Chapter 7

A/N: Am I doing an entire chapter mostly in Derek's POV? Yes, I am. Am I also changing the timeline for events in Private Practice to fit this story? Also yes. Enjoy.

Derek tried to think where it all went wrong. Where did the love that Meredith had for him disappear to? Was it something in the last six months? The last year? They were happy before the trial, before Meredith's major screw up. He still didn't know the details, just that he was blacklisted forever. Blacklisted over something his wife (newly ex-wife, he thought bitterly) had done. But was it already cracking before the trial had even begun? Surely not.

He thought back to a conversation he had with Addison, after Meredith went into the bay. After Addison had dragged him from Ellis Grey's room, after he had yelled at Meredith's mother because…

"That woman is... "

"She's cold," Addison had interrupted, and no doubt she was thinking of her own mother, "There's no question, but she can't help herself, and she certainly can't fix Meredith."

"It's my fault."

"Don't," Addison started.

"See, I knew what was going on, and I wasn't there for her."

"You're human."

"She was pulling away from me and I just...it's just…"

There was something in Addison's eyes, hurt, confusion maybe, he wasn't sure, even now, "You think...you think that she went in the water on purpose?" The disbelief in her tone struck him as odd. She didn't know Meredith, hadn't been the one to pull her out of the bathtub that morning.

"She knows how to swim, she's a good swimmer."

Addison had gently grabbed his face, forcing him to look at her," Derek, you don't know that she's…" She stopped and steeled herself, "No, you do not get to break down, you don't get to fall apart. Not when there's still a chance, and there still is a chance Derek." If he had imagined that one day Addison would be comforting him about his girlfriend, he would've laughed.

"Ok," He'd answered.

"Ok," Addison had echoed.

She'd been trying to keep herself together too, he realized. She'd been speaking to him, but she was also reassuring herself. Even back then, when she should've hated Meredith, she was… He stopped, frowning at the way his thoughts were heading. No, it was ridiculous. Addison didn't even deserve Meredith. She was tainted; she ruined everything she touched. 11 years of marriage had taught him that much.

He'd spent the day after his meeting with Dr. Wyatt cleaning the house. It was hard, only being able to use one hand, but he'd managed. He'd make the house their home again. He would make her fall back in love with him.

"I love you, Meredith Grey, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning, and you saved me."

"I know you love me, Meredith. I won't let you pull away again. We can fix this together."

As he laid down on the bed to sleep, he tried to think of the perfect plan. Her schedule was supposed to be all 12s this week, he knew, because he would be on the same rotation once he was back. I'll make you love me again, he thought as the haze of sleep fell over him, I will.

He blinked sleepily at the alarm clock as it blared loudly. He'd been having a great dream, so he wasn't quite sure why it had gone off like it had. The neon red letters stared back at him. 11:30. Meredith was due to get off around midnight.

"I fell in love with her." Meredith's words sounded over and over in his head; they'd been there all day, ever since she told him.
And yes, he's signed the divorce papers, but that didn't mean he wasn't still in love with her. He just had to make her see that he was still the love of her life. He had to. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and dressed quickly. She probably didn't have a ride home, so he would be there to give her one. He would start by being friends with her, and then she'd see that she was still in love with him. He made the quick trip to the hospital, trying to calm himself. They were in love; just because they divorced doesn't mean that went away.

"That doesn't just go away because I chose to stay with you." He'd told Addison once and at the time, he'd felt guilty over seeing the pain in her eyes. Now though, he wished he'd stayed with Meredith from the beginning. Maybe Addison would've left sooner.

Assuming Meredith would be in the Attendings lounge, he made his way there first. Finding it empty, he figured he'd missed her on the way in. As he made his way back to the hospital entrance, he tried to think of what to say.

I figured you'd needed a ride home.

How about I give you a lift home?

There's no reason we can't still be friends.

Each one sounded more ridiculous. She was the love of his life, damn it. She should still want to be with him.

