A/N: Wanted to get this out before the holidays. Thank you for your continued support and following of this story. They make me so happy to write.

Though if anyone asked me outright about it later I would lie, leaving Alison in our hotel room while heading to the airport definitely made me cry. Over the period of a few weeks, I had turned into a total sap. I hated the thought of leaving her to process her grandmother's death alone. It made me nauseated to leave her because of how broken down I saw her retelling Jacob's story. Being with her the past 24 hours allowed her to keep her thoughts on me. It allowed her to ask about me, think about me, dream about me. But I knew she'd get lost in her head without me by her side. During whatever period gap there was between me leaving and Jacob and Carter showing up for the funeral, she would devolve more and more. It crippled me that I would be unable to change that reality. That all I did by leaving was hurt her more.

Slipping into my row on the airplane, I adjusted myself in the aisle so that others could pass by, realizing that my winter coat was tragically in the way.

"So sorry." I whispered behind me while taking off my jacket, attempting to fold it in my hands carefully before stowing it in the compartments above. But as I rotated the jacket in my arms, a piece of paper from the inside pocket fell onto the aisle floor below me. Turning to apologize again, I awkwardly squatted to pick up the thick wad of paper now lying on the carpet next to my aisle seat.

My hands immediately developed a layer of thick sweat stressing about what I was even holding in my palms. I looked around the plane hesitantly, waiting for the people to my right to board before actually looking at the paper. Because the moment it fell to the floor, my stomach dropped believing to know exactly what it was. Not because I had any real inkling, but because part of me wished it to be.

Note #9

November 4, 2019

"I knew it." I whispered into my chest as we started taxing toward the runway.

Hi baby,

After your sweet jacket letter a few weeks back, I knew that I needed to return the favor. I'm going to put this in your thickest jacket though in hopes that it may take a few days to find. Anyway, whenever you are finding this, please know that I love you more today than I did at the time of writing. That over the time between now and then, so much is bound to have occurred to lead me to fall in love with you even more.

Heading into the month of November though, I figured that it would be cute to write a 'thankful' list. I love you for so many reasons, but every day you make me thankful to be yours. Like Emmy, I don't think you understand how lost I was a month ago. I know that we aren't here to complete each other. I know that we exist separate from each other, but I am better because of you. Because of all you do without realizing it.

- You wake up happy every single morning. You instinctually smile because it's a new day.

- You never push me away when I want to cuddle, even when you're tucked under a blanket, and I'm sure are already toasty.

- Even though I toss and turn in my sleep, you never get upset when I wake you up. In fact, you always only pull me closer.

- You don't just tell me I'm beautiful… you show me that I am.

- The kind things you do for me are simply to be kind; you never expect something in return or try to hold anything over my head.

But I'm the most thankful for you because you wake up every day and choose to love me in return. And I promise to always do the same for you. Loving you and being loved by you has been the biggest surprise of this year. I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives hold in store for us. You make every day together better than the last.

All my love,

Alison

P.S. When you do find this letter, call me 'Al' in our next conversation. I told you not to use that nickname, so I know you won't until you read this. Say it casually. I promise I'll catch it.

Hey sweetheart. Just landed in Baltimore safe and sound. As a reminder, my car is in your garage until this weekend. I'm off Thanksgiving Day through Sunday so, I'll take the train whenever you get back. Have an amazing week, and please call me day or night if you need to chat. I will call you at 11 am your time daily, okay? I love you. Stay strong.

This just made me smile for the first time since you left. I miss you, but I'm so happy that you're back home safely. If the funeral is this weekend, I'll buy you a flight out here because I don't want to go through the day without you if I don't have to. I promise I'll call and can't wait to talk to you tonight. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you again for this weekend. You're amazing, Emmy.

I'll go wherever you need me to be. Also, I'm working on taking next Thursday afternoon off for J's appointment at the hospital. I'll be there for support if you need me. No need to thank me, Ali. You would be there for me in a heartbeat. Talk to you in a few hours. Say, 8 pm your time so you can still do your tuck-in with Jacob?

Sounds perfect. Talk to you then.

I settled into my bed a little before nine with butterflies in my stomach. It had been less than ten hours since I had seen Alison, but I desperately wanted to see her face to ensure that she was okay. Her instinct was to hide her emotions, to tuck her pain and move forward without showing it to the world. If there was a time for her to rely on those instincts, it would be now, and I hoped more than anything that she would drop that guard for me. But more than that, seeing her made me instantly at peace. Hearing her voice kept my own anxiety at bay. Seeing her eyes brought me back to the first night we met. Being in front of her reminded me that things were okay by her side.

I adjusted the bun on my head in anticipation as my phone started buzzing next to my hip. Grabbing my phone and quickly lying on my stomach facing the end of my bed, I opened the call with a tilt of my head and a smile.

"Hi, cutie."

Alison's chin was resting on her fist as she leaned over her knee. "How have you become even more adorable?"

"I miss you."

"Stop that." She muttered, looking up at the ceiling to blink quickly, "Please don't say that."

