Chapter 7: Stuck

The snow crackles under my feet as I am walking between the trees of the forest. I inhale the chilling air deeply, trying to keep myself warm with the control of my breathing as all of my clothes are damping wet now. Even if they weren't, the only jacket I own is my suede one and that is definitely not made for winter.

I walk through the clouds of my own puffing breaths, keeping my hands on my bow and arrow, ready to shoot any animal - or infected - on sight immediately, but so far, I haven't had much luck. All I could kill was one single pheasant-hen, a smaller one of its kind. The snow hasn't stopped falling for two days now, sometimes growing into a teeth-rattling blizzard, other times falling silently just like now. It is almost knee high already, and judging by the cold greyness of the sky above me, it will be higher very soon. And that is bad. We are already halfway through, but now we're stuck here...

We've left Jackson behind more than two months ago, along with Birmingham and Atlanta. Both places have left deep scarres on my naively hoping soul as in Birmingham we met another group of people exactly like the Hunters were back in Austin, and saw no signs of FEDRA (or just simply life) in Atlanta anymore.

It was quite depressing to see such a huge city as a complete ghost town, only infected waiting for you on every corner... But to be honest, I don't even know which one was worse - seeing the amount of people who are not just okay with murdering people for a pair of shoes - or nothing - only, but even enjoying it, or seeing how even FEDRA alongside with the government is falling apart throughout the country. I don't know what smaller groups and individuals can even hope for in the future if such a huge power is so easily to be diminished...

The fact that Anderson Mill is probably one of the very few places where FEDRA can still operate is scaring me pretty much. Since I've left my little bubble of safety and peace back in Anderson Mill, everything I see is slowly making me question if this apocalypse is really the end of the world, or it simply just unleashed the true nature of humanity, that had to be restricted for so long before...

We are now staying in - yes, I know, funny - in Charlotte. Waiting for this sudden strike of snow and blizzards to pass as we would freeze to our death quite soon if we'd have to travel in wet clothes for god knows how long until we find another shelter to rest in. It was Tommy who led us here, thinking that, since I share the name with this city, we definitely have to go through here.

I shiver runs through my numb body, as even the seams on my worn-down boots have given themselves in long ago as well and my socks have been dripping wet for hours now. The pain has already faded and I can barely even feel my toes anymore. I can just hope they are not too frost bitten yet and they will heal up from this.

I decide to head back. The snow crunching loudly under every step of mine is giving away my position, making it almost impossible for me to hunt this way. I should place some traps, but I still don't know how to make one - that is working - properly. It is Tommy's expertise. He'd already tried to teach me, and I sort of know the basics, but none of my traps has ever caught anything yet.

But I feel like I really can't handle the cold anymore. I have been out for long hours now and I feel like even my mind is frozen for now and that I am just torturing myself unnecessarily as the snow is really making my job impossible.

We are staying in a small hut, close to Lake Norman. That way we both have water and the weekend huts are also providing shelter for us. It is almost cozy. How sad that even in that place, one of us always has to stay up and keep a guard until the next morning arrives...

I tried not wander more than a mile away on my hunting trip, still my frozen limbs and rattling teeth makes my way back feel much longer than it really is. I am silently praying to be able to get back as soon as possible and my heart beats up happily when finally, I see the building in the distance.

The thick layer of snow covering it makes it look like the ginger house from that old, creepy children's tale. In fact, everything is looking like I am walking through a storybook right now. But no matter how beautiful it makes everything; I still hate the snow.

It unnerves me that my steps are leaving a path to us. We are only lucky because soon the freshly falling layer will cover it, but still, it makes me nervous.

I am starting to sound as paranoid as Joel... But everything I've seen in the last months is changing me, I feel like. My sister's actions don't even seem that stranger anymore...

"Hey, you're back." Tommy greets me first when I step inside the hut after kicking the snow off of my all-wet boots. I feel my limbs melting immediately when the warm air inside hits me - except for my toes.

"Any luck?" Joel asks, and I reach the pheasant up.

"That's all." I say as he takes if from me. I turn to Tommy and continue. "I think you should set up a few traps sometime. The snow is making my steps too loud for hunting. All I do is scaring every animal away in a mile's radius.

I take off my jacket first and lay it down, near the little furnace in the corner of the room. I hesitate for a second, but then I decide to take off both my jumpers since they are all wet as well, and lay them next to my jacket, on the floor.

"I go and set a few up then." Tommy is already dressing up, putting all the layers of clothing he can on himself. I smile at him gratefully as he steps outside and yell after him: "Take care!" And then he shuts the door behind himself. I don't know whether I am just imagining, or he really does it, but recently I've been feeling like Tommy is leaving us alone with Joel on purpose... It is annoying both ways, anyway and I really hope it is just my imagination. We are running out of food, so maybe that's why he left so suddenly.

