Is This Love?

Chapter Five

Rejected Respect

~ *•* ~ *•* ~ *•* ~

"Captain?", I say, asking again, "Is that acceptable?"

"No..."

"What?", I ask confusingly, "What do you mean?"

He looks me in the eyes. "Nothing. Just forget it."

He lets go and takes a step back. "Come on", he says sharply as he begins walking again.

I stand there against the wall dumbfounded and speechless.

What... just... happened?!

~ *•* ~ *•* ~ *•* ~

Levi's POV-

I've almost made it to Erwin's office. I haven't taken my gaze from the door at the end of the hallway since I began walking towards it again. I can hear [F/N]'s light footsteps behind me. I don't understand. Why the h*ll am I angry again? Ah... right. Because I'm confused. I'm being a d*mn fool because I can't make sense of my thoughts. Why'd I take out my frustrations on her? I made an idiot of myself in front of a new recruit. It doesn't matter who she is, I need to remain professional. I'm the higher up. I have to set the example. D*mn it... I'm starting to sound like you again, Erwin.

I stop in front of the door. I steal a quick glance behind me. I notice [F/N] looking down slightly. I don't know how to describe her expression. Maybe anger? Or fear? I wouldn't blame her. After all, I just slammed her into a wall and yelled at her for seemingly no reason.

I take one last look at [F/N].

What? Wait... That's... I know that emotion her face is showing now. It's the same expression I had when I found... Isabel and... Furlan... When they.. were taken. Why is she making that face?

"Captain? Are you going to open the door?"

I turn my attention to the door once again and knock twice.

"Come in."

I slowly open the door and [F/N] and I both enter Erwin's office. The Commander is sitting at his desk looking at a few different papers. He turns his attention towards us.

"Please", he says motioning towards the loveseat near a small window, "Go ahead and sit."

I close the door as [F/N] walks over to the chair and sits down.

"Hello soldier [L/N]. Captain Levi.", Erwin says as he stands and walks out in front of his desk, "Please, Captain. Take a seat."

I take a quick glance at the open seat next to [F/N]. I look back at Erwin. "I'd prefer to just stan-"

"Captain", Erwin says with a small smile and an angry gleam in his eye, "Have a seat."

I glare eerily at Erwin before clicking my tongue, reclining begrudgingly next to [F/N], and crossing my legs and arms.

"Now", Erwin says as he leans up against a small rounded nightstand across the room, "[F/N]- May I call you by that name instead?"

I notice [F/N] nod out of the corner of my eye.

"Perfect", Erwin replies, "Now [F/N], I have a question for you. How do you feel about the Captain here?"

I freeze for a moment then glance at [F/N]'s expression. She hasn't moved either. I believe she's searching for something to say.

"Erwin", I say, "I don't think this is-"

"Commander", [F/N] interrupts, "I won't claim to understand why you wish to know the answer to that question. However, I will answer it nonetheless."

I notice a small smile cross Erwin's face as he looks at her. "Thank you, [F/N]. But you don't have to be so formal. Please, continue."

[F/N] nods slightly before continuing. "If I had to describe my feelings towards the Captain, I'd say I respect him. He's strong, determined, smart, and his willpower is remarkable. He's someone I strive to be like. The Captain cares about his fellow soldiers but he doesn't let personal feelings get in the way of him doing what is right. He isn't afraid to speak his mind and he isn't afraid of people's opinions. I'd consider the Captain my role model. I hope that answers your question, Commander Erwin."

Erwin smiles towards [F/N] like he has some secret plan.

"Thank you, [F/N]. That absolutely answers my question.", Erwin says before turning his attention to me, "Levi. What are your feelings towards [F/N]?"

"What?", I think to myself, "Now it's my turn to answer? How the h*ll am I supposed to answer that..? Ahh... maybe motivated? Her strive to better herself is obvious. Then, maybe heart? She knows what she believes and what she wants and she's passionate about it. And I hate to admit it but she's pretty d*mn strong. But how am I supposed to say that when she's literally sitting right next to me?!"

"Levi", Erwin says somewhat sarcastically, "Are you alive? Or did what [F/N] say surprise you?"

"Shut the h*ll up, Erwin", I snap back, "Why do I have to answer you?"

"Hmm... I don't know Levi", Erwin says, "Maybe because I'm the Commander? No. I won't bring my rank into this. I just want to make sure you both are on pretty good terms."

