Chapter 15 Meet Crazy Earl…'s Front Door

"Oooh ooh me! I want to do it!"

"No me! Let me do it!"

"Jaack! Jack pick mee!"

I'm not going to clarify who said what, because honestly I don't know. The details were just lost in a sea of childish and irrational whining, that made me feel ashamed to be part of the human race. Seriously, Brick shoved Claptrap onto the ground in a violent display of dominance.

What if he did that to someone that mattered?!

This needs to be stopped. "Okay, guys. Guys? Guys!" I had to actually shout for them to hear me. Seriously, the next time I need a ragtag team of badasses to help me with a heist, or save a planet, or whatever, I'm using a better screening process than 'the game told me so'. "That's enough."

Of all the immature crap! It's not like it's even them blowing shit up! It's a button. I mean, sure, it's a button connected to enough demolition to blow up an entire wall, but still… well now that I've thought it over, I kind of want to blow it up myself. It does seem pretty cool.

So, I did.

KaBOOM!

Well, something like that. It's a little hard to capture what an explosion sounds like on paper. Try to imagine, the sound of debris flying throughout the air as a roar of fire rocked the world around you. I was right though, it was pretty cool.

Almost wish I could do it again…

Okay! Moving along before my inner arsonist/demolitionist/terroristic personality flaws start coming out. What did we need to do, again? Talk to an old hermit, something about him being my only hope? Wait, wasn't that Star Wars?

Nope! I remember, I need the Vault Key fragment from the creepy, deranged and probably extremely elderly man that lives alone in a junkyard. Totally original storyline. Any parallels are probably just a coinkydink.

"Mr. Jack!" Claptrap whined, rolling over so he could attempt to pout at me without any lips. Or eyes. No face, in general, not really sure what he's going for here. Droids are weird.

Hey, wait a minute, how'd he get off the ground?! Oh. My. God. He's learning. I thought this day would never come. Should I be proud? Thrilled? Terrified of the robot revolution? Pssh, nah. This… this is probably a fluke. "What?" I asked, saving that particular crisis for another day.

"I wanted to do that!" The little robot whined. Hmmm, violent, adaptable, unassuming… If Claptraps weren't so incompetent they probably would be the ultimate killers. I'm putting my paranoia on mild alert.

"Well, children." I addressed the group as a whole because I call it like I see it. "If you can't get along then I'm going to start taking away your toys and privileges." There. That feels like an appropriate dad punishment. To be honest though, I'm just guessing. I never had to punish Angel. That girl really lives up to her name. And in more than just the wings thing.

There was some muttering, and a few groans of disapproval from my employees. But I'm the guy that signs their checks, so they did accept it. By 'accept' I mean they don't shout at my face, but they're probably gonna whisper horrible things about me behind my back. Like regular employees.

"Sir." Roland directed at me. Which, why? Since when am I a sir? I'm a bro, I'm a fun guy, the cool boss that everybody wants (when they're not acting like preschoolers). That's just Roland, though. Poor, military backgrounded, probably (definitely) brainwashed Roland.

"Yeah?"

"I can see Earl's… shack. Can we proceed?" That's his way of asking 'can we go already?!' But he raises a good point. Time's a wastin, and I don't want to wait two hundred years via untested cryo-refrigeration.

"Sure, why not." Let's not keep the crazy old guy waiting. I'm not forgetting anything, am I? Oh, yeah. "Hey, nobody say anything about that wall. Might make a bad impression." Not that I really care about the opinion of a nutjob, but I still need the fragment, so I'll be playing the 'nice guy'. At least, for the time being.

It wasn't a long walk. It wasn't a walk at all for those of us that didn't have feet. But for once, we spent it in blissful silence. So of course, Brick had to pound on the old man's door after I literally just told him not to make a bad impression.

I know these guys don't have bad hearing, I've seen their medical records. Ahem. Allegedly. So maybe, it's me. Like, maybe my voice is just so charming, that they can't help but get lost in it. Nothing in life could ever prepare me for being so sexy. Truly, a blessing and a curse.

"Get back, your sons of bitches!" Crazy Earl screamed from behind the door. I couldn't tell if he was furious or terrified. "I'm warning you, I'm armed! I've got two shotguns, six grenades, and four forks all locked and loaded!"

Yup. This is the guy. "Calm down, old timer." I leaned against the shack, rolling my eyes to my companions. "We're not here to kill or rob you-"

"You gonna try to eat me?!"

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my mask's nose in frustration. "No. We're not cannibals." I paused, glancing suspiciously at Brick, who thankfully remained unaware. "Besides, we ate before we left."

He seemed to quiet down, for a second. Next, all I heard from him was the sound of a bunch of metal shifting, before a latch on the door dropped open. Allowing me to get a look at the ugliest person I have ever met. "Whatchu want?"

