A/N: Also, sorry not sorry, after this I am going out of town between now and Christmas, so I can't promise another chapter before New Years, but I will do my best.
Everyone lingered after the meal, as was typical when a mission was looming the next day. But slowly, everyone started to disperse, and we watched Rose not too subtly trying to pull Finn away with vague amusement. Poe stayed staunchly by my side. "Could I talk to you, Poe? In private." I asked quietly as the others departed. He seemed surprised, "Oh. Yeah, of course." He didn't hesitate though, following me back to my quarters. I walked past the desk to my bed and sat on the edge. "Would you close the door?" I asked.
Again, he was not visibly uncomfortable, but he did seem surprised. He closed it. He then covered a couple more paces, pulling the chair from the desk and sliding down into it effortlessly, dangling an arm over the back of the seat casually. "Mmm. His ease in manner belies what's under those clothes I bet." Fuck. Why did she have to choose now? I needed to focus! I thought 'Be quiet.' as loudly as I could. For once, no reply. Maybe she approved of the deviant behavior I had in mind. Anything to keep her, and him, away.
"So what'd you want to talk about?" He asked, calm and self assured. Often characterized as cocky and brash by other Resistance members, he was deceivingly mellow in private. He was typically very playful with me, but he wasn't prideful or rude to me ever. He was open. Trusting. I thought of the way I'd felt when I'd introduced myself, but he already knew who I was. He'd been looking forward to meeting me. I was somebody to him. Somebody important. Now, that same man was sitting there waiting to listen to my thoughts, because he cared what they were.
I stood, "Well. I guess talk might not be the right word." I closed the space between us, tossing a leg over his waist and sunk onto his lap. He was shocked and alert now, hands instinctually bracing my lower back as he straightened in the chair. His eyes bore into mine in wonder, but no protest, as I brought a hand to his cheek and tilted down to capture his lips. He let out a little groan as he returned the kiss, seeking to part my lips and delve further. He brought a hand to the back of my neck for better leverage.
His lips were soft and his tongue imploring, his mouth was hot and tender to mine. His skin under my fingers was sprinkled with stubble from a long day, covering smooth, sun kissed skin. He was homey and warm, I felt utterly at ease with him. He smelled like cinnamon and cloves. Robust and sweet. He parted from my lips flushed, the red of his cheeks unmistakable, and he didn't bother trying to hide it. I liked that honesty in him. "I-" he swallowed hard, licking his lips, "I didn't know." He whispered softly, searching my face for something.
"I want to be touched." I whispered back, pulling his hands and placing them against the skin of my belly under my shirt. I undid my breast band, letting it fall to the floor behind me. He glanced down, letting out a shaky breath. I could feel the chill in the air, and the way my nipples peaked in response. Straddled across his lap, I could feel his already woken member growing harder beneath me. His hands were warm and calloused, roving tentatively, as though I might swat him away at any second.
My hand slid from his cheek into his hair, gripping the hair at the base of his neck, sending his eyes snapping back to mine with a gasp. "Touch me the way you want to touch me." I breathed. I saw a shadow in his eyes, and I felt the thrill shoot down into the deepest parts of me. I slowly rocked my hips against his, he groaned. "So, this is happening? You want this? You're sure?" He asked, before whatever it was I knew he was about to do. It was endearing, the care and respect, the way he wanted me to feel in control.
"Yes, I'm sure. I want this." I emphasized with another thrust against his straining erection. He groaned again, but this time in addition to another dark look earned, his hands slid down to grab my ass and pull it tightly against him as he stood. He set me down on my back on the bed, kicking off his boots and pants, then tossing his jacket onto the vacated chair, before crawling over me. He then pulled off my boots, and tugged my own pants off. Leaving us both in shirt and underwear. I appraised the tent in his briefs hungrily, biting my lip.
The action wasn't missed by Poe, who cocked an eyebrow at me in amusement. "You like that, huh?" He asked a little smugly, climbing up and pushing my shirt up to reveal my breasts. "Mhmm I do." His response was a tug at my nipple with his teeth, and grinding his unfortunately clothed length against my unfortunately clothed lips. "Mmm damn you're wet." He whispered breathily, his tone heavy with arousal. He leaned back onto his haunches, raising my right leg to rest on his shoulder as he kissed my ankle and slowly worked his way to my knee. So reverent.
