"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

John 1:5

"You've already won me over, Sodapop. So we don't have to dance like this."

Soda held Penny closer to him, arms wrapped around her waist, as his feet moved slowly to the music coming from the jukebox. "But I want to."

Penny rested her head on Soda's chest, humming the rhythmic notes of the song, as she swayed along with him. "Me too."

Soda pressed a kiss to the top of Penny's blond head. "I love you, and I want to keep holding you just like this."

"So how's it going, Maryanne? You and Darry here staying hot for each other or what?"

Darry elbowed TwoBit hard in the ribs. "Take your 'two bits' somewhere else, Keith."

TwoBit only smiled, ignoring both the physical and verbal jab from his friend, as he again spoke to Maryanne. "He's a great guy, ain't he? I'm telling you, you want to hang onto this one."

Maryanne looked over at Darry, as she nodded, a smile overcoming her face. "Oh. Believe me, I intend to."

"I can't believe this is what I'm calling fun on a Saturday night."

Nicholas replied to Steve, as he dropped each of the five dice into the red shaker cup. "We don't have to play this, Son. We can do something else."

Steve heard the rattle of the dice, as his dad shook them around, then let them scatter onto the Yahtzee board. "Nah. It's all right, Dad. This is as fun as you know how to be."

"Hey, I'm fun! We could play a different game."

"Watch out, everybody. My dad's about to break out the Scrabble board any minute."

"Well, what do you want to do? We could go watch one of those drag races or-"

Steve laughed at the image that had formed in his mind's eye.

"What's so funny?"

"I just pictured you at a drag race, and I swear that thought made my night."

An empty pill bottle on the floor.

Eyes closed.

No answer.

I didn't even hear the phone ring. I slept right through it, caught in the dream of what I feared most.

A body that's still.

Too still.

"Little buddy, I have to talk to you."

I opened my eyes to see Darry kneeling beside me, about to deliver the news that would make me dive into the protective shell of denial.

"I'll see you after the ceremony, Sodapop."

Soda stood with Penny, who was dressed in her blue graduation cap and gown. "You look gorgeous. You know that?"

Penny saw Soda's hand touch her tassel, before it moved to tuck some loose strands of hair behind her ear. "Thank you. I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too." Soda leaned forward, his lips catching Penny's in a quick kiss, before he spoke once more. "You're going to be the most beautiful girl who gets to walk across that stage tonight. I can't wait to see you, and I just want to say congratulations, Penny. Congratulations from the bottom of my heart."

"You know it doesn't really matter to me what we do, right, Dad?"

Nicholas eyed the combination of dice he'd just rolled, before looking at Steve, a grin on his face. "Of course I do, Son."

Steve looked at the score sheet, as he picked up the shaker cup, fingers moving over the rounded ridges. "Let's go out."

"Out where?"

"Just anywhere."

"I thought it didn't matter what we do."

"It doesn't. But I just- I want to go somewhere."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. I just want to get out of the house for a while."

"We could go have dinner. That sound all right?"

"Yeah." Steve picked up the dice and put them in the shaker cup, his eyes then meeting Nicholas'. "That sounds great, Dad."

"Penny Anne Jacobs."

Soda sat in the row right behind Penny's parents, watching her go toward the stage and up the small stairs. He smiled wide when she glided across it, his heart swelling with pride, as it also squeezed in regret.

"Nicholas called because Steve is in the hospital. He thought you should know."

My big brother was holding onto me so tight.

"He's going to be fine. You got that?"

I already knew what must've happened.

"Tell me he didn't, Dar. Please. Maybe there was an accident. Maybe-"

Because nothing was more painful for me than thinking my best friend could be in enough pain to hurt himself on purpose.

"Sodapop, he overdosed. And it made him very sick, but he called Nicholas not that long after. He took him to the hospital."

The word 'overdosed.' Even with what I'd already known, I couldn't accept it.

"No, he wasn't supposed to do that. It wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to hurt himself."

He was supposed to talk to Laura or to his dad. He was supposed to talk to me.

"Listen to me. He's okay. Nicholas got him help in time."

How was he okay? This wasn't okay! In time? You mean before he-

"No. No, Darry. You're wrong. Nicholas is wrong. Steve was trying. He wouldn't."

But he did. Even as I tried to deny it, I knew Darry was telling me the truth, and I knew once I started crying, I would never be able to stop.

"We're not wrong, little buddy. It wasn't as bad as it could've been, from what Nicholas told me. But Steve did take too much of some medication."

Darry's hands were on each side of my face, and I'd held onto his wrists, as it finally sunk in. Overdose. Medication. Steve took too many pills. He meant to take too many pills.

