Kimberly
I didn't think this day would ever come.
Somewhere in my long and desperate soul search, I finally found what I thought was the right answer. I found me. It was this clarity where I went from nothing to knowing.
I, Kimberly Ann Oliver, of mostly sound body and mind am… an idiot.
Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, the mystery of the universe has been solved and it only took me three months to realize this. Please, hold the applause.
I'm not sure why I didn't see it earlier. I don't know how much money and time I spent on all the shit that got me nowhere. I tried self-help books, giving up alcohol, a makeover, yoga, retreats where they make you live off the land and give up communication to the outside world, minimalism, I almost joined a cult, and I even tried going vegan… okay, I only lasted about four days on that last one. Whoever said that cauliflower could be a substitute for wings needs a trip to the gallows. Was it good? Eh… sure, but it sure as hell isn't a chicken wing. It was all stupid, useless, expensive!
When did I realize I was a fucking idiot? Two weeks ago. The exact moment is fuzzy, but it was two weeks ago that I had realized I had missed two of my periods. Yes, two.
The first could have easily been brushed off as stress. I was in the middle of a mindfulness retreat in Sedona where I had given up deodorant and was picking berries to survive. I was a hot mess and I'm mostly saying that because I was in Arizona. No one told me it got over a hundred degrees there. Hell would be colder!
Maybe I should have noticed something was off when I got back and I felt sick to my stomach. Yeah, that wasn't food poisoning from the mystery berries like I originally thought.
Two, my flower shop had a pipe burst last month and I had been so busy trying to get it fixed that I didn't notice when I missed it again.
It wasn't until I tried that stupid vegan diet Trini told me about when it hit me. I thought that maybe I was repulsed by the smell and thoughts of all-things-vegan because I wasn't used to it, but no, it was so much more than that.
When I realized how long it had been since my monthly friend came to visit, I freaked! When I took a pregnancy test and it came back with two pink lines, I screamed! And when I took ten more to be sure and they all came back positive, I fainted!
Yeah, I fainted, and do you know who found me? No one because I was alone. I lived alone. By choice!
Me? Pregnant? Get the fuck out!
It wasn't that it was impossible, I mean, I wasn't on birth control anymore and Tommy and I did sleep together the night of the storm, but that wasn't any different than the other times where we went at it like rabbits and nothing happened. We tried for almost a year and every month I was disappointed.
And then it hit me. Shit! I was really, really pregnant. At least a couple of weeks.
"About fourteen weeks," My doctor told me one week ago. "You're in your second trimester."
I almost told her she had lost her fucking mind and that I wanted to see her credentials, but then I thought about it and the timeline made sense. The gas I thought I was feeling? Quickening.
"Baby's moving," She said and I almost threw up on her lab coat.
I didn't even know you could feel this early. I mean, it didn't feel like moving. It felt mostly like little butterfly wings flapping in the lower part of my belly.
"Everyone is different," She assured me with the biggest smile.
I still couldn't believe it. I saw all the tests, confirmed it with my doctor, but nothing made it real until she pulled me into a room and showed me the image of the baby on the screen. The room was dark and the image was blurry, but there was no denying what it was. It was a baby. Mine and Tommy's. It had a heart that kept winking at me… that's when I lost it. I sobbed right there in the room.
I left in happy tears and I walked into an empty house. The same house where Tommy and I had always planned to expand our family.
My heart hurt just thinking about how I went to that appointment without him. It shouldn't have been like that. We should have gone together, but I still needed my space. I needed more time to think. Three months didn't feel like enough time, but I missed him every single day. I haven't told anyone about the pregnancy, not even Trini. I wanted Tommy to know first.
And so I thought about it and thought about and thought about it. It was five days of just thinking about him and missing him and wishing that things were different.
Then this morning I really felt a movement, not a flutter, but a smooth wave deep inside me. It was our baby.
I wasn't planning on keeping this to myself for very long, only a few more days until I officially processed it, but the movement felt like a sign. I had to see him. I had to know how he was doing. I had to tell him and hope that he was as happy about this as I was.
I know who I am now. I'm Kimberly, I'm hard-headed, difficult to live with, I ask for the impossible at times, I deflect when I'm feeling attacked, I'm a dreamer, I'm a wife, I'm a mother, and I'm hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Tommy.
