I apologize for the gap in time since the last time I posted. It truly is the busiest time of the year. I hope the wait will be worth it, and please let me know what you think! -SS
Chapter 9 (Bella)
The first thing I noticed was that I suddenly noticed everything. The dust mites on the furniture were few and far between, but the ones that were there I could see clearly. I saw the fibers in the carpet, the grains in the wood.
Then, I saw Edward. All of the beauty I thought I'd seen when I'd looked at him before was nothing compared to this. I could now see every line and angle of his face perfectly. The smooth plane of his skin was flawless, shimmering ever so slightly in the light. He was so beautiful it hurt.
"Hi," he said in a soft voice, just barely above a whisper.
I got to my feet quickly. The bed shot out from under me, sliding a few feet across the floor. Edward shot across the room to catch it before it could break the glass wall in his bedroom.
"Sorry," I said, knowing how much he loved the view from that glass wall.
After he stopped the bed, he walked back to me, palms turned upward and outward, like he was reaching for me. He was tentative and careful.
"I won't bite," I said, watching the smile that altered his face and shot it into a new realm of ungodly beauty.
He took on a more confident stride, though still using a human pace, until his hand wrapped gently around one of mine. I was not so gentle. I let him hold that hand while I used my other to pull him into hug.
"Ah, Bella? You're a lot stronger than me right now," he said into my ear. It took me a second to realize that I might be hurting him, and as soon as I did, I pushed him away. I still kept a hold on his hand, though. "It's your turn not to break me."
As gently as I could, I raised my hand again to trail it down Edward's cheek. It was smooth as glass, and finally the same temperature as my own.
"I love you so much," I said, feeling the overwhelming need to make sure he knew.
He placed a finger under my chin, tilting my head up so he could bring his lips down to mine. "Try not to break me," he whispered just before they met.
As a human, I'd been content to spend most of my time kissing Edward. But kissing him as a human had nothing on kissing him now. The nerve endings in my lips were much more sensitive now, and the experience was a million times better.
"Come on," he said when we broke apart.
"Where are we going?"
"We've got to get your thirst under control."
Now that it had been called to my attention, the thirst was undeniable. My throat was too dry and it burned like fire. The hunt allowed me to explore my speed and strength for the first time. I darted through the trees, easily overtaking Edward just to prove that I could before falling back to let him lead me again. We ran many miles off the trail before we slowed down.
"Close your eyes," Edward said. I was surprised by how hard it was to do. I trusted Edward completely, but to close my eyes around another creature as strong and fast as I was went against every instinct I had. Still, I forced them closed.
"Now what do you hear?"
I tried my best to listen as far as I could. The breeze itself had a sound I'd never heard before, almost like a constant whisper that wrapped itself around my eardrums and underlaid every other sound that came through them. I could hear birds chirping even though I could see none around us. Their feathers rustled together as they moved. There was a stream somewhere nearby, but the sound was muted, probably by the thick layer of ice lying on the surface. I continued to listen, taking in all the sounds of the still forest, until I finally picked up a faint, rhythmic thudding. It was low, slow, and full of promises of thirst-quenching blood.
"A heartbeat," I said. "What is it?" I couldn't smell it yet.
"A moose, judging by the sound. I'm going to hang back a little to let you shift into truly hunting. Follow the sound until you pick up the scent. You'll instinctually know what to do from there."
The thirst was blazing deep in my throat now, sending jolts of fire into my gut that urged me forward. Doing just as Edward had instructed, I followed the sound, letting it pull me in until the scent finally hit my nose. It was a warm, earthy scent, a little spicy and herbal, almost like my memory told me tea had been in my human days. I sank into a crouch, inhaling the scent deep, letting it envelop me and pull me closer.
I took another deep inhale, still smelling the warm herbal scent, but now it swirled together with a sweet, citrusy and peppery smell. A sharper, faster thudding joined this new scent, and my legs were already carrying me toward it before I was able to reason out what the scent was. It singed my throat, making the smell of the moose feel like a long-forgotten memory. This was a scent I was meant to hunt, a scent I was meant to taste and indulge in and relish. This was a scent that I knew I would kill for.
Some indistinct vestige of my memory reminded me that I was only supposed to have the moose. I was supposed to survive on the tofu, denying myself the feast before me. That remnant of reasonable thought disappeared as the wind shifted, blowing the warm scent directly into my face. A growl of longing rose out of me as I propelled myself forward even faster.
