December 1863
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Another month passed in relative calm and with such swiftness that I hardly had a chance to blink before snow blanketed the compound in a sheet of white. Each morning, earlier than the sun could rise, I trained with Saito in our secret space in the side gardens by my study. In secret, as far as I could tell. I still suffered from my trauma, but I was able to hold my blade without shaking now. I did not believe anything had changed in my mind that helped me overcome my fear of killing. It was Saito's strength that helped me keeping moving forward on the road to mending. It was his silent and unspoken faith in me the helped me heal, the origin of which I still couldn't comprehend.

"Are you ready, Yukimura-kun?" he asked one particularly chilly December morning as we sparred. "Show me you remember the technique I showed you yesterday."

I nodded, hands tight around the hilt of my blade. "Please. Attack." He stood a few paces away, his sword still sheathed.

I'd been fascinated by his mastery of Iai, the art of drawing one's sword at the speed of lightning. Thus far, even after a month of training, I still hadn't been able to block a single one of his attacks when he used this skill. I wanted to, though. My thirst for growth surprised even myself. Fighting Saito was liberating. I no longer held any fear of hurting him; no matter how furiously I attacked, he moved so quickly and with such skill and expertise that I was never able to land a single blow. And, by the same token, I trusted his ability so completely that I knew he would never lose control and hurt me during our sparring sessions. In this way, I thought perhaps I was slowly shedding the fear holding me back from using my sword. But, also, I worried that I would only be able to use it when I was with Saito. I didn't want to use his strength as a crutch; I had no desire to depend on him to such an extent, even if he wouldn't have minded.

"Remember," he warned me after we exchanged several blows. I'd failed to block him again and had fallen on my rump more times that I cared to admit. "Mind your footwork. If you try to follow my blade too closely, you lose focus and trip over your feet." At first, his blunt criticism of my swordsmanship stung, but I'd been able to put aside my ego after a few sessions. Saito only ever spoke when it was necessary. Not a single word was wasted. He did not ridicule others or brag about his skills. If he said he was better than someone, it was nothing but the truth, and he was not afraid to prove it was so.

"I'm ready. Please attack."

When we first started training, his movements often resembled lightning strikes. They were too fast for me to follow, and I had no hope of defending. Since then, however, Saito had taught me the meaning of sensing another warrior's ki, the life force that was present in all of a living being's actions. As Saito's hand wrapped around the hilt of his sword, I let out a steady breath. Reaching out with my senses, I tried to feel for the moment when his intent would shift. From calm to savage; from peace to the drive to kill. As we stood facing each other in the falling snow, I let go of all the discomfort in my body. I forgot how cold my skin felt, forgot how sore my feet and arms were. I ignored the wind tugging at my hair and the sweat dripping down my lower back. I distanced myself from the heat of my exhausted body and sent everything toward my opponent.

Just like the man himself, Saito's ki felt like the edge of a sharpened blade. Running my senses through it made me shiver; if I moved too much one way or another, the raw power of his life force would cut me apart. I waited and waited for ripples in the calm…

One breath…

Two…

Then—

Pressure—hot, like boiling water—splashed across my awareness. I moved instinctively, unable to plan ahead or think about how I would block. I just moved. I reacted. My sword connected with something with such force that my teeth screamed in pain as they knocked together. My fingers, forearms, and elbows went numb. But, I didn't have time to wonder why. Again, I felt his malice; I sensed the ripples in the pool. Again, I moved without thought or reason. And again, my body took another heavy blow. This time, I couldn't hold my ground. I lost my balance, felt my body giving in to the raw power in his momentum.

Not today!

I fought back. With all my remaining strength, I held my ground.

Slowly, awareness returned, and I saw Saito's widened eyes. I lost myself in the wonder in his gaze, for I'd never seen him look so stunned. I looked down; our blades were locked together. I'd done it. I'd blocked not one, but two of his strikes. Gingerly, we stepped back from one another.