"Awh, you okay over there?"

Throwing her hair over her shoulder, she kept speaking, "Not really. We, uh, we had to tell Jacob tonight, and he's just too young to really understand it."

"I bet that was hard. Was Carter helpful?" Alison nodded. "That's good. Maybe he'll understand it more at the funeral itself?"

"Maybe." She paused, wiping more tears from her eyes while trying to keep it together, "Also, the funeral is this Saturday. Carter is having to get things situated for his parents and my parents while they're still in Chicago with us, so I have a proposal for you."

"What's that?"

"Jacob's eye appointment is scheduled for Friday to rule out the blurry vision prior to his appointment at the hospital next week. But Carter now has to go to my parent's house in order to gather some documents and stuff from their house. If I pay for all of your traveling and everything, is there a way you can be in Philadelphia by 11 am on Friday for the appointment?"

"11 on Friday?" I pulled down my phone, flipping away from the screen to look at my calendar.

"Yeah, babe. There's a flight from Philly to Chicago at 4 that the three of you could be on potentially?"

"My Friday is clear. Can I sleep at your place Thursday night? I'll come up by train during the day."

"Definitely. You can work out specifics with Carter, but you'll just need to bring him to the appointment and help him pick out glasses if that's what he needs."

I smirked, pulling back up her screen. "Can do, Al."

She nodded, while writing in her calendar next to her. As she processed my sentence though, I watched her eyebrow raise, "What was that?"

"Nothing big." I gestured with my hand, "All I said was 'Can do, Al.'"

"Emily!" She straightened up.

"Alison…"

Alison smiled as she flung herself backward on her bed, "Oh my god! It has been AGES, babe!"

"What are you talking about?" I jokingly posed.

She stopped, looking around suspiciously, "Oh! Um, what are you talking about?"

Laughing before I could even reply, she collapsed in gratefulness, "I can't do it! It's what you think it is. I found the letter."

"I thought it had been lost forever, Emmy!"

"Nope. She slipped on out while trying to fold my jacket up on the plane. The inner pocket was quite sneaky of you."

"I thought so! Did it age well?"

"Incredibly well, darling."

She shuddered her shoulders as she turned to her side, "Sorry about that. I don't know if that's because of the excitement from you finding the letter, or you calling me darling." I subconsciously bit my lip at view of her endearing smile. "Don't do that either, Em. I can't be with you until Friday. Saying and doing that shit isn't fair."

"What shit, darling?" I laughed into my bed as she let out another rigor before glaring at me, "I thought it was the word. You did the same thing the first time I called you that when you came over for dinner the week before Halloween."

"Not cool, Emily."

"Your letter did the same to me on fucking public transport today. So I think you got the better end of the deal. We're going to get back to how today was for you, but I wanted to tell you how much I loved the last paragraph. It really summed up where I think we both are right now with us. Kind of like the place we've nestled into, you know?"

I watched as Alison propped me up onto the pillow next to her, "Read it to me? It's been, what? 3 weeks?"

"I think so. Let me run and grab it. Wait for me?"

"Always."

Rushing downstairs, I rustled through my jacket pocket to pull out the folded piece of paper before grabbing a glass of water to head back upstairs. Settling onto the bed though, I saw Alison with her eyes closed on her pillow, "You still awake for me?"

"I am." She whispered, eyes still closed, "I want to hear your voice say the words back to me though."

"Of course." I adjusted my voice before reading Alison's words to her, "But I'm the most thankful for you because you wake up every day and choose to love me in return. And I promise to always do the same for you. Loving you and being loved by you has been the biggest surprise of this year. I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives hold in store for us. You make every day together better than the last."

"Which part was your favorite?" She asked, peeking through the bottoms of one of her eyes to see my smile.

"Loving you has been the biggest surprise of this year for me too. Honestly, after everything I went through with Ash, I didn't see myself ever loving someone as much as I loved her. But, I was very, very wrong."

She smirked at me, pulling the phone closer to her face, "You love me more?"

Readjusting my legs underneath me, I sighed, "I love you differently."

"Differently… I guess I get that." She opened one eye widely before pulling the covers of her bed back up underneath her chin.

"Let me explain. Think about you and Carter. You dated – slash – were married from 23 to 27?"

"Close enough."

"Okay. And think about what you believed love to be between those ages compared to even your relationship before Carter. All I'm saying is that for 7 years I loved someone as though they were the only person on the planet for me. I loved desperately, as if she was my only shot at this. But I learned during the years between, that love comes in so many forms and in so many ways. I would say that I'm a big believer in soulmates, but not in the traditional sense. My best friend, Maya, is a good example. Our souls are connected unlike any other relationship in my life, and yet, I still love her differently than I did Ash, or how I love you. I'm still picking up on this more and more each day, but I'm pretty damn sure that you're one of my soulmates, too. But I don't love you desperately nor do I love you how I love Maya – obviously. Does that make sense?"

"It does." She winked at me through the phone before continuing, "How do you love me then?"