"But he's going to be okay? Is he awake?"

I had to hear Darry tell me again that Steve would be okay. I needed to let that sink into my spirit.

"He's resting. He got very sick, but he was conscious. He's going to be all right. I need you to hear that."

I did hear it. Even as I started to fall to the floor, and Darry's arms caught me, holding me while I wept.

"I'm sorry, Pepsi Cola. I hated to tell you. I know you've been so scared. But the worst didn't happen, okay?"

Steve was alive. My best friend wasn't dead.

"What do I do, Darry? What can I do?"

What could I say to him? How could I stop this from happening again? How could I make sure Steve knew I was there for him?

"What you always do. Be there. Just love him, and be the damn amazing friend you always are."

But I'd been doing that. I'd listened to him and cried with him. I'd told him I loved him. But this happened anyway. The threat of tragic loss had still swept in and turned my fears into reality.

"I'll get it, Dad."

Nicholas started to protest, as Steve reached for the check that had been placed on the table between them. "You don't have to do that, Son. I can take care of it."

Steve picked up the restaurant bill, scanning it for the total, as he took out his wallet. "No. I want to."

Nicholas reached for his own wallet, as he finished off the glass of tea in front of him. "Well, at least let me leave the tip."

Steve slid the bills and change out of his now-open wallet, putting them on top of the check. "All right. But I've got the rest. You do everything for me, Dad. So let me do something for you."

"You looked great up there, sweetheart."

Penny smiled, as Soda snapped a picture of her, the couple now among the crowd that had gathered outside the gym once the ceremony concluded. "It felt great too. Even though things aren't quite how I planned, I'm still excited to be done."

Soda looked down at the camera in his hands, as he gave Penny a grin. "Yeah. And I'm excited for you. You deserve to have everything you want."

Penny looked around, her eyes searching within her cap-and-gown clad peers, before she spotted Kathy. She waved to her best friend, then gave Soda a kiss on the cheek. "I'm going to go catch up with Kathy, okay?"

"Of course it's okay. She's your best friend."

"I think I'm going to talk to my parents tomorrow. I'll let you know when I do."

"Hey, man. I didn't know you were coming over."

Soda sat on the Randles' front porch swing, as Steve came up the steps. "Yeah. Penny went to hang out with Kathy after the ceremony, and I didn't feel like going home yet."

Steve joined Soda on the swing, at the same time Nicholas was making his way over from the car. "Yeah. Me and my dad went out to eat. I got tired of being at home."

Nicholas stepped onto the porch, raising an eyebrow at Steve. "Don't listen to him, Sodapop. He just got tired of me beating him at Yahtzee."

Steve was quick with a reply, unable to keep the smile off his face. "I don't think winning Yahtzee is anything to brag about, Dad."

Nicholas opened the front door, as he chuckled. "Oh, yeah? I'll just have to beat your butt at Scrabble later on then."

Steve watched his dad go inside, before turning back to Soda. "So how did everything go tonight?"

Soda looked out into the front yard, where the darkness had already fallen. "It was fine."

"Oh. Okay."

"Me and Penny had our date first, you know. Talked about stuff a little bit. I told her I could talk to her parents with her."

"Does she want you to do that?"

"Nope. Sure doesn't. She looked real good on that stage tonight, Stevie. You'd never even know anything is going on either."

"Penny always sounds like she's pretty confident, no matter what."

"She is. She's still real excited and all. She doesn't even seem worried about what to do or how to tell her parents. When I tried to say it's my responsibility, she told me we both made the decision to be together."

"She ain't the kind of girl to put it all on you cause she's pregnant."

"No. She's not. She's just so certain about everything in all of this, it makes me wish I could be like that."

"You know what it sounds like Penny has, buddy?"

"What?"

"Something bigger than confidence or certainty. It sounds like she has faith."

"What happened? What's wrong?"

I'd stayed in Darry's arms and sobbed. I didn't even try to answer Pony's questions.

"Hang on, Pony. I'll come talk to you in a few minutes."

I knew Darry had been crying too. I'd felt it as he held me, and I could hear it in his voice.

"Darry, did something happen with Steve? Why does Soda look like that? I haven't seen him like this since-"

Pony hadn't seen me so upset since our parents died.

"Yes. Yes, it did. But it's going to be okay. I promise."

I'd felt Pony's head lay against my shoulder, as I kept crying. I couldn't bear to look up.

"Please tell me, Dar. Please tell me what happened. He's okay, right?"

What would I have been like if he wasn't? What would I have been like it Steve hadn't made it?

