Chapter 9 – Ship in a Storm, Looking for any Harbor. September 15, 1730. Edd.
"Nice running gents; I'll see you tomorrow," Coach Pick told the squad as they broke for the day.
Edd threw on his hoodie and walked off the track. His runner's high was long faded, and his nerves, blood pressure, and heart rate were on the rise. "What was I thinking? Taking her cigarettes?" Edd was thinking to himself, eyes on the ground, before he bumped into another human being. Caught off balance, both teenagers began to fall, with Edd having a moment to think to himself "That's it; I'm dead. This is the way it ends," as he prepared for an inevitable public display of aggression from who he assumed was Marie. Looking up, he saw blonde, not blue hair, and noticed that Nazz was on the ground rubbing her arm.
"Goodness Nazz, I'm terribly sorry, here let me help you up," Edd said, rapidly rising to his feet and offering Nazz a hand. "I do apologize; I wasn't paying attention."
"No sweat, dude. Shit happens. But, are you ok? You look a little pale? Need a snack after running?" Nazz said, reaching into her bag and offering Edd a granola bar.
"No thank you; I'm quite full, and can't eat right after practice anyway, but, I am a bit off," Edd replied.
"What's up? Want to talk about it?" Nazz asked.
"Well, to be honest. Umm. Look. Nazz, you're a barista at Antonucci's right?" Edd asked.
"All summer long," Nazz replied.
"So, you must've seen a lot of Marie. How is she? Personally, like, without going into too much personal detail, how is she doing physically and mentally?" Edd asked.
"Well, that's a tall order, and I don't think I can cover it all in five minutes, but let's just say, overall, not good. Nearly every weekend she was going on about how it's her last year here, time to leave, time to abandon 'this dead end town,' and looking to escape to the city. She would vape regularly, and to be honest, I don't think she has plans beyond just leaving Peach Creek in the dust. Why, what's up?" Nazz replied.
"To be honest, I'm not sure. I don't know. Remember last month when she chased me out of the café?" Edd asked.
"Of course," Nazz said.
"Well, afterwards, she tripped, fell, got pretty banged up, and broke her phone. I ran into the woods to get away, and I found her phone afterwards, and returned it to her, and bandaged her up. Then today, she transfers into my English class, and agreed to a 'truce' of sorts to not interfere with my studies. Flash forward to practice today where I ran past her in the woods and I noticed her knuckles were recently scabbed over, and I kind of, um, snatched her pack of cigarettes from her and ran to finish practice, in a foolish sort of bravado attempt to have a reason just talk to her and ask if everything is ok. Does that make any sense?" Edd replied.
"Yeah, totally, you care for her, don't you?" Nazz inquired.
"I mean, as a human being, Marie deserves the decency that I'd allot to any other person, and I wanted to ask her why, after a decade of chasing me, she comes out of nowhere and agrees to a truce. It's just… weird, and I'm curious," Edd stated.
"That's not exactly what I meant. Two things Edd. First, you patching her up and fixing her phone may not seem like a big deal, but I think they had more of an impact on her than you realize. Call it intuition, but it's not my place to speculate. Second, that's not exactly what I meant by 'care for her' if you get my drift. Do you have feelings for her?" Nazz asked.
"Oh, I see your point. To be honest, I would have to say that I don't have any feelings other than curiosity at this point. I'm not trying to date, especially before I pack up and leave for the Navy, and I'm not trying to be a 'savior' if Marie's condition is as bad as you alluded to previously. However, if someone is going to show me the respect and courtesy towards my studies, something that even Ed and Eddy failed to do on numerous occasions, I'm willing to meet them halfway, wherever that is," Edd offered.
"I get it; you're a good dude, and just want to say thanks. Totally ok. Just be careful with meeting Marie halfway. You might get pulled closer to her than you realize. But, I think you're good. You know your limits, and you have a good head on your shoulders under that beanie," Nazz said with a chuckle.
"Gotcha. I guess I better get going before Marie starts looking for me. Take care, and I do apologize for bumping into you again," Edd said.
"No worries dude, see you!" Nazz replied, and took off with a wave.
Edd approached the gate separating Peach Creek High from the main roadway. He glanced right, then left, and failing to see Marie, made his way towards the Park N Flush trailer park, hoping to meet her on the way. After walking for about five minutes, he immediately felt someone wrap him up in a bear hug from behind, and Edd braced himself.
"Gotcha," Marie whispered into Edd's ear.
Maintaining his composure, Edd took a deep breath and said, "Greetings Marie. I'm assuming this is fair payback. What do I have to do to have you let go?"
