She-Blah
Episode 7
In the Shadows of Mystabor
Night had fallen over the Whispering Woods. Adora, Glimmer and Bow had set up camp in a clearing and now lay on the soft grass under a blanket of stars, fast asleep. All was still, the woods quiet and peaceful.
"Adoraaaaa..." a creepy voice crooned on the wind.
"Huh? Whozzat?" Adora snorted and sat up, hair sticking out everywhere. "The fuck said that? Was it you?" She turned to glare at a deer standing nearby. It stared back at her for a long, silent moment, then lifted its tail and ripped a high-pitched fart. "...I should not have eaten those brownies Perfuma made."
"Yeah, you really shouldn't have," the deer replied.
"Don't judge me!" Adora staggered to her feet, then shuffled off towards some bushes. "Also shouldn't have had that glass of water before bed..."
"You need some leaves or anything?" the deer asked, shoving its head into the bush after her.
"No! Go away!"
"You can try those fuzzy ones over there, they look pretty soft-"
"Seriously, FUCK OFF!"
-The Next Morning -
"Ahhhh..." Bow yawned and sat up, stretching languidly in the bright morning sun. "What a wonderful night! Nothing beats sleeping under the staAAAAA SPIDERS ON MY FAAAAACE-"
"Ugh, keep it down," Glimmer groaned, pulling her cloak over her head.
"Sorry, I tend to scream where there are SPIDERS ON MY FUCKING FACE. Really wakes you up. Works better than coffee."
"STOP." She raised an arm threateningly. "I will hit the snooze button. Meaning you."
"Eesh, what's got you so grumpy?" Bow frowned, thinking. "Are you on your period again?" He pulled out a calendar and studied it. "Hmm, no, that's not for another week-"
"Will you stop tracking my period?"
"How else will I know to keep an emergency stash of pads, tampons and chocolate?! What kind of friend do you think I am?" He sniffed in affront.
"Whatever! Just...gimme five more minutes." Glimmer rolled over and went back to sleep. Bow scowled, then leaned over her and scrubbed at his hair. More spiders fell out onto her and she sat up, screaming.
"SPIDERS ON MY- oh, wow, that really does work better than coffee I am wide awake- but seriously, what the fuck, Bow?" She glared at him. "Just let me sleep! I was kept up half the night by your snoring-"
"How dare you!" Bow gasped. "I do NOT snore." He paused. "I grind my teeth. There's a difference. Right, Adora?" He turned to find the other girl gone, her patch of grass conspicuously empty. "...Adora?" He glanced around, then spotted her by the trees. Glimmer took his hand and they teleported over. "Hey girl, how you-" Adora immediately whirled around, sword out, screaming her head off.
"Oh my God what is wrong with oh no wait that's normal, isn't it?" Glimmer relaxed. "Still getting used to that, sorry."
"What's up?" Bow asked.
"My anxiety levels- I mean...nothing. I dunno. I thought I...heard something last night," Adora admitted. "Also there was a talking deer who watched me pee-"
"I knew you shouldn't have eaten those brownies-"
"Don't judge me!"
"Have you not slept...at all?" Glimmer asked, leaning in close to inspect the huge bags under Adora's blood-shot eyes.
"...What makes you think that?" Adora replied, one of her eyes twitching, then took a shot of coffee.
"You know you could just put some spiders on your face," Bow began.
"Adora, listen," Glimmer cut in, "I know you're still on edge because of what happened with the murder bots, but it's all over now. We got you checked out by the doctor and you're not pregnant and you didn't catch any STDs. You're totally clean! So you need to relax."
"Well, Perfuma did give me this," Adora said, holding up a joint. She stared at it for a long moment, then tossed it in her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. "...I don't feel any better."
"Okay, that's it." Glimmer clapped her hands. "We're going on vacation to Mystacor."
"I didn't pack my thong!" Bow cried in disappointment.
"You're not allowed to wear that anymore," Glimmer said.
"You're right," Bow said, nodding. "I might incite another sex-riot."
"What's Mystacor?" Adora asked, confused.
"It's a secret floating kingdom that's home to all of Etheria's Sorcerers," Glimmer explained.
"...So it's like Hogwarts."
"No, it's not!" Glimmer protested. "It's got everything, tranquil gardens, beautiful beaches, and healing springs! My aunt Castaspella is Head Sorceress there, too, so we can get in for free!" She paused. "She'll make you pay in hugs, though."
"...So she's like Dumbledore-"
"She is NOT-"
"Mystacor is also protected by an invisibility spell so evil can't find it," Bow added knowingly.