"Purposefully."

The crack in my voice caused her eyes to shoot open, "Emmy – "

I smiled with my eyes while speaking, "I love you like it's what I was put on this planet to do. That with the time we've been given, I never want you to question how I feel about you. I love you tenaciously because the thought of letting you go physically hurts my chest to consider. I love you resolutely, without waver, because next to you, I feel the same. You make me feel protected and safe and beautiful. And the older I get, the more that I understand that love to me means more than an expression of desire or affection. Love is an action more than a feeling, especially for the two of us. Of course, I love you. But now I'm learning how to love you, how to fill you with as much promise as you fill me. How to love you through this, through your struggle. How to love you through it all. You know?"

"I know." Alison paused, though I noted her eyes moving behind their lids as if deep in thought, "I love you beyond myself. I think this is the first time I've done that. It took me a long time to truly love myself. To accept myself with my current flaws while still looking to improve. And so now, I know that love is reciprocal. Through loving myself, I can love you more selflessly, and if you do the same in return, we are consistently providing support. So, I love you beyond myself. I love you regardless of circumstance, Emily." She opened her eyes subtlely to look at my reaction. "And I don't have a question in my mind that you're my soulmate. I see it every time I look at you, and my heart skips a beat. I feel it when your arms are wrapped around me at night, and I've never felt more secure. I hear it when I say your name, and I know that I want your name of the edge of my lips for the rest of my life."

She placed her thumb against her lips, as though attempting to hold back more. Not wanting to press forward, knowing that if she continued to speak, she would move into territory we had agreed not to go until the end of next month. But I could feel it. I knew the words she wanted to say. The longer she looked at me, the more sincere her eyes became. The more her lips turned at their edges as though getting lost in me.

"I'm happy we can talk this way. It makes all of this distance more palatable." She whispered, closing her eyes again as if paining her to mention.

"I'll be with you in 4 days."

"And then 2 days later, we'll be apart again."

"Alison…"

"No, it's alright. It's just kind of scary." Alison rubbed underneath her eyes, willing no tears to slip out. "I had every desire to see Nana more, but distance gets in the way of so much, Emmy. For as great as this conversation is, imagine how much closer we would be if we lived in the same fucking city. If we lived together. If we fell asleep every night with the other next to us. It's like I want to be with you, but there is always this barrier."

"You're not going to lose me to the distance, Alison. I'm not going anywhere."

"How do you know that though? How can you predict that? I thought I had more time with Nana. I thought Jacob had more time with her."

I could feel her starting to lose herself in the worry. Just like Halloween. Just like the day she introduced me to her family. Her thoughts were beginning to swarm. I understood what she was saying though. The distance scared me too. Not because I thought it would break us apart, but because I knew that in some ways my ability to be there for her was limited. I hated feeling limited.

"Can you sit up with me, baby? I think you're starting to panic." Alison curled into herself as she sat up, leaning over her at her waist to hold herself together. "We're going to breathe together, okay? Count with me. One, two, three, four, five, six." I paused.

"Seven, eight, nine, ten."

"Perfect. Want to look in my eyes, Ali? Look at me. I am calm. You have nothing to panic about. I am right here. The world is okay. You're stressed out and tired and grieving, but you are okay. You are safe, and you are right here with me. Is there a painting in your room?" She nodded, her eyes growing wide. "Describe it for me. Tell me all about it."

"It's a landscape of trees. The colors are blue and white and cream."

"How many trees are there?"

"Well, there's two different types. Some of them have white bark and the others are more traditional. The white trees are tall, like their branches start almost near the tops of the brown trees. But they're all the same color on top. Three white trees, but the brown ones kind of fade into each other. At least 8." Her breathing was becoming more contained.

"Perfect. Would we spend the day there?"

She smiled fondly, "I think we would. Well, I'm not sure because the bottom of the painting is kind of abstract and muted. So I'm not sure if there is grass there or if it's a marsh type place."

"If there's grass then we'd be there?"

"Definitely. But a big 'no' to the marsh."

"Can you tell what season it is, beautiful?"

"I'm going to guess Spring. It looks maybe like it's about to rain. But the colors are strange. In the middle of the trees, the blue is so dense that it looks kind of, black?"

"That's kind of cool though. They're versatile trees."

Alison's smile started fading into a laugh as I replied, "You can't even see what I'm looking at."

"Yeah? But I'm picturing it! Don't ruin the mood."

"You're the best. You know that, right?"

"I do what I can. I'll do whatever I can to make sure you're okay. Feeling better?"

"My chest is less heavy."

I watched her exhale as she finished her phrase. And as more oxygen entered her frame, her eyes relaxed as well. She looked a little brighter, a little calmer, a little more like herself. As though I might have helped after all.

"That's good. Take it one thought at a time. Allow yourself to accept the calm."

"Do you remember our conversation before our museum date?"

"I do; I was scared about falling for you too quickly."

"And I helped you not to panic so much."

"You did."

"Well, I thought maybe I could tell you a secret like we did at the end of that phone call."

