"It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."― Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
X
"Red?"
He dropped the hand that was holding the door and gaped at the witch standing in front of him. His eyes registered once again the dark circles underneath her bloodshot eyes and the slightly haggard appearance of her complexion. It was obvious that Amelia had not slept at all. More astonishing was that it was also remarkably obvious that the shattered pieces of her heart had leaked from her eyes in a surge of anguish during the previous night. He wondered for a second if their reasons were the same. He wondered if she too had been surprised upon realizing that the night had gone by unnoticed while she cried, thought to herself, roamed around in her bedroom or maybe did a combination of the three. Their similarities never ceased to amaze him.
Nevertheless, it did not explain why she was there of all places and Kakashi could not help but put both hands behind his back so he could pinch himself. Maybe that was a dream and he was still contemplating his demons back in his room. Maybe the wound in his finger had been much worse that he had imagined and he was hallucinating in the middle of the kitchen. Maybe he was hoping that any of those outcomes were true so they would distract him from the fact that Amelia had come to his home willingly. Reality is sometimes far too daunting for one to digest.
Kakashi raised his eyebrows and scratched the back of his head while Amelia studied him with a blank expression. Uninvited, she stepped forward and went past him as if it was perfectly normal for an unannounced guest to barge into someone's house at six in the morning and make themselves comfortable. Kakashi turned around and his eyes followed the way she took off her shoes and placed them beside Kakashi's. The wizard looked over his shoulder in silence, his eyebrows now furrowed as he tried to muster any form of reaction to that situation. The best thing he could come up with was massaging his temple and blinking away the tiredness from his eyes.
"I'm assuming you're coming," she muttered while finger combing her hair, which she had tied today in a ponytail. "After you stop gaping at me like I'm a new Potions assignment, of course."
"I'm coming," he acquiesced in a quiet tone. He moved his arms as if he was going to stuff his hands inside his pockets, but forgot he was wearing pocketless sweatpants and then his hands dropped awkwardly to his side. He sighed heavily and Amelia gave him a knowing and presumptuous look, her lips curling in her trademark smirk.
"I can wait until you change into something else," she told him with casual dismissal and Kakashi rolled his eyes. Then, she folded her arms and turned around to study her surroundings, her eyes examining everything they could find, though it was obvious she was doing that to avoid staring at him longer than necessary. "Unless that's what you intend to wear outside."
"What are you doing here?", he asked with a quizzical look.
"Do you want me to go back home?", she countered, fixing a painting that was slightly lopsided.
Kakashi could not help but smile to himself, his eyes studying her movements as she kept wandering around the living room. Answering a question with another question was classic Amelia whenever she wanted to avoid a particular subject. He was glad to realize that apparently he was not the only one struggling to understand their situation.
"I'd ask you how you have my address, but I'm assuming getting it was as easy as breaking into my office," he began and Amelia merely shrugged, so he knew right away that that was another question she was going to avoid. She was now examining his bookshelves, her fingers scraping the book covers softly as she walked in front of the shelves. "I'll be back in a minute. You can make yourself some coffee if you want to," he added as an afterthought, nodding towards the kitchen.
Amelia ignored his comment and went after him, and Kakashi furrowed his eyebrows even more. Even though his head felt heavy upon the realization that he had pulled an all-nighter, he was suddenly extremely aware of what was going on. It made absolutely no sense. What was she doing here? Why was she following him? Why was she leaning against the doorframe while he searched for some clothes inside his wardrobe? Why was she studying him so intently? Why did he suddenly feel extremely self-aware of her presence?
Kakashi glanced at her and registered her appearance another time. Amelia had her arms folded in front of her chest, her right shoulder resting on the doorframe. She was wearing what looked like the first muggle piece of clothing she had found because her usually meticulously appearance was full of wrinkles. As for her face, it was unemotional, a blank canvas. Her hazel eyes looked more tired than anything else and it dawned upon him that she too had no idea what she was doing there, yet she had gone along with her decision to come to him. A decision that she most likely had made with a tired and clouded mind.