The side of the mountain finally entered my view, along with the human man who'd slipped on its slick face and ripped open the skin of his leg. The blood rolled out of the wound, calling me like wine to a drunkard. I felt a grin split my face as I realized was only seconds away from tasting the exquisite bouquet being presented to me. Faintly, I heard Edward's own footfalls in the snow behind me. My grin only grew as the knowledge that he could never catch me in time occurred to me.
"Bella!" his musical voice called behind me. I slowed only a fraction as my hands dug into the rocks on the face of the mountain. "Bella please, please listen to me!"
But I didn't want to listen. I wanted to sink my teeth into this man's throat. I climbed higher, hearing the spike in the climber's heartbeat as he saw me. Beautiful, ferocious, moving impossibly fast, and grinning like a madwoman, I reached to him. The blood compelled me now, and any possibility I'd had of stopping was long gone, if it had ever existed at all.
"Bella, no!"
Edward's shout echoed off the mountains, surrounding us in a cacophony of his fear, as my lips met the climber's throat and I finally, blissfully drank.
It was only a second later that Edward reached me. But the damage was done. I threw the human down beside me, feeling his blood warm my muscles and fill them with a new kind of power and strength.
"Bella, I am so, so sorry," Edward said.
"What are you talking about?" I asked him as I looked down at my prey. His own lifeless eyes stared back at me. They were blue, set in a face that couldn't be more than forty years old, if even that. It occurred to me then that this wasn't prey, this was a human being. The scream that ripped out of me at the realization of what I'd just done was primal, unlike any sound I'd ever heard before.
Edward rushed to my side, wrapping me up and holding me close to him as grief washed over me. This man—possibly a father, or a husband, a friend to someone or a brother or a son—this man was dead, because of me. I screamed again, seeking the release of tears that I could no longer cry.
"Shhh, shh, it's okay. It's going to be okay." Edward kept whispering soothing words as I fell apart at the seams. I could still taste the man's blood on my tongue, a sweet, delicious reminder that I was responsible for his death.
Eventually, his absence would be noticed. And when it was, Charlie would be called. Charlie would be out on this very mountain, searching for this man who I'd killed. My own Dad would be trying to solve a murder I'd committed. Shakes rattled through me as I pictured my dad roaming these snowy mountain sides searching in vain for a poor human man who would never be seen again.
"We have to leave," I finally said when the shakes started to subside.
"We can go home—"
"No, Edward. We have to leave. I'm a danger to Charlie. I won't be the reason he dies too."
His arms around me tightened, but he didn't contradict me, because he knew I was right.
We sat there in silence for a while. Eventually, the weight of my own self-loathing was more than I could bear, and I asked Edward to take me home. If nothing else, Jasper would hopefully be able to calm me.
It didn't take us long at all to reach the house, and when we did, Jasper met us in the yard. A wave of peace washed over me before Edward nodded at him and he ran off, taking the very brief respite he'd provided with him.
"Where's Jasper going?"
"Just to clean up," Edward answered. I winced as I thought of that poor man, buried under a literal mountain of Earth, never to be seen again.
Alice walked out to meet us as we broached the front porch. She pulled me into a gentle hug before she pulled back and stared beyond me for a few seconds. "When you're ready," she said, "please, come talk to me." She had surely already seen the conversation we would have and knew with confidence that it would help; she also knew that now wasn't the time.
"Bella, please don't—" Edward cut Carlisle off with a glare.
"Bella and I need a few moments, please," he said, leading me up the stairs to his room.
Even though I didn't need it, I threw myself down onto his bed and curled myself into a ball of self-pity and hatred.
"Bella," he began.
"Please, don't. I'll be fine."
"What can I do?"
"Right now, just be here."
He curled himself up against me, holding me while I processed all that had happened. I was a vampire now, a wish I'd held since the day I'd discovered vampires existed. And I now knew exactly what that meant.
And I now understood why Edward had been so vehemently against this life for me. My love for him only grew in my transition, but today, my understanding of him grew as well. I now knew why he looked in the mirror and saw himself as a monster, because it was how I would see myself for the rest of my existence. And still, I loved him so much that it consumed me. Still, I looked at him and saw goodness and strength, a man who'd rejected the worst parts of himself and become the very best he could be.