"I'll be the only one to hear it?"

"The only one." She pulled her phone up to her lips before whispering, "I know I said it in one of my letters, but I hope you know that I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. Thank you for being mine, Emily."

And there it was. My full name. The name she claimed to want to say for the rest of her life. She always said it with such care as if she had been waiting her whole life to meet me. To say my name like it was all that mattered in her world. And though that wasn't completely true for her, in that moment, she was the only thing that mattered in mine.

I traveled via train to Alison's Wednesday after work. Though I considered coming on Thanksgiving Day, a bigger part of me wanted to spend the day quietly alone. This weekend would be a lot for all of us as a family; I needed time to settle in and prepare. I loved the feel of Alison's home the moment I walked in to turn off the alarm. Exhaling as I sat down my bag, I immediately walked to the fireplace to try and light the candle on the mantle. But as I hit the ignitor on the lighter, my pocket began to vibrate.

"You're calling early…" I muttered into the phone.

She sounded panicked again, "Please tell me that you just entered my home."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Yes, it's me. I just got in."

"Thank God! The notification went off but then I saw the alarm code had been entered, so I was immediately confused."

"I should've told you that I was coming tonight instead of tomorrow."

"You're fine, Em. It was just startling at first." After a brief pause, she continued, "Do you have plans tomorrow?"

"Not at all. I wanted to have a day to decompress before this weekend being hectic."

"You are so sexy when you're smart." She jested, sending blush across my cheeks, "I'm spending the day with everyone, and I feel like it will be too much."

"That's possible. Make sure to take Friday during the day to yourself, okay?"

"I will; I know Bug will be stuck to my side from the moment you all get into town, so Friday morning will be my reprieve."

"I know that you're probably extremely excited to see J, but I seriously cannot wait to be with you again."

"Don't worry, sweetheart. I can split my priorities for you, for sure."

"Can't wait, Ali. I love you, and so sorry again for coming up a day early without letting you know."

"You're perfectly fine. I love you, too. Talk to you in the morning."

Instead of a phone call the next morning though, I received a text.

Hated the idea of you having no plans today, so a small gift is arriving around 11 am. Facetime me then. : D

Alison?

Facetime me then.

The doorbell rang just after 10:45, causing me to shuffle to the door. At my feet was a small box with a note attached.

Hi. My name is Daphne, and I am Alison's father's assistant. She asked for me to get this together for you and meet her at the Zoom link below. Happy Thanksgiving!

Confused, I picked up the box and carried it to the living room table. Picking up my laptop from its charger, I urgently followed the Zoom link to see my lovely girlfriend dressed up on the other side.

"Hi, cutie."

I immediately reached for my hair, still unbrushed in a mane around my head. "Alison, why didn't you tell me to get dressed up? You look so good!"

"And you look amazing. This is for later today. For you, I would still be in pajamas for sure."

"That's a relief. What's this all about?"

"It's our first Thanksgiving, babe. Did you think I was going to miss spending it with you?"

I smirked, "Yes. Yes I did."

"Well, you're sorely mistaken, Emily Fields. In your box you'll find the ingredients for a martini, including a shaker because I do not own one myself, as well as the most traditional southern Thanksgiving foods that I could find on short notice."

"A martini? It has been months."

"I know my distaste for liquor has kept you away from your favorite drink. This is my apology."

"I accept." She smiled at me with a grin that I could spend forever looking at. It was as though she saw same thing in return.

"You don't have to eat in front of me at all, but I wanted you to know that I'd give anything to be there with you today. I am most thankful this year for you, so it's disappointing to not be."

"It's okay, baby. I'm most thankful for you too." I blew a kiss to the screen before we both just sat and stared. "You're super cute."

"Can we promise each other something?"

"Of course. What shall we promise?"

"I want us to promise to keep being 'super cute' even past the honeymoon phase."

"Who says the honeymoon phase is ever going to end, Ali?"

"That's the attitude I was looking for."

"I promise to keep being cute. To keep showing up for you. To make our time special and important."

Alison and I talked for an hour before having to say goodbye for the day. But despite feeling thoroughly pampered and taken care of, I still climbed into our bed that night feeling lonely. I spoke with my parents as well, and they reiterated how excited they were to host the two of us for the new year. Even though I spent time with others, the act of not being with them, tangibly with them, made the day feel just as empty as if I hadn't spoken to them at all. More than anything, it reiterated Alison's point from earlier in the week: distance got in the way of so much. I had searched my mind for hours over the course of our relationship in attempts to figure out how to eliminate distance from our vocabulary. But without Alison getting a new custody agreement, or me getting a new job, the distance would stay. And with that knowledge, the loneliness stayed. It burrowed. It lingered.

My loneliness subsided the moment I pulled up to Carter's house, and all I could see through the windows was Jacob peering around the corner waiting for my car. He turned his head around presumably to shout to his dad before the door flew open. I raced to step out of the driver's seat quickly enough to catch him in my arms, wrapping one arm around his back as I flung his legs through the air in a spin.

