You are going to hate me x
It was weird, things finally felt like they were looking up even if they were far from it. The fact that Carla confided in something which she had probably wished to say for ages was something that he actually cherished in a weird sort of way because it actually made him realise that she trusted him, he was unsure whether she did ever since she was admitted into the psychiatric hospital but yesterday just made him feel so much more relaxed at the fact their trust was building.
He had been spending a lot of time with Aziza, she had been writing letters to Carla and he had been passing them onto Dr Williams to check before handing them over to Carla who read them with a sense of adoration for her daughter's grown-up words. Every night Aziza and Peter would sit together before she went to bed and write a series of letters together before deciding on which one Carla would like to read, some of the letters Carla took well to and others not so well and it always worried Aziza when this happened, she could always tell when this was as Peter would be dismissive over the whole thing so it hurt her to an extent but she knew that her Dad didn't like to lie to her as he had done in the past.
"Can you give her this one?" Aziza asks, her eyes wide and her teeth clamped over her bottom lip, Peter chuckles slightly taking the letter off her
"Fine just one more this week though we don't want to bombard her" Peter chuckles slightly, Azza rolls her eyes and heads upstairs, the phone goes off and he picks it up "Dr Williams...what? He never told me...he's there now?... Was she distressed?...very right, ugh it's just annoying when they don't listen to me...I understand yeah, does she want to see me?...ok then I'll head out...yeah see you soon"
"Everything alright?" Michelle asks leaning on the wall beside the staircase
"No Johnny went to see Carla didn't he, she accepted but she wasn't ready at all so she's very scared and traumatised, I have no idea what's going through her head it scares me"
"Oh Peter, we told him not to and he ignores us so that's great"
"Yeah it's just annoying, I get that he's trying to help but him interfering isn't going to help" Peter laments, she nods slowly biting her lip "Anyway I guess I should get off to see Carla, are you ok taking Zi to school?"
"Yeah it'll be fine as it's a Friday I might take her for ice cream after, I'll bring Azalea as well" she smiles, Peter nods trudging upstairs to change into something dark and morbid for Carla sop she could accept him...
He raced to the hospital and signed in, Dr Williams immediately sat Peter down and from that point on he knew deep in his gut that something had happened in the short time frame since Dr Williams phoned him at home. Peter gulped when he sat down, he was thinking the worst and he left Dr Williams to explain that Carla had in fact injured herself so badly she was on the highest level of supervision that she had been on since arriving here and at that point for Peter it felt as if it was a case of taking one step forward and two steps back. Dr Williams eventually showed Peter into Carla's room where she was sitting in the corner with her blanket draped over her shoulders rocking herself back and forwards knocking her knuckles off her head, he sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of her until she eventually looked up and acknowledged his presence.
"Hey beautiful" Peter whispers, she shuffles over to him and sits herself down on his lap "What happened then? Dr Williams said you've had a difficult day"
"I don't want to talk about it" she whispers fiddling with the bandage on her arm, Peter takes her hand into his "How's Zi?"
"I have another letter for you" Peter whispers, her eyes light up briefly in response to this, he passes it to her "Dr Williams checked it through"
"Ok" she responds quietly tearing it open and reading it "I want to see her"
"That's good" Peter smiles slightly "Maybe next week eh? You've had a tricky week this week"
"Maybe" she muses biting her lip, he adjusts her in his arms so she's a bit comfier "How are you?"
"I'm good, I'm more worried about you though, I heard Johnny came to see you, did he say anything at all?"
"We talked about my childhood" she response vaguely, he nods slowly feeling slightly guilty for making her feel this way "I'm not mad at you"
"Sorry it's just, it upset me you know..." he trails off, she nods with a lopsided smile "What did he say then?"
"We spoke about Aidan and Kate" she responds sadly, Peter nods pouting his lips and kissing her on the forehead "How they had a better life than me"
"What did Johnny have to say about that?"
"He always used to look out for me apparently, never saw it though maybe was too oblivious" she shrugs chewing her lip "We spoke a bit about my stepfather"
"Oh?"