"Do you still…am I…" I took a deep breath, trying to find the right way to ask the question. Do you still love me? Now that I am no longer good and that my hands are no longer clean, will you still stay with me? Your worst nightmare has been realized, how can you possibly still want to be with me? "Do you still want me?" I finally asked.
Edward's perfect lips met the top of my head. "Bella, there is nothing you could ever do that would make me love you, or want you, or need you any less. Please don't think for a second that today changes anything. I am still absolutely yours."
"Even though—"
"Yes, even still," he said. "I love you unconditionally."
It was more than I deserved, but it was everything I needed. I would need his strength in the coming months. I would need his patience and unceasing support. And he would give it. I could see in his dark, golden eyes that whatever I needed, I would have."
"Thank you," I said.
He simply pressed his lips to my forehead again. In spite of myself, I was beginning to feel better. I would carry the grief of the man I'd killed for as long as I lived. But I would not subject anyone else to living in that misery with me.
"We need to talk to the others. What story have you been telling Charlie?"
"That we don't know where you are either. Alice has been going over to help him look and call people." He cast his eyes down at the ground. "He needs to grieve."
"Then we'll make a plan, and we'll leave," I said resolutely. He was right, Charlie deserved to mourn and grieve. He deserved an answer, and closure, even if that closure was entirely fake.
"There's something else you should know. The wolves know."
My head jerked up. "Jacob knows? And he hasn't told Charlie?"
"He's been distracted." A grin played around the corners of Edward's lips, causing my brow to crease in confusion. Edward sighed. "Jacob imprinted. On Bree's sister, in fact. He was actually here when you woke up. Alice sent him away when she…when she saw. She couldn't see how he'd react or what you would need until he was gone."
"Oh no, Jake imprinted? Is he alright?"
Edward looked confused. "Is…is it a bad thing that he imprinted?"
"Oh no, well, not in the way you're thinking," I answered. "You know I don't think of Jake like that. He just really didn't like the idea of imprinting. He said that the wolves who did didn't belong to themselves anymore."
Edward's arms wrapped around my waist as his lips settled gently on my marble neck. "He only didn't like the idea of it until he felt how all-consumingly wonderful it is to be in love. It is the one thought Jacob has ever had that I could relate to."
A grin spread across my face again. "I love you too, you know."
The disarming smile returned to his face, and I was surprised to discover that, as much as he'd dazzled me when I'd been human, he only dazzled me more now. I wanted to reach out and touch his face, press my lips to his chest, spend my time discovering all the parts of Edward I'd been too breakable to know before.
But unfortunately, there were other people in this house who would overhear that.
I took a deep breath out of habit and looked away from him long enough to gather myself.
"So Jacob is okay?" I asked.
"He's perfectly happy."
"And he doesn't know what happened today?"
"Not unless you tell him," Edward answered.
I'd have to make that decision sooner than I wanted to, I was sure. Until then, there were more pressing matters.
"Speaking of Bree, where is she? And where are Rosalie and Emmett? I didn't imagine Rosalie would be the first to greet me but I thought Emmett would've said hi by now."
"I'm not sure where they are." There was a steely edge to his voice that I didn't like. I was missing something. "Carlisle wants to talk, if you're ready."
I nodded, following Edward out of the room and back down the stairs to meet Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Jasper in the living room.
"Welcome to the family," Esme said, embracing me in every way she could.
"I'm so sorry," I said to her and Carlisle both. "I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen again."
"We know that," Carlisle answered. "I'm not angry. We've all made mistakes. And I believe that you will work to not continue to make them. Let's speak of it no more." He also hugged me, conveying his complete forgiveness.
Alice walked over, dragging Jasper with her, and squeezed my hand.
"We need to make a decision about what to do from here," Carlisle said.
"I think there's only one decision that makes sense," I answered him. "I can't tell the rest of you what you should do, and I know you love it here. But I think I need to leave."
"And I will of course be with Bella," Edward interjected.
Carlisle sighed. "I think you're right, Bella. We'll need to go quickly. And Charlie…"
"Needs to be able to mourn. I think we have to stage my death, in some way that he can't deny, but that keeps the secret."
Carlisle turned that over for a moment.
"It'll work," Alice eventually said.
"What will?" I asked.
