Chapter 8

"Not again, Merlin, honestly," Gaius opened the door to the room Merlin was staying in with the intention of taking away the dishes which he'd served Merlin's lunch on. But Merlin was fast asleep, clutching a photo of him and Arthur in one hand. And the tray with his cup of juice, mug of tea, bowl of soup and plate of toast was strewn across the floor. Gaius was very glad there wasn't carpet in the room. It was a lot easier to clean up food from hard floorboards than soft, absorbent carpets.

Gaius, a retired doctor and lifelong family friend, had taken Merlin in while his lung infection cleared up. The rest of his friends were run off their feet with their families, work and the ongoing search for Arthur. They'd been back from Ireland for four days with still no word from Arthur. It had been nearly a week since he'd left the hospital and his friends at home had asked everyone they could think of if they'd heard anything. The police had been of no use. Apparently, there was nothing they could do because he'd left of his own accord. Uther was still in battle with them to try and get their help.

Merlin felt useless. Thanks to his illness and Gaius' stubbornness, he was stuck in bed all day. He didn't have a phone, or any access to anything aside from what Gaius told him. His friends didn't come to see him which on one hand was good because it meant they were dedicating their time to finding Arthur but on the other hand meant he had no one to talk to. He couldn't even see Killi or Aithusa because they were still with Morgana.

Which all meant that he was extremely, extremely lonely. The part of him that had been angry with Arthur was long gone. For a few days, he'd been furious that Arthur for leaving him. Then he seemed to be going through the different stages of grief. He just wanted Arthur back so they could talk through everything properly. Merlin had to know what was going on so he could help. The longer Arthur was away from them, the worse his problem, whatever that was, would get.

Merlin kept reaching out a hand to pick up his phone and text Arthur before remembering the multitude of reasons why that was impossible. He felt so many emotions all at once and he feared it would destroy him.

"Why can't you see I need you, Arthur?" he'd mumble every so often, "What part of me without you is ok without you?"

"Merlin?" Gaius returned to the room having cleared up the previous mess and prepared a new batch of food.

Merlin opened his eyes and looked up at the old man.

"You haven't eaten. Again."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," Merlin spluttered and coughed a few times. He tried to sit up but his arms gave out so Gaius helped him so he was sort of half-sitting then gave him the tray of food.

"It's alright."

"It's not alright, Gaius. Everything is falling apart. Completely falling apart. The whole world or at least," he coughed again, "My whole world."

"Sit up properly, Merlin, it's easier on your lungs."

"I don't care about my lungs."

Gaius watched patiently as Merlin shuffled so that he was no longer slouched uncomfortably but sitting, propped up by a huge stack of pillows.

"You can have some more painkillers once you've eaten," Gaius said.

"Why do I feel worse now than when I did in hospital?"

"Because you're not in hospital," Gaius said simply, "And you decided that walking around a busy city then getting on a plane was a good way to go about recovering. And you are under a lot of stress. Eat."

"How long have you known Arthur?"

"Almost as long as I've known you. I worked for Uther in his business for a very long time. Arthur used to stay here too, you know. Just like you did when you were a young boy."

"What was he like?"

"As a child, much like how we know him now. As he started to grow, he became affected by his father's influence and money. Considerably more arrogant, selfish and-"

"Prat-like?"

"I was going to say lonely."

Merlin was about to respond when the phone started ringing downstairs. Gaius excused himself and got up to answer it, leaving Merlin to finish eating.

"Merlin! Do you think you're up to coming downstairs?" Gaius called up, "Your mother's on the phone."

Merlin forced himself to swing his leg over the edge of the bed and reach out for his crutches. It took him a very long time to get out the room and down the stairs to Gaius' living room where he was sitting in an armchair, holding the receiver to his ear.

"Here, Merlin sit down."

Gaius got up and helped Merlin fall into the chair instead before passing him the phone.

"Mum," Merlin managed shakily.

"Oh, Merlin, my darling."

"I'm fine, mum, the infection is clearing up now."

"I know, sweetie, Gaius told me. I didn't call to ask how you were."

"Then why-"

"It's about Arthur."

"Have you found him?"

"No, Merls, I'm sorry. But I need you to know that he called me."

"When?"

"The day he…"

"Left," Merlin supplied.

"Well, yes, I suppose so. Merlin I know what's wrong."

"What?"

"He's scared. And lonely."

"What do you mean?"

"You have the most successful hotel in the country. You all work so hard now but four years ago you spent every hour of the day doing whatever you liked. Arthur misses the attention."

"I don't-"

"Every time you've ever been hurt, he's been the one to help you recover. Whether that be directly or indirectly. It's always been Arthur. Until that ferry crash. He feels isolated and useless and alone."

"Alone," Merlin repeated quietly, his eyes looking up to Gaius slowly, "Just like when he was younger."

"What are you saying, Merlin?"

"Before I started working for him, Arthur felt alone. He's scared everything's going to go back to how it used to be! He genuinely thinks he doesn't have anyone anymore. He literally told me, why didn't I think? We have to find him."