"It wasn't very nice, it hurt and then it made me want to hurt myself which is what I did, I'm sorry" she replies sadly, he shakes his head knowing she had nothing to be sorry for
"You have nothing to be sorry about" he whispers allowing her to rest her head between his neck and shoulder whilst he holds her hand "What did you do to yourself?"
"Cut" she replies vaguely, Peter nods slowly "It didn't hurt, never does"
"Oh love" he whispers kissing her on the forehead "It's good you can identify it, did you get any visitations? Hallucinations?"
"A few" she murmurs quietly "They're not here now, I feel safer when with you"
"I'm so happy you feel that way with me" he massages her scalp, she hums slightly
"How's Azalea?"
"Yeah shes good I know she's a baby but I think she misses you" he responds trying not to seem too pleased with the fact she asked after their baby "She's grown a lot since you gave birth"
"Yeah" she whispers blinking rapidly "I don't really hate her, they hate her" she points to her forehead, he nods knowing what she meant anyway "I'm sorry for being like this"
"Don't apologise you can't help it" he murmurs "Is Azalea a trigger for you?"
"Kind of" she mumbles, he nods slowly not really knowing how they would get past this situation if she was "I do love her though, deep down"
"I know you do, she's our little girl" he smiles, she grins up at him and kisses him gently on the lips "Do you want to do anything or just cuddle?"
"Cuddle, in bed" she states getting up and grabbing her blanket, she slides into bed and he follows her grateful that she was allowing him to hold her "When I get out...if I get out...can we go away?"
"Hm? Go away where?"
"I don't know just away" she whispers resting her head on his chest, he smiles at her and massages her scalp "I just want to be free"
"You will be free" he whispers knowing she was referring to the prisoners which were inside of her head, the voices and the visions which dance around in her life, he could tell her longing to be free was something that she craved "Once we get you better"
"I'm feeling better"
"Happier?" he queries, she looks up at him and nods "Aziza's letters are helping?"
"Very much" she nods returning to fiddle with the bandage "Do you remember when we took Aziza to her first day of primary school?"
"Yep" he grins, she laughs slightly "You hated my guts"
"I did" she confirms internally laughing at her thoughts...
7th September 2015
I was dreading today, a possible war between Nick and Peter was something I was not looking forward to. Ever since me and Peter split, Aziza never really had a father figure in her life, I would send Peter pictures of her, a quick email about how she was doing and whether she was meeting her milestones and that immediately led to him asking whether he could be there on her first day of school. He came back to Weatherfield the day before to be with his daughter and to say that he got a massive shock when he arrived was an understatement as he was very disapproving of me going out with his arch-enemy. The thing that hurt was that I understood completely as it probably reminded him of the custody battle he had with Simon but I was happy right now and I wasn't going to let Peter Barlow ruin my happiness. No way.
"Zi!" I scream, she runs out of her room with a frown on her face "Oh you're there"
"Yes, I am" she sasses me, I raise an eyebrow
"Get Nick to help you with your uniform please?" I ask, she rolls her eyes and walks into her bedroom again "Don't bother then...Nick!"
"You've got a fresh set of lungs on you, calm down!" Nick chuckles walking into the room, I just smile pecking him on the lips "What's got you in this state?"
"Zi, Peter...ugh everything really"
"Why don't I make breakfast then you go and sort Zi out with her uniform?" Nick suggests, I sigh in relief and walk into Aziza's bedroom to help her with her uniform
"Here" I sigh shaking my head helping her put her tights on then her shoes, I grab the hairbrush and brush through her hair before picking up a hair tie and tying it up "High or low?"
"High!" she beams as I put her ponytail as high as I could, well that was deemed acceptable anyways "Thank you"
"No problem, are you excited?" I question, she nods eagerly picking up her bookbag "Are you nervous about seeing daddy again?"