For you to put the latch back up. "Tannis said she left you the Vault Key fragment, long story short, we need it back."

"She also wants her panties back." Lilith chimed in. I looked back at her curiously for a second and received a shrug. "What? She wanted us to ask?"

"Never!" Crazy Earl refused… and didn't elaborate.

"Uhh, did you mean the panties or the Vault Key fragment?" I didn't care so much about the former. That would have been kind of awkward to take anyway, I really need that fragment though.

"Both!" You asshole! Okay, fine then, no more mister nice guy.

I crack my knuckles, then my neck, and unleash my greatest weapon at the old man who just wanted to be left alone. "Alrighty, then… Brick! Go punch his house!"

"What/What?!" Everyone else, including Earl asked in confusion at such a strange command.

"Okay!" Except for Brick. He just smiled and started hitting the hastily made aluminum crate shack to the point I was worried he might get bruises. Instead, he left dents. Huh. Competent and willing to obey all of my orders. Since when has mankind started beating machines in the race for labor utility?

"Hey, cut that out! You'll knock my posters down!" Earl demanded worriedly. I shudder to think of what a man like that considers worth hanging up. But at least I'm getting somewhere.

"Give me the Vault Key!" I shout back.

"And Tannis's panties!" Lilith added.

"Right but focus on the Key!" I countered. Turning back to face Lilith fully, I raised a masked eyebrow. "Seriously, what is your deal with those panties? Don't tell me you're running low."

I'm working under enough tension as it is. I don't need any more. No matter what kind of tension it is. If you catch my drift. Lilith thankfully rolled her eyes. "Honestly, it just feels creepy to let him keep them."

Fair. "Whatever." Turning back to the house, I cup my hands and shout even louder. "Hey, you creepy old jackass! I am seriously losing my patience. Either cough them up, or I'm going to bring our Technical around and blow the rest of your 'house' back to the junkyard. It's your choice, pal."

"Fine, just go already!" The door slit opened back up, and I was hit in the face with a pair of purple panties.

This was not as kinky as you might imagine.

One: because I've met the woman they've belonged to, and I've Iearned a long time ago not to stick your dick in crazy. Two: they were just flung at me by an elderly Pandoran, the unsexiest being there is. And three: I want my Vault Key. Not all that relevant, I know, but it's literally the only thing I can think of right now. Gimme!

Picking the old, used panties off of me with my two least favorite fingers, I tossed it away from me over my shoulder, and knocked back on the door. "Okay, that's one thing taken care of. Now where's the fragment?"

"I lost it."

He… what?

No. No! Do not give me that bullshit! I came all this way, killed so many people! I had to talk to a Claptrap more than once and still had to let it live! Life cannot be this unfair. I refuse to believe it. This is not happening. You hear me?! This. Is. Not. Happening!

AHHHH!

Ignoring, or unaware of my internal panic attack, Brick knocked back on the house made from a shipping container. No joke, no hyperbole. Just very lazy construction. "Where did you lose it?"

"Okay, well I didn't really lose it." Oh, thank God! I can already feel my heart rate going back down. All's right with the world... I should really take some stress management classes. I don't want to be the guy who survived bandits, mercenaries, and monsters, only to be killed by a heart attack. That's such a meh way to go, especially for a guy like me. "I just don't know where it is."

WHAT?!

What the hell do you think 'lost' means?!

"Either you know where it is, or you don't!" I yell at the shack, giving it a small kick that I almost immediately regret because it really stubbed my toe. "So, do you?!"

"Kinda."

Kinda? Kinda! What does that even mean?

"I know where it is." Thank you! "I just don't know where it is specifically." Oh, come on! Fine! Fine, I can work with this.

"Okay." I calmed down. Breathe deep through the nose… and out. "So, where do you think it is?"

"Somewhere in my junkyard." He answered casually, completely oblivious to how close I came to killing him. "Don't know where, though. I just toss all my crap back there."

Crap? This thing is literally worth a fortune. Friggin' hillbillies in space, just a bunch of backwater little- No! No, easy. I got what I want. It's time to go. Maturely. "Thanks, have a nice day."

"Get lost!" And the flap shut back down.

Everything is fine, I am calm. If I just keep repeating that to myself, I may actually start to believe it. Now, then, how the hell am I gonna find that Vault Key…

…

Fate certainly had it out for him.

He wasn't sure what he did to offend it, but it was awful sore with him. Maybe he owed it money or cut it off in traffic once. Probably not, but those were some of the only things that made him mad. At least, mad enough to wreak an undeserved vengeance against the being who crossed him.

Whatever he did, it must have been something really bad. It's hard to put his (kind of) finger on what, he's made more than a few mistakes over the years. But he guessed it didn't really matter. Hard to focus on why he's had it rough when it's still rough.

So far, he's been shot, abandoned, and exiled. That was just this week.