"Yes, he's okay. I'm going to tell you. Just not right now. But I promise I will tonight."

But I never wanted to let go of Darry. I never wanted my big brother to let me go because I knew his arms were my shelter from the feelings that were ready and waiting to swallow me up.

"So are you ever going to tell me what's going on?"

Soda heard Pony's voice break into his thoughts, as he pulled back the covers on his bed, then settled himself against a pair of pillows. "What do you mean, Pone?"

Pony climbed into the bed with his middle brother, so that they were side-by-side. "I mean I know there's been something happening the last few days. I even asked Steve about it a couple nights ago, and he told me it's yours to tell."

"He's right. It is."

"So what is it then? Are you okay?"

Soda gave his little brother a grin, as he nodded. "Yeah. I'm okay. It's- it's nothing like that." He sighed then, the grin disappearing at the same time he looked down at his hands. "Penny's pregnant, Pone. She told me on Wednesday."

"Pregnant? You mean she's going to have a baby?"

"Yeah. That's usually what that word means."

"But wait a minute. Soda, does that mean you're going to marry her and leave?"

"No. We ain't getting married."

"So what's going to happen then? If Penny's having a baby, won't you need to-"

"No. Cause she's not keeping it. She's giving the kid up for adoption."

"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense."

"I tried to change her mind. I even proposed."

"Does Darry know about all this?"

"Yeah. He was the first one I told."

"Man, I'm surprised he didn't blow a gasket."

"He did a little bit. But I think when he heard we were, uh, actually being responsible and that Penny's giving up the baby, it cooled him off."

"Would you really marry her, Soda?"

"Yeah. I sure would."

"But she didn't want to?"

"No. Even when I asked, I knew that, but I did it anyway."

"I'm sorry. That must've hurt."

"It did. It hurt a whole lot."

"You want her to keep the baby?"

"Yeah, Pone. I really do. She's so sure too. But I- I guess I just haven't been able to come around to accepting it yet."

"Before I say anything else up here today, I believe congratulations are in order."

Steve's gaze locked with Samuel's, who stood at the podium in front of the church's congregation. "Aw, don't do that here, preacher guy. I thought you liked me."

Samuel chuckled, as he flipped the Bible open to the page where he'd tucked his notes. "I do, Steve. So I want to tell you congratulations in front of everyone here."

Soda sat on the pew beside Steve, grinning as he put a hand on his best friend's shoulder. "Yep, everybody. Steve graduated from high school on Friday night!"

Nicholas, who was on Steve's other side, laughed at his son's red face. "About time you're the one who gets embarrassed."

Steve opened the Bible in his lap, feeling the blush in his cheeks, as he heard a chorus of 'congratulations' from around the sanctuary. "I'm not embarrassed, Dad."

Samuel spoke once more, his gaze once again catching Steve's. "I know it's something you've probably heard a lot lately, especially from your dad, but I'm proud of you too. Even if you don't really want me to say it in front of everybody."

Steve heard a soft ripple of laughter and smiled, despite the flush still in his cheeks. "No. I didn't want you to say it in front of everybody. But it's okay that you did. I'm sure I'll find a way to get you back for it later."

"So what do you think Steve has in mind?"

Soda sat on the far end of the altar, his head bowed, as he replied to Samuel. "Huh? Oh. There's no tellin'."

Samuel took a seat beside Soda, glancing over at the others who remained in the sanctuary, before putting his focus completely on the young man next to him. "Is there something I can pray for with you?"

"Yeah. But I can't tell you all of it. Not yet."

"That's okay."

"It's just that it's something to do with my girlfriend, Penny, and not a lot of people know what's going on."

"That's fine, Sodapop. I can still pray about it with you, whatever it is. Is there anything you can tell me that you need right now?"

"I guess I need peace about- about some stuff I'm having a hard time with. I mean, I need to feel better about it than I do now anyway."

Samuel put a hand on Soda's back, as he bowed his head. "All right."

"Sorry I can't say more than that. It ain't that I don't trust you or anything. It's just that Penny-"

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me everything for us to be able to pray about it together."

"I have to see him, Dar. I can't do anything else til I do."

I'd done nothing but cry all night. I needed to see Steve, even if I wasn't sure how it would go.

"Nicholas told me what floor he's on last night. He'll be there all day today."

But he had to go home soon, right? Since he was okay?

"And then he can go home?"

I couldn't imagine seeing him in the hospital for long.

"Not so soon. Not after something like this."

Not after he'd done this to himself intentionally.