I quickly dressed, grabbed some paperwork for my lawyer, and call Jason from my cell as I got into my car. He gave me the address to Tommy's new apartment and I fidget in my seat the entire drive there. I made a quick detour to my lawyer's office and dropped off the documents needed to dissolve the divorce proceedings. This was something that needed to get done so that Tommy and I could move forward.
Once I'm back in the car, I'm left with my own thoughts again. I don't even know what to say to Tommy, but I know it doesn't matter. I could practice an entire monologue, but by the time I get there, I know I have to speak from my heart. I have to tell him everything he means to me like he did for me.
When I see him there on the sidewalk walking towards me, I nearly blurt it all out there. Instead of letting me speak, he pulls me in so tight to his chest that all I can do is cry. I didn't realize how much I truly missed him until I saw him again. I blame it on the hormones.
"Do you want to go upstairs?" He asks and I nod in return.
I took the hand that he offered me and threaded my fingers with his. I need the closeness again.
God, I missed you.
For someone that works so much with his hands, Tommy's are surprisingly soft.
We take the short elevator ride to his floor and he's holding my hand the entire time. He lets me in first when we make it to his apartment and I take it all in. His space is small and it has just the basics, a table that can only seat two, a bed, and a small couch. However, I did notice a picture of the two of us that normally sat in our bookcase on his counter. He must have taken that the night of the storm.
"I'm sorry this isn't nicer," He rubs at the back of his neck while he places his bags in the kitchen.
I turn to face him, "What do you mean? This is nice. I like it."
But I get it. This isn't home.
He gives me that boyish grin that made me fall for him in the first place.
"Come sit," he gestures towards his couch, "Make yourself at home. Can I get you something to drink? I just picked up this wine from the deli down the street and was about to pop it open. Do you want some?"
Ughh… Yes! Do you know how badly I've been craving alcohol? I gave it up as a part of my mindful awakening the retreat tried to implement. I guess that was a good thing because I would have been nursing a bottle a night and not have known I was pregnant.
"Um… actually, I'll take some water if you have some. I've kind of given up alcohol."
His head turns around so fast that I feared I almost gave him whiplash.
"Wow," He raises an inquiring brow but still finds the time to chuckle.
Oh, crap. Did he figure it out that fast? I wanted to be the one to tell him. Maybe I am a little obvious. My face is a little fuller than it normally is.
If he did, he didn't say anything, and instead of probing further, he pours me a glass of water. I do note that he keeps taking glances my way. "Never thought I'd see the day. What else have you done?"
I thank him for my glass and take a small but refreshing sip. "Trini made me try her vegan diet."
His nose wrinkled, "Gross. How long did you hold out for?"
"Four painful days," I inform and we share a laugh that tickles my belly.
This is nice. I like this. This is how it used to be.
"How have you been?" I ask him.
"Good," He nods and sits beside me with a glass of wine in hand. "I've been keeping myself busy. I've been going to therapy and learning a lot."
My hand instinctively reaches out to his knee, "You have?"
We talked about therapy. We'd gone as a couple before, but it never really helped and we never went long enough to see some real results. The fact that he went alone had my heart beating faster.
"Yes, once a week for the last three months," He placed one of his hands over mine and I tingle at his touch. "I told you I'd do anything to be the right person for this relationship and I meant it. If that means that I have to go to therapy once a week for the rest of my life then it's a small price to pay to have you."
One of my arms loops around the back of his neck and I bring his forehead to mine, pressing them gently together. "You have me, Tommy."
More than you know.
"I hope so, Kim. I missed you so much."
"You don't have to anymore. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere," I promised him.
I pull him down to me a little more, just enough for my lips to brush up against his, but when they touch, I'm lost. I can't do anything but pull him even closer to me. His lips move perfectly against mine and I find myself hypnotized by his touch. I've missed this. I've missed all there is about him, even the things that annoyed the fuck out of me. I could be here all fucking day and if I don't stop, it'll lead to something more, but there's so much more to say. We just started.
Reluctantly, I push against his shoulders to stop him and I see the fear flash across his face. I don't want to worry him so I give him my most assuring smile.
