"Repair"
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"I have come to the end with tired arms"
Opportunities he had them all. He had them to spare, for pennies, by a remote facility that he had no doubt could have opened his mouth and said what he had to say. But no. Naoki is not like that and perhaps he wouldn't be in a next life or the next that he is called upon.
If Naoki could go back in time, he wishes he had never seen Kotoko's face as soon as he revealed that he was engaged to Sahoko.
It was the most shattered and devastated face he had seen from her since he had known her. A face that reflected the tonality of a "was" or a "what could have been". That expression evoked a devastating sensation throughout his body, numbing him as if he had been injected with anesthesia so that he wouldn't be able to feel the physical pain that paralyzed him in that precise moment when he decided to accept his defeat because of his foolishness.
The soft voice that sounded from his ears deafened by his inability to handle situations involving emotions was coming to an end. The voice announced in his head that he lost.
He lost and with that came the bitter taste of defeat. A defeat that entailed a battle that, although it never started, because it was always postponed.
"I see" Kotoko's disappointed voice made him turn to the cruel reality that awaited him with wide eyes and arms stretched out to the sky.
"Kotoko-chan, it's a mistake," His mother replied in a beep. "It's not what you think!" She directed her gaze at him urgently. "Explain it to her, Onii-chan, tell Kotoko-chan the situation as it is"
"That's fine." Kotoko tilted his head (a sign of disappointment on his part). He just watched what was happening without the slightest idea of how to correct the sadness that Kotoko's face harbored. He wanted to amend it, in truth he wanted to fix it until he was absolved of the damage, but he pondered that he hadn't yet finished with the commitment, so he was not yet free to fix the disaster.
Seeing her almost cry in front of him was a painful detail for him to contemplate with broken eyes, and constricted pupils. Their eyes met in the brief period in which Naoki had understood that what they could have had could be beautiful, something special and far from relative, something as beautiful as it is profound. Something as human as it is pure.
Something so ... the possibilities fell short in such a depressing scenario that he lived without pain or glory.
"I don't need any more explanations," Kotoko clarified, raising her head with the intention of being sure of what she said. She was like that. Safe, even in the worst of times. Kotoko never bowed down in destruction, in sadness, in anything. "Naoki-kun's answer is enough for me to understand what happens at home."
"Kotoko-chan," His mother interrupted in a hurry.
At that, she ran out of the kitchen.
Naoki went after her, but was held back by his mother, who had partly returned to cry. When he found himself in a situation of being trapped with his mother crying to him, he was limited to observing her, waiting for her to say the reason why she held him that way.
His mother's hands dug into his forearms, looking like needles embedded in his skin.
"Onii-chan, don't do anything right now," She ordered between her tears.
"Why?" He snapped altered.
"Mr. Oizumi made an offer that I couldn't refuse!" She confessed disconsolately. "I couldn't because… because my your father is more important than anything else, I watched him struggle so hard with Pandai's company, from founding it to being successful." He inhaled. "The least I could do is support him as much as I can; I can't leave him alone; if the company went bankrupt, I would destroy it"
Naoki briefly processed what his mother had just revealed. He didn't expected that Mr. Oizumi would make the offer directly to his mother behind his back. A damn offer that got him engaged to a boring girl?!
Outrageous.
He sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Are you serious?!" Naoki spat, a vein stabbing at his temple and the bridge of his nose flapping.
His mother nodded.
The situation took an unexpected turn.
The few conversations he had had with Mr. Oizumi were not enough to corroborate what Mr. Oizumi did behind his back, showing him a knowing smile when they were together in the office, but outside the office things had been different than expected.
He had hardly understood that the first opinions are not always correct. He realized that the same thing happened to him when he met Kotoko.
He misjudged her based on the first appearances he had of her without knowing her and later he realized that she was different from the first opinion he had of her person.
She didn't dare to clasp her hands and hit anything else that might lessen the tension she was feeling at the moment. The tension that consumed him, making him a prisoner of his mixed feelings.
How did he get fooled like that?
How stupid was he?
Yes. He was so stupid for not thinking clearly about things.
He was torturing himself for so many weeks thinking that what he was doing was right, when from the beginning it was a mistake. The fall of the link.
He was tasting the true taste of losing over a fool's errand A bland insignificance, a trifle that was not worth a penny divided by two.
