Hope you all like this long chapter, I would be so grateful if you would comment or review this chapter, its the longest chapter going but I thought that this chapter needed the depth and couldn't be any shorter as it would take away from the story xxx

Seven

"...I was PREGNANT! …" She screamed.

...

"What?!" Jay sat there confused at her revelation to him, that when she was last in Chicago she had been pregnant, but not only that she had been pregnant with his child.

Silence had prevailed over the two of them, as Erin had told him screaming out her life's secret out to her old boyfriend, to the love of her life, she had longed to be with 'one day' but when they had their 'one day' it had never truly worked, while he sat stunned by the news and he was trying to comprehend I his mind what it meant for the words she had screamed with such effort at him. Seconds turned into minutes, while Jay was just sitting there thinking trying to comprehend, while a quarter of an hour passed when Jay just sat there trying to process the news that she had blurted out.

"It wasn't from being hit by a bomb that changed me, Jay, it was us, because when I left I didn't know I was pregnant…" Erin spoke, before she stood, rolled her top-down and grabbed her glass of wine from the kitchen and returned to her seat, calming her nerves for telling a story she had never told to anyone on the planet, it was a secret she wished she could have taken to the grave. Jay sat in shock at the old love of his life telling him that she was pregnant with his child, the day that she left, the day he last saw her, she was having their baby.

"Are you going to speak… Jay?" Erin asked.

"Yeah, yeah, just give me a minute," Jay said as he stood up and walked over to the kitchen where Erin had left an opened bottle of wine and an extra glass out, he poured himself a glass, and proceeded to drink the alcohol straight down

He put the glass down, he rubbed his hands over his face while standing it the island in, hundreds of questions ran through his head, he couldn't comprehend any of it, he wanted to run away and just breathe away from her for a moment. "Can I just get a minute to think?" Jay asked.

"Yeah, I'll be on the balcony," Erin answered, as she raised the blinds and unlocked the balcony doors to reveal her large wooden decked balcony with room for deck chairs and a table, with a baroque and minibar.

After 10 minutes had passed and Jay opened the door, and walked out towards Erin and sat down on the deck chair next to her. "Why isn't there a baby now then, is that what happened, to change you, this… that baby? Did you..." Jay questioned, with a sort of frown on his face as he was still trying to comprehend that she had told him that when she left she was having his child, their child.

"I didn't have an abortion if you were thinking that. I wouldn't do that Jay, I would have told you." Erin spoke as if she heard some sort of hatred in his voice about what happened, as she thought his distaste of asking whether he would even ask that question.

"No, I didn't think that I don't know what I think, you just told me that you were pregnant with our child. And even if you did that was your choice, I would have liked to have known if you had but it is your body." Jay defended himself.

"Sorry…" She apologised as she walked back into her home and as he followed she locked the outdoor doors again, started to get down on the sofa again, now that Jay was ready to talk to her.

"I get why you got defensive, I should have just asked what I meant," Jay spoke as he sat down on the opposite end of the couch to his past girlfriend.

"What did you mean?" Erin spoke, still defending herself from what she assumed Jay was going to say.

"Did you… was it…" Jay stumbled trying to ask but he couldn't bring himself to ask.

"I had a miscarriage, there I said it…" Erin sputtered out of her mouth as she burst into tears while whimpering softly.

Jay heard "I had a miscarriage..." From that moment his heart was breaking not so much for himself at that moment but the fact she had gone through this unimaginable pain alone, in a foreign place, and without the person, she should have had by her side, him. He just felt guilty for complaining that she left without a goodbye and never called after, but he thought why would she want to call, she had lost everything in her life, he job, her career in the police force, her relationship with him, and the final last straw between Chicago and New York, her baby, their baby.

"You were pregnant," Jay asked a sort of question to her, that he had already known the answer to.

"Yes, I was," Erin uttered with tears forming in her eyes rolling down her face like liquid silver dripping from her fiery eyes.

He whispered as she talked, explaining everything about her beginning in New York, "We could have had a baby."

"Jay, don't talk like that, please don't" Erin begged as she was breaking down inside.

Jay grabbed Erin by the arms gently and pulled her toward him and gave her a quick hug, he consoled her, and he apologised for his choice of words, making it more difficult to tell him how it had happened, she realised when she was talking to Jay that she hadn't moved past any of it, she had merely put it to the back of her head and tried to forget but in doing that she had too grieved over the future she was supposed to have, at that moment she should have been a mother with a 3 and half year old child, daughter or son, a mini her or a mini Jay, but she had just returned to work as if nothing had happened, and anyone had thought nothing had happened too because she never told anyone and the only person who did know was her partner, Gracie. She had thrown away everything to do with Jay, the baby and her past love life with him in Chicago except for one item that did remind her.