He looked down at me with hooded eyes and I felt his hand slide up my thigh, and without hesitation, push aside my panties and drag a finger up through my wet folds. He enjoyed my mewl. "You should feel it with something else." I recommended with a grin. He smirked back. "You know, you're right." He leaned over me, obscuring his movements by claiming my lips again. I braced in delicious anticipation. He replaced his finger with a frustratingly still clothed cock.
I grunted with petulance and he chuckled. "Oh, so impatient. You want me that badly?" He pulled back to look at me bemusedly, and I foisted up on my elbows. "Stars, Poe. Fuck me, please." His lips parted in surprise, he didn't expect me to be so direct. A long, leisurely foreplay was a game for another time. Right now, I needed to be filled. I needed all these thoughts pounded right out of my head. I had to see this through before I lost my nerve. He yanked his shirt over his head, a thin silver chain with a silver band on it jingled slightly with the movement, and I casually observed as I did the same with my own shirt.
He wasn't a slab of marble, instead slender and well defined. His build was narrower, but perfectly toned pectorals and tight, accentuated abs. Small dark curls trailing from his belly button down into his briefs. I licked my lips thinking about what was only barely hidden there, then looking up to find his eyes when I realized he wasn't moving. He had been watching me with a devious little smirk. He leaned over me again, his lips locking onto the base of my neck.
As he sucked and nibbled at the tender skin there, shooting little jolts of pleasure down my spine, I almost missed his fingers hooking in each side of my own underwear, and my hips lifting instinctually for him. He pulled back, his eyes falling to my sex, and I spread my legs under his gaze. This time, he was the one to bite a lip and inhale deeply. But when his thumbs dove into his own waistband, his eyes met mine, keen to watch my reaction with a cocky little grin. He was longer than he was thick, but I felt the heat pool in my belly all the same.
I wanted to feel every inch. He grabbed an ankle in each hand and yanked me toward him, earning an excited giggle in response as he placed them on his shoulders. He then grabbed his cock and pressed the tip between my folds positioning against my entrance. He gripped my hips and plunged deep, both of us moaning loudly together. He wrapped his arms around my thighs, trapping my legs against his chest and he thrust his cock into me repeatedly, his length hitting delightful places inside me.
He freed one hand to rub my clit with his thumb, and I clutched at the pillow and sheets, trying to cope with the pleasure coursing through my body. This was just what I needed, I could feel my release building, all manner of noises escaping me as he worked me tirelessly. And then, I was tossed from the edge, yelling out as my pussy gripped his dick and I came all over it. He was acutely aroused, groaning my name as I came down my high.
He only spared a few seconds, then promptly flipped me over with my face in the sheets, pulling my ass up sharply to his hips. He then plunged back inside me to the hilt with a loud groan, "Fuck, Rey!" His cock pounding my pussy roughly, spreading my ass so he could reach deeper. I reached down and worked my clit, it wouldn't take my long to cum again like this, and a firm smack across my ass sent my arousal skyrocketing again. My noises egging him on, his thrusts became more frantic, I knew he was close.
I could hear that little chain jingling again with the jerky movement of his body. "You like it rough, huh?" He said huskily, grabbing a fistful of my hair. He smacked my ass again with the other hand, it smarted and I loved it, groaning loudly in response. That coupled with the fast, hard snap of his hips slamming his dick in me and my fingers working my nub sent me careening into oblivion again much harder than before. He hissed as my pussy clamped down on his cock again, "Oh, fuck!" He cried loudly, with one last thrust sending him tumbling into ecstasy with me.
We laid there together for a while until our breathing settled again, lazily entangled. His fingers leisurely brushing up my back and shoulders, my arm tossed across his chest as I curled against his side and laid my head on his shoulder. "You're sure you don't want to come with me? It'd be much more enjoyable in all terms of the word…" He trailed off, his eyes raking over my body. I chuckled. "I'm sure." I laughed at his pout. "Not even a teeny, tiny bit?" He whined playfully nestling his face in my neck. "Poe! I have to stay here. Besides, you don't need any distractions, you need to be sharp for your mission." I pulled back to kiss his jaw as consolation.
