Chapter 6
Decision-some
The sunlight woke me up, the curtains were all open and the light was streaming inside brightening the room and forcing me into wakefulness despite how much I longed to continue sleeping.
I opened my eyes lazily and yawned big time as I stretched my arms and legs as best as I could before I finally sat up in my bed. I was still in my little black dress. My white usually pristine clean pillow case was now covered in shades of beige and black from the makeup I slept in yesterday. My phone was lying next to me on the bed as well, so I picked it up and checked out the time, it was 8 in the morning.
Jacob's side of the bed was untouched, so I gathered he spent the night at Tanya's like he promised her. Fine by me.
I swung my legs to the side of the bed getting ready to leave the bed when I heard the door to the house being closed shut downstairs.
Speak of the devil.
I giggled to myself.
Jacob walked in, took one look at me, and then said coldly, "You look like a mess."
"A hot mess, I'm sure." I replied as I giggled again and stood up stretching. "I hope your work emergency is resolved," I patted my eyes innocently looking at him, "anything I should be concerned about as head of Marketing?"
"No." He said dismissively, "I'll be away on business this entire weekend though, this issue has to be addressed because it's quite a headache."
"I bet it is." I laughed internally at how he just made reference to Tanya.
"Don't expect me before Monday morning."
"You always work so hard, honey." I leaned in and kissed him quickly, "I wish I was as hard working as you are!"
I walked quickly into the dressing room to take off my clothes leaving him still standing in the bedroom, but it only took him a second to follow me in, "Are you okay? You've been acting weird lately."
"Just glad to be alive." I shrugged and moved to the bathroom.
I took my time in there, washing my face from the reminder of my makeup as I waited for the bathtub to fill with hot water. I took a moment to examine my face in the mirror looking at my lips, the lips that kissed those of a woman for the first time yesterday, they don't look any different. There are no signs of my cheating act.
The bathtub was ready for me, well, as ready as it can be, considering that I looked around for anything to add to the water to pamper myself with and found nothing. What the fuck? Am I not a woman? A well-established one for that matter? Why don't I have bath bombs, oils, or salts lying somewhere around here?
I sighed and stepped in, lowering myself into the water and letting my thoughts wander as the air steamed around me slowly.
I thought first about Alice. I thought about that kiss. How soft and delicate her lips felt in contrast to Jacob's. How it was tender and submissive in contrast to Jacob's demanding and dominant kisses. I've never kissed anybody other than Jacob. Meaning my reference was actually biased. Was all kissing like how Jacob kisses or was it like how Alice kisses? Or was Alice's kiss how women are supposed to kiss? Ah, fuck. I was clueless.
All I knew was that I wanted to kiss Alice again, and again, and again. I didn't think about anything past that. I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about how kissing would evolve or how a relationship would evolve. I just wanted the feeling of power and control I got from having her delicate tiny lips between mine.
Selfish and self-centered.
And then there was the fact that this is considered cheating on my husband, and that is something that I've never thought I would do. Not in all the years he insulted, humiliated and even raised his hand to me. That's not how I was raised.
And finally, my thoughts wandered to my night at Euphoria. The liberty I felt dancing with a stranger on a dance floor or even dancing alone. I wanted more of that.
I wanted to live and bask in the details of life.
I'm suddenly not afraid anymore.
Not afraid of being a failure, not afraid of being called a spoiled brat by my father, not afraid of being alone, and not afraid of talking back to my husband even.
I sighed feeling already better about myself, about everything, and tried to only think of this day ahead of me. One day at a time, my psychiatrist would always say.
At the top of my list was calling Alice, as her future boss. And then the rest of the list was basically chores I had to do around the house.
By the time I was out of the bathroom Jacob had already packed his bag and gone, perfect. The house to myself too!
I sat at my dresser wrapped in my towel and picked up my phone and dialed Alice's number. It took her a few rings to pick up, "Bella?" her voice was timid and embarrassed, I could tell she was horrified by what happened yesterday.
So, before she could say something stupid, I started speaking "Good morning, Alice. I hope I am not bothering you this early, but I need you to send me your CV and talk to me in details about your internship at BlackSwan, so that I am able to speak to CEO Swan about your future position at our company as my assistant."
It took her a moment of silence, she was obviously assessing the situation before she spoke, "Of course Mrs. Black, It'll be emailed to you within the hour."
"Thank you, Alice. Have a nice day." I said before hanging up on her.