"...So how do WE?" Adora said after a moment.
"Well first we get on the train at platform nine and three quarters-"
"Fucking CALLED it-"
"ANYWAY! It's the safest, most peaceful place in all of Etheria," Glimmer urged, taking her hand. "We'll have you relaxing in no time!"
"...Will it...hurt?" Adora asked nervously as they lead her away into the woods.
"Only at first," Bow said, patting her shoulder. "Don't worry. We're gonna get through this together."
Unbeknownst to them, a evil shadow spy slithered out of the bushes and began to follow, slinking close to their feet, completely unnoticed-
*Squish!*
"Oh God I think I just stepped in shit you guys-"
...Or not.
-Back in the Fright Zone-
Back at the Horde Fortress, Shadow Weaver had plugged herself back into the large crystal in her room to recharge, as well as her phone, tablet and laptop. Catra walked in with a heavy sigh and crossed her arms defiantly.
"You wanted to see me?"
"Couldn't be farther from the truth, but no matter," Shadow Weaver replied coldly. She went over to her cauldron and passed a hand over it. "My shadow spies have found Adora. She is on her way to Mystacor with her new friends."
"Ugh, fine!" Catra groaned, rolling her eyes. "I'll go get her. This time, instead of giving me some shrimp-bitch and fucking Kyle, just give me some chloroform and a roll of duct-tape-"
"You're not going anywhere," Shadow Weaver cut her off sharply. "I'm going to use my magic to capture her myself. You will see that I am not disturbed." She stared at Catra pointedly. "...So get the fuck out."
"...Why would you tell me all about your evil plan and then not involve me?" Catra asked, incredulous. "Just to rub it in my face- of COURSE you fucking would why am I even asking." She gave her a middle finger salute and marched towards the exit.
"Use your door," Shadow Weaver ordered.
"I don't want to use my door," Catra snapped back.
"Use it!"
"...Godammit." Muttering angrily to herself, Catra got down on all fours and crawled out through a small kitty door. "This is so humiliating..."
Once outside, she peeked back in through the cat flap to watch Shadow Weaver bent over the cauldron, performing dark magic. An ominous cloud billowed up in the air as she waved her hands.
"I command you! Be...delicious!" She paused, then took a sip from a ladle. "Hmm. Needs more salt."
Nevermind she's just cooking.
-Back With the BFS (Best Friend Squad)-
Adora, Glimmer and Bow had finally arrived at the edge of the Whispering Wood and stood at the top of a sheer cliff overlooking the clouds.
"We're here!" Glimmer cried happily.
"Yaaay!" Adora cheered along with her. "...Where the fuck is here? Seriously. I'm confused. Why did we-" Bow suddenly shoved Glimmer right off the cliff. She plummeted into the clouds below as Adora screamed in horror. "OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU DO THAT-"
"Eh, she getting was annoying," Bow said with a shrug. "It's cool, you can be my new best friend."
"Is that what you DO after you're done with them? Is this how friendship works? I did NOT read the fine print-"
"Ugh, oh my God, now you're getting annoying," Bow said, rolling his eyes. "On second thought, I'm good." He leapt off the cliff as well.
"No wait I have questions-" Adora shouted after him as he disappeared from sight. "WHYYYYYY?!" she wailed, falling to her knees.
Laughter echoed up the cliff as Glimmer and Bow, perfectly unscathed, rose up through the clouds on a small floating island.
"Ohhhhh! We SO got you!"
"You should have seen the look on your face!" Bow held up his phone. "And you will, cuz I got it on film. Imma totally post this on Tiktok-"
"That was so fucked up, you guys," Adora stated. "...You gotta let me do it to our next friend."
"Come on, hop over!" Glimmer called, waving a hand invitingly.
"Okay, here I come!" Adora ran towards the edge of the cliff and jumped. "Hyaaa- huh?" She caught sight of the weird shadow out of the corner of her eye and twisted in midair, landing right on top of Glimmer with a thud.
"Ouch, I'd only give that a three out of ten," Bow said, wincing and holding up a scorecard. "Little shaky on the dismount, and you couldn't stick the landing. What happened there?" He shoved a microphone in her face.
"It's nothing, I thought I saw...I'm just off my game!" Adora sputtered, pushing it away. "Get those cameras out of my face!"
"We're never going to make the finals at this rate-"
"Okay, coach, back off-"
"Will you get OFF me?!" Glimmer shouted. The small island flew through the sky, taking them to Mystacor, a much larger island with grand buildings built on top of it. "So listen, my aunt can be a lot, but don't worry. I know how to handle her-"
"Is that my Glim-Glim?!" A woman with black hair and stately cloak and dress came running towards them, her arms open for a hug. "Make way! Auntie Train, coming in with a delivery of hugs! Choo chooooo!"