Silence was stretching like eternity another time. It made them both self-aware of the tension and anticipation filling every empty space between them, the air suddenly getting thick and almost unbreathable. Kakashi wondered how difficult choosing a piece of clothing was.
"Why do you have a tattoo?", she blurted out to break the uncomfortable and heavy silence, her eyes focused on his upper left arm.
That was a very strange question. A strange and painful contrast. A distraction.
"This?," he glanced down and she nodded blankly. "Elite aurors."
"Ah."
Then she stepped forward and her fingers were touching the tattoo, her index finger tracing the outline of the faint scar. He felt a shiver down his entire body and hoped that she had not noticed his reaction, though he knew she most likely had but would refrain from acknowledging the effect the still had in him. In any case, she ignored his demeanor. Her eyebrows were creased in concentration and Kakashi's mind instantly traveled to the way Amelia used to chop down Potions ingredients back in Hogwarts. Just like he had imagined, she bit her lower lip, intrigued by the mark on his skin. He doubted British Elite aurors did anything like that and he doubted even more that Amelia would bow her head to something like that without putting up some fight.
"Looks like it was burned on your skin."
"It was," he confirmed unemotionally and Amelia's eyes widened ever so slightly, her thumb now brushing the tattoo. "Considering I was already used to being at the other end of your fire spells, I can't really say it hurt."
"Why do they do it?"
"Tradition," he shuddered, giving it another cool glance.
"You know that's just a poor excuse to keep on doing unreasonable things."
Amelia dropped her hand and stepped back, while Kakashi ignored the lingering and tingling feeling on his upper arm and the way his stomach churned upon that understanding. The red-haired witch summoned back her façade as she studied her surroundings with polite curiosity, her fingers yet again combing her ponytail as she did so. He noticed the way her eyes registered his untouched bedcovers, the way they were intact except for the very edge of his bed where he had spent the entire night deep in thought. Amelia then averted her gaze to the opposite wall and clenched her jaw as though she wanted to say something but was not going to, or maybe she just did not know what to say.
Kakashi finally chose his clothes and then entered the adjacent bathroom, closing the door to give himself some privacy. There, alone with his thoughts, he debated how long he should take to take off his ragged pajamas and put on his muggle clothes. It was not as if he was not happy to see Red there of all places. It was not as if her surprise appearance had not made that morning much more pleasant than any morning in over a decade. Nonetheless, it had brought so many questions, so many second guesses to a mind that was already cluttered with them to begin with. He doubted there was still room for them considering how troubling last night had been, but he was undoubtedly wrong.
The silver-haired wizard glanced at himself on the mirror, combing his fingers through his gravity-defying hair. That was a battle he had lost long before and he wondered if the battle he was facing in that very moment would soon join it. Kakashi exhaled deeply and dropped his hand, taking in his reflection in the mirror.
His eyes mirrored hers – full of dark circles and contemplations, the only difference being the pattern in his left eye. The Sharingan. For so much time, he had worn his headband to avoid curious stares and dealing with the everlasting sensitivity that his visual prowess carried. Ever since he had left Amelia, he had worn it to avoid dealing with his own demons. It was a permanent reminder of why he had left her in the first place and that reminder had grown stronger and more painful after Rin's death. He would not be so hypocritical to say he hated that eye because he had resorted to it more times than he could count. No, his hatred was not directed to the Sharingan. That eye was such a feeble thing for him to hate. It was far too easy to make that the object of is hatred. No, his hatred ran deeper than that, darker than that.
Jaw clenched, he quickly averted his eyes from the mirror and let them linger on his empty hands, registering the lines in his palms, the color of his veins and the shape of his fingers. It won't wash off. The sentence he had uttered vocally and mentally a thousand times dawned upon him another time and soon Kakashi was opening the faucet and giving it another try. Maybe that time it would wash off. Only it would not. It would never wash off.
Yes, he did not hate that Sharingan. He hated himself.
"Fuck," he muttered as he dried his hands, looking at himself on the mirror another time.