"I'm sorry. I think I got a little carried away," He says and I can tell my smile put him more at ease.
"Never apologize. I loved it," I brush a quick kiss to prove my point, "but I have some things I need to say."
I'm terrified.
After an exhale of confidence, I begin, "First, I want you to know that the reason why I didn't completely pull out of the divorce has absolutely nothing to do with you. I needed to stop it from going forward and pausing it was the fastest way when it came to paperwork. I am ending it. I actually dropped the paperwork with my lawyer today. I don't doubt my feelings for you, Tommy, and I'm sorry if you thought that I did."
His sigh brought years back to his life. Relief looks good on him.
"I love you. I didn't tell you the last time I saw you, but I do. I did then and I do now. I don't think I know how to do anything different and I'm sorry If you ever had to question it."
"I know you, Kim," He smiles back at me, "I know your heart."
"You do, don't you," I feel the tears welling up again.
Damn hormones. Can't you give me a moment to speak?
"Anyway, what I've realized is that I don't have anything figured out. I thought I had to or that I needed to in order to have us be perfect, but there's no such this as a perfect marriage. There's only you and me and that's enough. It's going to be hard and we're going to have ups and downs, but I wouldn't want to go on this ride with anyone else but you."
I've officially given up on keeping my tears in at this point. I'm an ugly crier. I will honestly admit that, but Tommy is looking at me with those little eyes and I can't help but feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
"I love you, Tommy. I want what we had before but better. I want you now and forever. I want that future we promised ourselves. It took me so long to realize that you're what I've been wanting all along. There's nothing else, only missing you. You're everything to me."
He wipes at the tears on my face, something he's perfected at this point in our relationship. How did I almost give up on us? How could I have let myself get to that point? I love him. I love all there is to love about him. I take him as he is, imperfections and all. He's my home.
"I'm sorry for the way things went between us. I wish things would have been different and we didn't have to be apart, but I know this is what we had to do so that we can be the best version of ourselves for each other…" and because I'm dramatic as fuck, I pause. I need it to gather all my confidence and strength. After what feels like an eternal breath, I continue, "…and our baby."
His face is fixed in an expression I can't quite read and I'm unsure if he heard me or not.
Please say something.
"I'm sorry," He shook his head like he was trying to make sense of what he just heard. "I don't think I heard you correctly. You want us to be the best version of ourselves for each other and what?"
No, it's exactly what you heard.
My hands reach out to his, a small smile rising up my lip, "Our baby, Tommy."
"Our… baby?" He says softly like somehow those words have never once been put together. His eyes catch mine and they mirror my tear-filled ones. "You're pregnant?"
I nod because if I speak I'll start crying. I don't trust myself not to. My heart is beating uncontrollably and all I can't think to do is to bring his left hand over my belly. His hand trembles over my abdomen, but I'm not sure who's more terrified. My belly is small but firm and it's bigger than what I had before. I'm not saying it's that drastic of a difference and if you didn't know me very well you wouldn't even notice, but I know Tommy does. He knows every curve of my body. This one is new.
If I ever had a doubt, it was erased the moment a tear slipped down his cheek.
He keeps his hand on me and leans forward to rest his forehead on mine. We need a second to take the moment in.
"I can't believe this," He whispers, a fresh tear sliding down his cheek. "You don't know how happy you've made me."
Each hand moves to my face to cup my cheeks. When he leans in, he showers my face with kisses, making me feel so unimaginably loved.
I giggle in his hands. God, I've missed this feeling.
"It's time to come home, Tommy. Come back to me. Come back to us."
"You mean that?"
My response to him is a kiss. Of course I mean it.
"Always."
Our relationship may be the opposite of perfect for some people but it's ours. We're going to move forward from this moment. We couldn't have made it this far without taking the risk and when it comes to Tommy, I'm always up for the adventure. One day, when we're old and gray and our children have left our home, we'll remember this as the moment we solidified our unity. Somehow we became the two pieces of a puzzle that shouldn't fit together but do. He is mine and I am his. Forever.
Author note: Hey there! Thank you so much for checking out my story. I hope you guys enjoyed it. It was something a little different that I wanted to try. I'm a sucker for a happily ever after when it comes to Tommy and Kimberly, so this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise. Happy holidays!