"This is so damn hard. I want to see him, but I'm scared too. Like I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do. Like everything is different now."

That's because everything was different. When Steve overdosed, life changed for him the most, but it also changed for those of us who love him.

Soda felt a hand slip into his own, as Samuel was still praying. He opened his eyes to see Steve on his other side.

Steve met Soda's gaze, as he squeezed the hand he now held, before silently bowing his head.

Soda saw Steve's eyes close, hearing Samuel's fervent voice in one ear, as his best friend's lips began to move, joining in on the prayer.

"Mom? Dad? I have to talk to you about something, and before you say anything, I need you to listen to all of it first."

"It was fun seeing your face get all red like that, Stevie."

Steve rolled his eyes, as he gave Soda's shoulder a shove. "Yeah. You looked like you were having fun, man."

Soda leaned on the counter, seeing Steve move around the Curtis' kitchen, his eyes looking into a cabinet. "What are you doin'?"

Steve took down a small container, along with a pair of mugs. "What's it look like? I'm making us some hot chocolate."

"Why?"

Steve turned on the sink, filling both mugs with hot water. "Cause you seem like you need it."

"I do?"

"Yeah."

"I wouldn't think you'd drink that when it's summer."

Steve shrugged, as he spooned brown powder into the mugs and stirred. "Well, if I'm making you some, I ain't leaving you to drink it alone."

Soda took the warm mug Steve handed him. "Why do you think I need it?"

Steve stirred the hot liquid in his own mug, making it swirl around. "I just think so. You always say it's soothing, right?"

"Yeah. Cause it is." Soda sipped the hot chocolate for a few moments, its warmth bringing him a calm feeling. "Do you think I need this cause I was praying with Samuel?"

"Yeah. That's one thing, I guess." Steve held up his mug, clinking it against Soda's, as he gave his best friend a grin. "Cheers, man. Don't worry so much about why cause you've said it yourself that I can read you like a book. So let's just drink to that."

"What were you thinking, Penny? What was he thinking? The two of you had no business having sex in the first place."

"I love Sodapop, Daddy. That's what I was thinking. We're both eighteen, so we can make our own choices."

"Honey, you do realize that once you go through this pregnancy, it's not going to be easy to hand this baby off to someone else?"

"I realize that, Mom. But I can do it. I know I can. Just as long as the baby will be with someone who wants it and will have what it needs."

"Do you also realize it'll still be next fall before you can go to college?"

"Yes, Daddy. I do. And that's okay with me. My scholarship and everything aren't going anywhere. After the baby's born, I can still go after my dream."

"I'm sorry this happened."

I didn't know what else I could say to Nicholas.

"I just keep telling myself he's alive. He's going to be okay."

When Nicholas hugged me, I held onto him so tight, knowing he had to be hurting the worst.

"I cried all night. But I didn't even believe Darry at first. It was like I couldn't. I didn't want to."

Even standing there in that hospital, I still didn't want to believe it.

"I didn't want to either. Steve called me, and even when he said he did something he shouldn't have, I tried to look for another reason he'd say that, some other reason he would be so sick."

Just like I'd wanted to believe what Darry was telling me was somehow wrong.

"Do you know what happened? Do you know why he- why he didn't call one of us or-"

Why hadn't Steve called his dad, like the time before? Why hadn't he come to the DX, where he knew I was, instead of getting pills to end his life.

"I haven't asked anything like that yet. He feels really bad. Really guilty. I want to know what was going on yesterday that made him feel like that, but I don't want to get into too much when he's trying to recover physically too."

I wasn't going to ask him that yet either. The last thing he needed was to feel worse.

"I don't know what to say to him."

I had so many questions and feelings, but I didn't want to risk hurting my best friend.

"He just needs to know you're still here."

Of course I was still there. I'd be there for Steve, no matter what. That was one thing that hadn't changed.

"Is this your way of getting me to talk?"

Steve sat on Soda's bedroom floor, the two of them across from each other, as they drank the hot chocolate. "Maybe."

Soda looked down at the brown liquid that had begun to cool off, losing some of its soothing warmth. "But I'm fine, Stevie."

"And I want you to keep being able to say that, Soda."

"Don't worry. I will."

Steve sighed, looking down at his own mug, as he decided to be honest in an effort to get Soda to follow suit. "I'm getting worried about you, man. I can't help it."

"Nothing's happening though."

"How is nothing happening? Buddy, you've told me you get anxious about relapsing. You zone out like you're thinking awful hard, and you said it's cause something is hitting you all over again. You're having panic attacks-"

"I had one panic attack. And I already said I don't want you to push me about that. So don't do it."