Maybe it's not fate. Maybe it's God? Does God hate Claptraps? It would certainly explain a lot.

At least his luck's been turning around. Finally! He even made a few friends, and dare he say it, a best friend! That Mister Jack sure is a swell guy, a genius, philanthropist, and a personal savior to this Claptrap more times than he can count!

Seriously! Without Jack, Claptrap might've died in Fyrestone, or killed by bandits, or Skags, or worse. He'd shiver if he had a spine. Or the ability to feel any kind of physical sensation other than pain.

Come to think of it, why was that the factory default?

Seems like a design flaw if you ask him. In fact, if anyone ever does ask him, he'll definitely mention it. Probably. Unless he forgot. What was he thinking about, again? Oh, right! Yessir, the world would be a much better place if it was run by Claptraps. Like him!

Besides, what bright ideas have humans had anyways? Electricity? Teleportation? Interplanetary travel? Pssh, yeah right. Well, it's kind of cool, but how good are they at dancing or beatboxing, you know, the important things.

What are they even talking about? Not that he wasn't paying attention, but he had absolutely no clue what was going on.

"Okay, Angel…" Jack started, before at least in Claptrap's mind, his voice started to trail off. Angel? Is Jack religious? Claptrap wouldn't have pegged him for the sort. Not that he judged. Nope! Claptraps are tolerant of all beliefs, just like Robo-Jesus taught them.

Oh, crud. Mister Jack's still talking! Quickly, inbuilt devices designed to work similarly to ears! LISTEN!

"... And Tannis can confirm this, right? You guys checked in with each other?" Jack seemed to continue. Tannis? What did she have to do with this? She's only one of the greatest scientific minds living on Pandora, with a particular fascination for the Vaults, that both Dahl and Atlas seem to be after. What possible contribution could she have?

Well, it's a mystery.

"Yes, Jack." Responded a frighteningly familiar, feminine voice. "Your… assistant's findings have been most fruitful. Your echo should not be calibrated to locate any signature similar to the fragment you've delivered to me. With it, any Vault Key will stand out more than a lamppost among cactuses."

Wow, that was so… dumb. For a genius, that was a pretty stupid analogy.

Jack seemed inclined to agree, but he kept the snark out of his tone, as he diplomatically replied. "Great, sounds good. I'll let you know what I find."

"There is no need. I will simply hack into your echo device, later. When I wish to observe your progress. Or view your browsing history. Either will be sufficiently entertaining." Tannis 'assured' the hero of Claptrap.

Jack visibly grit his teeth as he made his reply. "Okay, then. We can chat more about that later. In the meantime, I'll be dumpster diving." Dumpster, what now?

"Uhh, what's this about dumpsters? Those are ah, kind of a phobia of mine, sooo…."

Jack didn't seem to hear him, as fiddled a little with his Echo. "And Angel, could you-"

"Already taken care of. Your echo should be secure." Interrupted a much prettier voice. Hubba Hubba!

"Thanks." Jack sighed in relief. "You're a lifesaver, sweetie."

"With the trouble you manage to get in, I'm surprised you don't have more on speed dial." Angel quipped. "But please, be careful. There's no telling what kind of dangers you may encounter through the scrapyard."

"Oh, what?" Jack asked sarcastically. "Think we'll find a Toyota gone haywire? Maybe a few self-aware box-televisions? Oh, I know! An army of Claptraps, waiting to assemble into one colossus, equally pointless mech… okay, that last one was pretty dumb, but you never know."

Claptrap disagreed. An army of him sounded awesome! Especially the whole mech idea. He would write it down if he… had fingers. Curse these clamp hands!

"It's Pandora." The pretty sounding lady said, as if that was the only defense needed. Which was fair because she was absolutely right.

Jack shrugged. "Good point. We'll be on guard."

"Good. Don't wait too long to contact me."

"Copy that, kiddo." Jack said his goodbyes. He wasn't that great at saying goodbye. "Okay, then. Everybody catch that?"

Claptrap felt awkward, especially because he seemed to be the only one with no idea about what was going on, but he raised his clamp hand anyway. "Uhh, I'm still not sure what's happening, so, if someone could maybe give me the cliff notes, or just let follow them around-"

"Everyone's fine. Great. Let's get moving people." Jack didn't seem to hear him. Should he shout? Claptrap does enjoy making a scene.

He was about to start when Jack pointed at him. "Claptrap, I want you to stay in the car."

Gasp! A special mission just for him?! Yes, please! "You can count on me, Mr. Jack!"

Jack seemed to struggle to find the right inspirational words to motivate them, before eventually he just nodded. "Just stay there."

"Can do!"

Jack started to turn but paused as he added one last caveat before he left. "And don't drive it."

"Aww…"

…

I know, I just know I'm going to regret leaving him by himself.