"Yeah" she admits shuffling slightly, I nod
"It'll be fine, I'll be there don't worry" I kiss her on the forehead "We should get going otherwise we're going to be late" I take her hand she nods
"And how are my girls?" Nick questions lifting Aziza onto his hip "Are you going to have fun at school missy?"
"Yes!" she exclaims, I chuckle slightly
"Right we best head off, Peter will be waiting for us" I roll my eyes trying to keep the bitterness out of my tone watching as Nick places Aziza on the floor, I take her hand
"Do I not get a kiss?" he questions innocently, I peck him on the lips "Have fun with the ex"
"Hilarious" I grin before leaving the flat, we walk down the stairs and over the road towards Ken's, I knock on the door
"Carla" Ken smiles stepping aside to let us go in, Aziza grins up at Ken and waves "Hello Zi"
"Hi" she glints cheekily up at him, I roll my eyes
"The novelty will soon wear off," I say to Ken who nods in agreement gesturing for us to go through into the living room "Peter"
"Carla" he smiles at me, I glance to Aziza who was standing slightly behind me "Hi Aziza"
"Hello" she responds shyly, she gingerly steps out and sits on the sofa beside him glancing up at me
"Why don't you tell Daddy about how much you're looking forward to school?" I suggest noticing the lack of conversation between Peter and Aziza, I knew she was weary with all of the animosity between myself and her father
"I can't wait to make new friends and I cant wait to play with them all" she responds enthusiastically, Peter nods slightly uncomfortable with this whole thing
"Zi why don't you go upstairs and go to the toilet before we start the walk?" I suggest she nods heading upstairs "I get it's awkward I do but she needs stability, I don't want to seem like I'm having a go it's just...ugh I don't want her to be confused further"
"I understand, I'm just a bit mindblown at how much she's changed, photos sometimes aren't enough to see that" Peter shrugs, I nod slowly kind of unsure, maybe I was just trying to see if he was being honest "We should get going soon"
"Yeah, I guess" I muse as Aziza reappears "Right are you ready sweetheart?"
"Yeah I'm ready" she grins up at me taking my hand, she looks at Peter and takes his hand "Can we go?"
"Come on then" I chuckle as we leave the house, she takes my hand as well as Peter's as we begin to walk to the school
"I know how to write my name" Aziza grins up at Peter he chuckles slightly at her "I also learnt how to ride a bike, Nick taught me and I spend time with Max and his sister Lily, she's only a couple of years old, I also go to swimming class every Wednesday"
"That sounds really good, do you enjoy it?" Peter questions as we continue to walk, Aziza looks up at him and smirks
"Of course I do otherwise I wouldn't speak about it"
"Aziza" Carla scolds knowing she was coming across as very much like she knew it all "We've spoken about this"
"Carla it's fine" he flashes me a smile, I nod slowly "She's just excited
The fact that he had the nerve to tell me how to parent my child hurt a bit considering he hadn't been around for almost the last year
"I know" I try to keep my cool, luckily we approached the school gates, we navigate our ways through all the parents standing there until we find Aziza's classroom, I bend down in front of her trying to keep my emotions intact especially in front of Peter "Right, are you going to be good for the teachers?"
"Yes!" she beams
"And are you going to make loads of friends?"
"Of crouse" she grins, I roll my eyes "Can I go in now?"
"Go on then" I smile, she leans up to kiss me on the cheek, she takes Peter's hand and kisses it before flouncing off into the classroom
"Are you ok?" Peter asks, I turn to him and smile
"Yeah, it's just she's been with me ever since she was born, I'll be fine, we should walk back now"
"I'm surprised you don't want to talk to any of the other parents?" he nudges me in the side, I smirk at him and shake my head knowing exactly what he meant
"Hardly little Miss Sociable am I, I don't know where she gets it from" I chuckle folding my arms across my chest as we continue to walk
"You've done a good job with her" Peter smiles, I nod slowly "I know I haven't been there for a good part of a year but I still care"
"I know you do, I would never say you didn't, you're making sure that she's still able to see you in a positive way instead of the way it was like before-"
"I will never forgive myself for what I put you both through for causing you to-"
"Peter, it's in the past now, we need to move on...so when are you going back to Portsmouth?"
