"So," Nil said when they'd left Kryse behind, "how is it you know the Tenakth code?"

"Hm?" Aloy glanced to where he was riding at her side.

"'The strong take from the weak, and in doing so are made stronger,'" he recited. "You know the exact words to the code the Tenakth live by. How is that?"

"I fought one once," Aloy replied. "She was…When I visited Sunstone Rock, it was being attacked by Behemoths that an Oseram prisoner had lured there; I killed them, but he and two other prisoners had escaped. Janeva asked me to hunt them down and kill them, and one of them was a Tenakth woman who ran with the jungle bandits-"

"Ulita?!" Nil exclaimed.

"You knew her," Aloy sighed, fully aware that she shouldn't have been surprised. "Of course you did."

"I hadn't been out of prison for very long when I met you," Nil pointed out. "Yes, I know Ultia; she's how I know the Tenakth code, too." He smiled. "You killed her, I take it?"

"Yeah," Aloy replied. "As she died, she said I'd fought like a Tenakth, and she would have raised me as her own. I said she couldn't just take a child, and that's when she told me her tribe's code. Boasted about everything she'd had, and asked me to drink her blood so her stories would live on."

"Did you?"

"No," Aloy said. "I have enough stories to carry."

Nil chuckled. "I was starting to think you just did anything anyone asked of you, aside from me," he remarked. "Good to know you have other limits. And what about the others Janeva asked you to kill, you take them out too?"

"They got themselves killed," Aloy answered. "But I was there, and was able to tell Janeva as much."

The former Carja soldier sighed. "It's a crime that Janeva wasn't able to hunt them down and kill them personally," he grumbled, and when Aloy glanced at him, she saw his silver eyes were momentarily distant, a smile playing about his lips. The moment passed, and he turned his smile on Aloy. "But, if she couldn't do it herself, I'm glad she at least had you to turn to."

Curiosity bubbled in Aloy's chest, and before she knew it, she was speaking. "Nil…I'm sorry, but I really have to ask, what was your relationship with Janeva?" she inquired.

"What do you mean?" he asked. Was that unease that flickered across his face?

"I mean…every time she comes up, you smile," Aloy said slowly. "It's clear that you think fondly of her. And…she respects you, even cares about you, even though she hates criminals."

"What makes you think she cares about me?" Nil asked, his eyes widening.

"When I asked her about you…after she remarked on what you call yourself, she immediately asked if you were well," Aloy answered.

"Did she?" His voice was soft, and there was something in his eyes that didn't suit his single-minded bloodlust. "What did you tell her?"

"I told her I wouldn't exactly say you were well, and that seemed to be answer enough for her," Aloy told him.

He huffed a surprised laugh that didn't really hold any mirth.

Doubly curious now, Aloy pressed on. "She told me you were born under a long, dark shadow, but that you weren't a blade without a thought behind it, like the butchers of the Sun-Ring," she continued. "She said you had an old-fashioned sense of honor, and that your time at Sunstone Rock boiled it to the surface."

"She really said that?" His attention was turned to the path they were traveling, but Aloy didn't miss the way his jaw muscle twitched. "Did she say anything else?"

"No," Aloy replied, "that was all she seemed inclined to say. Even so, considering how much she hates criminals, it was high praise."

"Yeah…that was sweet of her," he agreed, almost wistfully. "Especially after all that happened…"

"Nil…who was she to you?" Aloy asked again.

"Why do you need to know?" he asked in response, and it didn't escape her notice that he was actually evading her inquiries despite what he'd said the previous night, clumsy though his attempt to do so was.

Still, it was a valid question. "You said you wanted to earn my trust," Aloy responded, "but I still don't have any reason to believe you can be trusted. You think fondly of Janeva, but your partner, the one who died right before I met you, you just shrugged off his death like you didn't care. I…want to understand, better, how you think of the people you fight with. Maybe then I can understand how much I can trust you with my own life."

"I wouldn't dismiss your death like I did Stefan," Nil assured her. "You and Stefan are in very different categories as far as I'm concerned."

"Stefan…?" Aloy blinked, recognizing the name. "Your partner was your best friend?! And you didn't care that he died?!"

"Like I told you, I lost a lot of respect for him the day he surrendered to the rebellion without a fight," Nil shrugged. "He was all I had after I got out of prison, but I was already getting tired of his company. Stefan was a…unique mix of brazen and cowardly - if he thought he could get a kill without much effort, he'd charge in without a second thought, but if he was faced with a real challenge, he'd run away. He was getting cocky after the last bandit camp we cleared together, and I remarked that maybe he wasn't such a coward after all, which might be why he went on ahead without me at Devil's Thirst." Another shrug. "I don't miss him. If anything, I'm glad he got himself killed; if he hadn't, I might never have had the honor of meeting you." At this, he flashed his teeth at her.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" Aloy scoffed.

"It is," he stated.

"Well…" Aloy shook her head, deciding not to argue the point. "What about Janeva?"

"What about her?"

"Nil, what exactly was your relationship with her?" Aloy pressed. "You don't think of her like you do Stefan."

"Well, she never did anything to tarnish my respect for her," Nil shrugged. "In fact, I don't think she ever could."

"Why not?"

The question hung between them for a few moments, Aloy not taking her eyes off her companion, willing him to just answer. He eventually met her gaze, and, seeing that she was serious, he sighed.

"I told you," he said, "we were comrades. We served together under Jiran." A pause, his eyes going distant, and then he added, "There was a time when I thought she and I were exactly the same, perfect copies of each other, like a pair of matched blades. But, as the Red Raids went on, it became more and more clear that that wasn't the case. She doesn't appreciate the thrill, the beauty of death, not like I do - the fighting, sure, she'll relish any fight she gets an excuse to take part in, but the killing? Not so much. Over time, a…rift, grew between us. When Avad rebelled, she defected, sided against Jiran."

"Against you," Aloy said softly, and he nodded slightly, not looking at her. "Well, I guess that explains how you ended up fighting against her." She considered this for a moment, then suddenly realized something. "Was she who you meant by 'us'?" she asked.

"Hm?"

"On the way to Maker's End, when I met you outside the Shattered Kiln bandit camp, you said something that I thought was…weird, even for you," Aloy told him. "When I told you I didn't keep count of the people I killed, you asked me, 'are you like us, or a little different?' Us."

"Are you sure that's what I said?" he asked, almost faintly.