I took a slow breath.
One task down.
I blow dried my hair, got dressed, and took one more look at myself at the mirror before deciding that I'll be wearing makeup at home today. If I am going to be acting like my social class and position entail, I might as well start now.
When I was done, I wandered down the stairs and walked into the kitchen. A mess. A fucking mess. I opened the fridge, half empty. Nothing was deemed breakfast worthy in this kitchen. I picked up my phone once more and dialed Esme this time.
"Bella! I'm so glad to hear your voice!"
"Say what Esme, my kitchen is pretty empty, you know any good places to order breakfast?"
"Oh! I know just the place." She said excited. "How about I pick up breakfast and come over?"
"Are you sure you still don't want keys to my house? Maybe a bedroom while we're at it?"
She just laughed at that and replied with "I'll take the bedroom."
I smiled because she was genuinely nice to me. She keeps saying I'm the daughter she never had, but in all honesty, she's the mother I never had. She's far more caring and loving towards me than my mother has ever been in all my 27 years.
"I'm waiting for you, Esme."
After that, I made rounds through the house going from room to room, looking at the mess and the laundry and dreading all the hard work waiting for me. Until an idea sparked in my head.
Once again, I found myself picking up my phone, this time I dialed my dear husband.
"Jakey!" I said in an extra upbeat voice.
"Bells, I just left the house two hours ago, I hope there's a good reason you're calling me."
"Well yes. There is of course!" I replied, "It's just that house chores have pilled up so bad on me, honey, and I really do need someone to help me around the house. I think it's about time we hired some staff around here, don't you think?"
"Haven't we talked about this before? You know very well that I'm against strangers in my house."
"Ok fine, fine. I'll do the chores, but how about you reward me afterwards?"
"What do you mean? If by reward you, you mean hire staff, then no."
"No, I wasn't even going to suggest that." I smiled to myself before saying the next part, "I'll just come spend the rest of the weekend with you on your business trip, take some time out, and reward myself by staying with my husband in some nice hotel."
"Excuse me?"
"Where are you staying, honey?" I sugarcoated my voice.
"Bells, I don't have time to take my wife with me on business trips."
"I know, honey. But I'm bored with all the chores." I then threw something that I knew would seal the deal, "Maybe I should've just called my daddy and asked him where you were and came over to surprise you?"
And I let that sink in for a moment.
I let him consider what would happen if my father heard about his fake business trip, or dug for the reasons behind it. His business partner/father-in-law finding out he was cheating on me.
I can almost imagine his face right now.
"How many staff do you want to hire?" His voice was ice-cold and threatening.
Normally, old Bella Black would consider this a promise of a beating when he came back home.
But me, Isabella Swan, this was a win. I wasn't scared one bit.
"Just a few." I giggled. "Thank you, honey!"
And I hung up right at the moment, no goodbyes, no shit.
/
"Bella? What happened to your kitchen?" Esme asked me with a bit of disgust lacing her voice as she stood at the door way to my kitchen.
"Nothing. Precisely nothing at all, nobody bothers to clean it because there isn't anybody to clean it. It's just me and Jakey Jake. Which brings me to my next conversation topic," I kept talking as I walked past her into the kitchen and to the kitchen table, and just simply pushed everything that was laying on top of it to the floor with my hands, sending old food, paper bags, old newspapers, and even a couple of dishes and glasses to the floor, "I need to hire staff to maintain the house and do chores around here, I'm done doing shit for the ungrateful son of a bitch of a husband of mine."
Esme just stood there covering her mouth with one hand, and holding the breakfast bag in the other, as she watched dishes and glasses along with other stuff fly to the kitchen floor, some shattering into a hundred pieces.
"A gardener, a cook, a couple of maids, and a head of the house. What do you think? That'll be enough?" I said as I put my hand to my waist examining my handy work on the floor and then turning to look at her, "Do you know where I can hire people?"
"You're going crazy!" exclaimed Esme, to which I simply shrugged my shoulders and pulled out a chair to sit at the table.
"Come on, I'm hungry!"
When Esme finally sat down at the table with me, she was already pulling out contact numbers, but not for hiring agencies rather for psychiatrists.
"Esme, honestly, I am fine. I already have a psychiatrist!"
"Then what's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong, everything is right! Finally."
She looked at me skeptic.
