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Bella
I can't stay here any longer.
I can't be around them another second. The pity on their faces. The sympathetic words. It is all making me feel nauseous.
Jasper claimed to understand, but did he? I think back through the last few hours, the words he'd said. Although he had seemed genuine, I couldn't help doubting him. He could have so easily been lying.
Really, how could someone as put together as a Cullen have come from such a horrific background?
When you live as a rat, you always hear the dreams. The fantasy stories of the lucky beings who get redemption and transform their lives. The slave who becomes the prince. That isn't real though. In reality, once you are in the gutter, you stay there.
But his words had felt so genuine. Not just his story but the way he had so accurately depicted my life.
He probably learnt it from a textbook, a little voice in the back of my head says.
It's right. No matter how much I want to believe that he is here for me, here to help, he just can't be. None of them are. I shouldn't be even entertaining the thought. They are staying purely out of guilt.
It was a solid explanation, one which I allowed to fill me and overtake any of my longing. I couldn't allow myself to hope that something good can come out of this. I learnt a long time ago that life doesn't work that way.
I've been dealt my cards, and they utterly suck.
Why hadn't Edward just drained me that first day of school? Why did he have to use me to prove himself? Was his ego in need of such a boost that he had to be the elite of his family for avoiding his singer where everyone else had failed?
Self-obsessed prat.
Now that I think of it, all vampires are self-obsessed. I think back over some of our past interactions in new light. The endless shopping trips. The dinners. Everything we did together that made them feel human. Everything just for their benefit only to throw me to the wayside when they'd gotten bored.
Well, I had been rid of them. I can't believe their back. At 18 I longed to see them again. At 19 I would have found a way to accept them. Now though, you've lost their chance. They can't come sweeping in, fix up the broken human and use me to again make themselves feel better.
I'm not having it.
There must be a way to salvage this situation, something I can do.
Running won't work, that's fairly obvious. Between their speed and scent, I'd be lucky to make it out of the apartment. No, that's out of the question unless by some sheer miracle they decide to leave me alone.
Maybe I could go out somewhere with them and give them the slip, it worked well enough when we were running from James. There is a chance it could work again.
Then I realise there isn't much point. Where would I run? I've no where to go. I can't stay on the streets around here, not after that stunt I pulled. I don't even know why I did that; I was desperate. I needed to get away from him. I hadn't even realised what I did until it was too late.
No, it's not safe on the streets for me, not anymore. Something else that pompous dick has taken from me. Life is hard enough without them taking the little I had left.
If I can get out of the area fast enough, maybe they won't be able to find me. I could always start again somewhere. I've done it before.
Where would I go though? I'd need to get far enough for them not to find me, and to do that I'd need transport.
Would they even look for me? Maybe they'd realise that I am such a lost cause they'll just go back home brushing me off as a failed attempt. Would make a great party story later in life. "Remember that broken girl, Bella wasn't it, ye, wonder if she's dead yet."
This planning is becoming too much. I need to focus on the immediate problem first. I need to get away from them.
It's been made fairly clear they aren't leaving until I am "better". I hate that word, absolutely hate it. Nothing wrong with me, just hardened by life. Besides, even if there was something fixable, it would be none of their god damn business.
They're looking for the old Bella. The meek, pushover, innocent Bella who swoons whenever they grace her with even a glance. They want that back.
When they get it will they go? Will they finally have eased their guilt enough to leave me the hell alone?
It's decided. I need to fake it. I need to somehow show them that they aren't needed here. It'll be easy, right? Especially given they don't really give a damn. Once they have backed off enough, I can slip away and work out what to do next.
I hear a knock on the door. It must be Emmett back again to bore me with more stories and tall tales. Everyone says Edward was turned too early, but I'm convinced that bear did something to Emmett's brain which even Venom couldn't fix.
"Hey Emmett," Alice speaks. Thankfully she's talking humans, it has really been getting on my nerves the nearly inaudible hiss. Don't they know it's rude? "She's through there."
I look around me, taking note of the room. I've curled myself up on the bed in the protective way I have taken such a liking to. Any minute now, my peace and privacy is going to be interrupted by that man child.
Why can't they just leave me alone?! Isn't my life sucky enough without having to deal with supernatural insecurities.
As expected, there is a quiet knock on my door, and it opens to reveal Emmett's face. I throw him a dirty look, making him instantly aware of my displeasure, but it doesn't have the desired effect. Instead of making him leave, it makes his face break out in the biggest grin.
"Hey Bella!" he beams at me.
I don't reply, instead choosing to scowl at him and turn my back. I didn't need to deal with him.
Unfortunately, it didn't get rid of him though his shoulder did slump slightly.
He sits on the edge of the bed, unable to sit on his usual chair due to the fact I'd smashed it. I don't like him so close and I wish he would just leave me alone.
When you're on the streets, everything is up for grabs. Even those you trust will take what they can out of desperation. It isn't safe to have people near you and after so long, it has become part of who I am.
"Alice dragged Jasper out to hunt, so it's just us here," he tells me. Only now do I realise that Jasper hasn't left me. He had spent so much time with me forgoing his own needs. Those aren't the actions of someone acting purely out of guilt, maybe he does –. I cut myself off. None of them care, don't food yourself into thinking otherwise.
"Anyway, I wanted you to know. So, if you want to talk about anything there's no listening ears around. Well, except mine." He laughs at his own joke.
If he thinks that I'm just going to open up to him, he is much mistaken. It soon becomes clear by the long and, on his part, incredibly challenging silence that he thought I would.
He manages to last a whole three minutes before he cannot sit still and silent any longer. As I said, man child. He starts rambling on about something or other. I don't listen, instead allowing my mind to fade into the black space I have been escaping into.