"Saito-san…" I gasped. "I…I did it!" Elation filled me like a balloon. I felt strong enough to soar, to fly, to run and run endlessly until I reached the edge of the world. "I can't believe it…"

"A splendid strike," Saito murmured, sheathing his sword. "Once again, your blade was not clouded. Remember how that felt. That is how a warrior must always feel in battle."

"Thank you, Saito-san, but I'm still not strong enough," I rubbed at my hands, stretching my wrists. I still couldn't feel my arms. I thought I saw Saito's eyebrow furrow for a moment as he approached. His hands slipped over mine without preamble, and he began to gently rub them between his own. His fingers massaged between my knuckles. I suppressed a moan of relief when the soreness in my hands melted away.

"Strength will come in time," he said, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his actions were rather intimate. Saito had done this on several occasions. He truly had no concept of how much he was flustering me. When he was focused, nothing could deter him, particularly things like propriety or appearances. I scrambled to keep my thoughts from going into disarray and to focus on what he was saying.

"It takes time to develop mastery of anything. You are making good progress." Glancing at his scarf, I tried to ignore how hot his hands felt over mine despite the frigid weather, how each one of his callouses rasping over my knuckles sent butterflies aflutter in my stomach. Over and over, I tried to tell myself my heart was pounding because of our earlier exchange, and not because of how close he was to me.

Just when I thought I might lose my mind if he didn't let me go soon, a whistle from somewhere behind us startled me. I turned to look at the sound, my hand immediately sliding to my sword. The edge of Saito's lips curved upward.

"Well, well," a familiar voice called. "Hajime-kun praising someone? That's a first." From the dense snow-covered brush, Souji stepped out to greet us. My breath caught, for I hadn't seen him in several weeks. He'd gone to Edo with Hijikata and Kondou on business. Somehow, my daily routine had felt much emptier with him gone. With no one to tease me or frustrate me to break up the monotony of the day, I was starting to long for his company.

"Okita-san, you've returned." I couldn't help but smile, unable to place why I was so relieved to see him after so long. His cunning green eyes slid between Saito and me. Though I'd stepped back from him, I couldn't help but blush. How long had Souji been watching us?

"I feel left out, Chizuru-chan. If you were bored and wanted someone to play with," he stepped right up to me, "you should have sent me a letter. I would have come home to you right away."

"I was worried," I said without thinking.

"About what? Me?"

I nodded. "You still hadn't recovered when you and Hijikata-san left." I tilted my head and examined him. His complexion looked much improved. "How is your cough? And your breathing? How is your appetite?" My fingers were still numb, so I couldn't take his pulse. But I did reach up on my tiptoes to put my palm over his forehead. No fever, thank the Stars.

"I'm just fine, doctor," he joked. His lips pressed together in that special smile that always made my heart beat a little faster. "But look at you, sparring with Hajime-kun. Do you have a death wish or something?"

Saito cleared his throat. "It is good you've returned. I would like to speak to you and the Vice Commander. I believe Yukimura-kun's skills with a blade are sufficient to allow her to accompany us on patrols."

Souji blinked at him. I couldn't quite read his expression. His smile had faded. "Is that so…"

Was he against Saito's proposition for some reason? Was it because he didn't believe what Saito said?

"Okita-san, of course I'm not good enough to hold my own against you and Saito-san. But, if you would spar with me, you could judge my skill for yourself."

When he glanced at me, he couldn't quite hide his surprise. Taking a step back, he stroked his chin. "Chizuru-chan…are you serious?"

"Yes. I want to search for my father in the city. I can't possibly find clues about his whereabouts if I'm stuck in the compound every day. I understand that Kondou-san doesn't want me walking in Kyoto by myself, but if I could follow you on your patrols, I could stay under watch and search for Father at the same time."

Souji crossed his arms over his chest and looked back towards Saito. "Hijikata is going to have a fit. You know that, don't you?"

"I am aware."

"I'm guessing he doesn't know about your little training sessions, either. So close to twilight?"

Saito didn't answer him. Tension thickened between them, but I didn't understand why. Was it so terrible that Saito had been helping me? Had I done something wrong by accepting his offer?