"In a few days so I was thinking maybe I could take her to school one day? On my own"
"Fine by me, it means I get a lay-in, maybe I might let you have her overnight, she's stayed with Ken before so..."
"Yeah?" Peter questions, I nod "I would love to have her as long as it's ok with you of course?"
"Peter, you're her father I still want her to have a relationship with you" I smile slightly offering an olive branch felt so odd considering the pain he caused me "Unless you don't want a relationship with her?"
"Me? Of course, I do" he chuckles, I nod slowly "I love her, I couldn't imagine my life without her"
"Good" I smile, there was something endearing about hearing Peter say that about our child "She loves you too"
"I don't know, I caused her a lot of pain"
"She loves you, Peter, you don't need to worry about things like that, no matter what happened between us I will never let her forget you, yes you have your faults but you are her father no one can take that away from you"
"Thank you" he smiles, I can see how sincere he is "You could have told me to get lost but thank you for not doing that"
"I could have yes, but it wouldn't have been fair on Zi"
"Zi?" he questions, Carla chuckles
"She likes people calling her Zi" I respond with a cheeky grin, he raises his eyebrows "Trust me there's so much you need to catch up on"
"Let me tell you something Carla, I am so looking forward to these next few days"
"She will always be your little girl" she pokes him in the cheek, he smiles "I wish Johnny would have given me the time of day"
"Oh love" he breathes in the scent of her hair "She's yours as well"
"I don't deserve her, my mind sometimes hates her, my mind loves her as well, she doesn't deserve that confusion" she sighs shaking her head, his heart breaks at her confession
"She loves you, that's why you deserve her" Peter responds, she looks up at him and sighs slightly "And you will get better then you will be able to see her"
"Yeah I can't wait until I can see her" she responds, Peter smiles to himself at the face that Aziza would make Carla happy "Do you reckon my Mum hated me?"
"I don't know love" he didn't want to say what he thought as he didn't want to hurt her "What do you think?"
"She hated me to...do certain things to me"
"Did she do anything else to you then?" he questions, he knew it was a bit forward and that she would get defensive
"I don't want to talk about it"
"That's fine we don't have to" he smiles, she nods slowly "You look tired"
"Yeah, I was up all night, couldn't sleep"
"Did you ask the nurses for something to help you sleep?" he questions, she just chews her lip and shakes her head
"I need to be able to communicate with them, that's not how it works" she states, he bites his lip sensing her mood shift slightly "They need to be able to have access to my mind, Peter, they need to tell me things and if I was sleeping then they wouldn't be able to do that and as a result, I wouldn't feel safe but then I don't feel safe anyway and then I get scared and sad and then I don't know what to do"
"Ok calm down" he whispers, she shakes her head sitting up and crossing her legs and glancing down to her hands which were clasped together in her lap "Hug?"
"No" she shakes her head throwing her head back and letting out a tired sigh "Get out of my head!"
"It's ok" Peter reassures her, she just bashes her fist on her leg "What are they saying?"
"No" she shakes her head again, one of the nurses sit on the bed beside her and takes her hand "Please" she whimpers "Make it stop please"
"Oh love" he murmurs watching her rip off her bandage, he gulps at the gashes in her arm
"I'm scared Peter, please I want to go home with you, I feel safe with you, please" she begs, he just sighs offering his hand to her which she fiddles with "Please"
"I'm so sorry sweetheart but you need to stay here where you can get better" Peter responds sadly she just cries before punching the wall "Alright I know, I know baby, you're scared"
"I am!" she exclaims before breaking down into tears, she shuffles over to him and curls up beside him draping the duvet over them both, he feels her shaking
"It's ok, let's calm down" he murmurs lifting her onto his lap, he runs his fingers through her hair "It's ok, I'm here"
"Please never leave" she whimpers tiredly into the side of his neck, the scent of him calming her ultimately "I'm sorry for everything, I will try harder-"
"Carla, you don't need to try harder, you're doing amazingly well, you've made so much progress" he whispers, she nods slowly "You just need to believe in yourself"
"I don't know if I can" she mumbles, he kisses her on the forehead "I want to get better, I do"
"But?"
