Callie POV
It's been a few days since my blow up at Lena, and despite what Stef said I still feel the way I felt then. I've masked it pretty well and made everyone think I'm doing better, and it seems to be working. I never officially apologized to Lena, I kind of just did extra stuff around the house to help her and to appease to her very minor OCD side.
"Hey Callie, Can you come help set the table for dinner?" I listen as Stef says this, and even though it's not a big thing, it's the first thing Stef has asked me to do since the "thing" and it seems like a big deal to me. I walk into the kitchen smiling, well faking a smile, and begin to set the table. Halfway through I start thinking about how it all just seems like to much as I listen to Stef and Lena quietly discuss/whisper-not-so-quietly the things they are hoping will help us. More specifically when they mention my name and the "situation," my mind immediately goes back to that moment and it's like I feel the gun in my mouth. I quickly shake my head to rid myself of the thoughts but all it does is bring more, in the process I miss the table as I go to sit a plate down causing it to slip off the table and crash to the ground. It bursts into what seems like a million pieces and I'm praying they are so caught up in there conversation and the sounds of the house that they really didn't notice. I bend down and start picking it up when I notice her hands start to help me. "Just breathe Callie, it's just a plate." I look to Lena as she speaks and she's practically begging me to reciprocate how I'm feeling to her. "I'm fine, just moved to fast and knocked it off. Thanks for the help though." I watch as her face falls a little bit and I just go back to picking up the glass. Once it's finished I excuse myself and head upstairs to wait until dinner is ready, I lay down and pretend to be asleep to avoid having to eat and talk through dinner.
It's about 15 minutes later when I feel the bed dip down and a hand touch my forehead. "Cals, moms want you downstairs. Can you just try to give us all a chance tonight? We all miss you.. I miss you." I wait until Jesus leaves before I raise up. Im trying to avoid hurting them, which will be easier by participating enough but not too much to keep the old attachments, but enough that no really questions it. Clearly, it's not working though. I decide that tonight I'll head downstairs despite the fact that I don't want to.
I try not to laugh as I get down there and I notice the only available seat is between Stef and Lena. I take a seat and decide to start on a piece of garlic bread. It's dead quiet until Stef starts to talk quietly to me, causing me to jump a little. which results in Lena grabbing my hand to calm me. I quickly leave her grip and just look at her, and for a second I thought I saw her hurt that I didn't want her touch. "What did you say Stef?" I turn to her as I ask. I watch as she glances between me and Lena trying to figure out what happened before she turns to towards me. "Oh I said thank you for joining us tonight. For you know really trying even though you're exhausted from school and your new friends. For making things right." I know what she's thinking, but me and Lena aren't okay and I don't know if we ever really will be. I just smile lightly towards her and before I can stop my mouth from opening, I simply say, " No problem, just baby steps." I look to Lena as she seems to be searching my eyes for an idea of what I mean. But I ignore her and keep taking small bites out of the bread hoping they don't notice how literal I'm being about the baby steps. All while thinking "Little by little helps, that's why it's called baby steps," that's why I'm hoping they won't notice how stagnant my baby steps really are.
Hey guys,
I know it's been a long time, I've been working on this and to be honest I got writers block cause I couldn't figure out exactly where I wanted to go from my last update, add that in with some losses in my family and a busy work life, it's been hard. I know it's a short update but I'm hoping it'll keep you guys interested until I can get a new one out. I'm taking legitimate baby steps back to writing! As always thank you!!! Enjoy!!