"Oh my GOD I can't take this you guys save me!" Glimmer cried, pushing the others in front of her.
"Do I...do I kill her?" Adora said, holding up her sword uncertainly.
"I'm just gonna...hold that for you for a bit," Bow said, confiscating the weapon.
"It's SO good to see you!" Castaspella lunged past them and pulled Glimmer into a crushing hug. "Hmm...seems like you put on a few more pounds, might wanna cut buck on the sweets-" She stepped away and studied the others. "And who is this?" she asked, noticing Adora.
"This is our new friend, Adora," Glimmer introduced.
"Hi," Adora said awkwardly. "I like punching shit."
"Aww, it's so nice that Glimmer has more friends," Castaspella cooed. "Especially one that is a bit more...masculine."
"Hey!" Bow cried. "Is this because I shave my legs?" He paused. "And paint my nails?" He paused again. "And pluck my eyebrows- okay I see what you mean."
"Not that it's a bad thing!" Castaspella went on quickly, then suddenly gasped. "Glimmer! Did you do something to your hair?"
"Yeah, I did," Glimmer said, puffing up with pride. "I'm glad you noticed-"
"Honey, it looks horrible, you look like a lesbian-"
"Oh my God! Bow, distraction!"
"I'm wearing the wool socks you knitted me!" Bow cried, hurriedly yanking off his boots.
"Okay, teacher's PET," Glimmer snorted. "Laying it on a lil thick, aren't you?"
"Good job, Bow!" Castaspella said, patting his head. "You get a gold star! Two more and you get a free ice-cream!"
"Wait what? That's not fair! I want one!"
"And the underwear you knitted me, too!" Bow added.
"...Are you kidding me?" Glimmer stared at him.
"No, my balls are super itchy and uncomfortable." Bow shifted and made a face. "I think I'm getting a rash. But I am GETTING that gold star-"
"Glimmer, why aren't you wearing yours?" her aunt asked. "Don't you like it?"
"Uh, well, you see-" Glimmer began.
"Oh right, it would probably give you a yeast infection, nevermind-"
"OKAY I want to LEAVE-"
"So what brings you all the way out here to visit your poor, lonely aunt?" Castaspella went on. She fixed Glimmer with a hard stare. "You...did want to come see me, right? And not just use our facilities?"
"Of course!" Glimmer said quickly. "We're on a diplomatic mission. I'm rebuilding the Princess alliance-"
"Sweetie, you're not going to get anyone to join if you don't learn to e-NUN-ciate-"
"Can we just take the fucking tour, PLEASE?!"
"Oh, alright, fine. Follow me." Castaspella lead them along past the elegant stone buildings, where a group of students were standing on the lawn, practicing magic. One of them was a boy with messy hair and a lightning shaped scar- wait what? "You came at the perfect time," Castaspella said excitedly. "There's an eclipse this evening. I'm headed to inspect the Lunarium for the ceremony. Would you like to come along?"
"There's really no need, auntie," Glimmer protested.
"Hey, that might be nice, Adora hasn't seen it yet," Bow said at exactly the same time. Glimmer frowned at him and shook her head. Bow raised his eyebrows and pouted. Glimmer started blinking morse-code with her eyes. Bow blinked back rapidly.
"Are you two...alright?" Castaspella asked cautiously. "Perhaps we should leave it up to your friend!"
Glimmer and Bow immediately turned to Adora, blinking rapidly and flashing hand signals. She just stared at them in confusion.
"...Yyyyyyes?" They both threw their hands up."Sorry, I don't speak best friend."
"You are learning, though," Bow said, touching her shoulder. Adora screamed and went for a karate chop, then stopped, her hand inches from his face.
"Oh, shit, sorry. That was 'affection', right?"
"...I shit myself," Bow whispered.
After a quick change, Castaspella led them all into a wide, circular room with a hole in the ceiling. Crystal-like spires rose up from the floor and hundreds of diamond-shaped lenses covered the walls.
"This the Lunarium, and these are the Lunar Lenses," Castaspella explained. "We use them every month to renew our magical defenses and keep us shielded from the outside world." She paused. "...And also to get free Wi-Fi. Fuck Spectrum. You all must come to the ceremony!"