As he rounded the corner to the lobby, he finally saw her. Meredith was sitting on one of the many couches, leaning back, eyes closed. God, she looked beautiful. She was beautiful. Just looking at her made him happy, like he could forget his problems. As he started to approach her, he faltered as her name was called.

He watched as Addison came in through the hospital doors, an easy smile on her lips. She was wearing a pair of jeans, Meredith's Dartmouth shirt, a long peacoat and sneakers. Did Addison even own sneakers? And why did she have to be wearing Meredith's ratty Dartmouth shirt?

He snuck closer just to hear what was being said.

"You look exhausted," Addison said as she held open Meredith's jacket for her.

Meredith hummed in reply, letting Addison help her, "I feel exhausted."

"Let's get you home then."

It felt so surreal to be watching this exchange, but as he continued to, he was struck with the familiarity of it. He remembered how he'd helped Meredith with her coat the night Addison first walked into Seattle Grace. And everything had come crashing down from there.

"- appreciate you coming to pick me up," Meredith was saying.

"It's no trouble. Lexie brought pizza for dinner."

He felt like an interloper. But at the same time, he didn't. Meredith was just confused, damn it. He loved her; she loved him. Addison was just a fling, a reaction to the plane crash.

"Addison and I weren't having an affair, and this wasn't some kind plot to make you jealous." It may not have been an affair, but she'd still cheated on him. It still hurt. If only he felt jealous. Maybe of Addison for kissing Meredith the first time he saw it happen. Now, now he just felt angry. And he wasn't all too sure who he was angrier with. Maybe Addison. She took advantage of Meredith in a traumatic time, had used it to her gain. If she hadn't come back to check up on everyone, then none of this would've happened. He and Meredith would still be happily married. He glared at the redhead, though he doubted she could even see him, as he kept back against the wall and out of sight.

But Meredith, God, he was livid with Meredith. She knew how he felt about cheating. She knew, and she still cheated on him.

"Pizza sounds so good right now," Meredith's voice broke him from his thoughts.

"And you've still got to meet Milo." Addison said as she wrapped an arm around her waist. He watched as Meredith leaned into her, "He loves Zola, so he'll love you too."

"I don't know," He could hear the playfulness in the blonde's tone, "I don't have a way with pussies like you do, Addie."

Addison's laugh cut deep. That should be him with Meredith, sharing inside jokes, not her.

"Oh, I don't know," Addison's voice dropped, and it was harder to hear her, "I think you have a way with everything, Dr. Grey."

Meredith didn't say anything to that, and he looked around the corner to find out why. And then immediately wished he hadn't. Meredith had Addison in a gentle kiss, and Addison was holding loosely to the lapels of Meredith's jacket as she responded. And it was so wrong. So fucking wrong. Meredith was his, damn it. What right did Addison have to steal her away?

"I need food," Meredith said as they broke apart, "And a shower, and to kiss my daughter. And to sleep."

"I can help you with all of those," Addison replied, "Especially the shower."

He hated her. He'd hated her when she'd cheated on him with Mark; hated her when she'd shown up in Seattle; hated her for all the comments she'd made about him not hurting Meredith again, like she had any right to tell him that; hated that Meredith had confided in her; hated her when she'd been the one to check Meredith out after her near car accident. But most of all, he hated her because she'd somehow taken Meredith from him; she'd weaved her web, made Meredith fall under her spell. He hated her because she loved Meredith, was kissing Meredith; and the worst part was that Meredith believed that she was in love with her. And that was unacceptable.

He watched as the two women held hands, as Meredith bent down to grab the folder with the signed papers he'd left on her things that afternoon; watched as Addison took Meredith's bag from her with a patient smile; watched the two head towards the exit.

"Addison and I have never slept together." She'd said.

He frowned. Now, they didn't have a reason not to. The thought made him sick.

