Chapter 7: The Calm

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Sakura wakes with tears in her eyes and an ache so deep in her chest she momentarily forgets how to breathe.

When will the dreams stop? When will she be able to close her eyes and not see the bright streets of Konoha? When will her heart stop aching for her home, even if just for a moment? She longs for the quiet days, the peaceful days with a familiar face around every corner, knowing that she has a home to return to in the evening. She drowns in the desire, the want so deep in her bones, calling her to a place she cannot go.

She catches Levi watching her and hastily wipes her eyes. "Sorry," she mumbles. "There are bigger things to worry about right now."

"You feel what you feel," he says, kissing her.

A few days have passed since their battle with the Titans. It has been quiet, but not in a peaceful way; it is quiet the same way prey listens for its predators. It is quiet the same way a person waits for the other shoe to drop. There is tension all throughout headquarters as they wait for Hange to return from Mitras with further orders.

Levi and the other captains have been busy writing death notices for families, while she's been outside overseeing training, although it hasn't been mandatory and their numbers are smaller now. On the second day, Levi gave her a notice, looking apologetic. When she opened it, she saw Jakub's name.

"I didn't see it happen," she said quietly.

"I asked around. I don't think anyone did. But if he survived, he would've managed to regroup with us. We were there for hours."

"I wish you weren't right," she sighed, folding up the notice and pocketing it.

"About what?"

"About him. About how he was going to get himself killed."

Levi's eyes were soft. "I wish that too."

His eyes are soft now as he looks at her, deep in thought. His head is propped up on the palm of his hand, and his other hand reaches out to comb through her bedhead, smoothing out the unruly locks. Sakura is content watching him in silence, enjoying the feeling of his fingers in her hair, waiting for him to say something.

He does, a minute later. "What do you want to do when this is all over?"

The question takes Sakura by surprise. Levi has never been one to see past tomorrow, or even assume that anyone would live past tomorrow. "I don't know. I haven't thought that far. Have you?"

"No," he admits. "But I keep imagining this house."

"A house?"

"Yeah. Outside the city. It's stone on the outside and lined with wood on the inside, two stories tall, and there's a small library on the second floor. There's a garden out back. Maybe a well nearby."

"That's a very specific house," she says, searching his eyes, trying to understand where he's going with this.

"I want us to build it. Together."

Sakura breaks a little then, although she isn't sure from what. She reaches out to caress his face. "Oh, Levi."

"We'll fill the library with medical texts and I'll take care of the garden."

"That…" She swallows. "That sounds wonderful."

As much as she thinks of Konoha as her home, it's more than that. Home is also with Levi. Home is wherever they make it to be. Things have been so difficult for the both of them lately, and somehow, he's the one who's trying to pull them out of the darkness.

The thought looms in the back of her mind that maybe they won't make it past all of this. That maybe one of them, or both of them will die before everything is over. But this moment feels so perfect, with them lying together in bed, hidden away from the world, that she can't bring herself to say it. Maybe she doesn't have to—maybe he's thinking it too.

"But Levi," she says, "I don't know the first thing about building a house. Do you?"

"No," he admits, although he doesn't seem deterred by that fact. "First, we survive—then we'll figure out the rest."

Sakura smiles. "I guess the rest of it will be easy in comparison."

The idea of this house is so distant it feels like a hazy dream; she almost doesn't believe that it'll come true. But she closes her eyes and she sees it—she sees the library, lined with books and scrolls, with a desk against one wall and an old armchair tucked in the far corner. She sees the bedroom and the worn wooden floorboards. She sees the stone and mortar walls from the outside, keeping the chilly winter nights at bay, and the garden out back, with vines from the tomato plants overgrowing in the soil and taking over the squash and potatoes. She sees days spent walking into town to trade vegetables for meat, nights curled up in front of the fireplace, and every day being so delightfully dull and beautifully mundane.

She wants it. She wants it all. She wants every day with Levi, always and forever.

First, they'll survive. And then they'll figure out the rest.

—

There are familiar faces, surprising faces at headquarters today.

Hange has returned, and she is seen eating breakfast with Eren, Armin, and Mikasa in the main hall. Sakura says Levi's name to grab his attention and points at them. "What do you think they're doing here?"

"I don't know," Levi replies, not sounding too pressed. "I guess we'll find out later."

But Sakura is curious by nature, and once they grab their food, she drags Levi over to sit with Hange and the three retired soldiers at the long wooden table. Upon seeing Levi, Mikasa bristles and her eyes narrow. Sakura forces a smile to make peace, trying to forget how Levi pummeled Eren the last time they met.