"Very," Aloy confirmed. "I remember it clearly, because it seemed like a strange mistake for you to make - I mean, you're usually nothing if not eloquent, but you always travel alone; you called me your partner, but you were asking the question of me. I thought maybe you meant your dead partner, even your bow, but…did you mean Janeva?"

"If I did say that, then I didn't mean to," he said, his expression tense, his eyes focused ahead. "But if I did, then…yes, I would have been referring to Janeva."

"Come to think of it, your bow," Aloy went on. "The Voice of Our Teeth. Our, not my. Is that a reference to Janeva, too?"

"It is, as it just so happens," he answered, still not looking at her.

"It sounds…like she was really special to you," Aloy said.

Nil shrugged wordlessly.

"I mean, she must be," Aloy prodded. "You and she fought each other, but you're both alive. She must be special, for you to not want to kill her."

"It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't," he said. "I know she couldn't kill me, not even to save her own life, so I have to show her the same courtesy." He shook his head. "It's a shame, really, that her one and only soft spot is still reserved for me…but I guess, even after everything that happened, there's probably always going to be some part of her deep down that still thinks of me as her little brother."

Aloy pondered this. While she didn't particularly want to kill Nil, she knew she would do so if she had to to save her own life; did that put her in the same category as Stefan in his mind as far as killing her went? Maybe she couldn't trust him like Janeva could…but then again, it wasn't as though she could ever be his-

"Wait!" Aloy yelped, suddenly registering the last word he'd spoken. "Her brother?! She's your sister?!"

Pain flashed across silver eyes, the kind of pain Aloy hadn't known Nil was capable of feeling. "She was, once," he said tonelessly.

"Are you…Do you mean sister-in-arms, or…are you from the same family?" Aloy pressed.

"It doesn't matter now," he stated.

"It matters to me, Nil!" she insisted. She couldn't help it; Nil had never looked so vulnerable, so human, as he did in that moment, and she needed to know how deep that humanity ran. "I told you about my necklace," she added pointedly when it seemed like he wouldn't respond.

Nil glanced at her, then sighed. "Janeva and I were born to the same parents," he confessed. "But…that was a long time ago."

"Why didn't you just say that?" Aloy inquired. "I mean, the way you were talking about her, I thought…I thought you and she were…you know…together."

He barked a laugh. "No, no," he told Aloy, shaking his head. "Even if we didn't share blood, Janeva has no interest in men. In fact, she's technically not a woman - she doesn't think of herself as one, and hates being called one."

"You've been calling her 'she' this whole time," Aloy pointed out. And I was following your lead.

"Well, she has a woman's body," he elaborated, "and the word 'she' is less confusing than 'they' and more polite than 'it'*. But for all intents and purposes, she's not a woman."

"Why didn't you just tell me you two were siblings?" Aloy asked. "I asked you who she was to you, and that seems like a pretty straightforward answer; why didn't you say so?"

All traces of mirth left Nil's face, and he again focused his gaze on the middle distance. "Because I don't like to think about my family," he replied.

"Why not?" Aloy pressed, feeling as though she was on the verge of a great discovery.

"It's complicated," he responded. When he looked over at her, he again saw the insistence in her eyes and added, "They didn't abuse me, if that's what you're thinking."

"Abuse?" Aloy blinked. "Why would someone abuse their own family?"

He fully turned to her then, eyes widening in surprise. "Are you telling me that that doesn't happen with the Nora?" he exclaimed.

"I…would be surprised if it did, considering how sacred family is to the Nora," Aloy replied. "Though, I guess I wouldn't know; for most of my life, the only person who was allowed to speak to me was the man who raised me."

"Well, it happens," Nil informed her. "Just not to me."

"Then why don't you like to think about your family?" Aloy kept questioning, so engaged in trying to get answers out of Nil that she didn't even notice the warning lights her Focus was displaying in her periphery.

He just grimaced, looking away from her again.

"Nil-"

A bolt of energy striking her armor was what it took to get Aloy to notice her surroundings again; her bow was in her hand before she even thought about it, and she turned away from her companion to see that they'd ridden right into the midst of an alarmingly numerous group of Scrappers.

More than there were in the scrapyard outside Free Heap, Aloy thought, kicking her mount to ride close enough to leap onto a Scrapper with her spear, downing it from above. Kryse wasn't kidding.

Still, Scrappers weren't particularly strong, and with Nil and her freed mount backing her up, Aloy wasn't worried. If anything, she welcomed the chance to replenish her shards, and add to her stock of other resources, now that they had some free space, and she didn't draw her bow; a solid hit from her spear was enough to down any Scrapper, and their attacks weren't hard to dodge. The only intimidating thing was their numbers, but since she wasn't on her own, even that wasn't a concern. The occasional sound of an arrow singing past her ear didn't bother her anymore either, though the fact that something with Nil had changed wasn't an occurence she had the brain space to consider just then.

In minutes, all the Scrappers had been reduced to unmoving heaps, and Aloy again felt a twinge of guilt, knowing how HEPHAESTUS would react. There being no help for it, she started stripping the dead Scrappers for parts, getting a fair amount of lenses and hearts on top of the actually useful resources, but she stowed them away to maybe trade to Kryse at some point down the line. Drawing Scrapper blood didn't occur to her; the Machines were so common, there were hardly any mysteries to be deduced about them.

Once the kills had been harvested, she turned back to her allies. The Broadhead she'd left to fend for itself was a little damaged, but worth the shards to repair; Nil hadn't dismounted, and his Broadhead seemed mostly fine, a handful of shards and it was in perfect shape. Nil did hop off his mount then, and Aloy reached into her medicine pouch when she saw him wince, offering him a few herbs that he begrudgingly took. She eyed him even as he walked away from her, trying to think of how to resume the conversation they'd been having, but before she found the words, he spoke up.

"Hey," he called over his shoulder, "is this what we're looking for?"

Blinking, Aloy jogged over to where he stood. There in the ground, under some ancient debris, was a perfectly square trapdoor. Crouching down, Aloy grasped the heavily rusted metal ring attached to it and pulled; it stuck fast, but it didn't seem to be locked. "Rusted shut," she grunted, drawing her spear again. "Let's see if we can pry it open."

"And if we can't?" Nil questioned.

"Then we smash it," Aloy replied, jamming the tip of her spear through the dirt that lined the doorway and levering down.

It took a couple of readjustments, but Aloy eventually managed to get a good angle on the door, and with all her strength and weight thrown against her spear, she was rewarded with a metal groan, then a crack as the hatch popped open slightly. Keeping her spear in place so the door would stay propped open, she hooked her fingers under the edge of the rusted plank and pulled, then pushed, slowly forcing the ancient entrance wide enough to allow passage. Nil made no movement to help her, though she got a sense he would have if she'd asked.