It's not that we are still on the edge with Joel. Since Jackson, our relationship has changed drastically. I am starting to figure him out, I know he is serious and that he can't really show much of his emotions, and I don't even take his reactions upon myself anymore. I think he's finally come to terms with me as well. I avoid being reckless as much as I can and what he says usually goes as we are almost halfway now and I don't really want to screw things up just before arriving to Boston. I know he's cunning and hasn't had three peaceful years behind him to rust up, so I trust him better than myself, I think.

He's sorts of became the leader of our three-person group and both Tommy and I are pretty much okay with it. I can't speak in Tommy's name but I know I don't need such a huge responsibility on my unsteady shoulders. All I want is finding my sister...

Oh, and I even catch him smile at my jokes sometimes and what is more! He cracks a few of them as well once in a while. It is just I don't like the feeling my body and mind is reacting when we're close to each other, that's all...

I sit down and pull only my boots off first. I hesitate when I get to my socks as I am afraid to look at my poor little toes. I hate winter so much. But then I sigh and make the effort on myself to pull the fabric off of my feet and my heart sinks when I see my greyish purple body parts. I watch them sadly when I hear Joel's voice coming right next from me. I jump a little when I even feel him laying his own jacket on my slightly shivering body as all I am wearing are a t-shirt and my still wet jeans.

"Told you to wear both pairs of socks." he says, crouching next to my feet, observing my toes.

"I know, dad... But what would I be putting on my feet now, hmm?" I smile at him from the corner of my eyes, playfully. He always acts like a guardian of us with Tommy and I find that sort of amusing. Deep down I even like it a bit, I think, but I don't like to chew on that thought too much. I don't like how my stomach clenches up, a tingling sensation vibrating inside me when the callused hands of his, touch my ice-cold feet either...

"Psh, dad..." he furrows his brows, but I can see the smallest smile hiding in the corner of eyes hazel eyes. "Is that all you got?" he asks, his voice is not amused, while he massages the blood circulation back to my feet with his warm hands. Under his touch I can feel my whole body getting uncomfortably hot and I don't know why but my mind is getting number.

"Sorry, my brain is a bit preoccupied with the possibilities of losing my toes to think about proper jokes..." I answer chuckling slightly.

"Don't worry, you can keep most of them." Joel says, his facial expression is dead serious and I let out a small laugh again but since he's showing absolutely no signs of his sentence being a joke, I will admit, I get a little scared.

"Wait, what do you mean most of them?" I ask, my voice is higher than I would like it to be.

He looks at me and I look back. When his eyes meet mine I - or both of us? - dwell a little too long on the moment. I can see a shadow of a strange expression appear on his face I don't know how to explain, but it makes my insides burn up again... Fuck. Then he clears his throat and lets out the smallest chuckle. I playfully push him away, letting out the biggest sigh of relief.

"Not funny..." I mumble, furrowing my brows, trying to hide my smile.

"Just a tiny bit." Joel answers and stops massaging my feet for once. "You're gonna be fine." He says as he's standing up and really, when I look at my toes, they are now deep red. They are aching a lot, like little needles being pushed into my skin constantly, but at least I can still feel them.

"Thank you." I smile at the back of his head as he's standing by the window now, his eyes pasting the distance behind the falling flakes of the snow and I gaze into the fire. I pull on my dry pair of socks, drowning in the sudden rush of thoughts...

xxx

When Tommy gets back, it is almost dark outside. The chilling greyness of the sky has changed into a mixture of purple and orange and the snow still hasn't stopped... I hope from the bottom of my heart that it will stop soon and we don't have to stay here for too long.

I don't know why but everything of our situation is making me nervous. The thought that every time one of us leaves the hut is leaving a trail right to us - is in the back of my mind all day. Our food is running out - stacks upon it, and also the fire we constantly have to keep alive is like an arrow in the daytime, the smoke happily leaving through the small metal chimney, and at nights serves like a beacon to literally anyone, no matter the intention - is the cherry on top.

There's also the time when I'll finally meet with her, getting closer every day. I am so nervous. Now that it is really becoming a reality, I even feel afraid. What if I've left everything, I've grown to love back in Anderson Mill in the past three years, and she won't want to just even look at me? I would understand that, I think. And I'd told everything to her I wanted to... so I guess it will be still worth it...

I sometimes also think about the possibilities of me not making it to Boston... I feel the need to write down everything I would like to say onto a piece of paper, just in case... But I usually just hush these thoughts away when they rush my mind. I trust the brother and the three of us make an excellent team...

Plus, I can never forget about this stupid little feeling in the back of my stomach every time I see Joel's eyes on me, no matter the reason. Or when our fingers touch the slightest when I hand something over to him. I honestly hate it... And I don't want it. Wish I could drown this feeling. Abandon it...

