Everything hurt, Dean felt like absolute shit. He opened his eyes briefly and then shut them again, it felt like the lights from a god damned surgical suite was shining on his face. Way too bright. He squeezed his eyes shut and then blinked a few times trying to adjust. Another morning just like every other morning, he could tell from the way his tongue felt furry and swollen along with the incessant pounding in his head that he must have had one hell of a night last night.

He tried to open his eyes again. A little better. He turned, swung his legs over the bed, pulling himself into a sitting position. A little too fast because a wave of nausea coiled like a snake in his gut, ready to strike. Deep breaths, just breath through it. He took a half dozen slow deep breaths until it passed. Ok, he was ok now. Opened his eyes one more time, finally adjusted to the room. It wasn't a surgical suite after all, just the lamp on his bed side table.

He looked down and realized that he was in and old t shirt and pajama pants. Funny, he didn't remember changing last night. To be fair he didn't remember anything, but he always woke up in yesterday's clothes when he drank, part of the Dean Winchester drink until the pain goes away party package. Whatever. He's entitled to change his own damn routine.

The bed side table with the way too bright lamp caught is eye, there was a glass of water and two Motrin on the table. That explains it, Sam must be home, must have put him to bed. Fuck, wasn't he supposed to be at Eileen's? How long had he been drunk for? Sam was supposed to be gone for a couple to days so he could work things out with Cas – Fuck – again – Fucking Cas just walked out the door and left him. Finally got tired of his shit. Who could blame him really? He was tired of his own shit.

He tossed the Motrin and water back; it would do until he could get another drink. Might as well go face the music with Sam first. Sam was probably also tired of his shit. He wondered if there was a record for the number of people a person could drive away in a week. He's got Eileen now, so he knows it's only a matter of time before he walks too, Dean could almost smell Sam's desperation to get out whenever he was around him lately.

Dean wrapped himself in the dead guy robe and a pair of old man slippers- the bunker floors were cold. Bathroom first, then coffee, then Sam. Cas was a lost cause, so he'll just drink that away later. His head was still pounding, and the hallway lights were just as bad. He shuffled off to the bathroom to relieve himself like probably looking like he was 20 years older than he actually was. Just as well because he wasn't going to live that long anyway.

After urinating he had a quick shower, putting last nights pajamas back on and brushing his teeth. It will go better with Sam if he at least looks like he's taking care of himself. Doesn't have to be true, it's just the appearances that will put Sam at ease. So he feels like it's safe for him to leave. Dean doesn't want him to leave, but he at least knows it's a kindness he can give Sam to let him think it's ok for him to go.

Heading around to the kitchen, Dean smells the fresh coffee before he even turns the corner. At least that is something that is going right.

"Morning Sammy, coffee smells great…"and he freezes in his tracks because it's not Sam in the kitchen. He stands there slack jawed for a good five seconds, not having a clue what to say next.

"Hello Dean. How are you feeling this morning?" Cas smiled at him with a look he had never seen before. His expression was open and the smile itself reached his eyes, crinkling his laugh lines.

Dean couldn't answer right away, what was Cas doing here?

"Breakfast is almost ready." He nodded towards the table where two places were set, one of which had a steaming mug of coffee waiting. "I fixed your coffee the way you like it, have a seat and I'll bring the plates over."

Silently Dean padded across the floor towards the table, puzzling the whole time about what was actually going on. Had he finally lost it? Was he trapped in his own mind, living in some sort of alternate reality? He sat quietly watching Cas as he placed a second mug of coffee at the other place setting and then went back to grab the food. He returned just as quickly with two plates of scrambled eggs, toast and a sliced orange. Finally, Cas sat in the chair opposite him at the table and took a sip of his own coffee.

