Chapter 8: Vortex

It was approaching two o'clock by the time Remus forced himself to return home, but still he hesitated at the front door. The forest teemed with life, sunlight penetrated every gap in the knotted branches overhead and descended in airy shafts around the house, but its eery beauty did nothing to move him. He'd woken to an empty bed that morning and his heart had felt leaden ever since. The second he turned the door handle, he heard boots drumming down the stairs on the other side.

"Where in the name of Merlin's matching sock have you been?"

Tonks leapt the final three steps. She was wearing a purple velvet party dress. Wild blond hair spiralled to her waist and her eyelids sparkled with gold sequins. He felt winded by the very sight of her.

"I - I met with Kingsley in London. Didn't you get my note?"

"Yeah, but you've been gone hours! We're 'sposed to be at the wedding in ten minutes! There's no time left!"

"What do we need time for?"

"Um…I dunno, I just wanted to see you! You took ages."

"I left a note, at least," Remus replied, coolly.

Tonks didn't seem to notice his tone. She was jittery, brushing the grain of the velvet on her stomach one way and then the other.

"Crumbs, there's…there's nothing for it…" she muttered absently, "we'll just have to go and…when we get back…" she started bounding back upstairs again, her boots leaving a trail of straw and dust as she went, yelling at him over her shoulder, "come and change!"

Remus stayed where he was, wishing she could understand without him needing to explain. He couldn't go to the wedding. He couldn't immerse himself in a crowd of strangers who would probably call for an evacuation if they knew what he was, nor could he stand in public by the side of a woman who anyone could see far surpassed him. Tonks had disappeared into the bedroom, so he had to call up to her:

"I've been thinking that it might be best if I bow out. If Scrimgeour was to hear of my attendance, it could lead to more trouble for you at the Ministry. I can walk the Burrow's boundaries instead, keep an eye on things from the outside."

The floorboards creaked, but Tonks said nothing.

"Dora?"

Remus sighed and went upstairs. He paused in the bedroom door to see Tonks swivelling in front of their long, black-spotted mirror, her hair prickling with static every time it brushed her dress.

"I was saying, perhaps I shouldn't - "

"I heard you, Remus, I just didn't want to dignify that twaddle by arguing back to it. You're coming to the wedding," she pulled the robes he'd worn to their own out of the wardrobe and threw them at him, "end of."

She twirled, wobbled, pulled faces at the mirror. My wife, he thought: watching her, yearning for her, as if two metres were two thousand miles. Making love to her was the only time he felt free - he craved it - but even in its ecstatic consummation, he felt its transience. One day her fire for him would dim and his desire would no longer thrill her. She was becoming more and more preoccupied and Remus knew why: she was starting to notice the cracks in their shared life, to realise that everything he'd warned her about was steadily coming true.

"Don't look so glum. Please," said Tonks, grabbing his hands and planting a kiss on his cheek. "Today's a good day. A big day. A really blooming massive day."

"You look very beautiful."

She grinned. "That's more like it. Come on, get a wriggle on - you know how much Bill and Fleur want you there. Besides, I think we've earned the right to cut loose for a day, haven't we? Everything's been so…so mad recently…" she swallowed, seeming to lose her train of thought, "um - and you'll get to see Harry! I know you've been wanting to speak to him for ages…"

Tonks gripped his hand like she knew how much he wanted to withdraw it. The meadow outside the Burrow was heaving with people. He hadn't been around so many since his long months in Greyback's encampment. Here, instead of brushing shoulders with his fellows, naked and filthy from writhing awake on the cold ground at dawn, everyone was dressed in lavishly adorned robes and hats topped with birds, laughing like there wasn't a war on, oblivious and whole.

They saw Arthur, his cheeks flushed with excitement and the top of his head already shining with sunburn. "With the curly hair, doing the ushering with Ron. Call him Barney," he murmured to them as he passed.