"Hi buddy!" I kissed the side of his head before setting him down.

"E, we get to spen duh day togever."

I waved at Carter who was walking outside as I replied, "We sure do! I can't wait to catch up with you! It's been weeks!"

"Hey Emily!" Carter waved back, passing an envelope my way, "Here's his insurance card and our Health Savings card. There should be more than enough for the appointment and anything he may need. Feel free to add-on whatever they recommend. We want to completely rule out or in his vision for Thursday."

"Sounds perfect; I totally understand. And we are meeting you at the airport at 2, correct?"

He nodded, "Yep. Would you like me to take your bag from you? That way you and Bug are riding there without any luggage in the Uber?"

"Really?" I looked over my shoulder while walking toward the trunk, "I would really appreciate that."

"Yeah, of course. Just make sure he gets lunch before we meet up."

"Will do. Thanks for allowing me to pick up the slack on this, Carter. We're going to do a great job today, aren't we J?" I asked as Jacob was already dragging me around the car toward his seat.

"Wet's go, Emlee!"

I laughed, waving over the car toward Carter as he climbed in to his booster seat. "One more time. Tongue to teeth, J."

"Let's go!" I reached out to brush his hair back and forth in acknowledgment before running around to the front seat for us to start the day.

We entered the optometrist 10 minutes early as Jacob quickly ran toward the kid's section to watch the movie playing in the background while I walked to the front desk.

"Hi. We have an appointment for Jacob Schoen at 11."

The receptionist nodded, while browsing her computer, "Yes. First time in, correct?"

"Yes, ma'am." I replied, looking over my shoulder to make sure he was still behaving himself a room away.

"Perfect. We will need his insurance card as well as your driver's license."

"Mine?" I asked, pulling out my wallet to comply.

She glanced up at me with some concern, "Yes? We need his parent's information for the insurance records."

"Oh. He's not on my insurance." I looked around, suddenly apprehensive. I had been here before at Jacob's school; I had felt ostracized and separated when all I wanted was to help.

"He is your son though?" She stood up, looking at me closer as I tucked my hands behind my back.

I had been given one task. I had to figure this out, and so without thinking twice, I spun the silver ring usually kept on my right hand off into my palm. And then as swiftly as possible, I switched hands and slid the ring onto my left hand before resting them both onto the counter.

"Step son. The insurance… it's my wife's."

The receptionist took a step back, "Alright." I exhaled, "Do you all have a medical agreement for bringing him to the doctor? Otherwise, it can be seen as a HIPAA violation."

I ran my left hand through my hair to help emphasize the band, "I don't think we've done that yet. We're newlyweds and uh, well, my wife's grandmother just passed so me bringing him to this appointment was last minute in general. If I can get his mom to fax you her ID, is there a way we could make this work? I would hate to reschedule."

The receptionist smiled after looking over her shoulder, "I think we can make that work. I do the paperwork here. So get her on the phone for me, and we'll try to figure this out. So sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." I nodded, curtly, "We're actually flying out right after this for the funeral in Chicago. Give me one second." I tapped my fingers impatiently as I Facetimed Alison, praying for her to pick up.

"Hi, sweetheart. Is the appointment going well?"

I smiled, brushing my hair back over my shoulder, "Hi, Ali. We've hit a hiccup. In all of the madness of the past few weeks, we forgot to get those HIPAA documents signed." I allowed my voice to trail as I waited to see if Alison would pick up on my lie.

"Emmy – "

"I know, babe. It fell through the cracks, but the receptionist is willing to help us out if you can fax us your ID. Here, I'll let you talk to her." I smiled politely, passing her the phone.

"Hi ma'am. Your wife was just letting me know about your grandmother's passing."

"She was?" I heard her voice rise into a smile, "But yes, it's been a rough. I'd be more than happy to fax you my ID as soon as Emily texts me the number. I'll need to just run downstairs to the hotel lobby. Is there anything else you need from me?"

"To confirm, you are Alison DiLaurentis as is written on your insurance?"

"Yes ma'am."

"And you are giving legal approval for your wife – " The receptionist glanced up at me.

"Emily Fields."

" – legal approval for your wife, Emily Fields, to make medical decisions for your son?"

"Of course; I trust her with everything."

"Well, that's sweet. Please work on getting that form together. We can add it to his file so this doesn't happen again."

"Thank you so much for your flexibility. Could you pass me back to my wife, please?" Alison's tongue was barely sticking out against her teeth as she came back into my view. "Sorry about that. We can do that as soon as I –" I made a cut off sign with my hand as I was walking into the waiting room. " – Emily? What the fuck?"

"I didn't know what to do…" I ran my hand through my hair again.

"Is that a fake ring too?" She smiled, "Who knew I was dating a bad ass?"

"Shh.." I whispered, "As a doctor, even I know this is HIGHLY illegal."

"We're fine, Emmy. Could you walk back up there real quick just to let them know that 'your wife' is faxing it to them now? Be specific for me."

"You want to hear me say wife, don't you?"