Had she come there looking for answers? Would she hate him even more if she learned he had no answers? Would she hate him even more if she learned that all he had were questions, regrets and second guesses? How much more strained could their relationship get? Kakashi hated the idea of instilling even more pain to that girl's heart, yet he suspected that was all he could do these days. He was an ominous presence, a ghost from the past and he had been tormenting, torturing Amelia ever since he had come back. That was probably the reason she was there; it made him hate himself even more.
Logic told him that, yet his heart was screaming that there was more. There he was – clinging to it another time.
"Fuck," he mumbled another time, shoulders hunched and head hung over the bathroom sink.
After Kakashi brushed his teeth, he sighed heavily and opened the bathroom door. He immediately stalled on his bare feet. Amelia was standing in front of his desk and holding the picture he had been studying the night before. Their picture. Could she still feel the warmth of his fingers lingering there? Could she know that he had clutched that treasured object with his entire will? Could she hear the faint sound of the words he had whispered to himself as he held it tightly? No, she could not. However, even at a distance, he could see the creases between her brows. After surveying his entire house, it was obvious that she had realized that that was the only picture he had on display. She was a clever witch; it was not difficult to understand why.
"You've kept this."
"I did."
Amelia turned around to regard him. Much like him, she was doing her best to hold it together, but Kakashi knew her well. For once, though, he wished he did not because reading that behavior hurt too much. Red looked on the verge of breaking down – wan features, shadowy eyes and a definite slump to her shoulders. And yet, underneath all that pain and misery, she still looked so, so beautiful.
"And the pocket watch I gave you."
He nodded quietly and reciprocated her gaze without knowing what else to do. Often times over the years, staring back at her eyes reminded him of looking directly into the sun. There was an obvious beauty to her hazel eyes, to the boldness embroidered in them, and to that fierce and blazing rebellion that emanated from them. Nonetheless, they were also daunting, even unbearable and he sometimes found himself averting his gaze, incapable of sustaining it for much longer. In that very moment, however, Kakashi knew he had to hold himself a little longer.
A moment of quietness dragged for what felt like an infinity as each of them tried to find answers only to come back with empty hands. The impenetrable wall between them was still very much there, an invisible construct whose ominous presence seemed to command uncomfortable and prolonged periods of silence followed by hesitant eyes dancing around each other. What had been done could not be undone, what had been said could not be unsaid, what had been broken could not be fixed. Maybe that wall served the purpose of constantly reminding them of that. Still, Kakashi could not help but keep clinging to it.
"Are you finished?"
"Almost," he answered, stepping forward.
His heart was beating very fast against his ribcage when he hovered beside her, stretched his arm and retrieved the pocket watch she had given him, his arm brushing hers ever so slightly. She turned around briefly and her eyes followed his movements once again, her hands still clutching their picture. He pocketed the watch and Amelia returned the picture without uttering a single word. Kakashi was busy finding a headband and missed the way she brushed her fingers longingly over the picture before she refocused her attention on him.
"Fix for me?"
"Naturally."
When she finished tying the headband, Kakashi turned around and found Amelia looking at her own feet, her hands balled to her side. She was purposely avoiding his gaze this time and he suspected he knew why. Everything was too overwhelming. She was there. She was in his place willingly. She had touched him, almost caressed his skin. Then, her eyes had studied the evidences that after so much time, he had not forgotten about her, that he still cared deeply about her, that she still meant something although he had thrown it away carelessly years before. They still clung to their old habits, old memories, past times. It was still very early in that summer morning, but Kakashi suddenly found it difficult to breathe. It was too much. She was too close. It was too early. He was too tired. It hurt too much.
Kakashi wanted to repeat his question and learn what she was doing there, but he doubted he was getting an answer. And it was not because Amelia would not be honest. He knew she would and her honesty would result in an admission that she in fact did not know what she was doing there. Amelia loathed not having answers. Amelia absolutely hated not knowing things. He remembered far too well her begrudging admissions that she did not know something and how she would behave afterwards. It would feel as if her own fire spells had taken ahold of her body and she would become almost reckless in her search for answers.