"Hey, guys! What are you doing here?"

In contrast to Mikasa, Eren doesn't look at all offended by Levi's presence (which leads Sakura to wonder if their relationship just consists of brutal beatings), and Armin is even excited. "Sakura, Captain Levi! Good morning."

"We were summoned," Eren answers in response to her question. He doesn't sound particularly pleased by the fact.

"Oh, but we were going to come anyway," Armin says, and then turns his attention back to Sakura and Levi. "It was a government order. We're to help the cause."

"Oh." Sakura thinks briefly about the implications of this, and the relief that spreads through her entire body is sudden and immediate. "Oh, that's so good. I was getting worried that I'd be the only trump card."

"I still won't unleash the power of the Founding Titan," Eren says through a mouthful of bread. "But my Attack Titan is plenty strong. As is Armin's Colossal Titan."

Hange speaks next. "It was decided last night that we will launch an attack on Marley."

Out of the corner of Sakura's eye, Levi's hand stops, freezing halfway between his plate and his mouth. "Whose decision was that?"

"We came to that decision together."

"I see."

Silence falls upon the table, the air thick with something Sakura can't quite place. She redirects her gaze downwards at her food and pushes her eggs around with her fork.

Having Eren, Armin, and Mikasa on their side changes things. Even if Marley has more Titans on their side, Eren and Armin alone can cause a great deal of damage, and Mikasa is skilled and impartial where Eren isn't concerned. That leaves an opportunity for Sakura's abilities to be redirected elsewhere, whether it be offensively or defensively. The ball of stress and worry that's been sitting in Sakura's stomach for what feels like forever finally loosens a bit. Maybe they have a chance of winning after all.

She looks up to glance at Eren, who's sitting across from her. All things considered, he looks quite normal, if not a little worse for wear. She had never officially met him during her first stay in Paradis, and it's still difficult for her to connect this quiet, solemn man with the person who supposedly unleashed thousands of Titans upon the world four years ago—but then again, mass destruction and murder would change anyone.

"I look forward to working with you," she tells him, smiling. Eren smiles back, although it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"Yeah."

—

Levi finds Hange in her office after breakfast. He knows he shouldn't be bothering her at such a crucial time, but he feels that this can't wait.

He knocks on her door and waits for her invitation in. When he enters the room, he has to blink away the image of Erwin sitting at the desk instead of her; his mind still instinctively conjures up the memory, even though it's been years.

"Levi," she greets, putting down her quill. "I'm finalizing our battle strategy right now; I'd appreciate it if you could look it over and give me your input."

He sits down in the chair across from her and she turns the papers so he can read them upright. The report is several pages long, mostly filled with diagrams and quickly scribbled annotations. He reads it quietly, taking in the information, imagining the various scenarios in his head.

"It's good," he finally says, looking back up at her. "It's brutal. It will send a clear message."

"You don't think there's something we're missing?"

He casts her a look. "Do you?"

Hange leans back in her chair, holding her knuckles to her mouth as she thinks. "Where do you think the other Titan shifters are?"

Levi blinks. "I don't know." He's always been the follower, not the strategist.

He waits for Hange to continue her thought, but she merely takes the plans back and scribbles some more things onto them. He sits and watches, resisting the increasing desire to fidget in his seat. The back of his neck feels hot. With each passing second, he feels her attention on him, even though her eyes are cast downward and her hand continues to move across the paper.

"You're a good leader," he finally says, the words feeling clumsy as they tumble out of his mouth. She stops moving. "You're not Erwin. But you don't need to be."

He's never apologized to anyone before. He's pretty sure he's doing it wrong.

Hange's grip relaxes on her quill, and then she puts it down. "Truth be told, I don't know how Erwin did it. At least I have an idea of what's out there. But he never knew, and he still was able to bring us further than we could've ever imagined." Her eyes are soft as she reminisces.

Levi remembers his long nights spent in Erwin's office, the many hours the previous commander spent poring over proposals and strategies. "Erwin always strongly believed in certain things about the world, even before they were proven true. You two aren't as different as you think."

"I'm always thinking about him, and what he would do if he were still here."

"You're better suited for diplomacy. He would've been shit in times of peace."

"I think he would've been great," Hange says. "But it's not like we're at peace anymore, are we?" It's then that she finally looks Levi in the eye, and something in him knows that she's forgiven him. He doesn't know how she accepted or even understood his shitty apology, but he's thankful for it.

