Chapter Nine: The Princess and the Pog

In the depths of Himeji Castle, one of the grand halls had been prepared for guests, cushions laid out before a wide and finely crafted wooden table. Origami creatures moved to and fro, setting out tea and snacks for the guests while the owner of the castle attempted to look distinguished at the head of the table. Unfortunately for her, she was very clearly drinking her gamer fuel from an oversized plastic cup while a bowl of triangular chips sat before her – and based on the fingerprints she was leaving everywhere, they were dangerously cheesy. Beside her, there was a cardboard box with a glass of its own gamer fuel, an extremely long straw connecting the two, and the liquid clearly being drunk.

On one side of the table, Nobu, Trent, and Astolfo had amassed a pile of cushions, upon which they were lounging, the sole Master enjoying a plate of cookies. Charlie had been caught by his Servant and was sitting in his lap, unable to escape the pinket's grip. Beside them were the rest of their group, with Ryoma and Johan sitting on another cushion and a beanbag chair respectively. Oryou, as ever, was floating above her husband, and having emptied her tupperware container of frogs she was now gnawing absently on one end of a horribly cheese-stained body pillow.

On the other side, finally, there were two of the Devils from the earlier meeting, having introduced themselves in the interim. Akeno Himejima was a voluptuous raven-haired young lady sipping primly at a cup of tea, her mouth pulled into an enigmatic smile while her maroon eyes ticked over them. The other was Rias Gremory, her arms crossed beneath her own sizable chest while she looked between the newcomers and the two at the head of the table.

The cardboard box rattled, and a squeaky voice spoke hesitantly from within, "Um...prez? W-who're all these p-people?"

"Guests, Gasper, apparently they've some business with you and Assassin," Rias replied, her gaze settling on the Servant in question as she loudly bit into a chip.

The Specter of Himeji Castle twitched and her bespectacled gaze flickered between the members of the group, lingering on Nobu, Oryou, and to a lesser extent, Ryoma.

Taking a loud bite of his cookie, Trent remarked, "Honestly, I think she's pretty lucky. Last time we had to deal with a non-aligned Assassin, Carmy turned her into a puddle."

Osakabehime paled.

Johan's hand impacted his face. "I swear, I can't take you anywhere, especially now that you've got an enabler instead of a wrangler."

Looking his compatriot dead in the eyes, the blond let out a harsh sigh. "I miss my wife, Johan. I miss her a lot."

Johan paused, gave a nod, then replied, "That's fair, I suppose. Still…" He turned to the bat NEET. "To be clear, that wasn't a threat. Trent's just got a tongue made of razor blades and he's not afraid to use it."

"I was just remarking on how great it is that we don't have to be enemies!" the Canuck petulantly argued, writhing about and sinking further into the cushion pile. "Besides, if we were dealing with Semitruck, then there'd be the possibility of another race war, alongside how angry she always made Smoldred!"

Putting her hand on her cheek and tilting her head, Akeno remarked, "My, my, you certainly are experienced; perhaps we should see about comforting you while the missus is away."

"Young lady, I don't even know your name, besides, getting on Carmilla's bad side is always a great way to sign your own morgue ticket," Trent replied dryly, his mouth pulling into a wry smile as he ignored how the cardboard box jerked back. "Then again, we aren't married, and all the jokes came from my end in terms of our adoption of Charlie…which makes Astolfo my son-in-law…" Looking over at the now happily waving paladin, who was beaming like a loon, the blond just shook his head.

"I can't believe your son married into royalty," Johan remarked, an amused smile on his face. "But I think we're getting off-track here. Rider?" He turned the floor over to his Servant.

Ryoma tilted his hat down and let out a sigh. "I'd have liked to have Saber here for this as well, but I suppose we'll have to rely on Sir Blackmore's shared history with them to prevent hostilities—"

Both Trent and Johan broke into laughter, though Johan at least had the decency to cover it up with a fake coughing fit that quickly became a real coughing fit.