We eat the whole pheasant, Joel had roasted when we were waiting for Tommy, in one go. We're all trusting his traps and if they won't catch anything by tomorrow, we'll still have some canned food we spared, just in case. When we're done, I know it's late already but I feel restless. I hate being stuck here for God knows how many days yet.

The first watch shift is Tommy's. Joel heads to sleep but I hesitate to follow him in the next room, where there's the couch on which I usually sleep - I told the brother's I am perfectly fine on the floor as well but they both always insist I get settee... They always sleep on a few rugs, gathered on each other on the floor. Our weapons within an arm's reach every time.

I fiddle with my things a bit, checking my spare clothes in my backpack, seeing if my coat has dried yet, but in the end, I say goodnight to Tommy and go to sleep as well. When I step into the other room, Joel seems to be already asleep so I am as quiet as possible when I lie down on the couch, and I don't have to wait much until I soon drift into a light snooze.

This time I don't have the time to sleep until a dream arrives. I don't know how long I've slept but the aching limbs of mine suggest that the proper answer is not much. What woke me up is Joel's mumblings and distorted words coming from somewhere not far from me. He's having a nightmare; I can tell when I see his expression in the purplish light coming through the windows. His eyebrows are furrowed and drops of sweat are covering his forehead. I would like to wake him up, to comfort him a little. I know very well the nature of nightmares. But in the end, I decide not to.

His mumbles then soon change into grunts and huffs and he says a word - a name to be exact, I haven't heard before.

"Sarah..."

A sudden, very stranger feeling clenches into my chest as I hear the name, but I immediately hush into the back of my mind. I have no right to feel... to feel jealous? Is that what had just rushed through me? Jealousy? Who's this Sarah? Or who... was? I have never heard him talking about any Sarah before... Is she a lover of his? Anyways... It is not my business at all, I think as I sit up suddenly.

I put my feet on the ground silently and a chill runs through my spine immediately, crawling onto me through my feet. I can feel through my socks that the desks under us are almost ice cold and I feel a sudden rush of guilt as the boys always have to sleep on it, while I get the couch only for myself. All this chivalry in the middle of the apocalypse...

I want to leave the room, but his anxious grunts stop me... I know and hate nightmares from the very bottom of my heart. I can't just leave him be with them. I silently crouch down next to him, and reach my arm to stroke a few wet strands out of his forehead, then softly and just barely touching, I place my palm on his face. Soon, I can see his expression unwrinkle and his grunts grow silent as my thumb is lightly stroking his scar-covered cheekbones. I watch his face a little more than I should, but then I tear my eyes away from him and stand up.

Who is Sarah...?

When I leave the room, I see Tommy sitting in the window. The door of the furnace is closed so it is quite dark in the small room. I have to watch my steps as I am making my way towards the clothes, I left on the ground to dry up, and put on one of my jumpers. Despite the small fire, it is quite cold in the hut tonight.

"It seems like it won't stop tomorrow either." I sigh as I sit beside the younger brother, in the windowsill.

"Yeah." Tommy reassures. "Guess we are staying here a few more days." His voice is low and horse as usual, always making me feel calmer. There's always something in his whole presence, diffusing such a soothing aura, that I always like to be around him.

"And that exactly what is concerning me..." I say looking out the window, but since there's a little more light inside the hut, all I can see is mostly the reflection of my own pale face. I am looking thinner than ever, all the walking and running and fighting had eaten up most of my body's reservations. I also have the scar on my forehead, still being slightly purple and a new cut under my left eye, on my cheek, that is still in the early stages of healing process. I got it two weeks ago in Birmingham, when we met that Hunter-like group's patrols...

"It is quite a miserable feeling being locked up in here, not really knowing if anything watches you from the outside..." Tommy says what is on my mind constantly. I am glad I am not the only one being paranoid.

"I hate it..." I agree in a low voice.

We sit in silence for a while, watching the snowflakes fall in front of the window. I have to restrain myself from asking but I can't hold it back, and after a few minutes it just bursts out of me.

"Tommy, can I ask you a question?" our eyes meet. I don't know why I feel nervous.

"Of course. What is it?" he positions his body so that he can face me better and I pull up my knees to my chest.

"Do you know who is... who is Sarah?" I ask finally. I can see a shadow running through his face. Even his sky-blue eyes change into a deeper shade. He is thinking for long seconds, but then he sighs and says: "Yeah... But I don't think I am the one who should tell you about her." he looks away from my face, sadness evincing on his expressions as he looks back out the window again.

"He's the one who's gonna decide whether he wants to talk about her or not..."

I nod and I won't deny, I feel a little disappointed. But I completely understand and Tommy's right. It is a personal thing and it would be only fair if I asked Joel himself, so I don't force the topic anymore.

I look at the trembling orange lights that are dancing on the wooden floor, in front of the furnace. I don't even know myself what feelings are stirring inside me but I feel restless again and I hate to be stuck, just sitting in here, when for some reason I feel like we are running out of time. I am running out of time...

