(Author's note: This chapter's song is "Take me Away" by Avril Lavigne. Listen before you start reading. 😊 )
I fell asleep with love haze and I woke up to fear. I just can't believe it… How can I be so stupid? Of course, no one can feel at will.
But why him? Why Negan?
Am I in love? Or is this just some kind of strange attraction?
I wanted to bang my head against the wall. The whole situation was so unbelievable.
I was scared too. What if Maggie finds out? Will she want to kill me too?
I could understand her. I would definitely kill the lover of the man who murdered my husband. An eye for an eye. I buried my face into my hands. Is it worth it?
I felt like I couldn't think straight. I couldn't breathe. What should I do? No one has control over their feelings. No one.
How did I feel about Daryl? I wasn't sure.
I went out to tend to my garden, deep in thoughts. Michonne stepped next to me, I jumped a little, I got scared.
- Are you alright, Quinn? – she asked.
- Ah, yes, sorry. I was just deep in thoughts.
- I didn't mean that. Sorry, I scared you, though.
- It's okay. – my heart almost jumped out. Does she suspect anything?
- I mean, how are you? You don't seem to be talking to anyone.
- I never talk to anyone. Just Carol, but she moved to the Kingdom.
- Wouldn't it be better for you to follow her? You seem depressed lately.
She wants to send me away? Then I'll never be able to see Negan and find out what's going on! I got scared. Also, she suspects something, but not the actual thing.
- No, everything's fine.
She frowned her eyebrows.
- Did something happen with Negan? Did he harm you in any way?
- No, of course not. He is harmless. I mean since he is locked up. I'm just… scared.
- Of what?
- I don't know. Maybe apocalypse depression. I could die tomorrow.
I didn't lie, actually I thought this, but the chances of me dying were higher since I fell in love with the devil.
- Maybe you should talk to Gabriel or Siddiq about this.
- No, I'm fine. Thank you for asking. – I smiled at her, like everything was fine and I didn't fall in love with Negan.
- Okay… - she nodded, but I could see it in her eyes she was suspecting something was going on.
I thought I will ask her to come in, but I was afraid someone important like her wouldn't have time, so I didn't even bother her. It's nice that she asked how I was, though. I smiled a little.
I was going crazy. I talk to myself, I smile when no one's around.
I should bring Negan breakfast. But I was too embarrassed to go down there. He must be hungry…
I sighed and went inside to prepare his meal.
I stopped on the street for a moment. I took a deep breath. I didn't know what to expect from him.
I went down, my hands were shaking.
He leapt to his feet when he saw me, came right to the iron bars.
- Hey. – he said with a wide smile. How could he be so handsome? Murderers should be ugly. It's a crime already.
- Hi. – I said and handed him his breakfast. I think he noticed my hands were shaking when he took the plate.
- Are you alright? – he asked with an impish look. He definitely knew I was shaking because of him. What an asshole. I wanted to turn around, to run away. I felt awkward, so I did exactly that.
I heard him giggle as I left.
It was so embarrassing. I felt like a thirteen-year-old girl. Of course, I had boyfriends before, but not after this shit started. I didn't know what to do, how to act. It was comfortable that I could ran away, because he was locked. I should behave like an adult. I took deep breathes, then I went back down.
He was sitting on his bed, eating. He smiled when he saw me come back.
- Do not say a word. – I said. He was just giggling. I rolled my eyes.
- You are so cute, you know. – he said, still smiling.
- I said don't say anything.
- Don't worry. I don't bite.
- Bet you do.
He was laughing again. He finished his meal and came to the bars, gave back the plate.
- Your hands are not shaking. – he pointed out.
- They weren't shaking.
- Yea, they were. – he took my hand and caressed it. I felt my face was turning red. He smiled widely, I was looking at the ceiling and the walls anything but him. He is such a handsome devil. Finally, I looked at him.
- What? – I asked. He shrugged his shoulder.
- Do you wanna talk about it?
- No. – I said no so fast I surprised myself.
He frowned his eyebrows, stopped caressing my hand. He thought I was playing with him.
- I meant it. – I said quickly. He continued caressing my hand.
- Then why…?
- Why did you kiss me? – I finally said it. I looked him in the eye. He seemed to be embarrassed.
- Just… why not? – he said laughing nervously it wasn't believable at all.
- I'm scared. Of Maggie. – I said.
He looked at me seriously.
- I understand. – he let go of my hand and backed away from the bars.
- We can't do this… I don't want them to kill you. Michonne already asked me in the morning if I wanted to go after Carol and move to the Kingdom… If someone finds out… Maybe we will never see each other again.
He turned his back on me as I was talking to him. He looked at the ceiling, his hands in his pocket.
- Then go. It will be suspicious if you stayed down here for so long.
I nodded my head and left.
He was right.
And I knew he knew I was right.
I breathed heavily. Just as I got back to my house I started to cry. I collapsed, sat down on the floor.
Carol is right, he is right and I'm right.
This won't work out. And now he is disappointed in me.
I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know how I felt. I was scared. For his life and my own. I didn't know what to do. Maybe, I should stay away from him…
(Author's notes: Listen to "Let you love me" by Rita Ora. Thank You for reading! 3 )