"Just one more time for me. To the public."

I blushed walking to the front again, "Hi. My wife just wanted you to know that she faxed the card, so you should be getting the information shortly." I walked away before looking at the phone again, "How was that?"

"Amazing; made my day. Well until I see the two of you in Chicago tonight. I'm getting a rental car for the weekend, so I'll pick you all up around 5:30 or 6. Okay, babe?"

"Sounds good. I'll give you the full update then. I love you."

"Love you too, wifey." She winked as she hung up, sending another layer of blush to my cheeks.

A few moments after hanging up, Jacob ran up to my legs to pull on my long-sleeved shirt, "E, tell me bout the scawy stuff again?"

"Scary, J. But it's not actually scary; it's more so startling."

"Will you say it again?" He asked, turning around for me to pick him up and set him on my lap.

"Whatever you want. So, they're going to ask you to read a board with letters on it. It's completely unscary. They'll also have you put your chin in a machine and look at a picture way off in the distance, also not scary. The only actual scary part is one that checks your eye pressure. It sends a puff of air into your eye. It's startling but won't hurt you. That's all."

"You hode my hand?"

"I will hold your hand whenever you need me too."

The nurse stuck her head around the corner, "Jacob?"

"You ready, J?" He nodded, immediately reaching for my hand.

I guess whenever started now. In fact, whenever lasted the entire visit as Jacob unsurely walked through the eye doctor tests with me directly by his side. I reassured him, letting him know that he would be okay. But, he never let go. His palm stayed steady in mine through the entire appointment. Even after entering our private room, Jacob insisted in curling in my lap.

"What's going on?" I asked, scratching his back concerned.

"I don't like this. I weady to go to the aywplane." Despite his errors, I chose to ignore them due to his emotional state.

"I understand you not wanting to be here, but you do know that you're safe with me, right?"

"Yes. I know I'm safe. But last time the doctows say I'm sick."

"At the eye doctor?" He nodded solemnly into my chest in reply.

I remember what Alison had told me in the weeks before. That one of the first signs of Jacob's cancer was his vision. In fact, she thought he just needed glasses. She hadn't made it clear that they had come to get his eye sight actually checked. Or that in the process of this original visit, they were asked to go to a hospital. That the last time Jacob was at the eye doctor was the first indication of him being sick. I knew a series of unforeseen circumstances had opened the door for me being the guardian at this appointment, but part of me ached in feeling that maybe Carter had backed out because he didn't want to be a part of any potential bad news.

"J, that won't happen today." I outwardly hoped, tightening my grip around his waist, "This is just to see if you need glasses."

"I can't see acause I was sick doh?"

I sighed, "Sure, Jacob. If you need glasses, it's could be because of your cancer."

"I hate it, Emlee."

We were interrupted by a knock at the door causing me to whisper in his ear, "We'll talk more in the car. Okay?"

"Hey! You must be Jacob!" The doctor announced while entering, "You ready to check your eyes up close? I need you in this chair over here."

Jacob stood up, before looking back at me, "You got it? I'll be right here." I reached forward, squeezing his chin in my palm. He nodded before sitting in the chair.

"While I'm checking your eyes, I'm going to ask your Mom some questions, okay?"

Jacob looked up at me concerned, "It's cool, J." I reassured him before gulping to look at the doctor, "Could I have your permission to audio record? I'm actually here in place of his mother, and I don't want to miss anything for her. She's in Chicago for a funeral, which we're headed to after this. Um, I'm actually a doctor though. Of Pathology at Johns Hopkins. Dr. Emily Fields." I reached out my hand, hoping my status would prevent further questioning about my role in Jake's life.

"Dr. Paul Abernathy. A pleasure. And of course, feel free to record." He paused, turning back to Jacob, "So with your experience, I'm sure you can provide some details for me about Jacob's previous cancer treatment."

"I can, yes. Jacob, is alright for us to talk about everything with you right here?"

"Iss okay, E."

"Okay, sweetie." I cleared my throat, "I only entered his life after being fully in remission, but from what I do know, Jacob had three small tumors in his left parietal lobe leading toward his occipital. His symptoms at that time included blurriness which his mother, at that time, believed to be a vision issue. Well, it was a vision issue, but – well, you know what I mean. He underwent radiation followed by surgery, and has been in full remission for over 24 months though was cleared close to 36 months ago. He mentioned blurriness a few weeks back, and we just wanted to clear him before his bi-yearly checkup next week."

"Great. Well, I have good news. From the internal photos we took, there is no sign of further tumors. You can see here…" He rotated to point to the screen, "That there is evidence of previous optic nerve pressure in this eye. This is most likely what Jacob's previous optometrist saw prior to sending him for further testing. It doesn't appear to be damaged at all, but it will be something that I will note in his profile. Be sure to bring him to us at least one to two times a year to keep track of that because if it does inflame, it can lead to bigger issues. The bad news though, Jacob, is that you definitely need glasses, buddy. Your right eye here has a small case of nystagmus which just means that your eye kind of moves side to side without you noticing it. It happens frequently following childhood cancer, but it's a big cause of the blurriness you're having. On top of that though, you just have general vision loss. Nothing too big, but some glasses will definitely give you some relief."