"Merlin, sweetie," Hunith said gently, "What do you mean?"

Merlin calmed himself, "Arthur hates it when we talk about the time before I met him. He hates the man he used to be and the life he used to lead. He cares so much about the relationships he has with everyone. His friends mean more to him than anything because those friends made him a new man. He thinks that without any of us, he'll end up the same as he used to be. He'll end up alone. Mum, he's just like me! Scared of being alone and I let him leave. I let his worst fear win instead of saving him."

"Arthur's not alone, Merlin, you haven't let anything 'win'," Gaius said, "He may not be with you physically but-"

"It doesn't matter about what's true," Merlin said, "It matters what he thinks. And he thinks he's alone. He thinks we don't care. How didn't I notice? How? It's my worst fear too, he basically told me and still-" Merlin descended into a violent and painful coughing fit.

"Sit back," Gaius instructed firmly, "Have some water."

Merlin shook his head and pushed the glass away, "I have to find him, Gaius. Now. Thank you, mum, love you loads," he put the phone down and fell back against the back of the chair, out of breath and exhausted.

"Stay here, Merlin," Gaius said, "I'll get you something for the pain." Merlin was asleep before the old man returned with the painkillers.

Merlin spent all of the next day trying to list places Arthur could have gone. He was starting to feel a lot better, and hadn't had a headache all day, allowing him to think a lot straighter. But there was nothing written down. There was nowhere he could think of. It was like he didn't know Arthur at all.

Uther came to visit him that day too and Merlin explained what he'd realised. "I'm so sorry."

"Merlin, this isn't your fault. How could it be?"

"Because he's helped me thousands of times and now I've failed to help him. I let him down."

"Never, Merlin. Never could you let him down. You've done so much for him. More than anyone could ever say."

"That makes this so much worse. I failed to see something I'm more experienced with than anyone. And it's cost us everything."

"He's going to come back."

"And if he doesn't?"

"We don't need to think about that," Uther said confidently, "He will come back. No matter how alone he feels, he still loves you."

"But according to him, I don't love him. So why would he come back?"

"Because you do love him. Now, how are you?"

"Miserable. Everything hurts. I'm getting better though, so can't complain. It's just not exactly where I want to be."

"Better than a hospital, eh?"

"I guess."

"And Gaius is looking after you?"

"As best he can. I'm not sure I'm the best patient."

"You'll be back to normal in no time. Here, I brought you this," Uther handed Merlin a phone, "One of my old ones. It's not great but it's got everyone's number in it and it's linked to my bank account so if you need to buy anything until you get your credit card sorted, you can use that."

"That's very kind of you."

"It's no problem."

"Is erm- is Arthur's number on it?"

Uther nodded, "The number for the phone he was using temporarily after the wreck."

"Thank you."

"I'll let you get some rest," Uther stood up from the edge of the bed, "I'm staying to talk to Gaius for a while but I'll come up to say goodbye."

Merlin nodded, having no intention of going to sleep just yet. He waited until Uther had left and the door to the bedroom was closed before turning on the phone and scrolling through the contacts list to find Arthur. Then, he pressed 'call'.

Naturally, no one answered, but Merlin had been expecting that so he waited for the obligatory 'beep', then spoke, "Arthur. I need to start off with the thing that's most important to me in the world. I love you. That was never anything but the truth. I wish I could plaster it on every wall and shout it to every person who'll listen. But none of that would mean anything at all if you didn't believe me. You're the only one that matters and I don't know how to make you understand that. I'll do anything to prove it, though. I'll grow my leg back if I have to. I suppose now I could say something cheesy like 'but I don't need two legs because you complete me'. But I know you and if anything, that'll make you stay away for good. So instead, I'll remind you that if you don't come back- come home- you'll never know that special coffee order. You'll never see Killi or Aithusa again. If you don't come for me, come for Morgana, or Uther. Even for the hotel! I just have to know you're safe.

"I know why you don't think I need you. So now I'm going to tell you why you're wrong. If you could see me right now, you'd understand. I'm a mess, Arthur. A crying, lonely, miserable mess. I once told you that you are the only constant in my life. When I think about the future, no matter where we are or what we're doing, it's always 'we'. You and me. Always. I have a ring on my finger from a day where we promised we'd always be together. I didn't make that vow because I just need you to help me get out of bed in the morning or make my breakfast or take me out for a walk. I made it because I need to see your face every day to remain a functioning human being. I need to see you to know that everything will be ok. I don't have that anymore.

"I don't know if you listened to this. If you're as upset as I think you are, I don't think you will have. But you're not here for me to tell you face to face that I'd do literally anything before purposefully hurting you. I love you so, so, so, so much. I'll say it now and I'll say it every second for the rest of my life. I love you, Arthur Pendragon. Please come back so I can say it to you while I hold onto you to never let go. I want to make it all better, Arthur. I'm so sorry. Not to be melodramatic but I genuinely don't think I can live without you. I can't see a future anymore. So I guess, if I don't actually have one, that'll prove I was telling the truth. You were everything I ever fought for. The only thing I'll fight for again.

