Chapter 8 – Admitting

Bar a few moments to change into a nicer, if still very tight shirt, Max spent the entire time since she received that flurry of texts alternating between tidying her room and trying to keep a lid on her bubbling anxiety. Running over various ways to apologise that didn't devolve into rambling incoherence, but she knew it was probably going end up happening anyway, either that or she would become tongue tied and immediately burst into tears. However, she didn't have long to torture herself with her imagination as it seemed that Chloe must have already been on her way when she had texted when she heard the door open behind her.

Max turned around from where she had been sorting out her homework pile to see Chloe slink through the doorway, carefully closing the door behind her before looking up and catching Max's eyes with her own. In a matter of seconds both of them covered the distance between them, Chloe more so with her longer stride, coming together as they wrapped their arms around each other, holding tightly.

"Chloe…" Max choked out through the tears that came, "I'm so sorry, I didn't… I n-never meant to-"

"Hey, just take it easy," Chloe cut her off rubbing her back firmly, not allowing her to pull away.

The floodgates opened and Max couldn't hold back as she began to sob, her face buried into Chloe's collar as the taller girl's shirt soaked up the tears. Chloe stroked her back while maintaining a firm hold as best she could, closing her eyes and nuzzling into the mop of brown hair trying to keep her own tears from spilling over.

Neither of them could say for sure how long they stood there like that but eventually it seemed that Max was cried out as her sobs calmed down. Chloe continued to hold her for a while longer murmuring calming hushes partly for Max's benefit and so that she didn't have to speak which would have given away her own nearly crying state if her voice caught in her throat.

But eventually, they pulled themselves together enough that they could ease their hold on each other. Max wiped at her eyes and sniffed, feeling a mess and frowned at herself when she saw the wet marks on Chloe's shirt.

"Um, S-sorry about your shirt," Max apologised quietly, her voice a little raw still.

"Don't worry about, dude," Chloe smiled softly at her, raising a hand to sweep an errant lock of hair from Max's cheek where it had become stuck. "You should see how bad I look when I ugly cry, now that's really something that would scare you."

It wasn't all that funny, but it elicited a rough coughing sounding chuckle from Max as her throat was a little raw, but it was enough for now Chloe thought as she took Max's hand in hers, guiding them to the bed so they could sit down. Unlike the last time they had sat here, there was no distance left between them as their thighs pressed together sitting side by side. They locked eyes briefly and both blushed again, Max looking away first causing Chloe to lightly bump her shoulder with an amused snort.

"How you feeling?" Chloe prompted after a moment, she didn't want to push Max, but she knew letting her sink into her thoughts now wasn't going to help them work through what they needed to. "Feeling any better?"

"I've f-" Max winced as her throat caught, dried up from most of her body's fluids leaking out over the last few minutes. She wet her lips and swallowed before starting again, "I've felt better, but I kinda deserve it. I know I've been selfish, wallowing in my own misery since I came back rather than considering how you must have felt after Victoria did what she did, but I promise you're still my best friend nothing will ever change that."

"Don't take it all on yourself, we both had our parts in fucking that conversation up." Chloe admitted having felt guilty about blowing up at Max. "I overreacted because of my own shit I thought I was over, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"I'm sorry…" Max felt a brief flash of guilt again that she'd brought up those feelings for Chloe, after her conversation with Rachel she understood now just how raw a subject it might still be for her friend.

"You don't have to apologise for that," Chloe dismissed with a shrug, "It should be me apologising. We promised we'd trust each other with anything, and I shouldn't have tried to hide stuff from you with how it might have looked."

"You don't have to tell me everything, I was being nosy about Rachel and I got things all mixed up in my head…" Max still felt like it was her fuck up as she trailed off.

"You've always been a bit of a snoop though," Chloe playfully nudged her shoulder smiling fondly at memories of Max and her as kids that went through her mind, before returning to the more serious conversation they needed to have, "I probably should have expected this to come up sooner than later."