"Uh, I'm not sure we can make it," Glimmer said uncertainly. "We're pretty busy, our schedule is totally booked. See?" She pulled out her daily planner and opened it to reveal a bunch of blank pages. "Oh shit, hold on, gimme a minute-" She pulled out a pen and started scribbling.
"Don't you want to spend time with your poor, lonely aunt?" Castaspella asked, hurt in her voice.
"Of course I do!" Glimmer assured her. "But we also really wanted to show Adora the beach so she can chill-"
"It's cool, we don't have to-" Adora began.
"You are seeing that FUCKING beach, Adora-"
"Okay, okay! Fine." Adora held up her hands in defeat. "Guess I'm not the only one here who needs to chill." She turned away, inspecting the delicate lenses. She leaned in close, peering at her reflection, and gasped as she saw a dark shadow behind-
"Hey, Adora!" Bow said, standing behind her, waving cheerfully.
"Oh hey Bow."
"What's up?"
"Nothing, just checking out these- what the FUCK is that?!" Adora gasped as another shadow streaked by and whirled around to chase it.
"Sweetie, you're running the wrong way!" Castaspella called after her. "The bathroom is to the left! Poor thing, she must really have to go. Glimmer, how about you? Do you have to go tinkle?"
"Uuuggghhhh..." Glimmer groaned, dragging her hands down her face.
Adora ran into a well-lit hallway, searching for the shadow. Around her were many tall statues and murals on the wall.
"This is the Hall of Sorcerers," Castaspella said as she and the others caught up. "These are the great ones who led us through the ages. Gandalf the Grey, Dumbledore-"
"Wait what-" Bow began.
"Hey, there's dad!" Glimmer cried, pointing at a noble statue of a man with a beard.
"Yes. This is Micah, my brother," Castaspella said wistfully. "Glimmer's father. Ohh, you look just like him!"
"...He had a beard."
"Exactly."
"Why do I even COME here-"
"Hold on...what?" Adora blinked. "Glimmer's dad...was your brother?"
"...Do you not know what 'aunt' means?" Bow asked with concern.
"Not really, no," Adora admitted. "I thought it was kind of weird that Glimmer had some sort of insect that was related to her."
"Girl, I am going to have to get you a dictionary."
"Oh, ew, no. I won't be needing a book about...those things."
"Okay now you're definitely getting a dictionary-"
"So tell me, how's your mother?" Castaspella asked. "Still marching about with her nose in the air, and you just stepped in dog poop?"
"Oh my God, finally! Something we agree on." Glimmer sighed with relief. "Lemme tell you what she did to me last week-"
"Give me those receipts, girl!" Castaspella said, snapping her fingers. "Pour that tea!"
"Aaaand you ruined it."
Adora noticed a veiled statue disfigured with scratches and spray-paint dicks.
"Hey, uh, what's up with her?"
"That's Light Spinner," Castaspella said, her face pinching. "A scar on our past. She sought power and complete control above all else...and so, she was cast out."
"What about him?" Adora pointed at another statue covered in toilet paper.
"He molested a few kids. Now, moving on-"
Castaspella pulled Glimmer and Bow along down the hallway. Adora continued to stare at the defaced statue, entranced. Suddenly its shadow lunged toward her, and she recoiled, gasping in terror.
"Quick, Adora, we gotta ditch my aunt-" Glimmer said, teleporting behind her. Adora shrieked, whirled around and ripped the head off a statue. "...Holy shit. You seriously need to chill. Let's get to the beach already so you can relax."
"You need warm sand and calming waves, stat!" Bow reached into his pocket and threw a handful of sand in her face, then dumped a bucket of sea water over her head. Adora stood there for a moment, hair plastered over her face, then spat out a mouthful of salt water. "...Feel better yet?"
"...Why would you have sand in your pocket?" Adora finally asked.
As her friends guided her off towards the beach, the evil shadow spy rose from the ground behind them, slithering over to-
*Squish!*
"Okay, who took a DUMP in the fucking hallway?!"
-Later That Day-
Adora, Glimmer and Bow stood at the beach, which turned out to be a wide expanse of hard, uncomfortable stone in front of a foamy pink cloud-ocean.
"So how does this work, exactly?" Adora asked as the other two lay down on towels. "I just lay down in the sun until the photosynthesis kicks in?"
"What?" Bow said. "No, we just-"
"Knock me out with one clean blow to the head?"
"Why would we-"
"Squeeze me in a choke hold until I pass out?"
"Oh my God, NO-"
"Didn't you do anything like this to relax in the Horde?" Glimmer asked.
"No, we hit things and screamed," Adora replied. "Hit things while screaming. The usual."