"Look, I've been overwhelmed for years, living with a tumor. I was overwhelmed by my husband, and my parents, and my work. Always feeling not normal because of my condition. But now I feel liberated and free. I feel as if a huge burden has lifted off my shoulder. I'm no longer afraid. Of anything!"
It was partially the truth. But I also knew that something in me has changed. Carlisle mentioned behavioral changes, I secretly knew this was part of it. The tumor was hindering me. It was what was causing all the fear and stress, it has been locking me inside my head.
But now I was free.
And I wasn't going to settle. For anything. Not the way I was being treated by anybody, not the way I was perceived at work, not the way I felt about myself and my life. Not my husband, not this house, not this relationship.
Two hours later Esme and I were calling agencies and people, looking at applicants and narrowing down choices to hire at my house. And it was fun.
By the end of the day, we were done. People were met and hired, and promises of starting their job tomorrow were made.
I said goodbye to Esme, and half an hour later I was climbing in bed promising myself of a clean organized house tomorrow. I held my phone, checking my emails and social media, finding the email Alice sent me with her CV and smiling slightly to myself as I imagined the both of us hauled at my office all day working together. That was something I truly looked forward to.
But I knew I'd have to tackle my dad first to get these things done.
/
I woke up smiling this morning. Yesterday was good. But my smile dropped when I looked at my phone. An email was sitting in my inbox from my dad. And I wondered what I had done wrong now.
But the email had two words. "Call me".
So, I did, I sat up straight in my bed and called him.
"Isabella." He said curtly.
"Father." Yes, father not dad. He considers dad disrespectful and bratty.
"I was checking my work calendar for tomorrow. I see you have got yourself an appointment. Is everything in order?"
"Yes, father."
"What is it?" He asked.
"I refuse to discuss it over the phone as your daughter, it is a work matter, and I'll wait until Monday to bring it up to you at work."
"You never do that, Isabella." He stated.
"I know, father, I'm trying to be more professional about my work affairs."
"Hmm." He hummed, in approval, thankfully.
"I'll see you on Monday, Mr. Swan." I said in conclusion to finish the call, feeling like I earned a point somehow.
"Good day, Mrs. Black." He said and hung up.
That was good. A behavior approved by my dad. Perfect.
It was about time that I made some adjustments.
One thing that has bothered me was him calling me a Black. I hated it so much.
Moving on from that I got dressed and tried to get ready for the day ahead of me, because you know, one day at a time. I waited patiently for my new hired staff to arrive, and was elated when they did. I spent most of the day watching them as they buzzed around the house making things tidier and in order. It was heavenly and relaxing.
Another burden lifted off my shoulder.
I spent most of the morning slacking around the house, until a little before noon I received a text from Alice.
Alice- Hey there
Bella- Hello
Alice- Wanna grab lunch?
Bella- Are you asking me out on a date?
I giggled knowing that would make her nervous.
Alice- of course not! I mean it as a friend.
Bella- well I hired a new cook, why don't you come over and we'll have lunch at my place?
It took her about 10 full minutes to reply to that with a short ok.
And now an hour later Alice and I were sitting at my table as my maids platted food and served it, fuck I felt like royalty!
The conversation was light, surprisingly not one bit awkward at all, which was really good considering everything. We discussed a few things here and there, and then the conversation turned around to our upcoming work relationship.
"Let's just establish one thing, whatever happened between us before, we're leaving that outside work." I pointed out, "We were just two drunk women who met on the dance floor in a club opening and ended up kissing in the bathroom." I added a shrug for extra measures.
"Mm, okay?" She replied unsure.
"You have problems with that?" I asked her.
"You said happened, past tense, as if that was that and it's over."
"Well, do you not want it to be over? Do you want to pursue wherever that kiss came from?" I put my fork down and rested my palm underneath my chin studying her, as my mind worked quick analyzing her every move, obsessing over small details as I have been doing recently.
She hesitated for a moment before uttering a low unsure, "I don't know."
"Alice," I said quietly grabbing her attention and drawing her eyes up back again to look at me, I had to make sure she understood me, "I'm married."
That simple statement forced her to bury her face in her palms.
"I am married." I stressed every syllable I could, "And I just got out of a life-threatening surgery. And that fact alone is not something I take lightly. I'm not the same person you met a couple of months ago when you started working at BlackSwan. I'm different, in ways that even I don't understand yet, and am still exploring and experimenting with."
"Yes, I can tell you're different." She nodded, her voice muffled, face still buried in her hands.
