Vampsterdam is the cure, and I'm Robert Smith. I had the spiciest Jumbo-liar in Times Square, Norleans. I'm wearing a jacket that has a screen printed photo of Jauquin Pheonix's Joker, with a kentucky tie and a cravat, with a turtle shell sleevless vest, when Felecity brok the news to me. "whaaaa?!"

Felecity wore a black lolita moomoo 3 sizes too big. "Can't you tell by my wardrobe that I'm expecting?"

"Expecting what?" I asked, curiously, with a wry smile dancing across my lips.

"I am heavy with child." Felecity snorted.

"Yeah."

"So, yeah" She whispered, her icy breath on the nape of my neck. Renee Brown was right, intimacy is hard.

"But how! we never even had secks!" I growled at her, baring my fangs. If there's one thing I hate most, it's a liar. 'Liar! Liar, liar, liar!" I screamed, plugging my ears with my pinkies.

"You're acting like a child!"

"Takes one to know one!" I yelled and blew a raspberry at her belly.

"...Remember when you dropped all those eggs?" She cooed. I froze. My blood ran to ice. Eggs. "Well, let's just say one of thsoe eggs grew some feet and walked it's way my way." Her voice bellowed, echoing off the church walls.

"Shh," I shushed, "Theyre having a service." I hate churches, they remind my of jesus. "oof, ouchie, ouchie, ow ow ow!" I saw a cross on the wall, and my tummy flipped in pain ;(. A bebe. I remembered now...

Flashback!

Cancoon, a summer's eve. Tequila paloma in hand, I sip languidly from the slender plastic straw. I throw the straw into a nearby beach and a baby turtle catches it. This is how we play fetch. It was a tropical paradise, but in the moonlight...it all seemed so dark...and barren. Even in the honeydew glow of the recently set sigh, I felt the pang of longing for my lover, just a cabana away. This was just like when caught inthe litter box, there's no way a cat could poop that big, I should've known. Along sigh escapes my lips, catching my by surprise. Is this all there is to life?

Enter Felecity. She fals on her face and vomits herself back into an erect position. "Sorry bout that" She giggled, wiping bile from her lips. After that display, I knew we had to fuq.

She put her lips over my tummy and began to blow. immediately I swelled with air. Hot, loving air. I farted it out, and she traced my inner thigh with one toe, and with the other, pluced my chest hair like a cello string while I licked her eustacientube. "We have so much in common," I say, erotically tugging at my own tube. We wrapped eachother up in our harp like equipment. A night core remix of Come and Get Your Love and Dead Man's Party by Oingo Boingo is playing. With her canines, she drains the cyst on my back, and I have to bite my own hand to keep from climaxing. I turn to her and whimper, "Got any leftovers?" She smiles, her mouth completely full, and she huffs it back into my ear.

I pour one gallon of heavy whipping cream into the bowl with four eggs and beat till blended. Then I added two cups of sugar and a teaspoon of vanilla extract and a dash of sinnamon. The sex, custard.

"Here I come I am CINIMON" Said the apple jacks cinno-man, "I hope you're chilly, cause I got a spicy willie." I was rubbing lighter fluid on his nether regions.

"Come and knock on our door" Felecity sang, tears steaming down her face. She was terrified. So was I.

"LEAVE US ALONE! you're trying to kill us!" I hollered at him. and he finished. Appl juice covered the floor. the beach floor. We're on a beach. with sand. And unbecoming Decorum fell upon the sino-mon's face. I could see in the relfections of his eyes, the rising sun. We had to jet, but it was too good to move, and the sun did come and we were set aflame. Igniting the lighter fluid on this sins cock, and our own passions

.We gat eachothner plegnant.

flash forward!

"Oh yeaaah," I murmured, Eggs. "Felecity, I'm just not in the spot to take care of a kid right now."

"Neither am I", But right then, I saw a sight that horrified me. A basketbull flew out from under Felecity's dress, and landed a perfect three point shot. She was lying! but had game.

"HOw could you deceive me." I growled, Barring my fangs, soaked in blood. A light rain had started, and my hair dswooped down to an edgy point in the middle of my forward, like a member of the anime Misfits. "Let's end this!" I lunged at her basketball-less frame, easily tackling her to the ground. She fell like a fuckin sack of tinder. But she sprang to all fours, with the alacrity of a house cat. She projectile vomited at me, but missed, and instead disentegrated a column behind me. Gazerbeam's open casket falls to the floor, spilling out his bones. His mother has a heartattac kand dies on the spot.

"Guess, it's two funerals now, let's make it three" I lunge at felecity again. I ahd to be careful, one blast of gthat tummy goo, and I'd be toast.

"End this." I heard a voice at the end of the church corridor. We froze. An unholy light shone throught the cathedral . Grimace, prince of xXdarknessXx levetated toward us. His eyes crimson red and his fury full ablaze. "I'm at full capactiy" He grimaced. Looking toward the crucific and the endd of the room, he dismantled it's matter with one hand motion. "This image displeases me."

"Grimace no!" I was so lost, what was happening. I looked to Felectiy and she was gone, jusrt her sillhoutte in smoke, and a pile of vomit. "Shit, fuck" I winced, I had to make my escape as well. I put in my headphones, and put on that Pina Collada song. You know the one. From Shrek. and I made like a banana and split!

Back on the streets of Vampsterdam, I knew I couldn't stay here. Grimace's mere presence had lay waste to the town. Flowers once in bloom, rotter in their boxes. More like home. The shop keeper ahd aged three hundred years. But so do we all. It looked like a Disturbed album cover. I take off my tear away clothes to reveal my apocolypse long johns. "End is here!" written on the butt flap. The only man left alive, the Form Chicago mayor Rob Blagojevich, was selling cat skins by the road beneath the sky scraper tall Grimace who was growing in size. "Nice longjohns," He winked, because, you see, Former Chicago Mayor Rob Blagojevich also had the same long johns. He came prepared. He let out a soft fart, to let me know he wasn't a threat. At least I had one friend inthe end times. I nod my head in his direction like a cool kid in middle school.

"Where'd you get yours?" I asked, but before I could get an answer. Current Chicago Mayor, Laurie Lightfoot arrived in her flash uniform. Chicago needs saving. "Light foot? I haven't seen you since the cult."

"Don't talk about it," She responded and sprinted towards the growing Grimace. She breaks the sound barrier.

"Always the over achiever," Former Chicago Mayor, Rob Blagojevich chuckled, releasig a soft but firm fart. To assert that he felt threatened, but that's just chicago politics baby. And he turned back to his hot dog cart and at some.

Meanwhile, Grimace has layed waste to the entire Eastern Seaboard. Time to move again-Former Chicago Mayor, Rob Blogojevich,