"You didn't ever do anything...different?"
"We also hit things that screamed. Usually Kyle."
"Well, forget all that," Glimmer told her. "This is SO much better. Right, Bow?"
"Hey, could you put suntan lotion on my coin slot?" Bow said, rolling over and pushing down his pants to expose his crack. "It burned last time I was here. The skin is, like, super delicate, so you'll have to really rub it in-"
"The things I do for friendship- look, just try it, okay Adora?" Glimmer begged. "Lay still and just...relax."
"Alright, fine," Adora said, laying down on her towel. "I'll try- NOPE." She immediately hopped back up. "Can't I just punch rocks or something?"
"Okay, this calls for drastic measures," Glimmer said seriously, sitting up. "It's time to get hot and sweaty."
"...Excuse me what-"
"I gotcha." Bow nodded in understanding. "We need to show her...the steam grotto."
"...I'm still not sure if this is a sexual reference or not-"
-At the Steam Grotto-
Adora stood with Glimmer and Bow in a large, steamy cavern with numerous waterfalls and warm pools to soak in.
"Wow," Adora said, impressed. "This is actually kind of nice-"
"I know, isn't it?" Bow said cheerfully. "Now take off all your clothes and jump in with us."
"I take that back this is awful-"
"He's just kidding," Glimmer chuckled, elbowing Bow in the ribs. "...Take off half your clothes and jump in with us."
"Can't I just get in fully clothed?" Adora said with exasperation.
"Whatever, you want floaties, too? Just GET IN."
They all piled into a pool, sitting around the edge.
"These pools are filled with magical healing minerals," Glimmer explained. "Sorcerers use them to cleanse themselves of worry and fear...also when they're hungover." They glanced over at another pool where a guy with shades was taking a dip.
"Piss off I have class in an hour."
"...Is that Snape?" Bow whispered.
"Anyway," Glimmer coached, gently lowering Adora into the water, "just relax and breathe...let your body go...perfectly oh my GOD she's drowning she doesn't know how to SWIM Bow help me quick-"
Several panicked moments and five full minutes of CPR later, Adora sat perched on the edge of the pool, her feet dangling in the water.
"...It's better than nothing, right?" Glimmer said.
"My toes are getting all pruney," Adora grumbled, then yelped as she saw the shadow again, pulling out her sword and waving it about. "Look, there! It's Shadow Weaver! She's here!"
"Adora what the hell!" Bow cried. "You brought your sword in here? How did you get it back? And where did you hide it?!"
"Come sit down," Glimmer said sternly.
"No, seriously, where did you hide it? I swear to God you didn't have it a second ago-"
"Now, tell us what's going on-"
"...Was it in your vagina?"
"BOW, ENOUGH!"
"I'm telling you guys, Shadow Weaver is here!" Adora argued. "I saw her in the Hall of Sorcerers, and on the island when I jumped-"
"I knew you wouldn't flub a jump like that on purpose!" Bow cried, slapping the water. "We can still buckle down and win this trophy-"
"Okay, slow down," Glimmer cut in. "Who is Shadow Weaver?"
"She's...kinda like my evil mom," Adora said quietly. "She raised me in the Horde. She taught me how to read and tie my boots and snap a man's neck in three seconds and all the other important things kids learn."
"IIIIII'm not sure-" Bow began.
"Adora, listen to me," Glimmer interrupted. "She's NOT here, okay? She was NEVER here. It isn't possible!" She huffed in irritation. "I'm banning you from Perfuma's brownies, they make you too paranoid."
"It've over now, Adora," Bow said gently. "You're safe with us. Wanna try something else to relax? I can give you a full-body massage-"
"I will break all of your fingers if you touch me," Adora told him with deathly calm.
"...Can I throw sand at you again-"
"I'm alright, you guys, really," Adora assured them. "I just need to be alone for a minute to calm down and settle my raging blood lust."
"I'm sorry blood WHAT-"
"It's cool, just don't make eye contact or any threatening movements I might interpret as an attack- where are you going?" Glimmer and Bow had began slinking towards the entrance. "Wait you can't show weakness either you'll trigger my predator response-" They started to run. "NO WAIT RUNNING IS EVEN WORSE-" Struggling to control herself, Adora slumped over at the pool's edge with a sigh, then perked up as she heard frantic whispering from around the corner.
"Holy shit! Adora's totally lost it!" Glimmer hissed. "Did you see her in there? That bitch is nuts! Also her ass is, like, way bigger than I thought it was."