"Okita-san? What's wrong?"

When he turned back to me, his mask was firmly in place again, along with one of his many playful smiles. "Nothing for you to worry about. It's just between Hajime-kun and me."

"Did…did you want to test me?" I asked, growing nervous. I clasped my hands together before me.

"Another day, maybe," he said and poked my shoulder. "You're always telling everyone not to push themselves too hard, but you look pretty tired and frozen. Run on back inside, take a bath, and warm up. Hajime-kun and I will talk to Hijikata."

"Really? You will?" I couldn't help beaming up at him. My heart skittered into a frantic rhythm of excitement. With both of them vouching for me, I might have a chance! Just imagining being able to leave the compound made me tremble in anticipation. Souji chucked, his emerald eyes softening. He gently pushed me in the direction of the bath house.

"Go on," he said. "We will find you when we have news."

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After taking a quick bath, I donned my black and gold physician's garb and began my rounds. After stopping by the kitchens to supervise the menu for several soldiers recovering from recent illness, I went to the mess hall in the main building of the compound. Today, I'd scheduled a physical examination for several groups of new recruits and some of the captains. Harada, Nagakura, and Heisuke arrived shortly after I did, leading a group of recruits in tow. Up until this moment, I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this, but as soon as the men started stripping to their waists, the physician in me took over and I didn't feel quite as embarrassed as I feared I would.

I cleared the new recruits one by one, checking their hair for lice, their lungs, their hearts, and their pulses. I asked each one about their condition: how they felt, their appetite, their training. I prescribed tonics for digestive worries, salves for dry skin, ointments for old scars, and tinctures for fitful sleep. By the time the three captains made it to me, I had a full list of medications written down to start brewing. I examined Heisuke, who blushed when I brought my face close to his chest to listen to his breathing and Nagakura, who was all too happy to show off his lean and lithe body. I was still smiling and laughing when Harada stepped up in front of me and began removing his shirt.

All this time, I'd seen Harada as a kind of guardian. I'd never had a sibling, but I imagined if I did, he might be like Nagakura or Harada. Whatever softness I felt for him was of that kind—platonic—but when I turned to examine his large body, everything changed. He saw me hesitate and smiled in a reassuring way. However, it only served to make me more anxious. Heisuke and Nagakura's jokes and laughter faded into the background as I held Harada's wrist between my hands to check his pulse. I tried to keep my mind on the task at hand, but he was just so…big…that it was hard to ignore him. When I pressed the cold metal of my stethoscope against his chest, he asked me curiously what it was. I explained it was a Western tool invented to diagnose the condition of the heart and lungs. He seemed amazed at that.

"Um…Harada-san…if you could just sit, I'll step around…" I rambled, pushing him into a sitting position. I couldn't hope to reach his back and shoulders if he was standing. My cheeks hurt with how red they were. Every inch of him was toned and firm, speaking to his rigorous training regimen and his life as a warrior. My eyes took in each of his scars with a hint of sadness. He had seen his share of battles, of that there could be no doubt.

"Now, take a deep breath and let it out slowly." I listened to the deep steady rhythm of his heart. The sound slowly put me at ease.

"Well, Chizuru? Am I fit for battle?" he teased when I finished examining him. "Your cheeks are red. Was examining me so…interesting?"

"Please, Harada-san. I am not one of your favored ladies from Shimabara. I am a doctor first and foremost," I replied. Still sitting, he suddenly took both of my hands in his and pulled me a few steps closer to him. His face was right at the level of my navel; I could feel his breath on my clothes. "Um, Harada-san? What—"

"Your hands," he frowned. "They look…rougher than before." My breath snagged when he rubbed one of the recent blisters on my palm with his thumb. He circled that spot a few times, turning my hand over to look at my dry knuckles. "A woman's hands shouldn't be treated this way." His beautiful golden eyes shifted to the swords at my waist. "Chizuru, have you been…"

I quickly pulled away. Harada knew of my trauma more than most. I'd confided to him on a few occasions when we walked together for my rounds in the compound. I didn't want him to know about Saito and I, though. Guilty as I felt keeping that from him when he looked out for me so much, I wasn't sure if Saito would want others to know he was training me in secret. Judging by what Souji said—that Hijikata wouldn't approve—I suddenly worried for Saito and his conversation with his commander.