But Remus would know Harry anywhere. He recognised his mannerisms and his little ticks even when Polyjuiced into the skin of another boy. Standing at the entrance to the marquee, he was shifting uncomfortably in ill-fitting robes but, as he surveyed the gathering guests, his eyes still carried that look of wonder he hadn't quite grown out of. Molly was right. Seventeen was too young. Harry was still wedded to the spells and ideals of his childhood - he'd proved as much on the night of his delivery to the Burrow. They couldn't expect him to carry Dumbledore's burdens alone. He needed guidance.

"Wotcher," said Tonks when they reached him, "Arthur told us you were the one with the curly hair."

Harry smiled and, glancing multiple times at the seating plan in his hand, led them into the marquee and up a purple-carpeted aisle.

"Sorry about last night," Tonks whispered to him as they went, "the ministry's being very anti werewolf at the moment and we thought our presence might not do you any favours."

Harry looked directly at Remus when he replied, "It's fine, I understand."

He saw the question in Harry's gaze, but there was too much to say and all he managed in return was an inadequate smile. Remus led Tonks along their row and took his seat at the far edge.

"You'd better hold on to that one, Lupin!"

It was Molly's Aunt Muriel, smirking at Remus over her shoulder as she followed Ron to her row.

"We can't have her upstaging the bride by fainting in the aisle, now can we?"

Too bewildered to respond, Remus looked at Tonks, expecting her to deliver some sort of barbed comeback, but none came. She only scowled at Muriel's back, fiddling with the flowers that dressed the chairs in front of them, an uncharacteristic blush warming her cheeks.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing. Old bat thinks she's hilarious, that's all. Look, there's Bill!"

Bill stood tall, beaming and winking at the final guests as they took their seats. For the first time since the night of the attack, Remus found it difficult to look at him. Bill's face wouldn't be marred by teeth and nails on his wedding day if Remus had killed Greyback when he'd had the chance. He glanced at Tonks to see her twisting strands of hair around her finger - nervously, he thought - but before he could ask her another question, a hush fell and music began to lilt out of the golden balloons beside Bill. Tonks twisted in her seat and squeezed Remus' thigh.

"Here she comes! What a knock-out!"

Tonks watched Fleur progress up the aisle, but Remus watched Tonks: how her breath fluttered the yellow frizz of her hair, how her cheeks formed into little balls when she smiled.

"Our lupins, look," she said, elbowing him.

Fleur's delicate hands dripped with flowers and Remus saw the long blue flutes from Tonks' wedding crown bobbing amongst them. He hoped they wouldn't prove to be bad luck. When Fleur reached Bill, the ceremony began.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two faithful souls."

Muriel began a loud commentary from her seat a few rows in front of them ("Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely…") and Remus found it difficult to concentrate on Elphias Doge's officiating. Tonks must have fainted at Muriel's house and neglected to tell him. Perhaps that was the real reason she'd missed the portkey. Clearly her encounter with Bellatrix had been worse than she'd been willing to admit - to him, at least.

"Do you, William Arthur, take Fleur Isabelle…?"

Tonks' knee was bobbing up and down next to his. Remus wanted to stop it with his hand but didn't dare to in plain view. In what felt like no time at all, Doge was flourishing his wand triumphantly for the final pronouncement.

"Then I declare you bonded for life!"

A waterfall of silver stars engulfed Bill and Fleur. The golden balloons exploded and birds of paradise soared from the remains, flying with shimmering wings around the marquee. Remus remembered the moment he and Tonks had become husband and wife: there had been little fanfare, and even less of an audience, but he'd felt the change in his heart - a tremor of joy that ran too deep to fully comprehend - and thought he'd seen it in Tonks' face too. But as he watched another couple pass across that same border, he felt nothing of the solemn exhilaration he'd experienced that night in the Scally Wizzbee. He knew, but hadn't let himself acknowledge at the time, that he and Tonks' marriage was not only a joining, but a severing too: the cutting away of her safe tether to society. Remus felt a little dizzy as he joined in with the applause that greeted Bill and Fleur's kiss.