"Oh my God, I know," Bow agreed. "I can't tell what's louder, her horrible fashion sense, or them cheeks clappin-"
"I do SQUATS!" Adora shouted, storming over to the door, only to find it empty. "Wait...what? But...I heard...I'm not crazy!
"Can you keep it down?" the man said from the other pool. "I'm drinking a restorative potion over here."
"That's a Bud Lite," Adora snapped at him.
"Is not!" He quickly thrust his beer bottle into the pool, then scowled as it dispersed. "Son of a witch!" He paused for a long moment, then bent and took a long slurp of water.
"Aren't you supposed to be sobering up?"
"Go fuck a troll I have POTTER in my class-"
"I don't FUCKING know these references!"
-Later, With Adora-
Unable to shake off her unease, Adora had returned to the Light Spinner statue in the Hall of Sorcerers, staring up at it anxiously.
"Come on, girl, pull it together," she muttered to herself. "There's no way Shadow Weaver could be here. You're seeing things." She froze as her shadow slowly rose from the floor, a glowing red eye glaring at her. "...That's just a trick of the light." The shadow hissed, the sound echoing through the room. "...That's just the wind." It started towards her menacingly. "...That's just a shitty hidden camera show about to Punk me-" The shadow knocked her to the ground. "OUCH okay nevermind it's real it's definitely real- for the Honor of Grayskull!" She transformed into She-blah and readied her sword as disembodied voices babbled from the shadows.
"Heyyy, Adora. Miss me yet? Who am I kidding, of course you do-"
"Catra? What are you doing here?! How did you find me?" She-blah paused. "Do I have treats in my pocket or something-" She heard footsteps running off down the hall. "Hey! Get back here! Psspsspss!" She followed them into the Lunarium, then stopped short as another voice spoke.
"How's my number one student doing?" Hordak asked. "Or rather...former number one. I had such high hopes for you...but now...it looks like you're flunking."
"No!" She-blah cried in dismay. "All that extra credit I did! My GPA!"
"Speaking of failure," Hordak went on, "do you really think you can lead the Rebellion against ME? The only place you can lead them is...detention."
"I know what you're up to!" She-blah said. "You're trying to bait me into breaking these lenses! Well, I will never-" A spider scuttled across one of them. "OH MY FUCK DIE BITCH-" She-blah screamed and flailed about with her sword, destroying dozens of the mirrors before she stopped, panting. "...Oh shit. That's, like, a million years of bad luck. This can't possibly get ANY worse-"
Castaspella suddenly walked in, stopping short and gaping in horror at the destruction.
"NEVERMIND IT FUCKING CAN."
"What? Whaaat?" Castaspella cried in shock.
"...There was a spider," She-blah said lamely.
"Well did you at least get it?!"
"Uhhhhh..."
"That's it!" Castaspella sputtered in fury. "Fifty points from Gryffindor!"
"Gryffin-who?"
"What's going on? I heard a Harry Potter reference!" Bow and Glimmer rushed in as Adora changed back to normal.
"Your friend just destroyed a thousand years of our writing!" Castaspella said angrily. "She could have destroyed the lenses that protect this place! Or worse, the ones that give us Wi-fi! And she didn't even get the spider."
"I'm sure she didn't mean- wait, SPIDER? WHERE?!" Bow yelped and leapt into Adora's arms. "I mean...you have a good explanation for this, right?"
"Of course I do!" Adora huffed. "I was fighting the evil shadow of my abusive mother that's been following me around all day and talking to the voices in my head-"
"Okay stop talking."
"This is the kind of person you hang out with?!" Castaspella said incredulously.
"She's a good person!" Glimmer argued.
"I dunno if it's the pot brownies or that joint I ate, you guys, I just-"
"SERIOUSLY STOP."
"That's it! I'm calling your mother right now!" Castaspella spun on her heel and stormed off.
"...Wait for it," Glimmer said, standing with arms crossed.
"Glimmer, sweetie, you'll have to help me," Castaspella said, walking back with her phone in hand. "How do I use this again?"
"Aaaand there it is."
"Adora, the Horde isn't here," Bow said, still in her arms. "You need to sleep. Promise me you'll try?"
"Okay." Adora gave a heavy sigh. "...But you might have to hold a pillow over my face until I pass out."
"That's what friends are FOR," Bow said gently.
-Even Later That Day-
Sometime later, Adora was attempting to rest in an empty room, splayed out on a large bed. On the table beside her was a glass of warm milk and she had her eyes closed, earphones on as she listened to soothing music. The door creaked open and Glimmer walked in.