Naoki didn't know which was worse, if to hear his mother cry to him or if he lamented his inability to discern the situation in which he intruded himself for being a fool.
He realized that being an adult is not an easy thing; and he wasn't as capable a man as he thought he was. Being the genius that was considered to be in college is nothing unlike dealing in the adult world, where seeing his mom cry in front of him and the girl he love knowing that he are engaged to another woman who is not her is what lived in the present.
"I'm so sorry, Onii-chan," She cried crumbling. "I caused a disgrace by my childishness and by thinking so much about your father"
"Don't worry," He tried to say to mend the tension that hovered between them.
"I didn't mean to get you in so much trouble," She continued. "I didn't want it, I really didn't want it, it wasn't my intention."
"It's okay," He assured, patting her on the shoulder. "Stop crying, mother." He let out a heavy sigh. "It's enough crying for now."
"Onii-chan!" She cried indignantly.
"I'm tired of you crying over nonsense that can be corrected," He snapped, tactlessly. "I haven't even tried to repair the situation and you've given up; That's not you, mother" He took her by the shoulders, and shook her slightly. "Get your spirit back! Get into battle, mother; you are not like that"
The tears that flowed from her mother's eyes ceased to emerge.
"Onii-chan," She breathed out.
"You don't get won over by a stupid offer from Mr. Oizumi!" He said. "Put on your war armor, go into battle and win, mother!" He motivated. "Win!"
His mother blinked, recovering her face.
"I can't do this alone," Naoki added. "I need help"
His mother inhaled shakily, wiping away the tear trails that remained on her cheeks.
Suddenly, out of inertia, she nodded.
Naoki smirked at her answer.
It wasn't a was.
He didn't consider it that way the moment it happened, but that morning when he woke up and Kotoko wasn't there at the table having breakfast with them. He got it.
He understood that it was a was.
He assimilated it with the pain in his chest, heavy on his back like an enormous weight that carried the greatest pain in the world conspiring against his favor.
He knew that there was a moment when he could have told her what was going through his mind in the various moments they spent together; he knew that he was completely incompetent to deal with his feelings openly, because everything had to be locked up with an impenetrable padlock of great value so that no one could enter inside.
He knew everything beforehand, he saw it with the ingratitude in which a hurricane absorbs you without your permission to spit on you in another part of the world.
He was spat into a place where he knew he lost.
A site that perhaps he never had in his hands, then, he let it escape without taking reins on the matter.
Naoki woke up that morning with a scratchy throat, matted hair, exhausted eyes, and dark circles hanging from his eyes. The unpleasantness of the environment was perceived as a bucket of cold water, being enveloped by a layer of ice that burned the skin just by touching it.
He tried to go after Kotoko after the conversation he had with his mother that reached a good end, because, she had perfectly understood his words and was willing to give everything for everything.
It gave him certainty to know that his mother was on his side, supporting and listening to him in times of uncertainty, where restlessness of the soul reigned and the little vanity that could be possessed was mitigated by the insoluble thoughts he had about the disheartened feeling of not having been able to talk to Kotoko and clear up the misunderstanding.
He loved her and needed her on his side. There must be a way to convince him otherwise. With his head held high she would accept the reprisals that he himself would give him, also ending in the conclusion of knowing if she loved him or not, as he loved her.
Although he was unaware of her feelings, he knew that she loved someone, but she hadn't yet told him who it was; but many times she incited him who it could be, but he didn't catch the hints that she sent him with her usual way of speaking.
But he wondered, what would he have said if she had given him the benefit of the doubt. What nonsense would have come out of his mouth without filters, what face would he not make by showing himself as he really is. What he really hides behind the mask of his repressed personality; what things would he not say to Kotoko if he had another chance to do so.
Also with sour humor to the core, she went up to the office with melancholy encompassing all her cold expression and unaware of the world.
The elevator had a certain lonely quality that brought out its loneliness, now that Kotoko was not with it; Kotoko was training for the basketball games that would take place during the fall and winter. They had already won a few games, but they needed to upgrade to be at the ideal level to win the basketball tournament in the region, in order to go to the major leagues.
He sighed reluctantly.
That was Kotoko; of broad aspirations. Of unattainable dreams, which made achievable. She was a girl of many qualities, who was considered as someone of few physical attributes, but in his eyes, she had everything.
The great mental imbalance that she suffered in the midst of producing the video game in order to finish it as soon as possible, due to the thousands of problems that working in her father's company had brought her without prior notice.