At last, a dark, square hole was yawning before them, a ladder that had stood the test of time leading down into the darkness. Not hesitating, Aloy started climbing, and when she was about halfway down, a rattle of the bars in her hands told her Nil was coming with her.

There was only a damp, slightly earthy smell down in the underground room; the walls and floor were made of smooth stone, and entirely bare. Aloy looked around, her eyes adjusting to the dim light, and soon identified the barrier that was the far wall. Tapping her Focus, she let the device scan the metal structure and confirm that it was a door, far thicker and more advanced than any she'd seen in other ancient ruins; absolutely no means of opening it were available, the Focus said, and there was nothing that could break it, either.

She deactivated her Focus and walked deeper into the underground room. It was empty, more empty than any old ruin she'd ever seen, as though there had never been anything here but that door to begin with…

…but there was a data point.

Her heart leaping in her chest, Aloy jogged to the barrier of the far wall, quickly locating the purple blip that would share with her a piece of the past. Blood pounded in her ears as she put a hand to her Focus and scanned the memory. An image appeared before her, made of light: a man with a grim, wrinkled face, bushy hair along his jaws but none on his head, eyes glinting with more than just the light of a conjured image.

"Right-o," said the image of Roger Bauman. "If you're watchin' this, then I reckon I know your name; there's only one person on God's green Earth that would look for me and know to find me here. So I'll cut to the chase: Yes, boy, I was the one who told Dr. Sobeck where to find you. Mind you, she said she wasn't interested in your bounty, that she needed your help…and, well, I've kept up with the news of late, so I know now what she needed help with." The old man shook his head. "Project Zee-row Dawn, whatever the hell that is. Why she needed your help, I can't imagine…but she seemed real sure, and she's an honest gal." A heavy sigh echoed across time. "If you're watchin' this, then I guess you musta done it, huh? Did what she asked of you, made it work, stopped the end times a'comin'? Well, Travis-"

Aloy gasped.

"-if that's what you did, the relationals and I've talked it over, and we all agree: you're forgiven," Roger stated. "Hell, even if it failed, long as you tried, really tried, then we all forgive you for the stain you put on our family name." He cleared his throat. "Now, you know that there's no opening this bunker even if you did stop the end times, the relationals and I are gonna live out our lives down there and then die and there ain't a damn thing you or we can do about it. But you…If you saved the world, well, I can only assume you've been pardoned for your crimes…been given a second chance. And if that's the case, then you listen here, boy." The grizzled man jabbed a finger at his audience. "Don't you dare screw it up! Most people don't get a second chance in life, you were damn lucky you got to talk to Lizzie durin' that ree-union and somehow convinced her that there was something of worth in you! Ya hear me, Trav? Damn lucky! So don't waste it! I know your mama screwed you up real bad and you hate her, but damn it, boy, you can make something of your life! Don't throw it away a second time, ya hear?"

The ancient image took a moment to catch his breath, and Aloy found that her own breath was coming hard, too.

"Listen, Trav," Roger sighed at last, "if you worked with Lizzie to make Zee-row Dawn happen…you're not just forgiven. Some of us would…even go so far as to say we're proud of you…proud to call you family. I…I hope you get to see this message, boy. Hope you get to hear me say…I'm sorry I let your mama mess you up so bad. I knew she wasn't right, and after your grandpa died…" He shook his head. "Well, that don't matter none, leastaways not anymore. I just hope you'll do better now, now that you've proved you ain't worthless." Another sigh. "Happy trails, Travis, you no-good punk…we love you."

With that, the hologram vanished, leaving Aloy standing alone in an empty cellar, burdened with knowledge that had never reached its intended recipient. Reeling, she stepped forward a few paces, reached out, and put a hand on the door. Somewhere beyond that door were the remains of Travis Tate's family, long dead, not knowing they'd outlived him.

"He did," she whispered. "He did help Elisabet…with Zero Dawn. The world was given a second chance because of him. And…and what happened after…that wasn't his fault." A lump was forming in her throat, and she blinked rapidly against the burn in her eyes. "I'm sorry he never got to see your message," she told the long-dead family. "He…He died better than he lived - he may have lived a…a punk, whatever that means, but he died a hero. And I hope…I hope that somehow, he knows that you forgave him. That he can rest easy, and so can you."

If any long-dead entity heard her voice, it gave no indication; the cellar was still, silent as the grave it technically was.

After a few more minutes, Aloy removed her hand from the barrier and turned to leave. As she did so, she caught sight of Nil, standing back passively, his arms crossed. He hadn't given any indication that he was there, but he met her eyes immediately.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied softly. Giving herself a mental shake, she nodded sharply and made for the ladder. "There's nothing else here. Let's go."

Outside, it was getting late, and there was nothing but ruins and wasteland as far as the eye could see in all directions. Vaulting back onto her mount, Aloy tapped her Focus and brought up the map. To her alarm, there didn't appear to be any good potential campsites anywhere nearby; they had to make good time if they wanted to settle down before dark. Identifying the nearest potential rest spot, she turned her Broadhead and kicked it into a trot. Behind her, Nil followed, saying nothing.

~o~

Dusk had fallen when they reached the nearest river; they followed it, and by the time they found a patch of dusty brown grass where a single gnarled tree gave some semblance of shelter, the sun had almost finished setting.

"It'll have to do," Aloy said, hopping off her mount and guiding it to the spot. Nil followed suit, and she glanced at him. "Set up camp, I'll start laying traps."

"I'm on it," he assured her, and they parted.

Laying down the various tripwires, Aloy's mind was distracted by what she'd seen. It had been a long day, between Kryse and Nil and Travis Tate's family. Family was something she'd always sort of idealized, a safety net of unconditional love and acceptance that she'd only barely tasted with Rost, a whole team of people who would back you up no matter what happened…a home. But Nil had a family, and he'd separated from them for some reason, and Travis had had to save the world before his family forgave him for whatever he did to Sterling-Malkeet. And Kryse…Kryse had a tribe, but like Nil, he'd chosen to leave it behind - not the same as cutting off contact with his family, maybe, though now Aloy couldn't help but wonder about his relationship with them, considering he wandered between the tribes of the west…It seemed that even people who had been born could struggle with belonging.

Maybe belonging didn't come so easily, not even to people who had families. Maybe…even if Aloy had had a family, she still wouldn't have belonged anywhere.