Perhaps that was why she had come there. Her own desperate search for answers had taken her to the very person who had created those questions in the first place.
"Let's go."
Once again, she broke the silence and walked past him without looking up and Kakashi's eyes trailed after her figure before he eventually followed her. They were still dancing around the obvious, surveying each other only to retreat at the very next second. Although she was a Gryffindor, Kakashi knew that that took a different kind of courage. It had nothing to do with bravery and gallantry. It was something else entirely. It was a sort of courage he doubted he had in him.
They walked in silence for around fifteen minutes. The neighborhood where Kakashi lived was quiet and peaceful and it seemed mostly everyone was still fast asleep except for one or two neighbors who had decided to mow the grass or water their summer-withered flowers. Other than that, the duo was completely alone as they ventured themselves in that pleasant summer morning and ignored the chirps of the birds, the lovely breeze lulling the tree leaves and the occasional bugs flying over their heads or in front of their eyes.
"All black no sugar?", Amelia asked when they spotted a coffee shop on the opposite corner of the street.
"Yeah," he answered with surprise after a moment. She then crossed the street without another word and left him alone.
Back to old habits, he thought to himself as he gazed at her shrinking scarlet-haired figure before she disappeared through the door to get them some coffee. It was so ironic how memories could warm up someone's insides but also tear them apart. In spite of so much suffering, Amelia still kept those memories, those old habits. He wondered if she had revisited them over the years or simply smothered, tethered them in the confines of her mind. He wondered if she had buried those yesterdays and almosts, those what-ifs, not quites, not-yets, half-words, empty promises, broken dreams. Maybe she had but maybe she had also sought out those memories every once in a while. On a second thought, that last part was simply wishful thinking from his side. He realized he was doing that a lot these days.
She was back before he could dwell much further in his contemplations. The coffee was steaming hot but he welcomed its presence in between his hands. It was a great alternative to chastising himself mentally for wanting to take her hand in his as they walked side by side.
"Where are we going?"
"You said you went there the day you got here," Amelia answered, sipping her coffee with a welcome smile.
So that was where their walk was taking them. He should have suspected as much.
"Yes. I've been going there every day since that day, actually."
"Before work?"
Kakashi stopped on his tracks and Amelia turned around, her brows wrinkled in confusion.
"How do you know?"
"There are always new flowers there when I go after work."
"For someone who used to be scared of graveyards, you sure got brave enough to venture yourself during the night," he chuckled, his lips curling around the brim of the cup of coffee in his hands. "Not that it surprises me, of course. You're a Gryffindor after all."
"I used to go in the morning, but then I started being late for work."
"You were late? That's shocking," he snickered and Amelia narrowed her eyes.
"I'm Kingsley's favorite employee, but I didn't want to test my chances that much."
"That's a first," he raised his eyebrows and met Amelia's pointed glare. "But I can't deny that the same has happened to me this past week."
It was her time to snigger, her eyebrows raised in sincere disbelief. "You've been late? And it wasn't only for that meeting on Thursday? Now, that's a first."
"I remember you telling me you were always late because you were taking care of important things. Maybe you rubbed that off on me a little bit."
Amelia lowered her eyes and smiled to herself, her empty hand finding its way to her necklace. She fidgeted with it for a moment, clearly debating how to reply to his casual confession. She twirled the pendant from one side to the other, biting thoughtfully on her lower lip. Kakashi shifted his weight and looked around, feeling uneasy at her internal debacle. Was he invading her personal space? Should he refrain from dropping those pieces of information? Was he pressing her too much? Did she think he was doing that to find a way back to her life? Why had he decided to join her for that walk? The seconds eventually strained into five minutes before she finally managed to drop the necklace.
"Yeah, maybe I did. Only took what? Almost twenty years?"
She grinned impishly at him. Kakashi remained quiet; she was dropping her guard down. What was going on? Why was Amelia doing that? His eyes once again trailed after Amelia and he only rushed after her after the witch threw an inquisitive look over her shoulder, one eyebrow raised.