After two o'clock, his mother spoke to him on his cell phone, instead of speaking directly to his phone office.
His eyes snapped open, running a hand across his forehead.
"Mother," He greeted.
"Onii-chan!" She said in her usual laughing tone. "Good news, your father is already coming home, Pandai's driver will take him home and Shigeo-san will bring food from the restaurant."
"What about Kotoko?" He asked awkwardly.
His mother seemed to miss his clumsiness and went on in his usual way.
"She had a game this morning and arrives at 3," She stated. "Don't worry about her, I already told Kotoko-chan that it's all a misunderstanding and she went to the game more calmly; she understood, but she is waiting for an explanation from you, because she feels left out because you didn't tell her anything about it"
Naoki swallowed, lamenting his ineptitude.
"I see..." He mumbled, sighing.
"Don't worry, Onii-chan!" His mother comforted with motivation in her tone. "If you have a chance, I'm almost sure that Kotoko-chan likes you, if not to say I'm very sure that there will be something between you, yes!" She exclaimed with pleasure. "I hope you get the hang of this, Onii-chan and take it as learning to talk to Kotoko-chan."
"Ok, mother, thanks." He hung up his cell phone hard.
He sighed, lowering his head.
Her face for those extremes was flushed that it seemed that it would explode from the blush that monopolized her face.
What did it mean that he had a chance?
Was she hinting that Kotoko liked him?
If so, he would feel more than blessed with such a possibility. But it was only a remote possibility of the many possibilities that he imagined in his moments of reflection.
He gave a brief start, putting things on the table, took his suit and left the office as soon as possible.
Arriving home, longing for a few minutes of calm before the storm that awaited him with the arrival of the Oizumi.
He climbed the stairs, his face exuding all his feeling, as he took each stride. What did not count when she reached the second floor was that his body collided with another body considerably smaller than his, but that was resistant, so the impact wasn't so awkward when reacting and he placed his hands on the shoulders of the other person, to regain balance.
He didn't count on it being Kotoko getting out of the shower.
"Ah, Naoki-kun," She said when she recognized him. Her rosy cheeks and wet hair gave her the ideal air to tempt him to cling to her.
"Kotoko," He muttered, stunned to see her so pretty.
"I imagine you've just arrived home," She stated, postponing the distance between them. Her long, straight hair emanated an electrifying scent, it was devastating for the young Naoki, who squirmed just seeing her that way.
"Yes," He answered, adding: "And you?"
"I arrived a while ago." She shook her black hair, running her fingers through the long strands that held her straight hair. "We won the match, by the way." She smirked with the achievement. "It was very hot in the auditorium at the university where we played, but it was fun, though." She paused, focusing on a particular strand that was tangled and began to part her hair one by one.
Naoki didn't know if Kotoko was doing it on purpose, because he was lost in what was coming out of her mouth by being focused on seeing her touch his hair with the delicate and fine gestures of a woman.
"Oba-sama told me that it had been a misunderstanding that you are getting married," She replied, raising an eyebrow and then lowering it. "Tell me, is it true? Because you weren't very convinced the times I talked to you about Mr. Oizumi's granddaughter, I mean, you played along with me when I laughed at her and her refined ways of behaving" She mocked Sahoko's behaviors, making Naoki's eyes will light up in a calmer way. "But hey, is it true that you are not getting married?"
He swallowed hard and was spat back into reality again.
He wanted to avoid the question, but he didn't find the strength to do so.
"I'm engaged," He specified, embarrassed.
"But in love?"
"No, I'm not in love with her," He clarified in a soft voice.
Kotoko smiled brightly, putting both hands on her cheeks that in seconds lit up.
"So, I have a chance," She muttered to herself, without Naoki reaching to hear her, but he sensed it was a good thing from the light exuding from her face. Suddenly she looked at him more responsive than the night before. "Well then, I'll go to change to receive Oji-san, everything is fine between us, Naoki-kun, ok?" She winked contently, going to change to her room with a light surrounding its entire extension.
Naoki bet it was a good thing, but was unaware of the background of the matter.
Is it something good? he wondered with a confused face.
Most likely, yes. She looked very happy.
Well, he shrugged, nodding his head.
If she smiles it's because it's a good thing.
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P.S. (Mention to the song "Fue" from Soda Stereo)