Dean still hadn't said anything, and Cas didn't seem to notice or care. "Eggs are better when they are hot Dean, and you probably haven't eaten in a while. You'll feel better. Eat up"

Cas sat on his side of the table, his own fork half lifted to his mouth, watching Dean. "Seriously, you need the nutrition. Eat." He raised one eyebrow and cocked his head slightly. "I'm waiting"; his expression clearly said that this was a command and not a request.

Lost at sea might be the best way to describe what he was feeling. There was something about the tone of voice Cas used – Dean knew he was serious. Whatever, this was weird as shit, he might as well play along. He took a forkful and ate it, expecting a hard rubbery mess because everybody knew that Cas can't cook worth a damn.

"Holy shit, these eggs are delicious." If Dean was suspicious before, alarm bells were starting to sound at the back of his head. He was ravenous though, nausea forgotten, he shoveled them in as though he hadn't eaten in days - but maybe he hadn't.

"Thanks, I found the recipe on YouTube." That smile again. "How's the coffee?"

The coffee was damn near perfect too.

"Uh Cas?" Where he was speechless before, he now had a dozen questions.

"Yes Dean?"

"Why are you eating? You don't eat." Amused blue eyes met his guarded green ones.

"Well, two reasons. First my grace isn't what it was since being in the Empty and I find that I am enjoying food again, but mainly, I thought you would be more comfortable if we shared meals together, like other couples do."

"Other….couples?"

"That's right. Partners"

Dean looked at Cas long and hard, who seemed to be both enjoying this strange conversation and ignoring whatever waves of discomfort that were being thrown his way. Then his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.

"Are you wearing my clothes Cas?" Despite the oddness of both the situation and the question Dean had to admit to himself that Cas looked damn good in his clothes. A wave of uncomfortable desire swirled in his belly.

"Yeah, I hope you don't mind. Is that ok? I can always go buy my own if that's a problem"

Forget the breakfast, forget the coffee, and forget expression on Cas's face that looks like he's keeping some great wonderful secret. Cas was sitting across the table, wearing his clothes, and calling them a couple. What the actual fuck was going on?

"What am I missing here Cas? Is it April Fools Day? Are you and Sam playing a joke on me?"

A tinge of sadness quickly passed across Cas' face. "I didn't really expect you to remember, but I hoped that you would."

Pure panic coursed through his veins, followed by a sense of dread. Oh god, what did he do last night? What did they do? Not that he didn't want to, he did, he so did, but not like this, not when he was too drunk to even remember it. "Cas, did we, uh did anything, I mean I had a lot to drink after you left, did uh anything happen that maybe I might want to know about?"

"What do you remember Dean?" Blue eyes kept him stuck in place and unable to move.

"Honestly? Nothing."

"Do you really think I would take advantage of you like that?"

Embarrassment colored Deans cheeks at the question. "No Cas, I uh, was more worried that maybe I took advantage of you."

That caught Cas off guard. "You have nothing to worry about Dean."

Well, there was at least one relief. "Ok, good."

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"You told me to kiss my ass and walked out the door."

"Close enough. After that?"

Dean sighed, he might as well be honest. "I fell into a bottle of Jack Daniels."

"Just one?"

"No clue, why don't you tell me?"

Whatever happy bubble they'd been in at the table seemed deflated now. Cas's smile had been replaced with concern, not unlike Sam's resting bitch face, and something else. Something he hadn't seen in Cas for a long time. Not since before he fell, back when he had all of that badass don't give me your shit energy. Dean remembered thinking that was kind of hot at the time.

"What do you want me to say? I don't remember."

"I talked to Sam yesterday Dean, after I left."

"Good for you." Fun times were over, it had to be noon somewhere. Time for a drink. He got up and walked over to the fridge to grab a beer.

"You won't find any."

"Any what?"

"Beer. We are not done talking about this. Please sit down."

"Whatever, keep the clothes, You wanna play house that's fine too. I need a drink."

Castiel was up and crossed the kitchen before Dean had time to react. He grabbed Dean by the shoulders and looked him square in the face while Dean glowered back. He spoke to Dean quietly, calmly even, but there was no mistaking the steel behind his words or his expression.