"Your plan is thorough," he says, pushing his chair back and standing up. "And you're flexible on the battlefield."

Hange raises her eyebrows. "Levi, are you…trying to comfort me?"

He scowls. "In your fucking dreams."

"I don't know, that sounded pretty comforting to me. Your time with Sakura has turned you into a big softie, hasn't it?"

He doesn't spare her another comment and leaves the room.

—

They spend the entirety of the next day packing. Gear, gas, blades, rifles, Thunder Spears, explosives—anything the might need in a moment of emergency, they pack, with a little extra to be safe. It's been a long time since they've prepared for a mission this way.

"That's a lot of wiring and explosives," Oluo had commented when they were preparing for the 57th Expedition. "What's it for?"

"I don't question what Erwin has planned for us," Levi had said. "Do you?"

"No, of course not. It just seems like a lot, I guess."

It wasn't enough to save him, was it? Annie escaped their trap and killed them all.

Levi doesn't know what prompts this memory. He blinks it away and barks at a soldier to find more ammo.

It's getting a little chillier now. The air has a bite to it and the days are getting shorter; the darkness will be on their side when they wait for the first ships to dock in the morning. Levi thinks again about Hange's plans.

Fighting humans is inherently so different from Titans. At least Titans are predictable. Humans are underhanded, cunning, adaptable. Hange is of the belief that they won't unleash Titans in their own territory and put their own citizens at risk, but Levi isn't so sure about that.

When he pulls himself from his thoughts, he sees Sakura approach him. "Why do you guys have hardly any medical supplies?" she grumbles. "Do all of you think I'm a miracle worker with endless chakra reserves?"

He casts her a look. She seems disgruntled, at best. "I don't, but they do. And we have no medical supplies because we didn't used to need them. People usually just died."

"Okay. Fair point." They continue watching the younger soldiers loading up the carts for a few moments before she moves to stand in front of him. She obscures his vision and all he can see is pink and green; she places a thumb between his brow to smooth out the tension there and he jerks away. "C'mon, Levi. I'm your wife, don't do this to me."

"We're working." He forces his body to still anyway, although he remains rigid—but Sakura doesn't touch him again. He half wishes she would.

"Well, know that you're deepening your wrinkles when you do that."

"I'm not exactly young," he points out.

"You're not old," she says, rolling her eyes. "You're still plenty spry. You could probably kill ten people in ten seconds." Her comment is enough to pull a half-smile from him, and this seems to satisfy her, even though there's still a hint of hurt in her eyes.

"Not ten. Maybe six."

"Okay. Six is still solid."

They chat for only a minute longer before Hange whistles loudly, calling everyone to attention. "We're in for a long night of traveling," she announces, her voice echoing in the clearing. "Once you're finished here, go to mess hall. We have a big dinner planned." A murmur of approval travels through the crowd and the work resumes, slightly quicker now that they know a feast is just around the corner.

The mess hall smells of ham and roast beef. The atmosphere is light and cheerful, although relatively tame. Have they not had plans to travel tonight, barrels of beer would be cracked open and jovial brawls would have broken out. Levi is familiar with this move; it's to boost morale, and he's seen it several times before. The food isn't for their long travel, but for what they will likely face tomorrow. Erwin had always believed that if he had a say on the quality of a soldier's final meal, he would make it worthwhile. It seems he's passed that belief onto Hange.

Levi is quiet as he eats, content to listen and observe. Sakura is chatting with Armin, Eren, and Mikasa about her world. Eren asks about its various geological features, while Armin is more interested in the culture and technology of her people. Mikasa seems fascinated by the idea that Sakura's people seem to be of Asian heritage, just like her. Watching them like this, it's almost like they're kids again, fifteen years old and yet to be fully jaded by what this world has to offer.

He's chewing on a piece of roast potato when Sakura abruptly excuses herself from the table. Levi glances over and sees that her plate is somehow cleared, despite how much she's been talking. She gives his shoulder a squeeze before leaving the hall, not turning back to look at him once—the action is provocative somehow, and he watches the sway of her hips as she walks away, his eyes darkening.

"Captain?" Armin inquires when Levi abruptly puts down his fork and follows her.

He easily catches up with her in the hall. "You could've waited longer than five seconds," she says, not accusingly. "That was a bit too obvious."

They both walk quickly down the hall, steps in sync with each other. "You were the one being obvious," he says, voice sitting deep in his throat.