They were now standing in front of the graveyard where Kakashi's parents and Amelia's Dad had found their final resting places. It was the only wizarding graveyard in London and unlike what one might believe it was not as large as the muggle ones. Many wizarding families took their loved ones back to traditional wizarding towns in the countryside or even all over Great Britain. Not many wizarding families actually considered London their home; they usually came to the city looking for work or a closer connection with the muggles. Kakashi's Mum and Dad fit into those descriptions; Sakumo Hatake was born in Japan and transferred to England after completing auror training in his birthplace, whereas Anna Hatake was a British muggleborn who took residency in London after graduating Hogwarts.
They threw their empty cups of coffee in the nearest trashcan and entered the graveyard in silence. The atmosphere would be somber and gloomy were it not for the trees all over the otherwise empty spaces that brought some much needed peacefulness. They were swaying as the soft wind lulled their branches and leaves and Kakashi's visible eye registered some birds perched here and there. As he had told Amelia, he had been visiting that place every day since he had come back to London. His routine was always the same – he started with his parents' graves, replaced the withered flowers and then visited Amelia's Dad, doing the same to his flowers. He constantly lost track of time, his mind always finding old memories to revisit, scenarios to replay or new thoughts to digest.
Finding solace in one of the darkest places he knew seemed almost impossible, yet that happened to be true about his visits to that graveyard. There were no answers there but there were no questions as well, which probably explained why he was able to leave that place with a profound sense of peacefulness every morning.
Amelia kneeled in front of his parents' tombstones and waved her wand. The withered flowers he had placed there the day before vanished and were replaced by a bouquet of white daisies – her favorite flowers. Then, she stepped back and took his side, her eyes looking past the tombstones, looking far, far away from where they were.
"You came here when I was away."
It was a statement, not a question, and Amelia nodded her head in confirmation.
"Have you been coming here for the past ten years?"
"Yes."
Kakashi turned around to regard her, but Amelia kept her eyes forward.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why did you keep coming here? Why did you bother coming here when you hated me?"
Amelia snickered at his small outburst. There was definite accusation in his tone.
"I see you're still the same presumptuous arrogant git after all these years."
"What do you mean?"
"What part don't you understand, Kakashi?"
Her tone seemed almost bored, tired. Kakashi stepped back.
"You hate me, Amelia. I can see it in your eyes."
"Can you? Look again, then."
Amelia turned around and then stepped in front of him. Her eyes bore on his with that same fierce determination he both dreaded and cherished at the same time. Her face looked unemotional, blank, completely unreadable. True to her word, she sustained her gaze and he kept digging it, trying to find what she should feel, that hatred, that darkness, those hideous and dark feelings that he knew he was worthy of. He came back empty-handed.
"Red…"
Amelia blinked and sighed heavily. Then, she clutched her right forearm with her left hand, her eyes scurrying away from his face and lingering on the ground. Her discomfort could not be any more obvious, but Amelia was clearly fighting with herself to overcome whatever demons she was dealing with in that moment. After a minute, she swallowed hard and looked up, jaw clenched.
"I am angry at you, Kakashi. Merlin, I am so, so angry at you! I'm disappointed. I'm confused. You hurt me. You broke my heart. You left without a word. You disappeared from my life. You left me all alone! But you know what?", she paused and regarded him with nostrils flared. "I don't hate you. I don't think I've ever hated you, not even for one day during those past ten years," her voice trailed off and Kakashi's lips parted at the way she was staring so intently at him, her fists balled to her side and her jaw trembling as she did her best to grit her teeth and keep on going. "I want to hate you. Merlin, I want so much to hate you! I want to look at you and loathe you, despise you and I fucking can't! I want to hate your stupid lopsided headband and your ridiculous messy hair, the way you can never seem to tame it! I want to hate that you are a closeted pervert and I want to hate your witty comebacks! I want to hate you for throwing away six years of friendship and never telling me why! I want to hate that after all those years, you still know me so well, that you still fucking care about me! But I can't fucking hate you, goddammit!"