"We are not finished talking. You can sit back down at the table with me or we can do it right here. But this conversation is getting finished. Do you understand?"

Dean wasn't used to this Cas, usually a little barb like the one he just thew sent Cas off his respective corner to regroup. He had no clue how to respond, he could feel tears well up in his eyes. Fuck, he felt off keel, like he had no control anymore. Cas and Sam were talking about him behind his back, this couldn't be good.

"What do you want from me?"

Cas folded Dean into a hug that he didn't ask for, belt felt too raw to reject. He tucked his head into the nape of Cas's neck, he smelled like his laundry soap and fresh cedar. He liked it, but the hug was way too short, and Cas was holding him at arms length again.

"Come and sit down with me Dean ok? Just talk to me. I want to help"

And just like that Dean let Cas lead him back over to the table and sat down. Cas sat opposite of him again, but this time he put his phone on the table between them and held both of his hands across the tabletop.

"Ok, first thing is first Dean. Do you promise to bear with me? We are going to talk, and then we are going to call Sam and all talk together. Can you do this with me?"

"I'd really like a drink if we are going to do this Cas."

"You can have water, or you can have the rest of your coffee. I need you to stay with me here."

Again with the long gaze, as though Cas was trying to will something into being.

"Coffee's fine I guess."

"Good, thank-you."

Cas held his hands still, showing no signs of letting go. Dean didn't mind really. It gave him something to anchor to.

"Dean, if you forget everything else we discuss in the next few minutes remember this: I love you. I have loved you from the very moment I pulled your soul out of hell and nothing that has happened between us ever has or ever will change that. I have lived for millennia and if I live for millennia more I will never stop loving you. Do you understand this?"

What was he supposed to say to that? His throat clogged up and he could feel his mouth tremble with emotion. He just bit his lower lip and nodded.

"I hear you."

"Good, because it's true." Cas's own eye were shining back, clearly emotional. "I know that you love me too. I know you do. And maybe you can't say it right now, but I know that someday you will be able to. Whatever hurts or fears you are hiding; I know that you can work through that to get to a place when you can say it. And until then, I'm just going to be here. You can't drive me away and I'm not leaving. I need you as much as you need me. If it takes the rest of time, I will wait. Do you understand that?"

Dean looked down at the table, he really didn't deserve this kind of goodness. How does Cas manage to pierce the darkness that never stops trying to pull him down and give him the courage to keep going?

"OK Cas."

"Dean please look at me." Dean lifts his gaze. "You deserve to be loved; you deserve to be happy."

Dean doesn't answer, it's not true.

Cas sighed, "It is true but maybe it will take time before you let yourself believe it."

Silence. Cas regarded him quietly. He rubbed his thumbs over the top of Deans hands in a gesture that was reassuring. He turned the left to weave his fingers with Dean's, the right he removed briefly to hit the facetime button on the phone, and then went back to thread those fingers through Dean's as well. The gesture is meant to be intimate and loving, but Dean knows that the grip is still firm enough to hold him in place. He couldn't leave if he wanted to, at least not without making a scene. And he was a little afraid, thinking he probably will want to. Especially when Sam joins them through facetime.

Again, Cas takes point.

"Hi Sam, thanks for waiting by the phone. This is a good time to talk?"

"Of course, hey Dean, how are you?"

"Hiya Sammy, good."

"Mmm." Sam looked like he didn't believe it.

"Dean, Sam, this is going to be uncomfortable, but we have to clear the air about this. We all need to move forward. OK?"

The other two were silent and waited for Cas to continue.

"In the interest of being transparent and honest from here on out Sam, you should know that I just told Dean that I love him and that come hell or highwater I won't be leaving again."

"Wasn't expecting to start there but, uh, congratulations?" Sam half chuckled wondering what the hell had happened since they parted ways yesterday.

