"So how are you enjoying the patrol so far, Robin?" asked Batman, as he and Damian landed on the roof of Gotham Cathedral.
"Yeah, it's…great, Dad," said Damian. "But this mask is a little uncomfortable," he added, adjusting it over his eyes.
"You'll get used to it," said Batman. "And while we're out in public, I think you should also get used to calling me Batman. Just so nobody suspects our real relationship – it's vitally important that our true identities remain secret."
"Right, Batman," repeated Damian, nodding. "You must like patrolling at Christmas – the view is great from up here," he commented, looking down at the Christmas lights decorating Gotham Square.
"I don't get a lot of time to appreciate it – crime usually keeps me busy," retorted Batman. "Speaking of which, we'd better start surveillance," he added, pulling out two sets of binoculars and handing one to Damian. "See what you can spot down in the square – there are usually pickpockets around, if not something worse."
"Ok," said Damian, pointing his binoculars down onto the square. He tried to focus on the people below, but he was distracted by the Christmas tree. He zoomed in on it, glancing over the lights and decorations, and his eyes fell at last on the people in front of it. Two of which he recognized…
"Oh no," he gasped, his eyes widening in horror as he stared at the Joker twins.
"You spot something?" asked Batman, appearing behind him suddenly and making him jump.
"No," said Damian, dropping the binoculars hastily. "No, it all looks…normal and crime-free down there."
"Wait a minute…aren't those the Joker's kids?" asked Batman, his binoculars focusing on Arleen and J.J. "And who's that with them? She looks…very familiar."
"I don't know," replied Damian. "But they look like they're just hanging out and having fun, so…"
"We need to keep an eye on them," interrupted Batman. "Where Joker's involved, trouble is never far behind, and I'm sure the same is true for his children."
"Uh…Dad…Batman…I'm sure there are a lot of crimes going on out there – it would be silly to follow these kids around on the off-chance they'll start some trouble, when no doubt there's a dastardly supervillain nearby thinking up a plan to harm a lotta people," said Damian. "Why don't you let me keep an eye on these children, and you can go stop crime elsewhere?"
"I'm not leaving you on your own with the Joker children," retorted Batman. "I left a Robin alone with their father, and he beat him to death with a crowbar. Besides, the Joker girl's got something in her hands – could be a bomb. It's a bag that looks vaguely bomb-shaped." He adjusted his earpiece, trying to listen in on the conversation. "She keeps referring to it as Titan, no doubt some sort of incredibly powerful super-weapon."
"I think it's actually…uh…a flour baby," stammered Damian.
"Flour baby?" repeated Batman, puzzled. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a…school project," said Damian. "I have one too, little Ra's, remember? I told you about it."
"The Joker girl is doing the same school project as you?" demanded Batman. "Does she go to your school?"
"Uh…yeah," stammered Damian. "At least, I think so – I haven't met her at all," he lied hastily.
"We might need to have a talk with your school," said Batman, frowning. "Or pull you out of it altogether, if they're letting children like that in. It's supposed to be an elite academy for Gotham's finest young minds, which the Joker's children definitely aren't. And I hate to think how he rustles up the money for tuition, assuming he does pay tuition and doesn't just threaten the school with violence, which is more likely."
"Batman, really, I think we should just leave them alone…" began Damian.
"You're not in charge here, Robin," interrupted Batman. "We discussed this - what's the first rule of being Robin?"
"Always do what Batman says," muttered Damian. "But Dad…"
"No buts," interrupted Batman. "And no Dad. Just follow me," he said, as the three children headed off down the street. They followed from the rooftops, shadowing their movements.
"We should just move in and arrest them right now," muttered Batman.
"Why?" asked Damian. "They haven't done anything wrong – they're just walking down the street…"
"They need to be arrested so they can be put into care and placed with a better family," interrupted Batman. "One who will teach them right from wrong. I wish I could have saved them a long time ago, because I'm guessing it's too late now. Anything I could do to intervene would just be met with resistance and hostility, even though it would be for their own good. But if they can't be saved, they need to be locked up, for their own good, and for the good of society."
"Batman, they're literally just standing there," said Damian, nodding at the children who were loitering in front of a jewelry store window.
"Probably thinking about coming back later and breaking into the store," said Batman.
That was not, in fact, what the children were thinking about – Rose was commenting on a brooch in the window shaped like a Christmas tree. "It sparkles just like the one in the square!" she exclaimed. "And it's so beautiful!"
"It belongs in your possession then," said J.J. "As all beautiful things do."
"Oh no, it's far too expensive!" exclaimed Rose.
"I'm betting I could get it at a steal," said J.J.