"It's just from grinding herbs and making powders. It's been a dry winter," I smiled. He opened his mouth to ask me something else when Souji and Saito entered the mess hall.

"Did we miss all the fun?" Souji chortled, bumping Heisuke on the shoulder lightly with his fist. "Why didn't you tell us there was a physical, Chizuru-chan? Didn't you want to inspect us, too?"

"You are in the group I will be examining next week," I told him, surprising myself with how calm I sounded. Was I getting better at letting his embarrassing comments slip past me? Beside me, Harada rose to his feet.

"Thank you, Chizuru. Make sure you take care of yourself, too, and not just the men." He donned his clothing then walked to Heisuke and Nagakura, wrapping his huge arms around their shoulders. I lost track of their conversation as Saito and Souji walked up to me. I bowed my head in greeting but continued cleaning up and packing away my tools. It was hard to stay calm. I knew they were here to tell me of Hijikata's decision. I just wasn't sure I wanted to hear his verdict.

"What are you doing tonight?" Souji asked.

"Other than some minor errands…" I gestured vaguely. "Nothing pressing I suppose. Why?"

"Hijikata wants you to come with us tonight on patrol. It can go pretty late when we go out in the evening."

I held my breath and bit my lip. "He…Hijikata-san agreed? To let me go?"

"Yes," Saito nodded. "On the condition that, should things become dangerous, you will not engage in fighting of your own volition." He stepped closer to me. His eyes looked straight into mine, his voice hard as steel. "No matter the situation, Yukimura-kun, you are not to engage in battle unless you must defend your life. Can you give that promise?"

"Yes," I nodded. "I wouldn't want to fight for any other reason. You know that, Saito-san."

Souji looked between Saito and me a few times. "Basically, we need you to stay out of our way. If things get hairy, we can't afford the distraction of taking care of you when we should be fighting."

"I understand," I breathed. "I do. Please be assured I won't get in your way."

"Then get ready," Souji smiled. "We will leave at the hour of the Rooster tonight. We'll be waiting at the gate."

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The sun was setting on the horizon when I met Souji and Saito at the gate, as promised. My heart beat nervously as I clutched my father's picture to my chest. I wore a fresh set of my physician's garb. On my side, I carried a satchel with a small selection of tools and bandages in case any of the men got hurt on patrol. I was determined to follow them as a part of their unit and not as a burden to be babysat. I wanted to make the most of each patrol. For that reason, too, an empty basket was strapped to my back. Souji had told me there was a market on our route tonight that opened later in the day. The shop sold high quality herbs and tinctures and could be a good resource if I needed to refill my stock.

We set out at a fast pace, Souji indicating that I should walk between them and the rest of the men. All in all, roughly twenty men came with us on patrol. At first, I simply took in the sights and sounds of the city, relieved for the change of atmosphere. As we passed through the streets, those still out and about on errands shied away from our group. Everyone made way as soon as they recognized the Shinsengumi's blue and white coats. I carefully observed the people's reactions. Most were fearful. Some were malicious. I heard several whispers mentioning the 'damned Wolves of Mibu'. Though I didn't understand the term, some of the men behind me scowled when they heard it.

Souji and Saito pressed on, unfazed, their eyes sharp and wary. A few times, I asked to stop at various shops to ask about my father or to purchase some herbs and supplies. I flashed my father's picture to everyone I could, describing a friendly bald man of a certain stature with brown eyes who worked as a Western doctor of medicine. Most people had not seen him. Others wanted nothing to do with me because I was with the Shinsengumi. We were out for a good three hours before the streets began to be deserted for the night. Lanterns and torches lit up the city with a cozy evening glow as more and more people went back inside their homes or to their favorite tea houses. The sounds of shamisens, singing, and rowdy men filled the air.