They both remained quiet for a moment, allowing themselves a moment to process everything and think about what came next. The pair in sync enough that they both went to speak at the same time, a laugh was shared as Chloe indicated for Max to speak first.

"Um, Rachel… called me earlier," Max started cautiously, she didn't want to hide something as important but given Chloe's previous concerns about being talked about behind her back she didn't want to make it come across that way. However, before she could explain more Chloe interjected.

"I know. She gave me an earful about not telling you," Chloe grumbled with a slight sigh, "and she was right, of course, but I wish she'd just stop treating things like everything's a game to her."

"What was she like," Max prompted, she was curious to hear more from Chloe's perspective now that she'd actually spoken to the other girl. "You never really told me much beyond how you first met."

"I guess the best way to describe her is a force of nature. She had the attention of anyone she wanted and was instantly good at everything she tried," Chloe began, her voice taking on a wistful tone as she talked about what kind of a person Rachel was and the impact she had during the previous three years, "It's been hard to trust people since, well since my dad died, but when Rachel came along, she instantly got me. She didn't let me feel sorry for myself and we went through all that shit together that I told you about… It was intense."

"But… I think that's partly why it got so bad toward the end," she continued, "she pulled away, and we stopped being honest with each other. I used to wonder how it would have gone if I hadn't been so blind to how she felt about everything before it got to that point, but it's not like I can go back and change it."

Max reached over taking a hold of Chloe's hand squeezing it reassuringly, the punk immediately reciprocated the affection by turning her hand over and linking their fingers together.

"That's why I reacted like I did, it just opened up a lid I thought I'd managed to lock down. Sorry again I took my shit out on you…" Chloe had felt horrible since that day too, being eaten up by anger at her own actions which mixed with the regret and self-doubt brought on from her breakup with Rachel.

But right now, none of that mattered as shy smiles were exchanged. They lent into each other quietly enjoying the moment and allowing themselves to gather their thoughts as Max still had many more questions itching at the back of mind that she wanted to ask.

"When did, um," Max started to ask, blushing as she stopped part way through. She wasn't sure if Chloe was ok with any more questions, but she couldn't help but want to understand more.

"Out with it, Caulfield," Chloe chuckled affectionately, "Can't promise I'll answer everything, but I do promise no more hiding important shit, ok?"

"Ok, but tell me if I'm being too nosy," Max conceded as she took a deeper breath, "When did you figure out you were into the whole, um, thing?"

"I dunno exactly," A red tinge began to appear across the punk's face as she realised what Max was asking. Coughing nervously, she scratched the back of her neck as she began speaking. "I mean I think I always was to some degree. I always thought bigger women were attractive, but it wasn't until I found some stuff online that it started to make sense to me."

"I saw some of those sites." Max quietly added but didn't elaborate beyond that.

Chloe frowned slightly in concern as she rubbed a thumb over Max's hand in hers, "What did you think of what you saw?"

"I don't really know, it was after Victoria told me…" Max started but she paused took a moment to think about it, the flashes of her imagination filling her mind again which she quickly dismissed for now. "I was confused more than anything I think."

"To be honest so was I at first," Chloe empathised, she knew it wasn't the most common of preferences for people to accept, "but once it clicked for me, I knew I couldn't pretend that I wasn't into it anymore. I just didn't know how to explain what happened with Rachel without weirding you out."

Max looked up from where she had been focussed on their entwined hands to meet Chloe's gaze. In her eyes she could see the need for reassurance after being so open. As much as Chloe put up a confident, almost cocky, front she was still the same girl Max had grown up with, the same one who had a sentimental streak a mile wide and wore her heart on her sleeve around those she cared for.

"I'm sorry if I ever made it seem like you couldn't talk to me." Max began earnestly, wanting to convey just how much she regretted the distance between them recently. "I don't want to hurt you again."

"You won't," Chloe rebuffed almost immediately. "You just need to trust yourself and that I'm here for you no matter what, ok?"

"I want to be there for you too, Chloe," tears began to sheen in her eyes again, "I hate that I'm so flaky, but I get overwhelmed and I stop thinking clearl-."