"A car accident. Carlisle and I can stage it," she answered. "There will be a closed casket funeral. We will all, with the exception of you, Bella, have to be in attendance." She pinned Edward with a look before she continued. "You and Edward will take off immediately afterwards. We'll make up a story about Edward's grief making it impossible to stay here. The rest of us will hang around just long enough for it to not be suspicious, but we'll eventually leave. Our excuse will be that we thought Edward would return, but after it becomes clear that he won't, we decided to follow him."
Carlisle sighed again but nodded his acquiescence. "It'll have to work."
"It will." Alice pointed another look at Edward.
"What's going on between you two?" I asked.
"Nothing," Edward answered as Alice said "my brother is being a stubborn fool."
I turned to Edward. "What is she talking about?"
"Take him for a walk, Bella. And don't relent until he tells you." Alice winked at me, all but guaranteeing that my persistence would get me the answer I wanted.
I took Edward's hand, leading him out into the woods beyond the house until I could no longer hear the voice and movements indoors.
"Spill. You're keeping something from me."
He refused to meet my eyes for a very long time. When he finally did, his gaze was piercing. "Bella, who changed you?"
I opened my mouth to answer, until I realized I couldn't. I filtered through the fuzzy human memory. Edward had gone hunting, and, thinking that Alice would be home alone, I'd driven over to the Cullen house to visit with her. As I'd come around the curve, though, something had run into my truck and sent it veering off course. I remembered the metal shrieking as the door was torn off, and then flashes of pale skin and short, dark hair before I felt the burn of the venom sinking into my veins.
I shivered slightly at the memory of the burning. For half a second, Alice's face came to mind. But Alice wouldn't have attacked me like that. If she'd finally decided to change me, she would've told me and we would've gone off to do it together. Which only left one person.
"Bree."
Edward's jaw clamped shut, telling me I'd hit the nail on the head.
"So, what? You're just not letting her or Rosalie or Emmett come home now?" Alice had been right, he was a stubborn fool. I could feel my temper rising.
"Bella, she attacked you."
"Because she's a vampire. A newborn one. That's kinda what they do." My temper was definitely rising. "It's what we do."
"I don't care. I'm not going to have the vampire who tried to kill you three days ago just hanging around the house!"
I paused for a moment, deciding whether or not to say the words that had just entered my mind. They would hurt him. A lot. But he also needed to hear them.
"I have two things to say, Edward. And then you can go on behaving as you wish."
He crossed his arms in front of his chest, but inclined his head, indicating that I should continue.
"First, you told me that she was committed to this lifestyle. She didn't attack me on purpose. It was a miscommunication that lead to an accident, and your refusal to allow them to come home is keeping this family apart. You may not care, but I'm fairly certain that Esme and Carlisle do. They don't deserve that, and I won't have it done on my account. So, if you are going to insist that you'll not be in the same house as Bree, then you and I will leave, and Rosalie, Emmett, and Bree can come home."
"You aren't understanding—"
"And I'm also not finished," I said, cutting him off. "Because what Bree did three days ago is not different at all from what I did today, Edward. You cannot hold a grudge against her and forgive me. If you continue to condemn her, you continue to condemn me. That's fine, if that's what you want to do. But don't tell me what I did is fine when you keep her away from her home for doing the same thing."
I was very grateful for the fact that I no longer had working tear ducts in that moment. Edward just stared at me, bewildered, for a few seconds before he composed himself.
"I don't see it that way," he said smoothly.
"And why is that? What is the difference?"
He was silent again, scrutinizing me. I knew he was deciding how far he could push this.
"I'm not invalidating your anger, Edward. And I'm not saying you have to be best friends with the girl. But I am saying the only difference between Bree's mistake and mine is that you love me, and you are willing to overlook my flaws because of that. If I'm worthy of forgiveness, so is she. And if she's not, neither am I."
I turned and walked back to the house in an effort to give him some time to consider what I'd said. When I re-entered the house, Alice was looking positively radiant.
"Well done, Bella! Rosalie, Emmett, and Bree will be home by morning."
Next chapter, we'll catch up with Bree, Rose, and Emmett. Essentially, that chapter will end this story, although I'll also be posting a prologue of sorts that has been living rent-free in my head for years, and that I'd very much like to finally put on paper. I'd also like to give you all a glimpse of some of the things that might happen between the final chapter and the prologue, and, hopefully, you all can help me decide which of those stories to tell next. Until then, happiest holidays! -SS