"And why the h*ll would that be so important?", I ask sternly.

"Because", Erwin answers, "She will be joining your squad for our next expedition."

"What?!", [F/N] and I say in unison.

"Is that a problem", Erwin asks the both of us.

[F/N] slowly stands up. "No sir. I was shocked at first; I wondered why. But I respect your decision."

"Thank you, [F/N]", Erwin says before looking at me, "Levi? You have something to say?"

I remain silent, but my eyes say plenty.

"I see", Erwin says simply before turning his attention to [F/N], "Thank you for coming here today, soldier. You are free to leave."

[F/N] bows her head towards Erwin before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

"What the h*ll was that, Erwin?"

Erwin sighs and walks forward a couple steps away from the round table he had been leaning on and crosses his arms.

"What do you mean", he asks.

I stand up, just steps away from him. "I mean, why is that brat joining my group? And why does it matter whether we get along or not?! And why did you tell the both of us this so d*mn formally?"

"Calm down, Levi. I'll answer your questions. But first, did you at least think of the answer to my question?"

I glare at Erwin.

"I guess that answers my question", he says chuckling slightly, "I wanted to make sure you two were on good terms because you are both strong-willed. If you didn't get along, it'd be problematic for the entire squad. And I want [F/N] to be on your squad because I want her to see how you specifically handle your squad. That soldier has a lot of potential. I can see her leading her own squad fairly soon. And I want her to learn those skills from the best. And I brought you both in here formally just to see your reaction to it."

"I don't need this teasing sh*t from you, Erwin", I say walking to the door and opening it, "Sure. She'll be in my squad. But I'll be working her hard. Squad Leader is a big responsibility. I won't have her performance shaming me and my reputation."

"I wouldn't expect it any other way, Levi."

~ *•* ~ *•* ~ *•* ~

[F/N]'s POV-

It's been a whole week since Commander Erwin told me I would be joining the Captain's squad. But I'm a little confused. I haven't trained with the Captain or the rest of the squad. We've done physical training exercises and formation drills and lessons but nothing with the Captain. I guess I'm not too torn up about it. I have been avoiding him like the plague ever since I left Erwin's office. I'm all about respecting the higher-ups, but, I don't know, I guess I liked how the Captain and I always went back and forth with the snarky insults. It kind of reminded me of how I was with my brother, James.

I straighten up my 3dmg on the dresser in my room. I'm stuffed thanks to the large dinner we all just had. I look out the window at the star-filled sky. Our training has been pretty hard the past few days. I stretch my arms a little and groan. I'm exhausted.

The bedroom door swings open.

"[F/N]...", Harper moans as she collapses onto her bed.

I chuckle. "You good, Harper?"

"I feel like a Thanksgiving turkey", she responds, "I'm tired and full. I'm ready to just crash."

"Go for it", I say as I sit on my bed, "We don't have anywhere to be until tomorrow."

Harper sighs happily. "Yeah, you're right. But I need to change first."

Harper reluctantly lifts herself out of bed and towards her dresser. I follow her lead and pull out my night clothes. I begin unbuttoning my white shirt. I take it off and toss it into my small laundry basket.

"Woah [F/N]...!"

I turn my head to see Harper half-dressed and looking back at me.

"Hmm?"

"You're beat up."

I look down at my arms and core. There are various scratches and bruises. Probably from training these past couple of days.

"Oh. Yeah I guess."

"Geez", Harper says as she continues to change, "You're devoted."

"Yeah I know", I say as I unbutton and slide my pants off, "When you have a goal, you want to achieve it."

"Oh? What's your goal?"

"Crap", I think to myself, "I said too much."

"You don't have to explain, [F/N]. I know you like to keep to yourself. But I am curious."

I slide on my baggy shorts that go down right above my mid-thigh. I remain silent for a short moment.

"I want to get rid of the titans. And find out where they came from."

I pause for a moment listening for a response but Harper stays quiet.

"When Shiganshina was breached... and they got in... My mother, father, and younger brother were all killed. That's why I have my goal."

Before I even realize what was happening Harper was squeezing me tight from behind. She scared me for a moment but I released the tension in my muscles.

"[F/N]... I understand now. Thank you so much for telling me. I know that must've been hard for you."

I just stand there silently as Harper squeezes me.