"Second to that, I'm telling both of you now, that I'm all in and I expect both of you to treat me that way." He paused to look directly across the table to catch Dean's gaze before he continued. " Dean may not remember, but last night he told me that he loved me. It'll probably be a while before he can tell me sober. That's fine, I can wait, but from now on I'm Dean's significant other, next of kin, partner, whatever you want to call it. But it's me. Is that going to be a problem?" Cas wanted to add that Sam now had some margin to start building the life he wanted with Eileen, but he didn't, knowing Dean would take it wrong, thinking he was an obligation to be managed. Everything else though, he wanted to be crystal clear. This was the only way he could think to reach Dean and help Sam at the same time.

Sam and Dean responded at the same time with a "Tell us how you really feel." From the former and a "Jesus Christ Cas are you trying to kill me from embarrassment?"

Cas knew that had been his first big gamble of the conversation but noted that neither of them actually objected and he could see a little bit of tension ease out of Sam's shoulders. Clearly, Sam understood the subtext of what was happening. He smiled and gave Dean's hands a reassuring squeeze.

"Now that that's settled, lets move on."

"Thank God."

"Dean, after I left the bunker yesterday, I ran into Sam at the gas station on the outskirts of town. We ended up having a long talk, and he is the reason that I came back last night."

Dean looked at him warily, he didn't really like having his privacy breached. "Not sure how I feel about that guys."

Cas continued as if Dean hadn't spoken." Sam made me aware Dean that after Lucifer killed me, you didn't deal very well with my absence. That you volunteered for suicide missions and went so far as killing yourself on your hunt at the asylum. Is that true?"

Dean's heart rate jumped, where was this going? God damn he needed that drink. "That was then, but you are here now Cas, right? Like you just said that you weren't going anywhere so what does it matter now?"

Sam didn't look surprised by this turn in the conversation and Dean realized that he was being ambushed. "What the hell guys!? You're ganging up on me? Fuck that shit!" He tried to get up, but Cas wasn't letting go.

"Dean, please wait ok? Just talk to us." Sam was pleading, and he never could say no to Sam.

"Fine." Dean stopped pulling and sat back down.

"When I came back to the bunker last night, do you know where I found you?" It was a quietly spoken question but definitely also a loaded one.

"You tell me, you've got all the answers apparently."

"The dungeon. Do you remember going to the dungeon?"

"Nope."

"Do you remember where you left your gun?

Silence.

"It was sitting out on the shelf. Can you tell me why you left your gun out?"

Dean swallowed but kept silent and averted his eyes.

"After we fought, after I left. You started drinking, yes?"

"Yes."

"Were you planning to kill yourself last night Dean?"

"No." he still didn't look up and shook his head ever so slightly. His voice was barely above a whisper. "No."

"Why was your gun out Dean?"

Dean bit his lip, trying to figure out what he could say next to get through this with minimal damage to his psyche.

"I was planning to get black out drunk, and I didn't trust myself with it. So I put it out of my sight."

"Why didn't you trust yourself Dean?" Cas asked gently.

What the hell, might as well go all in. "I'm just so tired Cas, tired of all of it. I'm 41 years old, too broken to be any damn good to anyone, and I'm just tired of always being one step ahead of death. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier for, ah, all of us, if I, ah, just let go and let it catch me."

"Jesus Dean, you're killing me." It was Sam's turn to swallow hard and have his voice wavered. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Aww Sammy I didn't want you to worry. I'm fine, really. It's a just sometimes…when I drink too much and get stuck in my head. Don't worry."

"How do you think I would l feel, how Sam would feel if anything happened to you Dean?" Cas squeezed his hands again. Dean was embarrassed to be laid bare like this, but also maybe a little relieved to have everything out on the table.

"I'm sorry."

The three of them were silent for a moment, partially to collect their emotions so they could continue, and partially to just process what had just happened.

"Dean, there's more." Cas was like a dog with a bone today.