"Well, I suppose this is real good motivation to get it done and high tail it back here to you." His eyes met mine with a broad smile overtaking his face. I giggled when he wagged his eyebrows at me. "You had better hurry back. I don't like to be kept waiting." I feigned a stern look at him over my shoulder as I sat up. "Oh, no, I know much better than to leave a woman waiting." He placed his hand over his heart for dramatic effect as he also sat up. For the first time in this encounter, my nerves returned. "I think you ought to get back to your room, lest anyone notice."
I waited with baited breath to see how he responded. He smiled softly, but the tinge of sadness in his eyes wasn't missed. "Yeah, you're right." He stood up and started dressing, facing away from me. For a quiet moment, I wondered at the scars scattered along his back and shoulders, but shook off the question for another time. "I just think we should have time to figure things out between us before we go making it public, you know?" I added gently, hoping that eased his mind. He turned around and gave me a much brighter, more hopeful smile that time before sitting on the edge of the bed to pull his boots on.
"Yeah, yeah. You're probably right, I shouldn't get ahead of myself here." He chuckled to himself a little. "How do you mean?" I asked. He finished with his boots and turned his body toward me, biting his lip. I watched the indecision, and some embarrassment, flitter across his features. "Ah, well." He scratched at the back of his head in a nervous gesture. "I think I've liked you since the moment we met, Rey. I just... always thought you wouldn't go for a guy like me. Thought you might like someone else, truthfully. And hells, I sure wasn't going to turn you down tonight, but I worried maybe it was just a sex thing, that maybe you didn't really like me otherwise."
He wasn't oblivious like some liked to think he was. But, his vulnerability was extremely endearing. He would be a good partner. Sensitive, but receptive. Willing to talk about his feelings, without hostility. That was a refreshing change for sure. "I guess I've been a bit too preoccupied, it took me a bit to really pay attention. But when I did, I liked you quite a bit. I want to explore things and see where they could go. It's not just a sex thing. Though, that was very nice." I giggled a little, feeling odd about talking so frankly about intimacy.
Poe beamed, wasting no more time and leaning in to claim my lips again in a soft, gentle kiss. "Good. Me too. I'll see you when I get back." He parted to speak, then rushed in again for a little more urgent, more passionate kiss. He bit his lip and took a large breath when he pulled away, as though trying to shake away thoughts of more activities so he could will himself to his feet again. It was bittersweet to watch him slip out into the hallway discreetly. I might really miss him this time.
The next day was tougher than I expected, and it seemed a strain for Poe too. His expressions were easy to read, and he didn't like that he couldn't be openly affectionate. It was as though he couldn't bear the secret, fidgeting and getting lost in thought as goodbyes and conversations happened around him. Finn, perceptive as always, picked up on the change, but merciful as always too, he didn't bring it up. The departure was brief, and then they were gone. I expected to feel relieved, but instead I felt anxious.
I moped about until it was time to train, and I performed a rigid, perfunctory session. Leia gave me another shrewd look, as if she sensed my heart and mind were elsewhere. Were they ever really focused on the task? Maybe she wondered if she should suggest that was my problem, and I'd reluctantly agree. But, alas she was silent on it, and dismissed me for the day. Everything was quieter, duller. Maybe falling for Poe wasn't quite the 'task' I'd approached it as. Maybe he was already a bit ingrained in my life, I just hadn't noticed it.
I collapsed into bed after dinner and a shower and struggled to get to sleep. No Dark Rey tonight. Not yet anyway. But, rather the empty, longing, nagging feelings kept me awake. I tossed and turned, regretting having surrendered my sheets for clean ones this morning. Maybe the scent would help me sleep. Eventually though, I drifted off.
This time, I knew for sure I was dreaming, because I was watching myself from outside my body. I couldn't control, much less stop, what was happening. It was day time, I watched myself look around a clearing in the jungle of Ajan Kloss, before leaning up against a broad tree and sliding my right hand into my pants. I was... pleasuring myself? Then he was there. Standing just feet from me, but I wasn't startled. Was I expecting him?