It was nearly three days later when he saw Meredith again, and, like last time, she wasn't alone. He'd just finished up a consult for Jackson and was heading towards Owen's office. He actually had an appointment with Dr. Wyatt soon, but he just needed time to himself. God, that woman could get into his head. He stopped on the bridge leading to Owen's office. The bridge where he and Mark had fought, where he'd gotten shot, where Meredith had begged him not to die. As he looked out the window at the horizon, he tried to think of all the good. He'd fallen in love again in this hospital, started his family here. He and Meredith had come so far, and for it to end like it had…

"...it's fine, Lexie." Her voice pierced through his thoughts, and he turned to see her and Lexie coming through the doors, heading towards Owen's office, not even seeing him.

"Are you sure? Because I know that there's history," Lexie rambled.

"You and Mark are family. Of course you can stay," And whatever else was lost as they continued out of earshot.

He felt so out of touch with everyone. He still had time before his appointment, so maybe he should go and see Mark. He'd been avoiding him since he'd blown up at him.

He watched from the doorway. Mark was sitting up in bed, holding Sofia carefully; the baby was enamored by her father, grabbing at him and giggling as he pretended to bite her fingers.

Miranda's voice was gentle yet firm, "You are to do no heavy lifting whatsoever, Sloan. Take it easy for a few days. No hanky-panky. You hear me, Grey? Don't let him try to convince you with his Mcwhatever smile."

Lexie blushed and stammered out a, "Yes, Dr. Bailey."

"And you two," He just now realized that Addison was standing beside Callie, both of them next to Mark, "make sure he keeps his appointment."

"Absolutely," Callie confirmed.

"Well, he and Lexie will be staying with Meredith and I for a few days, so I don't see how that'll be a problem." Addison added. The ease in which she said that actually stung.

"And where is Meredith?" Bailey asked.

"She had a consult with Jackson and Amelia," Addison answered.

"Check up with me next week, Mark Sloan, and you may see the inside of an OR before the end of the month."

Mark grinned, "Alright," He turned to look at him then, like he knew he was there the entire time, and, knowing Mark, he probably did, "That's good, right, Derek?"

He felt all the eyes in the room shift to him and resisted the urge to back away, "That's great, Mark."

"What are you lurking in the doorway for? Come in here."

And for a moment, he considered it. Mark was his best friend. Miranda and Callie were his friends. Lexie was his protégé. But he couldn't be in the same room as Addison. He was barely able to handle the neonatal consult yesterday. Every time he saw her, he'd barely kept his anger in check. Be professional, he reminded himself. That was all he had to do.

"That's alright," He plastered on a smile, "I'll stop by in a bit, alright?"

He started down the hall, checking his watch. Damn it, he was already late. Dr. Wyatt was going to kill him.

"Derek," Addison said from behind him.

He stopped but didn't turn around. Breathe, Derek. Breathe, "What is it?"

"You don't have to...you can go and visit Mark. I'll leave."

"The state?" He questioned harshly.

Addison sighed softly, "No, Derek, the room. I'm not leaving Seattle Grace."

He looked at her then, turning sharply, "I thought you were just covering for Arizona?"

"I am. But I've also taken my position as Head of OB back."

"And what happened to being all zen in L.A.?" He bit out, "Don't you have a life there?"

"My life is here," She answered calmly.

He rolled his eyes, starting his way back down the hallway, "Unbelievable. You should never have come back here, Addison."

"My friends were in a plane crash, Derek!" She called after him, "Did you expect me to just stay while you all could've died? Do you really think I'm that heartless?"

He turned immediately and found that she had followed him down the hall, "We all could've died in the shooting too, but you didn't want to come rushing back for that!"

Something flashed in Addison's eyes, "I would've come back after the shooting had my mother not died, Derek. I was in Connecticut."

It felt like a bucket of cold water was dropped on his head, "What?"

"It doesn't matter now. But don't you dare accuse me of not caring. I heard about the shooting after I got back to L.A."