"But they won't leave" she points to her head, he smiles sympathetically a her "What am I going to do Peter?"
"I don't know but I recommend trying to get some sleep" he responds noticing the dark circles under eyes "Your mind is probably tired sweetheart"
"Maybe" she muses pushing him down slightly and resting her head on his chest, he holds her "Stay? Until I'm asleep?"
"Of course" he smiles running his fingers through her hair until she fell asleep, he kept checking on her making sure that she was sound asleep, he kisses her gently on the forehead and moves off the bed double checking that she was still asleep before smiling and leaving the room to go back home...
He arrived back home and he was immediately greeted by Michelle who offered to make them all some lunch, she noticed that he looked a little worse for wear and that he was exhausted so in a way he was grateful for the offer. Peter sat down at the dining room table and Michelle placed a plate down in front of him and he immediately tucked into his food. He spoke to her about how Carla was and how she was really struggling no doubt down to Johnny, and the fact she wouldn't elaborate on her past and that it hurt him a lot and he was struggling so Michelle suggested that he goes to a meeting just to settle his nerves which he did. When he got back Michelle had gone to collect Aziza and they all sat down together again, she could tell that his head just wasn't in the right place even after the meeting so after the kids went to bed she decided that she would od some digging.
"What's going on Peter?" Michelle sighs sitting beside him, he gulps shaking his head "Please I want to help"
"I saw her when she was in the midst of one of those mini-episodes she was having" he mumbles, she nods slowly taking one of his hands "It was horrible seeing her like that, one of the nurses was sitting on the edge of the bed, the only way I can describe it was someone else taking complete control of her body, it just wasn't Carla although it was her physically, I don't know how to describe it and I suppose it just got to me"
"That's completely understandable" Michelle smiles supportively "We'll get her back, we will I've said it before and I will say it again because Carla is the strongest person I have ever known she will do this, she will beat whatever demons she has in that head of hers. You are not alone Peter, you will never be alone and I have so much hope for her to get out of that place"
"She's lucky to have you, you know" he smiles at her, she nods slowly chewing her lip "So lucky Michelle"
"Doesn't feel like it most of the time on her part though" Michelle mumbles glancing down to her hands Peter tilts her head up to look at him, he leans in and she pulls away "What are you doing?"
"I, ur-"
"This can't happen" she shakes her head "Carla needs you. Are you mad? Carla's scared out of her brain and you're here trying to kiss me?!"
"I'm sorry!" he shouts before bursting into tears "I just want her back, I want to hold her and I want her to be safe but she isn't Michelle, she's not safe and I can't do anything about it, I love her with all my heart and she is her own worst enemy right now, sometimes I have these dreams where I dream of waking up and seeing her in the bathroom, blood all over the floor from where she's attempted to kill herself and then I wake up and it's not real, that hurts Michelle so much! I can't do this I can't be so perfect anymore because I miss her I need her in my life but this Carla is different I don't know what I can do to help her get better, I just want my wife back!"
"I know!" Michelle cries "I want my friend back and we will get her back but this isn't the answer!"
"I know that" he snaps rubbing his forehead in exasperation "I don't know what I can do to make everything better, Aziza and Azalea they need their Mum and I don't know if they will ever get her back again, all Azalea has is three brief minutes of her mothers touch that's all she has and Aziza has the most amazing memories of her but it will never be enough so much that she may never have them again!"
"I'm sorry" Michelle whimpers wiping her eyes where tears were starting to form "I'm so sorry!"
"Well so I am I!" he cries, she brings him in for a hug "This is too much Michelle I can't do this, I can't keep doing this but I love her so much it hurts!"
"Me too" she whispers, "Me too"
They both cry together knowing that things would never be the same again, that things would never be same again but there was one thing they did know and that was the fact they all had a future even if it did seem bleak at times...