"How much time do you think we have?"

"About an hour, give or take."

The lock to their room hasn't even clicked yet and Sakura's mouth is already on his, fingers weaving through his hair and tugging. He fully slants his lips against hers, craning his neck up in earnest like an apology for how he acted earlier.

"Sorry," she quietly gasps when they pull apart. "I know we're technically on the clock."

She's gotten better at hiding it, but he knows he hurt her feelings earlier. "It's fine," he says. "It's the night before a big battle. We're both on edge."

Her hands drop to her sides and she straightens up. Even though her eyes are wet, she doesn't cry. "It's just"—she swallows—"it's just that you mentioned that house and now I keep thinking about it but I also keep thinking about how one of us might die tomorrow—"

"Yeah." Levi sits down on the bed and grabs her wrists. Her arms are limp in his grip.

"I'm scared. I really want that house and I'm so scared."

He looks up at her, at her broken expression, and feels exactly the same way. "Yeah."

"And I guess, I don't know, touching you makes me feel better, even if it's just smoothing out your forehead wrinkles. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," he says. "Touch me all you want, it's fine."

Even though he had already forgiven her the moment her thumb left his forehead hours ago, Sakura only forgives herself now. He knows it's not really about the public display of affection, but more so an amalgamation of everything that has happened these past several months—the jolt of being thrown back here, the grief of having lost a life of peace, the anger and hopelessness at the thought of having to fight, the fear of not surviving long enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sakura has always hoped stronger and harder than Levi, so if he's having a difficult time, it must be much worse for her.

She settles into his lap and kisses him again, this time with more fervor. He slowly works at the buttons of her shirt, careful not to rip any out, untucking it from her pants and pushing it off her shoulders. It falls to the floor, forgotten. She shifts her weight and leans forward; he lets her push him onto his back, helps her unbutton his shirt when her fingers fumble and slip in her haste.

"I'm right here," he tells her. "I'm not going anywhere." Wordlessly, she nods.

For the next hour, he is all hers. He is hers when she mouths at his clavicle, teeth nipping a little harder than usual. He is hers when her thumbs press bruises into his chest as she sinks down onto him, shuddering. He is hers when they rock together, slow only initially. Her eyes are shut tight and her breaths are shallow as she takes what she needs, her hips moving with the help of his hands.

Sakura collapses down on top of him and moans into his mouth as her body locks up and then shakes. He groans at the sensation, barely holding on—but then she rolls her hips a few more times, still whimpering against his jaw, and he loses himself too.

"Shit," he gasps. "Shit."

They lay that way for several long moments, chests heaving. Eventually, Sakura rolls off of him and onto her back. When he turns his head to look at her, her eyes are still distant and drifting, but they've lost their edge of hysteria.

"We should probably get back out there," she says. But as she moves to get up, Levi grabs her arm and pulls her back towards him.

"There's still a bit of time," he says, smoothing her hair down with his fingers. She gives in easily, settling into the crook of his shoulder and sighing quietly against his cooling skin. Levi wraps his arms around her and holds her, cocooning himself around her the best he can with his slightly smaller body. He commits this moment to memory, because he doesn't know when they'll get this again. She easily shrinks herself to fit against him, the top of her head tucking underneath his chin, legs tangling with his underneath the sheets. Levi inhales through his nose and breathes in the scent of her.

"I'm still scared," she says quietly. He has never been good at comforting people, especially if he shares the same concerns, so he merely gives her a squeeze and kisses her hair.

They get to lay together in each other's quiet company for a little while longer. He catalogues every detail, down to the way her hair tickles his nose when he breathes. Eventually he forces his body open, unwrapping himself from around her and untangling their legs. Sakura momentarily curls even tighter into herself, as if trying to keep the warmth that he gave her, but the action is brief, and then she is sitting up as well.

They quietly get dressed, buttoning up their shirts and smoothing out the wrinkles. Right before they leave the room, Levi holds Sakura's face between his hands and kisses her, long and slow. Maybe it's a final reminder for her that they're in this together. Maybe the reminder is for him.

When they arrive in the courtyard, the sun has already set and most people are readying the horses. In the distance, he hears Philip calling him over. Levi glances at Sakura, who smiles at nods, before turning and walking away from her.

He steels himself and once again becomes humanity's strongest.

Notes: This week feels like it's been the longest week, but it's over, and here's a new chapter! I hope you guys enjoyed it.