"What do you mean?" asked Rose, frowning.
"You'll see," said J.J. "Come on, let's go inside," he said, holding the door open for her.
They all three entered the store. "Ok, Leenie, distraction time," said J.J.
"Hi," said Arleen, striding up to the shop assistant on duty. "I'm wondering if I could take a closer look at this piece," she said, pointing to a diamond necklace locked in the glass case under the counter.
The shop assistant stared at her. "That costs $10,000, young lady," he said.
"I know – I can read the price tag," retorted Arleen. "Can you gift wrap it for an extra $20?"
"Forgive me, young lady, but I am skeptical that you can afford such a piece," replied the assistant.
"Listen, pal, do you know who I am?" demanded Arleen. "I'm the daughter of Veronica Vreeland, the billionaire socialite, and I wanna buy my mother the best Christmas present ever! She gave me her credit card for special occasions, and Christmas is definitely a special occasion!" she snapped, holding up a card. "So just do what I say – get the necklace out and let me look at it!"
"Yes, Miss Vreeland, right away," said the assistant, fumbling to open the case as he stammered repeated apologies. While Arleen distracted him, J.J. headed over to the window, casually reaching for the Christmas tree brooch.
"What are you doing?" asked Rose.
"Getting you your brooch," he said, swiping it and sticking it in his pocket.
"No, we can't just take it!" gasped Rose. "That would be stealing!"
"Yes, and?" asked J.J., looking at her blankly.
"Stealing is wrong," said Rose. "And I would never want something that's been stolen – I wouldn't feel right wearing it when I know it came at the expense of someone else's happiness. Please put it back," she said, with wide, pleading eyes gazing up at him.
"I've changed my mind about the necklace," announced Arleen, glancing to make sure her brother had swiped the brooch. "Maybe if you want to keep your business in future, you'll refrain from insulting your customers. Good evening."
She headed for the door. J.J. looked from her to Rose, who still gazed pleadingly at him. He gulped, and then headed for the door…and then swerved to the counter.
"I'd like to purchase this brooch, please," he said, removing it from his pocket and placing it on the counter.
"J.J., what are you doing?" hissed Arleen.
"Of course, sir," said the assistant. "That'll be $5,000."
J.J. gulped again, and then reached into his pocket again, withdrawing a credit card and handing it to the assistant, who swiped it. "Thank you, sir," he said, handing it back. He put the brooch in a box, and then handed it to J.J. "Happy holidays to you."
"You too," said J.J., heading for the door. Arleen stormed after him, furious.
"J.J., Mom and Dad gave us that credit card to make scams believable!" she snapped. "We're only supposed to actually use it in an emergency!"
"It was an emergency," he retorted. "Stealing is wrong, isn't that right, Rose?"
Rose followed him out of the shop, smiling at him. "That's right, J.J."
"This is for you," he said, handing her the box. "Merry Christmas."
Rose beamed at him, and then slowly raised herself up on her tip toes and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. "Thank you," she murmured.
J.J. gaped at her, and then began jumping up and down, laughing hysterically. "Oh God, the insanity is getting worse," muttered Arleen, burying her face in her hands.
Suddenly, a dark shape dropped down in front of them, reluctantly followed by a smaller shape. "Whatever you've stolen from that store, you're giving it back right now," growled Batman, as he glared at them. He suddenly recognized the girl accompanying the Joker twins, and his jaw dropped in astonishment.
"Rose?" he gasped.
"You know this moron?" asked J.J., gesturing at Batman.
"I don't believe so," said Rose, studying him. "I think I would have remembered such an unusual costume."
"You're…Poison Ivy's daughter, Rose," said Batman. "I have a…file on you, as I do on all the offspring of my enemies. You resemble Ivy, of course, which is why I recognized you. You don't need to be the World's Greatest Detective to figure out who a young girl with green skin might be related to. And you do kinda stand out…in a freakish way," he added, hating himself for being cruel to Rose, but knowing he couldn't risk her connecting him and Bruce Wayne.
"How dare you?" demanded J.J. "This gorgeous young lady is not a freak, and you're going to apologize for calling her that right now!"
"Why don't you challenge him to a duel too?" said Arleen, sarcastically.
"Don't think I won't!" retorted J.J. "I just need something to slap him across the face with…"
"I said get back in the store and return what you've stolen!" interrupted Batman, glaring at J.J.
"I haven't stolen anything, not that it's any of your business," replied J.J. "You're not the police, no matter how much you like to think you are. I bought this young lady a brooch that I paid for, fair and square."
"A likely story!" snapped Batman. "You think I'm stupid or what?"