"First, you have five seconds to tell me which pocket my smokes are in, or I'm going to start digging around until I find them, or something else more valuable. I have a feeling you don't want that, because our truce will be off. Second, you're walking me home, and we're going to hold hands the whoooollle way. Third, you're going to let me cook you dinner this evening. Mom and my sisters are out, and we're going to talk," Marie demanded.
"Deal. Left pocket. What are we going to talk about?" Edd inquired.
Marie rummaged through Edd's gym shorts, "Let's see, that's a phone, that's a wallet, and, there we go!" Marie shouted, retrieving her cigarettes, "we're just going to talk about stuff. Nothing in particular, but let's be real, you couldn't focus for shit it class, so just think of this as practice getting used to sitting next to me in a civil manner," Marie said. "Smoke?" Marie offered.
"No thank you to the cigarette. Very well, as long as there's no, ulterior motives, and you promise to keep your hands to yourself," Edd added.
"Oh, there's definitely ulterior motives, but I'm not telling you what I get out of this deal. Also, I promise, that is, until you change your mind," Marie replied with a sly grin.
Edd facepalmed himself and Marie offered her right hand to Edd. "Well, let's get going. However, a gentleman always walks closest to the road, so I'll be taking your left hand, so that you're on the inside of the sidewalk," Edd stated. Of course, that was only twenty percent of the reason Edd reached for Marie's left hand. The other eighty percent was to give him an opportunity to ask about the bruising and scrapes. Marie was about to object, but Edd quickly but gently grabbed her hand. He felt the roughness of her scabbed knuckles against his thumb, and said, "Goodness Marie, what happened? Did you punch a brick wall?"
"Actually… yes. That's exactly what happened," Marie remarked.
"Come again? Did the wall take your smokes too?" Edd joked.
"No. I punched the wall because I missed the kid that was cracking jokes about a serious topic," Marie stated, staring Edd straight in the eyes.
"I apologize; I thought you were joking with me. In all seriousness, what led you to punch the brick wall?" Edd asked.
"Well then, maybe you should ask instead of assuming," Marie replied.
"I'm sorry. Look, I can let go, or we can do this a different time," Edd started.
"You're not getting off that easy mister. Besides, you know that if I hauled off and hit you I'd immediately have to kiss the bruise and make it better," Marie remarked as Edd gulped and began to turn red. "Look, I'm messing with you. You didn't think I'd let you get off that easy after taking my smokes; it's only fair."
"Very well, I guess you're right. But, back to my original question, why did you hit a wall?" Edd asked.
"Because I was pissed. Because I hate this shithole town. Because Lee's at home telling me not to try my luck in the city because she lost and doesn't want me to succeed. Because May is going to get a scholarship and get out of here. Because there's nothing here left for me, and I'm barely worth a shit in my current state," Marie said.
"I see, well, I'm sorry to keep pressing, but what did that accomplish?" Edd asked.
"Calmed me down, popped a relief valve on my anger for a bit, stopped me from taking it out on some other unfortunate soul," Marie countered.
"Fair enough, but why, to use your own words, do you think you're barely worth a shit?" Edd asked.
Marie turned her head towards Edd, and a bit taken aback, asked "Seriously, why do you care?"
"I don't understand the question," Edd replied, slightly confused.
"Let me break it down then smart guy. 'Seriously' as in, with sincerity, 'Why' as in, for what purpose, do 'you' Edd, singular form, 'care' or have any reason to give a damn, about the implied 'me' Marie Kanker? Look, Lee pays lip service to mentoring me, and my mom puts food on the table, usually, if her cash isn't going to the bottle, but let's be real. There are only two types of people who show a slight interest me. First, there are the hipsters that want to buy my art so that they can feel like a 'collector' or some other inflated sense of self, and second, there are the creeps who are trying to grab my tits. You don't seem to fall into either of those categories, so I ask again. Why the fuck do you, Edd, care the fuck about me, Marie?"
Edd was stunned and speechless. His brain was usually quick to pick up on what others were putting down, but only at the rational level; his emotional intelligence was lagging a bit behind his pragmatic side, and slowly he was piecing together a seemingly unconnected series of hijinks, torment, and affection on the part of Marie over their decade long interactions, and recognizing that there was an underlying narrative which he missed completely. Marie wasn't simply a bully, rebel, or wild child looking for the next high, but rather, Edd assessed that she was hurting, alone, isolated, or some variation of the three, and was a lost ship at sea, looking for any port in a storm. Edd blinked, opened his mouth as if to speak, and closed it again.
"Smartest guy in the world can't figure this out. Shouldn't have expected anything better. Forget it Edd, I'll walk myself home," Marie sighed, as she pivoted and attempted to stride away, before she was stopped by Edd grabbing her wrist.
"Edd. Let. Me. Go," Marie demanded.
"Hold on, please, wait, Marie. I need a second to process this all. Is everything you said true; are you being one hundred percent open and honest with me now?" Edd asked.