We sit and talk for a while, both of us peeking out the windows time to time and after a few hours, Tommy goes to sleep this time, leaving me alone on my watch. If it weren't for the brothers being left alone in their sleeps, I would have already left the hut. I feel like I need a walk. That I have to do something. Just sitting here, waiting, my mind being free to think is killing me...

I let out a relieved sigh, when the door behind which the brothers are sleeping finally creaks up, not much before dawn. Joel steps out from behind, massaging his neck, his eyes still seeming foggy, and his short black hair is slightly messy. I smile at him when he greets me with a hoarse 'hey'.

"Hey." I greet him back. He seems well rested, probably because his nightmares didn't have the chance to weak him too early this time. I don't think I have ever seen him this peaceful, since we met. I mean, it is horrible to be stuck here, but at least it has its perks. The brothers, and maybe even myself sometimes, are calmer a bit. All this isolation from both the living and the dead is almost like a therapy. I just wish I wasn't constantly on the edge, and feeling like a target here...

Joel walks right next to me, leaning against the window frame, and looks out. His so close, I can feel the warmth coming from his body and my heart is racing again. Stop it already, please...

"The second watch was on me." he says. "You should've slept. You were out, hunting all day yesterday."

"I wasn't tired." I say and this time, I'm not even lying. I mean, my body is tired, but my mind is not at all. I don't think I could've slept for long, even if I really tried to. I look at him, his hazel eyes meet mine and the fucking butterflies come alive in my stomach again. I think about that name, Sarah again, and I gather the courage to ask who she is but he is faster than me.

"Something on your mind, Charlotte?" He ask. He always calls me by my full name.

"Yes." I answer after swallowing back my heart that is beating inside my throat. "I'm thinking about checking Tommy's traps..." I say and stand up. I retreat at the last moment. It is his personal stuff and I have nothing to do with it.

"I don't think you should, your feet..." he starts insisting but I cut in between his words.

"No. Really. I would like to." I stand up, already pulling on my boots. I pull on my second sweater on the first one as well and I already walk to the front door, while putting on my jacket. I grab my bow and quiver and I'm out.

The snow is still falling, way heavier than yesterday, even the wind is blowing slightly. The sky is dark, cold grey above me, not much signs of the sun yet. It must be really early. Probably just before dawn. But I am happy as I am finally on the move again.

This way I can occupy my mind. Though I have no idea where to look for Tommy's traps, my steps are determined as I am making my way through the now really knee-high snow. I can feel my socks are already wet again, and I can hear Joel's told you so ringing in my ears in advance, but I don't care.

I hate myself for all these feelings that are waking up inside me. Feelings always make everything more difficult as if everything weren't already difficult enough. I am just going to ignore it, I decide as I am walking farer and farer away from our little shelter, the wind whistling heavier with each passing minute.

I stumble across Tommy's first trap after an hour and a half and - it is empty. I am not surprised. It feels like a blizzard is heading towards us again, no animal would be roaming around in a weather like this. I am not even looking for other traps anymore, I am just walking.

It is way past dawn, even morning already when I finally feel myself cooled down enough. Both rhetorically and literally meaning. I can't feel my feet again, this time my ears have joined the arsenal of frozen limbs and all my clothes are damping just like yesterday. But I do really feel better. I am about to turn back, towards the direction of our little hut, when I first hear the voices.

Not animals, not infected - but people are coming towards me in a rush. I can hear the snow crackling under their feet and I throw myself behind the cover of a thicker tree. I place an arrow on the string and peek out from behind the tree, but the heavily falling snow is making it difficult to see farer than a few feet.

I can only tell that they are not more than three - one younger girl and two men. Maybe the girl is being chased? Her voice, that is drifting towards me, sounds like she's crying. When they get closer to me I get my confirmation about what I already suspected as one of the men fires his revolver - the bullet barely avoiding the girls head with only a few inches.

She screams up, covering her head with her arms but this way she falls in the high snow after a few steps. Her attackers reach her in no time and she raises her hand up as she begs: "No, please! Please stop!" She screams.

"The bitch dares to beg..." I hear one of the men spit the words to the other and I decide. I pull the string tightly, aiming at the throat and let go of my arrow. By the time the lifeless body hits the snow, I am already pulling the string a second time and they both die, without having the slightest idea of who killed them. Their crimson blood melting the snow around their corpses...

I feel sick. I am not even counting anymore how many lives I've taken since Austin... I sigh and step to the surprised girl, still lying on the ground. I can see she's barely just a teenager as she is looking up at me, watching me pull my arrows out of the two dead men's throats.

"You killed them..." she huffs.

"I did." I reply as I look into her face. I can't decide whether she's grateful or confused but then she speaks again.

"You saved my life..."