Ryoma shot them a look, and Oryou took a wad of chewed-up, cheese stained cotton out of her maw and threw it. The dripping mass soared majestically over her husband's head, splitting in two in midair and finally impacting the back of each of their heads like a pair of spitballs fired by a giant.

"No interrupting Ryoma," Oryou said with an imperious scowl.

Johan's head rocked forward and he made a sound of disgust as the moist gunk slowly slid off of him and hit the floor with a plop. With a noise of utter disdain, Trent scooped the refuse off his head and threw it back at the dragon, who sharply exhaled from her nostrils, firing a small burst of purple haze that enveloped the projectile mid-air and promptly dissolved it.

It was at that moment that Osakabehime realized just what Oryou was eating. " HEY! That's my tokubetspecial Limited Edition Piku Piku Prince Twink-chama body pillow!"

The dragon woman regarded the Assassin with an unflinching gaze, then replied (after swallowing another mouthful of cotton), "It is a suitable tribute for Oryou, little Yokai."

Osakabehime's eyes bulged in realization. "I know you! Kiyohi-chan warned me about you; you're that yandere dragon that fell in love with the Hereiiyu of Restoration!"

"That's rich, coming from her of all people," Trent sniped, wiping one of his hands on a cushion, which he yote from the pile once his hand was clean.

Okkie raised a finger, then lowered it. "Okay, fair, but Kiyohi-chan isn't exactly self-aware." She shook her head. "But that's not important! Why're you all ganging up on poor little me? I didn't do nanimonothing!"

"Nothing, you say?" Trent asked, his eyebrows pulling up towards his hairline. "You literally got Himeji Castle on national television. Besides, we aren't here to bully you or anything. Mostly just shake you down for info, make sure you don't try and fuck with us in the long run."

Ryoma cleared his throat and leaned forward, pressing the tips of his gloved fingers together. "Though, as ever, his phrasing gives me conniptions, Sir Blackmore is technically correct. The fact of the matter is that none of us know where the Grail that is sustaining us even is, on account of the Grail system, and indeed the Throne itself, not being native to this world."

"Excuse me, but you're definitely going to need to explain that further," Rias interjected, one of her hands raised in protest. "Not being native to this world? A Throne? Grails? We desperately need an explanation, as Assassin gave us nothing."

Looking and realizing that this was rapidly on its way to becoming a monologue, Nobu flailed around and rolled off her cushion pile. "Aight, later, I ain't sticking around for a spiel of shit I already know. Maybe go see about finding some clues on where Kokabiel is."

"I'm in," Trent declared, following the Archer to the ground. "I'll send up some familiars, see if I can't create a network."

Somersaulting down the cushion mountain, Astolfo cheered, "Ooh, ooh, me and Master're coming too, papa!" His face became deathly serious as he declared, "We need to wash the Hippogriff."

Charlie looked ready to embrace death.

Johan sighed. "I guess I'll stay here with Rider to cover the stuff on the Magus end of things. I'd tell you to keep a low profile, but there's not a chance in hell that happens even if you tried."

Nobu let out a boisterous laugh. "You learn quickly, Johan. Indeed, in times like this, it simply cannot be helped!"

The Demon Archer's words did nothing to reassure anyone, least of all Rias.

-x-x-x-x-x-

With an entire flock of crows in the air, Trent was eventually able to locate the wayward Saber, who along with her Master, a trio of Devils, and the exorcists from earlier. Deciding that it would probably be a terrible idea to just let them go it alone, especially with Kokabiel in the area, he sent a messenger to Johan while he and Nobu went to link up with the group.

They found themselves outside a rather decrepit church, its doors kicked in and nothing at all in the way of warding. Setting a small murder atop the steeple, the pair sauntered in, their arms raised as they shouted, "Yayeet, how it be, nuggies?"

Xenovia whirled, her hawk-like gaze fixing on the Canuck and narrowing. "So you've come, mage. Here to spout more heresy, or do you plan on impeding our search?"