"Do you even see what you're doing?"

"Getting pissed off at you?"

"No. You're getting the way you would before when you wouldn't tell the truth about the flashbacks and the suicidal thoughts."

"No, I'm not. Don't act like I'm not telling you the truth when I am! I'm fine, Steve. What? Do you want me to not be?"

"Of course I want you to be fine, Soda. I just want it to be real too. And with everything else, plus Penny and the baby-"

"Don't! Don't talk about that!"

Steve moved closer to Soda, taking him by the shoulders. "I'm just telling you I'm worried about you, buddy. I want you to see what I'm seeing, okay? I don't want to hurt you."

"But you are. You're hurting me real bad right now."

"I'm sorry. That's not what I'm trying to do. You know it's not. I just don't want you to go where you did a couple of months ago, man. I don't want you to get anywhere near it."

"I don't want to go there again either."

Steve studied Soda's face, seeing the hurt that was so clear in his eyes and expression, as he squeezed his shoulders in reassurance. "Please don't be mad at me."

Soda turned away from Steve, still feeling his best friend's touch. "I'm not."

"Do you see what I'm saying though, buddy?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"You don't gotta keep apologizin'."

Steve reached for Soda's mug of hot chocolate, handing it to him. "Here. I know you need it now."

Soda lifted the mug to his lips, drinking the chocolate that was only slightly warm.

Steve was quiet for a little while, just sitting at Soda's side, a hand on his back.

"I get why you said something, Stevie. I would too. Cause I guess a lot is happening. But I'm not trying to keep it all inside or anything, like before. I know that won't make it go away or get better."

"You're seeing Dr. Morgan tomorrow after work, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm coming with you."

"But don't you have Laura?"

"No. We moved my appointments to Wednesday, so I can work a little later on Monday's. And well, I thought maybe the middle of the week would be good for me too."

"But you don't have to come, Stevie. I'm not asking you to."

"No. I'm just saying I am. You've got a lot of stuff to tell her, and I want to be there for you after."

"You can always tell me if you need somebody with you too when you see Laura."

"I know that, man."

"I mean, even if I'm working, I could come right after I get off."

"Thanks, buddy. I'll tell you if I need somebody. I promise."

"I do have a lot to tell her tomorrow, don't I?"

"Yeah. That's why I'll be there."

Soda turned, so that he was facing Steve. "I really am okay. Maybe not exactly fine, but not terrible either."

Steve pulled Soda close, giving him a quick hug, before he spoke again. "Okay. I just want to keep the door open, you know? I start getting scared when you say there's nothing going on or other stuff like that. But I won't push you anymore."

"Stevie, don't you know if I do get to struggling that much, you're the first person I'll go to? I told you about the panic attack, didn't I? I told you about Penny and everything too. Sure, yeah, there's some stuff I'm thinking about I haven't been able to tell you yet. But I'm not shoving anything down or saying it ain't there."

"Will you tell Dr. Morgan what you're thinking about?"

"Yeah. I will."

Steve reached for his own mug of hot chocolate, drinking it despite the lack of warmth. "Soda, can I ask you one thing?"

"I guess."

"Are you thinking about my suicide attempt and worrying I'm going to hurt myself again?"

"That's two things."

"So it is. But when you needed me to tell you I'm okay and promise to come to you if I'm not, well, what else could that make me wonder?"

Soda stayed quiet for a moment, his head dropping, as he bit his lower lip, his defenses now down.

"You can tell me if it's that, man. The other thing I wondered is if you're just afraid I wouldn't come to you cause of how you've had the suicidal thoughts now too."

Soda kept his head down, as he reached out for Steve's hand and squeezed it. "It's not that. I'm not worried about you doing it again. I mean, if I thought you weren't doing all right, I would be. But you're so much better with stuff."

"Okay."

"I've been worried before that you wouldn't come to me because you don't want to, you know, trigger anything I've felt. But I believe you when you say you would."

"So it's not that either?"

"No."

"But it's something to do with my overdose?"

Soda only nodded, as he squeezed Steve's hand once more.

"Soda, what could there be that I don't know, buddy? We've talked about everything."

"It's just- there are still feelings I have, Stevie. Grief and stuff like that."

Steve put his other hand over Soda's, not even trying to hide the tears that had formed in his eyes. "I can see why it'd be hard to tell me about that and how this is something that would hit you all over again. So I won't push you to tell me anything, if you can't. But whenever you can, please know that I want to help you deal with these feelings, buddy. Please know that it's okay to tell me because, just like I've said before, no matter how tough it gets, I want to go through it all with you."