"Ladies and gentlemen, would you please stand up?"

The walls of the tent vanished, leaving only a canopy overhead that was supported by shining poles. Liquid gold smoothed itself over the ground to form a dance floor. Tables popped up from nothing and a band took to a newly-erected stage.

"I'll be right back - I'm bursting for the loo."

Tonks darted away into the smiling, handshaking masses. Remus hovered, waiting for her to return. A white-robed waiter offered him drinks from a tray and he took two glasses of champagne, feeling the bass pound in his chest as the live music started in earnest and the dancing began. The torpefying relief of the bubbles was irresistible and, before Remus even realised what he was doing, he'd drained both glasses. By the time he caught sight of Tonks zigzagging her way back across the dance floor, he'd replaced them with two new ones but Molly, twirling out of Arthur's arms, intercepted her before she could reach him. Tonks' face lit up in an expression Remus couldn't read. Though her eyes looked almost fearful, she smiled a giddy smile and nodded frantically at Molly who flung her arms around her. When Tonks noticed Remus approaching, her smile faded.

"Congratulations, Molly. What a beautiful ceremony," said Remus, trying not to sound as uneasy as he felt.

"Oh, Remus," said Molly, pressing a damp handkerchief to her eyes, "come here!"

She gave him a crushing hug that made the drinks he was holding overflow onto his sleeves. Through Molly's coiffed hair, he saw Tonks chewing her nails.

"Few too many sherries," she said, steering him away as soon as Molly returned to dance with Arthur. "Mother of the groom, and all that!"

They stopped at the edge of the dance floor and Remus handed her a champagne. Tonks took a sip then immediately clapped her hand over her mouth. The liquid sprayed out between her fingers and the glass dropped to smash on the floor.

"Uh - oops…S-sorry!" She coughed.

"That wasn't poisoned, you know," said Remus, dabbing the front of his robes and drawing his wand to vanish the mess. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah! I, um, I might go for a pumpkin juice instead. Want to keep a clear head."

"I'll find you one. Are you sure you're alright?"

Tonks nodded, drying the damp strands of her hair with her wand.

"You seem a little…?"

"Over-excited! Party fever, you know."

"Right."

Remus finished his drink and went to find another waiter. On his return, he heard unfamiliar voices coming from the spot where he'd left her.

"TONKS?! No flipping way, is that you?"

"Tonks, you look gorgeous! Oh my god, it's been years."

Remus stopped short. The speakers were a handsome young man with a dark beard and patterned robes, a girl with intricate braids in a blood-red dress and a second man in a tailored muggle suit. They were surrounding Tonks and she was jumping up and down, hugging them each in turn. Remus began to retreat, melting away into the crowd, putting as many bodies between him and them as he could. He saw Tonks look over her shoulder, wondering where he'd got to, but she was a fool if she hoped to introduce him. None of them would speak to her if they knew what she'd done.

Bill joined them and the little group erupted into cheers. Remus watched from a distance as Bill took Tonks by the hands and waltzed with her, making her trip over her feet. She laughed and pushed him away, grabbing Fleur instead and spinning her in such a fast circle that their hair flew out in waves. He hated himself for staring but he couldn't help it. This was how Tonks was supposed to live her life: uninhibited, surrounded by her peers, singing along to songs he didn't know.

"Top up, Remus?"

It was Arthur, a bottle floating at his elbow.

"Yes, thank you - and congratulations. You and Molly must be delighted."

"We certainly are. It's been quite a day - quite a month, to be frank. I think we've all earned the right to let off a bit of steam tonight!"

Tonks cajoled Fleur to throw the bouquet and Fred took a flying leap across the dance floor to capture it. Tonks doubled over laughing, Fleur stamped her foot, Fred dusted himself off and winked at one of Fleur's cousins.

"Tonks certainly seems to be enjoying herself," said Arthur, with a chuckle. "She deserves it after that horrid business yesterday."