"We've covered most of the western portion of the city," Saito said. "Yukimura-kun, stay vigilant. Is it getting late."

I understood all too well how dangerous the city was at night and wrapped my right hand around the hilt of my sword.

"Don't get too excited," Souji smirked. "It's hard to believe we came all the way out here for nothing. And Hijikata seemed so sure about those restless ronin, too…how boring…"

As we walked on, the men behind me began to whisper among themselves.

"Why do you suppose Saito-san always walks to the left of Okita-san on these patrols?" one of the newer recruits asked his companion.

"Is it because the Third Division Captain, Saito-san, respects the First Division Captain as a sword instructor?" another man asked.

I frowned, my neck heating up in embarrassment. Surely these men knew the two Captains could hear every word. Clearly these men hadn't seen both Souji and Saito in battle before. If they had, they wouldn't doubt that both men possessed equal skill.

"No," a more experienced veteran answered. "It's because—"

Saito had warned me to be vigilant, and I had done my best. As a result, I sensed malice pressing in around us and bent my knees into a defensive stance. However, the two Captains in front of me were even faster. In flashing dual arc on both right and left, their swords sang a furious metallic cry as they were drawn and took two lives in the same split second. Like empty husks, two bodies fell the ground on either side of me. I hadn't even seen Souji and Saito move. No time to think on what transpired, however. More men filed in around us, surrounding us completely. All of them had their weapons drawn, their faces twisted into hateful grimaces. My eyes darted around, searching for a safe spot I could get to so that I wouldn't get caught in the middle of all this and distract the warriors. However, with every passing second, the wall of men grew more and more dense. The other recruits filed in around us, keeping vital space between us and the attackers.

"Okita Souji of the Shinsengumi!" one of the attackers yelled, his voice hoarse.

"That's me," Souji chuckled, not a shred of tension in his tone. "Do you have some kind of business with me?"

"Arrogant swine!" the same assailant shouted. "Today, we will avenge Miyabe-sensei!"

Souji shrugged. "Sorry. Don't remember him." It was the furthest thing from an actual apology. The shouting attacker went crimson in the face.

"Damn you for looking down on us," he spat. "Men, attack!"

I couldn't help but let out a yell as the wave of men lunged for us. Blades clashed, and the song of death began to play. Crouching down, I desperately looked for an opening so I could escape. Saito and Souji both incapacitated several men that lunged for them first. As they fought, they quickly moved towards me until I was well protected between their backs. They worked in perfect harmony, covering each other's vulnerable openings without leaving a single point of weakness. None of the attackers seemed to be a match for them, but I was frantic. I'd promised I wouldn't get in their way, and now they were immobilized because they had to protect me.

The look on Souji's face was terrifying. In moments, his sky blue coat was ravaged in spatters and sprays of dark crimson blood. As he slashed at his assailants, a string of it splattered onto the side of his face. His eyes were wild in euphoric abandon, emerald pools of bloodlust and madness. I couldn't see Saito's face from where I was, and I wondered if he looked just as terrifying. A few times, I tried to draw my sword, but it was futile. My hands shook as they had before I began my secret training, my head splitting open in a vicious roaring pain. The sounds of battle overwhelmed me, and as I looked down to the ground and covered my ears to block it out, the faces of the dead—with their glassy listless eyes—paralyzed my body.

"Yukimura!" Saito ground out beside me. "I will make you a path. Go!" In seconds, he made good on his promise. Two men were mowed down, and I had a clear sight to a darkened empty shop on the side of the street. Something pushed me forward. Hard. I went stumbling forward, my vision narrowing on the sliding door ahead of me. Something pulled on my upper arm. I heard a tearing sound. Breathing coming in short staccato's, I lunged for the door, tore it open, and practically rolled inside. Shutting it behind me, I wheezed and crouched to the ground, desperate to get my mind and body under control. My hands slapped over my ears. I didn't want to hear the sound of blades rending flesh. I couldn't. I was going to be sick.

Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop!

What had made me think that I was possibly ready for something like this? What foolishness had led me to this moment? Fire flashed before me. Pictures of the men I'd slain. I drowned in my dark memories, fighting to stay afloat, keeping my wits about me through sheer willpower.

