I woke up to a loud ring. It took me a second to recognize the sound of my cellphone and understand it was my morning alarm, and another two to realize where I was...

I looked at the sleeping man beside me, ignoring the beeping alert.

My heart fluttered, but by then I was already aware it was not because of his beauty...

He seemed like a Greek god indeed, so tall and physically perfect... And his tattoos... Oh, the ink on his body was enticing like I had never thought it could be...

The medieval black and gray drawings of the spaulder armor on his shoulder made he seem like a warrior, and the Chinese Dragon that covered most of his back not only proved how resilient and determined he was, after all, with all those details, colors, and lines, getting it had definitely been painful, but it also conveyed the idea of strength, courage, and resistance.

After four months of knowing him, and two and a half of being involved, I was still mesmerized by Jasper's whole figure.

But it wasn't his perfectly toned and tattooed body, his stupidly perfect hair, or even his ridiculously flawlessly sculpted face that provoked the disconcerting emotion in my chest.

The more I spent time with him, the more I noticed these little subtleties about his personality...

I turned on the bed to fully face him and rested my hand softly over his arm.

He seemed cold, distant, serious, even indifferent... But I had been observing him from afar, whenever he was unaware of my scrutiny and thought no one was watching him, and also closely every time we were alone, and one thing I had learned was that all his emotions were always written in his eyes...

I was not able to identify all of them, sure but, I could understand some, and those allowed me to know him a bit better and, sometimes, even grasp the reason behind an attitude.

I had realized that he cared, even though he was great at hiding it. He cared for the people who worked for him, he cared a lot for Emmett, and he cared an unexpected great deal for Ryan. He clearly cared for me too, but I was still uncertain of how much.

Why he was so set on not letting his care for others show, I couldn't figure out... But one thing I was certain of... He felt and actually was very lonely, even being constantly surrounded by tons of people.

A sigh left me involuntarily. There was something I was certain of about myself too... Something I could no longer deny.

The feelings I had for him were getting increasingly stronger, harder to ignore.

Jasper inhaled deeply, and then I knew he was waking up. Slowly his eyelids opened, and his amber eyes were on me. He remained silent but, his pupils dilated visibly. And as his irises seemed to glint, I felt the fourth spark and unfortunately could not control what it incited me to do...

"I like you..." I heard myself saying in a low but passionate tone. "...a lot."

He didn't react openly, but his eyes turned suddenly guarded.

Although I could clearly see that was not the right move, I couldn't refrain myself from speaking my mind... Or better admitting... My heart.

"I have these feelings for you that I don't fully understand 'cause I've never felt anything like them before..."

"Edward..." Jasper tried to stop me, his voice cautious.

Fuck, I wanted to stop myself, but it was too late, I was too far gone.

"Please just let me speak, don't spoil it." I asked as I got closer. "I know you don't feel the same and you don't have to. I'm fine with what we have, and I know how much you love your freedom, I'm not trying to take it away from you. I just wanted you to know that..." I exhaled heavily, feeling my chest full of sentiment mixed with fear. "I like you. I really do, I like you a lot."

Sighing heavily, Jasper averted his gaze and closed his eyes.

"I don't wanna hurt you. Not you." He spoke so low that I had the impression he was talking to himself.

Hesitantly, I held his jaw and waited until he looked at me.

"If you do, it will be a consequence of my choice." I affirmed emphatically. "I'm aware it can happen..."

"It will happen." He stated certainly.

The conviction in his serious eyes shook me, and obviously, I faltered.

"Fair enough." I shrugged while trying to seem unaffected. "I'm still not walking away from you."

That triggered something in Jasper, and his countenance suddenly turned somber. He stared at me as if he had seen something worrisome, something that made him sad.

"You should never let yourself be this vulnerable with someone..." He said earnestly.

"You're the only one with whom I'm like this." I blurted out, feeling my heart speeding up. He clenched his jaw and shook his head. "Jasper, I..."

He squeezed his eyes shut.

"Edward don't." He cut me off with a severe tone.

It disconcerted me...

Suddenly I didn't know what to do or how to act...

"What time is it?" He asked without looking at me, his voice harsh.

I looked at the digital clock over his dresser and turned my eyes back to him feeling a bit weird.

"Eight..." I mumbled.

Jasper finally brought his eyes to mine again, his gaze distant.

"Don't you have class?"

Why am I feeling sad all of a sudden? Why do I feel like I did something wrong?

Because I did...

"I do have classes," I confirmed warily. "but I wanna stay."

His eyes seemed to harden.

"You should go."

The stern tone he used caused my stomach to oddly churn.