"Oh thank God you're here!" Adora cried, sitting up. "Is there any way we can get some sheep in here so I can throw them over a fence or whatever-"
"Save it, Adora," Glimmer cut her off sharply. "I can't believe you did this. You were supposed to be our friend."
"...I am your friend," Adora protested. "Look, Bow made me a certificate and everything-" She pulled out a piece of construction paper covered in glitter and stickers.
"Yeah, well, maybe you should have that revoked. Or...you should just LEAVE. This friendship isn't working out." Glimmer spun around and stalked to the door, looking back over her shoulder. "Also, I faked every hug." She slammed the door shut after her.
Adora gasped, clutching her chest in hurt and fell back on the bed, defeated. Outside in the hallway, Glimmer suddenly morphed back into the evil shadow-spy and scurried away into the-
*Squish!*
"...I blame Potter," the man from the sauna stated, scraping his shoe on the floor, then took a hit from a small flask and walked on.
-Later-
Meanwhile, the magical ceremony had begun in the Lunarium, Castaspella standing in the middle of the room, chanting spells. Bow and Glimmer stood to the side with the rest of the crowd, waiting.
"Is Adora coming?" Glimmer asked expectantly.
"I didn't wanna bother her. She needs rest," Bow said. "Also, the last time I tried to wake her up she started strangling me-"
"Oh my God, I told you, just poke her with a broomstick-"
Castaspella's hands glowed as she raised the Lunar Lenses to catch a beam of rainbow light from the hole in the ceiling. Suddenly shadows boiled up around her, filling the room and corrupting the lenses.
"The Dementors are attacking!" someone shouted from the back.
"Shut up, Harry!" Castaspella barked. A huge shadow with a single glowing eye rose up, looming over everyone. "Quick, where's the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor?!"
Everyone turned to stare at the man from the sauna.
"I'm the fucking Potions teacher!" he snapped irritably. "Also, I'm shit-faced." He took another sip from his flask, then promptly fell over.
"Should I use my Patronus?" Bow looked at Glimmer.
"Hey, come suck my soul out or whatever!" she shouted impatiently.
"It's Beyonce," he whispered.
"LIKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW PLEASE!"
-With Adora-
Outside, Adora was slowly walking away from Mystacor, head hanging low and feed dragging. Suddenly she heard screams from the large dome behind her and turned to find Bow running up.
"Hey, Adora!" he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her along. "For no apparent reason, let's leave. Like right the fuck now. In fact, let's run!"
"Wait! What's going on?" Adora demanded, pulling free. "Why is everyone screaming?"
"They're...all having a party! Because they're glad you're leaving! Let's ditch these bitches!"
"Wait a second...if people were being mean to me, you'd be wearing a cheerleading outfit and waving pompoms while I beat them up! What's going on here?" Adora stared at him suspiciously. "Tell me...does this mean anything to you?!" She whipped out her Friendship Certificate and shoved it in his face.
"Eugh, who the fuck made that, a Kindergartener?" he said. Adora gasped.
"Oh God! You're not Bow!" She paused for a moment. "Also, your ass is all wrong. Bow's is much perkier. I know, he let me squeeze it-"
"Don't be silly, of course I'm Bow!" the imposter protested, holding out a hand. "How about a friendly handshake?"
Adora screamed and slapped his hand away, then spun around and dashed back to the large building, charging inside to the Lunarium. There she found everyone collapsed on the floor, unconscious.
"What the fuck, you guys? You threw this awesome party and didn't even invite me?" she huffed. "I swear to God if Bow was handing out free lap-dances- okay he's still wearing clothes we can work through this."
"Adoraaaa..." Shadow Weaver floated in the middle of the room, surrounding her with shadows.
"You guys even had a Shadow Weaver pinata?! No fair!" Adora pulled out her sword. "I am gonna beat SO much candy outta you-"
"ADORA NO-" Shadow Weaver nervously cleared her throat. "I mean...I'm here to pick you up. I know you had a fun time with your new friends, but now it's time for you to come home. It's...past your bedtime."
"Shadow Weaver!" Adora cried, nearly dropping her sword in shock. "You ARE here! I knew I wasn't crazy! I'm not going anywhere with you!"
"Uh-oh, someone's grouchy. Do you need a nap?"
"Sneeerrrk- huh, wha?" Adora snapped awake and shook her head. "I'm not sleepy! Stop treating me like a child!"
"Listen to me, sweetie," Shadow Weaver hissed, slithering closer. "You can't trust these people. When I was here as Light Spinner-" (Adora gasped) "-the Sorting Hat tried to put me in Hufflepuff. Fucking HUFFLEPUFF! We all know I belong in Slytherin!"