It's nice here. There aren't any worries, I don't have to think about it. It's just blissful oblivion. Time, feelings, thoughts, pain, they all fade into nothingness. However unhealthy some may see it, it's a coping strategy. When life throws you shit, you've got to find some way to carry on, and life has no right to judge the way I chose to do it.
Of course, I subconsciously remain aware of my surroundings, it would be foolish not to, but it is so nice to have an escape from the world.
I start. Someone touched me.
Flinging myself away from the cold hand and crouching defensively I survey the situation. I don't see any danger, only an oaf of a man looking incredibly dumb struck.
"I'm so sorry Bella, I didn't mean to frighten you," Emmett rambles. "You weren't responding, I asked you a question and nothing happened. I was worried and didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. What can I do?"
"Shut up!" I snarl at him, exasperated with his nonsense words.
His mouth closes and he looks at me like a kicked puppy. Damn, sensitive much! I suddenly wished Jasper was back, it had been a fantastic release to yell and scream at him. An oh so satisfying to release all my pent-up frustrations. I couldn't do that to Emmett though, not with that look, besides, I didn't want to have to comfort a delicate vampire having a breakdown.
Then I remember my decision from earlier.
This situation could work to my advantage. Emmett is so gullible he'd probably believe anything! What a fantastic way to start my mission.
"Sorry," I say quietly, choosing to look down abashed. "Just, you know…"
"It's alright Bells, it was my fault anyway." He's buying it! "Are you okay?"
I stand up slowly, using the side of the bed to help me. If I appear weaker than I am, I can falsely build myself up so they think everything is going better than it is. Yes, great idea Bella!
"Ye, I think so. You just startled me." I remember what he had said during his ramble. "Sorry, what did I miss?"
As I sit back on the bed, he sends me that sickly pity look, the same one people give dying old people. Erugh! I could not wait to be rid of them once again.
"I asked if you wanted something to eat. It's getting late."
I look over at the clock with is miraculously still hanging on the wall above the door. Realising how late it in fact is, I check the window to see if the clock is right, maybe it had been set wrong. Nope, it is this late!
Time doesn't mean much to me anymore other than day is warm, and night is cold. My body had long ago given up on feeling hunger or lethargy at the correct times of day. I was fortunate that I'd stopped feeling most of the hunger pains early on. Some people never adapted to life without food.
I think for a moment. I defiantly don't feel hungry and I don't really have an appetite either. Can I eat something?
Realising I need to eat to prove to them that I am in fact "better", I sigh. "I'll try." Once again, I'm acting feeble so that I don't have to make any genuine "improvement", not that I need improvement. I've adapted to my environment and I sure as hell am not going to undo that hard work for the sake of them.
At my words, Emmett's face lights up like a child's on Christmas morning. God, he is really starting to do my head in. "What do you want? We have loads of stuff in. Alice and I have been shopping loads. Do you know they have all these fancy foods in now and everything is wrapped in plastic? In my day everything was so bland and simple. The colours are fantastic. Do you have a fav…" I tune him out again. Scrap starting, he is doing my head in.
"Umm, just make whatever, or I can do it I suppose. I just want a moment."
Once again playing the subdued human, I stumble over to the bathroom and close the door. Breathing a sigh of relief, I sit on the closed toilet seat lid and put my face in my hands. People, if you can call them people, are hard work.
Somehow, thinking of the bustle of life and people sparks a memory. It's nothing specific, more of a feeling really, but it's one that I've worked hard to bury. Belonging.
Imaged flash through my mind. The pack grouped around the bonfire. The awkward but loving nights watching games with Charlie.
I feel myself starting to panic. The images are rushing at me faster, taunting me, reminding me what a failure I've become. I want them to leave me alone.
The hairbrained schemes my mum dragged me into. Jacob's look of delight when I accepted his marriage proposal.
Make them stop! I don't know if I've said it out loud, but I can't bring myself to care either.
Waking up after my first night of intimacy. My daughters face that first time I looked at her.
The walls are closing in. Someone has sucked all of the air from the room. I can't think straight.
Why is my head doing this to me?! I don't want to remember. It can't remember. Stop, stop, stop.
It doesn't stop, no matter how much I plead.
The images change, they become darker.
Jacob admitting the imprint to me. My first nights on the street. Edward leaving me in the forest.
I deserved it. I know I did. No one just has this much bad luck for no reason. I've never been spiritual, but on many occasions, I have wondered what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve this.
Victoria's evil glint when she found me. The final kiss goodbye with my unnamed child.
I've always regretted that. At the time I couldn't allow myself to form that sort of attachment with her, I couldn't make my departure even more difficult. Besides, she isn't mine any longer, her parents should have the right to name her.
My head started to picture a young girl the spitting image of me running around and playing. Going to school. Roasting marshmallows. Swimming in the ocean. I'd never see her grow up.
In the time I've been gone, it isn't rare for me to regret my decision in moments of weakness. I'd long to hold her in my arms. I'd long for someone who loves me, wants me, needs me.
Somewhere, a long distance away, there's a banging on the door. Someone is shouting to me, but I can't make out what they're saying.
My body is trembling so hard I crash to the floor. I try to suck in air but there is nothing there. The world is starting to swim before my eyes and my head is starting to spin. I need to breath.
I drag my fingers along the ground, trying to maneuver myself into a protective ball. My arms wrap around myself tightly, as though I am trying to squeeze all my broken pieces back together.
In my head, people start screaming at me.
"She's better off without you."
"Why couldn't Victoria deal with you properly."
"You were just a pet."
"I died because of you."
"We partied when you left."
I recognise all of their voices. They ring through my head joining my own self-destructive thoughts.
My nails claw at my head, as though scratching the voices away will work. It doesn't.
I scream.
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