"Oh [F/N], if you want to talk I will listen. It's what friends do!"

I smile softly and hesitantly. "Thanks Harper. I appreciate it."

Harper lets go and allows me to turn around and face her.

Harper smiles and wipes her eyes. "Anytime!"

She's such a crybaby. But I guess that's just one thing you can't help but love about her. She's okay with openly showing her emotions. I wish I could be a little more like that.

My eyes burst open. I frantically look from left to right. Everything looks empty. Like a glowing blue. I try to take a deep breath. I can't breathe! I look down. Emptiness. I'm not standing on anything. Am I floating..?

"No! Stop! Please!"

I look around trying to find the source of the man's voice.

I hear another bloodcurdling scream. This time, from a woman.

"Stay away...! Stay away! No! Go! Get away!"

Another voice. Then a scream. Then another scream. It's like a symphony of screaming and shouting from all directions. I cover my ears and squeeze my eyes shut.

Stop. Please. No more. I don't wanna hear it.

I gasp for air but I receive nothing but more screams.

"Help me, please! I don't want to die! No, stop!"

A child?! No! Stop it! Get out of my head!

I press my hands harder against my head, desperately trying to drown out the sounds. I press so hard my nails dig into my skin. It does nothing. The screams are all I can hear.

I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and open my mouth to scream. However, no sound comes out. I try to push more air out, but I fail.

"Help me! Please!"

Their voices echo.

"Please... make it stop!"

I bolt upright in my bed gasping for air. I try to slow my breathing, but I can't stop panting. I release my death grip on my blanket. I look to the side and see Harper still sleeping soundly in her bed. I turn my head towards the window. It's still pretty dark. I notice my hands shaking just slightly. I blink back tears and try to even out my breathing.

What was with that nightmare? I haven't had one for weeks- maybe months. Was it because I told Harper about that day? Seriously? I'm pathetic.

I start to settle myself down. I'm wide awake though. I don't think I'll be sleeping any time soon.

I hear a voice yell from outside. I get out of bed and walk to the window. Across the road I notice the lights on in the mess hall. I hear a few more voices before it goes quiet again. I'm guessing the voices are coming from there. I wonder what's going on at this hour.

I slip on my pair of comfy shoes and pull on an old oversized long-sleeved shirt. I open the bedroom door quietly and I was gone. I walked along the road without passing anyone. Maybe some of the new recruits are messing around? But wouldn't they get in trouble?

I grab the handle to the mess hall door and slowly open it. I'm welcomed with a flood of laughter and the smell of alcohol. The only people I see seem to be scout veterans.

"[F/N]?!"

I look towards the soldier walking in my direction.

"Hanji...", I mumble to myself.

"What's up?!", Hanji asks as they slap my back, "What're you doing up?"

"Uh.. just.. couldn't sleep...", I respond quietly.

"Ahh I see..! Well, you wanna join us? You aren't underage, right?"

"Uhm.. no I'm not, but-"

"Fantastic! Come join us!", Hanji exclaims as they grab my wrist and guide me towards one of the tables.

Before I knew it, I was handed both a spot at the table and a drink in my hand. Hanji's group consisted of quite a lot of soldiers, but I recognized a few: Mike, Nanaba, Nifa, Gelgar- even Moblit had joined in. I finished my first cup slowly, then I had another, then another. After each cup I drank I grew a little louder, slowly becoming more and more involved with the group. I had already stayed with them for about an hour and a half. I've never been out drinking with others before, so this experience was completely knew to me. I can't say I didn't enjoy myself. After it had been an hour and 45 minutes, people began leaving the group because it had been getting late. It didn't take long before the group shrunk to just Hangi, Moblit, and me.

"Hanji", Moblit says, "It's late and you and I have work to do tomorrow morning. We should get going."

"Aww….", Hanji groans, " I know. You're right."

Hanji looks over at me.

"Don't worry", I say reassuringly, "I'll be fine. You two have work to do. Get off to sleep."

"You sure?', Hanji asks, "I should probably walk you to the dorm. You seem a little drunk."

"I'll be fine. Go ahead", I say standing up.

The other two stand up and walk out of the mess hall. I grab my cup and chug the last bit of alcohol before setting it back down. I lean across the table and grab the half empty bottle and pour myself another drink. I drank alone for a little while longer. I just didn't feel like leaving quite yet. Even though the room was now deserted.