Marie gritted her teeth as tears of frustration were beginning to form behind her eyes, "You insensitive asshole! I just poured my heart out right now and the first thing you do is accuse me of lying? What the fuck man? What do you have to say for yourself?" she shouted.
"Marie, I'm sorry that was a lot for me to take in. I did not realize the depths of your anguish or the prism with which you view yourself," Edd said as he let go of her wrist and Marie crossed her arms. "You matter," Edd continued, "Not just to me, but, you objectively, in this world, matter. Do you understand that?" Edd asked. "You are a special and unique individual. You deserve love, you deserve joy, and your thoughts, desires, and passions are not irrelevant. I want you to know that. Today, if you take nothing else away, you are a human being, and without you, this world would be worse off. I need to know you understand that. Do you?" Edd asked.
Now it was Marie's turn to open her mouth, have nothing to say, and close it again. "Marie; do you know that you matter?" Edd repeated.
Marie was silent for about a minute looking at the ground. She then lifted her head and asked "What's your end game Edd? Look, I know that I've been shitty to you for a good chunk of your life and I don't deserve any favors from you. So, what is it? Money? Sex? Quid Pro Quo? What's your end game?" Marie asked.
"Marie, I think you're hurting. I don't know why, and I don't know if you want to share the specifics, and that's ok. We can come back to that. I think your heart and psyche are figuratively bleeding, and in first aid class we were taught to stop the bleeding and stabilize a wound before focusing any efforts on recovery. I care about you because you are a person who deserves to be cared about." With a slight chuckle Edd added, "I mean, I've spent more time in your presence than any other woman, save my mother, so we have a longstanding relationship. I don't know what the actual nature of that relationship is, but you have been a significant part of my life in several ways. Right now, I don't care about the past and I want to focus on the now. So, right now, Marie, I am meeting you where you are, bloody knuckles and all, but I want to know where you are right now. Why do I want to know? Because you matter, and I want you to know that," Edd finished.
Marie felt like she had a lump in her throat and was doing her best to maintain her composure. She was beginning to hope, but years of regret sharpened her defense mechanisms and she wasn't about to let her guard down. "How can you say that Edd? How can you say that I matter? I've been hurting for years; anyone should be able to see that, but my mom, sisters, "friends," and people sitting next to me never gave a shit about me. What made you go ahead and finally start digging into my problems? What makes you so different that you want to know what's going on?" Marie asked.
"I'll tell you a quick story from my father's time in the service, one that he shared with me a while ago. One day, a young sailor, who wasn't in his division, walked by him, clearly depressed, clearly with something amiss. My father pulled him aside asked him what was wrong, and he found out that his sailor's wife was in the hospital, and he couldn't go see her because he had duty that day. My dad went out of his way to speak to his Captain to get that sailor home to his wife. Flash forward six months, and that sailor thanked my father profusely, because that sailor went to his own division officer and told his boss what was going on, and his boss replied with 'that's unfortunate, let me know if you need any help.' My father impressed upon me that when people are hurting, people are injured, people are in a bad place, they aren't always capable be it mentally or physically, of going up to someone and say 'excuse me, but I'm in the middle of a crisis. Would you be so kind as to help me?' They either scream or explode or, they keep quiet and let nobody no, and at best people pay lip service to 'always being there if you need me.' So, my father taught me, that if something isn't right, and I'm healthy, then it's my duty as a person to have empathy and ask what's wrong. Marie, forget our past for a second, and let's focus on now. I'm not about to say, 'you can talk to me if you need me,' I'm going to set a plan. First, let's keep walking towards your place and keep talking. Second, this Saturday, let's meet up at 1:00 PM for coffee, just to talk. I'm buying. Are you in?" Edd asked as he outstretched his hand.
Marie hesitated, "So this isn't a trick? This isn't a ploy to get in my pants?" she asked.
"Absolutely not." Edd stated affirmatively.
Marie took a deep breath and still hesitated. Edd cut right to her core. She was drowning in her own sea of emotions and depression, looking for any outlet, looking for any reason to know that she was a worthwhile person that had any sort of value, and not an accidental afterthought. She was drowning, and she was looking for anything to hold onto at this instant. Well, at this instant, there was Edd, the person who she least expected to show her any positive emotion given their past, hand outstretched, offering her some buoyancy, an emotional life raft. Marie exhaled, and reached for Edd's hand. As she shook it, Edd pulled her into a tight embrace and hugged her. Marie reciprocated and began to sob. Edd did not let go, and Marie began to pour out the emotions bottled in her body and mind through her tears. As each tear fell to the ground, Marie felt a bit lighter, and just for a moment, the dark clouds in her mind parted and a faint crepuscular ray of hope broke through to her heart.