"You are there for me, Max. I don't need you to be perfect, I just need you, ok?" Chloe reassured, she knew Max's self-doubt could be killer if left unchallenged, especially after something like this. "I know anxiety is a bitch, but you should be proud that you're putting yourself out there with your photography. You've got friends who care about you and you're worth so much more than to feel so low about yourself."

Max blushed at the enthusiastic pep talk, but she genuinely felt better after clearing the air and the open affection in Chloe's expression melted her heart as the butterflies began fluttering with gusto. "It means a lot coming from you, since you're the reason I feel brave enough to try."

The pair fall silent once more simply smiling softly at each other as Max brought their joined hands up to her chest holding them there as her heart raced faster. The moment seemed to stretch on for an eternity as they sat there gazing at each other, but it was Chloe who looked away first, a tinge of red streaking across her cheeks as she cleared her throat.

"So, uh, how about we finish off that movie night that got interrupted last time?" Chloe asked a little awkwardly as she rubbed the back of her neck again, plastering a wide grin on her face to cover up the intensity of emotions Max could see in her eyes.

Although she still had homework that she knew was overdue, Max wouldn't pass up the opportunity for anything in the world right now to right the wrongs of that day and replace the experience with something better, and although she was a little disappointed that she had to let go of Chloe's hand either of them could stop grinning at each other.

The pair made quick work of setting up the laptop and chair so they could lean back against the wall and both see the screen. This time though, Max readily accepted the offered space to cuddle into Chloe's side as the taller girl put her arm around her giving her a gentle squeeze.

Afternoon became evening as the film they had been watching had been well and truly ripped into, both of them calling it as dumb of an action flick as you could get. After the film was over, they'd moved onto watching random silly videos on YouTube and sharing their favourite music with each other, but eventually hunger pains set in as Chloe's stomach rumbled first.

"Damn, I really shouldn't skip lunch," Chloe grumbled as she realised just how hungry she was, she'd finished her morning shift and then the call with Rachel and then rushing over to see Max without really thinking of the impact of the disruption to her schedule.

Max felt the giggle bubble up as the punk's stomach growled louder, "I could probably do with getting something to eat too, to be honest."

"Hmmm, there's that seafood place down at the shore that's good but it's a bit cold out still, could always just hit up the drive through at the burger or pizza place if you don't fancy getting wrapped up?" Chloe proposed a few choices since she figured it would be best to avoid the Two Whales right now, mainly so Joyce didn't try to interrogate them while everything was still fresh.

"Ooh, I haven't had good seafood in ages," Max exclaimed, her mouth-watering at the prospect of some decent fresh caught crab.

Reluctantly, they had to move from their comfy position snuggled into each other and get ready, Chloe quickly shrugged her jacket back on and slipped into her boots while Max laced up her trainers. Although that was a task that was progressively getting harder to since she now got a little out of breath, but she managed without too much difficulty and grabbed her trusty grey hoodie. Although she did frown at herself momentarily when she remembered it wouldn't zip up any more around her much wider middle, but at least it would break the wind somewhat if it got a bit gusty on the way to the truck.

Soon they were on their way out of the dorm building and into the crisp fresh air. Blackwell was fairly exposed above the town and most of the trees that lined the hills down to the main promenade so there was nothing to preserve the heat of the earlier part of the day. Despite her many layers of inbuilt insulation Max still felt the chilled air on her visible under hang of belly from below her shirt as she tugged it down.

"You want me to run back up and grab your gloves or anything?" Chloe offered seeing Max briefly shiver but received a shake of the head in return. "Alright then, let's get moving, we'll get warmed up in the truck if need be."

With that Chloe took her hand as they walked down the steps into the quad outside the dorms, swinging their arms playfully, in part to generate some warmth and get blood pumping after having been lounged about all afternoon. There weren't many students out given the temperatures, but Max spotted Victoria hanging out by herself at the edge of the next building. It took Chloe a moment to notice Max's attention had drifted from the story she had been telling her about work.