"I...still don't understand these references. But fuck it! For the Honor of Grayskull!" Adora held up her sword, attempting to transform. The gem flashed weakly. "Oh Godammit I forgot to plug it in while I was trying to sleep now it's on low battery-"
"Don't try and fool yourself," Shadow Weaver went on, pressing in all around her with shadows. "You are the ambitious, ruthless cutthroat I raised you to be!" She paused heavily. "Now...do you want to be a good girl and get dessert or not?"
"I will NEVER- what kind of dessert?"
"A healthy bran muffin with plenty of fiber to aid in digestion-"
"Fuck that! I have Chocolate Sundae nights with Glimmer and Bow every Sunday! No deal!"
"The Princesses don't care about you, they just want to USE you!" Shadow Weaver spat. "...Now return with me to the Fright Zone and do everything I say-"
"NO! You're wrong!" Adora pulled out her Friendship Certificate and brandished it proudly. "They ARE my friends and I have the paperwork to prove it! You're the one who used me! I'll stop you!"
"Don't you talk back to me!" Shadow Weaver snapped. "Mystacor is done for anyway. The eclipse will be over in moments and then this place will fall. I'm putting you in timeout until then!" She struck at Adora with her shadows. Adora's sword became a golden shield and repelled the attack.
"Oh, shit!" she cried. "Cool, I have protection now! It's even ribbed for my pleasure- why is Bow chuckling in his sleep? Must be having a funny dream. Anyway!" She leapt and began climbing up the crystal pillars, the shadows following after her.
"Get down from there this instant!" Shadow Weaver hissed furiously.
"No!" Adora ignored her, continuing to climb.
"I said get down!"
"Make me!" Adora reached a platform at the top of the room where she faced off against the huge, looming Shadow Weaver.
"You have until the count of three!" she boomed. "...One! ...Two!"
"THREE, BITCH!" Adora shouted, using her shield to reflect the sunlight and blast away the darkness. Shadow Weaver screeched and was thrown back, disappearing in a puff of smoke. Everyone began to wake up as Mystacor's magical defenses returned.
"Adora, what happened?! Are you okay?" Glimmer and Bow rushed over to Adora, hugging her fiercely.
"Hey, guys. I had a big fight with my mom," Adora said. "Is it cool if I crash at your place for a while?"
"Of course it is!" Glimmer laughed.
"I'm SO sorry we didn't believe you!" Bow said tearfully. "We're...bad friends! I'm gonna have to ask for that Friendship Certificate back-"
"Yeah no I'm never giving it back." Adora clutched it to her chest protectively, then stuffed it into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. "There. Now it will be with me...forever."
"Aww, Adora," Bow cooed. "That's so sweet." He paused. "And creepy." He paused again. "Mostly creepy."
"Please tell me you used non-toxic markers," Glimmer said.
"Is everything alright over here?" Castaspella asked, hurrying up to them.
"I'm sorry, it's my fault Shadow Weaver was here," Adora said, looking down in shame. "I endangered you all."
"Oh, nonsense!" Castaspella scoffed. "We get attacked once a week anyway, thanks to a certain someone."
"Hey!" The nerdy kid with glasses and lightning-shaped scar scowled.
"Anyway, you saved us," she went on. "However can I repay you? I know, I'll knit you a sweater! What size are you in the shoulders?"
"Well it differs really- actually I think I'd prefer a lap dance."
"You got it!" Bow started pulling off his shirt. "Glimmer, glitter me."
-Later That Day-
The Best Friend Squad had returned to the cloud beach, laying out on towels yet again. Bow and Glimmer smiled at Adora, who lay between them, finally sleeping.
"Aww, look at her," Bow said with a happy sigh. "So peaceful..." Adora suddenly started screaming and thrashing. "So serene..."
"I think she's waking up, get the pillow," Glimmer said.
"On it," Bow said, moving to hold it over her face.
-Back in the Fright Zone-
Back in the Fright Zone, Catra popped her head into Shadow Weaver's lair.
"Hey, is dinner done yet? I'm fucking hungry." She tutted at the sight of the Sorceress collapsed on the floor. "You have GOT to stop drinking." She walked closer and gazed into the cauldron. "You've been going about this all wrong, Shadow Weaver," she said, smirking to herself. "If you want to take down Adora...you have to go for the heart."
The swirling contents of the cauldron settled to form an image of Bow- OH MY GOD DONT YOU DARE HURT HIM I LOVE HIM STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY!
-End Episode 7-