"Yes, but that has nothing to do with the fact that I paid for the brooch," retorted J.J. "Here's the receipt," he added, holding it up.
Batman grabbed it. "You paid with a stolen credit card," he said, accusingly.
"Wrong again, World's Greatest Detective," retorted J.J., pulling out the card. "It's my parents' card, in their names, see?" he added, peeling back the sticker which read Veronica Vreeland to reveal the names The Joker and Harley Quinn. "They have an account at the First National Bank of Gotham – that's why it doesn't get robbed anymore," he explained. "My parents set up their account there, and savings accounts for me and my sister shortly after we were born. Our grandparents send us a check for Hanukkah we deposit there every year – I'm glad I saved those up, as I'm gonna need to pay Mom and Dad back for Rose's present with them."
"So…it looks like no crime has actually been committed, Batman," spoke up Robin. "So why don't we just leave these people alone, and go stop actual crimes now?"
"Not so fast – what about this so-called flour baby?" demanded Batman, rounding on Arleen. "Who names their baby Titan? You expect me to believe that it's just a school project, and not a cover for some deadly weapon?"
"Wow, you really need to work on your paranoia," retorted Arleen. "This is just a bag of flour. And it's also my baby until Christmas break is over."
"I'll be the judge of that!" snapped Batman, grabbing the flour bag from her.
"Hey! Give me back my baby!" shouted Arleen, leaping toward him and grabbing the bag back. The two struggled, and Batman finally wrenched it clear of her hands. In doing so, the bag tore open, and flour spilled out onto the streets.
"My baby!" shrieked Arleen. "You killed my baby! You monster!" she screamed, attacking him.
Batman tried to subdue her without hurting her, shouting, "Robin, bring the Batcuffs!"
"Hands off my sister, freak!" shouted J.J., shoving Robin away and grabbing Arleen's hand. He yanked her away from Batman, and then grabbed Rose's hand and shouted, "Run!"
The children tore off down the street. "Come on!" shouted Batman, racing after them.
"But Batman, they didn't do anything wrong!" exclaimed Robin.
"They attacked me!" he shouted. "Assault is a crime, and we're going to arrest them for it!"
Robin followed Batman, feeling his stomach plummet as they gained on the children. The last thing he wanted to do was arrest his friends, but his father seemed determined to do that, and nobody could deter Batman once his mind was made up. Except…
A purple car pulled up next to the children at that moment. "Hop in, kiddos!" shouted Joker, throwing open the door.
"Dad, how did you know we were in trouble?" gasped J.J., relieved, as he helped Rose into the car.
"Trust me, I have a sixth sense for knowing when the Bat's around," retorted Joker. "I call it my Batsense, and it was definitely tingling! Everyone in? Where's Titan?" he asked, noticing Arleen wasn't holding her flour bag.
She looked at him with tears in her eyes. "Batman killed him," she whispered.
Joker's hands tightened on the wheel. "It's bad enough that his first kill is a bag of flour, but it didn't have to be my grandkid!" he muttered. "He'll pay for that with his ultimate humiliation! Hang on to your hats, kiddies!" he exclaimed, slamming on the gas.
Batman watched the purple car speed off, and then pressed a button on his gauntlet. "Get in," he said, as the Batmobile pulled up to the curb.
"But Batman…" began Robin.
"I said get in!" shouted Batman. Robin obeyed, and Batman leaped into the car, tearing after the Jokermobile.
"He's gaining on us, Dad," commented J.J., looking out the back window.
"Don't worry – your Daddy has an ace up his sleeve," chuckled Joker. "I've always wanted to do this!" he giggled, pressing a few buttons on the dashboard. "Get ready to sing along, kiddy-winks!"
The radio in the car began blaring Jingle Bells as the Jokermobile screeched into a u-turn, racing head on toward the Batmobile. "What the…" began Batman, but he was suddenly blinded as several dozen objects shot out from the Jokermobile, impacting on his windscreen and covering it in splatter. Batman tried to use the wipers, but they did little to clear the goo which looked like…
"Eggs?" stammered Batman.
"Rotten eggs," added Robin, plugging his nose.
"Good old Egghead supplied me with those – thank you, Vincent!" shouted Joker, as he rolled down his window and held up a playing card. "And now, Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg…"
Joker threw the playing card at a wheel, and it exploded. The Batmobile lurched to the side as Batman tried to turn into the busted tire, screeching the car to a halt.
"The Batmobile lost a wheel, and the Jokers got away!" sang the Joker, J.J., and Arleen, smiling and waving out the window as they drove off into the night.
Batman glared after them. "This isn't over, Jokers," he muttered.
"I was afraid of that," sighed Robin.