If looks could kill, then they'd probably be six feet under as the blonde glared at them while taking angry drags on her cigarette and trying desperately to look aloof and poised despite the constant shivering, clearly not wanting to spoil her outfit with some bulky winter jacket. Seeing the perfect opportunity to wind the girl up without causing too much of a scene, Chloe made use of the angles of sight to raise her middle finger so that Victoria could see but Max couldn't.

It was obvious that the blonde had noticed as she huffed, throwing the remains of her cigarette down, stomping on it before storming off in the opposite direction. Quickly holstering her finger, she continued to play dumb to Max's questioning look earning her an affectionate but exasperated roll of the eyes at her need to antagonise.

As the truck came into view they sped up to a brisk jog, well as quickly as Max could go given her more sedate waddling pace compared to Chloe's longer strides but soon enough Chloe was opening the door, offering a hand as Max hauled herself with some effort into the cab.

"Fuck, better hope the heater kicks in quick," Chloe grumbled as she had made her way around the other side, turning the ignition and fiddling with various dials, "You alright?"

"I, huff, I'm g-good," Leaning back against the seat Max caught her breath, that waddling quick walk had been more exercise than she had done all month as her chest moved in time with her deep lungful's of air. It only took a moment for her breathing to settle as she strapped herself in, adjusting her shirt which was definitely not cut out for covering her belly these days as it continued to ride back up once she let go. It was then that she noticed they still hadn't moved off. Normally Chloe would peel out the parking lot at light speed, tyres screeching below them, instead the punk sat quietly, looking at her in a way that she couldn't quite understand. When she caught her eyes, Chloe looked away with a slight frown on her ridge.

"Chloe?" Max prompted seeing there was something clearly still on her friend's mind, although her heart rate rose again as she wondered what else they might need to discuss.

"When we were kids we always used to talk about how we'd be together forever, how we'd plan out our lives, adventures…" Chloe started slowly, her voice giving away some insecurity as she flexed her grip on the steering wheel a few times.

"I miss back then too, everything was so simple," Max reassured her, thinking it was just a wave of nostalgia, "I think it's part of growing up though, realising there is more to the world than what we could understand as kids."

"It's not that," Chloe shook her head, she got the idea of simple but she hadn't thought that was possible since before her dad died, "It's just that what I was saying before about you putting your work out there, you're gonna do so much and I guess I'm just feeling sentimental is all."

"Plus, I just don't think anyone else is good enough for you, Max," the punk continued softly, her voice dropping to nowhere near the brash nature usually fronted, "Except for me that is…"

"Oh, Chloe," Max reached out taking Chloe's hand off the wheel and bringing it to her chest. It took her a moment to really understand just what Chloe was saying, her own insecurities trying to play it down that she couldn't have just said what she did.

"I get it if you don't feel the same or it's not the right time, but I've been holding this in for five years and I just couldn't bear the thought that down the line you meet someone, and I didn't tell you how much you mean to me." The tears were beginning to well in both their eyes as their gaze met.

For Max she could barely believe it, her heart thudded loudly as blood rushed around her ears loud enough, she could hear it. But somehow, she didn't freeze up as she brought Chloe's hand to her lips pressing a small kiss to the back of her knuckles causing the punk to blush deeper as an uncharacteristic shy smile tugged at her lips.

"Before I left for Seattle, I was too young to understand what I felt. It's why moving away hurt so and why I struggled so much but I didn't know at the time." Max started to explain, it was the part of her time during the last five years she had held back before, "Since coming back though I've felt so much more every time we're together and I kept thinking maybe you felt that too but I didn't want to risk our friendship if I got it wrong, you mean too much to me, Chloe."

Her tone rose in pitch as her throat tightened, feelings threatening to overwhelm her, "I want this between us more than you could imagine, but my brain is still a bit twisted up that it's screaming at me to ask something I don't want to because it's-"

"Hey, you don't have to worry about me going anywhere." Chloe scooted closer, pulling Max to her side into a hug, "The best thing right now is for us to be honest with each other. I won't get angry at anything you ask me, not after everything else, ok?"