"I see you were thinking about me." I pause, but don't attempt to obscure what I was doing, only turning my face to look at him. The sheer heat in his eyes threatens to melt my core on the spot. He closes the gap, and pulls open the tie of my tunic, letting it fall away from my chest. I wasn't wearing my breast band. Then he's trailing the back of his gloved hand over my exposed breast, I gasped, but didn't move away. He leans over, flicking his tongue across the erect nipple, taking it in his mouth and sucking it, my hand burying in his hair and I'm whimpering in approval.
He shifts to the other breast, his gloved fingers gliding up my thigh and delving into my waistband. He inserts two fingers without warning, earning a loud cry. He straightens, kissing my neck up to my ear, "how did you feel today?" It seared through my gut like a knife, the thought that Ren knew what I had done. Knew about Poe. But I remained with eyes closed, enjoying the pleasure and attention he lavished me with. My body didn't flinch, no trace of guilt or shame.
I answered, "Achingly empty... The way you'd filled me, it left such an absence... a longing." He practically purred with delight. "Mmm. You long to have my cock fill you again?" As if to answer, my hand found his hard length straining painfully against his pants, rubbing it through the material. He suddenly removed his fingers, making quick work of his waist belt and shredding his thick armored tunic. He tossed his boots and pants, leaving him only with his gloves and sleeves still strapped tight across his collarbone.
To my dismay, I was looking back at him lustfully. I shimmied out of my own clothing until I was completely bare, laying down on the soft, mossy ground. He moved down onto his knees at my feet, "Spread your legs for me." He commanded firmly, but gently. I obeyed all too willingly. He then tilted his head appraising the view of my glistening wetness awaiting him. "My dirty little girl aren't you?" He crawled over me, kissing and sucking along my sternum and grazing my right nipple with his teeth.
I pouted. "I have an ache that needs satisfying." I rubbed my wetness against his length to illustrate my point, earning a groan from him in return. He grabbed his cock at the base and held it out stiff for me, his eyes locking with mine in an unspoken challenge. I wasted no time rocking my hips forward to push the tip inside. His hands found my hips with bruising intensity, but let me continue to writhe, not taking me. I whined with frustration, "Fuck me, please, I need more." How could he say no? I'd never known him to be one of much restraint.
One arm swooped underneath me, grabbing a handful of ass, the other grabbing the base of my neck. I spread my legs as wide as I could, eagerly. Then he was driving deep and hard, rewarded with loud moans punctuating the wet slapping of skin. As if that just wasn't enough, like he wasn't satisfied he'd felt every centimeter of my insides, he pulled my knees over his forearms in a familiar gesture I recognized from a vision he'd shown me before. Both palms now lifted me by my ass as he leaned back onto his haunches, leaving my fingers clamoring to find purchase on the vastness of his shoulders for balance.
His gloved hands grabbed my waist roughly, the enormity of them swallowing me. One was enough to cover the entire expanse of the skin there. With the same bruising force as before, he used his grip to bounce me up and down atop him, impaling me with his absurdly thick cock on each downward pull. The obscene noises from me made my gut clench in want of the pleasure my mysterious double was in the throws of. The looks of his face, awash and passionately lost in coital bliss. The noises he made were equally loud and profane.
People were so close, I could hear them, how did they not notice what was happening here? My true self's own arousal watching this display peaked to the point it was nearly painful. Watching us cry out together in a tandem climax, watching the way the very ground and trees seemed to vibrate with the energy of it, was breathtaking. It was no cold, loveless thing. Despite the sweat and intense heat of our bodies coupled with the summer air on the jungle moon, we were glued together post-coitus. He made no move to disjoin us, and I made no effort to remove him from inside me.
Our lips were locked in feverish kisses, limbs tangled together as fingers sought purchase in each other's hair. When finally our lips did part, all he said was, "They don't deserve you."