The thought made her heart twist in her chest.

Once the camp was secure enough, Aloy went back to find Nil reheating their spare prairie dog meat over the campfire - they'd traded most of it for night bloom brew, but not all of it, they had enough on hand for one more good meal. Nil nodded at her as she sat down on her bedroll beside him, reaching for the food. For several long minutes, they ate in silence; Aloy forced the meat down her throat, knowing she needed to keep her strength up so she could be ready to search the Deima territory for Sobeck Ranch, but she wasn't hungry. Too many things were going through her mind…too much doubt.

Finally, she gave up and set the rest of her prairie dog aside, turning to her travel companion with a set jaw. "Nil?"

"Hm?" he asked, swallowing his last bite of meat.

"What happened between you and your family?"

The former Carja blinked, silver eyes widening in the firelight.

"You didn't think I forgot what we were talking about before the Scrappers, did you?" Aloy asked pointedly.

He sighed, wiping his hands in the dry, prickly grass. "I had maybe hoped," he admitted.

"Well, I didn't," Aloy stated. "And now I'm asking again. What happened with Janeva, and your parents?"

"It doesn't matter," he replied stonily, turning his gaze to the fire. "It's in the past, and there's no point dwelling on it. All that matters is that I'm dead to them, and they're dead to me; there's nothing more to it."

"I don't believe you," Aloy said, shaking her head. "You still think of yourself and Janeva as an 'us', and she still cares about you."

"I wish she didn't," he said, and he sounded almost bitter. "I thought we agreed that we weren't family anymore…"

"Nil…" Aloy drew out her necklace, clutching at Rost's pendant. "I told you everything."

He glanced up sharply, finally meeting her eyes.

"I told you the entire story of how and why I even exist," she reminded him, unable to keep the bite out of her voice. "I've told you things I've never told anyone, things even Sylens doesn't know. The deal was that I would tell you my secrets if you told me yours, but all this time you've been holding out on me. Last night, you said you never tried to avoid blame, or life, but you've been dodging my questions about your family all day, and now I'm telling you, enough. Tell me your secrets and I'll tell you mine, Nil, that was the deal."

For a minute, he met her gaze silently…then sighed. "You're right," he conceded, "that was the deal. In my defense, when we made that deal, I had no idea just how long and complicated of a story you were going to tell me, and once you had, my own past didn't seem to matter-"

"Nil," Aloy cut him off, "you're stalling."

Another sigh, this one heavier, and he turned back to the fire, his eyes going distant. One knee came up to his chin, and he hugged his armored leg against his chest. Was he actually trying to comfort himself?

Aloy let him have the minute.

"When I was a boy," he began at last, "Janeva was my idol. I've looked up to her for longer than I can remember." His teeth glinted. "She was always so fierce, so vicious…it was inspiring, invigorating, and I did my best to model myself after her in everything, to be a…a younger, physically-male version of her. Heh, if I hadn't had her for a sister, I might never have found my calling."

"And what a tragedy that would be," Aloy muttered.

He glanced at her, but didn't protest; maybe he remembered making similar comments when she'd told him her story. "There was never a time when she didn't want to be a soldier," he continued. "Our parents didn't approve, of course, but…well, you've met her."

"Yeah, she told me about all the broken arms," Aloy nodded.

Nil laughed then, really laughed, with genuine fondness in his voice, and Aloy couldn't help staring at him; how could a man so single-minded in his thirst for blood and killing sound so human all of a sudden? "Yeah," he sighed, grinning, "she was always like that. Anyway…" He shook his head. "Our parents didn't approve of me modeling myself after her, either, even taught me to read glyphs in an attempt to distract me - 'You're destined for brighter things, Aren,' they always told me, 'the shadows of the battlefield aren't where you belong.' I disagreed. Just like Janeva, as soon as I was of age, I signed up for the Sun-King's army.

"By then, the Red Raids had been going for a good few years, the war against all the tribes was in full effect, so Jiran needed every soldier he could get his hands on. As soon as my training finished, I was dispatched to Plainsong, to raid the Utaru, and there, I made my first kill." His eyes lit up in that way Aloy hated. "It was beautiful," he breathed, his voice a passionate caress. "The blood spilling, the scream as they fell, the light of life winking out of their eyes…It was like nothing I'd ever dreamed of. That was when I knew for sure, I wasn't meant for 'brighter things'; the shadows of the battlefield were exactly where I belonged." The smile on his lips changed to something softer, less vicious. "After we got back, I went straight to Janeva and told her all about our victory." He chuckled. "She laughed at me. Said the Utaru weren't fighters, there was no glory in a victory in Plainsong. Started bragging about all her victories against the Oseram and the Banuk, with their crazy weapons and vicious will to survive. I craved the sorts of fights she described, but since I was still new, I was relegated to raiding Plainsong for now, until I proved myself; even so, Janeva and I started keeping track, competing with our war stories."

That explains the 'us', Aloy thought, but she held back, not wanting to disrupt the flow of Nil's tale.

"After a few more raids, I was given the honor of witnessing the bloodshed in the Sun-Ring," Nil went on, and he glanced at her. "I'm not sure if you know this, but while worthier sacrifices were pitted against Machines, the weaker prisoners, women and children and such, were killed by specially-designated executioners picked out by Jiran."

"Like Stefan," Aloy said.

Nil nodded. "Like Stefan," he confirmed, "though I didn't meet him until a little while after this. In any case, I watched as the weak ones were brought out to have their blood spilled in the light of the Sun, watched the sacrifices fall before Jiran's blades…" His silver eyes gleamed, doing distant and dreamy as he remembered the slaughter. "It was intoxicating. The screaming, the crying, the desperation, the rivers of blood flowing over the stones, the scent of death…oh, it was glorious. Everything inside of me yearned to draw my own knife, jump down in there, and join in the fun - I didn't even care that I'd end up as another sacrifice myself for breaking ranks, I just wanted a taste of it all."

Aloy swallowed, too nauseous to even remark that she wished he had.

"The only thing that kept me in my place was Janeva," Nil continued. "I'd gotten to stand beside her to watch the show, and she kept her place, so I kept mine too - I was still modeling myself after her, and if she could restrain herself, then so could I. But afterwards, I pulled her aside, eager to relive it all with her, relish the glory of it. I asked her how she managed not to break ranks, how she'd resisted joining the blades down there the first time she'd been called to bear witness to the sacrifice…" The light winked out of Nil's eyes, his smile dimming, replaced by an echo of the bewilderment he'd felt that day. "And she looked at me like…like I'd said something wrong. Something crazy. I pressed her, asking what was the matter, didn't she love the beauty of it all? And she said, 'If all this bloodshed is truly the will of the Sun, then it's our duty to see it carried out, but those people were innocent. Helpless. There was no beauty in it. If I was going to break ranks, it would have been to go vomit.'" Nil shook his head, his face falling. "That was the first time I started to realize that…Janeva and I weren't the same. That there was something…different, from her, about me. Even though I'd never wanted to be anything but her.