"You know I hate goodbyes, so I won't say it," Merlin paused, "I love you, Arthur."

He hung up the phone and wiped away the water which was now coating it, courtesy of his freely flowing tears.

Somewhere, a very long way away, someone else did the same then clutched the phone to his chest, "I love you, too, Merlin."

Merlin was sick. So terribly sick that he hadn't moved in days, the only thing Gaius had managed to make him consume was water and even that had been sweated out within seconds, and the entire world was spinning constantly in front of his eyes. It was strange, the physical effect heart-break and sadness could have. It had reduced Merlin, a normally happy, optimistic and- usually- healthy person to a shaking, sobbing and weak shell. It wasn't him at all anymore. His friends were worried. They'd all tried to help but there was nothing they could do. Technically, there was nothing wrong. But then, everything was wrong.

It had been nearly a week and a half since Arthur had left and five days since Merlin had spoken the message for him. There hadn't been a response. And apparently, Merlin had been expecting one because the absence of one was what had seemed to make him so terribly ill.

"Should we call a doctor?" Morgana had asked Gaius when she'd visited one day.

"A broken heart is not something that can be stitched back up in a hospital."

"He's sick, Gaius. Really sick."

"There's nothing medically wrong with him."

"Of course there is!"

"But I fear the only thing that will make him better is Arthur."

"It's not like Merlin to give up like this."

"There's nothing he can do," Gaius said, "He looked for Arthur in Ireland, he's tried calling but didn't get anywhere. What else can he do?"

Morgana sighed, "I'll go and see him."

"I don't suppose the police-"

"Dad's only just managed to convince them to help," Morgana said, "And that's only the police in southern England. If Arthur's still in Ireland, the police are not going to be helpful. We're considering going to the press. Everyone knows Arthur, they love him."

"I'd be careful with something like that," Gaius said, "If Merlin is right, Arthur isn't in a good mental state. He won't want the entire country trying to figure out what's wrong or demanding to know what's going on. He needs the support of his friends."

"Which he can't have unless we find him," Morgana stood up, "I'm going to talk to Merlin."

She went up the stairs and opened to the door to Merlin's room He looked up at her sadly, face pale and blotchy. "Every time someone comes in," he sniffled, "I hope it'll be him."

"It will be," Morgana got into the bed beside him, "Just you wait."

They cuddled up to each other and Merlin said, "How are you? He's your brother."

"And I'm furious with him," Morgana said, "But I have Leon to deal with me when I get upset. And thanks to my idiot brother, you don't have anyone."

"I do, though," Merlin croaked, "I have every single one of you."

"But the only one who can help is Arthur," Morgana said, "I know."

Merlin groaned and leant back against the headboard, closing his eyes against his swirling vision, "Is this what it'll be like forever?" he mumbled sadly.

"No. You won't be waiting forever. He'll be back so soon this will have seemed like a second."

"I feel so bad," Merlin said, "I didn't notice at all and it got this bad. So bad he didn't feel like he could stay and talk to me."

"You couldn't have known."

"Of course I could. I'm terrified of being left alone. And now, not only am I alone, but Arthur is too. And that's worse. The thought of him not having anyone makes me-"

"Sick?" Morgana guessed, "I've noticed."

Merlin smiled half-heartedly.

"You're not the only one to blame," Morgana said, "We all played a part. Including him. I promise, Merlin, we will find him and we'll give him all the love he deserves and we'll never stop."

They were silent for a few minutes, thinking deeply. Well, Morgana was thinking. Merlin was having trouble focusing on anything. His head was pounding and his heart was aching in desperation for Arthur.

"Oh, Merlin," Morgana said quietly, "Look at you. What's he done? If this is what he thinks you not needing him looks like. He really must be insane."

"Arthur," was all Merlin managed in response, eyes still squeezed shut.

"I know, squid. I know."

"He's- he-"

"Shh," Morgana soothed, "I'm going to get you some water, ok? You're boiling."

She quickly went downstairs to get a glass of water, then to the bathroom where she picked up a facecloth and dampened it so it was cool. Then, she went back into Gaius' spare room and sat on the side of the bed, this time. Merlin hadn't moved since she'd left. Presuming he might have fallen asleep, Morgana gently pressed the cloth to his forehead. Merlin moaned softly.

"Does that feel better?" Morgana asked.

Merlin nodded, "Will you do me a favour?"

"Of course. What is it?"

"Will you come out with me for a walk?"

"Are you sure you're strong enough?"

"Probably not. But I want some fresh air. It stinks of sweat in here and it's so hot I might as well be in a spa."

"Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but-"

Merlin laughed dryly.

"Do you have a wheelchair?"

"Only crutches."

"So we can't go far," Morgana said.

"I know."

"I have an idea," Morgana said, "You stay here and get a bit more rest, while I nip home and get the dogs. We can take them with us, too."

Merlin smiled.

"Ok. I'll be about half an hour," Morgana kissed him on the forehead, "There's some water for you there if you're thirsty. Get some sleep."