Dean lifted his head to meet Cas's gaze, his green eyes flashed. Wasn't this enough?

"Sam and I want to talk to you about your drinking. It's got to stop. You're losing control"

"Oh, so now it's an intervention? Well fuck maybe you two should be partners then, you work so well together." Dean pulled his hands away from Cas's grip, and stood up. "Both of you can fuck right off. I'm done."

He got three steps before Cas caught him. He grabbed his shoulder and spun him around somehow getting him seated back in his chair before he even knew what happened. "We. Are. Not. Finished."

Sam couldn't see everything from the angle of where the phone was placed but he could hear it and he could imagine the show down taking place. Cas was channeling the commander he used to be when he was in charge of an angelic garrison, and there really was no room for discussion in his tone.

Dean had sputtered apoplectically with anger; he did not take kindly to being manhandled. Cas however was stronger than he remembered. He couldn't get away. He felt trapped. He felt like a ping pong ball, his emotions were pulling him in six different directions at once.

"OK Dean, I will make this quick because I can tell you are about done. But you need to know that Sam and I have already discussed what is happening next. You can choose how you are going to react, but your other choices have been made for you. We love you and we are not going to lose you."

"Listen to Cas, he's right. He called me after he found you last night and he's right. I'm so sorry that I let it get this bad. I'm so sorry Dean." He was crying openly now, he looked about as traumatized as Dean felt.

"You got about three seconds before I kick your ass Cas, spit it out." All three off them knew Cas wasn't letting him go, Dean was just posturing.

"After you went to bed last night, I called Sam and explained the situation. I have removed every drop of alcohol in the bunker, it's gone, right down to your mouthwash. I am going to stay here with you while it clears your system, and Sam has agreed to cut his visit with Eileen short if we need help. From my research, simple withdrawal we can handle here, but if the effects are too much, we are taking you to the hospital for help because severe withdrawal can be dangerous, and my grace isn't strong enough right now to heal you. Second to that, I've taken your car keys, all of the car keys until after you are clear, and I can trust you not to go out and buy more alcohol."

Panic and fear blossomed in his chest, wining out over anger and a sense of betrayal. He drank to cope, he knew it was too much, it had been for awhile, but he didn't know how to stop. And if he did stop, he didn't know how he was going to keep the monsters at bay in his mind.

He also knew that they were right, he didn't want to turn into a belligerent drunken asshole like his dad and he didn't want Sam to watch him drink himself to death. He recognized this for the lifeline that it was and simply nodded, looking down again. "Ok, if you promise to stay with me, ok."

Castiel's grip on him changed, as he knelt beside him so he could look Dean in the face. His open expression had returned. "I'm so proud of you Dean, we are almost there ok? Just hold on."

It was Sam's turn to bring it home. "This last part is my idea ok? Jody knows this therapist who is familiar with our world, monsters and all that. I'm tired too you know, maybe not exactly the same as you, but I know that I need more help than I can do on my own and deep down you must know that you do too. I was hoping maybe we could start out together? Work out our shit at the same time, get some peace of mind? Would you do that with me Dean? I don't want to lose you and I don't want to live this way anymore either. Please? For me?"

"OK Sammy, for you. If you trust them, I'll go." Deflated and exhausted, he had no more fight left.

Cas reached towards the phone. "I can take it from here Sam, thank you for everything, we'll talk later."

He disconnected the call and still kneeling before Dean, placed a hand on each of his knees, searching Deans face to gauge which emotions battling inside were going to win over. After a moment it was clear that sorrow was going to be the victor.

"I'm just so tired Cas." Bitter sobs escaped Dean's throat and for the second time in a day he threw himself towards Cas looking for comfort. "So tired."

Cas welcomed him into his arms and folded him close, bringing them both down to sit on the floor because this was going to take awhile. "I know. It's going to be ok; I promise. I love you; I'm not leaving you. It's going to be ok." He soothed over and over, just holding Dean while he let the poison inside slowly start to drain out.