Comrade Skywalker: Episode V: The Shill Empire Strikes Back

by An Aroused Koala

Karl Marx's birthday is May 5th. Star Wars day is May 4th. Coincidence? I think not. This is the second installment in the story of Luke and Leia - the children of the legendary Comrade Anakin Skywalker - and their struggle to overthrow the corrupt capitalist shill Galactic Empire. (Please read this in the same voice as the Clone Wars opening narration)

15. Han inspects the Freezing Equipment

Chapter 15 - Han Sovietly inspects the Freezing Equipment

Meanwhile, Boba Fett led Anakin and Han to the carbonite freezer. "This facility is crude, but it should be adequate to freeze Palpatine for his journey to the Gulag," muttered Anakin, for once actually getting his lines mostly correct.

"Lord Vader, we only use this facility for carbon freezing. If you put him in there, it might kill him." snivelled Lando corporately popping out of nowhere.

"IDK who Lord Vader is but I am certainly not a Lord I am a FUCKING COMRADE YOU FUCKING CARAMEL POPCORN," Anakin said, using the force to push Lando's feeble body out of the way. "Anyway, that is why we must make sure Palpatine is frozen correctly. You must inspect the freezing equipment to make sure that it is on the correct settings," he continued, rounding on Han leftistly.

"Me? I don't know anything about how this shit works. Can't you do it?" replied Han in the voice of Fidel Castro.

"Um well yes but I am er … busy," stuttered Anakin, putting on the latest episode of the Chapo Trap House podcast. "Do or do not, there is no try," he commanded pointing at Han respectfully and appropriating Yoda's lines but it was ok to appropriate from stockbrokers.

Han jumped down into the freezing thing and began to check the dials. Suddenly he heard some loud sirens and whooshing noises. Communist smoke began to emanate from the equipment. "Hey, what are you doing-" he tried to scream but it was too late. Han had been frozen in carbonite.