"So, yea. I don't know what you want. But I'm not ready for anything serious." I pulled her hands away from her face, "I need to get my life together. Or at least get a life to begin with."
I was a loser really. Emphasis on 'was', because I'm hell bent on changing that.
"So, what are your actual career goals?" I asked suddenly changing the subject hoping it would lift some of the awkwardness and tension.
"A fashion consultant." She replied shortly.
"Oh, really?" the wheels in my head were already turning, "I need one of those!"
She lifted her head looking at me again.
I lifted my fork instead and started gathering food in my plate as I motioned to myself with my other hand, "Oh look at me? Would you know I was head of marketing and daughter of CEO of one of the leading fashion companies in the world if you've seen me walking on the streets?"
She shook her head no.
"Exactly! I look like I shop at the thrift store!" I threw my hands in the air in exaggeration, "I need to look like a lady."
"Mm, are you offering me another job?"
"Can you tackle 2 jobs?" I smirked at her.
She smiled a bit shy and shrugged.
"So, yea, you're going to be my fashion consultant outside work, and my assistant inside work." I said and leaned back in my chair a bit, "You realize that means you'll be glued to my ass all day long and through weekends too?"
"You do have a nice ass, so I don't mind." The words rushed out before she clamped her hand on her mouth in horror, "I'm sorry!"
I just laughed really hard choosing not to comment on that, "Well, would you like to take a look at my wardrobe?" I asked her.
She just nodded.
"We'll wash up and meet at the top of the stairs." I said the words and excused myself to the bathroom, washing my hands and my teeth, giving myself a once over before I waited for her at the top of my staircase.
I watched her climb the stairs slowly timid and shy, which is unusual for Alice, and I felt confident. More confident than I've ever felt in my life, I've never been confident about anything, I'm used to being the shy and timid person, used to feeling ugly and unwanted. I've always felt lucky that Jacob offered to marry me, because it felt like nobody else would want me, or at least that's how he made me feel.
But now being desired by someone other than him, the guy in the club, and Alice, a woman, has given me the feeling that I am worthy and desirable by both men and women.
And in that very moment at the top of the stairs, I realized that when I turned a blind eye to my insecurities, I would able to grasp the full potential of myself, I would be able to explore my options. Because my insecurities were gone for some reason after the operation, I was no longer afraid of stepping outside my comfort zone. Honestly, I don't think I have a comfort zone at all right now. I'm just freelancing through possibilities and options.
And that included my sexuality. I never thought about women, never thought I'd kiss one, or like one, or want one. Another thing, I can't imagine having sex with Jacob for the rest of my life, I can't imagine staying with him for the rest of my life.
Now the one thought that swirled around my head as Alice took the final step up was that my marriage had to end. I had to move on from Jacob, so I can do whatever I wanted and be whoever I wanted.
"My dressing room is that way through the bedroom," I pointed for Alice to follow me, "Don't mock my bad taste in clothing, okay?"
We stepped inside the dressing room and Alice stood there for a moment examining the items around her. "We'll need to add variety to your color scheme for one thing," she said as she started skimming through my closet and pulling out stuff here and there.
Three hours later we were still stuck in my closet browsing through it, I could see that Alice took her job seriously, she even took out a pad and a pen to start scribbling notes. Not long after that she demanded I try a few items on so she could see how they look on me and make notes of my appropriate sizes and so one. I didn't know this would take so long.
"Here," She handed me a dress from one of the hangers, "put this on."
So, I stood up not giving it much thought before I unbuttoned my jeans and pushed them down, and then I pulled my shirt up and off my head. I slipped the dress on my body and turned my back to Alice to zip me up. It wasn't until I turned around to face her that it dawned on me that what I had just done was inappropriate on so many levels, especially considering what we had just discussed downstairs.
"I'm sorry, Alice." I said slowly "Sometimes I don't think about what I'm doing."
"Okay, then don't think about this." She replied before closing the distance between us and kissing me.
It was needy and eager, and before I even realized it my hands were moving up and down her body despite my better judgement, making their way underneath her shirt to feel the smooth skin on her stomach. And then I snapped. I backed up slowly, pushed her away gently.
"So not professional, Alice." I noted.
Now she was embarrassed, I could tell.
"I have to go." She muttered as she gathered her stuff and made a dash for the door, and I let her run.
"I'll see you tomorrow." I whispered more to myself than to her, because she was already downstairs slamming the door to my house shut.