"Do you want me to?" It was obvious I was afraid of his answer.

"Yes." He replied straightly.

Why does it hurt?

Out of the blue I felt a bit disoriented, light-headed. I had to swallow the lump that unexpectedly surged in my throat and take a deep breath before I was able to speak again.

"Okay." I forced the little word out.

Jasper got up and went to the en-suite without looking back, and I was left there on his bed, feeling worthless.

That was the first time he hurt me... It was also the lightest.

I pulled myself together quickly and got up too, making fast work of putting on my jeans and t-shirt.

My heart felt small, my chest seemed a little sore inside... But I kept breathing slowly and deeply, trying to prevent the feeling from blowing out of proportion.

It was nothing, after all. He probably just didn't want me to miss any more classes... Although that had never concerned him before.

Just chill... It's nothing.

I shook my head and heaved a breath, then I crouched down to tie my shoelaces.

Jasper came back into the room at that precise moment.

I was immediately nervous but I was able to straighten up, look him in the eyes, and smile.

"I'll be going now." I said in a soft voice.

Stupid sentence...

Jasper just nodded, his countenance expressionless, his eyes unreadable.

"We'll see each other tonight?" The question came out heavily uncertain.

"At the club." He answered promptly and coldly.

I felt my face falling. He was blowing me off.

Suddenly I was taken over by an alien apprehension.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked hesitantly and nibbled my lower lip involuntarily.

His eyes went down for a second and then he brought them back to mine.

"No. I'm not mad." He said in a lifeless voice. "I'm not anything."

An icy sensation flooded my stomach.

"Jasper..."

"You're gonna be late, Edward." He stated firmly, cutting me off once again. "You should go."

My breath hitched, and I had to clench my jaw to control and disguise it.

I nodded... That was all I could do. Then I grabbed my bag next to the dresser on the floor and hurried to the door. I didn't stop walking or counting my inhalations until I was inside my car.

As I shut the door, a gush of air left me almost violently.

Just as that one time I saw him fucking another guy in the storeroom, once again I felt like crying... A little bit stronger this time around, though.

My throat was suddenly sore and it felt constricted, my eyes were burning...

You're not gonna cry.

You won't drop a single tear...

I started the car and drove away repeating those sentences in my head all the way to my apartment.

#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter8#

"I know you don't wanna talk about whatever happened three days ago, but I can't go on pretending I don't see that you're not okay."

"I am okay!" I said with a smile, trying to reassure Ryan.

Ryan sighed, shook his head, and leaned on the backrest of my couch.

"Not even you believe in those words, Edward." He affirmed resignedly. "I know something happened and it upset you, I can read the sadness in your eyes."

I turned to him and became serious.

"Okay, something did happen." His eyes became clearly more attentive. "But not three days ago..." I got serious and looked fiercely at him. "A month ago. Let's talk about it, let's talk about what happened between us." I challenged him.

As I had expected, Ryan averted his gaze.

"There's nothing for us to talk about." He spoke in a low tone.

"Ryan, I kissed you." I stated softly. "You kissed me back and then... You just rushed out of the locker room."

He looked at me with guarded eyes.

"I didn't rush out. I had to go home, it was late and I was getting a ride with Noah and he was waiting for me..."

"We never talked about that." I insisted.

"Because there's nothing to talk about." He replied with a humorless smile. "It was just a kiss, just a moment thing..."

I shook my head and huffed.

"You know it was more than that."

Ryan seemed anguished all of a sudden. He licked his lips, his eyebrows twitched, he shook his head slightly and then looked away.

"I feel something for you." I blurted out.

He brought his eyes to mine in a heartbeat.

"You don't." He said a little too calmly. "You're still confused and now you're hurt, that's all."

I indeed felt slightly hurt... By his conclusion.

"Why don't you take me seriously?" My voice came out dejected.

Ryan sighed and his face told me he was sorry.

"I do." He assured me in a kind tone. "And that's why I'm not letting you get carried away.

I frowned and jerked my head back.

"I'm not getting carried away." I countered in a low tone. "You can't deny there's something going on between us..."

"I didn't say there isn't... I said that you're confusing it..."

"So you're saying that the tension I feel whenever we're alone is just in my head." I defied while squinting.

"It's not just in your head, I feel it too, but..."

"So why don't you admit it?" I interrupted him in a slightly impatient chuckle.

Ryan closed his eyes for a brief second and then opened them looking straight into mine.

"You don't have feelings for me, Edward." He affirmed in earnest. "Not the kind you think you do."

"You can't know what I feel." I talked back, a little angry.