She had no tears in her eyes. Instead, they were narrowed, throwing daggers at him as if she really blamed him for everything she had just confessed. Being the object of her anger hurt, but a small part of him was actually relieved that Amelia did not in fact hate him. He… he could deal with her anger. He could turn that around. Her hatred was an entire story altogether.
Hatred and indifference… If she did hate him, she would forget about him. If she did hate him, the only thing Amelia would spare for him would be indifference. If there were an ounce of hatred in her heart, it would poison everything – every memory, every remembrance, every single thing they had shared one day. If she hated him, she would not have had tea with him or fixed his headband or sought out his help. If Amelia hated him, she would not have gone for a walk with him, played their old games, come to his house. If Amelia hated Kakashi, she would not be there.
Why, then? Why did she do that? Why wouldn't she hate him? Her anger seemed such a small thing compared to what he deserved. Her wrath, her utmost fury fell short of everything he had done, of the suffering he had inflicted and the pain he had caused. She was supposed to hate him! Why wouldn't she, then? Why?
"What you say you see in my eyes is what you want to see," she muttered evenly as if she was reading his thoughts. He supposed his façade did not matter to someone like her who could always read him like an open book. "Probably what you deserve. Probably what you think I should feel. But it's not how I feel."
Even though they had grown apart those ten years, they had grown side by side for so many years. Kakashi was far too naïve to understand that sometimes the heart's memory discards the bad and magnifies the good. Perhaps that was why Amelia had managed to bear the burden of their past. Perhaps that was why she was looking at him like that – like she still clung to it.
"Why?"
"You know me. I have always been the rebellious type, the one who doesn't act like they should," she shrugged, looking away and frowning.
"You're avoiding my question, Red."
Amelia looked up and tilted her head to the side. He must be looking very desperate for she acquiesced.
"Remember when I came here with you for the first time?"
Yes, he remembered. He remembered that day very well. Amelia had crossed a line that day that no one else had ever crossed. It was back then that he realized that their friendship went deeper than anything he knew.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah."
"You've been staring at these tombstones in silence for the past hour, Kakashi."
"Well, that's what I do when I come here."
"Why?"
"It's not like I can actually talk to my parents, Red," he rolled his eyes and Amelia sneered at him.
"If I'd known you'd act so insufferably, I wouldn't have asked to come."
It was summer before the start of their fourth year and Amelia had finally decided to ask Kakashi if she could come with him to visit his parents in the London graveyard where they had been buried. Kakashi always came there over the summer holidays and his mood afterwards made her uneasy and worried for him. He would usually shut down for days, and look sullen and sulky. He would avoid her questions and spend his time doing things he could do by himself like reading his muggle novels or stay locked in the guest room. It was not like Amelia was bothered by that behavior; he was entitled to deal with grief and sorrow however he wanted. However, she wanted to do something about it, help him deal with it, be the friend she knew he needed.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, raising one hand and raking his fingers through his hair. "I don't know why I do this, Red. I guess I should only miss them. But I also feel angry that I'm all alone."
"You're not alone," she frowned and bumped his shoulder softly with a small wan smile.
"You know I am," he countered, his eyes flicking indignantly all of a sudden. "I know it wasn't Mum's fault that she felt sick, but Dad… Dad chose to leave me, Red. He knew what would happen if he offed himself and he did it all the same!"
Amelia looked stunned on the spot and immediately regretted her words. She had never seen Kakashi so angry. He had never told her what had happened with his father and she had learned the horrible and tragic truth when her own Dad had finally agreed to tell her. Sakumo was a well-known auror. White Fang, that was the nickname he had earned from the wizarding community after defeating a number of dark wizards. When Kakashi was five years old, almost one year after his Mum had passed, his Dad had gone on a mission that had changed their lives forever. Amelia did not know the specifics, but Sakumo apparently had abandoned a mission in order to save his squad. The wizarding community had taken to vilify the wizard because that failed mission had ultimately resulted in a dark artifact being retrieved by a group of dark wizards. He had fallen in a deep depression and had committed suicide shortly afterwards, leaving an orphaned five-year old Kakashi.