"And the rest of his eye health?"

"It all actually looks really healthy. We can see all kinds of impacts following radiation, but his appears minimal for now."

I exhaled, "That's good, J. You're healthy. No bad news."

"Can I get down now?" He asked, looking up at me with tears building in his eyes.

I immediately stood, pulling my chair to his side, "We have to figure out your prescription first. Dr. Abernathy is going to do that by flipping different views in front of you to see which is more clear, okay? I'll hold your hand though. How does that sound?"

"Iss good."

"Alright, look up at me real quick." His pout-filled face turned right as I wiped my thumbs underneath his eyes, "We can talk about why you're sad in a minute, but try to not cry right now so that your eyes aren't blurry during this part. I've got you." I paused, holding his hand between both of mine as the doctor worked to find his prescription.

Alison was right. Her son was incredibly brave. He held it together through most of the chaos thrown his way. But sometimes, he cracked. Sometimes he held so much fear inside his ribcage that a hint of good news made him explode. We talked in depth about him feeling overwhelmed in the car after picking out some frames that he loved.

"So they were happy tears?"

"A little. I was weawy scawed."

"You were scared that it would be like last time?"

"I don't want to be sick again. It wooined evewyfing."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, J. Can you see how learning about your cancer pretty early on though saved your life though?"

"Maybe I'm posed to be wif Nana doh."

My mouth dropped at the stoplight as I looked behind me, "What was that?"

"Like in my dweams."

"What dreams, Jacob?"

"Wif Nana. We play togever and maybe I was posed to be dere too so she has a fwend."

"What about me? Don't I need a friend too?" He nodded, happily. "You're not with Nana because you're supposed to be here, J. Are your dreams with Nana happy?"

"Day are, but I fink I should be wif her and not sick again."

My heart sank. "Oh, so this is a big fear for you?" I watched in the rearview mirror at him looking out his window. "I wish that I could guarantee to you that you'll never get sick again, but I can't. What I can guarantee though is that if that happens, I'll be with you every step of the way. Your mom, dad, and I won't let you down. But I don't want you to constantly be afraid of that. Sometimes everything good, everything you've been waiting for your whole life, is just on the other side of your fear. It doesn't have to be today, J, but some day you'll need to learn to live your life without having that fear. You're exactly where you're supposed to be."

"You too?"

"Yeah, me too. With you, right now, I know I'm not supposed to be anywhere else."

"Do you get afwaid?"

"Definitely. I have lots of fears."

My head immediately went to Alison. To the fear currently overtaking my life. I would never air our discussions to Jacob, but as I sat in thought, I knew that he wouldn't understand why I was afraid. Why I was incapable of taking a leap of faith for the woman he trusted most in the world.

"Do you fink the west of your life is ahind your fear?"

The question took my breath away. Because sitting behind me was a boy who understood so much more of the world than we gave him credit for. Someone who saw the cracks and wanted nothing more than to mend them.

"It probably is."

"Den if I stop my fear, will you stop yours?"

"You're a smart little boy."

"Dats what Mommy tells me."

"Well, E says it too." I paused, feeling a surge of emotion in my chest. "Hey Jacob?" I asked to the seat behind me waiting for his eyes to catch mine. "You know I love you, right?" He nodded assuredly. "Okay, that's good. I wanted to make sure you knew."

"Mommy teld me! When you pwomised to be at chuch but den didn't come. I got sad, and so Mommy teld me dat it was an adult pwoblem. You didn't come acause you loved me."

"She's absolutely right about that! I love you a lot, J."

"I love you too, Emlee."

Nothing made me happier than watching Jacob run as fast as his little feet could toward his mother. The way his feet stomped haphazardly while his shaggy hair flopped wildly in the wind. The way Alison's smile spread from ear to ear, eternity lying just beneath her dimples. The way she held herself down with one hand knowing that the knock of Jacob's force against her body would send her backward in the middle of the concrete sidewalk at O'Hare.

"Sucks to know that the person we love most in the world will always love someone else a little bit more, huh?" Carter nudged my shoulder while carting our bags. "You know, Alison for you, Jacob for me."

"I think it's precious. Someday J will be a moody teen, and he'll act like he doesn't love anyone. That will be our chance." We laughed while walking closer to the two of them, Alison scooping Jacob into her arms while extended toward my cheek. "Hi, Ali."

Her forefinger tucked underneath my chin as she pulled me closer to her. It was a gentle kiss, a simple kiss, but I knew she felt it too. Electricity, even as we were pulling away. Her baby blues met mine and right then, I knew I could stand here the rest of my life. Just looking at her. Just being in her presence. Just being.

"You'we gwoss!" Jacob announced next to us, reaching for his father.