"I couldn't accept it. Every time I saw her from then on, I pestered her, harangued her about it, desperate for her to give me some validation for how I felt, my love for the kill. She never gave it, and eventually she started to resent me, making requests to our Sun-King that she be stationed separately from me, given as little opportunity to cross paths with me as possible. I was furious…and more than a little lost. Without my role model, what was I supposed to do? It was around then that I met Stefan, and we bonded over our shared love of killing; I still got the sense that I wasn't like him, either, but at least he gave me the validation I thought I needed.

"In time, I threw myself into the war efforts single-mindedly, determined to enjoy every bit of blood spilled I could muster. Jiran praised my commitment, and my successes, and when I won us a victory at Cinnabar Sands, slaughtering everyone there, he promoted me straight from raids on the Utaru to raids on the Tenakth, skipping the Banuk and Oseram entirely. Then, when that went well, he…" Nil blinked, surfacing from the memories to glance uneasily at Aloy.

"He sent you east," she finished softly. "To attack the Nora."

"Yes," he nodded. "The Nora were by far the most feared tribe out of everyone Jiran raided, and rightly so. Your people really know how to put up a fight, a true clan of warriors; I saw a lot of well-trained veterans fall to Nora arrows, even some men I called friends."

"They're not really my people," Aloy reminded him.

"Even so, I relished every moment I got to spend in Nora land," Nil told her, and his teeth flashed again. "It was so invigorating, going in there knowing I was pitting myself against truly worthy opponents, that I might die any minute - and to women, no less!" He chuckled, then immediately sobered. "I still kept count of my victories, and I hated that I never got to brag to Janeva about them. Sure, she raided Banuk and Oseram, but I raided Nora."

"There's a…a village, in the Sacred Land, just outside of Daytower, or there was," Aloy said softly. "Rost lived there before he became an outcast, and I also knew a woman named Marea who grew up there. It's abandoned now…"

"One of my greatest victories," Nil confirmed, nodding in response to her unasked question, and Aloy couldn't tell if he was even trying not to smile. "I drew the attention of the braves, along with two others, while the rest of my unit circled around back; once we had them surrounded, we closed in and took as many as we could - a whole village taken, the worthiest blood the Sun would ever see, and days' worth of it. Jiran had half a mind to promote me to kestrel for that one, but I told Helis that I didn't want things to change, and our Sun-King agreed that it was the will of the Sun that I stay a regular soldier."

Aloy swallowed hard. He had told her, of course, just after she'd first set foot in the Sundom, that if she came across places where people once were, now just holes cut in the world, odds were good that he'd been there before, but knowing that Marea's home had been destroyed by the same man Aloy was traveling with now…She thought of Nakoa; how many Nora held grudges against Nil like what Nakoa had had against Zaid? Though…hadn't Janeva said that Nil had never been a butcher? And even from what he was saying, it certainly sounded like he had respected the Nora even as he relished fighting them, he wasn't like Zaid…

"A few years went by like that," Nil went on, "and the only thing I would have wanted to be different was to be able to bond with my sister again. Still, I tried to put it out of my mind, and just enjoy the glory of life under Sun-King Jiran's reign." He sighed. "Then the rebellion hit. I'd heard the rumors about the traitor Avad, of course, and I'd been tasked to fend off some attackers a few times prior, but I'd never given the idea that the Red Raids might be put to a stop any real thought. Stefan and I were enjoying a few drinks in the Meridian marketplace when the first cannon blasts rocked the city. Janeva was stationed elsewhere; I didn't even find out until after the battle that she'd defected."

"Then how was it you and she fought?" Aloy questioned.

"Be patient, I'm getting there," he assured her. "You know what happened during the final battle of the rebellion, how Stefan got on his knees and begged for his life while I stood and fought, how I refused to flee when Jiran fell. I waited in Meridian for Avad's judgment, volunteered my confession when he started investigating war crimes…and the next time I saw my sister, she was my warden."

Another sigh, this one filled with wistfulness almost to the point of sorrow, and Aloy held her breath.

"She tried to get through to me, tried so hard…but I'd already started to realize that I couldn't define myself by her anymore," he said. "I needed…" He met Aloy's eyes then, and she knew what he was going to say before he said it. "I needed to figure out who I was and what I stood for; my own identity, not defined by anyone else."

Aloy swallowed.

Nil shrugged, ending the moment, and turned back to the fire. "And, well, with two years in that hole, I didn't really have anything else to do. Janeva kept trying, like I had with her before, but now I was the one brushing her off. One day, Ulita overheard us, and she pulled me aside and said I sounded like one of her people. That's when she told me the Tenakth code - 'The strong take from the weak, and in doing so are made stronger'…" He shook his head slightly. "But for some reason, that didn't feel right, either. I asked her how taking from the weak made a person stronger - if you're already stronger than them, doesn't that mean that what you have is far superior to anything you could take from them? She talked about amassing wealth and all this and that, but none of it really resonated with me - I already knew I hated getting paid for doing what I love, that the profits cheapen the thrill. I spent days thinking about it, piecing together why I couldn't live by the Tenakth code, until eventually I realized that what it all came down to was that there was nothing fulfilling about taking from the weak. There's no challenge in it, nothing to gain and nothing to prove, to kill someone who can't fight back would be a hollow, fleeting thrill that I couldn't really even enjoy."

"And all the people who died in the Sun-Ring?" Aloy asked pointedly.

He nodded. "When I figured that out, that was when I also realized I wouldn't really have liked Stefan's job," he said. "There wouldn't have been any real glory to it - it would all have been empty, meaningless. I don't belong in the Sun-Ring slaughtering helpless victims; I belong on the battlefield, killing people who are trying just as hard to kill me." His teeth flashed. "Janeva was ecstatic when I told her about this revelation; I think that was the first and last time she ever smiled at me after that first viewing of the sacrifices in the Sun-Ring. For a moment, I felt proud…until she called it 'progress'." The smile dropped, and he scowled. "Somehow, she still thought I might not be a killer, that there was some chance I could be the person our parents wanted me to be. I knew then that she would never understand or accept me, and our parents probably wouldn't either.