"You still didn't come," he replied.

She smiled sadly, "I'm back now, and that's what matters."

And then he watched her walk away.

An hour later, he stepped out of Dr. Wyatt's office. Unlike the last time, he was feeling almost upbeat. He'd talked about his frustration over his hand, about his argument with Addison, about his annoyance over not talking to Meredith in over three days.

"I just want her to see that I'm still in love with her."

"You can still be in love with her, Derek, but you have to understand that just because you love her, she doesn't have to love you back."

"I do," He'd answered.

He did; he did understand. She didn't have to love him back, but that didn't mean he couldn't love her. He may have been in love with Addison once, but Meredith was the love of his life, his soulmate. They were meant to be. He would show her every day that he loved her.

Meredith sighed as she stepped out of the lab. Her consult with Amelia had resulted in her agreeing to scrub in on a surgery with the younger Shepherd. She was exhausted. Her standard 12-hour shift had turned into a 48-hour not long after she'd gotten in early yesterday morning. And now, on hour 26, all she wanted to do was find an on-call room to catch a few hours before she had to scrub in. No, scratch that, she wanted to page Addison to an on-call room, to be held by the woman.

They'd seen each other briefly this morning when Addison had dropped Zola off at daycare. Addison had bought her a bagel slathered with cream cheese and a coffee, had sat beside her in the Attending lounge while she ate. The redhead had run her fingers through her hair, had listened to her ramble through an apology about her schedule change. And then Addison had reassured her, had kissed her, right there in the Attendings lounge, without a care in the world, nevermind that there were people going in and out of the room.

"I'm a surgeon too," Addison had explained, "I understand."

She'd managed to have a quick chat with Lexie earlier, confirming their plans for Mark and Lexie to temporarily move in with them before they went back to their apartment. As they made their way to Mark's room, they caught up with Callie and Addison. Callie was bringing Sofia to see Mark; he was a bit apprehensive about it the first few times, not wanting to frighten her, but she'd taken one look at her Daddy on the bed and smiled wide, reaching out her arms for him. It had been cute to watch, that was for sure. Now, he held her like he used to, and everything was getting better. Bailey was on her way to Mark's room, and they were all hoping it meant he was getting discharged. As they were waiting for Bailey, she got the page from plastics and then from neuro.

How she was lucky enough to only have to scrub in on one surgery, she didn't know, but she was grateful that Richard had walked by as Jackson was going over the procedure. A second page came in from Amelia, and she was glad when Jackson waved her off with a smile.

And now, here she was, looking for an on-call room. She just needed a couple hours. Just a couple. And then she'd be good to scrub in on Amelia's surgery. Finding no on-call rooms open (seriously, did anybody use them for sleeping), she headed into the stairwell, not wanting to bother with the elevator or the pointed stares.

It was almost worse than when Derek had decided to stay with Addison; almost as bad as when she and Derek had called it quits the first time; hell, it was almost as bad as the stares she and Addison had received after their impromptu reunion in the middle of the surgical floor. No, the stares she got now were a mix of curiosity and rage. Curiosity every time she and Addison walked by together, by nurses and doctors and people who didn't know the whole story, and rage from Derek. Every time, without fail, his angry gaze would stare daggers into her back. She wouldn't even know he was in the room if he didn't stare like he did. He was still angry, even if he wasn't aware of it, so she did her best to avoid him.

And so, here she was, 26-hours into a shift she didn't want, exhausted, so exhausted she was sure she would sleep on the stairs if she had to. She was making her way down to 3, sure that there would be a bed open somewhere in this hospital, when the door opened behind her. She looked back on instinct, and there was Derek, making his way down the steps, his cold eyes trained on her. Un-fucking-believable.

Derek couldn't believe his luck. And just when he'd thought about paging her too, there was Meredith, watching as he joined her on the landing, "I've been looking for you."

"I don't have anything to say to you, Dr. Shepherd."