Remus frowned. He had hoped Scrimgeour's threat wasn't widely known.

"You heard about that?"

"The whole Ministry's been gossiping about it, I'm afraid to say. Tonks is as tough as they come, but still - no one wants to find a dead animal on their desk first thing in the morning!"

"A…dead animal?"

"Yes, that poor wolf. Butchered just to prove a point. Awful. You - oh!" Arthur straightened his glasses, alarmed by Remus' expression, "Oh dear, I assumed you knew all about that! Well…Tonks has been exceedingly busy, hasn't she? I'm sure she simply…forgot to mention it. You mustn't let a spiteful stunt like that rattle you."

"Right. Will you excuse me, Arthur?"

Remus walked away before Arthur could reply. He weaved his way through the crowd, the information breaking over him. An animal to remind Tonks of her animal husband. No wonder she was on the brink of getting sacked. Anyone who didn't despise her must pity her. He told himself he shouldn't be surprised that she hadn't told him - she liked to keep her little secrets, to tell him her white lies, didn't she?

Remus found an empty table and sat down, taking up a bottle of whisky that hovered past. He spiked the pumpkin juice he'd found for Tonks and swallowed it down, then refilled the glass neat. Hagrid stopped by, hiccuping his way through a story about Fleur and a Welsh Green; after him, came Luna Lovegood who chatted merrily about the tickling charm he'd once taught her and its effectiveness against dabberblimps; and finally an elderly man who spoke only in slurred French. None of them stayed long. Time slouched on into dusk.

Harry was seated at a far table, locked in conversation with Elphias Doge and Muriel, but Remus didn't have the strength to face him. He couldn't bear to see the expectation in those green Lily Evans eyes, knowing that he had only ever failed his best friends' son. There was only one person Remus wanted to speak to. If he closed his eyes, letting the taste of the whisky overwhelm his senses until there was nothing but a heady storm between his temples, he could almost feel Sirius beside him. Almost.

Rainbow beams wheeled around the canopy like searchlights. The music grew louder and the ground pulsed beneath Remus' feet. He caught sight of Tonks again. She was dancing, ardently, almost desperately, but her face was dreamy. She moved her body like she was alone, like she understood something no one else did. He stared and stared at her, trying to understand: whatever secrets she was holding, she didn't look burdened - she looked electrified.

"There you are!" She cried on spotting him, squeezing through the chairs. "You've been hiding."

"It didn't seem like you needed me."

Tonks raised an eyebrow and plucked the glass out of his hand, setting it down on the table.

"I know this isn't your natural habitat, but I'm not going to let you get away with moping all night. Let's have a dance, just me and you."

He let her pull him to his feet and drag him into the fray. The air was humid and heavy with pipe smoke. Remus felt uncomfortably aware of his long limbs, his bony shoulders, his aching joints. Above them, moths beat their wings against the canopy, disorientated by the lights. Tonks laced her arms around his neck and he moved stiffly with her, the music sounding like noise.

"You should have had a wedding like this," he murmured.

"I can't hear you!"

Tonks leaned back in his arms and smiled at him. Remus shook his head. He wanted to fall into the deep blue of her eyes, to drown there and feel no pain. She kissed him, taking him by surprise, and he twitched away. There were too many witnesses, too many judging eyes. Tonks stopped dancing. She dropped her arms from around his neck and glared at him in exasperation.

"You have to be braver than this!"

They stared at one another.

"There's something you're not telling me," said Remus.

Tonks blanched. The lights flashed, changing her hair from pink to blue, to red, and back to blond.

"There is," he said, having to raise his voice to be heard over the music, "isn't there?"

She screwed up her face, looking pained. "Forget I said anything. Let's just - "

"Tell me."

"It's - something stupid - I - " she said, looking round as a couple bumped into her, "I should have said something yesterday when I got home. Bellatrix, she - "

"Sent a dead wolf to your office, I know. Arthur told me."

"I'm sorry."

"What else?"

"What?"