"Your Dad was a hero, Kakashi," she mouthed.
Kakashi looked up and found Amelia standing right in front of him, her hand raised to touch his arm. Angry, he slapped her hand and turned around, miffed at her annoying and prying behavior. Amelia was not having it, though. She pulled his arm back and made him look at her. The difference in their height made no difference because even though she was the one looking up at him, her face looked much darker than he had ever seen.
"What's that for? Why don't you believe me?"
"A hero, Red? He broke the rules, he almost brought chaos to our community! We were lucky that better and more suited aurors managed to undo what he did! He's nothing but scum!"
"Do you hear yourself right now, Kakashi? You sound like a self-righteous stupid bastard."
"And you have no idea what you're talking about! Weren't you supposed to be bloody clever, Hardy? Merlin, and you call yourself my friend!"
"Which is exactly why I'm telling you to cut the bullshit and hear yourself, Hatake!"
"It's too easy for you to talk about my good-for-nothing Dad when you have a family!"
His eyes were narrowed and he was standing so close to her that Amelia could feel his warm breath tickle the edge of her nose. She stepped even forward to the point where she could see her faint silhouette reflected in his dark grey eye. Before he could protest, she placed both hands around his shoulders and held him in place.
"That's exactly why I know you shouldn't think like that about your Dad! You're always going on and on about the importance of following rules, you always act like a presumptuous arrogant git that happens to know how people should act! You don't, Kakashi! Yes, maybe people who break rules and don't act how they should act are scum! But those who abandon their friends are worse than scum!"
Kakashi's lips were curled in disdain at Amelia's outrage and her face was also twisted angrily as she dealt with that stubborn git. He was always complaining about her stubbornness, but he was worse when he went that way. It was rare, she knew, because her bouts of stubbornness were much more frequent than his and much worse to deal with if she was being honest with herself. However, she knew that she was right – he was a presumptuous arrogant git and a self-righteous stupid bastard. He had no idea what he was implying with his harsh words and intolerant behavior.
"He left me, Red," he mumbled in a calculating tone, his gaze cold and hard upon her face.
"Do you actually think he's really gone?"
Her right hand was now touching his chest, exactly where his heart happened to be. He looked down and frowned, his visible eye studying her small hand, her complexion and the shape of her nails. He wondered for a moment if she could feel his heart quickening or if she had happened to see the way he swallowed hard at her unexpected proximity.
"You're not alone, Kakashi. If you stop being such a git, you'll realize you'll never be alone. Your Mum and Dad will never leave you. Nor will I."
"What if you do, Red? What if I'm all alone?"
"We're friends. We'll never really leave each other. Even if one of us does, we will always want to come back."
"How can you be so sure?", he asked with a slight edge to his voice and blatant skepticism.
"The same way I'm sure about your Dad. You know he loved you very much."
Kakashi found himself at a loss of words. Suddenly, there was some moisture in his burning eyes and wretched frustration in the way he gritted his teeth to contain that surge he loathed with his entire will. His chest tightened and ached with renewed frustration, but before he could chastise himself for that display of what he considered weakness and inferiority, Amelia's hands were slipping in his.
"Don't ever doubt again that I'm your friend, you insensitive git," she warned him halfheartedly and Kakashi could not help the small snort that came out of his mouth. A distraction. That was exactly what he needed in that moment.
"I won't. You're my best friend, Red. I know I told you that Mum would've liked you very much, but I think Dad would too. In fact, he would probably like you even more than I do."
They had exchanged awkward smiles at his confession and spent the rest of the morning holding hands in silence in front of his parents' tombstones. Kakashi had finally opened up about his parents later that day when Amelia slipped into the guest bedroom in the middle of the night just like she always did. After that day, Amelia had been at his side every time he came to that place, her hand always intertwined with his though they had never dared address it until more than two years after that first time.