"Neither, nerd. I came to check in with Mo, see how she's doing," Trent answered, putting his hands in his pockets.

Proudly puffing her chest out, Nobu chortled, "Indeed, were it time to speak of heresy, that would be my job!"

Xenovia stamped her foot on the ground, but the thunderous expression and the way the concrete cratered beneath her heel made it seem perhaps less petulant than it would have otherwise. "You speak as though heresy is some manner of fun hobby for you! Were our business not more dire, I would be of a mind to smite you where you stand!"

At this, her twintailed partner walked over, a pep in her step. "Xenovia, you're always so serious, so fire and brimstone! You gotta relax a bit, go with the flow. Think of it as a test from Him, eh?"

Xenovia then rounded on her partner, the fire in her eyes finding a new target. "That's the trouble with you, Irina! You claim I take things too seriously, but the way I see it, you don't take things seriously enough!"

"You know, you claim to be able to smite me," the Archer remarked calmly, all her previous cheer replaced with iron. "But someone who clings to another for answers, begs them for strength while relying not on their own power…" Flames licked at her shoulders and through her hair, her eyes outshining them all the same. "There's not a chance in any of the six Hells that you'll be able to reach up to the bottom of my boots."

"Yo, what's happening out here?" The brunet Devil from earlier stepped out of the backroom, looking in between the two groups.

Seeing this, Trent pointed directly at the blunette and roared, "Aha! Who's the heretic now?!"

Xenovia reddened and rounded on him, though one eye was kept trained on the woman on fire. "T-that's different!" she insisted. "We made a deal with a dragon, not a Devil like you heathen spellcasters!"

"We didn't make any deals with any demons though?" the blond remarked, reaching up to scratch at his chin. "Besides, we all know that's not how anything works. But, then again, I suppose that being a member of the clergy is all about finding loopholes."

Leaning over and murmuring in her Master's ear, Nobunaga asked, "So, I heard from the Spaniards, but do they actually go down on little boys?" Rather than answering aloud and risking the fury of the Exorcists, Trent just wagged his hand uncommitally and made a face of disgust.

Before the Exorcists could puff up, the Devil interjected, "Oh hey, you're one of those guys who know Kiba's new girlfriend! I'm Issei Hyoudou!"

"If you're smart, kid, you won't say that anywhere that Mo can hear," Trent advised, doing everything he could to hide the pain creeping into his features. "Also, don't bring up her mother. Or her father. Or her gender. Or—you know what, I'll clue you in later. I'm Trent, this is Archer."

"Yo!" Nobunaga called, giving a wave as she let the flames on her body die down.

Blinking in confusion, Issei crossed his arms as he asked, "But what's wrong with it? I mean, sure, her boobs are pretty small, but tha—"

"I'm going to stop you there for your own safety," Trent interrupted, holding a hand out in front of him. "Just add that to the pile of things not to bring up around her."

"Man, she's gonna be hard to talk to then…" the brunet muttered, his brow creasing as he descended into thought.

Before anyone could say anything else, the subject of the conversation walked in, her Master as well as the white-haired Devil girl (who'd been introduced as Koneko Toujou following the meeting) trailing behind her. Giving the trio a nod, Trent looked to Issei and mouthed for him to watch.

Looking Mordred dead in the eye, he spoke before she could. "So, whose tits do you like better, Mordred, Blue or Twintail?"

Stopping in place, and pausing in her movement to deride the blond, the Saber looked over the Exorcists. After a moment of study as she ignored their scandalized looks, she declared, "Blue. Twintail makes me think too much of the puppy, and I ain't falling into that train of logic. Too many people after that ass to even consider."

Trent nodded sagely, and then looked to Issei, who was grinning like a loon.

Koneko directed a distinctly unamused and rather dead gaze between Trent, Issei, and Mordred each in turn. After a long moment, she remarked in an apathetic tone, "Perverts, all of you."