"What else don't I know?"

Her eyes widened. The confirmation of his suspicion was a cold feather down his spine.

"Tell me, Dora."

"Not here!"

"I must know."

"Not like this. When we get back - "

"I won't wait."

She placed her palm on her forehead. Her chest heaved and a tiny trickle of sweat disappeared between her breasts.

"I was going to tell you straight away - I was, I really was - but you weren't there when I got back and it took you so long to come home and then there wasn't enough time. But I can't tell you like this! I can't! It has to be done right!"

"This is ridiculous. Come outside."

She followed him away from the dancing bodies, past the tables and out into the dark meadow, where the air was sweet and cool and the only sounds were the thump of drums and the occasional wail of drunken singing. Remus turned to face her. She was breathing like she'd run a mile, her eyes were glassy and he could see tiny dots of fireflies reflected in her pupils.

"We're alone now. Tell me what's happened."

"Oh blimey, my heart's racing…" Tonks bunched up her hair in both hands, "I didn't want it to be like this…not with you all drunk and cross - and me completely tongue-tied, making a pig's ear out of the whole thing…"

"For pity's sake, Dora - just tell me! I can't stand this."

She released her hair and it tumbled down over her shoulders and chest. "I made a mistake. Wait - no! That's not the right way to…um…"

"What kind of mistake?"

"Not a…not a bad mistake. I thought it was at first, but I don't anymore."

"What kind of mistake?" Remus repeated through clenched teeth.

"Before I drop this almighty bomb on you, I want you to take a second and remember how far we've come. We're bloody brilliant, me and you. We can do anything as long as we're together and - oh bollocks, that sounds so cheesy! What I mean is, a year ago you'd never have been able to imagine what we are today, would you? The thought of us happily married would have terrified you witless. Well…now, there's a new terrifying thing. A new amazing thing. I think so anyway."

"I don't understand."

"This morning I…" she closed her eyes then opened them again, "I found out I'm pregnant."

Remus flinched. He shrank away from her, his arms contracting around his body. But while his body reacted, his head remained calm: what Tonks had just said was ludicrous.

"That can't be true."

"It's a lot to take in, my brain's been in a spin all day!"

Remus slowly shook his head. "I don't know what to say. What you're suggesting is impossible. I know you've been feeling a little unwell lately, but it's absurd to jump to a conclusion like that."

"I'm pregnant, Remus. I am."

"If I didn't know you any better, I'd think this was some kind of cruel joke. You're confused, Dora. It's like I said to you before, grief can do strange things to the body, make you feel - "

"No! I buggered up our contraception - "

"That sounds highly unlikely. If it will set your mind at ease, we can purchase a test, but - "

"I've done a test! I'm pregnant, up the duff, there's a bun - ugh, what am I saying? Listen, what happened was…you remember how St Mungo's didn't know what spell Bellatrix had hit me with? Well, they did a full magical wipe on me as part of my treatment. Thing is, the Healer told me about it on the day I was discharged, but it must have gone in one ear and out the other - you know what I'm like with admin and I was so distracted that day, thinking about Sirius, and you, and how badly I'd let everyone down…"

The ringing in Remus' ears had become white noise. When Tonks stepped forward to take his hands, gently pulling them away from his sides, she seemed unreal to him, an imposter. He blinked at her dumbly.

"I've thought about it and thought about it, and I know I told you I never wanted a baby, and I know it's the most appalling timing, and I'm never going to be mum of the year, and you're probably about to have a right royal freak out about becoming a dad, but I've made up my mind. We're going to have a baby, Remus. It's come to us by accident and it's hardly bigger than a bean right now - only six weeks - but we're going to love it, we're going to love it so much."

"I'm not able to father a child," he said, slowly.

"You are," Tonks squeezed his limp hands, "and for someone who thought they might struggle in that department, you were, um, remarkably efficient."

Her smile disturbed him. No child could come from his cursed body, it was too abhorrent to contemplate.

"It can't be mine."