"Don't be like that, Meredith. I just want us to be friends," he said, gently grabbing her arm as she started to walk away.

"That's the last thing I want us to be," She replied.

"The last thing you want us to be?" Derek began in a quiet voice, and that was when she realized that it was the wrong thing to say, "How can you say that?"

"Dr. Shepherd, that's enough," She hissed out angrily, even as she struggled to pull her arm from his grasp. Why did he always grip her so tightly?

"How can you say that, Meredith? You really want to just forget these last years ever happened?"

"Doctor…" Meredith started.

"Derek," he hissed out as he backed her into the wall, "Not Dr. Shepherd! Derek! Say it!" She glared at him, pulling her arm against her chest. He shot his good hand out, smacking it against the wall beside her head, barely blinking when she flinched, "You are afraid of me, aren't you?"

"Fuck you," she bit out.

He saw red, slapping her hard in the face.

"No, fuck you, Meredith!" He growled out as she clutched her cheek, "Fuck. You. I gave you everything! Everything! And you treated me like a fucking toy!" He shoved his finger into her chest roughly, "You think you're some badass surgeon, but you're not. You're worthless. Even your parents never wanted you. Your mommy got to have a medical career until you came along and ruined her chances for more. And then your dad ran off and had a brand new starter family. You ruined both of their fucking lives, why am I not surprised you ruined mine too?" He saw the lone tear run down her face, but he didn't care. Not anymore, "You're going to end up all alone, you know that! You're nothing but a pathetic whore!" Meredith mumbled something under her breath, "What did you say?"

She looked up, tears burning, her eyes blazing in anger and defiance, "Fuck you, Derek! You don't know me at all!"

He raised his hand again, "You're a whore; there's nothing else I need to know."

Meredith braced herself for the next slap. Derek had an unhinged look in his eyes, his spittle being flung onto her face as he screamed at her, and all she kept doing was pouring fuel on the fire. But she couldn't stop because a part of her believed everything he was saying.

Her mother had never wanted her, she knew that. What have I told you about bothering me at work?!

Her father was a drunk who hadn't fought for her, had just let mother move them across the country. She still remembered his anger after Susan had died, the way he'd slapped her. You are no daughter of mine!

And now, Derek was saying everything she already thought, so why shouldn't she believe it? She braced herself for the hit that never came.

One minute Derek had his hand raised, poised to strike, and the next he was being pushed back against the other side of the wall. And then there was Alex, standing in front of her, as Derek picked himself off the floor.

"Alex," She breathed out.

"I could hear him out in the hall," Alex explained, "Pretty sure they can hear him two floors up. Are you alright, Mere?"

She opened her mouth to answer, but Derek spoke up, "Stay out of this, Karev. It has nothing to do with you."

"Shut up," Alex growled out. He turned to face her, "Are you alright?" She nodded. He turned back to Derek, "Get the hell out of here, Shepherd. Now."

Alex watched as Derek went up the stairs, back onto the 4th floor. He didn't keep his eyes off of him until he heard the door shut. What an asshole. He'd heard Shepherd as he was walking by the stairwell on 3. And at first, unsure of what he'd heard, he was going to ignore it. But his curiosity got the better of him. And thank God it had. To see Derek about to strike Meredith, to hear him yelling at her, to see her with that look in her eye, like she was believing everything he was saying, it set him off. He took in the handprint on her cheek and wished he'd decked him.

"Come on," he said as he led her down the steps, "You look like you're about to drop."

"Just need a few hours," She muttered, "Surgery with Amelia at 2."

He nodded and guided her to an on-call room. He made sure it was empty and then opened the door wider, "Go on. I'll page Addison."

"Alex, no, I'm fine," She protested.

"You look like you're about to cry, and if no one tells her, she's gonna go all Satan on me." Not to mention, she'll want to go all Satan on Derek too.

Meredith sighed, "Fine."