Max nodded shakily, wiping the tears from the corner of her eyes, prefacing her question she began, "I know you wouldn't do anything to make me uncomfortable, not intentionally anyway, but I need to know… I need to know that it's not just because of my weight…"

"I said honesty, didn't I?" Chloe took in a deep breath. She knew that her preferences might get in the way of something between them, but she needed Max to know that it was secondary to anything else. "Yes, I'm attracted to you, but it isn't because of your weight. I will admit that when I first saw you and I didn't know it was you the thought did go through my mind,"

At that memory Max's head dropped down away from her gaze, a troubled frown forming unconsciously at the reminder of their first meeting and how panicked she had been.

"But, hey, look at me," Chloe used her free hand to tilt Max's head up again so she could look her in the eyes, "I've dreamed for years of being able to tell you this and I never thought I would even see you or have you be my friend again, let alone any have the chance to tell you how I've felt about you for so long."

"Max," she continued, "I need you to understand that I love you because of who you are not for any other reason. You're smart, funny, talented, and seriously amazing, I'd have to be an idiot to not feel this way about you, and I promise you that will never change because you will always be my best friend, no matter what happens."

Max swallowed hard as she realised Chloe was leaning in. Her mind settled from hearing that reassurance but quickly raced once more as she heard Chloe ask if she could kiss her. She nodded, almost imperceptibly, as the punk tilted her head, coming in closer.

Their lips met, ever so softly at first, Chloe being careful to not push too much until she was sure Max wouldn't pull back or freak out. It didn't take long for Max to respond in kind and lean into the embrace, although she could help but feel a little awkward given it was her first proper kiss. It didn't help that they were sat side on in the truck bench seat with her still buckled in either but despite that Max's heart felt like it was overflowing, sensations that she had only briefly felt from the fleeting touches they had shared roared to life.

When Chloe pulled away, she did so only slightly, not wanting to let Max go but giving her enough room to slow things down if she wanted, but this time Max leaned forward initiating another kiss, deeper and more needy that the first which had been just as intimate but more chaste in comparison.

At some point during the kiss, Chloe gently squeezed her hand in a way to encourage her efforts and also to prevent herself from pushing too far and touching more of Max than she allowed herself to think about right now, but before long they had to surface for air. Both of them breathing heavily due to a lack of oxygen but also the intensity of the moment as Max could see the darker shade in Chloe's eyes coming out with how she looked at her, desire clearly evident.

It was something Max never thought she would see from anyone but from Chloe it felt right, not a single ounce of her usual self-consciousness was felt as a giggle bubbled its way out of her, both of them grinning madly.

Trying to bring some measure of control back to herself Chloe pulled away first, cutting through the sexual tension with a joke otherwise she was liable to drag Max back her dorm room so they could be alone, "Damn, we need to slow down, otherwise, I'ma need a cold shower if you're gonna put the moves on me like that."

She was giddy and could feel her cheeks hurting from how wide she was grinning but riding on a high of hormones and emotions she didn't care if she looked manic right now after what had just happened. She wanted more of that and soon as was evident as she flirted back with a confidence she didn't know she had in her, "Maybe I want to have that kind of effect on you."

"Alright, pornstar, I'm gonna hold you to that," Chloe teased back despite her surprise. Trying to regain some semblance of focus on what they were supposed to be doing right now she turned her attention out the windscreen and putting the truck into gear, "but later, I need to get dinner before my stomach eats itself from the inside."

"Chloe?" Max called out regaining her attention once more. She needed to say one more thing before they moved on from this moment and it became a memory, "I love you too."

The pair smiled softly at each other as Chloe reached out a hand affectionately squeezing Max's arm silently acknowledging that she had needed to hear those words herself too. The wounds that had been opened by the fight had well and truly been healed and the renewed hope of a future together meant they could feel the deeper scars of their time apart fading away too as they set off into town on a fresh adventure.