"Give it time, it'll sink in. I was the same, I kept thinking I'd stepped into the craziest dream of my life - "

"Your protection charm gave me peace of mind, nothing more. Werewolves don't father children. They don't breed at all. It's unheard of. I've never known of it, never even read of it happening."

"Don't use the word 'breed'. Maybe it's really rare, but clearly werewolves can have children, otherwise how - ?"

"There was someone else," Remus breathed, light-headed with sickening relief as the sudden realisation hit him, "before the battle in Hogwarts castle."

Tonks froze and her face distorted into a rictus of shock. "What? Say that again?"

"Someone else," he repeated, almost choking on the words. "Another man."

Tonks pulled her hands away as if they'd been burnt and stumbled backwards.

"You're not, you can't be… Are you seriously accusing me of shagging someone else?"

"It's alright, my love," he whispered, his voice unnaturally high, "you can tell me. I won't be angry with you. I was gone for such a long time and you - you were so lonely."

"I could curse you, Remus! I went through hell for you! I waited and waited for you!"

"You don't understand, it would be better that way," Remus pleaded with her, hope streaming out of him like blood from a wound, "anything would be better…anything…Dora, please…tell me…please…"

"It's yours! The baby is yours!"

"No," he staggered to the side, lifting an arm to block her from his sight, "please no."

Tonks wasn't splayed on the ground in front of him. She wasn't drowning in her own blood, claws hadn't ruptured her intestines, Remus hadn't sunk his teeth into her, but the wolf had won all the same. The curse had gotten inside her: it had latched onto an unborn host who, from its very first innocent gasp, would be condemned to a life of pain - to his life.

"If I wasn't so fucking furious with you, I'd tell you how much of an amazing father I think you'll be!"

"Not a father. No. That's not the word for what I am."

Remus' legs were on the verge of giving in. It was a fate worse than death to become like those he despised: wantonly sharing his curse, dooming another to share their body and mind with a fiend, allowing them no escape except the grave. All this time, he'd feared what he became at the full moon, but it wasn't bloodlust that had ruined him, but human lust; not the urge to kill that had exposed him as the beast he was, but love - a love he was never meant to have for a woman he never should have touched. A monster could only beget monsters.

"I've become…like him…I should have known…it finds a way…always there…the curse…the curse…"

"You're babbling, I can't understand you - Remus, just stop and breathe for a second - "

Tonks caught his flailing wrists. Remus shuddered at their skin's contact and tore himself away.

"Don't touch me, no - no, no, no."

Her bottom lip was trembling. "I know it's a shock, but - but it's going to be okay. You've got to try and breathe. I need you to breathe. I need you."

"What have we done?"

"Don't talk like that."

Remus grabbed at his hair. "What have we done?"

"We've made a baby! That's all!"

"How could you be so fucking stupid?"

Tonks winced. She crushed her hands to her chest as if staunching a wound. He turned away from her. He wanted to start running, to fall unconscious, to plunge into dark water, but something struck his shoulder, making him sway on the spot: it was Tonks, sprinting past him back under the canopy towards the wedding party. She was yelling something and it wasn't until Remus saw the silver lynx that he realised the word was, "Kingsley!" He took off after her, drawing his wand. The lynx landed in the middle of the parting crowd. Remus and Tonks skidded on the golden floor, reaching the patronus just as the band ceased playing and the huge silver cat opened its mouth to speak:

"The Ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming."

In the silence that followed, the air itself seemed to quiver. Remus heard a distant crackle high above and knew the protection charms were falling. There was a brief moment of suspension and then the screams rang out. He began casting shield charms, sending them soaring in all directions. Tonks did the same and together they shouted at the stampeding guests to flee. The ensuing cracks were deafening but they weren't caused by disapparition alone: new figures were appearing in the chaos, wearing uniforms Remus had never seen before.

They've come for Harry.

Remus frantically scanned the crowds, turning just in time to see Harry - holding hands with Ron and Hermione - vanish.