"Can I ask what happened?" Jay asked, trying to be as sensitive as he could.

"It wasn't from the bomb blast, I got time off from the bureau because a shard of the bomb gashed a deep cut into the side of my thigh. So I couldn't exactly go undercover on crutches so I was sidelined for a bit, I had to do physiotherapy because my doctor had told me that it would get me back on the job quickly so I complied but then I found out I was pregnant, it came up on my blood test results that my doctor did on a check-up, to check if I had an infection, I booked flights and a hotel," As Erin continued tearing up as she was trying to explain in-depth she could only go too before mentally breaking down in front of him.

"It's okay…" Jay said as he held her in his arms as she cried into his shoulder, he rubbed her back as she tried to continue talking, she tried multiple times before she gave up, sinking deeper into his arms and his body, where he just held her tight with no cries, no tears and no noise sounded for over 10 minutes they had just sat there until she had calmed in his arms, she still felt all of the pain she had felt the day it happened, almost 4 years ago to the date. She let every emotion in her body take over her and she released them all as she was telling her life back in New York, she grieved right there for the child that would never be, that child that she had longed to have when she found out that she was pregnant, the child she would treat and mother a million times better than, her mother had been to her, and a child how would know who their father was, she was determined to be a better mother, a better parent than what she had but she never got that chance and she grieved in Jay's arms for the first real-time.

...

"I was going to come and tell you, Jay. I was going to come back to Chicago then but then a couple of days later before I was due to go on my flight, I collapsed in my apartment, and my partner had come to check on me, because of the bombing, she was worried about me, and I wasn't in much because of the limited desk work and she had found me on the ground, I was bleeding. "She whimpered, as she drank the rest of the wine trying so hard to steady her nerves as she moved away from Jay, over inches apart, but more than a couple of minutes ago when he was holding her tight.

Jay's mind raced as he heard the hurt from her voice propel in his ears and cries she had produced when at that moment she couldn't about it because was broken to the point that she felt too much pain to carry on without crying, as the thought of a child that he could have had with her, they could of have had a family, they could have healed one another instead she went through the torture of the process of been given a child to have it taken away again. "I could have been a dad, You could have been a mum." the thoughts ran wild in his head as the news was being processed by his brain.

"I'm so sorry Erin if I had known I would have jumped on the first plane out of here," Jay told her, he thought of how they could have been complete, together, a baby and them together, even if they weren't together as a couple he would have had his best friend in his life, and as the mother of his child, a child who was made out of love. He thought that if he hadn't of been stubborn and told her about his past and Abby and all the stuff that had happened in his life that maybe they could have been together and maybe, just maybe they would have been a baby, now a child in his arms instead of the women he loved deep down in his heart still reeling from the loss.

"I lost our baby, Jay. I lost our baby" She cried, as she left the wine glass on the tabletop and dropped to the ground in a slump against the kitchen island, while she held her head in her hand between her knees as Jay shocked and confused, walked quickly towards her and he cradled her like she was a little girl just needing some comfort. She stopped crying slowly after she slumped to the ground with only a

Jay was staring at her broken face, she had seemed so happy less than twenty minutes ago but now she seemed so broken that how could a person get past someone like that, she had conquered New York and her grief at the same time, but she was broken from the fact that she had a piece of her stolen away just as it was becoming something great, they both had but she had just kept him from the heartbreak of not knowing that she had been carrying his baby, their baby.

Erin had thought every day about the child she and Jay could have had together, she dreamed that she could have been finally happy and content with her life, it was something so pure and innocent inside of her that she could never forget, the first couple of days she had known, she would lay on the couch she owns, and rub and stroke her small tiny bump that she felt she could only see, it was always at the back of her mind yet on those hard days or coming home to an empty apartment she would feel lost, or when she saw Amanda Rollins, and her new baby daughter, she was heartbroken over what could have been, but she had never truly grieved. She could have been a mum, but she just thought that it was the universe punishing her for the life she had led, that she didn't deserve to have something so special and pure in her life.

The box on the countertop had just looked like one of the boxes the Erin had left to put the stuff inside away, but she had begun to stand again, she opened the box, it contained, a jagged metal shard that was curled out of shaped, made from thick silver shining steel, and underneath the obtrusive and created to be a demonic terrifying item, that had hit her in the bomb explosion that had cost her a large scar on her leg, and a black and white photo, Erin looked at the small photo, only it wasn't a mere photo, it was her scan pictures.