It's not even like watching a kid! It's sort of like having to check in on the oven every couple of minutes. Because if you miss something, anything, you're definitely going to burn something. How bad that something gets is entirely dependent on how long it takes you to react.

Then again, most ovens have timers for things like that. Claptrap on the other hand, does not. Well, at least not the whole metaphorical 'countdown to destruction' kind. I mean, he probably does have a timer built into him. Wouldn't surprise me. I've seen some people use those guys as cup holders.

But I digress, I need to focus on something that actually matters… and hopefully this will all be done before my mechanical/maniacal machine can get into too much trouble.

"So, Jack." Lilith started, giving me a skeptical look. "Do you think it'll work?"

The 'it' in question, no doubt referring to the makeshift tracer that Tannis and Angel designed.

And frankly, I have no idea if it'll do anything. I'm pretty sure it will, the inventors have a bit of a knack for Vaults and crazy sci fi devices. Again though, I wouldn't really know. I'm a coder. That's where my area of expertise lies, not all this semi-star wars gunk.

Mind you, I dabbled. I did co-create teleportation.

If I'm being honest though, that was mostly Angel, with just a tad bit of refining from yours truly. She's kind of like a confident Morty with the mind of a Rick. Whereas I have the devil may care attitude, sense of style, and slightly lower intelligence of a Rick.

If you don't get that reference, shame on you. Put a book down! Go watch TV!

"Jack?" Lilith questioned after a beat.

Oh, shit. Did I zone out again? I should start seeing someone about this stuff… eventually. "Let's find out."

A couple of boring calibrations here, a few flip switches there, and voila! One short range, Vault Key seeker at the ready.

And I've already got a heading! This is great! There's only two more pieces to collect, I'm closing in on the second, and hopefully with a bit more tinkering later I can track down the third. Best of all, we still have plenty of time before the Vault's ready to open!

I hope I'm not jinxing myself here, but I've got a really good feeling about this…

I definitely just jinxed myself, didn't I?

Fuck.

…

Fuck indeed, Jack. This chapter probably feels like a fuck you to all the fans back at home too, huh? Well, I definitely intended for them to find the second piece in this chapter, but then I wrote.

And wrote. And wrote too much. So now there's no time to add it in and post this chapter today. At least, not in a way that'll feel satisfying to read or write. So, we'll rain check that part.

Does two more weeks sound okay?

That was rhetorical, of course it is. Oh! Also, I may be posting another self-insert, this time for Star Wars. Updates to that will be largely sporadic until I can figure out if anyone likes it, and how much.

But for now, Reviews!

Tamagat: Yes, he's like Batman and has his own utility belt. It just happens that he rarely has a chance to use them.

Dlmauircio19: Won't lie, I'm a little disappointed she had no votes. Even Ellie had a vote…

Adam110902: Great review

Abdur Rauf Aymann: Well, thank you! I would still absolutely recommend playing the game, or barring that, watching the cutscenes on YouTube. With that said, I'm genuinely flattered. Hope you enjoy today's chapter!

Baron sanmdi: It does feel pretty in character for her. She has kind of an unhealthy attachment to objects. Like me! Except I don't give them names and treat them more like tools than people… Wow. Did that make me sound like a bad person?

Abbadon44: He'll remember Tannis telling him there are only three. But given this is a self-insert, and memory can get a little shotty, he only has word to go on. More may come up about that later, but you'll have to read to see where that goes…

SilverstormXD: Yup, sadly he made it as an employee and not an entrepreneur. And while it was very impressive, it's more like, 'what have you done for me, lately?'. You know?

Mistersnx: Ah. That would probably explain why I have like seventy more followers than I did a week ago. Well, thank you Webnovel. And you, for reviewing.

Kankup70: I know the interactions can be a little… rusty. I'm working on it. Still kind of new to writing. I hope they're in an acceptable margin of error. Jack's certainly bound to make mistakes, but they'll be his own, and they'll certainly have less wrong reaching consequences than his 'predecessor'.

Jericelona: Well, you just called it shit. But you also called it nice. Sooo thanks? Just kidding, I know what you meant. Will do. At least, until someone tries to do it better. Successfully.

Hainz Leonard Kim: Thank you, I try.

BohemianRhaspody: Brick's a miracle/freak of nature. Shocker.

And about Tannis being Tannis, yikes. Jack has his work cut out for him. Third party mediators may be required.

Also, my profile pic is a fictional character from a movie I only vaguely recall. I think it was about a high school for super powered teenagers. I don't remember what it was called, or the characters in it. This has kind of been sitting in my gallery for a while now. And since I've been having some trouble using Fanfiction on the mobile site, I started using the app a lot more. Added some new details to my profile. Except the bio.

And with reviews done, I think I can call it for now. See you all in two weeks, and please feel free to Follow, Favorite, and Review! (Specifically Follow, we're already in third place, and this is so close to being the most followed!)