Perhaps the thing about friendship is not the kind smile, the outstretched hand, the hugs in the darkness or the prompt ears. Rather, the thing about friendship is the willingness to look past our flaws and understand what lies deep inside our hearts. In spite of our mistakes and imperfections, in spite of our unworthiness, a friend is someone who is able to look past all of that and still trust you with their friendship. The unspoken things, those little things one does not need to say because they simply feel it. Despite all the pain and heartbreak, it was still there. Love.
"Is that what you really think, Amelia?"
"As difficult as it may seem, yes, it is," she answered, nodding her head with conviction.
"I… I don't understand," he replied, grabbing his own shoulders and pressing his fingertips there as if he could squeeze out an answer, a reaction, a solution to that puzzling conundrum.
"I don't understand either, Kakashi," Amelia admitted, drawing a straight line with her foot on the ground, her brows furrowed in concentration as if she too expected to find a solution to that puzzling conundrum there. "I am still angry and hurt. We are no longer friends. But, you know, maybe we can be again one day."
"You should rather be all alone, Amelia. I'm worse than scum. I'm the worst friend one could possibly ask for."
"Yeah, maybe you are. I'm not going to disagree with the obvious. But no one would choose loneliness over a true friend, no matter how unworthy he might be."
Kakashi looked up, bewildered, and saw nothing but adamancy beneath her eyes. Amelia was serious and her resolution was almost palpable. Yes, he could read it in her body language, in the way her back was straightened and her hands were curled up to her side, the slight clench to her jaw. More than that, though, it was in the passionate tone of her voice, the blazing sparkle in her hazel eyes and that aura of stubbornness enveloping her entire body.
"Do you still believe in what you told me that first time we came here, then?"
"Yeah, I think I do," she gave him a slanted smile and a quiet sigh. "Maybe it's not what I should do. But it's what I will do."
"I really did want to come back the moment I left."
His admission surprised even Kakashi himself. He had been keeping those words to himself for so much time and the wave of relief that washed over him was almost as overwhelming as the two words that escaped Amelia's lips.
"I know."
Blazing hazel eyes were staring at his visible dark grey eye another time. No, the sun did not even begin to make justice to that sight. She could scorch the ground with that intensity. How did she manage to look so vulnerable and strong-willed at the same time? Rebellious type… With that unparalleled stubbornness, maybe that was true, but Kakashi could not help but wonder for a moment if there were even enough words to describe that witch. Even after those many years, Amelia still held numerous nuances that he had yet to figure out. She was one of a kind.
"I owe you an explanation."
"Yes, you do," she agreed with a knowing look, her expression tired. Their sleep deprivation was finally getting to them. "But this is neither the time nor the place. For now, let's just stay here for a little while."
Amelia took his side and Kakashi gave her a small nod. Maybe she had rubbed off more than just her tardiness on him. Feeling a bout of courage and boldness, Kakashi slipped his hand on hers. Amelia stiffened for a moment and looked down to study their clasped hands, but made no further movement or recoiled anymore. They kept staring forward and only forward, looking forward to what was yet to come. Quietly and slowly, the hours of that pleasant summer morning stretched and they only moved again when they stopped at her Dad's tombstone and later again when Amelia decided to follow Kakashi back to his home.
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A/N: there you have it. I feel like we needed a lighter chapter after that last one. And even though my plan for this chapter was slightly different, this is where my writing took me when I started writing my thoughts down. I really hope you enjoy this one. One disclaimer is that this story is not going supposed to last a large number of chapters, so this is why some ends are beginning to tie.
I would also like to thank everyone who followed this piece and especially those who reviewed it. LylaBarnes, Guest, Granger, maplemare and JakOvsumTrade, thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and impressions. I am so glad that reactions were positive to that last chapter and that I was able to convey his feelings through my writing. JakOvsumTrade, I totally get what you said and would like to thank you for giving this a chance. Even if you change your mind eventually, I'm glad I was able to catch your attention. Maplemare, I hope everything's good with you and I'm so happy you've enjoyed that last one. Spinning the flashbacks is a huge part of this piece, so thank you so much for your kind words!