"I don't know why I keep this piece of metal really, I think I might just keep it to remind me of what I've been through, of what could have been much worse, I don't really know, I just kept it and I haven't really ever thought to throw it away," Erin explained.

"I keep a bullet from the Army that hit me in the shoulder, I keep it between it reminds me that I survived, I came home, and not everyone did, it's a reminder to me that I'm alive." Jay reminded himself of his own story of being injured.

"That's the scan photo, they said that they couldn't tell what sex the baby was, and to be honest I don't think I would of like to have known, it was hard enough without knowing if it was a boy or girl," Erin spoke, as the tears had faded away as she tried to compose herself.

"I'm so sorry Erin, I wish I had stopped being an idiot and letting you go, I should have tried to find you in New York then you wouldn't have had to do it alone, then you wouldn't have had to relive it again, because I was badgered to tell me." He uttered, after he picked up the ultrasound from her hand after she gestured to hold it, and he looked in awe and happiness but in bitter disappointment.

"I know this might be crossing a line, but did you ever…" Jay asked.

"Ever do drugs, that's what you're going to ask." Erin interrupted.

"Well, yeah. Are you okay, like with drugs, because I know what you did last time you felt guilty and alone over something you couldn't have changed?" Jay questioned without wanting to bring up Nadia's name, while he was still trying to be sensitive and loving as he asked her about her sobriety.

"I'm still clean, I never even thought about falling off the wagon," Erin declared as she knew he thought about her addiction, she had combatted it and not even thought to turn to them.

"That's amazing Erin, I bet Hank is proud of that," Jay suggested.

"He doesn't know, I never told him, I never even told him about the bombing, I knew he would just worry, and what happened to Justin, I didn't want to worry him about what he couldn't change, he would be scared that he was going lose me like he did Justin, and he had enough to worry about with his team here, never mind me in New York," Erin answered.

"Oh okay, I suppose if that's the way you wanted to deal with it, I suppose I understand why you didn't tell anyone" he accepted.

"Well I didn't feel like calling Hank in the middle of the night to tell him and then tell him that I could have fallen off the wagon but I'm strong enough not to, he worried about me for those last years while I was in Chicago, he didn't need to know what something that he would have made himself come up here and take care of me, I needed to do it alone. It was the only way that coped." Erin said.

The two of them sat on the couch, they had hugged for so long, he cradled her with his body, he sat in the corner of the brown sofa, and he laid down on the 2 or 3 seater couch with Erin laying down the crevice of where the cushions meet, he had right around the bottom of her back and his left hand cupping her cheek, while he wiped the tears that fell from her eyes, her arms were wrapped around the front and back of his body, her right hand on his chest and her left touching his right shoulder, then had hugged and laid like that for hours, they had eventually fallen to sleep just cuddling each other given one another comfort that only they could give each other, and when they woke it was dark outside, it was nighttime.

...

Erin walked into work as if it was a usual day, even though she had told Jay that she had miscarried their child, she hadn't told him to leave it, but she had told him to leave her alone on the issue, and that she didn't want to discuss it again, it was to in the past and she much preferred to leave it there, she had suffered and now she just wanted to live her life and forget about one of the most painful experiences in her life. She had grieved finally for the child that would never be, and finally, she really believed that she moved on with her life and be the person she knew she could be and have her family finally back after being gone for so long. She felt like she belonged again.

Yesterday had been one of the hardest days of her life, but she had finally grieved and let all of her emotions out about the past, and to tell her past love what had happened to her in New York, but she had told him and they had fallen to sleep together, and it felt like before, like how much they loved each other so much that they would have done anything for the only, she knew that she was only dreaming about what it was like really, she loved him and she always would, but she knew she would be deluded if she ever thought about the two of them being together again, it wouldn't work, it would never happen. They would always just be the two lost lovers who were destined to be apart, and they would never get their 'one day' because they had moved pat being in love with one another, she knew that she would never be with him again, but the hope and desire would always be in her heart even if she wanted to rule with her head.

Everyone was happier now that Antonio was back, even on his first day back, he was gladly welcomed back to the team and he was now partnered with Burgess full time, he got the desk that was across from Kevin, and the team was more than pleased to hear that it was Antonio who was becoming the next full-time member of Intelligence, it was the old dream team back together again, he had announced it the night that they had finished the case about Brandon Danvers, the child who had been murdered. It had given the team something to be happy about after the morgue releasing the child's dead body to his mother for burial, with the child's funeral they all confirmed they were attending.