He offered her a gentle smile, "Besides, you wouldn't want anyone else to see you cry, not even Cristina."

Addison raced down the hallway, her heart pounding in her chest, Alex's page running through her mind over and over. 911 Meredith. She didn't even think, dropping the chart she'd been reading as soon as the words registered. A million different possibilities raced through her head, and she tried to reason with herself.

She caught sight of Alex waiting outside an on-call room on 3 and raced over.

"What is it? What happened? Where's Meredith?"

"She's in there," he gestured to the on-call room, "She's okay. A bit shaken up."

"What happened?"

Alex sighed, "I didn't hear all of it, but he was screaming at her in the stairwell. I'm sure people heard him two floors down, just going off on her. And Meredith just stood there, letting him do it."

"Who?" She asked but she had a sinking feeling just who it was. Alex looked away, "Tell me, Karev."

"Derek," Alex answered.

"I'll kill him," She hissed out.

"Woah there, Satan," he placed a hand on her arm, "Meredith needs you first. She's really shaken up. She didn't want me to page you."

"What?" She couldn't help the wave of hurt that washed over her.

"It's nothing personal; just a Mere thing. She doesn't like to bother people with her problems." Alex explained.

"I'll lock the door." She replied, "Will you make sure Hunt knows? And Webber and Bailey too?"

Alex nodded, "Will do."

"Thanks," She said and then she opened the door and stepped inside.

Meredith blinked as light filtered through the doorway. She hadn't been asleep, not that she had been trying, but still, the light was disorienting.

"Mind if I lay next to you?" Addison's voice came from the doorway.

She shook her head, "No, I don't mind."

The door was shut and locked within seconds, and she was beyond thankful. She was more thankful that Addison had sunk onto the bed beside her, wrapping her arms around her tightly. She didn't say anything else for a few minutes, just let herself be held by her beautiful girlfriend. Without even saying anything, Addison calmed her.

She licked her lips, her voice dry as she began quietly, "He cornered me in the stairwell. Said I ruined my parent's lives, called me a whore, slapped me," She tried to keep her voice from cracking but was failing miserably, "He said I would end up alone. And I was so scared, Addie. I've never seen him like that."

Addison tightened her hold, and she snuggled closer, "You are not a whore. You didn't ruin your parent's lives. You are not ending up alone. And I'm sorry he slapped you," She felt the tears in her eyes as she nodded, "You don't have to pretend you're okay. Let it out."

She couldn't stop the floodgates after that. She clutched the front of Addison's scrubs tightly as she cried. Addison never stopped holding her, never stopped whispering to her that she loved her. And as her tears stopped and she started to get sleepy, she tried to figure out why Addison had started to cry.

"Surgery with Amelia at 2," She muttered sleepily, "Have to be up, to scrub in."

"Sleep," Addison replied softly, as she stroked her hair, "I'll make sure you're up."

And there was so much she wanted to say. So much. But the haze of sleep made everything so hard, and then she was out like a light.

Addison couldn't stop the tears forming in her eyes as Meredith sobbed into her scrub shirt. She hated that Derek could do this to her, hated that Meredith would believe anything he said. But mostly, she hated that Derek had said anything at all. The man he was becoming scared her. As she took in the handprint on Meredith's cheek, she couldn't help feel guilty.

Never again. She'd said.

She couldn't protect her from Derek, she knew that; she'd just hoped that he would leave her alone. He would never accept their relationship. He hated her more, she figured, so he should've been taking jabs at her, not Meredith. But still, he harassed Meredith every chance he could get. And that wasn't okay. She didn't deserve it. Not from Derek, not from anyone. As Meredith slowly fell asleep, still clutching tight to the front of her scrubs, she was thinking of a plan.

He thought he was untouchable. She was going to make sure he knew he wasn't.

A/N: This was such a fun chapter to write, and I'm uploading it on my birthday too. Not quite sure how many more chapters until this is done, but probably soon. Please review!