"Not much else happened during my time there; I slowly grew into my identity, but there weren't any other major revelations…until the end. The day came, of course, when my sentence ended, and I was given back my personal armor and my bow and my knife, a free man, though I'd never be a soldier again. Janeva…offered to go back home with me, said she'd vouch for me to our parents, assure them that I wasn't just another one of Jiran's butchers, and that was when I told her that…I wasn't going home. That I didn't even have a home, or a family."

"Then where were you going to go?" Aloy questioned.

"I was going to find Stefan," Nil replied. "He got a much lighter sentence than I did, since he'd immediately surrendered and was able to claim that he hadn't had a choice about his job under Jiran, but he'd been at Sunstone Rock long enough to know I was there; a few months before my sentence ended, he sent me a written message telling me about the bandit situation, how they were everywhere and no one cared if they died, offering to meet up with me after I got out so we could keep the party going. Even if I didn't really respect or like him anymore, the idea of doing what I loved made the prospect good enough for me - better than going home, at least. So…I told Janeva I wasn't going home, and to tell our parents that I'd died in prison, let them mourn the son they never had."

"I'm guessing she didn't take that very well," Aloy remarked.

Nil chuckled, flashing his teeth. "She was livid," he said, almost fondly. "Started yelling at me that I had to go home, not to dishonor our family like this, on and on, but I knew it was for the best. We argued, first with our words, and when those didn't work, we both turned to what we knew best: metal. I think she was a little stir-crazy after being a prison warden for two years; I know I was stir-crazy after being stuck in there." His smile softened, turning into something almost sad. "Now, Janeva had been my role model all my life, and though I'd always wanted to try my blade against her, I never really thought I could beat her. And, you know, I think she could have beaten me, if she'd been at her best…but she wasn't. She went into that fight…distracted." He turned his silver eyes on Aloy meaningfully. "Distressed, even."

Her breath caught, remembering why he'd insisted she tell him her story in the first place.

"Whereas I went into that battle with a clear head and a clear purpose," he continued after a beat. "I knew exactly what I was fighting for and what I had to do." A grin crossed his face, just as it had outside the newly-liberated Shattered Kiln camp. "Don't get me wrong, she still put up a terrific fight, the best I've ever had. It even lasted long enough for a crowd of prisoners to gather around us and cheer me on - I think they all wanted to see their tyrannical warden's blood spilled. But eventually…I managed to pin her down, my knife to her throat." All at once, the smile vanished from his face, his eyes solemn and serious as he stared into the fire once more. "I looked into her eyes, and in them, I saw two things. One, she truly believed she was about to die, that I wouldn't hesitate to kill her, because I was a monster. And two…that even though she believed she had been fighting for her life, if our roles had been reversed, she wouldn't have been able to kill me, because I was her brother."

To Aloy's surprise, a look of peace came over him then.

"In that moment, I fully understood exactly who I was, why I'd even let myself be locked up in the first place and what defined me, because I realized that I couldn't kill her. I couldn't kill someone who couldn't kill me, because…it wouldn't be honorable. I found my own rule then: honor above all else, always - honor above pleasure, honor above survival. And that meant I could not kill Janeva."

"That and you would have just been arrested again if you had," Aloy pointed out, though her heart was pounding. "Or, you know, executed on the spot."

"No," Nil shook his head, "I could have gotten away with killing her then - she was the first to attack me, and there were a number of witnesses who'd seen it, the fight was fair and, in the eyes of everyone watching, mutually agreed upon as being to the death. It's the same reason none of the guards joined in to help her…probably…Either way, I would have been able to walk away from killing her, unchallenged, and I knew it, as did she. But I couldn't kill her. So, instead, I claimed my victory by marking her." He tapped the side of his jaw. "You've seen that scar on her right cheek, haven't you? That's how she got it. I cut her face, where she couldn't hide it, so there would never be any doubt that the victory was mine…and then, I stood up, turned my back on her, and started walking away." He chuckled. "She screamed at me as I did, called me a coward-"

"She called you a coward for not killing her?" Aloy asked incredulously.

"She didn't mean it," he dismissed. "She was just upset, and really, can you blame her? She'd just lost her brother. Anyway, 'coward' was one of the nicest things she called me as I left that place. Every step I took, she was shrieking at me, condemning me and calling me names and praying to the Sun to curse me and what have you; her language got very colorful. I didn't really pay attention to most of it…" A sick, twisted grin split his lips. "…but one thing she said did stick: 'You'll regret this, Aren, and by the time you do, it'll be too late, the House of Lakshar will never take you back. If you walk across that threshold now, you'll be Aren Khane Nil to the day you die.' I didn't hesitate, didn't even look back…but I did listen."

"And…that's why you call yourself Nil," Aloy finished.

"It suited me," he nodded. "Mind you, I'd already decided I didn't want to go by 'Aren' anymore, that I wanted to be called something else, but I wasn't quite sure what to change my name to until my sister cursed me."

"Guess that explains how she knew who I was talking about when I asked her about you," Aloy remarked. "So 'Lakshar' is the family name you lost…and…now you're Nil Khane Nil?"

"If you want to get redundant," he shrugged. "I don't have a family, a tribe, a home, or a name; I'm Nil, nothing more, nothing else. And I don't regret it."

Taking a deep breath, Aloy tore her eyes off the tribeless man and looked into the fire herself, processing all this slowly. "You…really haven't talked to any of your family since that day?"

"Nope," he replied readily. "I don't know what Janeva told our parents, and I do my best not to wonder or care; it doesn't matter, as long as they understand that I'm not their son anymore…that I never was."

"Before the battle against the Eclipse, you and Janeva were both stationed at the ridge," Aloy remembered softly. "Didn't you talk to her then?"

"We communicated," he shrugged. "Kept things civil, polite. She didn't call me 'Aren' or 'Nil', just called me 'you' or 'soldier', and I resisted the temptation to call her 'ma'am'…"

"But didn't you talk?" Aloy pressed, turning to him again. "Didn't you at least mention how you left things off with each other?"

"No," he dismissed. "There would have been nothing to gain from it, and really, it would have been foolish to dredge up our old family drama when we might be attacked by demons at any moment."

"I guess I can't argue with that," Aloy admitted, though she felt something twist painfully in her chest.

"I will say this, though," Nil added, and Aloy didn't miss the wistfulness in his silver eyes: "It felt good to fight by her side again, one last time. Just like how it was before."