Then, even with my senses in utter chaos, I felt it:

Malice.

The intent to kill.

I looked up in horror to see a figure standing by the window sill of the shop. My eyes squinted to adjust to the light. Thinking it was another assailant, I drew my sword, holding up the shaking blade as steadily as I could in my current state.

Moonlight filtered through the glass, its tendrils illuminating a face words could not describe. Golden hair fell forward to accent pale white skin and a pair of exotic blood red eyes. He sat perfectly still, so quiet I thought he might be a figment of my imagination. His black flowing overcoat and white silken kimono was adorned with a myriad of flower petal patterns. His calm and peaceful image was so at odds with his violent ki and the chaos outside, I wondered if I hadn't already fainted and was merely dreaming him up as part of a nightmare. He didn't look like he belonged with the thugs outside. He was too refined. Too noble. I didn't know who I was looking at, but I was certain of one fact: this was no human.

At first, the creature wasn't looking at me. As soon as it did, I thought my heart would stop. Long slitted pupils darker than midnight narrowed and focused on me. A tiger honing in on its prey before the kill. Without a sound, the creature stood. Logically, I knew that he was on the other side of the room when I first spied him, but then…he no longer was. He appeared in front of me, towering over me with enough menace to burn my skin where I stood.

"Luck isn't on your side tonight, boy," a low rumbling voice purred. "You should have stayed out there with your kin. You might have survived." He raised his sword in the air with one hand. I hadn't even seen him draw it. I should have run. I should have defended myself. My senses screamed again and again that my death was imminent. But, I couldn't look away from his bottomless eyes.

There was something wrong with them.

I'd seen them before.

The more I focused on them, the more my head hurt until I was sure my skull was being split open with a burning iron rod. My vision darkened on the edges. Any moment, I expected to feel his blade cutting me apart.

But, he stopped. The creature's crimson eyes slid down from my face to the shaking sword in my hands. A graceful delicate eyebrow rose marginally. He lowered his blade.

"That sword you hold…where did you get it?" I felt the vibration of his voice in every bone in my body. Each word drummed inside my lungs as though it was my own voice speaking.

"…family…" I whispered through chattering teeth. Then stronger— "It's…b-been in my family for generations…"

My right arm stung and burned. I felt the flesh tugging and bending. Had I been cut? Was it healing? As though he felt the tugging himself, those terrible eyes looked the source of my pain then snapped back to me, wider now.

Something wet and hot trickled out of my nose. I licked my upper lip and tasted blood. His mouth moved, but I couldn't hear anything past the ringing in my head. Whatever happened, I couldn't let go of my sword. I had to fight. I couldn't die here. I had to find my father. And what about Souji and Saito? Were they still fighting? At the very least, I couldn't scream. My whole body shook in terror of the creature before me, of the battle outside, but I couldn't scream. I couldn't risk distracting them.

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. My hands steadied their grip.

"…is your name?" the creature asked.

"Yuki…mura…" I rasped. "Yukimura Chizuru."

As his eyes widened further, something extraordinary happened. A breeze picked up around us even though we were indoors. An azure glow surrounded the creature before me. His hair drained of all color, the red in his eyes softening to a blazing gold. As the wind touched me, I felt strength returning to my body. The pain in my arm numbed and vanished. I looked at my wound; it glowed like a lantern along the seams and sealed up in seconds. The creature reached forward. A tug. My hair had come undone from its tight pony tail. As it twisted and flayed around me, I saw it had turned stark white, too. Something about the way he ran my hair through his fingers—something about those golden eyes—finally caused the pressure in my head to tear and snap.

I fell to my knees. In that moment, I had no idea who or where I was. I lost all sense of time and space. My limbs were numb. I couldn't smell or hear. All I could see was the creature above me.

"Chi…kage…" I whispered. A name I did not know. "Chii-chan...help me..."

As everything went black and I lost consciousness, I heard his voice rumbling in my chest:

"It can't be."