I put my empty cup back on the table and cough slightly. How much have I drunken..? It's probably a lot, I can feel the fuzziness in my head. I don't really feel too great either.

"Oi. What the h*ll are you doing in here by yourself at this hour, brat?"

I turn my head and see the Captain behind me. He looks a little blurry but I can tell it's him.

"…Captain..?"

"What's wrong with you", he asks before looking over at the empty bottles on the table, "What the h*ll?! Are you drunk?!"

I say nothing but moan as my stomach and head start to feel worse.

"You're an idiot", he says looking back at me.

"I.. don't feel too good.."

The Captain's eyes go wide and start looking around. I think he spots something before walking off. I don't know where he went.

I lay my head on my arms and try to get rid of the nausea. After a few seconds I grab my stomach. I raise my head ready to throw up. I hear a clunk and look over just in time to see the Captain place down a small bucket. I fall to the floor, lean over, and throw up into the bucket. I cough a little trying to catch my breath. I feel a tug on my hair. I look over and see the Captain rubbing a small section with a washrag.

"Sir..?"

"You got some in your hair", he says in a more quiet voice, "I'm just cleaning it."

"B-But Sir, doesn't that stuff disgust a germaphobe like y-"

I'm cut off by another wave of vomit. I can feel my hair being held up this time though. Is the Captain seriously staying while I'm puking?! I heard he was like a crazy clean freak or something. I wonder why he's staying…

After a few more minutes I can finally catch my breath. I'm pretty sure I'm done. And I don't feel too fuzzy in the head anymore.

I finish wiping my face with the rag the Captain had used on my hair.

"So why did you think coming here to drink at this hour would be a smart decision? Do you really think training tomorrow will be easy even with a hangover?"

I move a piece of hair out of my face and look over at him. He's sitting on his knees beside me. I can hear the sarcasm in his voice, but I don't really think he's trying to be too rude.

"I just.. couldn't sleep, Captain."

"So.. you drink when you have insomnia?"

"No sir. But I heard the voices and laughter and was curious. Then Hanji dragged me into their group. I didn't want to leave though. I still don't think I could fall asleep even if I wanted to."

"Hmmm… I see. Bad dream?"

"N-No, Captain!", I stutter quickly, "It is not that at all, sir!"

"Quit it brat!", the Captain yells, "I'm tired of that!"

"Tired.. of what, sir?!"

"That! You keep calling me 'Sir' or 'Captain'."

"Y-Yes sir. It's called respect. You are of higher rank. You deserve a great deal of respect."

"I don't care! Just go back to how you were before!"

I'm left speechless. Maybe because it was really late, or maybe because of the alcohol still in my system, or maybe because of what he said. I'm not sure; it could be all three.

"I know I yelled at you. I said some things that I didn't quite mean. My d*mn head has been all messed up. But you acting all stupid like that always pisses me off. Sure, your snarky comments angered the sh*t out of me, but I didn't necessarily hate it. You acting all nice and respectful towards me is way worse than you calling me names or throwing me off a tree. I don't think I'm making any d*mn sense, but that's all I got."

He pauses for a moment.

"Oh!", he says, "And can you, for the love of everything holy, please just call me Levi?! You have never once called me Levi. It's always been 'Sir' or 'Captain'. It's just weird."

"...C-Capta-", I stutter before throwing up for, thankfully, the last time for the night.

After I finish, the Captain groans and lets go of my hair. "Whatever. I don't know why I bothered telling you", he says while standing up, "I'll be right back."

The Captain leaves for a short moment. I wipe my mouth one last time with the rag, which now needs to be deep-cleaned. I start to think about what he said. It's true. I hate having to act this way around him. But I thought that's what he wanted. I was acting different than the other soldiers and he didn't like that; so I changed. Now he's saying he wants it to be like how it was before? Can't he make up his mind? And why should I call him Levi? He's the Captain; that's his title. I am so confused.

The Captain comes back and sits down next to me.

"Here", he says handing me a cup with water inside, "Drink this."

"Geez, Shorty. Took you long enough to get a sick girl some water", I say, my words dripping with sarcasm.

He sits there stunned at my sudden change in behavior.

I take the cup from him. "Thank you, Levi", I say before taking a few gulps of the cold liquid.

He sighs and looks at me somewhat softly, "You're welcome. [F/N]."