I woke with a start, panting and unbearably wet. No coherent thought made it through, only the instinct to relieve the pressure built up in my core. Desire slithered down my spine as my fingers dragged along my belly and into my underwear. I was not unlike my doppelganger seen moments ago, head tilted back and eyes closed as I pleasured myself. I could feel Ren's touch burning across my skin like phantasmal gloved hands. The feeling of me stretched to accommodate him, his breath on my neck, Mine. Mine. Mine... Release.
Afterward, I felt dirty. A type of dirty, a kind of tainted, I had not felt before. My heartbeat was still thrumming along, starting to slow. A thin sheen of sweat coated my bare skin, and tears threatened my eyes again. I managed to swallow them down thickly, rising from the bed to go wash myself off. As if that would somehow make me feel clean again. I couldn't even make eye contact with myself in the mirror. I peeled my sweaty nightshirt off and I examined my body slowly.
Ren was vast, deep, and sweltering red hot. Poe was warm, tight, and deliciously sweet. How could you compare such different things? I had no desire to compare them at all, but apparently my subconscious had other ideas. It felt somewhere deep in my skull like my very brain itself was starting to tear. My mind was unable to cope with such distortions of reality, the stress of trying to recognize these visions or imaginations, from connections or real life was beginning to finally undo me.
What was real? What was true? What was wrong? What was right? What was manipulated, conjured? What was me? What was my shadow? Where did I truly end, and Dark Rey truly begin? It was getting harder and harder to tell. Ah, she finally makes her appearance. I knew it would be any moment. Ready to twist the knife in, I'd bet. Ready to slap the red mark of a whore on my chest.
"Oh my, the rebel prince wrapped around one finger, the dark prince wrapped around another. What a wicked little bitch you are after all. Such a cock whore." She taunted with devilish glee.
"Stop it." I ground through clenched teeth. I didn't enjoy my position. "Don't lie to yourself. You enjoy several positions, from each of them!" She giggled at her own demented humor.
"I hate you! Leave me alone!" I seethed, on the verge of tears. My heart was already torn apart with guilt, but she knew that.
There was no respite from her endless torment unless I was in Ren's presence, or fucking Poe. The truth of that was a searing pain through my gut. "Darling, you know better by now. This is one of those, what do they call them?" She feigned ignorance with a thoughtful pout, tapping her index finger against her chin. "Ah, metaphors! I am you. The part of you that you try to hide from, and try to hide from others. When it gets right down to it, the one you really hate is yourself." She explained patronizingly. I faced away, trying desperately to ignore her.
"You revel in the power you hold over Poe. He'll give you anything you want. All the pleasure his cock can provide. He's simple really, a warm blooded male when it comes down to it. Not a lot of thoughts up top I suspect. But, you love the power Kylo holds over you. The way you hunger for him, the way his darkness sings to your soul. The way it reaches deep down in the depths you don't want to think about. You're bound to him, you know you'll never escape him. Let's be honest, you don't want to. Poe is a fun little distraction, but Kylo is the one you dream about, the one you really want ravishing you. You need him, and you hate needing anyone. But it all comes down to one simple fact, you're a coward."
My eyes finally locked on my own in the mirror, yellow superimposed over my normally hazel eyes, a cruel smile on my reflection's lips. "I don't want this." I heard the strangled cry escape me, but no tears fell. "They don't deserve you." she said slowly as I heard her voice morph into Ren's voice. I gasped in surprise as my reflection was normal again, but he was suddenly behind me in the mirror, a nightmare come to life. I had no idea her terror could stretch this far. I turned on him with all the venom, shadow, and pain in me. "Dammit ! Get OUT!" Whether he was real or not was of no consequence, I had to let all this awful energy out or I might explode.
I blinked. He was gone. Hot tears burned my cheeks. I felt something twisting and gnarling and exploding. The walls seemed to warp and groan, was that real? My body burned, like knives under my skin, it took my breath away. I couldn't reason what I was feeling, but it was powerful. The blackness was only rooting itself deeper and stronger in my soul. I collapsed to the floor and sobbed. There was no one to run to, no one to save me. I didn't deserve to be saved, if I was honest. I'd never felt so alone. Not even in that bleak cave that night on Ahch-To. Nothing had ever filled me with this kind of despondency. Could anyone even hear me cry?