At the release of her son in her arms, Alison pulled me closer before looking over her shoulder, "Get used to it, Bug." She smiled, touching her nose to my cheek, "Hi, Emmy… This is the best part. Being yours again… it's the best part." A lingering kiss against my jawline her parting touch before turning to Carter. "Hey, Car. How are you?"

"It's rough." He muttered, wrapping her in his arms. "She was like my grandma, too, you know? You doing alright?" Carter's hand fiddled with her hair as she replied into his shoulder. "I know, Al. But we're all here now."

She pulled back, lightly wiping her eyes, "No, I know. I'm happy for that; I am."

"How are our parents?"

"Off and on. We can talk more at the house." She adjusted her hair, "Let's get all your stuff in the car."

"Here, Jake and I will get it. You need… someone right now." He patted her back before distracting their son with the luggage.

I wrapped one hand around her hip, clutching her to me tightly, "I've got you, darling."

She smiled up at me, placing one hand on my chest, "You say that shit on purpose."

"Of course, I do. It makes you happy."

"You make me happy." Alison leaned in for a quick kiss as Carter and Jacob came back around the car.

"Are dey done yet?" Jacob asked, one hand over his eyes.

"All clear, Bug." Carter replied, opening the back car door to get him settled. "I'll take the back seat, ladies."

"Thank you, Carter." We replied simultaneously before giggling toward each other.

We were obnoxiously in love. But from the look of it, Alison wouldn't have had it any other way.

Even with a loss the week earlier, Alison's grandparents' house was a buzz. Filled with family, friends and leftovers, we walked into a swarm of commotion. Jacob immediately ran for the backyard where distant cousins were playing tag as Alison, Carter, and I jumped in to help with anything around the house that we could. As the hours faded into the night, we moved around the dining room table, sharing stories and laughs to avoid the inevitability of tomorrow.

"Carter? You did bring everyone's Christmas cards so we don't have to mail them to the family, right?"

"Yes, Jessica. I have some of each of ours to pass out. I can go grab them." He rose from the table to jog toward the room he was staying in with Jacob in the house.

Alison turned toward me, kissing my cheek before whispering gently, "I love you."

My hand wrapped around her upper thigh underneath the table, "Love you, t –"

"Oh my!" Alison and Carter's mother began exclaiming as Carter walked back in with each family's shots. "This is perfect. Aren't you all precious?"

"It was Jacob's choice." Alison interjected. "It was his favorite."

"I can see why, Ali." Joan looked up at Carter, knowingly sending further confusion to my face.

"It was a family decision, for sure." He added before passing the card our way. "I don't think Emily knows yet, right?"

"Knows what?" I asked, turning my head up to face him as Alison pulled the card from his grasp.

She squealed beside me, "Oh, it turned out perfectly. Emmy, look."

And in her hands was a photo I hadn't yet seen. Carter was holding Jacob, both in their white shirts as Jacob leaned toward his father giving him a kiss on his cheek, his hands on either side of his face. Alison was next to them, stunning as always. But next to her, was me. And mimicking her son on the other side, she was placing a small kiss onto my cheek as well.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

Carter, Alison, Emily, and Jacob

"Are you serious?" I asked, my throat closing as soon as I tried to speak as tears came to my eyes.

Alison wrapped her arm around my waist as she pulled me into her side, my head falling on her shoulder, "Jake was adamant." She kissed the top of my head. "We figured that it would be a cute Christmas surprise."

"Ali – " I tried again to speak but continued to fail.

Carter sat down across from us, "I'm happy you like it. You do like it, right?"

"Yeah, Carter." I smiled briefly as we made eye contact, "I love it. Thank you. This means so much."

Alison's hand slipped just beneath my sweater to rest on my hip, her thumb gently caressing my skin, "Of course, sweetheart… You okay?"

I nodded into her neck as I stared at the photo in front of me. Nearly 8 weeks ago, I had no one. I lived my life in solitary, knowing that somewhere around the corner lie my future. I was afraid of that future… this future. I was terrified of the next heart I would confide in. The next heart I would bare my soul to. The next heart that would take me in as their own. But by Alison's side, my fears were laughable. A distant fade out that at this point could be ignored. Because in front of me were my fears on a page, but instead of causing panic, seeing us altogether caused me peace.

Nearly 8 weeks ago, I had no one. And now, I had a family to call my own.

A/N: Just some fluff to get you all through. Next chapter bring the funeral as well as Jacob's appointment, along with anything else I can muster to fit in. Let me know your thoughts! I love hearing from you all.

I also wanted to let you all know that I have just started a Page for originAl and exclusive wriTing content that you cannot find on any of the wRiting platforms I am currEntly ON. All profits will go directly to medical bills I have accrued over the past year due to my autoimmune disorder diagnosis. Free stories on Fanfiction, Wattpad, and AO3 will continue; this will just include original and exclusive stories, access to polls for future content, ability to request content, and anything else that you guys are interested in! I appreciate anyone that even goes to check it out. Just search my username on (the site is indicated with randomly capitalized letters in the 1st sentence of this paragraph). Thanks so much for your support.

Happy Thanksgiving!

- secretpen28