"But I do, not only because I can read you, but simply because the truth is plainly apparent."

"And what's the truth, Ryan?"

"You don't want me to say it." And his eyes were guarded again. "You don't wanna hear it, you can't even admit it to yourself."

"Ry, just tell me!" I urged. "Or I'll assume this is just a poor excuse for you to turn me down."

He huffed, but I could see the apprehension in his eyes.

"You're in love with Aiden." He stated simply.

Having the hard truth I had not fully accepted thrown at my face made me flinch.

"I-I'm not..." I stammered. "I'm not in love with him."

"You are." It was Ryan's turn to insist, but his voice was soft and his countenance gentle. "It's so obvious... And that's why I can say confidently that you don't have feelings for me, you're confusing things and I get it, it is confusing."

"Ry..."

"No, listen up." He urged me while taking both my hands in his. "You feel comfortable and safe with me. I know 'cause I feel the same way, I trust you and I like you a lot, but... As a friend."

I frowned then, really puzzled.

"I didn't imagine the staring, the skinship, the want written in your eyes, the tension... I didn't fabricate the fact that you kissed me back." I argued softly.

"I do feel attracted to you, it's impossible not to." He clarified with a shy smile. "I'm not blind or frigid... You're gorgeous." He chuckled, obviously embarrassed. "And besides being this charming redhead, you're kind and cute and intelligent..." He chuckled again. "I doubt there's a gay guy that would look at you and not feel a thing." I shook my head, disagreeing with his words. "And I know you feel attracted to me too, I can read it in your gestures and in your eyes when we're together, but Edward, this is chemistry, it's desire plain and simple, it's skin, it's not heart, this is not emotional..."

"Things between us are not just physical..." I countered, a little saddened by his reasoning.

Ryan held my face in his hands.

"No, it's not just physical because we care for each other. But that's just it." He affirmed confidently. "We have a bond and that's what you feel. You don't have feelings for me, you're in love with Aiden, in fact, you've been in love with him for a while now."

"I'm not in love with him." My tone was firm, but deep down inside I knew I was just trying to convince myself.

Ryan sighed and rested his hands on my shoulders.

"I know it's scary, Edward. I've been there..." He said as if he was telling a secret. I squinted. "It is a scary thing to be in love with someone unreachable. But pretending it isn't true is not gonna make it disappear or lessen the pain."

The way he said all that, with such authority and, at the same time, despondently, made a weird suspicion arise in my mind.

"You speak as if you know from experience." I commented pensively.

Averting his eyes for just a second and exhaling heavily, Ry nodded slowly. When he looked at me again I could see the sadness in his almond eyes, something that had not been there a moment before.

"You're in love with someone..." I thought out loud.

"I've been in love with the same person for four years." He confessed hesitantly.

It baffled me.

Ryan's smile was gloomy, just like his gaze.

I completely forgot about our discussion and my doubts...

"Who is it?" I asked softly.

He carded his fingers through his sleek black hair and sighed.

"The last person you would think of..."

Jasper's face popped up in my mind but just as fast it was gone. Ry had already told me he saw him just as a friend and I believed him.

Since I couldn't think of anybody else, I just shook my head.

Ry took a wavering deep breath.

"It's Emmett." He said in a sigh.

My jaw dropped and my eyes widened. I was way more than astonished.

"You really never suspected?" He asked frowning.

I puffed and shook my head, frowning too.

"The night we were celebrating Petra's birthday..." He spoke in an interrogative tone. I shook my head and furrowed my eyebrows even more. "When he arrived with Aiden."

Something clicked in my mind and I remembered the moment... Back then I had my focus solely on Jasper so, I had barely noticed Emmett by his side, and I honestly hadn't paid any attention to anything related to him. But coming to think of it...

Oh... Emmett sat right in front of us when Jasper sat by my side. And that was the moment Ry pulled back his arm from around me...

"Oh..." It was the only thing that came out of my mouth as the penny dropped.

Ryan chuckled.

"I have mastered concealing it." He said nodding. "But my reaction that night was kinda automatic. I thought you had noticed."

"I did notice that you pulled away, but I would've never thought that..."

"I didn't want Emmett to think we had something." He explained before I could complete my sentence. Then he shrugged. "It's silly, I know. He doesn't care. But as I said, it was an automatic reaction."

I nodded, understanding. And then something came up in my mind, making a lot more sense.

"You're not looking for answers..." I stated his past words to me. "You know what you want."

Ry nodded.

"You were not talking about me."

"No." He confirmed.

I chuckled, feeling stupid for having been so arrogant. Ry laughed a little.