"You miss her," Aloy whispered.

He gave a noncommittal grunt, but he couldn't hide the longing in his eyes; it was plain as day, he missed his sister more than anything.

"…Don't you miss your parents, too?" Aloy inquired after a moment. "Don't you miss having a home?"

A slight grimace was the only response he gave; he didn't even make a sound.

"You should go see them," Aloy told him. "Talk to them. Give them a chance to understand-"

"Understand what?" he asked bitterly. "That their son lives to kill people and isn't even remotely sorry? That they brought a shadow into this world, that all their hopes and dreams for me came crashing down long before I was even born? They wouldn't understand, Aloy, nor would they forgive, they would never accept me for who I am."

"But shouldn't you give them the chance?" Aloy insisted. "They're your family, Nil, the least you can do is give them an opportunity to try-"

"The least I can do is spare them the pain of facing me," Nil stated. "I'm a killer, not a torturer, and to force them to see the shadow they spawned would only cause unnecessary suffering for everyone involved, without even the promise of the sweet release of death to end it. I won't do that to them, they've been through enough." He sighed, then met her eyes. "I don't think you understand, since you never had a family, but…well, let me put it this way: When someone brings new life into this world, they don't always understand what it is they're creating; there are expectations placed on the child before they're even born, ideas their…makers, have, about who they'll grow up to be. And sometimes the child doesn't meet those expectations, and instead grows up to be someone else entirely."

Aloy took the blow, like a cold knife in her gut. "Still," she said, "when that happens, the…makers, should have a chance to understand the truth of what they made. The child should explain it to them, let them know who they really are."

"Will you?"

The question was pointed, but Aloy didn't wince. "Well, I'm not really going to have much of a choice, since I have to rebuild her," she pointed out, "but even if I did have a choice…yes, I would explain myself to her. She deserves to know the truth. And so do your parents."

Nil shook his head. "You just don't understand," he scoffed. "You never had a family, you don't know what it's like to have expectations lorded over you day and night your entire youth-"

"Yes I do!" Aloy exclaimed, sitting up straighter. "I know exactly what that's like! Rost had hopes and dreams for me, he told me again and again that his only wish was that I embrace the tribe! He wanted me to live as just another ordinary Nora brave and worship All-Mother like him, take a mate and become a mother, maybe a Matriarch, possibly even a High Matriarch one day, he didn't want me to have anything to do with the Old Ones or ever set foot outside the Sacred Land!" She closed her eyes and took a breath, gripping the pendant he'd given her the day before the Proving. "I know…that the life I found after he died couldn't possibly be further from what he wanted for me. But even knowing that, I…I still hope to make him proud, in my own way."

"He would have to be a damn fool to not be proud of you," Nil told her, and she looked up sharply, startled by the gravity of his tone, only to be captured by the burning intensity in his eyes. "Your life is so much grander than the one he hoped you'd have - you are a hero, beloved and celebrated throughout the lands, you saved the world and brought peace to the tribes. You are the strongest, bravest, cleverest, most radiant person the world has ever seen, and Rost should consider himself privileged to have been the one to raise you."

Aloy's heart thundered in her chest; she felt like she couldn't breathe through the emotions colliding in her throat.

Then Nil sighed and shook his head. "I'm not like you," he said. "I'm a lonesome killer and nothing more, any road I walk will be drenched with blood and corpses and I wouldn't have it any other way. There's nothing about me for my parents to be proud of, and I won't delude myself into thinking otherwise."

It took Aloy several minutes to find her voice. "You're…wrong," she finally rasped.

Nil's frame jumped as he whipped his head around to look at her, his eyebrows almost disappearing under his headdress.

Clearing her throat, Aloy swallowed hard and told him, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but…there are things about you for your parents to be proud of."

"Like what?" he asked, his eyebrows going even higher.

"Like…" Aloy grimaced, but forced the unpleasant words out of her throat. "I mean you're…you're strong, even if you use that strength for the wrong things, and…you're…honorable, in the extreme, and honest, refreshingly honest. Sometimes I'd even go so far as to call you wise, even if it's a sort of twisted wisdom." She shook her head hard. "Don't misunderstand me, I don't like you at all-"

"Exactly," Nil stated. "You detest me for what I am, and you don't even have any personal reason to be offended by it."

"But I also have no personal reason to accept it, either," Aloy argued. "And your parents probably already know about your thirst for blood, but do they know the rest? About your absolute honesty, your deep-seated sense of honor? How can they know those things if you don't talk to them, Nil, if you don't show them all of who you are? And how can they be proud of it if they don't know?"

"It's for the best if they not be forced to face me," Nil said firmly. "Everyone's better off if I'm dead to them. Let them mourn their precious Aren, the man who never existed and never will; I am not that person, and I never could be. Who I am is not their son, their son was never born, and the least I can do is let them grieve that imaginary boy in peace."

At last, Aloy understood what he was trying to say. "I see," she whispered. "You…really have to go that far, to distance yourself from them." She blinked against the sting in her eyes. "That's…really sad, Nil."

"You…?" His eyes widened, and he recoiled. "You pity me?!"

Out of nowhere, memories came crashing down on Aloy's head, and she gripped her temples against the sudden onslaught of visions, of tanned skin and ruthless eyes, of Rost imploring her to survive before being engulfed in flames, struggling against the urge to grab her spear and fight, kill. "Turn your face to the Sun, child…"

"Aloy?"

The sound of her name brought her back to herself, and she surfaced, taking her trembling hands from her brow. "I'm sorry, I'm fine," she said quickly, shaking herself to get rid of the past. "I'm fine. It's just…those were Helis's last words." Another shake, and she managed to glare at Nil. "To answer your question, yes, Nil, I do pity you. That you have to tell yourself that you're not the person your parents gave birth to just to deal with the rift between you and them…it's heartbreaking."

"You're truly cruel, you know that?" Nil informed Aloy indignantly. "Your pity cuts deeper than a spear. I'm sure Helis welcomed death, if the last thing he was faced with before it came was the pity of his conquerer. I thought you were cruel to me that day on the mesa, but you keep outdoing yourself."

"Compassion isn't cruelty," Aloy snapped at him.

"It is when you're a shadow," Nil retorted.

Something akin to anger rose in Aloy's chest, and her fists curled. "Well then, let me outdo myself again," she hissed, glaring at him: "I'll make you a deal. After we're done out here and make it back east, go and see your parents, explain everything and talk to them and really give them a chance to understand you. If you do that, and you still want to afterwards, then come find me, and I'll fight you on the mesa. To the death."

