroked his cheek as she rocked him and gently sung to him.
Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honali
Little Jackie paper loved that rascal puff
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff
Amhar slowly stopped crying as he looked up at Morgana sniffling lightly. Maybe that was what he needed. She couldn't remember the rest of puff the magic dragon so moved onto another song.
It's a world of laughter a world of tears. It's a world of hope and a world of fears. There's so much that we share that its time we're aware it's a small world after all.
It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all it's a small, small world.
Morgana smiled as she looked down at Amhar. He was almost asleep. She stood up and began to rock him as she got ready to put him in his cot.
Rock a bye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock. When the bow breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all.
Morgana gently put Amhar down into the cot, patting his back to make sure that he wouldn't wake up. Satisfied that he was fast asleep, Morgana sat in the rocking chair and began to rock herself as she spoke to him.
"Oh Amhar" she sighed. "I know sweetheart it's hard. Your mummy and daddy aren't here anymore and you keep calling me mummy and your mummy and daddy want me to co-parent with Merlin".
Merlin sat as he watched the football. Stupid old arsenal. Sodding annoying team. He rolled his eyes as he saw the ball being passed between them and the other team.
"And that's another point for Arsenal, the crowd goes wild" he heard over the TV. fucking Arsenal would score wouldn't they. He breathed loudly and threw the remote down on the sofa. Normally he'd be happily watching this with Arthur. Just last year during the World Cup they thought England would win as everybody sung "it's coming home", even those who didn't support football. It wasn't like this place was home. Merlin didn't know where was home. Not anymore. Not like this.
He smiled and turned the tv down as he heard Morgana singing puff the magic dragon over the baby monitor. She was something else. Ah yes. They were great friends and had an amazing three months dating. Then he said the l word. It wasn't too soon, was it? After that she acted all weird. Then along came the Christmas party and Freya tried to seduce him and he refused and bam! Memories back.
And while she was sweet enough in this life, things had changed. A lot had happened. She didn't trust him. And he wasn't sure what to do. She kept saying how she didn't "want history to repeat itself". Yet the future wasn't set in stone. And they did say everything happens for a reason, yet he didn't know that reason.
He turned down the volume on the TV as he heard Morgana talking over the baby monitor.
"A part of me wants to like him. Love him. But I loved him last time and look what happened there. Everything went to hell. Straight to hell. He poisoned me then i tried to kill him but he tried first and then he did kill me". She sighed. "It's so easy being a baby isn't it? Never being alone. Like me. I'm all alone. No one cares anymore. Arthur and Gwen, gone. Morgause has jetted off to fucking Barbados for the week and the time differences are unreal. Or was it the Bahamas? Don't know don't care. My baby's gone too. And I'm so fucking angry. Why did Arthur have to keep all those secrets. Why did the car have to crash? Why did my baby have to die?".
Merlin edged closer to the baby monitor as he continued to listen.
"I'm just so damned angry and I don't know what do do anymore Amhar" Morgana sighed. "No one can hear me cry each night, or see my dreams all die slowly. Each and every one. It doesn't feel like home. No where's home anymore. I just feel so lost, Amhar. I'm trying to be strong for you, I'm sorry. Well I guess I ought to be getting downstairs. Merlin actually seems to care, but we both know he doesn't".
"Why you crying?" Morgana frowned as she slumped on the sofa. "Wasser matter with you?".
"Nothing" Merlin sniffed. "Are you okay?".
"Yeah, why? Alright gotta make sure the baby monitors on".
"It's already on" Merlin drawled. "Anything you want to tell me?".
"No" Morgana narrowed her eyes at him. "Why?".
"We should talk". Merlin turned of the TV and sat normally. "I heard what you said".
"Elaborate" Morgana snapped as she sat up straight. "What did you hear?".
"You said that no one cares. It isn't true. Lots of people care. I care, Morgause cares".
"Well everyone sure has a strange way of showing it" Morgana snapped. "And I don't believe you. You tried to poison me".
"It was an accident!" Merlin exclaimed. "I didn't know you were allergic to peanuts".
"Well if you told me I was the vessel for the spell then I gladly would've taken the poison myself. But no, you had to listen to that twat of a dragon".
"It's 2019! The only dragons around now are the ones in game of thrones".
"It's so confusing Merlin" Morgana sighed. "Arthur had postpartum depression. Did you see that? He instead bonded with the other kids and the fact that his daughter didn't survive".
"Daughter?" Merlin frowned. "He never said he had a daughter".
"He does" Morgana shrugged. "You know what the last words he ever said were? 'I'm supposed to have a daughter but I don't cause Sophia killed herself and the baby went too'. Those, were Arthur's last words".
Merlin gasped. "He was supposed to have a daughter?".
"Apparently so" Morgana sighed.
"Come here" Merlin said as he embraced her while she sobbed. He did too, not that she could see. So much loss had happened and so much had happened that it felt like fifty years had passed yet not at the same time. And exams were on. Lovely old exams.
"I want to tell you something" Merlin said.
"Okay" Morgana sniffed as she rubbed at her eyes.
"I know this place doesn't feel like home. Yet home isn't a place, it's where the heart is, and, I want to work on that. I want to make this place a home".
"Me too" Morgana whispered.