"Now you see it?" He asked me.

I nodded once again.

"Why haven't you tried to get closer to him? "

"It's no use." He shrugged while shaking his head no.

"You can't know that if you don't try."

"He's straight." Ry clarified in a downhearted voice. "And he's been in a serious relationship since before I met him."

"I'm sorry, Ry."

"It's okay... At some point I'll overcome this." He smiled sadly again. "I hope so."

I heaved a sigh. Ry turned serious again.

"The longer you take to admit that you are in love with Aiden," He said carefully. "the longer you'll take to overcome it."

He's right.

"I'm not in love with him." I repeated in a huffed tone.

Ryan pursed his lips for a second and exhaled.

"I won't insist." He kinda promised. "Just know I'm here for you, anytime you need me, and to do anything you need me to."

"Okay." I smiled, thankful.

He ruffled my hair and we turned back to the movie we were supposed to be watching.

#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter8#

The following night I was feeling just a little overwhelmed.

Jasper and I had not been together for four days and he wasn't answering my calls or texts... He replied whenever I spoke to him at the club, but it was all work stuff and he was acting too fucking distant, treating me like he treated everybody else. It was bothering me to no end.

"Why don't you take a break now?" I heard Ryan saying in my ear and I looked at him. "One hour from now and there will be people all over this bar." He explained over the music.

"What about you?" I asked.

"You take fifteen and I'll do the same when you're back."

I accepted his offer. I needed some air.

As it had become a habit, I went to the rooftop. Although I had been going there with Jasper and at that moment what I wanted was to rid my stupid mind of thoughts of him, I had realized that was the place where I felt more comfortable to brood over my feelings.

Unfortunately, I found out minutes later that the place would be marked forever by the first key moment of my relationship with Jasper...

I had just stepped on the concrete floor when I saw him... Fucking a random blond guy against one of the walls.

The impression I had was that I could hear my heart cracking... The sharp pain I felt inside my chest, the way my eyes stung, my throat constricted, and the air lacked in my lungs, forced me to not only accept and admit the truth but also to, at last, acknowledge it.

Probably feeling my stare, Jasper turned his head to where I was... I saw the surprise and something else in his eyes and then all over his face.

Even though I knew I should move and get outta there, I was stuck to the spot, and my eyes were locked with his.

Jasper stopped his motions altogether. By my peripheral vision I noticed the other guy moving but I didn't pay attention to him. I couldn't have if I'd wanted. I saw Jasper's lips moving, saying something to me or to the guy, I wasn't sure who he was talking to. And then he was right in front of me, and I knew we were alone.

"I warned you I would hurt you." He said in a grave voice, his countenance unreadable once again.

I didn't react at first. And only when I felt his thumbs running across my cheeks I realized that tears were silently flowing from my eyes.

Outrage took me suddenly and I lost control over my impulses. I shoved Jasper away from me as I gasped. He was clearly dumbfounded.

I glared at him for a couple of seconds before I turned on my heels... But I didn't go too far. Jasper grabbed my wrist before I could reach the fire escape stairs grid.

I spun around, yanking my wrist from his grip.

"I got it!" I said harshly but in a low tone. "You're right, you warned me."

"I didn't want to..." He said in the same tone and opened his mouth to say something else.

But I was fed up. I turned and made to the stairs but he held my arm this time.

"Let me go." My voice came out menacing.

"No." He said as he grabbed my upper arms hastily and yanked me to him.

"What else do you want from me, Jasper?" I snapped at him. "Why am I still here? Wasn't it what you wanted? For me to leave you alone?"

"That has never been what I want."

"So what is it, huh?" I asked sharply, tilting my chin up.

Just as I had expected, he didn't say a thing. He just kept looking at me intensely, as if he was trying to tell me something without having to speak.

The thing was... I wasn't up to try and decipher whatever it was. I was so saturated with the myriad of emotions I had been bottling up and that had been provoked by the situation that I wasn't thinking anymore...

"You know what? I know just the perfect words to end this... I've actually just found them out."

Jasper frowned, obviously confused.

"I'm in love with you." I blurted out and watched the expected effect take place.

Slower than I first predicted, his hands loosened the hold around my arms.

My heart clenched and fresh tears trickled down my face without my consent. Once I was free from his grip, I brushed the back of my hands over my eyes and looked at him fiercely.

"Don't worry. I understand perfectly that we're done. I won't be bothering you anymore." I said everything with a calm that didn't match with what I was feeling.

Finally, swallowing every single thing I was feeling and holding back the intense anguish it caused, I left the rooftop and went back to work.