His jaw dropped, but Aloy met his eyes steadily. "Wh…Why would I not want to?" he asked.

"Maybe they will understand, and then you'll want to spend more time with them," Aloy shrugged. "But either way, any time after you've talked to your parents, come find me, and if you ask for that deathmatch, I'll give it to you. But I won't kill you under any other circumstances, Nil, not even to save my own life, I swear this to you on Rost's grave."

Absolute agony exploded behind Nil's eyes, and Aloy almost thought he might be on the verge of tears. "Why are you doing this to me?" he whispered, his tone and expression utterly pitiful.

"Because if you don't talk to them, there won't ever be closure, not for them and not for you," Aloy answered, gentling her tone. "You're hurting over what happened, Nil, you can deny it all you like but I know that what happened with your family causes you pain even now, and always will. And I don't like seeing people in pain."

"Not even bloodthirsty madmen?" he questioned, almost tauntingly.

"You might be a bloodthirsty madman, Nil, but…you're not a monster," Aloy sighed. "A monster wouldn't be tormented by the memory of what he's lost, wouldn't sacrifice himself to protect the people he left behind like you do. If you were a monster, you'd go home and brag to them about who you are, and laugh at their pain, but you're sharing in their pain instead. So no, I don't enjoy your suffering. But it won't end unless you talk to them - not monstrously, not bragging, but just…honest. Like you always are. And I know you won't do that for anything less than what you want most in life."

Nil gave a sigh that was heavy with anguish, and he turned back to the fire. "Well then, I guess I really will just have to find some other good death to die," he said. "I can't see my parents, Aloy, I won't put them through that kind of torture."

"Because you still love them," Aloy said, and it wasn't quite a question.

His face was blank as he gazed into the dying fire, his tone expressionless when he spoke. "They were my family, once," was all he said in response.

Several heavy minutes passed in silence, the leftover food long forgotten and probably beyond salvaging, but neither of them cared. Aloy was still struggling with the remainders of her flashback, and Nil…well, she could only begin to imagine what he was dealing with. Part of Aloy wanted to argue to herself that he'd basically just admitted that he loved killing people more than he loved his family, but the rest of her knew that that wasn't the truth of the matter; the fact was that he loved killing people, and he knew that killing people was his purpose and would be no matter what kind of life he tried to live, and that he also knew that that purpose would hurt anyone who cared about him, so distancing himself from them was precisely how he showed that he cared about them too. It was so convoluted, so twisted and backwards, like everything else about Nil, but it also made an unsettling amount of sense, even though it was a kind of family relationship, a son's show of love for his parents and sister, that Aloy would never have dreamed of. Families were more complicated than she'd ever imagined, and yet…Nil's situation was real.

But here and now, at least, there was nothing else that could be said or done about it.

"Get some sleep," she told Nil at last, forcing herself to her feet. "I'll take first watch."

He looked up at her, his eyes unreadable, save for a slight haze of pain.

She forced herself to smile. "We're still in the Forbidden West, and we're heading into Deima territory tomorrow to find Sobeck Ranch," she reminded him. "If you're going to fight the most feared tribe out here, you'll need to be rested."

A laugh just as mirthless as she smile she'd twisted her lips into huffed out of Nil's throat, and he nodded. "Wake me when you need to rest yourself," he told her.

"I will," she assured him, and she went to shoulder past the Broadheads and start keeping a lookout.

"…Aloy?"

The sound of her name spoken so softly stopped Aloy in her tracks, and she turned back, meeting Nil's gaze. "Yes?"

His jaw moved, but no sound came out; it seemed like he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. Looking into his eyes, though, Aloy knew exactly what he was trying to say; it was the same thing she had found herself wanting to say to him after she'd told him her story, despite everything.

Thank you. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for doing your best to understand, even though there's no way you ever could. Thank you for being there for me to talk to, when I've been alone for so long…

But he couldn't say it, any more than she'd been able to. Deciding to spare him, she nodded. "I know," she told him gently.

His mouth closed, and he nodded back, showing that somehow, he knew she knew.

Something passed between them then, something Aloy had never felt before. She'd been all over the Sundom and the Sacred Land and the Cut, met all sorts of people and liked plenty of them, formed all kinds of friendships in all kinds of places…but this wasn't a liking, nor was it a friendship; it was something else, something that somehow felt even deeper: a real, genuine connection.

They stared into each other's eyes for a long minute, emotions passing through the air in the light of the dying embers of their campfire and the Broadheads they'd brought from the east. It was as though the whole world had faded away, and there was just the two of them, and this moment, two tribeless loners who understood each other in ways they had both believed they would never be understood.

"…Good night," Nil said at last, breaking the moment.

Aloy nodded. "Sleep well," she told him, and she turned away to push past the Broadheads as he laid down on his bedroll. She doubted he would sleep well, but it wasn't as though she would fare any better.

My first genuine connection with another human being, and it's with a lunatic who loves killing people, she reflected, and she shook her head before tapping her Focus to keep watch for hostiles. It couldn't have been with Varl, or Erend, or Teb, or Avad, or Ikrie, or Gildun, or Talanah, or Petra…no, it had to be Nil. Just another surreal thing in my life to add to the ever-growing list…

…Why me?

*I fully expect to get flamed for this, but I have three things to say in my defense. One, if Nil and Janeva are siblings, then he's probably been thinking of them as his 'sister' his entire life. Two, it's freaking Nil, how much political correctness do you really expect out of a sociopath? But three, and MOST importantly, in the world of HZD, human civilization has been around for only a few hundred years in the form of primitive tribes after having the slate wiped completely clean; they will not have established all the nuances about proper pronoun usage and all that yet. I mean, think back on our own primitive tribes that existed in our history - there have been trans people for as long as there have been people, yet I highly doubt that all the uproar about proper pronoun use was a thing back in the day, people just were what they were. Given all that, I've done my best to establish that even though Nil refers to Janeva as 'she', and Aloy follows suit (because why wouldn't she? I highly doubt Rost gave her lessons about proper pronoun usage and trans rights), both of them fully respect Janeva and Janeva's masculinity. Feel free to still attack me for being disrespectful if you must, but I'm just trying to tell a story that fits into the established canon using the established personalities and cultures of the characters therein; it's the same reason you won't see any references to units of measurement in this story, besides paces and comparisons to the widths of other objects. Janeva's gender isn't the point of this story, or even this chapter; if you're too upset to focus on the tale itself, you can leave.